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dazed and kinda lonely

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“I’m okay, Frank, don’t need to help me,” I told my driver as I stepped out of the car. My legs are swaying, and criss-crossing my way to get inside my penthouse.

I may be walking like a zombie right now, but I’m a Luthor. Luthors can hold their alcohol.

I’m drunk. But only a little.

Yes! I got in just fine. See? I’m not that drunk.

But, I’m hungry though.

I went straight to my kitchen. Well kinda not straight because I’m still swaying a little, also, kinda not straight because I sure am not, haha, gosh I’m laughing at my own joke.

I grabbed a piece of cold pizza in the fridge. Then I started walking to my room. I need to get out of these clothes. 

My surroundings are still spinning slightly. Pizza still in one hand, I rammed my closet for a pair of pajamas with the other.

I took a bite off my pizza then regretted it as I suddenly felt nauseous.

I ran to the bathroom. I crouched beside the toilet bowl to spit the pizza, and then my stomach’s contents followed through.

I was trying my best to collect strands of my hair to tuck them behind my ear, using one hand as I was still not letting go of the pizza.

After throwing up everything, I think my intestines were now inside out, I stood up, reached for the sink to steady myself, and also to gargle some water to clean my mouth of my vomit’s remnants. I also decided to wash my face and I never knew it was so hard to wash your face using only one hand. 

I looked at my reflection in the mirror.

Wow. I looked miserable.

I started laughing. It’s so funny how messy I am right now.

I turned and sat on the edge of my bathtub.

I finally ate my pizza.

I smiled realizing what just happened to me just so I could eat this stupid pizza.

Then, I started crying.

Tears for extra toppings.

-

I woke up with a headache. Nothing new. It has always been like this for three months now.

It’s three in the afternoon according to my clock. Again, nothing new. Considering, as far as I remember, it was already five in the morning when I got home.

After fixing myself, I made my way to my kitchen to fill my hungry stomach.

No cereal. No bread. I saw that I still have three slices of pizza. But the smell is making me nauseous.

I can’t remember when was the last time I filled my fridge and cupboard with groceries.

I still have a pack of Twinkies, though. I grabbed three pieces, and opened one to eat right away. Four months ago, you wouldn’t see me eating this trash.

After I finished the snack. I set an alarm on my phone for fifteen minutes.

Sliding my back on the wall, I sat on the kitchen floor.

Then I started sobbing.

I was crying inconsolably. 

No one would believe it. No one could even think about it.

That Lena Luthor is a weak, pathetic, emotional shit. I couldn’t blame them, though. Because I am good at hiding how miserable I am right now.

That should be something I can be proud of.

When my alarm went off, I stood up and turned it off.

I wiped my face with a kitchen towel, then grabbed the other two Twinkies and went to the lab I set up here in my penthouse. During the first month, I was using the lab at the Tower with my friends. But after one month of multiple failed experiments, I decided to be on my own. And I still am three months after.

I have been creating devices after devices. Only because one fails after the other.

I never stop, regardless.

And I never will. At least, until we bring her back.

But I can’t help myself to get frustrated each time another device I created fails.

Because it also means another day she gets to spend in the Phantom Zone.

Another day I get to live without her.

-

“I’m noticing you are here everyday,” Veronica said, sitting beside me.

“And I just noticed you were a stalker,” I replied.

She just laughed and finished her scotch. “I’m just wondering why you are here, in this place, but you never go past making out. If you can call that making out when you kiss like an awkward fifth grader.”

“Shut up,” I calmly told her while playing with the glass of whiskey in my hand.

Veronica just smirked, then asked “Are sex clubs Lena Luthor’s new playground?”

I just rolled my eyes at her, tired of her antics.

She reached for her purse to get something. Then she showed me two pills, one yellow, the other pink, then looked at me asking if I wanted them.

I just nodded, then she dropped them on my drink. I twirl my glass a few times before drinking its content.

After a few minutes, I decided to pay attention to the people around me.

There are a few who were lost in their own world in every corner of the club. Acting on their lust. And some were watching them.

Some were on the dance floor, dancing to every beat of the loud music the DJ was playing.

Some were just in the bar.

I was thinking, how many people in this club who were just here to distract themselves? To escape from reality? To forget their pain just for a few hours? 

I’d like to think there were a few here who were just like me.

Just as I was about to look down again at the glass in my hand, I noticed a blonde girl approaching the bar. Her hair tied in a pony. She’s wearing boots, a short black leather skirt, and a white spaghetti strap fitted blouse. And she’s wearing glasses. Cool. 

I was still looking at her as she wait for her drink. She turned around and then our eyes met. She waved at me and I waved back.

When she got her drink, I thought she was going back to where she came from, instead I saw her walking towards me. 

“Hi, care if I sit with you?” the stranger asked, smiling at me.

Not as sunny, I thought.

“Sure.” I moved in the middle of the couch to give her space to sit.

“I’m Alliyah, and you are?” She introduced herself the moment she sat down beside me.

“I’m Lena, this is my friend, Veronica.”

“Hi, Alliyah. Do you want some scotch to go with what you have?” Veronica asked her.

“No, I’m good. Actually, I want to dance. Would you like to join me?”

“I’m good. But, I’m sure Lena here would like to.”

I glared at Veronica to let her know I was not impressed with what she just did.

“Would you like to dance with me, Lena?” I turned my head to look at her, smiling. Her eyes are blue.

“Sure.”

The moment we stood up, she was quick to hold my hand. 

Not as warm, I thought.

I let her as she guided me to the dance floor.

“Is this okay?” She asked as she put both her hands on my waist.

I just nodded and I put my arms on her shoulders.

And then we were dancing. Rocking and grinding our bodies against each other. 

She pressed her body more against mine as she wrapped her arms around my waist. She leaned in and then whispered in my ear, “is this okay?” as she placed a kiss on the side of my neck.

“Yes.” I replied.

She nipped my earlobe and traced my jaw with her lips and tongue. I started tracing her body with my hands. Rubbing on her back, her nape, her waist.

Her lips found mine. And then we were kissing. Messy. Reckless. Her tongue was inside my mouth in a second. And I was returning what she was giving me.

When we stop to catch some breath. I saw fierceness in her blue eyes. Then I was thinking of Kara in less than a second.

I slowly removed myself from her.

“I think I’m just gonna sit for a while,” I told her as I walked back to the VIP couch.

Veronica was still there when I got back with a new drink in her hand.

“Now that was a real kiss. Are you leaving now with her?” She asked, smirking, as I sat down.

“No.” I replied, and she looked disappointed.

“Something’s wrong with you, and I don’t even wanna know.” 

“Shut up.”

We remained silent throughout the night as I was taking down drink after drink. I heard Veronica telling me to slow down but I just ignored her.

This is fun. I don’t want it to end.

I’m tired.

And I fucking miss Kara.

I’m one of the smartest woman alive, for fuck’s sake, and I can’t fucking bring her back.

I want her… I want her back.

This is fun.

I am fucking tired.

I just want to forget even just for a bit.

This is fucking fun.

I am finally forgetting.

I don’t want this to end.

Fuck. I am so tired.

-

I woke up with a headache. I feel like someone punched me in the head.

I was slowly opening my eyes because it hurt so much to open them.

I was coming back to my senses when I smelled something.

I know that smell.

And it's making me dizzy. This was not the the smell of alcohol and medicine that I was used to.

Why am I here? Fuck, I don’t remember anything.

“Lena?” I recognized that voice.

I harshly opened my eyes to look at the owner of the voice. I was squinting to let my eyes adjust from the brightness of the room.

In a moment, I was surrounded with a few people. I'm guessing a doctor and a couple of nurses. After a few minutes and a few conversations I hardly understood, they were gone again.

“Kelly.” It hurts. My throat hurts. Fuck. How long have I been out?

Kelly was quick to help me have some water. “Slowly,” she reminded me.

After having a few sips, I took a deep breath.

“What happened?” I tried my best to ask. 

“Alcohol poisoning,” Kelly replied. I shut my eyes trying my best to remember. “Frank brought you here when you passed out before you even got inside the car. He tried his best to wake you up but you were not responding. So, he decided to bring you here. He called Alex using your phone. Thankfully she was on your speed dial.”

“How long have I been out?”

“Three days.”

I let out a deep sigh trying to calm my nerves. I can’t believe I did this.

“Where’s Alex?”

“I forced her to go home yesterday so she can have a proper rest. She will be back later,” Kelly said. She continued when I didn’t reply. “She hasn't left your side, Lena. She was afraid of what might happen.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Do not apologize.”

“I feel like I have to.”

We were silent for a minute before Kelly talked again.

“Frank said you’ve been drinking almost everyday for months now.”

Kelly confirmed it was true when I didn’t respond.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I took another deep breath.

“I miss her so much,” I replied. I finally told someone.

“Oh, Lena,” was the only thing Kelly could say then she reached out  to rub my arms and shoulders.

Then without a warning, my tears escaped and before I knew it, I was already sobbing.

“I couldn’t bring her back. I tried everything I could. And I am so tired of missing her everyday. I want her back. But, she’s not here. And sometimes, I just want to forget.”

I don’t understand why I kept my distance from my friends when we should have been facing this together.

I don’t understand why I keep everything to myself when I should have been talking to them, and they could have had me, too.

I was not the only person who lost someone.

They lost someone too.

I cried even harder with this realization. Kelly stood up from her chair and sat on my bed instead. In a second, Kelly was hugging me.

“I got you, Lena. We got you. We are going to do this together from now on,” Kelly consoled me. She removed herself from the hug and she cupped my face. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

-

When I finally stopped crying, Kelly told me to rest some more so I’ll have the energy to face the rest of the Superfriends as she already told them that I’m awake now.

She left me for a moment to grab something to eat.

I was trying to go back to sleep when the door of my room opened again.

I thought it was Kelly.

“Alex?”

“Lena!” Alex was on my side in a second. She was sitting on my bed, arms around my waist and head resting on my shoulder, then she started crying. “I was so afraid, Lena. I thought we were going to lose you too.”

“I’m so sorry, Alex.” I told her while rubbing her back, giving her comfort too. I just feel so bad for making them worry like this. 

“You’re still here, Lena,” Alex replied. “We got you.”

We stayed embracing each other for a couple more minutes. Relieved, knowing we still got each other.

Alex then extracted herself from the embrace and held both my hands looking at me. I knew for a while now that I needed something, it was just so hard to accept it.

“Alex.”

“Mhm?”

“I think I need help.”