"Hi guys this me Miranda, Nd welcome tu the internet..."
It had gotten to Thursday and Miranda needed to upload the video she had recorded just hours earlier. She was happy with this one, didn't need much editing, because Miranda being Miranda, was already perfect enough.
While waiting for the video to upload, she decided to go get some chocolate. Wearing her trademark red lipstick and blue and red striped shirt, alongside her 'haters back off' sweat pants she made her way to the kitchen.
As she entered the living room she sees the MTV music channel blaring on the television, but with no one watching. MTV, Miranda believes is notorious for rudy doody things, however this time she didn’t see any harm in watching out of curiosity… she just wanted to prove a point to herself that she was right about the porn.
“And now for you music fans, here is an exclusive premier of the ‘What Kind Of Man’ music video from Florence + the Machine.” The screen cuts to the opening of the video, Miranda watching with a lack of interest, slouching as she stands.
“WHAT! ... WHAT! ... THAT’S DISGUSTING, THAT’S POOORRN” Miranda, exclaims loudly. “She had her beep beep’s out.” Miranda breaks the fourth wall to her imaginary audience pulling a disgusted face at the thought of what he had just been exposed to.
Instantly Miranda grabs the remote and switches channels….
Unfortunately for her the remote change happened to be another music channel, this time showcasing pornographic materials that Miranda can’t speak of…. Too traumatic.
“THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT TIME THE MIRFANDA’S MADE ME WATCH THE ANAconDA VIDEO!!!” Miranda stares away traumatised, her mind reflecting back to the time she saw Nikki Minaj in a way she never though she would.
Screaming aloud in fright, Miranda switches the TV off, runs to the sofa behind her jumping on it and hiding behind the closest pillow she could find…
After at least five minutes of wailing about the bobs and the porn, she notices that she was successful in removing the imagery from her television set. She sits herself up and straightens her shirt. Takes a deep breath, slowly regaining herself control. She gets up and heads to the kitchen to get her bar of chocolate, as she intended to do in the first place before she was so traumatised by the ‘P’ word.
Miranda felt the need to run past the living room holding her hand to the side of her face, to cover the television… just in case it had actually managed to turn itself back on and Miranda had actually failed to ‘defeat the monstrosity of MTV’.
When she finally gets upstairs, she notices the progress bar has hardly moved, she utters to the computer “I h8et chu.” Which naturally does nothing to speed the bar.
“Why won’t you work? Do you not know I’m important? “ Typical, she thought.
Miranda now feeling a little exhausted becomes sleepy, feeling her eyes droop and zoom in and out of focus. Still she continues to eat her chocolate. She has no time for sleep. She is a machine.
HEY WHERE MY BAE’S AT? WHERE MY BAE’S AT? I GOT SO MANY BAES AND NOW YOU CAN GET ONE TOO
Miranda jolts up at the sound of herself singing back at her from the ringtone of her phone. She goes to pick it up, noticing the call log blatantly showing the face of her main bae ‘Joey Gracefficika’. Without any hesitation after seeing the caller ID she answers.
“JOOOOEEEEEY! Why are you calling me bae?” Miranda is overwhelmed with excitement and joy at the thought of hearing bae Joey’s voice back at her.
“This is not Joey. Am I speaking with Miranda … Miranda Sings” a deep gruff voice replied. Almost too deep to be human.
Miranda takes a second to realise. “OH JOEY GRASSEFFICLIA! Stop playing pranks on me! You scawred me!!... You dinsdnt get me this time Joey. Now go get me some flowers to make up for scawring me.” With that Miranda hangs up the phone as an ‘act of protest’ at Joey’s prank call.
HEY WHERE MY BAE’S AT? WHERE MY BAE’S AT? I GOT SO MANY BAES AND NOW YOU CAN GET ONE TOO
Miranda’s phone once again lights up with the same call log as before, again does not hesitate to pick up, again she is the first to speak.
“Joey you dinsdnt get me this time-“
“Shut up and listen to me” Miranda is sharply interrupted by the same gruff voice as before.
“JOEY! Don’t speaks to me like that”
“Joey???? Joey is that you?” Miranda lowers her volume and notices her voice has started trembling towards the end of the question, unsure of the response she is in for.
She waits with intense anticipation. Waiting for the voice to reply hoping it is her beloved bae Joey. The moment seems like forever, leaving Miranda feeling anxious and nervous at the reply, and the fact that it might not be Joey on the other line…
“BLUUUUEH E J JENFJEWNJ EW JEBFHE HUH HUH”
“EWW THAT’S DISGUSTING JOEY!”
Miranda takes the phone away from her ear and takes a tissue from the box on her bed. Wiping both the side of her face and the receiver, fearing the mucus and saliva release was so strong that it came through to her side of the phone.
“Sorry… I err, I gotta cough” the gruff voice didn’t sound as gruff as it had done previous, almost sounding like the booming voice had been replaced with that of their normal one.
“That’s okay Joey, I want you to get bwetter soon, okay?”
“I AM NOT JOEY GRACEFFICKKA!!!” the voice boomed back to Miranda. It appeared the mystery voice couldn’t pronounce the beloved bae’s name either. The voice continued to speak, despite Miranda having the burning inner desire to tell the guy to take a chill pill.
“Who awr you?” Miranda asks in hopes of widening communication. Catching the voice of guard from his obvious transcript.
“Ohh… err …YOU CAN CALL ME THE….err… THE UPLOADER…”
Miranda breathes in deep for a prolonged dramatic effect. “That’s lame.” Miranda at this point doesn't seem to be fazed by the voice’s big name reveal.
“SHUT UP.” The Uploader’s voice boomed like a supersonic bang rippling through the universe and into Miranda’s ear. He goes on to explain. “The one you call Graceffiickia… He has been taken… by ME… (Cue evil laughter)”
Miranda falls off the bed in shock of what she has been told, and immediately calls out for bae. “JOEY, JOEY Are YOU THERE? Answer Meeeeee!”
“HAHAhaHAHAHAHahahaHAHAA, Miranda you FOOL. He is not here, he is a million miles away from here. This is where you come in. I’m setting you the challenge of finding your ‘bae’. I will give you an idea of where Joey is… But you will have to work it out fast, and get there even faster. For I believe the young Graceffickka will not last long in the ‘Temple of VEVO.’”
Miranda still in shock of what is happening tries to ask as many questions in the short space of time she knows she has, because everyone knows a conversation can’t last forever. Unfortunately she just ends up turning into an emotional wreck.
“So he’s in a temple? Where is the temple? I DOWNT KNO NOO TEMPLES!!!?” Miranda exclaimed, sounding as if she had been physically wounded by a sharp object. Miranda was indeed at this point crying excessively, almost to the point of a three year old tantrum.
“SILENCE, YOU DELUSIONAL WEEPING WASOCK!!! I’VE HEARD ENOUGH OF YOUR RAMBLES!” immediately Miranda stops warbling and crying and again listened closely to the voice on the opposite phone line.
“You will find the Temple of Vevo, beyond the realm of the You Tube, just off the coast of Daily Motion and Vine. And then around the corner from illegal streaming. Good luck Miranda. I will contact you again when I think you are ready, remember don’t trust anyone or anything… especially in the Temple.”
The Uploader descends into mechanical laughter once more, until Miranda interrupts him.
“WAIT! Tell me is my bae Joey safe?”
“hahahahahhahahahahahaha for now, although I can’t guarantee that for much longer. Hahahahahahahahahahahahha Farewell Miss Sings, try not to die too soon… we have another 8 chapters to get through HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHh.”
And with that the phone cuts dead, just leaving a single beep in Miranda’s ear.
Miranda was fearing what would, could or even has happened to Joey bae. Being the strong independent woman she is, she proclaims proudly, standing now on her bed, losing balance a little by trying to maintain a strong pose and position. With a fearful look in her eye, and her arm raised to the gods, her voice deeper than usual stated;
“I NEED TO FIND JOEY.”
To which she jumps off the bed, nearly knocking over her laptop, which has still not moved an inch in uploading, grabs her rucksack and starts packing essentials…. Mirfanda letters and posters, pictures of Joey, food and water and then finally most importantly herself. Miranda has a little chararicature of herself. When in times of trouble she calls on ‘Little Miranda’ for support and advice. After all who knows Miranda better than herself, it almost appears to be a corny attempt of Miranda’s own ‘What would Miranda do?’
With that she writes down a map from the directions and instructions given. However before she leaves the house on her quest to find and save Joey Grceffeckia, she pulls out her favourite photo of her and Joey. Kissing it and holding up to the light, making Joey look like an angelic figure from the ‘light halo’ surrounding him, Miranda looking directly into Joey’s bright blue eyes and speaks to him as if he was there with her, hearing her words.
“I will find you Joey, and I’ll bring you back into my arms and I will never let you go!! I will find my way, I can go the distance. I’ll be there someday, if I can be strong, I know every mile, will be worth my while… I would go most anywhere to find my bae Joey …H000000MMMEEEE.”
Miranda sings the last lyric of the positive chant that would mark the start of her quest to save Joey. Miranda dramatically ends by looking down to the floor and by moving her out stretched hand from the light, kissing Joey’s photo once more before bringing her arm to her side . The lights switch off and Miranda moves out from the darkness and into the light.
How will she survive? Where will she go? Will we find out who the mysterious ‘Uploader’ is? Will she make it past the realm of the ‘You Tube’, unto the Temple of VEEVVVO… Join us next time and see.