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Kira-Lynn ODs and Dies

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She wrote on one slip of paper, a stroke or two at a time, when Verona, the opossum, and Lucy weren’t looking, which was rare.  It took her almost fifteen minutes to squeeze in one word. 


It would have to do.  She wanted to get started. 


After those first fifteen minutes, Kira-Lynn murmured to Adrian, “Take a break.” 


She pushed him deliberately toward the nurse’s office, passing him the paper.


It was time to get fucking lit.



“Weed spirits,” Kira-Lynn explained. “We are going to inject weed spirits into our Selves, and get high as fuck off them.”


“The fuck? What? Isn’t that dangerous?” Stefan asked.


“Let me do this, and I promise you, you will have the most lit time of your life. We are going to get baked on these spirits. Like, absolutely plowed. And then- you know the patient? Edith James?”


“We’re going to use her as a huge ass bong, and activate the weed spirits. Then we will ascend.”


He looked like such a scared little kid. She’d originally considered killing the patient, and getting the others in on it- but after thinking on it more, she realised that it’d be way cooler if she got like, super duper high instead. The thrill of murder was temporary, but the memories of baby’s first drug trip was forever.


“Look. Step into the spirit surgery diagram, and let me do the rest. We don’t have long before the old Kennet practitioners or the teachers start asking.”


Stefan stepped into the spirit surgery diagram, and Kira-Lynn retrieved a small pencilcase from her pockets. It was an elementary practice; to distill simple objects down into their base spirits, for application in surgery. Or, in this case, for gathering weed spirits into a base form, ideal for injecting. She approached the floating form of Stefan’s astral body, ripe for the weedening.


She retrieved the grassy green substance with bits of dandelions stuck to it, pressing it into the solar plexus of Stefan’s astral body. 


There was a knocking at the door, and Teddy opened it, peering in.




“Teddy,” she said. “No time to explain. Shove this green stuff straight into my Self.”


She stepped into the diagram, astral body projecting away.


“You’re serious,” he said. “I’m not trained for this. I barely get it.”


“Who fucking cares? Just stick the green stuff inside?”


Teddy got to work.



They’d been able to return to the spirit surgery unbothered. Edith James lay splayed out on the table, spiritual cross-section layered out, as Griffin got to work. He was busy at play, the Kennet practitioners watching. So whenever Kira-Lynn just got a little too close to Edith’s fire for comfort, to let those sweet weed spirits light up, nobody seemed to notice a thing.


She passed by Stefan, who was much less stealthily squatting by one of the candles. She drew a quick chalk line, so Lucy wouldn’t clue in on what they were saying.


“Are you like, totally lit right nooooow?” She whispered. 


“Yeahhhhhhhhh,” he whispered back. “Like, tooooooooooootally.”


Kira-Lynn passed back, beginning to work at caging another echo as she bent over and away from Stefan.


She didn’t understand what’d gone wrong. Had Teddy put the spirits in wrong?


She’d been going near the fire, which should have been activating the spirits. But nothing had happened every time she tried. She wasn’t getting high at all. And even worse, Stefan seemed to be doing it just fine, so she was the one who was standing out here. All her complaints about how the others weren’t taking practice seriously, and she couldn’t even get getting high right.


She passed by Stefan again as she continued to trap echoes, and he gave her an odd look.


Fuck. He must be getting suspicious.


“I love weeeeeeeeeed,” Kira-Lynn whispered. “Man, getting high is sooooooo aweessoooommmeeee. Yeahhhhhh. Weeeeeeed.”


“Weeeeeeeeeed,” Stefan agreed. 


Kira-Lynn passed by, satisfied that her cunning deception had taken down Stefan. It wasn’t like he was a hard target to deal with.


“We're taking a break!” Griffin declared from the middle. “Spirit surgery postponed!" There were various surprised grumbles around the room, and he flushed. "I really need to take a dump right now.”


“Why didn’t you go before!?” Lucy called back. The old Kennet practitioners were still lingering in the room, at a safe distance from the others. But they weren’t leaving; if conversation got any closer, she’d have to somehow convince Stefan and Teddy she was totally baked, whilst also convincing the others that she was not, in fact, baked at all. Fuck.


“My butthole’s sensitive!” Griffin shouted back. Gross. “I can’t predict its capricious whims, especially when all this action is affecting my emotions!”




“...Plus I had Taco Bell, like, five hours ago!”


“Oh,” Lucy said. “That’s… more reasonable. You should’ve just led with that, then.”


They were pausing the surgery off to the side, making changes to the diagram to keep things still, but Kira-Lynn was more preoccupied with something worse. Stefan was now being approached by Verona. If Verona was going to pull out any sudden move that might flip the tables… exposing them for trying to get high mid-surgery was on the table. Kira-Lynn had to intercept, considering Stefan’s general competence.


Kira-Lynn reached Stefan before Verona did, making sure to walk in a way that looked mostly upright, but also a bit slouched, to kind of send those ‘definitely baked’ vibes to Stefan and Teddy, and send those ‘normal’ vibes to everyone else.


She was pretty proud of that one.


“Heyyyy,” Verona said. “I think I recognise the alterations. Those are what they use in books to keep the diagrams from activating, right? But slightly altered? What’s that for? Is that to keep the diagram stable and still, instead of inactive?”


It was… fuck. People on weed had lowered inhibitions, right? So she should probably explain what was going on, to not make Stefan suspicious. Teddy had approached the group at the edge of the stage, too, just to make things worse.


She really should’ve watched more Woobtube videos on how weed worked before she did this.


“Uhhh…” Kira-Lynn said. “Yeahhhhhhh. The diagram, is, uh… a like…”


Verona’s face was beginning to grow slowly more puzzled. Fuck. She was catching onto Kira-Lynn’s fake highness. She had to make herself appear less high, like she actually was.


“To do exactly that, yeah. Why do you care? It’s-”


Now Stefan seemed puzzled, and Teddy was taken aback by her sudden change. Shit and fuck. This was going wrong.


“Like… definitely not weed,” Kira-Lynn said. “The diagram is not weed. As we are not on weed.”


“Yeahhhhhhh,” Stefan said, Teddy sagely nodding. Verona just said nothing, boring into their souls with her eyes.


Her Sight flicked on.


“Are you…” Verona said, squinting. “Wait, are you hosting dandelion spirits? Cool! I didn’t know you had a hosting teacher in your group. That’s-”


“Wait,” Stefan said, snapping out of his stupor. “Dandelion spirits? What the fuck, Kira-Lynn? I thought you said you had weed spirits!”


“Dandelions are weeds, right?” Kira-Lynn replied, a shock coursing through her body as Griffin returned. He turned to look at them, and she wasn’t sure if he’d heard Stefan’s remark. “So, like… they should have weed spirits, right? Then we just smoke the weed!”


“Random garden weeds aren’t marijuana, Kira-Lynn!” Stefan also shouted back. “What the fuck! Were you actually high, then!?”


“No! I was just faking because I thought you were!”


“Well I wasn’t either!”


Teddy raised his hand, but Kira-Lynn ignored him. “What the fuck, Stefan? Who let you fake stuff to me! You aren’t that smart of a person!”


“Hey, the fuck? I-”


Griffin approached.


“Are you guys injecting weed spirits into your Self?” He asked. Kira-Lynn felt momentary terror, and then- “There’s no real problem, if you are. We used to do that all the time, back before I was… yknow. That’s pretty cool of you, Kira-Lynn. If you ever, yknow… want to light up with me some time, just let me know.”


He gave her a smile and a wink that made her want to retrieve a scalpel and surgically remove each and everyone one of his teeth. Fuck the world, and fuck the Carmine Exile for getting her into this in the first place.


Drastic times called for drastic measures. No way was she letting Griffin worm his way into her life like this.


She grabbed her throat.

“Oh no,” Kira-Lynn said, deadpan, clutching her throat. Griffin didn’t know about the dandelion spirits yet. She could save this if she was cunning enough. “I think this weed is… oh no. I injected too much weed into my Self.”


She fell flat to the floor, beginning to roll about on it.


“Ahhh. Euurrrrghh. I’m not, as like, stroooooooong, as you, Stefan!”


Everyone else was silent now, as Kira-Lynn continued to roll all over the floor. She began to flail her arms, slapping her face for good measure. To show that she was high, and not in control of herself. Tactical face slapping.


“Eurrrrgghhhhh,” Kira-Lynn said. “I’m overdosing. Fuuuck. I’m dying. Oh nooo. I can’t do weed anymoreeeee.”


“I don’t think you can overdose on marijuana,” Verona supplied.


“Not with any reasonable amount,” Griffin said. “But she’s… just flailing about on the floor.”


It wasn’t working. She needed to up her manipulative game.


“Noooo,” Kira-Lynn said, beginning to pretend to choke. “I’m… ughhhh. I’m overdosingggggg…. My heart is stoppingggg…”


Griffin was staring down at her, any gross sweetness from before gone. Now he just looked lost.


“Helllllllllppppppppp… There’s too much weeeeeeeeed in my systemmmmmm… Oh my god I’m getting weed overdoooooooosed…”


Everyone was gathered around her in a circle, now. She paused, mid-fake overdose, and looked up at the bewildered faces of all in the area. Even the patient Edith James was looking at her, now, a look of pure bewilderment etched onto her waxy spirit features.


Maybe being Wizard-queen wasn’t worth it, if this was what magic was going to be like. She stopped flailing, her face aching, and fell flat on the floor. Her limp black hair was in a mess around her, and her earbuds had fallen out amongst the chaos.


“I forfeit,” Kira-Lynn muttered. “Fuck this.”


The Alabaster Doe approached, taking her into her graces. And as she was taken away, the last thought that would ever come to wizard queen Kira-Lynn wafted by.


And I totally would’ve gotten away with it too, if Stefan hadn’t fucking blown my cover.