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My nightmares are over

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He was falling. Always falling. The feeling of your breath being taken away. The fear of knowing you’ll hit the ground but the moment never comes, leaving you in a constant state of anxiety. 

He called out for someone to help, but almost always it was Diluc’s named that he called out. 

The repetition of falling, reaching out for someone, but always being out of reach. He felt his guilt entrap him. Everything was his fault. Maybe he deserved this pain. 

After a while he begins to hear the screams. His father. Although sometimes he couldn’t tell if it was his birth father or Crepus. Then shortly after, Diluc. He was almost always certain he was the cause of Diluc’s screams. And sometimes when his mind really wanted to torture him, Klee. Her shrill screams always brings tears to his eyes. She doesn’t deserve to feel any pain, she’s so small. She’s just a child. Sometimes it would be Albedo, his pretty soft spoken voice turns into screams full of despair. He wants everyone’s pain to stop. 

Just let me fall and hit the ground.

But it never came. He just had to deal with it, until suddenly he’d jolt awake. Sweat damping his shirt and tears running down his face. 

He supposed he should be used to this by now, seeing as how he has these nightmares very often. 

Thunder shook the ground and Kaeya found himself covering his ears, like when he used to when he was a child. 

The thunder has always scared him, ironic, since when it’s thundering it’s almost always raining and cryo is much more effective in the rain. 

He remembered climbing into Crepus’ bed when it was storming or when he had a nightmare. 

Crepus would always end up waking up when he felt Kaeya come into the bed. Kaeya would apologize for waking him up, and with tears in his eyes explain that he was scared. 

Crepus would simply wipe his tears and say “It’s okay my boy, you’re safe with me. Nothing can hurt you here.” 

Kaeya wished that were true.  

He couldn’t fall back asleep, not with the booming sounds of the thunder outside. No matter how he twisted and turned in his bed he couldn’t get comfortable. 

So he opened a cabinet and brought out some wine he kept. 

It was the only thing that ever helped. 

But that wasn’t always the case. When he was still young, but too old to go sleep in his father’s bed. He’d walk around dawn winery. He’d clear his thoughts by going on walks, and one night he saw Diluc also awake.

What are you doing up Luc? 

Can’t sleep, you? 

Uh yeah…me either.

Diluc always knew when Kaeya was lying when they were younger. “You have many tells.” He’d say. But he would never tell him what they were.

Why are you really awake? 

I…I had a nightmare. 

Kaeya remembers seeing Diluc look at him with a blank expression on his face. He was sure he was going to tease him for having nightmares. 

But he didn’t. 

What happened in your nightmare?

I don’t know…I was falling I think…it just scared me.

Are you still scared?

I don’t know…

Well you’re not falling now so there’s nothing to be scared of.  

But what if I have the same nightmare when I go back to sleep?

Just remember that it’s not real. 

“It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real.” Kaeya repeated to himself as he took a sip of his wine trying to calm his nerves. 

Before Kaeya realized, he had passed out sitting at his table, wine in his hand. 

He awoke to a throbbing pain in his head, he decided to go out, clear his mind.

It seems it didn’t work, because suddenly he found himself outside of Diluc’s tavern.

Might as well get another drink, he thought.

“You look like shit.” Diluc muttered while pouring him a drink.

“Ah well everyone else seems to disagree” he said while winking to a nearby costumer who happened to be looking at him. 

Diluc simply stared at him. “When was the last time you slept?” 

“Last night of course, I do need my beauty sleep.” He said and he heard a few people giggle nearby and fawn over him. And while this wasn’t exactly a lie. It certainly wasn’t the full truth either.

He smiled and Diluc’s expression didn’t change at all. He just kept staring. Kaeya wondered if he was showing one of his tells and Diluc already knew he was lying. 

Either way, they both acted like nothing was wrong. 

Kaeya stayed there until closing, he flirted and danced with some people to pass the time and he also attempted to annoy Diluc and get him to smile.

It used to be so easy, making Diluc smile. All he had to do was look at him funny and they’d both burst into laughter.

Now nothing seems to work. Diluc just continues to stare at him. 

He couldn’t tell what Diluc was feeling at all. Was it hatred? Pity? Worry? 

Kaeya could never figure it out.

Diluc seemed to always know what Kaeya was feeling though, he wondered if Diluc knew how much he missed him. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow Diluc dear, everyone knows your favorite part of the day is when your amazing brother comes into your tavern.”

“It’s the worst part of my day, which is the entire day seeing as you’re always here.” Diluc muttered while cleaning a cup.

Kaeya just smiled at him. At this point he couldn’t tell if Diluc was joking or not anymore.

“See you tomorrow Kaeya.” Diluc said right before Kaeya left.

“Mhm.” Kaeya smiled at him one last time before leaving. 

——

Kaeya found himself waking up from another nightmare.

Constant falling without any stop.

He couldn’t take it anymore. 

He wanted- he needed it to stop.

He considering jumping off a roof. He’d finally be able to face his fear of falling. But then he considered the mess that would make, and the poor person who would have the unfortunate timing of finding his body. 

Or maybe that was just him making up excuses, and the thought of falling with no one to catch him terrifies him. 

Either way, he decided another way. A more…peaceful way. Gods know he doesn’t deserve that. A peaceful way out. 

He grabbed a small bottle of poison. He had acquired on one of his trips to the mountains. Albedo had found it and Kaeya took an interest in it.

He and Albedo got along quite well, so he had no problem giving his findings to Kaeya, he also gave him some of his notes that went along with the poison.

Even just the tiniest drop could have dire consequences” was written in Albedo’s perfect handwriting. 

He thought of Albedo. He’ll miss his soft smile, and how he used his hands to create beautiful unique paintings. Albedo created life, Kaeya always ended up destroying that life.

No. This wasn’t time to get emotional. 

He grabbed a few pieces of paper he had laying around. He picked up a pen and stared at the blank papers.

Everything seemed a lot more real now, ignoring the fear in his mind he began writing.

He didn’t bother getting sentimental in his letters, they mostly were simply saying how he wants to leave most of his possessions to Albedo or Klee, his most personal items to Diluc, nothing else other than that mattered. He didn’t really know if anyone would care either. Sure, people would miss his smile and his ability to make people laugh, but no one would miss him. He kept so much of himself closed off, no one truly knew him. Except maybe for Diluc. 

A part of him tried to muster up the courage to go knock on Diluc’s door. To tell him he had a nightmare and he needs his brother. Even just hearing Diluc’s voice would have helped.

But he didn’t want to bother him, not anymore. 

So he drank it all in one gulp. And smiled to himself, he’ll finally stop falling, and he’ll finally hit the ground. 

His nightmare will finally be over.

But while Kaeya drifted away and closed his eyes for the last time, Diluc had a nightmare too, and was about to knock on Kaeya’s door, looking for some sort of comfort. But he decided against it. He didn’t want to bother him.