Days Since Outbreak: 1133
Survivors: Lexa, Lincoln, Echo, Clarke, Raven, Bellamy, Octavia, Jasper and Monty
Location : Fort Woods, Washington DC
Lexa’s eyes shot open suddenly, inhaling sharply as she took that familiar gasp of air that her lungs so craved whenever she woke up from a restless night’s sleep. She blinked quickly as she reached her hand up to rub her eyes roughly, trying to expel the same nightmare that haunted her for the past month. It was a nightmare she hadn’t told anyone about, she had told her girlfriend that she was having the same one as she always had but at some point it changed from Costia being the one confronting Lexa about dying with bite marks on her arm, to Clarke. Truthfully she hadn’t dreamt of Costia in a while and although she thought of the other woman daily, it was nice for it to be on her terms rather than being haunted by the infected version of the woman she once loved. Instead, she was dreaming of Clarke being the one who was talking to her about the fact that she could not outrun death, her arm dripping blood after infected had bitten her; instead she was haunted by what she thought could be a horrific omen to something she wasn’t sure she was capable of dealing with. Although the nightmare was shorter, her mind knowing that Clarke was lying in bed right beside her; it didn’t make Lexa feel any better when she woke up.
Her stomach churned as she remembered what Anya had told her yesterday and what Lexa had spoken to Clarke about the night before, Clarke was going to be the first human trial subject to the newly developed vaccine and it wasn’t sitting right with the brunette at all. She rolled from her back to her side, a soft smile on her face as she saw the still sleeping blonde with her bare back towards her; freckles she had grown accustomed to seeing over the past year was just a symbol of of stability Lexa had found with her girlfriend. Her chest tightened as her heart felt full in that moment where she could forget about the world outside, she could forget about all she had lost and what she had been through whilst she looked at Clarke sleeping peacefully.
She shuffled her body the short distance to be pressed up against the blonde, nuzzling into the back of her neck to inhale the familiar smell of her hair; which still managed to smell intoxicating to Lexa even in the conditions they were living in. She looped her arm around Clarke’s waist gently, feeling the blonde take her hand instantly and pull it towards her mouth so she could place a gentle kiss on Lexa’s knuckles whilst their legs tangled once more on the small bed.
“Morning” Clarke said huskily, sleep still extremely evident in her tone
“Good morning” Lexa said nuzzling further into her girlfriend, placing a delicate kiss on a spot on the back of her neck
“Waking up in his bed is much better when you’re in it with me” Clarke admitted quietly as Lexa felt her nod slightly “You had a nightmare last night, didn’t you?”
“Did I wake you?” Lexa asked in a hushed tone, allowing her eyes to close once more as she settled herself against the blonde, feeling her heartbeat settle into a content rhythm
“Yeah but that’s okay” Clarke gave Lexa’s hand a squeeze before she rolled herself over to face the brunette, a tired smile on her lips “Hi”
“Hey” Lexa rested her forehead against Clarke’s gently, exhaling sharply “Are you sure you have to do this today?”
“Yes” Clarke replied with a nod, pulling her head back so she could actually look her girlfriend in the eyes “I’m sorry but I’m not going to change my mind”
“I guess it wouldn’t be you if you did” Lexa chuckled darkly to herself as she squeezed her eyes close tightly momentarily “Well I’m still coming with you”
“You really don’t need to do that”
“Yes I do” Lexa responded instantly “What time are you getting this done?”
“Just after breakfast” Clarke nodded “The infirmary is pretty busy right now, there’s a bug going around so people are getting a little unwell and dehydrated”
“You’re being careful around them, right?” Lexa asked with raised eyebrows
“Yes, Lexa” Clarke said with a small smile “Your concern is cute but you don’t need to be worried. You’re the one who is always out there bringing people back into Fort Woods and risking your life”
“And you’re sure that this thing is going to work?” Lexa asked, her eyebrows stayed raised “You’re sure that this trial is going to be a success and I have nothing to worry about?”
“People here have been working for a year on this, making sure to fill in any shortcuts that Dante Wallace might have taken to get to his results. We have tested it time and time again to get it to a human trial” Clarke said with confidence “So yes, I’m sure it will be a success and you have nothing to worry about”
“I’m just not completely convinced considering you’re going to have infected blood injected into you in a few days” Lexa replied shaking her head subtly, her eyebrows furrowing in concern “And I don’t think you can blame me for that”
“No I can’t blame you for that so maybe you don’t need to be convinced, you just need to trust me like we talked about last night” Clarke replied with a small shrug as she leaned forward to press a chaste but meaningful kiss to Lexa’s lips “Trust me that it will be okay and it will work out like it’s supposed to”
“No offence Clarke but since when have things ever worked out for us?”
“Well this place has worked out for us so far” Clarke reasoned with another shrug “And your squad have all managed to stay together since we got here so that has to mean something”
“Of course it does but it doesn’t make me feel better” Lexa said honestly
“Lexa I’m doing this for a great reason, I’m doing this so maybe we can go back to a world without infected or at least fearing turning into one if we get bitten” Clarke shook her head “I’m doing this so we can gain some dignity back in death when it’s our time, I’m doing this so maybe the world can improve from what it is now”
“And you are amazing for doing that” Lexa said seriously as she brought a hand up to cup Clarke’s cheek gently while her eyes moved between the blue ones in front of her “But to me and I know this will be extremely sappy or whatever; but to me if I lose you then I lose everything”
“You’re not going to lose me” Clarke said with a heavy sigh as she leaned into Lexa’s touch “I know it’s not easy, I would feel the same if you were the one doing this but I just need you to trust me”
Lexa sat in the room when Clarke was injected with the vaccine, she felt sick from the moment she walked into the makeshift lab inside the makeshift hospital. Watching uncomfortably as one of the military scientists injected the woman she loved with the vaccine that they had been working on from all the work her squad had brought with them into Fort Woods. She wasn’t so worried about Clarke being injected with the vaccine but it was the fact that it meant in fourty-eight hours later she would be subjected to infected blood and Lexa just had to hope that all the work they had done would prove to be a success or she would lose Clarke in the most devastating way possible. Lexa reluctantly left Clarke at the makeshift hospital half an hour after her injection; the blonde had to get back to work and Lexa needed to get out to perimeter patrol like she had been assigned. It took her three attempts to say goodbye before she could actually leave; only after multiple reassurances from Clarke that she was fine and a few kisses she was able to part from her girlfriend to start her patrol.
She wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about the trial that Clarke was undertaking, it was completely confidential and classified but she wasn’t sure whether she would actually be able to keep what she knew from Lincoln and Echo at the very least. She held her AR-15 at her side, her cap pulled down tightly to shield her eyes from the sun as it beat down on them on the particularly hot day. She could feel the sweat rolling down her neck after they had been walking around for a few hours, missing the tank top she was permitted to wear when she wasn’t on rotation. Perimeter patrol at Fort Woods was different to anywhere else Lexa had been, they had two groups outside the fences and the Commander’s group were patrolling a mile away from the actual perimeter to stop any threats coming an closer to their safe hold.
“You okay, Commander?” Echo asked quietly as she approached her friend giving her a small nudge to bring her back down to earth as the group of eight patrolled the outside of Fort Woods “We kind of need you to look alive out here”
“Sorry” Lexa said with a loud and frustrated sigh
“What’s going on?” Echo questioned with a shake of her head “And I’m not going to believe you if you say nothing”
“Well then you’re not going to believe me” Lexa mumbled as her eyes continued to focus on her surroundings “Because nothing is going on”
“I’ve known you for too long to believe that” Echo responded quietly, glancing back to Lincoln who was walking behind them with his eyes on the pair “We can both see that there is something going on”
“I can’t tell you” Lexa answered quickly “Even if I wanted to, I can’t tell you”
“Does it have something to do with that bug going around?” Echo asked, her nervousness evident in her tone “I was talking to Bellamy and he seemed to think that the group of 6 of refugees that came in before we got back yesterday were pretty sick but we accepted them anyway”
“Why does he seem to think this?” Lexa asked as her eyes moved to meet Echo’s, also glancing back at Lincoln who took a few big strides to be directly behind the two “Why is it those refugees in particular?”
“Well no one was sick here before they came in” Lincoln muttered carefully “And now they’re trying to find more places for people with this bug going around”
“It’s just a bug, it’s fine” Lexa dismissed with a shake of her head as she paused in her tracks, picking out at least a dozen infected that had somehow made their way through the few safeguards that the military had set up to block approaching infected “We’re going to have to check the perimeter for holes by the looks of it”
“I don’t think it’s just a bug though, I mean yeah we have a hospital and we have some doctors; a few scientists to help our cause but we’re in no way shape or form capable of taking care of another outbreak on top of what is already going on right now. We just have to hope that it doesn’t spread and we haven’t isolated them too late” Echo said seriously, looking to Lincoln who just shrugged “Apparently the upper command is pretty on edge about it so I assumed that’s why you were but I’m guessing not now”
“No, that’s not it” Lexa responded honestly “But if there is something going on with this bug, then I haven’t been told about it”
“Maybe you should ask Anya then” Lincoln suggested cautiously “Not that they wouldn’t tell us everything but this might be something we need to know”
“I think we need to be more concerned about those infected coming towards us” Lexa hissed as she paused in her tracks, turning her head so she could speak quietly to her two friends “They’ve started a human trial for the cure Dante Wallace found”
“What?” Echo asked with wide eyes
“We have to take care of these infected first, then I’ll tell you about it” Lexa muttered, looking to the other five military personnel on their rotation for that day “We need to take care of these infected quickly, the less rounds we use the better so we’ll get a little closer and start taking them out. Don’t let them get too close to you though”
“Let’s get this over with” Lincoln agreed as he brought his rifle up to aim at the infected as they approached slowly
Lexa watched the infected carefully as their limping increased in pace after spotting the group, watching their teeth snapping through her scope as she held her aim. She exhaled slowly before pulling her trigger and the group followed suit. The infected were dropped with ease until there was one left walking towards them, Lexa was unsure as to why the other members in her group hadn’t put it down yet.
“Don’t shoot” One of the group members said as he took a few steps towards the approaching infected, blocking Lexa’s shot “That…I know her”
“You don’t know her” Echo called quickly “She’s an infected, you don’t know her”
“That’s my ex girlfriend” He said with a shake of his head, his eyes wide as he took a few more steps towards her with his hands out “Hannah?”
“She’s dead!” Lexa exclaimed quickly “Put her down or she’ll kill you”
“Hannah” He said slowly as she was now feet from the solider, the angle he was standing in was still blocking Lexa’s shot of the infected “Hannah, it’s me”
“Put her down!” Lexa called as she moved from her position so she could gain a clear shot of the infected who was now reaching for the soldier who held her at arms length whilst she attempted to bite him
Lexa had no choice but to take her shot as he looked on with a stunned expression, hitting her cleanly in the head before she fell to the ground and from his arms. The soldier turned to Lexa with wide eyes, his expression wasn’t one of anger but it was one of shock and loss; it was an expression she was all to used to.
“That was stupid” Lexa snapped with a shake of her head “You could have died”
“I knew her” He said hesitantly before repeating shakily “I knew her”
“She was dead” Lexa responded “And she would have killed you too if you held her like that for much longer”
“No, she loved me” He shook his head as he looked down at the infected’s body “She loved me and I still loved her”
“You’re from around here?” Echo questioned cautiously, trying to calm her fellow soldier down
“She lived here, she went on a supply run a few months back and never made it back but I thought she survived. I just thought she got lost or found another group, I didn’t think she would be dead” He looked back up to the group of soldiers in front of him, Lexa not lowering her gun as she watched him drop his rifle only to reach for his pistol “Everyone I love is dead”
She couldn’t do anything to stop him because the only thing she could was the exact same thing that he was planning to do himself. She held his gaze as he raised his gun to his temple quickly and pulled the trigger, causing Lexa to flinch and shut her eyes tightly as she heard Echo gasp next to her. Lexa exhaled deeply before opening her eyes once more, letting her rifle hang by her side as she placed her hands on her hips and turned to the other members of the group.
“He was hanging on by a thread” One soldier reasoned with a sad smile “He has been for a while since she went missing”
“Honestly I thought he would have done that sooner” Another said, not with malice or to be spiteful but Lexa could tell that she was just being truthful “I’m not sure he was cut out to be in this world”
“Are any of us?” Echo asked with a shrug
“Get his gun and take his knife if he is carrying one” Lexa mumbled as she turned to Lincoln and Echo “We’re going to have to go out and see how those infected got through”
“The sad thing is that we’re used to seeing that now” Echo said quietly as she sighed herself with a shake of her head “It’s just sad that it seems like it’s the only option, that because of the state of the world doing that seems to be like the easiest option out”
“Living is harder now” Lincoln mumbled darkly
Lexa felt a shiver run down her spine through the intense heat, remembering her dream vividly from the night before as her squad members practically voice aloud what had been said by both Costia and Clarke. She swallowed thickly as she looked down to the body of the now dead soldier, almost ashamed at the fact that she was more numb to his death than what she should have been. She didn’t know him, she had only spoken to him a few times but a loss of human life used to be a big deal and now; it was just another part of their day that they had to move on with.
Something inside of her just clicked something that gave her a realisation as to why Clarke might have thought she needed to do what she was doing. Clarke didn’t want to live in a world like she was living in now; where the dead greatly outweighed the living and where death wasn’t even properly mourned any more because it happened far too often. Clarke knew that it wouldn’t change the world completely but it would improve it, it would help those who needed it and would stop the dead from coming back instead of resting like they were supposed to. Clarke also knew that if she wanted to see some kind of change, she was probably going to have to be the one to do it seeing as no one else would.
Lexa’s thoughts were completely disrupted when she heard the faint sound of old sirens sounding in the direction of inside Fort Woods; knowing that the only time they were ever sounded was when there were infected inside the walls. She had never heard the sirens before because no incidents with infected had ever occurred inside Fort Woods but she had been briefed during her training on first arrival at the rebuild sight. Lexa looked to her group who all looked to her, confirming that she wasn’t hearing things her thoughts went directly to Clarke and everyone else who was inside Fort Woods.
“We’ll come back and check those safeguards as soon as we find out what is going on inside there” Lexa said as she took a few hurried steps backwards towards Fort Woods “A siren means they need all soldiers in the immediate area”
“Don’t have to tell us twice” Lincoln said with a shake of his head as they all exchanged glances before turning on their heels and began running towards Fort Woods
Lexa wasn’t thinking about anything else but the people she cared about inside Fort Woods as they ran, the absence of gunfire puzzled the brunette as they pushed forward through the hot afternoon.They weren’t supposed to be on the distant perimeter patrol that day so they didn’t take vehicles, Lexa swapped her patrol squad out for the other group simply to do a few who had done a double shift a favour. They dragged their gear and their tired, worn feet through the heated streets; thankfully not having to deal with any other infected along the way that would slow them down. It took them 7 minutes to reach the gates of Fort Woods, they were opened immediately for the returning perimeter watch rotation and they quickly found a crowd gathering outside of the makeshift hospital; numerous soldiers standing guard and keeping people away from the entrance.
Lexa pushed through the crowd of refugees as she saw Anya standing at the outside of the makeshift hospital, talking with Bellamy with their heads close together and the brunette noticed Bellamy’s pale complexion immediately.
“What’s going on?” Lexa asked as she reached the two after being waved through by her superior “We heard the sirens and we came back”
“Something happened, Lexa” Anya said slowly, her voice very careful and giving Lexa cause to sound alarm bells within her head “A few refugees were pretty sick, they died of a respiratory bug that was brought into Fort Woods a few days before you came back. They’ve been in quarantine but unfortunately one died and they obviously came back as a Z”
“That’s why the siren sounded?” Lexa asked raising her eyebrows as her stomach churned, knowing the story didn’t end there
“In part” Anya responded “They were in quarantine so the Z got to the other refugees within that ward and they were killed too, they were too weak to defend themselves or were sleeping at the time. We had three doctors in there at the time; one of them was also killed. Now I need you to be as calm about this as you can but Clarke was in quarantine with them at the time, she was one of the doctors on shift as you know”
“Where is she?” Lexa asked with wide eyes, her heart felt as if it had stopped and dropped to the ground as she waited for what felt like years for a reply “Where is Clarke?”
“She’s inside, she’s alive” Anya nodded with a sad smile “She actually got to the Z’s before anyone out here did and she managed to stop quite a few of them”
“Well where is she?” Lexa questioned anxiously as she looked to Bellamy who wouldn’t look Lexa in the eyes, the brunette feeling worse and worse as the seconds ticked by without a clear answer
“As I said; she’s inside but she was in the quarantine area” Anya said shaking her head “We can’t let anyone in or out because there are still people inside with the bug and it’s turned out to be more serious than we thought”
“Anya cut the crap, what happened?”
“Clarke was bitten” Anya said regretfully as she looked at her younger friend
Lexa froze as the words echoed through her ears but didn’t register with her mind until a good few seconds after the words were spoken. She was sure that if anyone was listening close enough they would have heard the shattering sound of everything around her, a loud ringing began in her ears instantly as she felt the contents of her stomach churn once more. Lexa looked to Bellamy who had a faltering stiff upper lip as she felt Echo place her hand on her shoulder, only to shrug it off unintentionally as she took a step towards Anya.
“Did…did you just say she was bitten?” Lexa asked shakily “Clarke?”
“On the arm” Anya confirmed quietly “She was fighting off one and another caught her. She killed them both and she is still alive inside but she is been kept separately from everyone else inside as you can probably understand”
“But the vaccine” Lexa said with wide eyes, the brunette completely unaware of the words leaving her mouth as her entire body shook “She has the vaccine”
“Vaccine?” She heard Echo ask from behind her but Lexa kept her eyes on Anya
“We think it’s too early for it to do anything, it’s only been hours” Anya responded doubtfully, in a hushed tone as she looked to those surrounding the makeshift hospital “But that’s why we are keeping her in there for observation. If she turns then we will be able to contain her but if she doesn’t then I guess we will know it works”
“I need to go in there” Lexa said as she moved to push past Anya only to have the older girl block her path, unable to make eye contact with the Commander “Anya”
“Lexa it’s quarantined for a reason, no one is allowed inside” Anya said regretfully with pursed lips “I know you want to go in there but you could get sick if you go in there. We have to contain the risk in order for us to manage this”
“Anya I don’t want to make a scene here but if you think anything you say to me is going to keep me from going inside then you better have something planned that involves more than words because you’re going to need something with more force” Lexa responded with a clenched jaw, her heart rate increasing by the second “Let me go in there”
“Maybe you shouldn’t” Bellamy offered quietly “I hate suggesting this but maybe it’s better if you don’t see her like she might be later”
“Let me in” Lexa replied as her chest heaved and her expression hardened “Now”
“Just let her in” Echo snapped angrily “You can’t possibly make her stay out here when Clarke is inside”
“Octavia and Raven are inside there as well, they’re watching over the quarantine ward so she has company” Anya offered weakly
“But she’s locked up in a room by herself?” Lexa asked with raised eyebrows
“It was her idea, she suggested that we don’t let anyone in” Anya admitted “She doesn’t want this to spread and she wanted herself locked in a quarantined room for when she…”
“I’m going in and you’re going to have to shoot me to stop me” Lexa snapped angrily as she attempted to push through Anya but her older friend held firm once more “So pull your gun out now if you’re going to do it”
“If you go in there then you can’t come back out until you are medically cleared, do you understand that?” Anya asked cautiously “That could take days or maybe even a week or two”
“Do you understand that if that vaccine doesn’t work than I’m not coming out of there at all?” Lexa responded quickly with a shake of her head, her resolve slowly breaking as her lower lip began to falter once she considered the ramifications of the situation she was facing “I’m not coming out unless Clarke is coming with me”
“That’s a stupid and rash decision that you are making in the heat of the moment, Lexa” Anya said gripping her arm tightly “Don’t make one death into two when it’s unnecessary, you know how foolish that is. People need you here, you can’t just check out”
“Then hopefully you’ll see both Clarke and I when we’re cleared” Lexa snapped angrily as she pushed past Anya and rushing through the makeshift hospital door as she heard Echo calling out from behind her
Lexa knew she would regret that later, she knew she would feel horrible for not saying goodbye to Echo and Lincoln if things didn’t go the way she was hoping but all she could focus on was Clarke. She walked with urgency towards the quarantined ward of the hospital, knowing where it was because she had seen Clarke leave that area a number of times. She couldn’t describe how she felt if she tried because she wasn’t sure if she could feel anything at all. She was in complete disbelief on how her day had turned from being unbelievably happy as she woke up next to the woman she loved; to being told she was bitten by an infected and now was just being held on her own as her chain of command basically waited for her to die or waited to see whether the vaccine they injected such a short time ago could work.
She rounded the corner quickly, her shoulder hitting the corner of the wall as she tried to hurry her movements as much as possible and paused as she saw the sight of Raven and Octavia sitting closely together outside of the door they were supposed to be guarding; Jasper and Monty sitting on the other side of the hall with their head in their hands.
“Is she in there?” Lexa asked quietly, all of their eyes moving to the brunette as they pulled themselves out of a trance “Is Clarke in there?”
“Yeah” Raven rasped with a nod, Octavia’s arm around her shoulder as she exhaled shakily “We’re not supposed to let anyone in there and she won’t let us go in there with her but I mean if we were going to get sick then we would already have caught the bug being in here”
“I think it’s about more than that” Octavia said sadly
“I’m going in there” Lexa said as she took a few steps towards the door but Octavia stood quickly with a broken expression
“I know and I know that I can’t really stop you” Octavia began
“You can’t” Lexa said looking directly at the door, not able to meet Octavia’s eyes
“Just look after her, okay?” Octavia asked “Do whatever she asks you to do”
Lexa exhaled a shaky breath, her legs feeling as if they were going to fail as she took one last step towards the door. She swallowed thickly, her shaky hand on the door-handle before turning her wrist quickly and pushing the door open gently incase Clarke may have been sitting against it.
After closing the door behind her she felt herself break a thousand times over as she took in the sight in front of her; Clarke was huddled into the very corner of the small quarantine room. She had her back to the wall, hugging her legs to her body and resting her forehead on her knees. Lexa couldn’t believe just how small the other girl looked before she paused as she saw the bandage over the wound on her forearm; the white material was stained with red, knowing that the infected must have taken quite a bite of her arm but at least it looked like they managed to stop the bleeding. She paused because it was the exact spot she had seen Clarke bitten in her dream the previous night, her body weakening once more as she observed the blonde’s shoulder’s shaking slightly.
“Clarke” Lexa said with a voice just above a whisper, surprised she was even able to open her mouth
“Why are you in here?” Clarke asked unevenly, her tone not angry but more concerned than anything
“Really?” Lexa asked evenly “Did you really not think I would come in here?”
“You shouldn’t have” Clarke said as she looked up to the brunette, their eyes meeting and the soldier reading the distress, anxiety and pain that was being so obviously broadcasted through the blue orbs she loved “I quarantined myself in here for a reason. I didn’t even want them outside but they wouldn’t leave”
“We love you Clarke, we’re not going to leave you” Lexa shook her head quickly, her eyes stinging with the now familiar feeling her eyes beginning to water subtly as her vision blurred slightly
Lexa could have broken down at the sight in front of her; Clarke looked pale, she looked unwell and she looked tired. She looked nothing like Lexa was used to seeing, nothing like Lexa ever would have guessed after seeing her that morning. She could have broken down because her world was crashing down around her but she knew that wasn’t good enough for Clarke. She knew that she had to be as strong as she could manage because Clarke was the one who had been bitten, she was the one who was infected and she was the one quarantined in the hospital by herself; Lexa couldn’t even imagine the thoughts that were running through the blonde’s mind at that moment.
“You should though” Clarke croaked weakly, not even able to mean the words she was speaking “You’re going to be in here for a few days now because you’ve been exposed to the bug”
“I don’t care” Lexa responded instantly as she took her rifle off to place it by the door as she approached Clarke, sitting down next to her without hesitation and placing her arm around her waist to pull the blonde against her “And I’m not going anywhere. You and me”
“You and me” Clarke replied quietly with a small sigh “You can’t stay long, it will only take a few hours at the most for the infection to set in”
“But you had the vaccine this morning” Lexa said with a stiff upper lip “I mean that could work, right?”
“It hasn’t been in my system long enough” Clarke shrugged as she succumbed to their usual position by resting her head against Lexa’s shoulder “After all that, I get bitten in a safe hold trying to treat refugees. I think I would have preferred to go out a bit differently, maybe fighting a horde or courageously blowing myself up to destroy something. I don’t know, dying in a quarantined room after being bitten by an infected just seems like a bit of an anti-climax”
“Clarke” Lexa protested weakly, shutting her eyes tightly as she tried to deal with everything inside of her that just wanted to implode
“I mean I survived the whole month at Dante Wallace’s compound, I survived running for hours from a horde, Quint trying to kill me, the whole hospital supply run, the compound…1133 days of this new world and I get bitten after someone got sick” Clarke said with a sigh “I guess that’s just how it is, huh? How it’s supposed to be”
“No” Lexa shook her head “No, that’s not just how it is Clarke or how it’s supposed to be”
“You’re going to be okay, Lexa” Clarke said quickly, the brunette hearing the pain in Clarke’s voice “You’ll be fine”
“You can’t possibly believe that” Lexa mumbled quietly as she tightened her grip against Clarke’s waist “The only way I leave this room is if you leave with me”
“Don’t be stupid” Clarke scolded weakly, lifting her hand to wipe away sweat from her forehead before reaching out to take Lexa’s other hand in her own “You can’t do that. Everyone out there needs you”
“I told you that I can’t do this without you anymore” Lexa shook her head, shutting her eyes tightly as she tried to blink away the tears still forming in her eyes “I meant it when I said it”
“Your squad needs you, these people need you” Clarke responded immediately
“And I need you” Lexa shrugged simply, as if no other thoughts mattered to the brunette and at that moment; nothing else did matter to her but the girl in her arms “You would be the same if it were me in this situation”
“And you’d be saying the same thing that I am” Clarke quipped quietly “I’m glad it’s not you though”
“I wish it was me instead of you” Lexa disagreed as she looked down at the reddened bandage on the blonde’s arm “Does it hurt a lot?”
“Yeah, it wasn’t a huge bite but it definitely hurts. It kind of just burns, I feel like I’ve got fire running through my veins” The blonde confirmed nodding “I thought I cleared them all, I was so careful and as I was putting one down he just came from nowhere. It was pretty stupid of me to try and contain them by myself so I guess that’s what I get”
“It wasn’t stupid” Lexa countered firmly “I mean it might have been but you’re more stubborn and brave than anyone I have ever met”
“Do you plan on staying with me?” Clarke asked quietly after a moment of silence passed between the two girls “I mean I’m not stupid enough to actually think you’ll agree to leaving me, even if that is exactly what you should do”
“Do you want me to leave?” Lexa asked carefully, almost flinching as she waited for the response. She wanted to do what the blonde desired but she didn’t want to leave the other girl, she wasn’t sure if she could “Do you want me to go?”
“No” Clarke said with a small shake of her head “I want you to stay right here”
“Then we’re on the same page” Lexa said nodding, turning her head to place a delicate kiss to the side of Clarke’s head; feeling the heat radiating from her skin and the dampness of her hair against her lips “You’re burning up, Clarke”
“That’s what happens I guess” Clarke just shrugged as she picked her head up from Lexa’s shoulders to look her in the eyes “Can you do something for me?”
“When I turn into an infected…will you end it quickly?” Clarke asked cautiously as her eyes searched Lexa’s; the brunette feeling as if her heart had just fallen out of her chest “And I know that’s a lot to ask but I just want it done quickly”
“Please” Clarke said with desperation, her eyes pleading with the brunette “I don’t want to be one for long. I don’t want to be one at all”
“You’re not going to be” Lexa said with a clenched jaw “We don’t know that this vaccine won’t work”
“Yeah but I’m getting sick just like people do when they are bitten and not killed by an infected” Clarke countered with a furrowed brow “I mean look how unwell I am”
“But you’ve been exposed to this bug”
“I’ve been bitten by an infected, Lexa” Clarke countered once more as she reached her hand to stroke Lexa’s cheek gently “I know I’m asking you a lot considering what you had to do with Costia but I would like you to please do that for me”
“I don’t know if I can” Lexa shook her head as she muttered “I can’t hurt you”
“It won’t be me”
“Stop” Lexa’s eyes slammed shut once more, resting her forehead against the smouldering skin of the blonde “I thought I could do this Clarke but I can’t. I can’t do this without you; you’re the only reason why I’m still around”
“Lexa I don’t like this either, it’s not like I wanted this” Clarke countered painfully
“I know but I’m going to be the one left behind without you” Lexa shook her head urgently, pushing back from Clarke so she could look her in the eyes “I’m the one who has to be in the world without you and I just don’t see a point in trying anymore. Why bother trying to survive anymore if I don’t want to? Why bother when it’s just easier to give in?”
“Because that’s not who you are” Clarke responded quietly “I’ve never seen you give up on anything Lexa and you’re not going to start now”
“I’ll do it but I’m not walking out of here” Lexa mumbled, bringing her hand up to wipe her eyes quickly “You and me”
“I don’t want to argue” Clarke shook her head, swallowing thickly as she winced in pain “I just want to talk with you”
Lexa nodded in silence, resting her forehead once more against Clarke’s with a jagged exhale.
“This is not how I expected today to go” Lexa said quietly with a shake of her head
“How did you expect it to go?”
“I don’t know but I wasn’t expecting this” Lexa responded instantly “I know that we’re never promised anything else but the moment we’re living in; I mean we both knew that but it kind of seemed like no matter what happened we’d be okay”
“We went a long time avoiding something we can’t really avoid” Clarke replied with a shrug “We were really lucky”
“I guess so” Lexa shrugged herself “Not lucky enough by the looks of it. I kind of thought we were going to have more time than this so it was stupid to think that. It was stupid to get my hopes up because I’m not supposed to hope anymore, I’m not supposed to be foolish enough to think I’m guaranteed time”
“I’ve been outrunning this for a while though, I mean I would have been dead in that field over a year ago if you hadn’t come along” Clarke admitted with a nod
“I knew you were going to be a handful the moment I asked my squad to check you over and you told me you couldn’t really do anything with your hands tied up. Also when I left you in the back of the Pick-Up when I went to get my backpack and you gave me some attitude” Lexa smiled sadly as she turned her head away momentarily to steady her tone so she looked at the white of the wall on the other side of the room, her heart clenching knowing that she was never going to be able to create any further memories with the woman she loved “I was curious about you from the moment I saw you”
“I saw you turn away and try to hide your smile” The blonde returned, her breathing beginning to become more labored than Lexa was comfortable with, which caused her to bite her own cheek gently and shutting her eyes tightly before turning her head back to hold the blonde’s gaze. What cut Lexa the deepest was seeing the pain in Lexa’s expression, all the brunette wanted to do was help her somehow but she knew it wasn’t possible “I thought you were going to shoot me first of all. I thought you were all just lining me up and then you called me over to you. I didn’t know what to expect but I kind of figured if you were going to kill me then you would have done it while I was running but I knew I would be smart not to mess with you; which I was right about”
“When did you know you had feelings for me?” Lexa questioned more out of curiosity than anything as she pressed her forehead to Clarke’s once more and feeling the heat radiating off her skin so much that she almost felt as if her own temperature was rising because of the contact
“I’m not sure there was a particular point, I think it kind of happened quickly but we waited enough to figure it out” Clarke shrugged with a pained expression once more as she swallowed thickly “I think that we kind of saved each other in more ways than one more than just a few times; I think we were both a bit lost”
“I think we’d be dead a few times over if we hadn’t met when we did. I don’t know where I would be, where we would have ended up, who would be alive or even if I would have wanted to even be alive still” Lexa responded with a quiet chuckle, finding peace in that moment with Clarke as she watched the blonde in front of her reacting so bravely to the situation she had been placed in “I never ever thought I would love someone else let alone find them in the post apocalyptic world so thank you for making all of this more bearable than what it probably should have been”
“It’s not over for you though” Clarke rasped her she placed a gentle kiss on the corner of Lexa’s mouth “You’ve still got things you need to do, you need to get this vaccine to anyone who wants it and you need to help a lot more people out there who ask for it”
“What’s the point though?” Lexa shook her head quickly as she tried to come to terms with her own words and what weight they carried for both she and Clarke “I mean if I don’t want to live then what is the point struggling and fighting through every day when I don’t want to? I know that you don’t want to argue but I can’t lie to you”
“I know” Clarke replied simply; the simplicity in her response surprising Lexa momentarily
“Do you remember how I said the apocalypse sucked?” Lexa asked quietly, shifting her lips to ghost over the blonde’s
“When I asked you to be my girlfriend?” Clarke responded playfully
“Yeah” Lexa smiled sadly with a nod “When you made fun of me and asked me to be your girlfriend”
“I wasn’t making fun of you” Clarke whispered, her warm breath tickling against Lexa’s skin
“Anyway, I gave you hypotheticals of what I thought would have happened if the apocalypse hadn’t happened”
“I’m not sure we would have met if it didn’t happen” Clarke countered with a shrug, giving in and placing a chase kiss against Lexa’s lips but the brunette pulled away only because she was yet to finish her point
“Maybe not and I don’t know what would have happened but I’m glad I had you to go through it with me for the past year” Lexa responded with a nod “I would have given up long before now if you weren’t in the picture”
“Well good thing I was then because people need you and they still do” Clarke replied seriously “You can’t give up now”
Lexa didn’t say another word because she had waited long enough, she leaned in to capture Clarke’s lips in her own in a kiss that was worthy of something she thought as possibly their last one. If Clarke was sick with the bug then she didn’t care, it was the very last thing that was on her mind because the only thing on her mind was the blonde in front of her and the lips she was kissing. Lexa turned her body to face Clarke’s completely, sitting like they had been last night on the top of their demountable; cupping the blonde’s feverish cheeks in her cool hands as if she were glass and any further pressure would result in her shattering. She felt Clarke exhale deeply into her lips as their lips moved together, the brunette wanting to capture that feeling in her mind because she knew she would never be able to replicate the complete peace and the contentment she felt whenever she was kissing the other girl.
They both pulled away reluctantly, wordlessly they returned to their previous position of Clarke resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder and the brunette protectively encircling the blonde in her arms. The soldier swallowed thickly as she felt Clarke shiver against her, wiping a matted strand of blonde hair away from Clarke’s face.
“If this vaccine had worked and things went back to the way they were, which I know they wouldn’t but if they had where do you think we would be?” Clarke asked quietly, her throat scratching as she spoke “Playing hypotheticals again, where do you think we would be?”
“Well I think in an alternative universe to what the world is now I definitely think we would definitely be living with each other” Lexa nodded, resting her head on top of Clarke’s gently and taking the blonde’s hand in her own once more “I think that we’d be in California, you would have moved there by now”
“Oh so I would have moved to you then?” Clarke asked jokingly, a tone of defiance in her voice
“Definitely, you’d come live with me but I’d probably quit the army and find something else to do so I didn’t have to go anywhere or away from you” Lexa said honestly with a small shrug “I think we’d get a dog…”
“I picked you as more of a cat person” Clarke responded playfully, clearing her throat painfully
“Nope, definitely a dog person” Lexa said as she tried to continue her charade of being okay or at the very least brave when all she wanted to do was crumble; having to exhale deeply before she could continue “As I said, we would have a dog and maybe live somewhere near the beach. You could either be a doctor or you could go back to teaching art. Maybe we could get a boat or something, there has to be a heap of boats left behind by people who didn’t make it; I don’t know, the options are endless”
“That would have been nice” Clarke whispered with a nod “I would have loved that”
“Me too” Lexa said in a sobered tone “That would have been really nice”
“Just don’t give up, okay?” Clarke asked softly “You have to pick yourself after this and keep taking it one day at a time”
“It’s not that easy”
“I know, and I know it’s difficult because I kind of just wanted to give up when we found The Ark in the state that it was but I couldn’t” Clarke responded with a shake of her head “And I know that was because I had you but other people needed me too. The people outside the door, who you fight so hard for are going to need you. You’re stronger than anyone I know and I love you for that”
“I love you too”
Lexa couldn’t say another word, all she could do was shake her head silently as she bit down on the side of her cheek to stop herself from completely just letting herself go. She couldn’t lie to Clarke and she couldn’t lie to herself to try and think she was going to survive without the other girl any longer; she relied on her far too much and it would cut to deep for her to be able to push through after everything else they had experienced. Lexa didn’t want to die, she didn’t want to end her survival and she didn’t want to let anyone down but she just wasn’t sure how she would continue without the blonde next to her any longer. It would be too much, she had already passed her limits but was holding on because Clarke made her life bearable and without her she didn’t see much point to continuing if everything was going to end like that. Truthfully Lexa was afraid of dying, she didn’t know what happened once you passed but she feared being the one left behind the most; she feared being left alone in the world and having to watch the people she loved suffer.
Lexa sat with Clarke for what felt like a lifetime inside that room; there were no windows, there was no clock so she was unsure as to how long she had been in there for when the silence took over her and the brunette’s eyes closed. She wasn’t sure how she even managed to fall asleep, it certainly wasn’t on purpose but the blonde had drifted off; still breathing as Lexa checked numerous time but it turns out the impending doom makes someone extremely tired.
For the first time in a very long time Lexa slept without any dreams, maybe it was because her mind was so full that it couldn’t possibly squeeze something else inside her brain or maybe it was because she just felt so numb with everything going on but she knew it had everything to do with the fact that she was next to the blonde. She knew that it had everything to do with the fact that she was with the person she was supposed to be at that time and they were where they were supposed to be; she just didn’t understand why Clarke was in that situation when she really thought she had more time with the blonde.
She knew she was foolish for thinking that, she had never gone along with that frame of mind before; that she was guaranteed time but with Clarke she felt as if she deserved that time having only known the other girl for just over a year. Lexa had long ago realised that she wasn’t concerned with where she ended up; but it just mattered that her squad was with her and Clarke was by her side. That was partially one of the reasons why she agreed to go to DC and stay in DC; not only because of the rebuild but also because she was going to need to go wherever they went.
The way she figured it, everything that had happened to Clarke from the point of when they had met to that moment in that very room was her fault. Lexa was the one who ultimately agreed with her squad’s original decision to go to Dante Wallace’s compound where they had found the information for the vaccine, she was the one who had connections with Anya and that was how they ultimately found out about Washington’s rebuild. Clarke had become the most important member of her squad and as a good squad leader; she had to take responsibility for everything that had happened and how they ended up in that room was no exception.
The soldier knew deep down that whilst she had been foolish for thinking that she had more time with Clarke, she wondered how she let herself pull her guard down for the blonde in the first place. She could never put her finger on the exact moment she had decided to be what she considered to be reckless and let someone else into her heart knowing that one day it was more than likely going to be the one thing that completely destroyed her.
She opened here eyes slowly as she felt a slight movement against her shoulder, turning her head to glance at the blonde woman next to her. Her body had grown limp, her chest was impossibly still and the furnace like heat that was radiating from her skin had completely cooled to the point that Lexa knew she had lost the woman she loved. Lexa moved quickly from Clarke’s side to kneel in front of the blonde, using one arm to grip her waist and the other to check her pulse and feeling her stomach churn violently as she confirmed what she had suspected. Lexa pulled her trembling hand away from Clarke’s neck, reaching reluctantly to push a matted clump of blonde hair away from her face as she felt her vision blur and her throat burn as a lump quickly formed.
What bothered Lexa the most was the fact that Clarke didn’t look peaceful like the blonde deserved to be in her death; Clarke was trialling the vaccine to regain dignity for the human race when it came time for their lives to be over and it pained Lexa to know that she wasn’t able to do so herself. Her skin had turned a pale shade of yellow and blood had soaked through the bandage of her arm, though the still expression on the blonde’s face brought Lexa some relief to know that Clarke could no longer feel the pain she had been experiencing after the bite any longer.
The Commander shut her eyes tightly, unable to contain or stop a quiet whimper that left her mouth as she leaned in to place a lingering kiss on the now cool forehead of the woman she loved. Lexa knew it hadn’t hit her yet, she knew she was still in complete shock but as she felt her body begin to shake violently; she knew her mind was quickly coming to terms with the situation. Lexa had experienced this pain before, but the pain she felt for losing Clarke seemed to be magnified tenfold on what she had felt when Costia died. Maybe it was because she knew what was coming next, maybe it was because she had been broken down so many times and put back together since then but she didn’t remember feeling her whole world shattering as harshly as it was in that moment when the Costia died.
Lexa felt a jolt against her body, startling the brunette so much that she pushed herself backwards away from the blonde’s body; stumbling to create some space between herself and Clarke as she heard a guttural moan leave the back of her throat. Lexa quickly blinked away her tears quickly as the now infected version of Clarke’s eyes shot open; breaking Lexa to a point that even she didn’t know was possible. It pushed her to a point that she didn’t know she could go, it made her stomach churn to the point where she felt as if she was on fire and her limbs quickly became numb. What she saw in front of her shattered any remaining hope of rebuilding her life; the blonde eyes she had fallen so hard in love with were gone and were replaced by cloudy mix of black and grey, so vacant of any emotion.
“Clarke” Lexa spoke weakly, surprised that she could even form a single word as the infected locked eyes with the brunette “Clarke…”
The Commander struggled to gain traction against the tile floor, her limbs unable to heed the warning that her brain was giving to create more distance between herself and the infected. It’s teeth snapped harshly as it eyed Lexa hungrily whilst it slowly crawled towards the soldier. Lexa managed to push her body up against the wall, using it for support so she could regain her balance and stand shakily to her feet. Her knees feeling as if they were going to buckle at any moment as she watched the infected version of the woman she loved move towards her, remembering exactly what happened to the soldier she had been with whilst they were on patrol only hours ago. She understood why he tried to reason with the infected, she understood why he didn’t want to hurt his ex girlfriend but what she understood the most was the pain he must have felt when she was put down.
Her trembling hand moved to her belt, pulling her hunting knife from her sheath and wondering whether she was actually going to be able to put the infected in front of her down or whether she was just going to end up being eaten alive by the shell of what she believed to be her soulmate. The infected managed to push itself to it’s feet and growled towards Lexa as the brunette quickly ducked out of it’s way in the small room, rushing to the other corner.
She had a flashback of when she tried to run from Indra after she had been turned into an infected, remembering the completely hollow feeling that she succumbed to once she had ended the short lifespan of Indra’s regenerated self. Lexa wasn’t sure how she was going to take the hunting knife and harm the body that she so delicately handled when Clarke was alive; afraid that what she saw in front of her was going to haunt her to the point that she wouldn’t be able to remember anything else about the blonde but what was happening in that moment. The infected turned around quickly, taking a few big strides towards Lexa but she ducked it’s attempts to grab her. She pushed it against the wall with it’s arms pinned in between the wall and it’s body whilst using her arm without the knife to try and hold the infected still.
She felt her lower lip tremble as she raised her unsteady hand, her fingers tingling uncomfortably as she tried to keep a tight enough grip on the hunting knife in order to do what she promised Clarke she would. She swallowed thickly as the infected struggled violently against her, pushing her own devastation aside for just one moment as she tried to give Clarke the last bit of dignity she deserved in death; as she tried to give her some peace that death was supposed to bring. Gritting her teeth as she numbed herself completely and quickly pushed the hunting knife into the infected’s temple. Much like Indra, the struggling stopped as soon as she did so and the body went limp but Lexa didn’t let Clarke’s body fall; she quickly dropped the hunting knife to the ground and grabbed the blonde’s now still body as it fell and feeling her knees almost giving out beneath her.
Lexa gripped Clarke’s still body against her, unable to feel or process anything as her eyes vacantly looked straight ahead at a point on the wall opposite to where she was now sitting. Everything within her was broken, every inch of her body ached as she looked down to the now dead infected covering her lap. She felt a strange moment of complete ease, knowing that she had done what she had promised Clarke; knowing that the next choice that she was going to make would be hers and hers alone. Lexa knew that she was never in control of what happened in the post-apocalyptic world, very aware that they were simply living in the infected’s world and having to react to situations rather than being able to be in control of their own destiny. In that very moment Lexa felt peace in the fact that the next thing that happened was her choice; nothing or no one was pushing her to make the next decision and she was going to be one of the lucky ones who was able to decide her own fate.
She looked down at Clarke’s body, unable to look the now dead infected in the eyes; unable to accept that the blue eyes she so adored were no longer shining at her. She rested her head against the wall, shutting her eyes tightly as she felt tears flow freely down her cheeks and her body shake violently. The brunette brought a hand up to cover her mouth, trapping any sounds of a whimper under the palm as the realization of what had just happened hit her suddenly. It wasn’t lost on her at all that she had started the morning with Clarke in her arms and would end her last day with the body of the blonde within her tight grip.
Lexa didn’t want to make too much noise, she didn’t want to alert whoever was waiting outside the door of anything that they might already suspect because she knew they were going to try and stop her from doing what she knew she was going to have to do. She wanted to be able to make a final choice in her life to go out a way she wanted to, she didn’t want to die; Lexa was afraid of what was waiting for her on the other side but the fact that she didn’t want to live in the messed up, horrifying world without Clarke far outweighed her depleted will to live. She tried to steady herself as she inhaled deeply before exhaling slowly, moving her hand from her mouth to reach for the handle of her pistol that was sitting loosely in it’s holster. She swallowed down the lump that filled her throat as she gripped her fingers around her gun, pulling it slowly from her belt and holding it to rest against the ground next to her.
Lexa knew what she was doing was weak, it was easier for her to end her life than try to rebuild without the woman she loved but she didn’t see the point. She didn’t see the point in surviving when she didn’t want to, she didn’t want to fight when she had no fight left inside of her. She knew that somewhere Clarke was watching over her and was talking furiously at her whilst she watched Lexa contemplate her next move. Lexa understood why her Captain did what he did in that grocery store, she understood why the soldier outside the compound ended his life when he saw someone he loved turned into an infected. The brunette had been through so much and had lost even more because of the world they were living in; knowing that it was never going to end and there was no turning back.
She wanted to be around for the successful implementation of the vaccine, she wanted to be around for the rest of the rebuild but she didn’t want to have to deal with the unbearable pain nor the hollow feeling deep within her chest that she knew she would never shake. Lexa was grateful for the time Clarke had given her, she was thankful to whomever sent the blonde art teacher into her life and knew she was only still alive because Clarke had given herself something else to survive for. It pained her to think of what she was going to leave behind; knowing that she was going to break Echo and Lincoln’s heart beyond anything she could comprehend at that point but she just didn’t see reason enough for her to continue through the sheer pain she was experiencing. She knew her squad would hurt and they were going to miss her; she knew that they were going to be angry with her but she also knew that in some way they would understand why she was about to do what she was going to.
With her hand still trembling erratically, she brought the barrel of the pistol to her temple; hearing her racing heartbeat echo through her ears as she inhaled and exhaled slowly. She felt the impossibly cool metal of the pistol against her temple, a chill ripping through her body as she bit down on her cheek gently to try and control her emotions that she had tucked away for so long.
Lexa took a moment to silently apologise to anyone she had let down or anyone she was going to let down by taking the action she was about to; hoping that she would see those she had lost in another life. She pushed away the haunting feeling that everything she had experienced now lead to nothing seeing as she was about to end her own life but she couldn’t see any other way around it and even if she could; there was no possible way that she could move on from what she had just experienced. There was no way she was going to be able to rebuild from that point and have any kind of life that was worth living.
She had fought hard for everything she had, she had battled for the people she had loved; she had spent so long making decisions in order to benefit the people she was leading and now she was making a decision for herself. Lexa wasn’t aware just how much both her and Clarke’s loss was going to shake Fort Wood’s to it’s core but she did know that she was leaving it in good hands and the people who were still around would pick up from where she left.
With one last deep and burning inhale she tightened her grip on the gun, squeezing the trigger as the loud echo of a single gunshot ripped through the halls of the makeshift hospital in the middle of the night. Lexa had survived 1133 days of the world altering outbreak, having nothing else left to give she decided that she could fight on no more. Though she left any loved ones she had remaining behind and they would suffer with the combined loss of both girls within a matter of minutes; Lexa could finally rest and find peace with everything she had been through knowing that any trials she may have suffered during the outbreak were over.
With that single hollow, haunting pull of the trigger; her fight was over.
Days Since Outbreak: 1133
Survivors: Lincoln, Echo, Raven, Bellamy, Octavia, Jasper and Monty
Location : Fort Woods, Washington DC