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Two Hearts Broke, Four Hands Bloody

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Kit hates this. He’s crouched down on a Los Angeles rooftop on patrol with Ty fucking Blackthorn of all people. And neither of them are doing a good job of watching for demons at that. They’re both too busy not watching each other. 


“The fuck is that?” Kit asks when Ty pulls a weird looking device out of his pocket. 


“Modified sensor.” Ty doesn’t look at him, and Kit can’t tell if Ty’s actually avoiding him, or if it’s because he doesn’t like eye contact. “Anush helped me make it.” 


“One of those shitty little stuck up centurions?” 


Ty frowns at him. “He’s a centurion, but he’s not stuck up. He’s my boyfriend.”


And fuck if that isn’t a punch to the gut. Kit doesn’t know why. He has a girlfriend and he’s happy with her. He really likes Mari, thinks he’ll even love her one day. The day grey eyes and thick eyelashes and dazzling smiles stop haunting his dreams. Why should he begrudge Ty the chance at happiness when he’s already taken his own?


But none of that stops this feeling. Like someone grabbed his throat and shoved him under water. Like he’s screaming and thrashing and begging for air but at the same time his body is too heavy to move. 


“Oh,” he chokes out. His heart is beating in his ears. Enough, he thinks. You’re not a pathetic teen boy who would do anything for his smile anymore. He ignores his mind’s small echo of Aren’t you? “As long as he’s not as much of an asshole as those Cohort bastards, I guess.”


“Of course he’s not.” Ty looks at him. It’s his analyzing gaze, searching Kit, spreading him out with little pins and poking at his heart. “You never cursed this much before.”


“Yeah, well I guess a lot of things were fucking different back then, weren’t they?” Kit snaps and he can’t stop the anger in his voice. Logically, he knows he’s more angry at himself than Ty but he can’t bring himself to care at the moment. Ty used him and broke his heart so yeah, he’s fucking angry.


Ty snaps back. “Why do you hate me so much?” his voice cracks, a hint of desperation seeping through, but Kit ignores it. 


“You really have to ask?” A crazy laugh forces itself out of Kit’s throat. “Do you remember none of the shit you did?”


“Of course I do!” Ty shouts, “But you did it with me! And it turned out good in the end!”


“Turned out good? You two are tied together, Ty. She’s not even fully alive but you can’t even be apart from her without passing out!” Kit can’t stop the words anymore. He knew they would have to talk about what they did eventually, and he guesses now is as good a time as any. “She’s hurting you! You’re hurting each other!” 


“Livvy would never hurt me. You hurt me.” 


“Oh you’re hurt?” Kit laughs again. He’s not sure what he’s doing, he’s not sure what he’s saying but he knows he’s fucking mad. “How the fuck do you think I feel? You used me! You knew I could never say no to you so you dragged me along to commit necromancy behind your family’s back, and I can’t believe I let you.”


“How could you think I was using you? I asked you to do it and you said yes! We were doing it for Livvy!” 


Kit growls. “I was doing it for you! I loved Livvy too, but she died and you should have accepted that. I did it because you made me think we were friends. Because I thought you cared about me.”


Ty stares at him in a combination of surprise, confusion, and disgust. “I did care about you! Other than Livvy, you were the best friend I’d ever had!”


Kit can feel the hot tears rolling down his cheeks but he doesn’t move to stop them, just yells back. “Other than Livvy! I’ll always be other than Livvy to you, won’t I? ‘There’s nothing if you aren’t there.’ You told me exactly how much you cared about me back at that lake.”


Ty grabs Kit by the shirt collar and pulls him close. “The way I felt about you was nothing like how I felt about Livvy,” he growls, and suddenly Kit can’t look away from his lips. Until Ty shoves him away and says, “And how can you talk like that? You never cared about me! You lied to me just like everyone else did. You said ‘to never being parted’ and then you left! You left me just like Livvy did! You told me you wished we never met.” 


“Of course I wish we never met! Maybe then I could go to sleep without your face haunting my dreams! Maybe then I could kiss my fucking girlfriend without wishing it was you!” Kit’s sobbing now, tears pouring down his face as he screams. He’s never even admitted that to himself before. 


Ty’s eyes widen in shock just like they did all those years ago when Kit shouted that he loved him. And just like then, Ty’s silent. 


“By the angel,” Kit sighs, and he’s not shouting anymore, just talking, broken and desperate. "Jem told me, when he was talking about my fucking ancestors, he said ‘Herondales love but once’ so I guess that's it. I guess you're it for me and I'll never stop loving you and I'll never love anyone else but that doesn't mean I'm not fucking pissed. I'm fucking pissed that you used me and broke my heart and I'm pissed that I let you. I would have torn my own heart into a million pieces over and over again the second you asked me to. Hell, I can’t ignore it anymore, I still fucking would! You could tell me to kill myself and I'd do it happily, without hesitation, just to see you smile one last time before I died." He’s breathing hard and he’s sure his face is puffy and red from crying, but Ty’s isn’t any better. “I still love you. I never stopped and I never will. So yeah, don’t ever accuse me of not caring when I told you exactly how much I cared and you tossed it aside like it was nothing.” 


Ty’s still staring at him, tears falling down his face in silence. 


“I just bared my fucking soul for you, Ty, you gonna say anything?” Kit snarls. 


And then Ty snaps. “Do you honestly think I didn’t love you too? All the times I talked about Sherlock Holmes with you, called you Watson, told you about different animals? What was that if not love?”


Kit remembers something then, something that his friend with ADHD back in Cornwall had said once, after spending fifteen minutes carefully explaining the Ancient Roman water culture. ‘Infodumping is the ultimate neurodivergent love language,’ they had said with a laugh. ‘If a neurodivergent person shares their hyperfixation or special interest with you, that’s like, fourth base.’ 


“I was in love with you that whole fucking time and I thought you knew. Everyone else can just tell how people are feeling without it being said out loud and you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met so I thought you knew! And how was I supposed to know how you felt? You told me you loved me once while I was in the middle of a necromantic ritual and the next day you refused to talk to me and then Jules and Emma turned into nephilim and we fought a battle and when I finally thought I would be able to see you again you’d gone off to Cornwall with Jem and Tessa, and Magnus told me you left because of me. I thought you had lied, that you were just doing anything to stop me from raising Livvy.” 


Kit can barely speak. He’s back in the water again with that hand around his throat, squeezing tighter and tighter. His voice comes out as quiet and shattered as he feels. “I loved you so much that I couldn’t bear to be near you when I thought you had never cared about me.” 


“I wanted to talk to you,” Ty says desperately. “I wanted to explain, but you left me.” 


“Well, I have Mari. And you have Anush. So I guess it worked out in the end.” 


Ty looked at him in confusion, “You just said you could never love her.”


“I will.” He would. He loves Mari, and she deserves so much more than a shattered mess who could never get over his first love. “I know I will. I’ll make myself forget you.”


He turns away then, wishing he couldn’t hear Ty’s small, choked sob.