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I should have known

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Sitting in the classroom, he looked out the lonely windows, tears stream down his pale face, the colour of the dying sun shining on his face. He likes the warmth of the sun, nice and tender feels just right on his skin. But the warmth of the sun can't help him today, because the sunshine of his life had just switched off its lights and left him in the dark.

His vision is blurred, hands shaking, fingers twitching slightly. He felt pain, pain like never before, how did it hurt that badly? His head hurt, it felt dizzy and foggy, his heart throbbed, it's not like the times when he had an attack. It is a constant pain which only leaves him with an empty feeling, it felt so empty inside him.

It was strange, of how fast Shintaro accepted his confession. He should have known the meaning behind the weird looks he gave him, the uncomfortable space between them even after they are official, the slight jolt in his hand when he tried to reach out. It was all a lie, lie, lie lie lie.

Choosing the assumed perfect time, Haruka dragged Shintaro back into his classroom, hoping that his impulse got the better of him so that he'd finally confessed his feelings. His feeling which he had kept for so long, too long, he wanted him, he needed him, he craved for Shintaro. It is unhealthy for his heart, for his fragile little heart which might stop any moment now due to a sickness which had doctors apologize over and over again. He needed to tell him before it's too late, he wanted to experience it, he wanted to have him for himself.
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Footsteps sounded just around the corridor, haruka quickly wiped the tears out of his face, frantically take his sketchbook out of his bag and place it on his table, taking tissue out from the package and cover his nose.

The door opened, it's just Kenjirou, He might be back for his books or even his house keys just like he always does. " ah? Its late! Why are you still here?" A glance at the object on the table "are you still drawing? "

Faking a loud sneeze, he cleared his nose and throat before talking. "Ugh, yeah. I wanted to finished before I go back."

"oh my, having a cold in the middle of summer?"

" yeah." The acting covered up his crying and all he had to do next is try to act sick for the next few days. He can't just have a cold and be alright the next day after all.

Looking at Kenjirou who bent down on his table, the sound of keys jingling soon echo around the room, "well go home and rest soon, you should take care of yourself more."

"okay teacher! " watching as Kenjirou left, he silently thank the years of acting had put up to use today. It is not a time to stay at school anymore, but he didn't want to go back home. Home reminds him of Shintaro, the time when he finally agreed to take Haruka to his house and tell his mom about them. He remembered it as clear as it was still yesterday.

"are you sure you don't want to wait a bit longer before telling my mom about us?" Shintaro asked, obviously nervous.

"yeah, you can't just keep it a secret from your mother. Come on, she's your mom, she can accept us." Haruka shined his puppy eyes at the other, trying to gain the approval he desperately wanted.

" um..... okay fine. " Haruka gave shintaro a big hug, kissing his face several times before holding his hand and looking at shintaro one last time before opening the door and enter the kisaragi's house, feeling confuse of the slight twitch and shiver he feel on his partner but he just shrug it off as being nervous about the big news.

The whole day has been surprisingly normal, Shintaro's mom accepted the fact and tried to make Haruka feel at home despite the look of confusion and probably despair on her face.

Haruka felt sorry for Shintaro, honestly. He confessed to him out of nowhere and he have always tried to speed things up between them. He thought that he might have been unfair to his lover, Shintaro had not once refuse a single request he'd asked of him. Feeling guilty, he walked up stairs to his lovers room so he'd made things up with him. Maybe they could go somewhere and do something Shintaro prefers, they could even do something dangerous as long as Shintaro wants to.

Ah, they're talking.

" I don't swing that way mom."


"Why didnt I know about this?"


" I never knew you were gay."

I knew it. But she would accept us after a while.

"I told you mom I'm not gay!"


"Then can you please explain your lover outside, which is obviously a male?"

"Its just for show mom, he is sick and Ayano wanted me to be nice to him when she overheard his confession."


"Is this really necessary son?"

"Ayano said that he doesn't have all of the time in the world so she wanted me to make him happy."

"Is it really bad?"

"he had been fine lately but what she said was true and I thought about it. He is my friend and he's nice so I wanted to do something for him."


Cruel lies

He remembered how he opened the door, the shocked faces of both of them, especially Shintaro's. He remembered every word he said, about how he apologize for dragging her son to this silly love game and worrying her for nothing. He also remembered the slight relief, fear and intense guilt on Shintaro's face when he said that they would no longer be together from that day onwards. They would continue their lives as if nothing happened and he is not going to touch Shintaro like he did for the last few weeks.

He left immediately

They do spend their days like nothing happened, the only thing different is the significant hike of nervousness in ayano's tone when she talk to him, more careful and tense than ever and how Shintaro will look away as much as possible, argue with Takane whenever he can, most probably as a distraction from his guilt.

His heart still throb a lot and it looks like it's not going to go away any time soon. Haruka started cleaning up his place and decided it's time to go home. Opening his sketchbook and stared at the drawing he had when they were having a small picnic at the park. Shintaro who had a little smile hanging on his face that day, the shintaro who didn't know about his interest, the shintaro who was careless with his words and looked him straight in the eye without hesitation.

It hurts

It really does

I wanted too much

I never should have asked

He closes his sketchbook and started acting cheerful, letting it mask the waterfall inside his heart.