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CT-5555's 55 Rules to the Clone Wars

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1. Don’t ask General Kenobi about the Force. It hurts your brain.

2. Don’t ask General Skywalker about the Force. It hurts his brain.

3. Don’t ask Commander Tano about the Force. She will ask Kenobi or Skywalker.

4. It’s always a good idea to stay behind the lightsaber. 5. Battle Droids must be referred to as “Clanka”

6. Appropriate substitutes also include “You bucket of bolts”, “Scrapheap”, and “Tin can” 7. The 501st is cooler than the 212th.

8. Count Dooku’s nickname is “Count Doodoo”

9. “Blue and green, they’re on the team” does not apply to General Grievous

10. Ventress and Kenobi flirt while trying to kill each other.

11. Ventress and Skywalker sometimes flirt while trying to kill each other.

12. To date, nobody has seen Ventress and Tano flirting while trying to kill each other.

13. Ventress’ nickname is “Baldy”

14. Chancellor Palpatine is nice.

15. Revision to rule 14: Chancellor Palpatine is weirdly nice.

16. Everyone knows General Skywalker and Senator Amidala are dating.

17. Do not talk about everyone knowing Skywalker and Amidala are dating.

18. No Sabacc when Admiral Yularen may walk in.

19. No swearing when Admiral Yularen may hear you.

20. Mando’a curses are the best curses (See hut’uun, laandur, shabuir, aruetii, and besom)

21. Don’t clean your armor obsessively- Don’t want to be thought a Shiny

22. Remember your time as a Shiny well- then treat the new Shinies with the same teasing

23. Shore leave does not mean leaving to see an actual shore. Tease Shinies by making them think it does.

24. Don’t talk to General Skywalker about sand.

25. NEVER try to take General Skywalker to a beach.

26. Don’t get sand in your armor. It doesn’t get out.

27. Second revision to rule 14: Chancellor Palpatine is too nice to be a normal person.

28. There are always things to tease Jedi about.

29. Help General Skywalker tease Kenobi about “that business on Cato Neimoidia”

30. Tease Commander Tano about Lux Bonteri, Kid Senator and Rebel Extraordinaire

31. Tease General Skywalker about when he and Commander Tano first met - “Skyguy”

32. Revision to rule 28: General Windu does not have anything to be teased about.

33. Don’t ask General Windu about the Force. He just looks at you.

34. Don’t ask General Yoda about the Force. I’m pretty sure the answer would make sense, but you need to understand Yoda in the first place.

35. Don’t ask General Koon about the Force. He says “one must discover that for themselves.”

36. Be overprotective of your Jedi. They make no sense, but they’re yours.

37. When fighting a B2, bring a Jedi.

38. If you have no Jedi available when fighting a B2, you have 3 options:

          -Shoot for the eye (Trust me, it works)

          -Bring shock grenades

          -Run for the hills

39. Clone Commandos make everything easier.

40. Clone Commandos can take on a Spider Droid. You cannot. You need a walker for that.


42. Third revision to rule 14: Chancellor Palpatine is nicer than Senator Amidala. Nobody is nicer than Senator Amidala. Chancellor Palpatine = Senator Amidala confirmed?

43. Don’t let Quinlan Vos near your things.

44. Stun tag is only technically illegal.

45. Droids’ strength is in numbers. That makes their small patrols an incredibly stupid idea.

46. Despite what General Skywalker says, spinning is not a good trick. It makes you dizzy and messes up your aim.

47. If General Skywalker spins you, have some of General Kenobi’s tea. He says it’s good for inner balance.

48. General Kenobi’s tea is not good for balance. It’s a sedative.

49. The only music played in the 501st is jizz music.

50. General Junda is telling us that we also need to know some battle hymns. That’s actually fair.

51. Turns out that the GAR has a theme song. It’s awesome.

52. Listen to General Junda for music advice.

53. Senator Amidala’s uncle is not an actual relative.

54. Jesse is not allowed to imagine what a Nubian/Rodian relationship would be like.

55. Final revision to rule 14: Palpatine is far too kriffin nice. I don’t know what krayt spit he’s trying to sell, but the Alor is definitely an aruetii.