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Agent A̷n̷y̷a̷ P. Newts

M̷i̷s̷h̷u̷n̷ Mission Report: 17 Septemboor 1963.

Target: A building in Ostania. One with people in it.

Goal: Peanuts, probably.

Lemon-A1D presents



Agent P. Newts disembarks her vehicle- with extreme coolness, importantly. As she completes that half of the mission, she finds herself face to face with her latest assignment:

The apartment complex of one Mr. L̷o̷i̷d̷ Floyd Forger, a spy…chiatrist currently operating out in a neighborhood in Ostania cohabiting with his wife, an assass- clerk, Yor… Yorticia Forger.

…and a vile dog. A̷n̷d̷ ̷a̷ ̷d̷a̷u̷g̷h̷t̷e̷r̷

The agent's mission, as she has chosen to accept it, is to…


Why is a spy invading some innocuous citizen's abode? It's entirely possible this part of the mission was not elaborated on, or Agent P. Newts was not paying attention to her briefing.

Or possibly not aware that there was a briefing to begin with-

But that's not important; she's the most celebrated spy of her organization! That organization being… Eden… Eden Organization.



She has a mishun to accomplish, and that's all that matters. Which means Mr. Forger probably works for the League of Evil! He probably did something to the entire world's peanut supply! Maybe he helped implement a hefty peanut embargo? Definitely.


The agent inhales and exhales slowly, remembering the moment as her mother taught her when throwing her first punch:

Always remember to breathe properly! Before action, during action, and after!


On her last exhale, Agent P. Newts dashes into the building, beginning the infiltration of her target location. Her head swivels around to survey her landscape; sneaking into enemy territory was risky, after all, and could only be successfully done by a patient and watchful operative. The evildoers were ill-fated, for she was the best.

And speaking of evildoers… Agent P. Newts had spotted some t̷r̷a̷s̷h̷ ̷c̷a̷n̷ ̷a̷n̷d̷ ̷a̷s̷h̷t̷r̷a̷y̷ Baddie #1 and #2. Only villains name themselves like that! Or so A̷n̷y̷a̷ the agent had thought.

[How do I get the sneaky on them? Hmmm…]

Racking her brain, she had come up with a brilliant idea. Using some paper that had not at all come from a certain child drawing Spy Wars scenes during her class, the agent decided this was a good opportunity for some misdirection. Agent P. Newts crumpled it up into a ball and aimed carefully.

"Behold my new gadget hehehe, heyah!"

The paper ball gadget was then tossed to the far left of Baddie #1.



"He's distracted!"

The agent silently congratulated herself and took this opportunity to make a break deeper into enemy lines. Her little footsteps echoed across the halls as she came to the wall perpendicular to the staircase. Though before she was to begin climbing up, she heard footsteps.


"The neighbors- I mean the… evil spies!"


Unfortunately, the evil spies were participating in their usual patrol, in a particularly dastardly and very evil-y manner, of course.


"Ohh, the Forger's little kid!" The ̷m̷a̷l̷e̷ ̷n̷e̷i̷g̷h̷b̷o̷r̷ spy announced to his compatriot, his very evil not-wife spy. "Anya, was it?"

Gah! Agent P Newt's heart thumped intensely, as if witnessing the result of her mother's attempt at cooking.


"Ohhh that's her alright;" The wife-spy smiled and lowered her level to meet the agent's eyes. "Did you just come home from school?"

[Spy Rule number 10000000000000: Disguise!]

Thinking quick on her feet, the agent coughed twice into her hand and straightened her back, puffing her chest out and sticking her heels together.


"Y-Yes… Evil Spy P. Newts, r-repoorteeng for dooty."


The neighbors cocked their heads to the side, like stray cats observing a territorial dispute.


"I am… an evil spy… doing my… evil league job."


Ehh… The wife thought. Something tells me she shouldn't be making these kinds of jokes in this climate…

[I can't joke in this klimayte? Is it too cold?]

Also, what kind of spy tells someone they're a spy?




[An evil one.]



"Listen, Anya…" The wife forced a smile onto her strained expression. "Maybe try to pretend to play as a princess from now on."

"Someone might… someone might get the wrong idea and approach you."

The man tugged at his collar. The Secret Police wouldn't arrest a little girl under suspicions of espionage, right? Right?!

"Anya's getting arrested?!"


Anya's eyes widened to a frightening degree as her limbs froze up.

What… Is this what Papa feels everyday?


"No no! Not at all, haha! Just… be careful who you say these things around, okay? We wanna keep things peaceful, y'know…"
"Papa and Mama are fine with it though…"
"Okay then… I guess that's fine…"


The couple started moving on, evidently looking a little paranoid as their heads swerved left and right.


"B-Bye bye, Anya!"



[Toast- COAST is clear…]

Agent P. Newts then dashed up the stairs, making up for the valuable time she lost blending in. Her legs brought her across one flight of stairs, then two…

Then three…



"Bah! Hah… hah…"


Agent P. Newts slowed down as she climbed up the final flight of stairs and bent over, placing her hands on her knees as she began to gather her breath heavily.

[They… they swallowed all the air to make it hard for me to breathe! So evil!]


As Agent P. Newts looked up, she spotted a door at the end of the corridor with a number she was familiar with.

But the door… that's the door Agent P. Newts needs; nice!

With a ferocious burst of newfound resolve, the agent walked up to the door and confirmed her approach.


[Does the spy-chiatrist have booby traps? Doggies? Pokey Sticks? Pistols? Pistols with Silencers?!]

"I need to be careful!"


Agent P. Newts gently opened the doorknob, trying her hardest not to let a single decibel ooze from the creaking metal.

"Closing… the door…click!"

[Infultrashyon… complete. Heh. I am the greatest spy in the world!]

Agent P. Newts pulled out her silenced pistol; the darling of her organization's tech-wizardry. The public's funds have never been put to greater use for this secret war;


The finger gun.


The agent stealthily pointed the gun across the room, sweeping it for threats like her mentor Bondman would.


[Secret camera?!]

"Pew pew pew- lights?!"


P. Newts crawled on the ground to avoid the roaming spotlight coming from… the window and its half-parted blinds.


"Bork bork!"


Quicker than she could possibly react, Agent P. Newts was overwhelmed by a massive white ball of fur jumping onto her and knocking her to the ground.

"Be-begone, stinky attack doggy- awwaaw!"

Sadly, the attack doggy's offensive force was too much for the little agent to overpower as it continued to lick her face.


"S-Save me… Bondman!"
"Hm? Oh, you're here. Welcome home, Anya."


The white doggy relented his assault and retreated to the source of the voice. As Anya wiped her face on her sleeves and spat out any dog drool she felt she might've stored, she looked up and met the gaze of her father.


"Would you mind telling me what I was witnessing?"




Well, first of all… the front door is an exceptionally suboptimal entrance into this place if we're talking about purely sneaking in undetected without the aid of an alibi or relation to the owner. The front door produces too much risk of noise and it's located in such an area that's easily detectable due to its position in relation to the building. Not to mention the giant window into the balcony poses a risk of being spotted from an external location, especially since the blinds are not in place… but that's probably not important for Anya to-

[Papa's roasting me…]


"Oh dear… welcome back, Anya!"


As Yor came into the scene, Anya walked over to her with her head held low, to which Mrs. Forger bent down and met her daughter at eye level.


"Mama… I failed."
"Eh? You did?"
"Failed a test?!"
"I'm getting fired…"
"You're getting fi- huh?"


Anya let loose a couple of crocodile tears as she began to explain herself, much to Yor's amusement.


"The world is going to explode now… all the peanuts are getting eaten by the League of Evil because I got caught by the doggy."

"Ah." Loid nodded. "I see."


Hmm… Yor thought. Someone did throw a can of peanuts at me once… and it did explode.

[Exploding peanuts?!]

It's a good thing I kicked it back at them before it did. Improvised explosive devices are really something…

[Mama made exploding peanuts…]


"Well…" Yor broke herself away from her strange intrusive thoughts and returned to earth with her distraught daughter. "The world will be fine, we still have some peanuts here after all!"

Yor smiled, brushing the unkempt parts of Anya's hair.

If only the world were that simple… She thought to herself, looking at her own hands and flexing them, as if staring at the callouses would mean something more. Peanuts bringing world peace…

If only.

[World peace? Mama too?]


"Here are your peanuts."

Anya swiped the bag greedily and giggled. Yor must have taken note of the brief period when Anya had spaced out. Her daughter took the bag from her hand and sat at the table with the stinky attack dog, Bond, following her. The presence of both seemed to have taken Anya's attention because kids were simple like that:

No complication, no mind paid to much else aside from the love they ought to receive and the love they express in return. Simply all as it should be.

Though as seems to be the theme for the Forgers, very little was all as it should be.

Hmmm… maybe I'm just imagining things? Yor thought, attempting to placate herself. I've barely known Anya for a couple of months, so maybe this is just how she is at times? I'd rather not ask…


"How was your day, Anya?" Loid prompted from the kitchen, looking down as he was chopping some vegetables. "Were you nice? Any new friends?"

"It's okay." Anya continued, chewing on her snacks continuously.

Keeping a daily update of her relationship with the Desmond heir is paramount to Operation Strix's success. I can't be there in Eden constantly, so this is probably the best thing I can do everyday unless some free time opens up where I can potentially set up more situations to bring Anya closer to him. Nothing brings more anxiety to me than a situation that is outside of my control, or one that is reliant on civilians.

In comparison to every other endeavor in espionage that I've heard of, Operation Strix truly is an oddity in that its success hinges on non-agents, possibly even ones that do not share the same worldview.

I suppose this just demonstrates the delicate balance that barely manages to hold these two countries from turning this cold war hot; one man and his political party potentially hold the power over destruction and war-

[Papa's thinking scary things again…]

One of the many drawbacks to telepathy aside from difficulties in crowds and a rather rough upbringing from questionable people, was the fact that she could not properly manage to filter any of the thoughts she came across. The television set didn't have any thoughts to read, aside from being the thing that delivers Spy Wars right to her household, and so it was a safe space to attach her attention to.

Anya loved her father, but sometimes it was just hard to be around his head. At first, hearing all the spy jargon and missions reeked of a cool cartoon plotline that she couldn't get enough of. Though she quickly learned that Loid had plenty of other thoughts coexisting on top of the espionage; economies, ambassadors, peace talks, international government collusion, war entrepreneurship, organized crime, corruption, propaganda, paranoia, public relations, and other terms that confused Anya.

All she knew was that these things stood in the way of world peace; Papa's always thinking about it so it must be true, Mama just thought of it earlier so there must be a problem. Anya wasn't allowed to play because the scientists wanted her to use her powers for world peace, she got kidnapped twice already, witnessed and helped thwart a terrorist attack, so clearly there's something wrong going on in the world. Why do people want to even kidnap a child? Why do they want to keep fighting? Why do they say bad things about Westalis? Why are kids the ones fighting for world peace?

[World peace is cool, but… Anya likes playing too…]

"Are you getting along with Damian?"

Loid sat down opposite Anya as he flipped open a newspaper.

"Anya's okay with him too."

"Okay?" Loid excitedly perked up, his eyes displaying a bit more life. "What did you two say?"

"I said he is a shithead-"

In what world is that just okay? Also who taught her that?!


Both parents' eyes and ears widened. As expected, their lips soon followed their barely-concealed parental instincts. Loid was just this close to feeling like his stomach acid was about to eat through his gut.


"He called my legs short first! A-And he made fun of Papa and Mama…"


Yor looked at Loid as she walked over from the kitchen with a face that called for sympathy towards their daughter. Loid sighed and put down his newspaper.

I guess it's a different story when he's the one who instigated.


"…Did Headmaster Henderson or any teachers hear you two?"
"I suppose that's fine then… but try not to do that again, okay?"
"But he was making fun of you! Saying we're poor and stuff… and you have dumb jobs."


Plenty of those Eden kids seem to be rather vicious, don't they? Yor sighed, but quickly put on her best motherly face.

"Anya, please look at us when you're talking."

She complied, finding some measure of comfort in her mother's gaze, devoid of judgment.


"It's fine that you get angry on our behalf, your friends, or yourself, but you can't get swept up in his insults."
"Whaddaya mean?"
"We're not poor, Anya. We live in a nice place, and our jobs are… extremely respectable."

Yor stuttered for a second before realizing playing it straight was better.

As respectable as… killing people can get.

[Mama's thinking about murder again!]


"Your Pap- L-Loid is a psychiatrist working in a nice hospital, and I'm doing well for myself too!"

Loid nodded in agreement.

"Damian doesn't understand what we're like; he's never been to our house nor has he met us personally. The things he tells you make no sense and are false. If a person says such things, then you know the things he says are just trying to make you mad and not based on anything substantial-"

"Papa is saying Damian's a shithead?"
"He- okay, who's teaching you these words? Is it Spy Wars?"

The comics definitely weren't like that, at least.

"Um, Loid? I'm fairly sure that's a show aimed at kids."
"This is the same show where someone gets tortured, and that person is shown to shoot others and be a womanizer."

Yor was about to open her mouth once more but found it being closed by her own finger.

That is strange… These are certainly interesting things to be showcasing kids. Why can you present all sorts of horrific crimes and behaviors on air but saying something naughty is where the line is drawn?

"So who taught you those words?"
"Uhh… no one…"

Anya twiddled her fingers and nervously chuckled.

"Was it Becky?"

I'm glad Anya has a friend who cares for her. Yor smiled hesitantly. I don't know that I vouch for what she's sharing with her, but I doubt she can afford to be picky with company in such a competitive environment.

Loid exhaled sharply, placing his thumb and index to his chin. "Well, just promise to me and your mother to never use that kind of language in front of adults, okay? You don't want the Headmaster to give you another bolt."


Perhaps it's preferable to play the long game when it comes to Anya's relationship with Damian. Judging by how he seems to constantly act as the instigator to their conflicts, it's possible he does not have an agreeable home situation; that kind of behavior and family dynamic isn't uncommon.

Regardless, perhaps some time apart can at least settle down their animosity and Anya can try to focus more on academics in the meantime. Becky Blackwell seems to keep Anya company anyway.

The three misfits share a smile as the father picks his newspaper up once more. Right as that happens though, Anya gets off her chair and scuttles over to her father and tugs at his trousers.


Perhaps the confusions lingering in Anya's mind would have to stay there for the foreseeable, for such questions would make her seem suspicious and even if she did ask, she might not understand. The world is scary, that much is true, but after talking to her parents, for some reason it didn't seem to matter that much. Was it magic? Why did that happen? Whatever the case, it's not there; irrelevant. It doesn't matter, not now, maybe it will later.

"I want Papa to give me a hug."

But that's the thing. Not in this moment.


Loid returned a stare to Anya, blinking twice.



Physical affection is just another part of familial relation building, naturally…


[Papa's a tsundere.]


Loid got off his chair and swiftly opened himself up for Anya to embrace him, much to his light embarrassment.


Anya collided into his chest and giggled calmly.


"Carry me."


Loid obliged her daughter's request and effortlessly brought her up into the air, still clutching her while Anya secured herself.


So cute! Yor couldn't help but stifle a giggle. What a lovely pair.


Finding herself staring at the affection on display, she couldn't help but feel her heart soften as she recalled a similar sight from a time too long ago.



"Mama should hug us too!"
"Eh? M-Me?"
"Bork bork!"

Yor tensed up and at the same time, Bond tried to bark as he played around at Loid's feet first, seemingly trying to find his space in.

"W-Would that be fine? I don't want to intrude…"
"Mama, pleasseeeee~"

Yor quickly shot a glance over to her fake husband, who seemed as if he were attempting to steel his expression amidst a growing bashful blush, only keeping his peripherals trained on Yor as he unwittingly awaited her response to the situation.


'You are the mother of the Forger family.'

Loid's words echoed in her head.

Maybe even a strange woman such as myself is allowed this much; they trust me. As if I was truly the mother.



"A-Alright, then. I'm coming in…"

Try not to crunch too hard, Yor! We don't want a repeat of what happened to Yuri."



[Maybe Mama shouldn't hug.]

Yor tentatively approached her family, carefully attempting to find room for herself in this embrace. As she kept trying to figure her positioning out, more trouble began brewing.

This shouldn't be nerve-wracking. Loid thought to himself shamefully. It's just a hug with Anya, and… Yor.

Finally, the mother had given up and settled for the obvious choice and taking the side opposite her husband, against Anya's back. She wrapped her arms around Loid and he had done the same for her. Loid cradled his daughter around his arm and chest as his other arm tactfully reached around to meet Yor's body, ending up on the small of her bare back.

Oh! Yor stifled a gasp. That's… he doesn't need to know that, it's fine!

This is fine.

Loid closed his eyes.


"Papa and Mama are flirting."
"W-We're not!"


Despite the protesting, the Forgers remained in that embrace, two of whom were nervous to be in there but equally as hesitant to let this moment go. No amount of covert operations, politics or assassination could invade anyone's minds right now, because this was physical; invading their space and their minds.

It was real.



[Mama and Papa think of weird and scary things sometimes. But when they're like this it's nice.]


For a rare moment, Anya couldn't hear a single thought.