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the nectar of the gods

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It all starts with a kiss.

Well, ok, no, more like it all starts with a fuck. Though, really, who's to say when anything actually starts? Maybe it all started when the first troll spawned, or when the primordial rats that would one day evolve into humans first developed taste buds.

But you're getting way off track. The point is, you and Karkat were fucking.

Karkat still insists on jizzing into a pail and like ok you get why that's practical given his, uh, output, but it's kind of a pain to have to break away from the action and squat over a bucket. You think it'd be easier to just put down a tarp or something. But whatever, no big. At least by now, after a few hilariously awkward experiments with the logistics, you've figured out ways to keep the process participatory for the both of you despite your lack of tentajunk.

This time he's leaning against you with his bulge twined around your hand. You squeeze and massage it gently as he bucks in one of those long, rolling orgasms that trolls get. His genetic material pulses out between your fingers and splatters into the bucket. If you hadn't just come two minutes ago, spunk still oozing slowly down your belly, the sight of him coming apart like this would be enough to get you going again.

Finally, the last drops of Karkat's orgasm drip into the pail and he leans against you heavily, panting. You palm his face and pull him into a sloppy, sated kiss. He reciprocates contentedly, but then grimaces when he pulls away and realizes you got his jizz on his face.

KARKAT: UGH, WERE YOU RAISED BY AN OINKBEAST OR WHAT?
KARKAT: AT LEAST WIPE YOUR HAND BEFORE YOU PUT YOUR SLIMY FRONDS ALL OVER ME.
DAVE: what like this?

You drag your hand down his chest, leaving behind a streak of red, and he yelps and shoves you. You laugh and pull him back to press a teasing kiss to his cheek where your messy hand just was. He squirms away, huffing in exaggerated exasperation, and you stick your tongue out at him.

But when you pull your tongue back into your mouth, a shock of sweetness hits your taste buds and you pause. What the heck? It tastes like... hm, you're not quite sure what it tastes like, but it's good. What is that?

You lean back in close to Karkat and take a little lick of his cheek. There it is again, something sweet and tangy and rich. Fuck if it doesn't taste a little like... apples?

DAVE: you been baking or something?
KARKAT: WHAT.
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL WOULD MAKE YOU THINK I'VE BEEN BAKING, BULGEMUNCH? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME USE A CUISINE FURNACE?
DAVE: well there was that one time at janes place
DAVE: you know the first fortnightly cross cultural recipe exchange jamboree or whatever the fuck she called it
KARKAT: OH GOD. OH FUCK NO.
KARKAT: I HAD ALMOST BLESSEDLY ERASED THAT UNMITIGATED DISASTER FROM MY MEMORY. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING IT UP AGAIN?
DAVE: oh come on it wasnt THAT bad
DAVE: least we got to test out earth cs emergency response services
DAVE: those paramedics are on top of their shit
DAVE: and anyway its not like jake did it on purpose he had no way of knowing that trolls not only get drunk on mangoes but also are violently allergic to onions
KARKAT: FUCK JAKE AND FUCK HIS "CHUTNEY".
KARKAT: WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS. IS IT YOUR IDEA OF A GOOD POST-PAILING CHAT TO DREDGE UP TRAUMATIC MEMORIES OF JANE'S FIRST ANNUAL FOOD POISONING PARADE?
DAVE: oh right
DAVE: no its just
DAVE: i coulda sworn i tasted like pie filling or some shit just now
DAVE: just wondering if youd taken up pastry chefery behind my back
DAVE: because that would be some bullshit, you know i got first dibs on taste testing if you get up to any delicious kitchen shenanigans
KARKAT: NO I HAVE NOT BEEN FUCKING BAKING.
KARKAT: WHATEVER MINUSCULE DESIRE I MAY EVER HAVE HAD TO ATTEMPT THE ART OF FODDER CONCOCTION HAS BEEN ERADICATED FROM MY PAN FOREVER BY THOSE TWO BESPECTACLED NOOKWIPES.
DAVE: hm

You press your lips to his cheek again, taste just a hint of that glorious flavor you'd tasted before. Experimentally, you move your mouth to his shoulder and lick the bare skin there. Nope, there it just tastes like Karkat always tastes, a slightly earthy flavor that's uniquely him.

Your eyes fall on the bucket at your feet, then dart back to Karkat's cheek where there's just the slightest smudge of genetic material still there. Huh. What if it's...?

No, it can't be that, right? That would just be too weird.

But god damn, whatever it is you just tasted was the most mindblowingly delicious substance to grace your mouth since your first taste of apple juice after the meteor. You can't just ignore it. You have to know. You reach down to dip your fingers into the red jizz in the bucket.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!
DAVE: chill im just testing a theory
DAVE: gotta get all scientific method up in this bitch

You stick your goopy fingers in your mouth, much to Karkat's extremely visible disgust, and, wow, yeah, that was where the flavor was coming from all right. It tastes kind of like apple juice, except thick and even sweeter, apple nectar, hot damn. You swipe another fingerful out of the bucket and yeah, that's the good stuff, your boyfriend is a font of the nectar of the fuckin' gods and he just spills it all out into a bucket and flushes it afterward? That is a crime against the universe itself, you didn't go to all that effort to breed that glowy-ass tadpole just for it to be shown this sort of flagrant disrespect by your own alien fuckbuddy, we are all about reducing reusing and motherfucking recycling up in this galactifrog thank you very much and you might be saying all of this out loud whoops.

KARKAT: WHAT IN THE TAINTCHAFING FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT??
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU — HOLY SHIT DON'T TAKE EVEN MORE!
DAVE: dude have you ever tried this shit its amazing
KARKAT: FUCK OFF, NO, I DON'T MAKE A HABIT OF EATING MY OWN GENMAT.
DAVE: dog you gotta try it it seriously tastes like apple custard
DAVE: like damn are you part fruit or what
DAVE: was that the secret all along
DAVE: we thought trolls were bug people but actually the so-called mother grub is just a big tree with a misleading name
DAVE: and yall grow on her branches in little pods and drop on the ground when youre ripe all color coded to indicate what flavor you are
DAVE: like terezi is blue raspberry and the clown dude is that shitty fake grape flavor no one wants
DAVE: kanaya is idk kale or something boringly practical like that
DAVE: aw damn that would suck actually id have to get rose a sympathy card
DAVE: "sorry your girlfriend tastes like a raw-ass salad when you couldve had appleberry blast bad break there"
KARKAT: URRRRRRRRRGGGHHH.
KARKAT: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY DO NOT EVER FORCE ME TO THINK ABOUT THE FLAVOR OF KANAYA'S GENETIC MATERIAL AGAIN.
DAVE: no but seriously you have to try this come on

You scoop up some more of the genetic material and hold it up to Karkat's mouth. He shoves your hand away, leaning so far backward he nearly falls off the bed.

KARKAT: GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME!
DAVE: cmon just one taste
DAVE: i swear itll blow your mind
KARKAT: JUST. FUCKING. STOP!
KARKAT: I KNOW WHAT IT FUCKING TASTES LIKE, OK?!
KARKAT: INADVISABLY CONSUMING YOUR OWN GENMAT OUT OF PERVERSE CURIOSITY IS EFFECTIVELY A PARTICULARLY DISTASTEFUL RITE OF PASSAGE FOR EVERY YOUNG TROLL.
KARKAT: AND AS MUCH AS I AM LOATH TO ADMIT IT, I WAS JUST AS STUPID AS EVERY SIX-SWEEP-OLD WHO GETS THEIR HAND ON THEIR BULGE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
KARKAT: AND, SURPRISE SURPRISE, IT TASTES EXACTLY LIKE IT SMELLS, WHICH IS TO SAY, LIKE SOMETHING THAT JUST SQUIRTED OUT OF MY BODY!
KARKAT: I HAVE NO GODDAMN IDEA WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR SAVOR NODULES IF YOU'RE WAXING LYRICAL ABOUT MY BODILY SECRETIONS.
DAVE: so you seriously dont taste anything fruity here
KARKAT: NO!
DAVE: huh

You lick your fingers again thoughtfully. Nope, still delicious.

DAVE: is this like one of those things where trolls think diet coke tastes like ass or something
KARKAT: !!!!!

A horrified expression crosses Karkat's face. He slaps one hand to his face, then the other, and groans into them despairingly.

KARKAT: FUUUUUUCK.
KARKAT: NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, DIET COKE DOES TASTE A LITTLE LIKE GENMAT, DOESN'T IT.
KARKAT: UGGGGGGH. I AM NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT JOHN'S FIZZ JUICE HABIT THE SAME WAY AGAIN. HUMANS ARE DISGUSTING.

Ok, well, you're sure there's some sort of fascinating chemical explanation for this phenomenon that Jade or Dirk or someone could talk your ear off about, but personally, you don't give a shit about the why. All you care about is that you just found your new favorite beverage. You get down on the floor next to the bucket to scoop out more of the heavenly manna, but Karkat clamps his hand around your wrist.

KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT. YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ANY MORE OF THAT INTO YOUR MOUTH. I CANNOT IN GOOD CONSCIENCE STAND BY AND LET MY BOYFRIEND GUZZLE DOWN MY BODILY EMISSIONS.
DAVE: chill its organic we could have the health food craze of the century on our hands here
KARKAT: THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GETTING ON YOUR HANDS IS SOAP TO WASH OFF MY MUTANT SPUNK BEFORE THE RED SINKS INTO YOUR POROUS HUMAN SKIN AND INDELIBLY BRANDS YOU AS A JIZZ EATER.

You try to yank your hand out of Karkat's grip, but all you manage to do is unbalance Karkat and pull him down on top of you. The bucket jostles and nearly tips over beside you.

DAVE: cmon you are seriously overreacting here
DAVE: youre not using it for anything
DAVE: why not let me indulge a little
KARKAT: DO YOU NOT SEE HOW FREAKISH THIS IS?
KARKAT: HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I WERE THE ONE RAVENOUSLY SLURPING DOWN YOUR GENETIC MATERIAL?
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: i dunno
DAVE: a little weird maybe but it wouldnt be that big a deal
DAVE: people swallow it all the time its not like its toxic or anything
KARKAT: FINE! IF IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, I GUESS YOU WON'T BE PUT OFF AT ALL IF I DO THIS!

Karkat swipes some of the half-dried spunk off your belly and holds it up to his mouth, and ok maybe that is a little gross, that stuff was just chilling in your happy trail, probably got pubes in it and shit.

KARKAT: THERE IT IS, ALL READY FOR ME TO SHOVE IT RIGHT DOWN MY SQUAWK GAPER AND TAKE A NICE, OBSCENE SWALLOW!
KARKAT: I'M ABOUT TO DO IT! IT'S GOING IN!
DAVE: ok????
DAVE: you want to put my lukewarm spunk in your mouth so bad be my guest
KARKAT: FINE! I WILL!

True to his word, Karkat sticks his fingers in his mouth, then freezes with the weirdest expression on his face. He stares at you. You stare back at him. He works his tongue over his fingers silently. Your impromptu staring contest keeps on happening.

Ok, this is getting weird.

DAVE: earth c to karkat come in karkat
DAVE: youve been sitting there with your jizz-covered fingers in your mouth for like thirty seconds now
DAVE: is everything ok
DAVE: oh fuck dont tell me sperm actually is toxic to trolls we dont need a repeat of janes intercultural potluck debacle here
DAVE: please do not make me have to call one of those cute little consort ambulances and have to explain to a bunch of doe-eyed pastel turtles that i poisoned you with my man milk
DAVE: i dont think i could ever recover from the humiliation
DAVE: i might as well drown myself in your otherworldly cum right now so we can die together
DAVE: well be the romeo and juliet of spunk
DAVE: troll shakespeare aint got nothing on this tragedy

Finally, Karkat pulls his fingers out of his mouth, visibly gulping.

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, SHUT UP, I'M FINE. NO ONE IS DYING, DINGUS.
KARKAT: I WAS JUST.
KARKAT: PROCESSING.
DAVE: processing
KARKAT: YES. PROCESSING. RUMINATING. USING MY GODDAMN THINK PAN.
KARKAT: I KNOW IT'S HARD FOR YOU TO RELATE TO BUT PLEASE TRY TO KEEP UP.
DAVE: k
DAVE: didnt realize cum eating was such a brainteaser but you do you i guess
KARKAT: NO, BUT SERIOUSLY: WHAT THE FUCK?
KARKAT: WHY DOES IT TASTE LIKE...
KARKAT: LIKE THAT????
DAVE: look i warned you
DAVE: not all of us can come sweet apple honey
DAVE: its just a sad reality of life that most dudes spunk just tastes like spunk
KARKAT: THIS IS WHAT ALL HUMAN GENETIC MATERIAL TASTES LIKE??
DAVE: i mean im not an authority on the subject
DAVE: i got a sample size of one and thats yours truly
DAVE: my thesis on the culinary properties of human nut butter is gonna be laughed out of the university for lack of scientific rigor
DAVE: but yeah im pretty sure i got the same flavor jizz as any other dude

Karkat stares down at the cum residue that still lingers on your skin and licks his lips. Ok then. You take advantage of his distraction to tug your hand out of his grip and reach back to the pail.

Karkat snaps out of whatever thought he'd been lost in and grabs the other edge of the pail.

KARKAT: OH NO YOU DON'T.
DAVE: i hear you
DAVE: but have you considered:
DAVE: oh yes i do

Karkat jerks the pail away sharply. Genmat splashes on both your hands as you scramble to keep your grip.

KARKAT: JUST LET GO! HAVEN'T YOU GOTTEN YOUR FILL OF THIS GUNK ALREADY?!
DAVE: never

You make like you're going to dunk your head into the bucket. (A bluff. You wouldn't actually go that far. Probably.) Karkat freaks out and yanks the bucket hard, doesn't encounter the resistance either of you expect when it slides right out of your slippery hands, and as a result ends up accidentally chucking straight up at you. It conks you in the head then splashes to the floor upside down, covering you, Karkat, part of the bed, and a whole lot of the floor in sweet, red goo.

DAVE: fuck!
KARKAT: SHIT!
KARKAT: ARE YOU OK?!
DAVE: hell no im not ok
DAVE: not when you just spilled your sweet sweet ambrosia all over our grody floor
DAVE: god DAMN what a waste
KARKAT: I WAS ASKING IF YOU'RE HURT, NUMBNUTS!
DAVE: oh
DAVE: yeah no my heads good
DAVE: just emotionally devastated by the trauma of watching your heavenly love potion seep into the carpet fibers
KARKAT: OK! GREAT!
KARKAT: NOW THAT WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT YOUR THICK-ASS NUGBONE ABSORBED THE BLOW FROM MY CONCUPISCENT PAIL LIKE A CHAMP, TIME FOR YOU TO PUT YOUR WELL-PROTECTED THINK PAN TO WORK FIGURING OUT HOW TO CLEAN UP YOUR MESS!
DAVE: what
DAVE: how is this my mess
KARKAT: WELL IT'S NOT MY MESS!
KARKAT: I'M NOT THE ONE WHO KEPT DIPPING MY GREEDY PRONGS IN THE STUFF INSTEAD OF LEAVING WELL ENOUGH ALONE!
DAVE: look all im saying is none of this stuff came out of me
KARKAT: PRETTY SURE THE PROCESS OF EXTRACTING IT WAS A JOINT EFFORT!
DAVE: yeah ok cant deny that one
DAVE: lets not undersell my role in milking that sweet nectar out of your voluptuous juice bags
KARKAT: DELIGHTED TO HEAR THAT WE AGREE THAT THIS ENTIRE DEBACLE WAS 100% YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
KARKAT: NOW GET CLEANING!
DAVE: ugh
DAVE: you sure you dont want to just write this room off as a loss
DAVE: i keep telling you the third floor guest bedrooms got a better view anyway
KARKAT: NO WE ARE NOT ABANDONING AN ENTIRE ROOM OF OUR HIVE OVER A PAILING MISADVENTURE.
KARKAT: I'M GONNA GO GET THAT VACUUM SQUEEGEE MONSTROSITY WE ALCHEMIZED LAST YEAR. WHO KNOWS, MAYBE WE'VE FINALLY FOUND A USE FOR IT! TALK ABOUT MIRACLES!
KARKAT: MEANWHILE, YOU GET STARTED GETTING THE SHEETS IN THE LAUNDRY.
KARKAT: CHOP CHOP, FUCKER!
DAVE: yeah yeah love you too

Once Karkat has left the room, you sigh and sit back against the bed. Licking the remnants of Karkat's luscious apple cum off your hands, you survey the mess.

Should've put down a tarp.