Though he's learned to mostly work through it over the years, there's still some days, and some weeks, that make it harder for Minho to forget.
It's hard to forget about the stares across the room that last longer than they should and shouldn't mean what they do, the brushing of fingertips whenever they're standing too close to each other that shouldn't make Minho feel the way he does, and the unspoken words that linger between them when it's just the two of them at night that shouldn't feel like secrets, but are.
Jab. Jab. Undercut.
His skin's flushed red, hands burning in the wraps he has around them, his backwards hat creating a red line across his forehead, and sweat running down the back of his neck to in between his shoulder blades from how long he's been in the hotel gym.
He's glad this gym doesn't have a set time to close like other hotels they've stayed at, especially since there's nobody around at this hour. Last time Minho checked the clock it was close to eleven, and that was a whole playlist ago so he knows it's well after midnight, closer to one in the morning but he just can't stop.
He can't get in that elevator and go back up to the room he's meant to stay in for the next couple of days in the foreign country they're set to film themselves exploring for a couple days before ending their trip with a concert the final night. He can't walk in the room he's meant to share with Jisung until he's worked off emotions he's brought upon himself by thinking about the memories of the last time they were alone at night and shared the same bed.
It shouldn't have happened, and looking back, Minho isn't sure he fully remembers how it even did. Jeongin must have gone home for the weekend because Minho knew he wasn't in the dorm when he let himself into Jeongin's and Jisung's room shortly after midnight a week before they were set to move into their new dorms. He remembers laying down on Jisung's bed and talking to him about the move for a while, and how they both felt about having to pack up all their things just to unpack them again in a new room. But everything gets blurred in Minho's head when he tries to pinpoint who moved towards who first.
Jisung whispered "I'll miss this" after there'd been a few minutes of comfortable silence between them, and Minho had asked what he meant to which Jisung had turned on his side to look at him properly and said "Talking with you at night. And not being able to randomly see you walk a few steps down the hallway into my room whenever you want to. I'll miss us being able to be like this together." and Minho only remembers then turning on his side to look at Jisung, and how their eyes began to finally reveal the truth that danced between them, the rest of his memory going blank until the moment Jisung's lips were on his.
"I'm sorry," were the first words Minho said when he and Jisung pulled apart from each other, Minho's lips still tingling from the shock and joy of kissing Jisung.
"It's okay." Jisung had grabbed hold of Minho's wrist to keep it steady where it was on his cheek while he looked at Minho in a way that made Minho's mind freeze over. "It's really okay Minho."
Minho had told himself to believe that it was okay when their hands began to wander, beginning to share more secrets together in between each exchange of soft kisses, and had the reality of everything not been so heartbreaking for him to remember, maybe Minho wouldn't be haunted by the sweet sounds he heard from Jisung that night, sounds he never thought he would ever have the pleasure of causing.
But they knew the consequences of their actions. The moment of vulnerability they shared together that meant more to them then they couldn't ever say without repercussions. So with their fragile hearts, raw and pleading out for the other, they agreed the constant living in fear would be too much, which is how the night became another one of their secrets, and the hardest Minho's ever had to deal with. The pain of knowing Jisung would be so close but so far away every single day, that he had Jisung that close but could never reach out for him again. It had Minho's heart ripping itself into pieces more and more as time went on.
And now, the memories and secrets torment Minho's head and dreams too often, and he finds himself struggling to block them out, every day stepping two feet forward but then one step backwards in the battle of losing himself again in the feelings he can't seem to suppress.
"Fuck!" Minho throws another punch so hard at the punching bag that it swings back at him with more force than it has the entire night and Minho stumbles back when he catches the bag and decides he needs to stop. He takes his earbuds out and knocks his hat off his head, letting it hit the floor. He crouches down to the ground, raising his shaking hands up to balance his wrists against his temples.
He needs to get himself under control.
It was easier before. Everything was manageable before that night. Minho's been fully aware of his feelings for years now and knows how to keep them in line and it's been fine. Or it was fine.
Until that night happened.
And even after that, it was still kind of fine. But at the same time, it wasn't.
Minho looks up to the ceiling, eyes growing ridiculously wide a couple times to prevent himself from crying, and he chokes out a weak laugh as he wipes the one tear that makes its escape and slides down his cheek. He carefully unties the supportive wraps around his hand and wrist and sees how badly he's bruised it. A red cut between his knuckles shining with a few scratches and cuts scattered around the rest of his fist as he flexes his fingers, knowing fully well his other hand will probably bruise worse given that was his dominant jabbing hand.
He knows he should use the boxing gloves in his bag, he's been told by Changbin many times, but the wraps make the impact of Minho's hits harder and the sharp feeling in his hands lasts longer and Minho likes how it hurts. He likes how it makes him forget, even for a while, about the ache in his chest he feels almost every day.
Because of all the people he'd accidentally fallen for when he was a teenager struggling to debut and live out a dream with his newfound friends, he picked the best and yet the worst person he could. Because falling in love with someone who you're not allowed to love has been the most awful thing Minho has ever had to go through.
But then again Jisung was, and still is, so easy to love.
Minho's not even surprised when he walks in their room an hour later to see Jisung still awake. He's sitting up with his back resting against the bed, surrounded by three notebooks and eyes glued on his laptop with his big, bulky headphones over his ears. Minho suppresses the urge to giggle at the sight of the focused boy in his zone across the room.
"How's the writing going?" He asks softly but loud enough to hopefully be heard.
Jisung looks his way immediately, giving him a small smile as he slips his headphones off his ears and clicks a few buttons before promptly closing his laptop. "Good. Productive. I was just finishing everything actually. I'm happy with what I have, I'll show the hyungs when we're back home."
"Oh cool, that's awesome." Minho says but falls quiet after a few moments as he puts his things away and gets ready for bed. He's still struggling with nerves and the leftover thoughts he wasn't able to shake off while boxing to try and muster up a conversation to fill the dead air.
He knows Jisung immediately notices something's off with him, he's too tuned into Minho's behaviour to not pick up on how different Minho's acting when he lays down next to him a couple minutes later. But Minho also knows Jisung through and through, and knows that Jisung is naturally too quiet at night to spark up a conversation unless he knows Minho wants to, so he finally forces himself to speak.
"You should write a song about me, never know, 'could be our next hit song." Minho says it as a complete joke, to try and lift the silence that's grown between them, thick with tension that Minho hopes he's not making more awkward than it already is.
"Who's to say I haven't?" Jisung's reply catches Minho off guard, his head automatically turning towards Jisung whose eyes are unwavering glued to the ceiling. "Who's to say there aren't lyrics scribbled down somewhere that had you in mind when they were written?"
"Oh." Minho responds. It's knowledge that he's glad to be able to know but also wishes he never heard. "I'd like to read them someday, maybe."
Jisung finally looks at him. His eyes are unreadable, like he's lost, and Minho can't help but feel guilty. "Would you really want that though?"
"No." It doesn't take long for Minho to answer truthfully, knowing the riddles and hidden words laced in between Jisung's lyrics will only scratch more tears across Minho's heart that already feels like it's bleeding out as he just lies here, looking at him. "It's better if I don't."
"Yep." Jisung says and looks away. There's a bit of a shake to his voice, like his emotions are on the verge of wanting to influence his actions and it takes Minho back to the last time they were situated like this, but this time instead of feeling butterflies in his stomach, Minho feels like he's going to be sick.
Minho can tell Jisung wants him to say something, anything, to make this better for them but he doesn't. He doesn't know how to make it better. He can't make it better.
Jisung eventually sighs, chest heaving deeply, and then he shifts onto his side and pushes himself out of the bed. Minho looks at the back of the droopy oversized t-shirt Jisung is wearing that covers the skin that Minho horribly reminds himself he once kissed lines down, and watches as Jisung turns the corner into the bathroom and shuts the door without another word.
Minho hears the shower turn on and forces himself to turn on his side, facing the windows they've pulled the curtains across and shuts the lamp off beside him and wills himself to fall asleep quickly, but fails miserably, pretending like he doesn't feel tears running down his cheeks minutes later when he hears the hushed crying on the opposite side of the wall.
In some sick way, it comforts Minho to know Jisung is just as affected by everything as he still is. He thinks it's probably selfish of him to think like this, how he shouldn't be happy that their night together months ago remains so strongly rooted between them that it hurts Jisung just enough to bring his pain to the surface every once in a while, just like it does to Minho.
But happy really isn't the right word for how he feels about it, and Minho knows this. It just makes him feel like he's less alone in the suffering, even for a second. They've never talked about how hard it is to try to forget but yet cherish what happened, and Minho doesn't know if they ever will. The need to stay away but wanting so badly to be so, so close.
Minho's grinning from ear to ear as he swipes the keycard to unlock their room and Jisung's pushing past him as soon as he hears the door click open, rushing into the hotel room with giggles bursting from him as he bounces around.
"I still can't believe our team won earlier. Did you see Seungminnie's face when he lost against Channie hyung and had to buy all of our meals? What a look of defeat. That was probably the best food I've ever had."
"Free food is always the best kind of food." Minho nods, still smiling widely as Jisung comes back over to him once Minho's shut the door. Jisung grabs his hands, pulling Minho into the centre of the room so he can swing them around. It makes Minho laugh and squeeze Jisung's hands tighter as they get dizzy with bliss.
"And we get to perform tomorrow in front of everyone on that cool stage, have you seen how fucking huge the stage is? Jeonginnie and I want Hyunjin to take a polaroid of us in front of it when we do rehearsals 'cause it's so fuckin' sick."
"Yeah I saw it, it's nice. I can tell from your lack of filter and how chatty you are that you're still high on an adrenaline rush from another successful filming day." Minho chuckles, pulling his hands away from Jisung's only to latch onto the boy's wrists to calm him down before he gives both of them whiplash.
"I'm just glad today went well. We've been so busy these past few weeks and barely any of us have slept. I know we're still technically working but this trip has almost felt like a mini vacation. I like when we're all able to get away and explore, even if we have to make content and perform." Jisung twists one of his arms so he's able to poke at Minho's chest while Minho still holds onto his wrist, Jisung's smile is so wide that Minho can't help but giggle, the happiness Jisung creates around him too much for Minho's heart to handle sometimes.
"We should rest up for tomorrow, they want us all up and ready for rehearsal pretty early." Minho says after a couple minutes of playing around with Jisung in their room. He knows they need to sleep, but also dreads every time he thinks about having to lay beside Jisung again. Last night was better than the first, but only because filming had run later than anyone expected and by the time the boys were finally dismissed and brought back to the hotel, Minho was beyond exhausted and asleep within minutes of his head hitting the pillow, long gone into his dreams by the time Jisung came back into the room from his shower.
"For as silly as you are most of the time, you can be such an old soul sometimes. I wonder why I spend so much time with you Grandpa." Jisung sticks his tongue out at Minho and laughs when Minho shoots a playful punch at his chest. Their giggles continue on quietly as they begin their own separate nightly routines.
"Too bad for you, you have to spend time with me because half the time you're forced to by the company." Minho makes a teasing remark one last time while searching for his skin care cream in his bag, waiting to hear the expected sassy comeback from Jisung on his side of the room but looks up when he doesn't hear anything after a minute.
He sees Jisung frowning down at his phone where he's plugging it in to charge and Minho looks away right in time when Jisung sets the phone down, eyes landing on where Minho is squatting on the opposite side of the bed by his bag on the floor.
"That's not true."
The second he hears Jisung say those words, Minho regrets even speaking at all.
"That's just–" Jisung lets out an awkward laugh, trying to cover up the sudden shift in his behaviour, scratching at the back of his neck and averts his eyes back down to his bag. "That's really not true, Minho."
"Right yeah, sorry. I was just kidding." Minho doesn't know what to do except nod and fiddle with some of the things in his bag. He hates how he's killed the high they were riding on from their day, because now it feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room and they're just left grasping at nothing. He forces his head to stay down when he takes his things into the bathroom, and only when he's inside and shuts the door behind him does he finally let go of the breath he held the entire time he walked past Jisung.
He wastes as much time as he can changing and brushing his teeth to avoid going back into the room. He even washes his face extra well while listening to the odd noise coming from the other room every few minutes and figures Jisung must have been watching something on his phone.
Over the course of their time together as a group, Minho's fallen asleep next to multiple members on several different occasions, Jisung being the most common throughout the years, but Minho has never felt so uncomfortable than he does as soon as he lays down next to Jisung ten minutes later. It's so much worse than it was the first night they were here and Jisung seems to feel that way too, forcing his eyes to stay focused on his phone as he closes apps on his phone, his hoodie bunched up around his neck making half his face barely visible to Minho.
Minho pulls the blankets up to his neck and looks up at the ceiling and loses track of how many minutes he stares at it, unable to focus on anything but how silent it is in the room aside from his own breathing. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jisung's chest rising and falling a bit faster than one's normally should while simply laying down and Minho gets hit with a wave of brief self hatred, knowing he's the one making Jisung feel anxious.
He almost thinks it would be best to get up and move to the lounge chair in the corner of the room by the window and try to let them both feel calmer and maybe get to sleep quicker, but he freezes when he feels Jisung moving around just a foot away from him and put his phone on the nightstand. He settles down on his back again, shifting his leg closer to Minho this time so his knee is almost touching the side of Minho's.
They stay like that for quite a while, skin barely touching but yet close enough that it makes the stifled air in the room die down a bit now that one of them has done something. Minho notices Jisung's breathing evens out after a few minutes and almost thinks he's fallen asleep, until Jisung clears his throat and Minho's eyes flicker sporadically across the ceiling as he waits for the boy to speak.
"I spend time with you because I like it." Jisung's voice is quiet, soft, like he's nervous of what he's saying. Minho keeps his eyes focused on one spot of the ceiling as he listens to the boy next to him. "Not because someone forces me to. Because I like it."
"I know." Minho answers in the same small voice. He knows what Jisung means, the meaning behind his words saying something more profound than he's actually able to say out loud. Minho feels his chest twisting and if it wasn't for the heat radiating from the spot of Jisung's skin that's almost touching his, Minho thinks he'd flinch from how cold his nerves have suddenly made him.
"I just, I hate when you say things like that… because you know where we stand. You– you know how I feel about you."
"Jisung." Minho turns his head, staring at the boy next to him with a mixture of surprise and sadness. It really hurts to hear if Minho's completely honest with his emotions. They haven't uttered words like that in so long. The you look so perfect right now and the need you, want you so bad whispered against each other's lips all those months ago were everything Minho's ever wanted to hear, but it hurt then and the small confession now hurts even more. Their secrets have always been better kept when they're not spoken about, better in small actions to show that what blooms between them is still real but should never go further than whatever the fleeting moment might be.
It's supposed to make this easier.
"I know, sorry." Jisung automatically apologises, like he knows he's said something wrong. Minho's almost ready to pretend like he hadn't even heard the words leave Jisung's mouth, but then Jisung finally turns to look at him and Minho's heart skips a beat and breaks all at once. He wants to reach out for Jisung and be held in the boy's arms while he cries because of how fucking unfair this is for them. They stare at each other until their gazes eventually drop to each other's lips and Minho's fighting his own strength as to why he can't just have what he wants like they both did that night all those months ago.
"I'm fucking sorry." Minho's the one apologizing now, because he can't say anything else without destroying everything inside of him. Inside of both of them. But Jisung understands, plastering a small but fake smile on his face and nods, turning his head to focus on the ceiling again.
"No it's not." Minho wishes so badly they weren't breaking each other's hearts in a hotel room simply because of who they are, how they feel, and what they do. Jisung deserves to be loved in a way that's free. With acts of love made however and wherever just because he's loved and it deserves to be shown.
Minho wants the same for himself, and he wants it to be with Jisung.
But he knows they aren't able to have that, and will probably never be able to have that with each other.
"You're right, it's not." Jisung replies quietly, arms reaching out of the blankets to brush his hair off his forehead and he keeps his arms above his head. "But what else can you say?"
"I don't know." And Minho really doesn't, he can't pretend like he's not crumbling to bits on the inside right now because he can't be truthful and just say how he feels.
Like before, it's their moments of vulnerability that lead them to slipping up and crossing the lines they know they shouldn't. But sometimes it all gets to be too much and they can't stop themselves, the need to be close to each other overpowering everything, which is why Minho stays where he is when Jisung turns onto his side and moves his leg in between Minho's, knee shifting further up the space between Minho's legs.
"Tell me to stop." Jisung mumbles, eyes darting between Minho's for any sign he should move away but Minho's already ready to give in to this fleeting moment and pushes down the pain and sadness that will hit him later.
"And if I don't?" He whispers back but he's never met with a verbal answer. Instead, they stare at each other, Jisung only blinking once, twice, and then they finally snap, with Minho pushing Jisung back against the bed, their lips finding each other almost too easily, like they haven't been separated for months.
Minho feels himself being pulled in closer by Jisung's fingers grabbing at his shirt, and then they're trailing up his chest until Jisung settles for cupping the back of Minho's neck. Minho slides one of his hands underneath the material of Jisung's hoodie, the warmth radiating from the boy's skin feeling like heaven on Minho's hand and Jisung gasps at the touch, pulling away from Minho only for a breath and to look into his eyes before he's bringing Minho back down again, connecting their lips and they both release soft sighs into each others' mouths. Minho presses into him more when he feels Jisung's tongue prodding at his lips and he parts them enough to let Jisung take whatever he wants.
Minho would give him everything.
He wishes he could.
They touch each other like they're scared they'll lose one another, with their lips stealing the words that beg to slip right out of their mouths. It's better to keep quiet this time, not letting little confessions out like the first time they found themselves in this type of situation. It's different than before, but it means just as much, maybe even more, when Minho's hand twists just the right way and he watches Jisung's back arch and then he's gasping, struggling to keep his eyes on Minho while making a mess on his stomach. And minutes later after Minho's pushed onto his back, having to bite his bottom lip to keep himself quiet as he feels Jisung's tongue lapping up the mess Minho eventually makes on his own stomach. He pulls Jisung in for another kiss afterwards, tasting himself on Jisung's lips and holds him close, so afraid to let Jisung go and lose him.
Their eyes are already falling shut by the time they clean up and finally lay their heads down to sleep, huddled a little closer than before. Minho lies his head on Jisung's chest, listening to the boy's steady heartbeat and decides it's better than the shattering effect he begins to realize is happening to his own heart.
He returns home after getting a late night meal with Chan and Hyunjin when they left the company together, settling into a cozy spot on the couch in his dorm to relax for a while. He assumes the others are asleep in their rooms at this hour, Seungmin and Jeongin for sure. Felix is the dorm's wild card, sometimes the first one to turn in at night and other times Minho wakes up and hears him eating in the kitchen in the middle of the night. Minho peeks out their window, his fingers pulling back at the curtain just enough for him to catch a glimpse of the city's nightlife and he leans his elbow on the edge of the couch to hold up his chin when he rests it on his palm.
"You're not usually up this late."
The sudden voice startles Minho twenty minutes later, his head whipping around to see Jisung coming down the hallway from Felix's room with a pile of takeout containers in his hands. Minho instantly relaxes again, looking away as he chuckles, letting the curtain fall shut again.
"I lost track of time when I was working out, I got food with Chan hyung and Hyunjinnie after that." He answers and looks at Jisung again to see him nod and head to the kitchen garbage to dispose of the boxes in his hands. "What brings you over?"
"Felix wanted to hang out and play video games. I figured I'd surprise him with a meal to soften the blow for when I beat him at his own games. I lost horribly, mind you, but it was fun."
Minho snorts at Jisung's night events, wiping his hands underneath his eyes when he yawns quietly. "He's been bragging to Seungmin and I about how great he is at the games Jeongin bought him last month, he plays them constantly. You didn't stand a chance."
"I nearly beat him a couple times though, so that wasn't a major blow to my ego at least." Jisung laughs, making his way to the other side of the couch. He grabs one of the pillows and hugs it to his chest as he sits down and looks at Minho with tired eyes.
"You should go home and sleep." Minho whispers, admiring how adorable the boy looks in front of him right now.
"Was going to, plans changed."
"Why?" He asks and Jisung shrugs, speaking softly.
"I saw you."
Minho smiles despite himself, looking down to play with the loose threads of the pillow next to him. It's been weeks since they returned home from their time abroad, all the content they'd filmed has begun being edited and they've been getting ready for the next album release. Whilst busy in early preparations for their next comeback, Minho hasn't had much time to let his mind get lost in replaying the events that happened in the hotel room he and Jisung shared, but that doesn't mean he hasn't thought about it either.
He almost confessed everything to Hyunjin a week after they got home, when they were coming back from a taping later than the others due to an interview. He'd been so stuck on letting his feelings lead him blindly into being with Jisung again that for a few days after being home, Minho wasn't sure if he could handle it on his own anymore. He decided against sharing his woes moments before he attempted to catch Hyunjin's attention in the van, knowing it would only create a ripple effect in their entire group and Minho didn't want to put more stress and burdens on his members than they already dealt with daily.
"You look like you have a lot going on inside your head. I brought that on, didn't I? Sorry." Jisung gives him a sad look when Minho glances his way again, and Minho's quick to shake his head.
"You don't need to be sorry, it's not your fault."
"Sometimes I feel like it is." Jisung says, trying to make it sound better than the half truth his words really mean. He fails though, face falling in the next moment and pushes his back further into the couch cushions. "I wish we didn't have to feel so stuck all the time, and that we didn't have to end up acting like this. You're right in front of me, but you're so fucking far at the same time."
Minho fixes his eyes on the strands of the hair that fall in front of Jisung's eyes when the boy leans his side against the couch. He bites at his lip, speaking nervously. "Is there anything you regret?"
Jisung shifts his leg so he can lightly kick at Minho's socked foot in front of him and shakes his head, and the lost look of hope in his eyes breaks another piece of Minho's damaged heart. "No. If there's anybody I'd make myself go through this for, it'd be with you and only for you."
Minho has tears gathering in his eyes before he even notices and has to quickly try and get himself under control, clearing his throat and looking away for a moment but as soon as he looks back at Jisung, he sees tears in his eyes too.
"I want to tell you so fucking bad." Minho whispers into the darkness of the room that surrounds them. His confession is on the tip of his tongue, screaming in his head to be said and Minho struggles with the fact that he needs to remind himself that he just can't say it.
"I wish you knew how long I've wanted to tell you, it's like, almost embarrassing." Jisung chuckles sadly as he raises his sleeve to wipe the corner of his eyes and hugs the pillow into his chest harder. He smiles at Minho with watery eyes. "Tell me everything when we're finally able, once and for all, if the day ever comes."
"If the day ever comes." Minho repeats as he nods, finding the last ounce of strength left in him at this hour to try his best hold everything in and push it further and further down, because really, what else is he supposed to do? He hates that this is happening to them. Why, why can't he be with Jisung and have forever with him? It's not fair, and it never has been.
It's not fair that he can't live out his dream and be who he is with who he loves without ruining everything for everyone. Not even intentionally, but because that's what the judging eyes and opinions from the outside world have deemed it for him. For them. Because of who they are.
Jisung reaches a hand out, and before Minho can even think to stop himself, he's moving forward a few feet on the couch to intertwine his fingers with Jisung's and they sit across from each other in silence. A goofy smile appears on Jisung's face as Minho starts running his thumb across the boy's knuckles, and the same smile ends up on Minho's face too as they stay as close as they can be, the feeling of their fingers tangled together providing them a safe sense of comfort as it's one of the few ways they know they can be together right now.
"We need to stop letting these kinds of things happen." Minho mumbles after a couple minutes. He doesn't want to interrupt their peace but it needs to be said, because despite everything, they still need to protect themselves. "If we keep letting ourselves get too caught up in this– someone could see… or say something."
Jisung squeezes Minho's hand and nods, almost like he's been expecting Minho to say it. "I know. I almost lost you once before, and I'm never going through that again."
Minho holds onto Jisung's hand tightly as he feels another surge of emotion hit him when he thinks back to that day when they were nearly ripped from each other as teenagers, young hearts worn on their sleeves with feelings they didn't yet fully understand why were blooming in their chests.
Jisung knows he's brought up one of the worst times in their journey, but he tries to hold a smile on his face for Minho's sake, keeping their hands locked and voice low. "If this is how it has to be, then so be it. I'd rather have you near me than not at all."
"Those nights though, especially the last time– we weren't supposed to slip up again."
"We weren't supposed to fall in love either, but somewhere along the way we did that too."
Minho falls silent at that, taking in the fact that their biggest secret has come out and he lets it linger between them. He simply stares at Jisung who shrugs in return, and when they finally let their fingers slip away from each other, Minho has to resist the urge to cry, feeling like he's losing something he's never even had the chance to fully have.
"One day we'll tell each other all of the things we still want to say to each other. Or… yeah. Someday, right? That's what I tell myself anyway." Jisung answers his own thoughts out loud with another quiet laugh leaving his lips but it's not really humourous and Minho sees him struggling, and sees just how badly Jisung is trying to be okay with this. With whatever this has to be.
Minho just wants to love him. He already does, so much. He wants to show it openly, freely. But he knows he can't, it's not an option and Minho doesn't even know if it can ever be an option.
But for now, he focuses on the boy in front of him, and how Jisung lays his back against the pillows behind him again and rests his mismatched socks in Minho's lap, getting comfortable.
"Can we sleep like this tonight? I'm too tired to go to my dorm."
"Our backs will probably hurt in the morning." Minho mumbles but he's already getting cozy and realizes just how tired he is as his eyes are more than ready to fall shut when he blinks a few times.
"We've gone through worse, haven't we?" Jisung smiles and Minho snorts, nodding, comforted by the soft glow of Jisung's eyes shining into his own, conveying the words they still can't say but know the other feels. It hurts just as much as it always has, but Minho now knows he's never going to be not alone in this. Everything he feels, Jisung feels. All the frustration, desire, want, and sadness he feels, Jisung does too.
Until the day they can have each other close again. If that day ever comes. When it'll finally be their time to be together, Minho tries to assure himself, even if he doesn't believe it as much as he'd like to as his eyes fall shut and he drifts off to sleep minutes later.
Minho hopes the reassurance they have in each other will be enough for him to hold himself together for another day, and all the days that are to follow.
That's all Minho can do really, hope.