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i don't butter my bread

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Nanami was sitting in his apartment eating his favorite food: bread. Plain white bread. Literally no butter. Not even peanut butter. 

 

He was enjoying the peace. He didn’t enjoy much in life (especially Satoru Gojo) but he could enjoy this. Until he received a text message from Satoru Gojo.

 

NANNAMIIII HEPP T~T RIKA CHAN IS LOOSE IN THE SCHOOL 🤪😥🐊!!!!!! ;”””( :/ 

 

Nanami turned on Do Not Disturb. He refused to deal with this shit. He is literally not even a teacher at Jujutsu High. 

 

It is 9 pm. Nanami has an early morning, for fuck’s sake. He needs his beauty sleep.

 

He then saw a notification for a missed call from Satoru Gojo. Then his phone started ringing again. Nanami denied it. But it just kept ringing. He decided to finally answer and get this over with.

 

“NAAAAANNNNNNAAAMMMIIII!!!” Gojo screamed. “HELLLLLLLPPPPP!!”

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be the world’s strongest sorcerer? What is exactly going on?” Nanami hissed through his teeth.

 

Gojo then sent a DM of a bloody Rika with her fangs wide open. With a text message saying SHE’S GOING TO EAT MEEEEE

 

The “blood” literally looked like squiggly lines from MS Paint. Nanami could feel an intense migraine approaching. He has dealt with this before, unfortunately. Gojo was literally like a 12 year old. Who never received any love or attention as a child. He wasn’t going to believe him that this was happening.

 

Nanami shut off his phone, ignoring Gojo’s screams. making sure to block Gojo from calling him again. He reclined in his chair and opened a book, while eating his stale ass white ass bread.

 

10 minutes passed. Japan still seemed to be standing, so if Rika was really unleashing wravoc upon them, it seemed to have been taken care of.

 

Until a new text message came through. From Yuji.

 

Please help

 

Nanami stared. And continued to stare. Was this… actually happening? Were the students truly in danger?

 

Yuji, Nanami responded. Is it Rika? What’s happening?

 

No response. Nanami…was starting to feel nervous. What in the hell was happening?

 

He decided to call Yuji. When he didn’t get an answer, he fled as fast as possible to the school.

 

**

 

Which…no Rika appeared to be in sight. 

 

“SATORU!” Nanami screamed. He ran. And ran. Until he saw Gojo sitting …. In a beach chair?

 

“Nanami!” Gojo took off his blindfold. He was literally wearing swim trunks. Nanami wanted to die. Because that would be easier than murdering Gojo. God. 

 

He’s not getting paid enough for this shit. 

 

“WHERE IS RIKA.” Nanami completely lost his patience.

 

Gojo waved an apology to his students. They were in a classroom, by the way. “Relax, my friend. Rika-CHAN isn’t here. It’s just me. And Yuji. And Yuta. And Maki. And-“

 

“I GET IT” Nanami literally wanted to punch Gojo squarely in the face but his FUCKING SHIELD would prevent him from feeling it. 

 

So he punched the next closest person. That old ass geezer principal. Who was conveniently there. 

 

Gojo choked on the banana popsicle he was deepthraoting and Nanami secretly hopes he won’t be resuscitated. 

 

“Sensei!” Yuji raised his hand, ignoring as if this entire situation was even happening. “Are we going to learn now?”

 

“I WANT TO BOND WITH NANAMIN” Gojo declared. “MY ONLY FRIEND BESIDES THE ONE I KILLED, LITERALLY GETO”

 

“I haven’t learned anything since joining this school…” Yuta mumbled to himself.

 

“We aren’t friends.” Nanami sighed. “And do you have to keep screaming? I came here because I thought we were in an emergency. You’re an absolute child…”

 

“Why are you even here?” The Panda poked Yuta’s depressed face. “You don’t even go here anymore.”

 

“I invited him.” Gojo said as if that solved everything. 

 

“Satoru…”

 

“BUT WE ARE IN DANGER!” Gojo cried. He held up his pinky which had a speck of blood, like a papercut. “Sukuna bit me.”

 

Sukuna hissed from Yuji’s cheek. 

 

Gojo tried to hug Nanami but Nanami stepped away. 

 

“I’m going home.” Nanami declared. 

 

“No stopp you’re too sexxxxy~~”

 

“What?”

 

“What?”

 

Megumi looked more suicidal than usual in the corner. “Gojo sensei. Let us go home. It’s been hours…”

 

“YOU’RE NOT LEAVING UNTIL I SAY SO!” Gojo shook the old ass principal by his shoulders. “I have to take the old man for his walk.” 

 

“You promised us snacks .” Nobora hissed, throwing a nail at the nearby wall. She slammed her hammer down on the Panda’s head. This was her going to be her fourth animal abuse inquiry. 

 

“Old man? Nanami is right here, sensei!” Yuji waved his arms dramatically.

 

“Yutaaaaaaaaaa” The REAL Rika started to hiss.

 

“OH NO RIKA CHAAAN DONNNTTT KILL GOJJJOOOOOOO0 SENSEIIII” Yuta screeched.

 

“HES PUSHING HIS LUCK YUUUUTTTAAAAAA”

 

“But we’re having a beach party!” Gojo started to legitimately cry. 

 

“Why can’t we have this at a real beach…?” Nobara grumbled.

 

“Because that’s too dangerous!”

 

Rika punched through a wall. Yuta screeched. 

 

Gojo then trapped Rika in his domain expansion or whatever BS curse technique he has up his ass.

 

Yuta started crying. Yuji cried too because he wanted to feel included. The Panda was comatose. 

 

Gojo smiled. This was a successful class lesson.

 

*The End ❤️*