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May, 1783

I did not mean to look. I swear I didn’t!

My godmother, always the very image of perfection, has begun to affect me in the oddest ways. I blush and stumble around her like a child. When I see the white of her skin, her slender neck and delicate hands, my heart begins to hurt inside my chest.

She was playing the harp when I came in, and as she reached for the farthest strings her sheer fichu entrapped my gaze and pulled it down and down. Oh, why must ladies’ necklines be so low! My head became all muddled, I lost track of myself completely and forgot why I came to see her in the first place. Even now I can’t remember. It’s all a blur except for the sight of her. Now it is all I can do to keep breathing.

I must find Fancette. She’s a woman, albeit a young one, perhaps she can help me rid myself of all these feelings. I can’t ask Susanna – she’d just make fun of me. She’s so mean sometimes. It isn’t fair that she gets to spend so much time with my godmother. If only I could trade places with her for a single day, a single hour even… but no, I’m being silly again. Wanting to be a maid, honestly, what madness has come over me? To Fancette, straight away, for I cannot stand an instant more of this dreaming.