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Behind the Facade

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He has been in the darkness for so long now he is beginning to forget how it feels to stand out in the sun. The only chink of light he has is Ray. Somewhere at the very back of his mind, the place where he is still himself, he recognises the irony of that.

He watches himself, stumbling through a life that if it were not for Ray, would be an unsupportable burden.

Back in Canada when his father said goodbye, when he watched his parents walk away from him, going to wherever it is they went, he told himself that he was fine. And for a while he was. He still had Diefenbaker, he still had Ray, and although at the time it seemed like the maddest thing in the whole world, the adventure they had was glorious.

But it was not just the thrill of the snow and the cold, not just the immense peace that surrounded them. (Fraser found he didn't miss the city noise one little bit.) It was being with Ray, day after day. Suddenly all their mis-starts, all the little misunderstandings disappeared, and the two men bonded. They understood each other to such a degree that reaching out in the tent, putting his hand on Ray's cock, seemed a natural extension of their partnership. A new way to say, "I love you."

It was that partnership that brought them back to Chicago, Fraser unable to articulate his feelings, not really sure what those feelings are, except for knowing he can't be away from Ray, that he would rather cut himself in two than leave the man he loves.

He has never said "I love you," to Ray. In the wilderness it seemed unnecessary, he demonstrated his feelings in a thousand different ways every single day, but he seems to have lost that ability now. Does Ray know that Fraser loves him?

At the back of his own mind Fraser watches and waits.

He who would never touch alcohol, has become an enthusiastic drinker. It helps numb the pain for a little while, although the effects don't last nearly long enough. But it gives him some courage, enables him to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to reach out to Ray.

He doesn't know the words anymore but the actions he can remember, and the feelings. Being inside Ray, that is the most intense feeling of them all. Sometimes he thinks he would be happy if he died in that moment, buried deep inside his partner.

He pulls out just a little and hears Ray hiss. He needs this so much, he hopes Ray needs it too. All feeling seems to be concentrated in his groin, the rest of his body numb. He can see his hands gripping onto Ray, holding him still. Is he holding him too tightly?

Ray pushes back, just a little. "Good, Ray." Fraser barely recognises the sound of his own voice.

Ray is panting, shifting his weight, and Fraser panics, holds him still, forces himself deeper. Desperate for feeling now, his thrusts pick up speed, and now he is the one who is panting.

The release of his orgasm makes him cry out, and he lets go of Ray with one hand so he can reach the man's cock and give Ray the same release.

Ray comes quickly and Fraser knows from long practice that Ray will want to sleep now.

For a moment Fraser feels like himself again. He bends over Ray, kisses him gently. "Sleep well, Ray."

He uses the time when Ray is asleep, the time when the darkness is at its weakest, to lay a table, to put out the food that Ray has prepared. It hasn't escaped Fraser's notice that despite everything, despite the way he finds himself behaving, that Ray has continued to care for him. One day he is going to tell Ray how much that means to him. One day he knows he will.