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Reliance

Summary:

All Rey wants is a family.

 

The epilogue to my own stories Regrets and Remorse.

Notes:

Here we go again!

I've missed you guys so much and I'm so excited to finally finish this series with the epilogue of Regrets. I hope you enjoy these last chapters of this fucked-up AU I've created years ago.

 

I recommend strongly that you read Regrets and Remorse for a better understanding. Even the Spin-off Refusals.

 

Before we start off;

No one is forcing you to read this - leave constructive criticism or nothing at all.

English is not my first language.

Mind the tags, please.

 

xoxo Lenkia~

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 

 

 

Rey wishes for a family. A nuclear, fucking family. Where she, the mother, works in some kind of office and comes home just in time to make dinner. The daughter an ambitious child that’s constantly being praised by the teachers. A son that’ll probably be offered a scholarship in sports, and lastly; a father.

A father that everyone relies on, mostly the mother. Who’ll pick up the kids, be there for them when mommy just doesn’t understand, and be the role model children need in their lives. Someone mommy can love, someone that can love mommy. Take care of mommy, who is so extremely tired. 

Rey wishes for a nuclear family, but it feels like she’s far from that. 

“Miss. Niima, this behavior is not tolerated at our elementary school! Makaria’s behavior keeps causing an unsafe environment for the other children. Do you understand that?” 

Rey nods, head lowered and extremely ashamed. The embarrassment never decreases. She’s been scolded in the principal's office more times than she can count in a lifetime and she always promises herself that this will be the last time. 

It never is.

“I’m extremely sorry, Mrs. Holdo,” Rey sighs, shaking her head in remorse. “I promise to have a long talk with Makaria and discuss-”

“Miss. Niima,” the principal interrupts, leaning backward in her office chair. “I, once again, recommend you to contact a family therapist. Your daughter’s anger issues can be rooted in repressed feelings. It can be good for her to talk to someone.”

Rey swallows, suddenly feeling sweat bead on her forehead. Talking about Makaria’s anger makes her extremely uncomfortable and denial is her best friend. There is nothing wrong with her baby. She has not inherited her father's endless rage. 

“I’ll think about it,” Rey says as final. It's a lie - she won't think about it. It seems that Mrs. Holdo knows that too, because standing up and reaching for her bag, Rey sees from the corner of her eyes Mrs. Holdo’s unimpressed look. “Once again, I’m so sorry.” 

“Oh, and Ben’s teacher also called.”

Rey closes her eyes with an exhausted exhale. Dammit. 

 

 

 

“Makaria.”

The girl, sitting on the chair outside the principal's office, stiffened by her mother’s voice and immediately crossed her arms. Rey stands in front of her, exhausted and tired. She had to leave in the middle of work once she got the call from Mrs. Holdo. God knows if her café hasn’t burned to the ground yet. 

“Makaria, look at me,” Rey demands but the child shakes her head no. Her black locks dance with the movement. The bun Rey had done this morning is just a ponytail at this point. 

Ria finally looks up after a long silence and her dark eyes always make Rey nervous. Always makes her heart skip a beat, even if it’s her own daughter. Because it’s his eyes and when they become stormy with rage it takes her back to those times. 

But Rey’s become good at hiding her fear.

“Why did you hit that poor boy?” Rey crouch, wanting to be on the same eye level. She places her hands on Ria’s knees that’s covered with the white pantyhose. It matches the denim dress. It’s Makaria’s favorite outfit and hers too. She looks so pretty in it. “What did I tell you about hitting your classmates-” 

“I hate him! I hate all of them; they’re mean!” Makaria screams, her cute face twisting in anger and fist clenched. “They say mean things about- about-”

“What did they say?” Rey asks and it immediately silences Ria - her cheeks turning red in restraint. 

“...I don’t want to say it.” 

Rey sighs, closing her eyes. Making small, comforting circles on her daughter's knees. 

Refusing to tell often means that someone said something mean about mommy or her father. It’s not the children's fault, really. Their parents love to gossip, glance at Rey during parent’s meetings and ask with feigning curiosity where her husband is. Rey had blurted out in annoyance, after the fourth time someone asked, that the father isn’t present in her or the children’s life. 

Suddenly everyone knew that Rey’s “husband” is in prison. 

They don’t seem to know who he is, but they know somehow and it has now led to this. The fact that Makaria is unable to control her emotions isn’t helping either. She’s a ball of eternal rage and has no problem punching and screaming. She’s eight years old and way too strong. 

“You don’t have to say it,” Rey explains, standing up. “Let’s go get your brother. He hasn’t had a great day today either.” 

When Rey puts out her hand for her daughter to grab, Makaria ignores her open palm and walks past. It always feels like a stab in the heart, because Rey knows that mommy’s love isn’t what Makaria wants. 

 

 

 

When Rey opens the classroom after knocking gently, she almost falls the way her son jumps on her. 

“Mommy!” Ben cries, hugging her legs and weeping into her thighs. Tears and snot sticking to her jeans. “Mommy, mommy!” 

When Ben first started elementary school, it was always a panic seeing her son cry and hug her frantically with big drops across his cheeks. Rey always assumed the worst, hugged him back, and cooed like a worried hen. It made her heart break watching her son cry and she thought it was something wrong with the class at first - just like Makaria's class. 

But his classmates are so good to him and the reasons for his sorrow are delicate things. Rey always seems to forget that her son is a huge crybaby and a mommy’s boy. So the constant calls from his teacher equalize the principal's scolding; it’s normality by now. 

“Ben, dear,” Rey sighs, dragging her fingers through his brown hair in a comforting manner. The teacher, who was busy helping a student, hurries to the door. “What happened?” 

“Ben was playing with his friends out on the schoolyard when they saw a little bird by the fence; it was hurt and by the time I got there it passed away.” 

The recap causes Ben to cry louder and his classmates are unbothered by the weeping by now. Continuing painting around the table with watercolors. 

“Mommy, why did it have to die?!” Ben cries. “Why?!” 

Rey picks him up and cradles him to her chest. Even if he’s seven and heavy, it always calms him. Rey is willing to sacrifice her back for her son’s happiness. 

“Bye, Ben!” All his classmates sing in union once they leave and Ben waves bye with a sob, cheek resting on Rey’s shoulder. 

 

 

 

Rey doesn’t remember when she just stopped thinking of him in that way . She doesn’t remember when she decided to let go of the past. Let go of constantly thinking about her childhood, of him in a romantic way, of counting the years he would be released. 

It was probably somewhere between raising the children and running the café that she finally let go, of her stressful life as a single mother. 

“There is so much to do,” Rey had complained to her therapist a few months ago, sighing and scratching her head. “Makaria is starting elementary school this year and Ben is just so sad because of that so he just keeps crying, but I’ve already told him that next year he’ll start elementary school with his sister too. And oh, I also need to start training the new workers; it’s harder than I thought!”

Kaydel Ko Connix had only smiled then, as professional as always, yet Rey could notice an ounce of proudness. “I see that you're only focusing on the future nowadays.” 

Rey had stilled, completely dumbfounded. In other words, Dr. Ko Connix meant that she was finished. She’s healed. There is no reason to attend therapy anymore. It also felt right when Rey quit. It was the last thing she had to do before she could fully get back to a normal life.

She just stopped focusing on the past. No, not focusing. Yearning for the past. She stopped yearning for his touch, his presence, his toxic love. 

Now, the only thing Rey yearns for is a family. A complete, real family. And that dream isn’t bad in any sort of way nor toxic and self-harming. It’s a good thing to wish for, Rey realizes with a smile. It may even be close to becoming a truth. 

“So,” Rose sings through the speaker, in a way that makes Rey roll her eyes with a smug smile. “Tell me, how are things going with you and Snap?” 

It had been yet another day at the Jakku Café when a man who called himself Snap ordered a coffee. When Rey had tried to ask about his preference for milk and sugar, the man had simply stared at her until his face brightened. Excusing himself because he just couldn’t help staring since Rey was so pretty. 

The compliment had made her blood turn into ice and Rey hated it. Hated the thought of a man seeing her as a woman. With a strained nod, she once again asked if he wanted milk in the coffee. Letting the subject go. But the man came every day thereafter and it took weeks before Rey acknowledged his shy smiles and embarrassed gesture as something nice and not threatening . Rey is so used to the destruction that the thought of someone wanting her with good intentions felt alien. 

“You deserve it,” Finn had said over the phone when Rey called. Snap had asked her on a date and it scared her to death. " You deserve to be loved."

Rey does. She really does. 

“Everything is the same,” Rey reports back, cutting the carrot into tiny pieces and then wiping her hands on the cloth hanging over her shoulder. “Nothing has happened since you last called.” 

“Come on! Nothing? ” 

Rey bites her lip, debating with herself whether she’ll tell or not. In the end, Rey takes a step back, making sure her children are distracted. They’re in the living room, the TV on some kid’s show but the siblings are both on the floor, toys scattered around them and flying in the air. At least they’re distracted.

Rey clears her throat before whispering into her phone. Cheeks on fire. “I’m thinking about doing it. With him.” 

“...No way.” 

“Yes way.”

“Seriously? Are you ready?” 

Snap and Rey have been dating for about a year now; it’s only natural that they would be doing it by now. But every time they’ve gone further than kissing, Rey freezes up and starts to hyperventilate. It’s just that… as soon as his hand starts to wander, it feels like they’re his . Like they’re going towards her throat, ready to choke her. Ready to cut her air off then whisper against her cheek of all the things he would do to punish her. 

Snap panics and apologizes every time, then brings her a cup of calming tea. He has never asked or pushed the topic further, but Rey has still tried to explain out of respect. 

“The children’s father…” Rey had tried but the thought of his terror had made her voice shaky. The tea in her hand trembled. “He… He used to…”

“It’s okay,” Snap had said with a comforting smile, grabbing her hand. “I suspected something like that. I’m sorry that it happened to you; we’ll take this at your pace.” 

That had been several months ago and now, she feels ready. Snap is a good man. He’s nice with the kids and always tells her how he would love to be a father. He respects her and the children in every possible way. What more does Rey need? 

“I am!” Rey says determinedly. “I want this relationship to be serious. Ben likes him and Makaria… I’ll have to talk to her some more.”

“Rey,” Rose sighs. “It’s good that the kids like him, but do you?” 

“Of course I do!” Rey exclaims, cutting the veggies faster. “Why else would I-”

“Do you like him as a man? Or do you like him as a father?” 

Rey stills, eyes wide and the knife mid-way into the carrot.

A sudden, familiar scream causes Rey to jump startled.

“Mommy!” 

Rey throws the knife against the cutting board and runs toward the living room. Her son is on the ground with both hands on his cheek, massive tears already running down his face. Makaria hovers over her brother with hands in fists. Her eyes are red and wet too, but she’s angry. The situation is easy to read and Rey is shocked. 

“Makaria!” Rey screams, immediately sitting down to hug her Ben and the boy clings to her body like octopus tentacles. “What are you doing!? Why did you hit your brother?”

Makaria has no hesitation in hitting and screaming at her classmates whenever they say something mean but she had never done so to her brother. Ria loves Ben with all her heart, always protecting him from whatever harms his delicate heart. Whenever it’s bullies or scary bugs. 

“He says stupid things!” Ria screams, so loud that the walls shake, but Ben screams louder. 

“I did not!” 

“Yes, you did!” 

God, why are her children's voices so strong? 

“Ben, tell me what you said that made your sister so mad,” Rey tries, pushing his luscious brown hair from his eyes, clinging to the salty water. His lower lips wobble, hazel eyes cartoon-wide.  “Come on, you can tell mommy,” Rey smiles, encouraging him to speak. It doesn’t seem like he wants to say, but Ben is his mother’s boy. He always tells mom the truth. “I won’t be mad.”

“I s-said that I hate daddy.” 

Rey's smile dies. 

“I hate him,” Ben cries, tears arising. “Every time Ria asks about daddy, mommy cries...” 

Rey’s heart clenches painfully, a shaky inhale leaving her lungs. Oh, God. 

“I hate daddy for hurting mommy.” The boy throws himself over Rey and hugs her hard. As if she’ll disappear any second. “I hate daddy!” 

“I hate you, Ben!” Makaria cries, and Rey can only stare as her daughter flips out. Drops run down her dark eyes. They’re so dark. 

“Makaria…” Rey whispers, feeling empty inside. She doesn’t know what to say. What to do. Moments like this feel hopeless. 

“And I hate mommy the most!” She screams, eyes clenched. “I want my daddy!” 

Then Makaria runs to their bedroom and locks herself in. Slamming the door behind. 

 

 

 

Rey sighs, inhaling the steamy air through her nose and wiping the foggy mirror in front of her. She’s wrapped in a fluffy towel, another around her hair, and she’s about to put on this mask Finn has been yabbering about. He swears by it and she understands why. It smells like mint. It’s refreshing. 

It’s not often she does self-care but on shitty days like this, it makes the day a little less shitty. And Rey knows after that big fight in the living room, there will be no sleep for her. There never is when they talk about him. At least the children are sleeping now that it’s ten PM. 

The three of them are all sleeping in one bed. Ben can’t sleep without mommy, his arms around her neck throughout the whole night, and Makaria doesn’t want to admit that she’s too scared to sleep alone. It's better that way - Rey needs to see and have them by her side constantly or she'll get nightmares. 

Rey is about to open the cabinet when she stops, staring at herself in the mirror. It’s rare for her to do so, especially on days when she feels so down. Because she starts to inspect every inch of her skin - panics over non-existent wrinkles and illusions of gray slings of hair.  

Then those thoughts kick in.

How many years have passed by? How did the time pass so fast? Is she still beautiful? Would he still think she’s beautiful? He said that he likes young girls. She isn’t that 20-year-old teenager anymore. She’s 27 for God's sake! No, she has gained weight around her hips and her breasts are covered in stretch marks, and oh god, is that a wrinkle? It really is a wrinkle, right on her forehead-

Rey slams the cabinet shut, meeting the sight of her horrified, pale, complexion. Tears start to bubble up and she tries to think of Snap but his face blurs and someone else takes over. Someone with empty and soulless eyes, blood on his hands, and a smirk that is so terrifying it makes one want to die in terror. 

Rey hiccups, her trembling hands exposing the scar on her hips. She never looks at it and if the children ask she pretends she didn’t hear. It’s a parasite that sucks her energy whenever it’s exposed to her eyes, but she needs to see it. See what he did to her. 

The letters are as visible as ever. Brutal and honest. Rey chuckles humorless, tears falling down her face. 

Ben is right; she does cry every time daddy is brought up. 

 

 

 

Makaria is not in a great mood. 

A stupid idiot in her class opened his mouth again, mocking her daddy for being in prison and that he’s a bad man. Ria doesn’t bother to try and explain that her daddy isn’t a bad man (he really isn’t!). She just punches him in the face and waits for the teacher to scold her with crossed arms. 

But today, when the stupid idiot mocked her, Ria didn’t punch him. Yesterday mommy got yelled at by the mean principal and then she heard mommy cry last night. It’s not her fault that Ben is such a poop and saying poop things about daddy. 

But maybe Ria felt a bit guilty for saying that she hates mommy…

So she didn’t punch stupid idiot during recess. No, she simply went inside the corridors, took her and Ben’s backpacks, and went back outside again. She found Ben playing with his friends by the sandbox. That’s where all the babies play. Ben’s red raincoat is on, so it’s easy to spot him with a shovel in the wet sand. Ria has the same one, but bigger size. It looks like he’s trying to make a castle but it’s pretty much a sandhill. 

“Ben,” she calls and Ben looks up. He lights up and throws his shovel, runs toward his sister, and almost trips over his rubber boots. 

“Ria,” he laughs, hugging her hard. His nose is red and the light rain has made the hairs around his face wet. “I ate chocolate pudding after lunch - I got the last one!” 

“No way?” Ria gasps, but then she remembers that she’s mad and she can’t get distracted by pudding. “No! We are going home. I hate it here. Everyone is mean and stupid!”  

“Home? But…” Ben asks, confused. Throwing a glance over his shoulder. He wants to continue playing in the sandbox. “How?” 

“We walk to the bus stop.” Ria looks around, wiping her running nose and looking for an exit. She thinks there is an opening in the fence behind the building. “And jump on a bus.”

“But- But won’t mommy get angry?” As Ben worries, Ria puts his backpack on him and then her own. “And the teachers will see-”

“No, they won’t. Let’s go!”

Ria grabs him by the arm and runs towards the back of the school where no one plays. There is only grass and worms to pick on, which is kinda boring. Ria looks behind and sure enough, no teacher has noticed them gone from the sea of children jumping in puddles and throwing balls. They both got their cape on so they’re pretty much invisible. 

Ben is already on the verge of crying once they’re past the fence. 

“I don’t-” Ben sobs, refusing to walk any further down the road that leads them directly to the bus stop. There is nothing around them but the forest. “I- Mommy-”

Ria huffs, annoyed. Ben doesn’t move, how much she tries tugging his arm. “Ugh! Stop being such a crybaby!” 

“I’m not a crybaby,” Ben cries, tears and snot already running down his cheeks. But he doesn’t resist when Ria keeps dragging him down the empty road this time. 

“Good. Then stop crying and-”

“Hello, children.” 

The siblings gasp loudly and turn toward the source of the sound. By the lonely road there is a bench and on that bench sits an old man, smoking a cigarette. All alone. 

Makaria is scared, but she immediately hugs her shaking brother and raises her head in defiance. Ben is frozen against her, staring with wide eyes. 

Where did this man come from and why is he talking to them? Mommy always says that you don’t talk to strangers and if strangers talk to you, they’re bad. The stranger looks bad. He’s wearing a suit and everything is black. Like a supervillain. Shoes, tie, and even his hair - a bit gray too. It’s a bit long, but it’s in a bun. Ria has the same bun, but three. 

“W-who are you?” Makaria asks because the stranger looks at them like he knows who they are. He has scary eyes and a scary smile. She watched Batman several times; he reminds her of the Joker, but calm. 

“You don’t recognize me?” The man stands up and he’s really big. The cigarette in his hands falls to the ground and becomes smush under his sole. “I guess it’s not that odd; you were only a few months old when your mother left me.”

Makaria froze in place and now she’s really scared - for a whole different reason than before. The old man mentioned mommy. Her heart is beating super fast and she should run towards school with Ben on her back since it seems like he’s too scared to run. But Ria can’t help but ask one more time. 

“Who are you?” 

“Who am I?” The man smirks, tilting his head playfully then looking them both in their terrified eyes. “I am your father.”