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i want to try again

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HiMERU could feel his heart thumping out of his chest, wondering how long it would take to regain all that energy back. He wondered why his group’s leader would make them do complicated dances while performing. It was four in the morning, and the nightclub was now deserted. Their self-proclaimed manager Ibara Saesuga was supposed to be the one driving them home, but even the man can’t always be relied on all the time.

Rinne clapped his hands, an excited yet exhausted sound came out of him like the hit group Crazy:B was just starting their performance again.

“That’s a wrap! Phew, all these gigs are killing it with the amount of people we gathered at the club!” Rinne was just as annoying as ever, yet his enthusiasm was what brought Crazy:B to their fame.

“We still need to catch a taxi home, ya know.” Kohaku reminded the red-haired, taking a sip out of his water bottle. “Anyhow. HiMERU-han, what time are ya leavin’?”

HiMERU’s job was… okay for the most part. He didn’t expect to end up joining Rinne’s group who only performed live concerts at nightclubs and whatever Saegusa can rub his hands upon to get them famous. It worked, surprisingly. HiMERU was now living a life of fame, as Crazy:B became known for their rebellious nature and even controversy. Well, HiMERU prefers to not get into that. Besides all the kerfuffle though, HiMERU was a successful “idol” only his former classmates can dream of becoming. But with all that fame, came with HiMERU’s first world problems.

“HiMERU does not know. He will possibly have to fetch a taxi to come pick him up, or take the public transport back home.” HiMERU responded back to Kohaku, a bit restless from jumping around and almost gaining another injury again. “In a few minutes though, HiMERU will be done packing up and will leave you three to be.”

His bandmate Niki could only pout at that honest statement. “Aww, HiMERU-kun! C’mon, why don’t you come with us? We can have an early breakfast, cooked by yours truly!”

“HiMERU declines the offer, considering how you and Rinne are constantly bickering nowadays.”

Rinne’s eyebrows furrowed, “Hey! Don’t bring that up, Merumeru! At least I don’t change the topic over the mention of my ex-boyfriend!”

Niki immediately nudged Rinne’s shoulder angrily, a signal for him to stop, Kohaku is also now a bit surprised by this sudden action. Actually, HiMERU doesn’t care anymore that his ex-boyfriend was suddenly brought up. It does get annoying though, having that brief moment of flashbacks relating to how happy you were being with the love of your life.

“HiMERU is going to leave, see you all tomorrow.” And so with that, HiMERU quietly exited the nightclub. Rinne can’t tell if he’s angry or not, but even his half-assed apology gained no response. He does feel bad, even a few hours after the incident.

The streets were still emptied, with the exception of a few who were either going to work or just coming back from a day partying all night. HiMERU could tell from his observations around him who’s the responsible working class adult. Realistically though, the majority of working class adults would be drinking after work. HiMERU doesn’t care, whatever. He needs to go home - and despite the long hour walk to his apartment, HiMERU’s stubbornness would only get worse if he was to catch the train home.

HiMERU could feel the cold breeze hit his face, even when he was wearing three layers of clothing. He wished for maybe a nice hot cup of coffee, but his main priority was going home, so he frowned at how many coffee shops he had walked past. They were all closed anyway, but oh how HiMERU could just relive that memory of him and his beloved sharing some coffee and a slice of his favourite type of cake, as his eyes become crescents that HiMERU could fall in love all over again-

He quickly shakes his head, wanting to slap himself for thinking of such a memory. HiMERU wasn’t going to think about it longer, not when he’s trying to get home as quickly as possible.

Those stupid crescents can be forgotten easily - HiMERU would convince himself, fastening his walking pace. Every passerby is meaningless, and every bright advertisement that was related to him became a blur in HiMERU’s eyes. Those movie posters and picture-perfect model photos are nothing but a distraction he wished he could forget and just saw as an idol who Ibara’s connections are related to.

He sees his face plastered on the billboards from a nearby bus stop, or the bright digital screen advertisements that showed off how amazing of an actor this man could be. Every-time HiMERU tries to forget, that man he used to love would slowly crawl back into his life. Even his colleagues at his group’s label Cosmic Production - he can hear the whispers of a familiar name by the various idols that HiMERU doesn’t care to remember.

But who cares, HiMERU thought. He’s successful, so what if his ex boyfriend was doing well-off, even more so than the rest of Crazy:B combined? HiMERU wanted to kick the pole right in front of him, out of frustration (and rightfully so). He now stopped by a park, and there is something familiar about the place.

It wasn’t as beautiful as it was before, probably because it’s winter and HiMERU was practically freezing to death. But still, it made his heart warm up, knowing that it wasn’t forgotten by the common folk. Mainly those were taking a stroll, though one pair in particular stuck out to HiMERU. A stranger found themselves huddled up against their lover, who’s scarf is also wrapped around the lover’s neck. HiMERU could only describe this moment as heart-warming, as the said lover planted a surprise kiss on the cheek for them - a bright red tomato face slowly grew, and their lover happily smiling back.

HiMERU is reminded of a similar memory - a flashback appeared of his beloved as HiMERU was being taken into a sea full of cherry blossom trees and its flowers slowly falling underneath them. His beloved was still beautiful to this day, but it does not compare to when they were still away from that dream of theirs. Promises were supposed to be fulfilled once that dream was achieved, but it seemed like winter had come early for the most part.

If HiMERU could recall, this route would also lead to his apartment block. He sighed out of relief, he couldn’t wait to go home and forget about everything that happened in the last hour or so. If HiMERU could, he would’ve told Ibara right at this second that he would quit-

“Ah! I’m so sorry, are you-”

HiMERU had to back away for a moment to see if he was dreaming or whatnot. When he took a few steps away from the stranger, it was no longer a stranger to his eyes. Technically they were (HiMERU wishes), but this was no ordinary salaryman.

The vest this stranger wore still had the same fragrant smell and the sewed up buttons as HiMERU would remember them having to be tidied up. A wool-lined coat that now felt worn out to HiMERU’s dismay, the same one he had gifted as a Christmas present for him. He wondered if this stranger had forgotten who gave this coat to him, as he grew famous so did his friends and acquaintances list. The stranger froze for a moment, unable to comprehend who was in front of him. He looked almost flustered by the sight, but didn't say a word after their encounter.

“... Kazehaya Tatsumi.”

“Kaname Toujou.”

So he wasn’t dreaming.

Tatsumi appeared to have been also taking his morning walks at the park, wanting to have some time alone before he could head to the filming location.

HiMERU wanted nothing to do with Tatsumi after they had broken up though, hoping that he would slowly get over the memories they have shared together. Unfortunately, those memories kept coming back no matter how hard HiMERU tried to ignore it. Earlier, he couldn’t even enjoy the peace and quiet he got from walking home alone. All he received in return was the plastered face of Tatsumi, one he wished he never saw again. Eventually he had to come to terms with him again, whether HiMERU liked it or not.

“It’s been a while since we last met.” Tatsumi started off, a soft toned voice that couldn’t even hurt a fly. HiMERU had forgotten how angelic he sounded when speaking. “Shall we walk together?”

HiMERU would’ve said no, right off the bat.

But his heart is telling him that this was an opportunity to reconnect with his former lover. Not the best way to reunite by bumping into each other while the other was in his thoughts, but HiMERU does need to consider that chance to reconcile with the person he loved for years until their initial breakup.

And then he noticed Tatsumi wearing a bracelet - the same one that HiMERU had also gifted to him for Valentine's Day in particular. HiMERU wasn’t sure why he and Tatsumi were all that romantic for three whole years of being together, but it did make him smile a little just by looking at how the golden heart pendant shined despite sunlight not being present. Tatsumi is adorable, HiMERU can’t lie to himself that he’s not.

Maybe Rinne was right, HiMERU needed to stop ignoring the fact that Tatsumi was still a part of his life. Forcing himself to forget about him was doing more harm than good, and HiMERU needed to change that.

So for once, he broke through that stubbornness Rinne had always complained about during practice. And for once, HiMERU could thank Rinne for making him realise that part of him needed to change.

“Kazehaya, HiMERU would not mind going for a walk together. Besides, it’s nice to reconnect with someone that has changed HiMERU for the better.”

Tatsumi would not stop smiling after HiMERU had accepted his invitation, and HiMERU doesn’t want to forget the smile and laughter that he cherished from Tatsumi.