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A Liar and a Coward

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„You know, I did, once. A long time ago.”

“What did you?”

“Love you.”

Kara looked at the girl that sat across her at the table. The restaurant around them was busy with costumers and waiters kept running from table to table. She didn’t dare to breath, feeling as though the world might just combust at any move she’d make.

Green eyes flickered behind dim candle light and the sorrow that Kara had tried to ignore was now obvious to everyone that stopped to take a closer look. The alien finally let her lungs fill with air once more. Against all expectations, no flames erupted from the depths of earth to drag her down to some hell she refused to believe in.

No, instead everything stayed the same. The people around them simply kept going on, as if Lena hadn’t just revealed the last secret. The most important secret of all. Kara felt her chest ache at the chance she had lost. But now they were here. Six years later. One of them married, one still alone. So much had changed in such a short amount of time and Kara thought that she could never manage to explain exactly why, even if she wanted to.

It was too much and too little all at once. What mattered was, that Lena had left with James. And that Kara had stayed. And that she had been at their wedding, holding the hand of a smart little girl named Esme who just happened to be Lena’s goddaughter. They weren’t who they had been once and Kara loathed the fact that they didn’t even talk anymore.

Not really at least.

There used to be long nights spend chatting over the phone, movie nights, game nights, lunches and so on. Now there was a text written once every month to cote both of them in the illusion that they still existed in each other’s lives.

Kara knew that it was her fault. She had lied. She had been a damn fool to not tell Lena- her best friend in the entire world, that she was Supergirl. But she had been young and scared and struggling with things, she to this day couldn’t explain to anyone. And it had cost her the most precious relationship she had ever had. The one relationship in which she had dared to be no one but Kara, with no expectations set in stone and a future with endless possibilities.

But things change and they had, much to her dismay.

James and Lena had come back to National City once again for the five year wedding anniversary of Alex and Kelly. Kara wasn’t sure if she was glad that they had come back. She had missed them both, yes but she couldn’t help but to feel a fierce flame of jealousy rise in her stomach each time that she saw the two of them together. And now Lena had told her this. After years that they had spent apart. Now she told her. Now that it was far too late.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I felt silly taking such a risqué for someone who was most definitely too good for me.”

Kara shook her head. “You know very well that that isn’t true.”

Lena’s lips drew up into a smile and the alien wasn’t sure if it was malicious or sentimental.

“I really should by now. Especially after that last revelation.” She swirled the wine glass in her hands, the dark liquid coating the thin walls red. “But still I can’t bring myself to see you as anything other than that horrid angel that swept into my life and changed everything.” She took a sip. “That is perhaps the worst thing you’ve done to me. That no matter how hard I try, I just cannot seem to hate you.”

Kara wasn’t sure why, but this made her feel worse than before. She sighed.

“For what it’s worth, if anything at all-“, she nervously intertwined her hands with one another. “-I did love you too.”

Lena chuckled. “Then maybe that just means we’re both pathetic.” Her right hand was still holding the glass of wine while the other rested gracefully against the table counter. “A liar and a coward. I must admit, we would have made quiet the pair.”

“Maybe that’s what we are, maybe that’s who we were. It isn’t important anymore. What matters is who we’ll be.” Kara straightened her back and let her eyes rest on the shadow of the ever dancing flame. “And I hope that you will be happy.”

“Whatever makes you think that I am not happy now?”

The alien gave her a smile. “Because even after everything that has happened, I loved you and you loved me and I know what you look like when you are happy. It makes the entire world want to get up and sing. And that’s not the you sitting across from me right now.”

The CEO faltered against her chair. “If you just hadn’t lied, Kara Danvers, do you know what we could have had?”

“Yes.” She let the word echo from the walls and surround them, till it laid between them, thick and bittersweet.

“I might still be a liar though.”

Lena’s eyebrow perched up at that. “Well what’s one more in the grand scheme of things. Care to share?”

“Earlier, when I said I had loved you, I lied.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I still do and I’m afraid that my heart will never understand that it lost the chance to love you as it wishes.”

Lena chuckled. “Then we might both be liars.”

“Is that so?”, Kara wondered.

“Yes.”

Blue eyes wandered to a golden ring shimmering against pale skin. “And still we are pathetic, aren’t we?”

“I’m afraid so.”, Lena answered, whispering against the busy chaos of the restaurant.

“At least now every secret has been uncovered. Shouldn’t that give us some peace?”
Kara knew that it wouldn’t. No matter how much she tried, whatever this was would never be enough.

Twenty minutes later they found themselves outside the restaurant.

“My hotel is that way.”, Lena said, pointing to the right. Kara nodded, perching her thumb to the left.
“My flat’s still midtown.”

They started walking away from each other, as they had done so many times. Kara didn’t look back. Didn’t turn around. Didn’t dare to make herself hope for Lena to return her longing.

Suddenly a scream echoed from across the street.

“I love you, Kara Danvers.”

Kara smiled up to the streetlights that would be guiding her home. Without turning around she answered: “I love you too, Lena Luthor.”

And with that they both walked away. A liar and a coward, not who they had once been but still entirely the same.