Matteo was pushed roughly against the door of a random bedroom at a party of an upper classmate’s house that he doesn’t know. He manages to open the door behind him without breaking the kiss, David has one hand holding the nape if his neck and the other on his hip pushing him further into the room. As soon as the door is shut David pressed him against the wall, he tastes like cigarettes and alcohol. While kissing down his neck, sucking a hickey into his skin he unbuckles Matteo’s belt and shoves his jeans down to his ankles, “Shit. We all knew you were part vampire.” His hand now on the back of David’s head who look up, “I like you a lot more when you’re not talking.” Matteo just smiles and kisses him biting down on David bottom lip who hums. Then goes back to kissing down Matteo’s neck, his hand slowly running down Matteo’s torso and stops just above his boxers. David can feel his hard on against his thigh, “Fuck. Will you- Ooh-“ David drops to his knees, pull Matteo’s boxers down and takes him in his mouth. His hands fall on David’s head trying to hold himself up. David grips Matteo’s hip tightly digging his slightly into the skin, that will probably leave bruises later. “I- I’m... fuck.” Matteo’s head falls against the wall behind him. Breathing heavy, “Shit.” He whispers. When he opens his eyes, David is standing in front of him, he grabs his shirt pulling him closer kissing him, its wet and messy. He creeps his hands up David’s shirt to just below his binder, “Lemme do something for you.” David then jerks away from him. He fixes his shirt, runs his hands through his hair and leaves slamming the door without saying anything. “Jesus.” Matteo groans pulling up his boxers and jeans up buckling his belt. By the time he leaves the room David is nowhere to be seen.
“Luigi! Dude, where the fuck did you go?” When he enters back into the main room. Jonas walks up behind him wrapping arm around his shoulders shaking him a little, “Come on, you gotta see Abdi making a fool of himself in front this new girl. It’s hilarious.”
“Looking for the bathroom.” He says, y’know like a liar, “and I think I’m going to go home.” He doesn’t want to be here anymore. The music is too loud now, and he can’t think.
“Already? We just got here.”
“Jonas, we’ve been here for 2 hours.”
“Yeah,” He smiles, “We’ve got a whole night ahead of us.”
Matteo shrugs, “I’ll text you tomorrow, okay.”
“Get home safe, my love!” Jonas hugs him stumbling a little into him. It’s more like he just bumps into him than gives him a hug. Matteo nods grabs his jacket from the hook and heads outside. Its nearing the end of March but, it’s still relatively cold. He zips his coat and stuffs his hands in his pocket on his walk home. When he unlocks the door to the apartment all the lights are out.
“Hello!” He calls out as he walks through the door, hanging up his jacket. “Nice.” Walking into kitchen, looking around in the fridge for something to eat. He ends up making Pasta alla Luigi. When he’s sitting on the couch in their living room eating pasta out of the pot that he made it in. He’s looking at David’s Instagram. He doesn’t know what happened between them. He thought they had something good but that changed when a video of David arguing with his gym teacher Mr. Neuhaus about his grade and testing got spread around. When Matteo tried to go over to talk to him, he pushed him and ran out of the building. After that he stopped answering Matteo’s messages and started to ignore him. That was until tonight, it was the first time they had done anything in months. Matteo has never been more confused. He never deleted any of David’s messages. He finds himself rereading the last one David had sent him.
I’m not into you.
It didn’t make sense. There was no way David didn’t feel anything during those two and a half months. He had to, at least enough to be able to tell him that he’s trans. Things had been wonderful. It was easy. David was the reason that he came out to friends. He never said David’s name to anyone. It was like they had their own world that was just them and Matteo has no idea what happened to make It fall apart.
He hears the door open,
“Why aren’t you listening to me!”
“I don’t understand what your even talking about!”
Matteo looks behind the couch as Mia and Alex storm past him. Not even acknowledging that he’s there and going into Mia’s room that she shares with Lin when things with Alex are bad. Which apparently is now. Matteo puts the pot in the kitchen sink.
Laying on his bed looking at the ceiling. What happened today? He wants to try and message David, but he knows he won’t answer. It’s not like he can ask Sara or Leonie. Sara hasn’t spoken to him since he broke up with her and Leonie hate him for that same reason. He’ll admit that he didn’t go about the entire relationship in the best way, but he just needs answers.
Walking into school that following Monday felt like a fever dream. Everything was so normal but so not at the same time. Abdi and Carlos were talking about something that happened with a girl at the party that happened that Friday. After Matteo had left apparently there was a bunch of college girls or something that showed up. Matteo really doesn’t care.
“Hey? Luigi. You good dude?” He snaps back into reality when Jonas calls him. Thank God, they didn’t mention the hickey on his neck. He saw it this morning and tried to cover it with some of Mia’s make up but failed and just gave up.
“Huh? Oh, yeah... fine.” Jonas doesn’t seem convinced but doesn’t say anything. He sees David from across the hall stuffing his gym bag in his locker. He starts to walk over when Jonas grabs him by his shoulders, “Come on. We’ve got math.”
He sees David again when walking to his Spanish class. He looks at him and David looks back they make eye contact for a split second then David looks away and passes him looking at the floor. They kept almost running into each other all day until Matteo takes initiative and waits outside his gym class. As David leaves Matteo grabs him upper arm and pulls him to the stairwell. David looks around confused until realizes that its him, his face changes and his jaw locks. He tried to walk away when Matteo’s grabs him wrist again, “Please. Can we please talk. Just for a second.”
“What.” It’s not a question its like he trying to challenge him.
“What to mean ‘what’. The party that’s what.”
“Nothing happened at the party. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bullshit. I know you know.”
“And what about it?”
“Nothing happened, Matteo. It was a mistake.” He says it slowly like he knows its going to hurt him. Then he walks away. Leaving Matteo even more confused in the middle of stairwell. He stays there for a few seconds until he hears people coming up the stairs and continues walking, where? He doesn’t know just not here.
A mistake. A mistake. He called it a mistake. Matteo doesn’t know what to do. That couldn’t have been a mistake. He wasn’t that drunk and he knows David didn’t drink anything that night. Not that he was aware of David the entire night, he’s just observant.
Matteo ends up going home early, not showing up to his last class. He watches the boys text him in the group chat.
Yo, Matteo. Where’d you go?
Have you guys seen Luigi?
I think he skipped last period.
He doesn’t answer, just turns his phone off. He starts pacing around his room.
A mistake. A mistake. A mistake.
He doesn’t know when he started crying but his eyes sting and he can’t breathe. He rubs his face over and over trying to stop himself from crying more but it doesn’t work. He paces around his room again almost making himself dizzy. Grabbing his headphones and the bag of weed Abdi left here last week he goes to the balcony. He puts his headphones on and rolls one joint then another and another until the bag is empty. He throws the bag on the ground he groans, frustrated. Then he sits there in a lawn chair looking up at the sky, it’s dark now. He doesn’t know how long he’s been out here. When he turns his phone back on. He has more messages from the group chat and private messages from Jonas and Hanna asking where he is and if he’s okay. He has a missed call from Jonas and his mother. He doesn’t call either of them back and barely reads any of the messages. He just texts Jones: I’m okay. My phone died, sorry. Jonas answers almost immediately, It’s okay. We were worried. You’re home, right?
Yeah, I am don’t worry. I think Hans is here too. I’m not alone
He likes Matteo’s message and doesn’t answer. He sighs dropping his phone on his chest. Ripping the headphones off. He stays there for a few minutes. Well, he doesn’t know how much longer he stays. He never bothered to check the time. When he walks inside to his room, he sees how much of a mess it is. He starts to pick it up when Hans opens his bedroom door,
“Butterfly! Your home. Jonas messaged me to see if you were okay. Are you feeling alright?”
Matteo nods, “Yeah, uh my phone died. I’ve been home the whole time. Just on the balcony.”
“Do want help picking up?”
Matteo shakes his head, “No I’m good.”
Hans just nods sympathetically and closes Matteo’s door. He got most of the trash, old food and beer bottles out. He got two loads of laundry done and made his bed. When he finally checks the time it’s 3 am. He’s been up for 21 hours and he’s not even tired. He feels like he can run a marathon. Well, maybe not a marathon but definitely to the convenient store down the street. He decides to take a shower and change his clothes, there’s no point in trying to go bed now.
Somehow he finds himself on Sara’s Instagram. Scrolling through her posts he sees the photo of her Leonie and David. He never liked the post. It feels wrong to now. Especially after what happened.
Hey Sara, you don’t have to answer to this at all and I know it’s late but I just wanted to say that I’m sorry how things happened between us. I really should have just talked to you and that I wasn’t in the right headspace to be in a relationship. It wasn’t you. You were a great girlfriend but that was the problem, you were a girl. You don’t need to respond to this but I just wanted to say it.
He isn’t sure what made him send the message in the first place but he feels a little better. Like a weight that he didn’t know was there had been lifted. Whether or not she accepts his apology is up to her. He really doesn’t need her to but just having him send it, mostly for himself. That she knows that it wasn’t her fault.
I’m not into you
He really needs to stop looking at David’s messages, he should just delete his number all together but he can’t. Especially now, after what happened at the party.
David actively avoids Matteo until they’re stuck next to each other at Sam’s birthday party. Sam is doing some bad karaoke with Mia and Amira. Abdi is trying to flirt with the poor bartender. Carlos and Kiki are somewhere, and Jonas and Hanna are just talking at the bar. And Matteo and David sitting awkwardly next to each other. Matteo finishes his beer and gets up, “I need to go the bathroom”
He has his hand on the door handle when it opens suddenly and his steps back a little, startled. David freezes, they’re so close to each other that Matteo can feel him breathing. They don’t say anything as Matteo takes David by the bottom of his shirt and pulls him into the bathroom. Moving quickly into the handicap stall. He presses David against the wall of the bathroom David pulls him by the nape of his neck into a kiss like the one’s they used to have on Matteo’s bed late at night. Ones where everything was perfect. Like they were the only two people in the world. It’s slow and soft, Matteo kisses down his jaw and neck, his hands undoing his belt at the same time. Before Matteo goes to kneel down David kisses him hard making Matteo let go of David belt bringing his hands to cup David’s face. David still has one hand holding onto his neck and the other around his waist. Matteo breathes in sharply, “Do you want me to suck you off or not?” He asks kissing down David’s neck again.
“Fuck.” David covers his face with his hands as Matteo reaches down to his collarbone moving his T-shirt a bit and starts to suck a hickey into his skin, “Fucks not an answer.”
“Yeah. Yes, Is that good enough for you?”
“Perfect.” Matteo drops to his knees finishing undoing David’s pants pulling them and his boxers down. He kisses David’s thigh, “Spread your legs.” He only ever had done this once and it wasn’t in a public bathroom at his friend’s birthday party. David bends his knees and grabs on Matteo’s head when he starts. David mostly controlling where Matteo mouth should be, “Fuck…” Matteo’s holding David’s left leg semi-over his shoulder which gave him more room. David’s hand tightening on his hair, “Can you…” His head hit the wall of the bathroom when Matteo had slipped two fingers into his hole. He moves his fingers in a circler motion until, “Fuck, there. I’m- “David’s breathing is labored he pushes Matteo away, “Shit.”
“What did I say about talking?” David pulls his boxers and pants up, buckling his belt. Before leaving the stall, he looks at Matteo for moment. Matteo can’t tell if he regrets what happened or wants to kiss him again. But he won’t know because by the time Matteo registered David looking at him he’s gone.
I appreciate the apology. I kind of figured you were gay. I think some part of me still wanted to imagine that we could have worked. I’m sorry I yelled at you and outed you to Leonie that wasn’t cool either.
Matteo opens Sara’s message. He doesn’t answer. Honestly, he wasn’t expecting a response. He kind of forgot that Leonie was there when Sara had confronted him.
Walking into school today he promises himself that he will talk to David. Fully and truthfully talk about what happened with them before he got outed and what has been happening at parties. David can’t blame this on being drunk this time, Matteo was next to him the entire night and he didn’t have anything to drink.
He’s waiting outside David’s gym class again, “Why are you here?” David asks him annoyed. His gym bag hanging half off his shoulder. He’s sweating a little and takes a big gulp of water from his water bottle. Matteo shouldn’t be flustered by this, but he is and he can feel his face heat up as David stares at him, “Well? “
“Oh- Um.” He can’t get the words out.
“Why are you here, Matteo. I don’t wanna talk to you.”
“Just- please. We need to and you know we do.” He’s following him now. David throws his bag in his locker and turns around. His left hand is on his hips and he waves his right one in a “go ahead” motion.
“I- Well- Not here.”
“The park? After school.”
Their park, you could say they had their first date there. Matteo likes calling it their park. It was where David had come out to him, its special.
He rides bike there as fast as he can when he arrives he looks around and sits on the steps. He hasn’t been here since David stopped talking to him. He was there the night that David had sent the message. He didn’t have anywhere else to go. This is- was the only place special to him. He looks next to him when David sits down then turns looking forward, “I wasn’t expecting you to actually come.”
“Whatever to make you stop.”
“You can’t say that, not after what happened at that party and Sam’s birthday.”
David doesn’t answer just keeps looking forward ignoring Matteo stares.
“The last thing you texted me was I’m not into you. I spent so much of my time looking at that fucking message.” He shakes his head, “What the fuck happened.”
“What do you mean ‘what happened’?!” Raising his voice making even himself flinch. “This was your fault. Matteo, You were the first person I liked in a long fucking time and one that I thought I could trust.”
“You can trust me!”
“Sure.” He scoffs he’s standing up now still looking away from Matteo then spinning around. “Trust you.” He laughs while pointing at him. “Why would I trust you? I told you I was trans and few weeks later I’m outed to whole school. Why the fuck would I trust you.”
Matteo looks at him wide eyed. “You think I- David I would never do that. How low do you think of me?”
“What?” He crying a little.
“David why the fuck would I out you? I really liked you. Probably too much. I still do. What the fuck.” Matteo stands up turns around breathes in. The entire time David was ignoring was because he thought he outed him. “If you thought that why would you still hook-up with me at parties, David! Why would you give me hope that we could have something again!”
David doesn’t answer.
“HUH!” He raises his voice, “Why?” He asks quietly almost like he’s asking himself.
“I couldn’t just sto-“
“STOP WHAT!” He’s shouting now, “What were trying to stop because it sure felt like you just wanted to fuck with me!”
“YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW!” His voice breaks, “What else was I supposed to think!”
“That it wasn’t the guy that you’ve been fucking for a month!” Matteo runs hands through his hair. They’re both crying now. He swallows thickly, pointing at him, “David, you were the first guy that I ever saw something with.” He sits back down his head in his hands. “You were the reason I was ready to come out to my friends.” He whispers.
“What?” David whispers, “Matteo, I-“
“And you just left! With no reason! No explanation! Nothing!” He blows up again.
“Matteo. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- I was hurt and thought that you had told someone. I don’t- No one else knew about the meeting with Neuhaus.”
“David, it was the boys locker room. It wasn’t the most private of places.” He laughs even though its not funny. “Who would I have told. No one even knew about you.”
David looks down. He sits down next to Matteo who looks up from his lap. His face is red and blotchy from crying. David eyes are bloodshot and watery he looks at Matteo his eyes flicker down to Matteo’s lip then back up to his eyes.
“I didn’t out you, David.” He says.
“I’m – I’m sorry. I got just so in my head about everything, and you were the only one who.” He looks down dejected and whispers, “knew.”
“I got so used to putting up walls and when you broke them… I-.” He swallows. “I was so scared that something was going to happen and that I would lose you and when everything did happen it was easier to believe that you did it. It was easier to push you away.”
“And how'd that work out.” Matteo scoffs a little, “David, nothing was going to happen with me.”
“You were the only person that I was ever comfortable with enough to tell. My original plan was to move here and graduate then leave.-“
“To Detroit?” Matteo interrupts.
David laughs, his throat sore from yelling. “Then I met you you destroyed that plan the first time I saw you. I didn’t even notice the walls that I had built up started to crack until they were gone.” He wipes his face, “It didn’t truly hit me that I could have something until the first time that we slept together.”
“I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.” Matteo moves closer and grabs his hands squeezing it, “I think I love you.”
“You. I can’t after-“
“David, I still want you. I wanna go on dates, watch your stupid vamp-“
“Hey! It’s not stupid it’s a quality film.” He interrupts, he feels lighter now. Free.
“I’m. David. I.” He sighs and rubs his face. David looks over next to him. He squeezes Matteo’s hand.
“Matteo?” He looks at him. David just leans in a little and Matteo grabs onto David’s shirt and kisses him. It’s not like the hurried ones they had at parties. It was soft and passionate and real. Matteo starts smiling unable to keep the kiss.
“Stop smiling. I want to kiss you.” Matteo pulls away laughing and smiling ear to ear. He looks at David whose smiling back at him. They probably look so dumb just staring at each other but they really don’t care.
“But, I’m happy.” He pushes their foreheads together and kisses him again, “I’m happy too.” David says.
“David, do you want to be my boyfriend?” He asks quietly.
“Yeah. Yes. I do.” He kisses Matteo with every word and they sit there at their park. Happy for the first time in months.
“I think I love you too.”