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Rudolph, Räikkönen and Ricciardo:

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“Kimi! What kind of hellhole have you dragged me into?” Dan screeched after they had walked out of the car and gotten closer to the house, which turned out was surrounded by what could only be described as hellspawns of doom. He was therefore trying and failing to discreetly move so he could position himself behind the Finn. He hadn’t had the chance to be World Champion just yet and he couldn’t die before that happened.

“No hellhole, I said we were going to visit a friend of mine’s farm, and here we are.” the Finn’s monotone voice explained. Dan wasn’t really paying attention to anything except the hellspawns’ movement.

“What about the four legged hellspawns running around?” Dan asked, now completely behind Kimi. He liked standing close to his boyfriend even if Kimi would probably give him the stare of death, patent pending, if he ever uttered the phrase Kimi is my boyfriend out loud. Nevertheless it would have been nice in any other situation but this one. He could now kinda understand how Kimi felt when he had to rescue him from spiders.

“The reindeer? They aren’t dangerous,” Kimi said. Confusion could be discerned if you were as used to listening for the slight changes of tone in his voice as Dan was.

“I don’t like deer,” Dan said, trying to keep an eye on all of them at the same time, needing a couple of more eyes to be able to, but he figured they had to kill Kimi first and that would give him enough time to run up a tree to get away from them.

“And these are reindeer,” Kimi stated, pointing to the nearest one for good measure, in case Dan didn’t know how a reindeer looked. Which he did thank-you-very-much, he watched Christmas films every year.

“They are the same thing for fuck’s sake, mate!” Dan asserted, sounding more like Mark Webber than himself. Soon he’d be angrily drinking water and developing a strange obsession with samurai-quoting, hipster-twittering Spaniards.

“They are?” Kimi queried. “These are reindeer, they make great dinner,” he continued.

“I wouldn’t eat reindeer! They help Santa! I swear to everything holy that if you don’t save me from these hellspawns I will start up the which Rookie will hit Kimi during the race bet again! And you know how disastrous that got in the end.” Dan threatened while calculating how fast he could get from his hiding spot behind Kimi and to the car. He’d have to do it like the Formula E drivers’ during pit stops and run for it.

“You are my boyfriend, you wouldn’t dare,” Kimi stated, trying to walk towards one of the reindeers but being stopped by a death grip to his shirt by the Aussie, who was also frozen in his spot by Kimi actually saying the word. Had aliens invaded earth and started with Kimi? He knew those McLaren animations were too realistic to be true, did that mean that McLaren had a racetrack under their factory?

Dan tried to recover from the shock, so he could find his voice again. “Are you an alien?” he asked in awe. You had to make sure of those things, wouldn’t be fun to wake up beside Kimi and he was all green or floating or, you know, trying to eat him and not in the good way.

“No,” Kimi said matter of factly, which is exactly what an alien would say, but Dan decided to leave that discussion for another day, preferably one where he wasn’t scared for his life. For now he needed Kimi to save him from the hellspawns. Finding out if Kimi was an evil or less evil alien had to wait for later. Maybe that was why Kimi seemed to get less drunk from vodka than normal human beings. Or it could just be because he was made of ice cream, vodka and Finnish genes. Either way it was very suspicious.

“Ok, can we please go? I save you from spiders all the time, now it is your turn to repay the favour,” he pleaded.

“Daniel,” Kimi started, turning around so he could look the Australian in the eyes, “I would never let anyone hurt you, including Rudolph’s cousins,” Kimi continued, putting a hand on the Aussie’s cheek.

“If I die I will haunt you,” Dan stated, his ever present smile gone for the foreseeable future.

“We can go inside, my friend is moving the reindeer away soon,” Kimi said, catching one of Dan’s hands in his own.

“Are there any hellspawns inside?” Dan queried, as you could never be too sure. He had learnt that the hard way when he had somehow ended up skinny dipping in a freezing cold lake, no matter how much Kimi had insisted the water was 18C and not cold at all. After that experience he had learnt to actually ask Kimi to elaborate on his plans, because he was sure Kimi never said the words naked or swimming when he asked if he wanted to go to the lake with him.

“A dog,” Kimi replied, smiling.

“Can we go play with the dog!” Dan exclaimed, momentarily forgetting about the hellspawn he was surrounded by, his smile making a return with the force of a great typhoon. Great thing that Kimi was as mysterious as the dark side of the moon so they were evenly matched.

Kimi kissed Dan before taking his hands and dragging him into the house, saving him from the hellspawns of death, who probably had lasers shooting out of their eyes. No matter how much everyone denied it, Dan knew it must be so. No one would deny something that much if they had nothing to hide.

“Until Reindeer learn to open doors we are safe in here,” Kimi said as they closed the door behind them.

“Until?” Dan pretty much shouted, having left all his dignity in his other pair of pants.

“Which will be at the same time I stop being scared of your huge spiders, so don’t worry,” Kimi explained, putting his sunglasses on top of his head now that they were inside and the light wouldn’t hurt his eyes. Which again was a sign of him being an alien. Normal people didn’t need sunglasses all the time. It had nothing to do with the flashes from cameras at all, because that would be too simple an explanation.

“Don’t worry? Easy for you to say, spiders aren’t dangerous! The hellspawns, on the other hand, are!” Dan stated, gearing up to one of his rants, but getting stopped by Kimi kissing him with no intention of stopping anytime soon. Maybe they could try out this sofa too.