Work Header

Once Upon a Time: Into my Ass

Work Text:


Once Upon A Time

                In a galaxy far, far away.

                                Little Red Riding had her basket full of bread and was heading to her grandma’s house. Skipping down the path the girl felt she was being watched. Feeling her heart race faster she hurried down the path to get to granny’s house.

                The trees shook with shivering. The hills hilled. A great wind left Red Riding Hood’s bottom. She had farted.

                “DEAR SWEET JESUS,” shouted the wolf as he fell from the tree onto his face.

Little Red breathed in her fart smiling as she tasted it. “Yum” she muttered. Hearing the wolf fall she turned her head over to the sound. Screaming Little Red sharted in her pants from fear. “Shit I shit myself” the girl yelled.

“I ain’t tapping that” the wolf said “Goodbye little girl you nasty thing”. The wolf flicked his hair sassily and walked away from the girl. Little Red stood there blushing and mumbled “I thought you were going to be my daddy”.

“You ain’t touchin this b-boy, son. My ass belongs to the baker’s wife.”

“That’s okay both princes own my ass. I was hoping you would join”

A motion came from the bushes. The two turned to see the princes passionately making out. “We belong to eachother,” they moaned in unison.

“Want to join” the one prince suggested rubbing his brother’s booty. Little Red nodded her head yes and dropped her cloak. Under the cloak, there were three dwarves living in Red Riding Hood’s back hair. “I’m your daddy now,” she smirked darkly.  The dwarves dug deeper into the forest of back hair, kissing as they went. “Into the woods” they muttered. The princes stood up, ripping their jackets to reveal they were really Mormons. “Caught you bitch”

The wolf stood there shocked. “What the fuck just happened”. Little Red smiled innocently and pulled the wolf closer. Growling she rubbed herself against his fur playfully tugging at it with her tooth. The princes watched jealously wanting to be with the bae. “She our ho. I think we should show her who is in charge brother” the prince said to his brother.

Just then, a man rushed in wearing nothing but spandex that barely covered his supple bottom. “THAT IS MY MAN!” the man shouted and tackled the wolf. The wolf gasped, his fur blushing red. “E-EVAN KUN??” he howled. Tears ran down Evan’s face. “Oh, Wolf Chan. I thought we were TOGETHER!”

“We are I swear’ the wolf protested. “Please don’t punish me”.

“No promises” Evan muttered pushing the wolf down on all fours. “I’m going to make you howl for me baby”.

Evan then kicked the wolf over onto its back. The Wolf whimpered, lifting his butt up in the air. “I’m ready for that peanut butter.” Evan drooled, staring at the large fluffy rump. Just as he was about to plow into his tight, virgin hole he heard a scream.

                “OMFG IT’S ZAYN MALIK” the Princes screamed.

“Please blow us Zayn” the other Prince screeched unzipping his pants. The wolf panted seeing the prince release the dragon. Little Red fangirled all of her ovaries exploding. The dwarves on her back groaned in protest having been interrupted from their orgy.

The Dragon flew from the Prince’s pants. “I forgot I had that in there,” the prince chuckled. The dragon began breathing fire upon everything. Even thegoddamn writers were on fire. I am burning as I write this. In HELL WITH MY HOMIE SATAN WHAT UP S-DOG EEEEEYYYYY.

Zayn stared in awe at the dragon. “Wow your umm… dragon is really… big. It’s kinda turning me on”. Evan mounted the wolf grinding against his furry booty. “I want the sausage” he muttered biting his lips. The princes pulled Zayn to them putting him in the middle.

“I’ll call you Niall and you Harry” Zayn declared looking at the princes. Role playing was one of Zayn’s kinks. Another kink of Zayn’s was getting completely naked and covering himself in honey. “I am the honey comb,” he whispered to himself as he rolled in the grass. “U-Um.. You know.. you know what? I’m going to just..not,” said one Prince. His eyes began to glow burgundy as he transformed into a fucking jet. The other prince jumped inside his jet-brother and they flew off into the mystical beyond.

Little Red watched the scene unfold and to say the least was surprised. “I have to head home guys. Tonight is my grandmom and I’s fuck night. We going to get it on. I even brought a dildo see” the girl exclaimed puuling out the black dick. She skipped down the path humming as she thought about what her and her grandmom would do tonight.

The Wolf looked at Evan, than the honey-covered Zayn. “Hmm…” Evan became FURIOUS. “HoW COIULD you look atthat MAN AND notatlittleold ME?!” the blond screeched directly into the wolf’s butt. The wolf began to cry so hard that he became a gas, and floated away. Evan snorted up the wolf’s vapor-like state and floated away.

“What did I just watch” Zayn screamed. “Scratch, scratch, scratch in my INNER THIGH” the boy whispered. Honey got all over his hands and he slurped it up. Suddenly out of the woods appeared Troy Bolton.

“You got to get your head in the game” Troy declared pulling a basketball out of his butt.

“No you got to get your head in me” Zayn responded smirking happily.

                Michael Bay handed the manuscript to his dark lord, M. Night Shananana-my-oh-my. “Is this pleases you, my master?” Michael whined, shifting uncomfortably in his dynamite thong. Michael proceed to jerk off to explosions since his ass was the bomb.

            This was true. In about ten minutes, Michael Bay’s bottom would explode into a million pieces. The ass-pieces would then plant themselves in the gardens of Hollywood, forever destroying the fabrics of space-time. For them, the end was Nye.

            Bill Nye.

The hills hilled again with the sound of “Bill Nye The Science Guy”, as voices began to chant “Bill! Bill! Bill!”

Meanwhile back to Troy and Zayn (because who cares about Bill Nye). “We’re all in this together Zayn” Troy yelled. Sharpay and Ryan appeared crawling out of Troy’s booty.

“What else do you have in there” Zayn asked pulling the booty closer to him.

“Everything” Troy replied scrunching up his face pushing out Chad and Gabrielle. “I was wondering where you went”. Sharpay and Ryan held each other passionately producing a child.

“We named him after you Zayn” Sharpay hissed turning into a snake. She ate Ryan and the baby whole unhinging her mouth. Zayn backed away slowly shaking his head no. He then lurched forward, holding his left boob. “I-It’s… happening,” he groaned. The man curled into a ball, shifting his shape until he unveiled himself.

Troy gasped at the beast before him, covering his eyes with Sharpay’s snake-weave. “

“H-He’s hideous! Hideous!” screamed Troy. How could ever love such a honey-covered fiend. For Zayn was not just Zayn, but also:

“It’s me, Wayne Brady!” shouted the once- Zayne. He lifted his leg high into the air and pulled a microphone from his scrotal sack. “And It’s time to Make A Deal!”

Wayne Brady danced around showing off his huge smile and penis. “Our next contestant is from a far away land. Let’s put our hands together and welcome Eren Jager”.

From the high heavens came a giant stripper pole. Eren slid down it putting the pole in between his butt cheeks. “I came here to slay the pussy” Eren screamed his eyes glazing over. “Do I smell a titan?”

“We’ve been caught quickly Gabrielle now” Troy exclaimed opening his butt for the girl to dive in. Once she reached the booty Troy grew into a Titan. “We’re breaking free”.

Eren’s right eye began to twitch involuntarily. His mouth began to foam. “T-tiTAN?! TITAN!” he began to roar, scratching at his neck. “I GOTTAKILL The titan. MUST KILL” Eren then ripped off his clothing to reveal a rather naughty sailor suit that showed much to much of Eren’s muscular body. He then removed his eye and pulled out a giant half of a scissor and charged at the Titan. “YOU ARE DeaEaeaeaEAeAEAEeaEeaEeD!” he screeched.

The screech summoned Eren’s friend, Armin. The blond flew to Eren’s aid on wings of All-American freedom, cawing at the beast. “Caw caw motherfucker” Armin screeched becoming one with the bird.

Troy swatted at Armin successfully smacking him to the ground. Eren bit his hand, his body began twitching. The bones began crunching as he took on his ultimate form. Wayne Brady gasped seeing Shrek. “It’s all ogre now”.

Shrek grabbed the Titan’s leg and shoved him up his ass. Shrek screamed out in glee as Troy thrashed around. “Please god no. I want to bop to the top not be the bottom.”

With one final shove Shrek’s butt consumed the Titan leaving a trail of basketballs behind. “This is my swamp” Shrek roared hitting his chest like a monkey.

             Suddenly, a physics text book shoots through the air and directly into the urethra of Shrek. Shrek began poop-trembling and then exploded onto a massive array of rainbows and neutrons.

            “Who the fuck DARES  to say nobody cares about Bill Nye?!” the scientist snarled, rising from the dead ogre. He floated gently to the ground, then dusted off the glitter from his lab coat. “Everything the matter with this place, damn.”

                A sudden hilling to the direct right of Bill Nye’s left leg caused the man to twerk, sniffing the air as he went down on the ground, clapping his ass. He knew they were about to descend upon them, but when would it happen? When would they-

                “Bill!” shouted Casey.

“Nye The” purred Theo

“Science Guy!” Lily moaned, rubbing her air at the old ass dude.  “It’s time to fight!”

“Quickly guys we need to form the megazord” Casey exclaimed taking out his morpher. The three rangers came together to form the most powerful, most frightening thing in the whole entire universe. Out of the depths of hell rose Caillou. “I’m just a kid whose four and I will fuck you up.”

Bill Nye fell to the ground scared at what he had just seen. “I have one question why are you bald?”

Caillou smirked before replying “All my hair is down there”. He pointed at his cock making a very inappropriate gesture for a four year old.  Bill Nye scoffed and pulled a laser cat from his nostril. “I know what’s REALLY in there, little boy,” he said and shot off the 4 year olds huge penis.

                The penis fell from the boy’s crotch on the floor. It wriggled and giggled until the left shark rose from the sack and began to dance.

                “I have come for my son, Robert James.” The shark bellowed, shaking the earth. A sharknado appeared and RJ knew it was his ride.

“But dad I don’t want to be a shark. Dad that’s your dream” RJ cried tears coming from his ears and eyelashes. Left shark scoffed at his and ate him whole.

“No son of mine will be a straight human” Left shark said chewing up his son. RJ’s clothes got caught in his one singular tooth.

RJ spun around as his clothes fell off his body. His pale, perfectly sculpted abs glistened in the sunlight. “Father, now they know I’m hot,” he whimpered, his hair now long and flowing in the wind covered his horrifically large genitalia. “No woman would ever love such a handsome beast!”

“Why do you need a woman, when you can have Victor Velosme?” a strong, strangely feminine voice called. RJ looked under his shoulder and over a boulder to see Victor Velosi wearing nothing but a dinosaur themed speedo. It squeezed around his tyrannosaurus dick. The penis roared becoming erected in the speedo.

R.J.  felt his kokoro doki doki at the sight. “S-sempai…” he whispered as the man walked closer.

Veloci smirked, tossing his hair to the other side of his face. “Do you like what you Victor Velosee, wolf boy?” he chuckled.

“Yes,” moaned R.J. his butt cheeks blushing red. RJ went over to the bae grabbing his tyrannosaurus. He squeezed twisting it around making Victor growl. Victor transformed into a dinosaur and RJ into a wolf.

The wolf mounted Victor and he got ready to show his dominance. RJ gently stroked Victor’s face with his paw. “Ummm…okay. I guess this is sexy” Victor moaned.

“Guess who’s back bitches” a voice sang. RJ jumped off of Victor to see Justin Beiber swagger over. The boy did his hair flip releasing thousands of orphans. “When did you get their” he asked.

“Are you my mommy” a little boy asked wearing a gas mask.

“No. You are alone because no one loves you now get back in my hair” Justin commanded. The boy obliged sighing sadly as he climbed back into the boy’s luscious brown locks.

“I always wanted orphans” RJ commented looking at the children licking his lips. “Can I go in your hair as well?”

“Sure but I will need something in return” Beiber said.

“Name your price” Victor replied becoming human again. Justin smirked evilly. 

“Give me exactly 231,662,004 Nipples. No more, no less,” the pop icon grunted. Veloci stared at the man. The man was utterly confused as to what the hell he just heard.  “Uh… c-can I just write you a che-“

“No!” protested the Beibs and stomped. “BEIBIES WANT NEEP NOPS!” The manchild screeched and stomped, causing the earth to shake. Beiber was about to speak when RJ threw up Kanye West. “Yo I’mma let you finish but why the fuck is that one dude a dinosaur. I Kanye not believe this.” Victor Veloci screeched a mighty screech. No one uses their name as a pun but him. “I don’t like what I Victor Velosee going on here.”

Kanye smirked a mighty smirk. “I hope you know you’re dealing with the Kanye Best, mother fucker.”

“I’m going to go” Beibs said whistling to the sky. “Want to come Wayne Brady. I can show you incredible things under the covers”.

“Sure why not I kinda forgot I was here” Brady replied taking Justin’s hands. From the clouds came Gandalf the Gay riding a magic carp.

“Carp carp” the fish screamed flopping around on the ground. “Get on losers” Gandalf said taking out his pipe filled with weed. Justin and Wayne climbed on and the fish rose once again in the sky.

RJ watched jealously really wanting to have some of the old man’s weed. It had been exactly 5 minutes since the last time he got high. 5 minutes too long he thought beginning to go through withdrawal. “I need weed now” he muttered his skin starting to wrinkle up. RJ melted into the ground becoming a pile of weed.

“Velessi outsie” Victor said slithering away.

M. Night Shama-llama-wanna-sama finished the manuscript, disgust in his face. “There aren’t enough twists in this story, boy.”

Michael Bay began sobbing, the time almost up before his was would be in the forecast. “Please. Add the last twist for me, master. So my booty will not explode. We have but moments left.”

M. Last Midnight Shalala-my-oh-you-know-can’t-deny-you-wanna-kiss-the-girl thought for a moment, stroking Michael Bay’s round bottom. “I know what I can do. The last twist will be…”

Zayn woke up breathing hard in his bed. “I had the strangest dream” he mumbled. He looked over to see R.J. cuddling his arm, honey smeared over his mouth. “…What the F-“


The End