It may not have seemed it at the time, with his lack of empathy towards Mickey getting shot at but Ian was hurting. After a while he couldn't deny that he had fucked up. He had broken up the only real relationship he had ever wanted, the relationship he never thought he could have. Not only did he breakup with Mickey, the love of his life, his soulmate but he appeared so cold hearted while doing so that he never expected Mickey to want to see him much less speak to him ever again. Mickey had laid his heart out to Ian and instead of Ian accepting it he crushed it, left the broken pieces out on the cold concrete.
Ian hated what he'd become but he hated more that everyone expects him to go back to being the same old Ian. He's basically been told that that could never be. Having to take multiple medication for the rest of his life just to function like a normal human being.
The first time he took the medication it made him feel so empty, like he was outside himself. He had thought it was better to feel more than feel nothing at all but now he found himself longing to dull the pain in his heart.
It had been weeks since the breakup when he saw him, Mickey. He couldn't take his eyes off him. He had thought the other would notice him but he didn't so much as glance in Ian's direction. It made Ian's heart ache to know that Mickey wanted nothing to do with him, and it was by his own doing. He had broken up with him so why did it hurt so much? Ian suddenly longing for the medication to dull him, was he a hypocrite? Now that the medication would work in his favor he wanted it but when the people he loved had wanted him to he had refused.
Ian didn't know who he was anymore, being completely stripped of everything you had ever wanted would do that to a person. Not only did he not know himself anymore he didn't know how to love someone like they deserved, especially someone like Mickey who deserved to be loved more than anyone he had ever met. Mickey deserved to be loved more than Ian thought he could give him but that didn't stop him from wanting to. Ian knew he would always love Mickey.
Ian hadn't gone out much besides to work his shifts for the diner, he didn't want to run into Mickey before he was ready no matter how much he longed to even catch a glimpse of the man. Ian laid in bed, phone in hand opened to the picture of himself and Mickey that he couldn't believe he had gotten the man to take. Mickey had done a lot of things for Ian that he never thought he would. Mickey had kissed him, came out for him, called him his boyfriend for all to hear and said he loved him.. Ian had wanted all of it for so long but when he had finally gotten it he treated it like it was nothing. Had he even ever told Mickey he loved him? He hadn't.
He stared at the contact, debating whether to call or text but instead he called another.
It rang and rang, he didn't expect an answer but then the other line connected..
It was Mandy, the person he had once called his best friend. He couldn't will the tears away.
"Yeah.. it's me. I'm sorry, I just wanted to hear your voice I don't expect you to want to talk to me."
"He didn't talk to me or anyone for that matter for weeks, not just about what happened but in general. Iggy said he wouldn't even tell him off for being a dumbass, he was worried and it takes a hell of a lot to get Iggy to notice."
Ian remain silent until Mandy contined.
"I tried multiple times to call, text anything to get him to answer."
Ian wanted to say something but he didn't know what to say.
"He's my brother Ian, despite how it may seem I love the fucker and you hurt him, more than I had ever seen."
"Seen?" Ian didn't know why it had come out but it did.
"I'm back in southside, after what Iggy told me and than silence on Mick's end I had to."
"I saw him, I thought he saw me too but if he did he didn't acknowledge my existence."
"You blame him?"
"I love him." It just came out, of course it did to anyone else but the person who he should have said it to.
"Sure have a hell of a way of showing it."
"I miss him so much Mandy, it hurts."
"You broke up with him."
"I know and I thought.. it was best but I just want him back. What if I've lost him for good? He never wants to see me again, does he?"
Mandy was silent for a long time.. Ian's tears were uncontrollable at this point.
"He still has a picture of you in his room"
Ian had thought he heard wrong.
"Why are you Gallaghers always treating us like shit? I remember once when you were my knight in shining armor now your the guy who broke my brother's heart."
"I'm so sorry"
"It's not me you should be saying that to."
She had hung up. Ian knew she was pissed at him, her brother meant a lot more to her than she ever let on.
Ian opened a text, typed whatever came to his head first and sent before he could talk himself out of it. He read it back after sending "will we ever be able to talk again? you have ever right not to want to but I just need you to know how sorry I am, I want to tell you in person how sorry I am and how much I miss you." Mickey wouldn't appreciate this, he couldn't seem sincere through text.
It had been a while, over an hour since he sent the text, he wasn't going to get a response.
Mickey had thought his eyes were playing tricks on him when he saw his phone light up with a message from Ian. He had been smoking and drinking most of the day but no it wasn't a trick, gallagher had sent him a message. No matter how many times he read the message he couldn't figure out what Ian had wanted from him. Did he actually expect Mickey to come crawling back because of some pathetic apology text? Was he actually suppose to answer back to this?
Right in the middle of Mickey's thoughts Iggy burst into his room, as he always did.
"You alright?" Iggy never asked this.
"You been boring a hole in your phone for a while. what is it?"
Mickey wasn't use to Iggy being worried about him but he actually was glad for it at the moment.
"The fuckin' nerve of that kid. You need me to rough him up?"
Mickey stared at Iggy like he was out of his mind, that is what Milkoviches did to those who hurt him but he didn't want that.
"I know you wouldn't want that but you know it's Milkovich policy to fuck up anyone who hurts us"
"Not sure if that'd do any good here."
"Well let me know if you change your mind"
With Iggy gone Mickey was left to stare at the message some more, he really wanted to tell Ian to fuck off but for some reason he couldn't instead he sent a simple "why?"
Ian had just about given up receiving a reply when his phone went off. Mickey's name lit up on the screen was enough to stop Ian's heart. He read the one word reply, he could feel the context behind it "why should he talk to him. why should he believe anything Ian says" He had to prove his sincerity to Mickey. He was terrified but he had to do this if he wanted even a chance to have Mickey back in his life. He hit the call button and braced himself to be ignored or yelled at and then hung up on or whatever else horrible scenario his mind could come up with. He was certain the older boy wasn't going to answer but then he heard a click and a muffled "what?" deja vu Ian thought.
He expected a snide remark back but was met with a flat "yeah.."
Ian hadn't thought through of what he was going to say so he let what he really wanted out "can i see you?" nothing on the other line "please Mickey I know I don't deserve it.. I don't deserve you but I miss you. I love you Mickey."
"How am I suppose to believe anything you say anymore?"
Ian wasn't sure of how to answer but there was only one way he could prove he meant it that came to mind. "I'll go on the meds, just please let me see you. I just want to see you it doesn't have to be anything else."
"You shouldn't go on meds to get in with me that has to be for you Ian."
Even now Mickey was taking care of him.
"I'm not, I want to go on them. For me but for you as well. I want to be able to be even a fraction of what you deserve even if you don't want me anymore."
Ian was so afraid of losing Mickey for good he wanted to hold on to any little hope he could.
"You fucking hurt me Ian"
"I know.. I want to make it up to you somehow, if that's even possible"
"I don't know if you can." Ian hoped Mickey couldn't hear his heart breaking "but no matter how pissed I am I can't hate you, that pisses me off even more. You ripped my heart in two and I still fucking miss you. I think about you, I can't get rid of that stupid fucking photo of you."
Mickey's voice was so harsh but what he was saying warmed Ian's heart. Before he had even realized he had left his house, now standing outside the Milkovich house. "I'm outside Mick."
In a few minutes the front door open revealing Mickey. He came onto the porch staring down at a disheveled Ian. Ian wanted to run to him, kiss him, hug him but he was terrified instead he said it face to face now "I love you" he needed Mickey to know that he meant it. Mickey's face would have appeared to anyone else as not changing but he recognized the slight soften of his eyes, it gave him the push he needed. He met Mickey on the porch, slowly approaching leaning in until their lips connected. It wasn't harsh it wasn't like any other kiss they ever had it was soft a reassuring of feelings always going to be there.
"Get the fuck inside."
Ian smiled despite having tears escape. He knew all would not be forgiven but Mickey was in front of him, willing to take him back, willing to put himself out there again for Ian. Ian wasn't going to take it for granted this time. Mickey was it for him.