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Draco Malfoy, King of Pants

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Disclaimer: This work is a remix of anemonen's art. You'll probably want to check that out first, or this won't make much sense. Draco's Drunken Birthday Speech and After the Party



Hello, I'm Harry Potter. Harry Potter the bear, not the person. I suspect you'd rather hear from the person, but unfortunately he's a bit preoccupied at the moment.

You must be wondering why I have a pair of pants hung around my ear. First of all, let me assure you that I had no say in the matter whatsoever. How the pants got to where they are is an amusing tale. At least, I think you'll find it amusing. It was rather humiliating for me, and I imagine that Draco, my owner, might also be mortified come morning.

"Oh…"

He doesn't seem to be having any regrets so far, however. 

Anyway, I arrived at Hogwarts yesterday morning, but it wasn't until many hours later that the package I came in was finally opened by two giggling, squealing girls. They called each other 'Daphne' and 'Pansy,' and they showed me to their friend Blaise. He greeted me with Oh, for Salazar's sake! but then agreed that Draco would secretly adore me. Once the girls calmed down they placed me back into the red-and-gold box, where I remained until earlier this evening, when Draco unwrapped his birthday presents.  

When Draco first saw me, his grey eyes grew wide and his lips twitched at the corners. I thought he looked happy – until he slammed the lid back on the box and tossed me aside, saying, "Haha, very funny." 

"Please, Harry!"

Ahem. I think that was directed at Harry the person.  

So, on with the story. I was afraid I'd end up in the rubbish unless a Harry Potter fan found and decided to adopt me – which didn't seem likely considering the company I was in. But then, about an hour later, amidst a cacophony of laughter and shouting, my owner opened the box again and picked me up. 

I was not prepared for what I saw. 

Draco was sporting a pair of pants – the very pants that are now covering half my face – on his head! I assume they are the same ones that, from what I heard while I was in my box, had emerged from the leg of his trousers after he'd gone to change into something 'more regal.' More regal, by his definition, turned out to be a pair of black silk pyjama bottoms and a thin, forest green blanket tied as a cloak around his bare shoulders.

"Oh god, Harry, I'm so close..."

Yes, I'm not quite sure what that's about… Anyway, this time Draco allowed himself a smile before he stood from the sofa, holding me in one hand and a bottle of Ogden's Old in the other, and stepped onto the table. Blaise's glass of firewhisky got knocked over in the process; he gave an irritated huff, but said nothing.

"Quiet!" Draco shouted, and he waited until the noise died down.

"Since this is my birthday I hereby declare myself to be king! All of you must do whatever I – or Harry – command. Harry the bear –" He raised me higher to show me to everyone present. "Not Harry Potter the person. In fact, my first command is that you get that person here. Everyone should be here to worship me. Whoever brings him will get a kiss from Harry – the bear, not the person. The person is only mine to kiss... I mean call names...or hex... Yes, that's what I meant! Now off with you!"

"Fuck, Draco! Yes, just like that. " 

That was Harry the person, by the way. 

'King' Draco's subjects acted immediately. Blaise and a large boy named Greg were elected to fetch Harry; they were gone before Draco even made it back to the sofa. 

While we waited, a group of young girls approached my owner tentatively. "May we touch him, Your Majesty?" one of them asked. "We just want to see if he's as soft as he looks."

"No!" Draco said, jerking me out of their reach. "He's mine."

And so we sat, Draco holding me tightly to his bare chest until Blaise and Greg returned with their bound-and-gagged prisoner, whose eyes lit up with amusement as soon as they landed on us.

"You got him!" Draco said in a tone of surprise. He jumped to his feet, swaying dangerously. 

"So good…"

"Of course we did," Blaise said as Greg forced Harry onto his knees in front of Draco and me. "He didn't even put up much of a fight."

"Have a kiss, then." Draco held me up until I was level with Blaise's face. "As promised. An honorable king keeps his word."

Blaise snapped his head back. "I require no such reward."

Greg also declined to kiss me.

Draco shrugged and turned to his prisoner. "Now, Potter. In case you're wondering, you are here to pay your allegiance to me on this glorious day that is my birthday. Once you have convinced me of your…loyalty and reverence, you shall be set free. Do you agree to these terms?"

"S-stop… I want to fuck you."

Harry the person shook his head.

"Oh, don't be so noble, Potter," Pansy said. She was curled up next to to Daphne on one of the sofas. "Draco may be pissed, but he's not asking for anything he hasn't fantasised about while sober. Right, Your Majesty?"

Draco hiccupped and nodded. "Will you do as I ask, Potter?"

Harry hesitated for a moment, but at last he nodded. 

"Release him," Draco said.

Greg and Blaise let go of Harry's arms, and Draco removed the gag and handed him the near-empty bottle of firewhisky. "Here, have a drink."

Harry sat back on his heels and took a swig, and then another, until Draco commanded him to rise. 

"Follow me," Draco said. 

"Any time now, Potter… Ow, stop! Wait…"

"Just relax."

"Easy for you to say… Ah! Oh…"

I sure hope he isn't hurting Draco – whatever it is they're doing in there. I wouldn't be of much use either way, of course. I'm only a helpless Potter bear, lying on top of an empty bottle of Ogden's Old with my vision half-obscured by Draco's pants.

Oh, right. I'm supposed to be telling you how the pants ended up on my head. Well, once we got to the dormitory, Harry the person suggested that I might like to wear the crown for a while. (Personally, I think he just found the pants distracting.) Since I was unable to protest – the only things I'm capable of saying out loud are I love you! and Muah! – I had no choice but to allow him to hang the blasted things around my ear before Draco deposited me on the night table and pulled the bed curtains shut.

"Faster! Yes, like that. Don't stop…"

Kings are difficult to please, aren't they? Yes, no. Stop, don't stop. I do wish Harry the best of luck in satisfying Draco; however, I have a feeling he won't want to be 'set free' after he is finished paying his allegiance.

Well, this is where my tale ends. I hope you enjoyed it and that it clarified a few things. 

Farewell, my friends. 

Muah!