Chapter Text
We started at the crack of dawn today. The clouds were a lighter gray, and rain had ceased. With the ground being as soggy as it was there was still a risk of the horses being unable to traverse our unbeaten path ahead. Though there was no excuse to not at the very least get started on prepping for tomorrow.
The tail end of our journey is inching closer. My feelings are still ever conflicted.
While I was getting ready this morning they were all I could think about. Of course I did not have much to contemplate otherwise. Jobs don't typically have a guy like this involved. Most times the journey’s are consumed with silence and me spacing out unless a threat needs to be taken care of. Nothing as complicated as this.
In the back of my head I wondered what it would be like to not be working for the Boss.
There is a sense of security with staying with what you know. No doubt. But there is a very real possibility I could be hunted down by my comrades. I could know too much. Be too close to the Boss for him to accept my leave.
I wouldn't have been the first to be permanently excommunicated. Too much risk with all the information we carry. In this line of business it wasn't personal.
And it's what kept people in for life. Us “guides'' serve the Company until we are killed. It is an unspoken fact.
Dying of old age was almost unheard of in these parts. Especially where I happened to come from.
I shudder at the brief thought of my home town. I shake my head like it actually helps toss the idea away from the forefront of my mind.
I go back to how likely it is I will be killed for wanting my freedom back.
Boss has always favored me. Though who knows how much protection that can actually offer.
He would probably laugh that I was even considering this because of some crush. But it wasn't the first time. It was an unforgiving career. My body, though still in its prime, was slowly wearing down. Every trip it was harder to recover, taking longer for the aches and pain to fade.
I can't keep this up forever. Not at the pace the Boss demands from me.
Why would he let me leave willingly now that I'm thinking about it. I am his biggest money maker, his winning pig at the fair. With the highest survival rate I doubt I’d be easy to replace. Not to mention being part of the Company also helps keep me safe from other enemies I've made along the way.
Whatever I do decide, it is not going to be easy. But one option may be more fun than the other…
Most of the day I spent with the horses. Giving them new shoes, a good wash, and much needed pampering to get them through the rest of the way. Trying to keep myself from biting my nails down to nubs.
Renji and his conniving ass. Not only am I going to have to hope and pray Renji behaves himself, but Shinji on top of that too?
There’s no way I’m going to be that lucky.
Shinji had been in and out of the stables here and there. Always taking every chance he gets to say hi, give me a wave, or a flashy grin.
I made myself acknowledge him most of the time. His effort was a bit much but that just seemed to be part of his personality.
Though quickly after acknowledging him I would find another task and keep myself busy so as not to spark a conversation and duck my head away so my blushing cheeks would be a secret between me and Rufus.
I need to save my social battery, and after the embarrassment of yesterday I am not sure if I can bare him bringing it up during my internal battle.
With my thoughts swinging back and forth from how difficult my future is going to be and how I'm going to make it through this god forsaken dinner, the day flew by relatively fast.
I set down my tools and straightened out my hunched over back from working on Moxy’s hooves. Both horses now had a good new pair of shoes so they would be nice and comfortable.
Wiping my brow I get a whiff of my arm pit and nearly gagged out loud. With most of the tasks I wanted to get finished done I suppose a shower isn't a terrible idea.
Or I could show up like this, covered in sweat and dirt, just to piss of Renji. God I wish I could see the look on his face. But I cant disrespect Rukia like that, not when she might wring my neck for it.
Before heading to the Inn I give my four legged friends a quick pat on the back and leave them to their dinner to go get ready for mine.
The sun was setting, peeping through the clouds as it lowered. Clouds thin enough now that they glowed a light pink.
I was outside sitting on the patio edge, freshly cleaned, waiting for my technical date. The gentle breeze pushing lightly against my semi-wet hair. I opted for a basic yet well fitting long sleeve white button down, tucked in, with the typical jeans and boots. Even pulling out all the stops, I managed to find an old tin of blush and put some lightly on my eyelids and nose to add some pop of color.
I chose not to put any on my cheeks, they would probably be red in no time flat.
And with that thought I heard the doors swinging behind me, turning I see Shinji. And my cheeks instantly fulfilled their prophecy.
He had a nearly burnt orange button down, halfway tucked in some black jeans flared enough to fit his boots. I’d yet to see him so dressed up.
His hair was up in a bun with his bangs left out. It was relaxed yet refined. He looked like he could own a ranch nearly.
I tried to look away as slowly as possible, I didn't wanna give him the satisfaction of knowing how on fire my face was.
“Hey darlin’, ready ta go?” He walked down the steps to stand in front of me, hand extended.
“Whaddya think I’m doin’ out here? Let’s go before Rukia comes hunting us.” I let my hand rest in his as he helps pull me up.
“Hm, she sounds scary, promise you’ll protect me?” He laughs at his own joke as I cant help but give him a small smile back, “Heh, nothing could protect you from her.”
We arrived at the outskirts of town, the home was one of few here. It was a decent size, two story, with plain wood. There wasn't any sense in painting it when the wind and sand would scrape it off over time. About a dozen cattle were settled nicely in their fence to the right of the home and were lazily munching away on hay that I'm sure Renji was forced to haul out.
While we strode up to the front door Shinji had let himself be set slightly behind me. I lifted my hand to knock and as soon as my knuckles hit the wood the door swung open so fast I nearly fell backwards. Rukia of course was the one to blame, her eyes like steel piercing me as we stood staring at each other. Shinji cleared his throat after giving us a few seconds of our silent contest. Before he could get his full hello out, Rukia jumped into me. The force of her hug so strong I bumped into Shinji who had to rest his hand on the small of my back so I wouldn't be pushing us both off the two small stairs we had just walked up.
“___, if you ever leave me alone for this long with red head over there I will be sending you to the morgue.” She squeezed and let me go. She moved onto Shinji, introducing herself with her hand held outwards who was looking at her with a nervous smile. She probably gripped his hand harder than any man hes met.
She welcomed us in and shut the door. Renji was setting the table and pouring drinks.
Food set out and steaming. I hoped no one else could hear the greediness my stomach was expressing with it’s bubbly gurgling. It had been so long since I had eaten any home made meal. Especially one specifically made for me.
We shuffle in and go to sit down across from one another after Rukia had gestured with her arm, motioning for us to sit.
Shinji was quick with getting behind the chair I had chosen, gently pulling out the hand crafted yellowish wood seat. I looked behind me to let him know I appreciated it, he just gave me a light wink and smiled when he noticed the blush cross my cheeks.
I quickly turned back and sat. I noticed the gloss on the table and even the chairs looked new, not worn down like the typical dining set you see. I peer over at Renji who was the most probable cause for such a nice set. Internally I beamed with pride for him, from criminal to home maker.
I felt a twinge of jealousy. Seeing something I may never get to taste.
Guilt followed suit, I know he deserved it. Needing to change the subject in my head for my own mood, I acknowledged the redhead who was finishing up the last touches, lighting some candles in the middle of the table. Though the lanterns throughout the home did a fine enough job lightening the home. This seemed to just be for show.
“Man, she has you workin’ after hours huh?”
Rukia came back from where she had briefly disappeared to while I was distracted, trying to control my facial expression. She was holding a water pitcher, to accompany Renji’s obvious choice of drink already on the table, liquor.
At least she had some forethought.
He let out a quip of a laugh as she passed him, “You betcha, and for free too.”
A quick swat to the back of his head was Rukia’s counter to his comment. “Do you consider me cookin’ for ya not substantial payment? How rude.”
He rubs the back of his head as he pulls out his wife's chair, letting her sit down. Giving her a big grin in response to her punishment. She really had him between her fingers.
Shinji plops down across from me as food started to be shared from across the table.
Rukia made the initial jump and asked Shinji a painstakingly simple question I had never thought to ask.
“So Shinji, where are you from?” He had just finished with getting what sides he had wanted. And looked up at her, blinking a few times, caught off guard that she had an interest.
“I- Uhh, I’m from Seireitei town. It’s been awhile since anyone's asked that question, aha, took me a sec to register. How ‘bout y'all?” mirroring her manors, she indulges him.
They both seemed to chat back and forth pretty easily. Renji and I seem to be more of onlookers and focusing on the food between our teeth.
Though after a few minutes of Shinji and Rukia, Renji decided to speak up.
“So Shinji, did you request to have the oh so great guide ____ on purpose or did you just happen to get lucky?”
Rukia pursed her lips, eager for the answer. They have definitely been talking shit.
As elegant as always he does not seemed to be fazed. “ When inquiring for a guide to her company I asked for the best, and they offered her instantaneously. And by the looks of it I’d be a fool to disagree with that judgment.” His foot touched mine underneath the table where Rukia and Renji couldn't see.
The glint in his eye told me everything he meant by that. Cheeky as always.
Renji took a swing of his cup and slammed it down, “ I’d say just about any man would agree with that.” Rukia was used to this banter with him, but Shinji seemed to take it a little more seriously, a slight frown tugged for just a slight moment on the side of his face that they didn't catch. But I caught it immediately.
He corrected the small expression instantly and forced his smile to remain full. I tapped his foot with the tip of mine, smiling at him suggestively when he made eye contact.
He seemed frustrated, knowing I had seen him slip into that twinge of jealousy.
The feeling of triumph ended swiftly as Renji continued the conversation in a direction more pointed at me.
“How’re yer horses doin’ ____, what were their names? Ruby and Chester right? It’s been so long since I've seen them.”
My stomach sank that this was the topic that was brought up. It really had been a long time since I've seen them.
Rukia perked up at the mention of those names, she confirmed by nodding with a smile, “They were such a good duo for you, I remember when you first got them Ruby nearly ate all your hair off in your sleep while we were on that one job with you.”
As Rukia and Renji recalled more and more memories with my previous stallions the more I zoned out. Not really wanting to hear it. My eyes dropped to stare at my plate. Shinji tapped my foot with his boot. Looking up he gives me a look of sympathy. He’d put two and two together, the horses he’s met had different names.
I gave him a small forced smile. Thanking him for the comfort I knew he was trying to extend to me.
His eyes still hung sadly, the understanding clear in his face.
Renji noticed the action and looked at me, the realization being clear in his expression.
I just decided to dive right in. “They were killed actually.”
Both of them stopped moving, regret of bringing it up oozed out of them. Rukia gave me a sad smile, “ I’m so sorry ____, we shouldn't have-” before she could finish Renji piped up. Classic move on his part.
“What? When did this happen? I wish you could have told me, god we should have been there for you, dammit.”
Rukia shook her head at the beloved dumbass.
“Uh well I've never actually told anyone so don't feel too bad.”
Shinji’s hand shifted onto mine from across the table. I relaxed a bit and realized how tense my body had become.
His touch helped center me, so I continued.
“It was one of the first times I was on a solo trip, going through the canyon. Boss thought I was ready, it was just a delivery. Some gems and moonshine.”
The silence hung steady as I took a pause. With a deep breath I dived in.
“I had thought the sun was too hot during that time for the usual thieves to be hiding out there, we were low on water, and I was rushing to get into the canyon to get to the river that passes through it. I had a vague idea where it was but I got worried we wouldn't make it.
I miscalculated. And I didn't set up a watch spot to look out for movement, I trusted no one would be crazy enough to try surviving out there just for a few hits.
I went through and got jumped. Part of me wonders if they knew what I had been carrying. It was sudden, they tore me from Ruby’s back and promptly beat the shit out of me. While I was on the ground I could see them going for my horses. I screamed as Ruby tried rearing up on them. They had their own horses so nothing kept them from shooting her. I saw her laying there, blood pooling around her in the sand. Not moving. I didn’t have a chance to scream again before a final kick in my head made me lose consciousness. I woke up and all our things were gone, they had slit Chesters throat. He had probably given them a hard time too. They knew I wasn't dead. They wanted me to wake up to see my horses like that. To be stranded and die, a death more painful than the one they could have given me with a bullet.
I managed to find the river, but I was stranded there for a few days. A group of traders found me half laying in the water, I can't remember what I was trying to do but they pulled me out and recognized the Company’s sigil I had hanging around my neck.
They took me back to the Boss hoping for a reward for returning me.”
The silence remained heavy. I dipped my head a tad lower to signify I had nothing left to say.
Rukia was the first to speak up, “And you said this is the first time you've told anyone? Did your boss not ask?” I could tell she was trying to remain level headed learning I had been dragged back half dead to the Company and no one bothered to ask what happened. Except that was exactly it.
I was embarrassed I worked for someone who clearly did not value me as a human so much as a mule. “He was more upset that I had not prepared and lost his goods. I suppose his thought process was, whatever had happened was punishment for losing what was his. He did give me new horses though. Rufus and Moxy. He sent me away on another mission a few weeks later once my bones seemed healed enough at least.”
Not everyone gets that luxury when they screw up.
Shinji was the one furious now. He had no emotion on his face as he said what my friends were probably thinking as well, “____, you can't keep working for this man. He will use you until you're dead.”
Tears prick at my eyes, this I knew. I just nodded and gave a quiet “I know” before I could feel myself closing up again.
Between the embarrassment of failing my previous horses, the job, and the humiliation of working for someone who could not give a shit about me other than my profit.
What I had become, was someone's dog. With that thought it suddenly made sense to me. Why I had been having such an internal struggle with where I’ve wanted to be.
I was not meant to be a dog, and Shinji had shown me what it could be to be free.
The conversation came back with a natural eb and flow. Not wanting to put so much pressure on me after sharing something so heavy, the others filled the room with easier topics and the weight on my shoulders lessened.
After the dinner we gave a long goodbye, it was hard to leave. Even though I would be able to give another goodbye to them before we left town the next day. I’d make sure of that.
We walked back to the hotel, close enough to hold hands. But my pride refused to cave. I have been so vulnerable already.
Shinji however slung his long arm around my shoulder, pulling me in. His warmth radiated into me as the cold of the desert began to settle in.
No words were shared. It was comforting.
The town came up shortly. And my long day finally dwindled into an end.