Work Header

Real Swooshing Lights and Sounds

Work Text:

The 501st and the 212th were enjoying some rare downtime on Scarif while their Cruisers got a tech systems update–it meant they had two whole weeks to frolic all over the beaches of a planet otherwise dedicated to the manufacture of high-quality computer chips made from a special sand particular to this specific planet and nowhere else.

It was a chance to catch up on paperwork– or at least, that’s what he and the general were using it for, while the vast majority of the men spent as much time on the beach as they could.

When Cody asked his general if he had any plans to go planetside himself, he'd snorted. “We don’t have enough sunblock aboard for more than a brief trip, but perhaps later,” was all he’d concede, before marching Cody off the ship by the scruff of his blacks to make him get some beach time himself, the hypocrite.

Besides the R & R, however, being in one place for two weeks also meant time for resupply and mail. The clones didn’t get much physical mail– nor did the Jedi, though they did get some, mostly written letters between crechemates and occasional sentimental trinkets of little monetary value but lots of emotional credit. His own general had a box full of knicknacks on a shelf and a number of drawings tacked to the wall of his quarters– wildly misshapen blobs of color, mostly. He said they came from some of the crechelings who he’d watched the last time he was in Temple.

“Aww, that’s a good one of you, Master,” Skywalker said of the most recent one, pointing to a paper that was blobs of yellow, brown, and orange with a slash of bright blue.

“Yes, Grogu’s getting quite proficient with crayons,” Kenobi remarked fondly. “His basic motor skills are improving nicely. By the time he’s thirty, he may even be able to handle a spoon on his own.”

Today, however, the general had received a large box, much larger than anything the Temple usually sent on, even for robe and lightsaber part resupplies. He opened the box and huffed a small laugh at the contents, smiling as he toggled his com.

“Ahsoka, dear, I have a present for you when you’ve time to come by my quarters,” he said with a smile at the holoimage of his grandpadawan.

“A present?” she asked.

“Yes, your first action figure, my dear.”

Skywalker stuck his head into the com while Commander Tano was busy shrieking with excitement. “Are there any others in there?”

General Kenobi snorted. “Yes, Anakin, there’s some new ones for you, too.”

“They’d better have gotten my eyes right this time,” Skywalker huffed, even as Commander Tano elbowed her master and said “I’m excited, even if Skyguy isn’t.” She promised the general they’d be along right away, then cut the com.

“Action figures?” Cody asked. “Really?”

Kenobi laughed. “Yes. Unofficial, and not authorized by the Temple, of course, because we are a religious and non-profit institution, but … the manufacturer sends some of the figures to the people being depicted, and they donate most of the profits to the Temple for operating expenditures, so…”


“You’re not offended?” Cody asked, crossing the room to look in the box Kenobi left on top of his bunk.

“Well, it’s not pornography and it’s not gossipnet slander, so, no,” he said with a snort. “We’ve got bigger gundarks to bag than to take issue with what are meant to be childrens’ toys and semi-educational.”

Pulling the box flaps back, Cody examined the first layer of contents.

“They’ve got the markings on her montrals wrong here,” Cody noted, handing over a figurine that had clearly been missed in some quality check.

The other ones were actually a pretty good likeness, right down to the highly impractical tube top, miniskirt, and leggings outfit that the Jedi claimed was one of the traditional padawan uniforms. The back of the box had some very basic information about Commander Tano, including her favorite food (raw henru) and her favorite book (“Black Holes and Other Roadbumps”) as well as her least favorite class (electrical engineering), and then some educational facts about Togrutas and the planets where they lived. It was clearly written with children in mind.  The lightsaber was billed as having "Real Swooshing Lights and Sounds."

His general nodded as he inspected the doll. “Yes, you’re quite correct, this will be worth something for sure.”

That didn’t make any sense at all; Cody's face must have said that.

“The imperfect figurines are valuable as collectibles precisely because they’re imperfect. The manufacturer only makes several hundred in each figurine, so the imperfect ones are considered rare and desirable.”

“That doesn’t make any sense," Cody insisted.

“I agree, but that's economics for you.”

Kenobi smiled as he put the figurine Cody showed him back in the box, and changed the subject to their upcoming deployment. That kept them busy with planning until he heard the unmistakable back-and-forth of Skywalker and Tano snarking out in the hallway.

“Master Obi-Wan, where are they?” the young commander demanded, bursting in through the open door.

“Ah, on the bunk, my dear.”

Skywalker gave Cody a nod of greeting and followed his padawan over to the box, the two of them making short work of unpacking what had to be two dozen figurines.

“They got my eye color wrong AGAIN,” Skywalker complained, holding up a box and waving it at his master. Cody took it when offered– the figurine was otherwise accurate, except that Skywalker’s eyes were brown instead of blue.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have Spossiped so aggressively at the company, then,” General Kenobi said mildly, his eyes twinkling.

“He does it to spite me, I’m sure. You accidentally cause a wardrobe malfunction for someone one time, and they mess up your action figures forever,” the 501st’s general pouted.

“Oooh, oh my stars, the montrals on this one are so wrong,” Commander Tano said gleefully, as she picked up the box Cody'd pointed out earlier.

Skywalker plucked the box out of her hand, scrutinizing it carefully before looking at the other boxes in comparison. “Oh, that’s a good one,” he said, nodding approval.

“I don’t get it,” Cody offered. “Why is it okay that her montrals are wrong, but bad that yours are the wrong eye colors?”

General Kenobi snorted.

“All of the eye colors on all of Anakin’s figurines are wrong, which means it’s done on purpose and not a manufacturing defect. It also means none of them have a higher value than others. Ahsoka having a rare defective figurine means that if she ever needs to sell it, she’ll be able to get more money for it than Anakin would for one of his, although, of course, now that Anakin has a third figurine, the collectors are going to want to collect the whole series, which means you still have serious value, padawan mine.”

Skywalker grumbled. “Yeah, but he still should get my eye color right.”

“Do you … know the person who makes them?” It certainly sounded like it.

Commander Tano nodded, as if this were obvious.  “Oh, sure, it’s Master Averross’ brother’s company, but Master Rael is the one who tells them what figurines to put out and when.” She went on to explain that this Rael Averross was apparently General Kenobi’s lineage uncle– however that worked– and was also a former padawan of Count Dooku. “His family comes from money and he’s still friendly with them, so … Jedi action figures that aren’t, like, totally wrong or exploitative.”

That sounded like tax evasion-- or something like that, at least if some of the figurines were being sent to the Jedi instead of being sold and the proceeds donated.  When he said so, his general waved a hand as if to say details, details, irrelevant, my dear Cody.  With real brush-off action, even.

“Oh, well, the Jedi figurines are a very small part of the business, they mostly make other types of toys, and they really do donate most of the monies to the Order directly.” With a grimace, he added, “You have to understand, we don’t have a lot of discretionary money for individual expenditures, and by nature of our non-profit status as well as our vows, it would be inappropriate for individuals in the Order to have much in the way of personal income or savings.... But the figurines are innocent enough, and they provide a source of income if an individual Jedi needs some cash quickly.”

“Master Obi-Wan sold all his Sith-Killer Senior Padawan figurines to buy extra bacta after Point Rain,” Skywalker informed Cody seriously. “Those are the hottest figurines of them all. "

Of course that was how the general spent his money.  Of course.

“No, the Knight Kenobi figurines with the cream tunics and the visible collarbones and the long hair are the sexiest,” Commander Tano interrupted her master, eyes twinkling.

“I said hottest, Snips,” Skywalker shot back, “meaning the most collectible and most in demand, and I do not want to hear the word sexy coming out of your mouth anywhere near Obi-Wan’s name.”

“Nor do I,” Cody’s general said, turning bright red. “Kindly keep that gossip out of my hearing and sight so I have some plausible deniability, please.”

“I’ll use my private Spossip account, not my public one, promise,” Commander Tano said, grinning as she sorted through the rest of the box.

“Oh, cool, they have the one with you killing that serpent!” the general’s grandpadawan called, before crossing the room to show it to Cody.

“Very nice, and he’s even wearing his armor for once,” Cody agreed, with a side glance at his general, who was too busy sniping about the fact that “Rael utterly failed to put the correct details about the reason why that serpent attacked, I wouldn’t want people to think I was slaying serpents without provocation, I'm not some ecological villain.”

Kenobi looked especially heroic in this figurine, all perfect swooshy hair and fancy posing– whoever’d designed it actually liked him, and it showed.  His figurine not only had "Real Swooshing Lights and Sounds," but "Master of Soresu Poseable Limbs."

Cody shook his head.  For a religious order, the Jedi were pretty modern in letting their people have their own social media-– not to mention remarkably blase about all the pornography with actors dressed up as Jedi.  It was practically a full time job keeping their men from clogging up the coms lines with all their downloads of knock-off Jedi romance and porn vids, and it drove Chat nuts chasing after them to stop @ing their generals on Spossip instead of using GAR-approved lines of communication.

Eventually, Skywalker and Tano ran out of energy, and took the box–- absent a half-dozen figurines left on the general’s bunk–- with them. The general wafted the leftovers into a footlocker at the side of the room.

“I’m sorry for the interruption, Cody, but I knew Ahsoka would be excited to get her first figurine.”  Kenobi smiled as he said it, expression fond as it always was when he talked about his grandpadawan.

It wasn’t a problem, so Cody said so. It’d been a while since he’d seen the General just laughing and teasing someone, instead of taunting someone in battle.

“I was going to head planetside for latemeal– some of Ghost are doing a cookout on the beach with some fish the locals said was good,” Cody said, rising. “You still haven’t gone planetside yet, and you said you would,” he added.

Nagging the general didn’t work, mostly, but reminding him of a promise he’d made?  Well. Cody was adaptable and observant, and not above a little emotional blackmail.

Kenobi gave him a sidelong glance as if he knew perfectly well what Cody’s angle was, but he didn’t argue. Powering his datapad down, he smiled and gathered his robe, even though Cody was pretty sure he wasn’t going to need it and was probably going to leave it behind given the littlest distraction.

“Exactly how did General Skywalker cause a wardrobe malfunction?” he asked as they set off to the shuttles.

“Well, Rael is known to be even more of a maverick than my master was, but that notwithstanding… he was a regent for the young princess on Pijal for some time, and…”

The story was too weird to anything but true.  By the time they landed and made it to the cookout site, where everyone paused to yell a welcome at them, Cody’s sides hurt from laughing so hard, and Kenobi was looking amused and less tense than he usually did.

It wasn’t slaying a serpent, but getting Kenobi off the ship and out in the fresh air was the kind of action Cody was pretty sure not a lot of other people would manage. Maybe he’d @ the company on Spossip, and suggest a line of clone commander figurines, too. “Now with magical Jedi wrangling powers!” could be his special feature, that and "Droid-Killing Spin-Kicks!"

Snorting at himself, he set his bucket and blaster aside, and used his real poseable limbs to go help himself to the food.