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Pain, Guilt, Selfish

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You were used to death. You saw it every day. Slow and peaceful ones where they part surrounded by their loved ones losing their battle against decease; quick and gruesome ones at the hands of titans that highlighted the hopelessness of the world you lived in. Loved ones or strangers, friends or foes, death was just so common that somewhere along the way it stopped making any difference to you. You had come to terms with it; had come to terms with the fact that maybe more than half the people you know by now, would be dead sooner than you may think. You had come to terms with your own death as well; you were here now, but it would only take an instant for that to change. Life was so fragile. Being a doctor allowed you to fight death every now and then; to give a chance to those who wouldn’t have made it another day if it weren’t for you. But you could only do so much, and death was inevitable.

That’s why it took you by surprise the fact that you were feeling so lost after a comrade’s death. One moment your feet were firm on the ground, and the next it was like you were swept away by a strong wind that left you breathless and not even sure where you were standing.

You heard hesitant and uneven footsteps approach from behind, but you didn’t move from your place on the roof of the hospital you worked in sometimes. You kept your eyes in the distance, on the falling sun that signaled the end of this horrendous day. Though even if the sun was about to set, the same sun would rise tomorrow. A day ended, but there was no end to this nightmare. You could only imagine the horrors tomorrow would bring, because it certainly wouldn’t bring anything that could take away your sorrow.

The person who was approaching finally settled by your side and you could see in your peripheral vision that it was Levi. Of course it was him, who else would it be?

Who else other than the person who probably got what you were feeling on that moment better than anyone else in the world? Who else other than the person who had known you the longest and therefore also knew you the best? Who else other than the person who probably cared about how you were feeling the most (even though he tried his damn best to limit the things he allowed himself to care about)?  But also, who else other than the one person who made a pang of guilt assault your heart by his mere presence on your side? The universe was fucked up like that.

He didn’t speak, and you truly appreciated his silence from the bottom of your heart. Nothing he could say would make you feel better, and both of you knew better than to waste time on meaningless words to each other.

Even then, he was here for a reason. Because he cared and worried about you, just as much as you cared and worried about him. Because he knew you had to let out whatever you were feeling if you were even thinking about retaining the tiniest bit of sanity. So he waited, because he knew you needed time to organize your thoughts; you were emotionally clumsy like that. But also, you knew he wasn’t there for your sake alone. You knew he needed to be able to express his grief however he could, and if he was going to do that in front of anyone, it’d definitely be you. He was the one who had lost his entire squad and had gotten himself injured trying not to lose anymore comrades; this was his pain. You had no right to feel the way you were feeling, and yet…

The sun had set, and darkness was starting to settle over the both of you. That seemed to fit better; the dark atmosphere really matched both of your dark moods, and the darkness of the horrors of that day.

“It’s been so long since I’ve felt anything,” you started, finally managing to convey into words some of the things that were eating at you at that moment “I really thought I had ran out of tears to cry.” You concluded, your voice breaking on the last word and letting tears finally start streaming down your face.

Pain

He slowly wrapped his arms around you, something he had only done a handful of times in all of the many years you had known each other. And like each and every single time, you rested your head on his chest and embraced him back, feeling small and weak and vulnerable. Levi scooped you up into his arms easily, in spite of his injured leg, while you sobbed into his chest and he sat on the floor with you on his lap, rocking you back and forth. He let you cry your eyes out, and you didn’t look at his face a single time, knowing he preferred to have privacy when any sort of emotion crossed on his face, and allowing him that privacy if he wanted to let anything out on that moment. You pretended not to notice the single tear that mingled with your own.

How long you stayed there, only god knew. Keeping track of time was the last thing on your mind at that moment. But it was long enough for your tears to dry out and for you to be able to start breathing through your nose again. Levi didn’t let you go for a moment.

“She loved you, you know?” Small sentences were all you managed between long intervals of silence.  That was how the two of you mostly worked. Silence could carry so much more than any words both of you could say, and still you spoke. Because you had to, because even though this was his pain, there was a reason why you were feeling it just as much, if not even more so than him.

Guilt

“I know.” He responded. What else was he supposed to say?

Petra had loved him. That was clear to pretty much anyone who spent even a little time around her when Levi was present. And even if it hadn’t been easy to tell, she had confessed her feelings for him to you. You had liked Petra; the two of you had become friends easily. She had the type of personality where she was easy to talk to. She was approachable and kind and sweet, and everything you were not, but you still clicked. So she confessed her feelings for him to you, thinking perhaps that maybe there was something going on between you and Levi. You had told her there wasn’t; you had encouraged her.

You had lied.

Because even though what Levi and you had wasn’t something either one of you would describe as romance, it wasn’t true that there was nothing going on between the two of you. You were dancing on that line between friends and lovers, and you even crossed it multiple times by going to bed together. But both of you saw a relationship of that kind as a weakness. The world you lived in was a merciless place, and having someone that important to you, or giving that kind of power to someone over your life could potentially devastate you. As soldiers of the Scouting Legion, you couldn’t afford to put your heart in the hands of someone who could very well drop dead tomorrow.

It wasn’t like you would feel any less if Levi were to die tomorrow by calling him your long-time friend instead of calling him your lover, but hope was a dangerous thing. Accepting a relationship would entail you hoped things would get better; it would mean you thought there was a chance for it to work out. But something like that could never work out; not on this world. You both knew it was pointless to think otherwise. And honestly, it felt like if you would ever allow yourself that sort of weakness, it would only bring forth tragedy all that sooner. You weren’t a pessimist, you liked to call yourself a realist; because the worst case scenario always ended up becoming true.

So you both decided it was best to not tempt fate. Even after the times you crossed the line, you went back to hiding behind it again. Things were easier that way, knowing you could go back to the way things were like before. Honestly, maybe you were both just fooling yourselves, but it was better to think that such a thing was possible instead of accepting how completely and utterly screwed you were.

You told Petra there was nothing between you and Levi. You left her be relieved by that fact, and left her think it was possible for her to have a chance with him. And now she was dead, and all you could think about was the way you had deceived your good friend.

“Stop it with that constipated face of yours.” Levi interrupted your train of thought.

You looked up at his face to find his intense gaze on you. You always reprimanded his “jokes” about constipation and shit, and he probably said that to distract you from the things on your mind. Maybe he didn’t know exactly what it was you were thinking about, but he probably thought you were reading too much into things. Levi always hated the moments when you got quiet like this and let your mind run wild, because he thought you were doing more harm than good to yourself with your thoughts. He was looking at you like he wanted to tell you it wasn’t worth it. Like there was no point in dwelling over anything; what was done was done. But in your mind there was a gentle smile and there were kind words you didn’t deserve. A friendship you took for granted and now it was gone.

“I can’t.” You told him, because other than pulling your brain out of your head to make it stop, you couldn’t think of a way to just not think.

Levi put one of his hands on your jaw, lifting your face towards his, and kissed your lips gently. You didn’t return the kiss, but you leaned towards him, allowing him to do with your mouth whatever he pleased; letting his warmth envelop you. Levi didn’t prolong it, though. Breaking the kiss he looked at you seeking more than just approval.

You shook your head slightly, averting your gaze from his. “It’s a bad time.”

Levi brought his lips to your ear and kissed it softly, then opened his mouth to flick his tongue against it, making you shiver from head to toe. “I think we should” Was his simple reply.

Selfish

When he brought his lips back to yours a second time, you easily turned it into a passionate and provocative kiss. It never took much to get you into the mood and Levi knew that better than anyone.  He started caressing your sides, from hips to shoulders and back down, while you sucked on his tongue. Your breathing was getting heavier by the second and his touch was making you shiver, but Levi wasn’t any better off if the low moan forming on his throat was anything to go by.

You broke the kiss and straddled his lap, while Levi placed his hands firmly on your hips to bring you closer to him. Both of you grunted in unison when the movement made your arousals rub against each other. You moved your hips in slow circles to repeat the stimulation, while Levi placed his hands on your ass as he thrust his hips upwards to meet your movements with his own.  This little game had you both letting soft little moans into the night air and panting in overwhelming pleasure.

Levi brought his lips to your neck, sucking and kissing and biting, while you ran your fingers through his soft hair, pulling him closer.

There was nothing else on your mind now; nothing but Levi’s touches, his scent and the pleasure coursing through your body. You were sure if you kept going like that you could both cum that way, still fully clothed. But you were selfish.

The moment this stopped, everything that was on your mind would come crashing right back. Levi provided you with a distraction, it would be foolish to not hold onto it for as long as you could. Besides, you knew all too well how good Levi looked naked, and how amazing he felt inside of you. So you were selfish, and greedy. You wanted him. And if he wasn’t making you feel so good and looking like he was enjoying it just as much as you were, you probably would’ve stopped to think of a million reasons why this was a bad idea. Well, it was a good thing he was.

You put your hands on Levi’s broad shoulders to push him away from your neck; he got quite acquainted with it, he surely left marks. Levi was certainly much stronger than you, but he followed suit anyway.

He looked the same way you felt: a mess. A flushed, blown pupils, sweaty and panting mess. It was always amusing to you how he never complained about the exchange of sweat and saliva and any other bodily fluids; he was surprisingly dirty during sex for such a clean freak. Not that you would ever complain about that, it was amazing the things he was willing to do to you with his tongue.

So you brought your shaky hands to his chest to start unbuttoning his shirt. You always loved this part; the part where you got to undress Levi and drink his body in with your eyes. It had been long since you stopped being self-conscious about the fact that Levi could actually see you staring hungrily at him. It wasn’t like you weren’t also on the receiving end of the same looks from him.

Once you exposed his chest you started trailing open-mouthed kisses down his collarbone, flicking your tongue on the skin you managed to uncover. Levi sucked in a breath through his mouth, and shivered every time your tongue made contact with his skin. He tasted and felt so good under your touch; every reaction you got out of him just added on to your arousal. While you were kissing his abs, you also traced your fingers on the soft skin over the hard muscles of his chest, scratching your nails against it just a little, eliciting a moan from Levi.

He suddenly grabbed you by your forearms and pushed you away from him ever so slightly, forcing you to stop your ministrations on his body. You bit your lip; you certainly weren’t done with him yet, and stared at his muscled torso wishing you could put your mouth on it again. You tried to do just that, but Levi just replaced his grip on you by your shoulders instead, and used his superior strength to keep you away.

“That’s enough teasing.” He warned you in that husky voice you loved; the one that let you know how into it he really was. Not that the face he was making and all of his little noises up until now hadn’t been confirmation enough, his voice just added such a nice little touch to the whole thing. You wanted him. Right now.

Levi ripped your shirt open with both hands, making the buttons fly everywhere. The contact of the cool night air with your sweaty skin had you trembling, but not as much as Levi’s touch did when he brought one of his hands up to massage your breast through your bra. And when he got that out of the way too you straight up mewled in pleasure. You then crashed your mouth into his for a desperate kiss; your teeth clanked against each other and you pushed your tongue as far as it could go into his mouth. Levi hummed in approval, while he treated himself to your breasts, massaging them softly and thumbing your nipples. You broke the kiss with a gasp when you felt his fingers pinch your right nipple, loving the sensation it sparked throughout your body.

“Thought you said enough with the teasing” You told him accusingly.

Levi smirked. “On your part, yeah.”

But before you could protest he claimed your lips once again in a messy kiss that was all tongues, making you forget about anything other than the feel of his mouth against yours. You felt him working on the zipper of your pants and so you started to unbuckle his belt as well, wanting nothing more than to finally have him inside of you. Your current position didn’t allow for him to take off your pants, though, so you had to let go of his fly and stand up so that you could remove them completely yourself, throwing them to the side along with your underwear. You straddled Levi’s lap again, now wearing nothing but your unbuttoned shirt and unclasped bra. Feeling way too bare, you finally removed Levi’s shirt completely and threw it away with your discarded pants, it was only fair.

He stared at you for a long moment. You saw his gaze travel from your eyes, to your lips, down your exposed chest until it finally settled between your spread legs. Not taking his eyes off of you he picked up where you left off, finally taking his cock out of his pants. As soon as it was on sight, you reached for it and started stroking his length, all hard and thick and dripping. Levi bit his lips around a moan when you thumbed the slit, grabbing your hips hard enough to bruise and pulling you closer to him.

“Damn it, (name)!” He groaned, and you knew he was getting impatient. Well, frankly, so were you.

You made eye contact with Levi and sustained it while you took hold of his cock and guided it to your entrance. You lifted your hips so that you could line up with and lower yourself into it; once the tip was inside Levi closed his eyes and tilted his head back in pleasure, but you kept your eyes trained on his face as you lowered yourself until you were completely seated on his lap with his cock fully inside of you. The stretch you felt was pleasant; it was satisfying to be finally full, to feel him all hard and hot filling you completely. You tightened your insides a little and Levi let out a guttural moan. Now it was your turn to smirk, but Levi was too far gone to care, moving his grip from your hips to your ass and pulling out almost completely, only to thrust back in again. This time, both of you moaned.

You put your hands on his shoulders for support and used the muscles of your legs to help you move up and down matching Levi’s thrusts. It didn’t take long for the two of you to find a rhythm that satisfied you. You were putting a lot of strain on your legs with your movements, but being a soldier, your legs were in good shape and could take the strain. Besides, even if you weren’t in good shape, you were pretty sure you could endure anything if it meant you would keep being fucked the way Levi was doing you.

A particular thrust had your knees going weak and moaning obscenely, so you searched for Levi’s lips again to shut yourself up, biting into them. You felt Levi smirk into the kiss; yes, he had found the place that drove you crazy.

“There?” He broke the kiss to ask you smugly.

“Yes!” You hissed, not even bothering to feel offended by his smug tone, pulling his face down a little to kiss at his temple.

You tangled one of your hands through his hair and pulled at it, not too hard to hurt. You knew Levi liked it, and sure enough he groaned in approval.

You knew it wouldn’t be too long now.

You quickened your pace, and the sounds leaving your mouth could almost echo Levi’s own.

“So… good!” You managed to say between thrusts.

Levi bit his lip around a smirk, an expression that told you he couldn’t agree more. He then focused his gaze on your breasts, which were bouncing up and down freely with your movements, but you couldn’t bring yourself to feel self-conscious about it. In fact, you reveled on his attention.

Suddenly, Levi grabbed you by your waist, only to lay you carefully on your back on the floor, changing positions so that he was now on top of you instead. He supported his weight with his forearms on each side of you and that’s when he started really giving it to you.

Each thrust had you seeing stars, and they were coming quicker every time. You put your hands on his bare back, digging your nails into it and wrapped your legs around Levi’s waist to bring him closer with each thrust. Levi’s mouth was on one of your nipples, sucking on it, and you both were letting out sounds of pleasure. So close; you were so close now. You planted your feet on Levi’s ass as if to keep him there, and that did it. You let out a scream that turned into a moan as your orgasm hit you. Your arousal pulsated deliciously around Levi’s cock, making waves of pleasure course through your body. It didn’t take long for Levi to follow suit, the tightening of your insides while you reached your orgasm pushing him over the edge.

Levi bit at your shoulder to keep himself from being too loud, but he still let out lewd sounds as he ejaculated inside of you. He kept thrusting into you until there was not a drop left, and the overstimulation had you mewling.

He finally pulled out and collapsed on top of you, panting as heavily as you were, and you both lied down there until your breathings evened out.

You suddenly felt so tired; tired and exhausted and sleepy. But you were at the hospital roof, almost completely naked, sweaty and sticky and gross. You could hardly go to sleep under those conditions. It was strange though that Levi hadn’t moved; sure, he didn’t mind being gross during sex, but this was after, and even you were starting to get uncomfortable with the cum that was dripping from your insides. Then you remembered his injured leg. Shit.

“Levi!” You started, but he interrupted you, putting a finger to your lips.

“’m fine” He replied, still a little out of breath.

 “Your leg” You said in a serious tone.

“It’s fine, I didn’t put strain into it.” Levi looked like he wanted to roll his eyes.

You let out a heavy sigh. “Get dressed, I’ll check you up in my office.”

Knowing it was futile to argue against it, Levi also let out a sigh and finally disentangled himself from you, doing as you said. Even if he was telling the truth, you wouldn’t believe him. One too many times he had brushed off his injuries as nothing and you had grown to not believe a word he said when it came to his own health. You both dressed up in silence and you pulled a handkerchief out of your discarded pants to clean yourself up a bit before going to take a bath, and then disposed of the piece of cloth.

Then you noticed Levi staring at you with a confused look on his face.

“What?” You asked, frowning.

He pointed at your shirt. “I know you’re not planning to go down there with your shirt like that, are you?”

You looked down at yourself, as if you needed the reminder that several buttons of your shirt were missing and hence, your shirt was mostly open. “Well, somebody couldn’t be bothered to actually unbutton my shirt instead of ripping it open, so what other choice do I have?”

Levi frowned at you as if you were accusing him of something unfairly. “Tsk.” He clicked his tongue.

You rolled your eyes and started to make your way to the door that leads downstairs, only to be stopped by Levi’s hand holding your arm. You looked back at him, confused.

“Don’t you have some spare coats and shit in your office?”

“Yes, in my office, which is downstairs down the hall.” You rolled your eyes again.

“Smartass. I’m saying I’ll get one for you. Give me your keys.” He said annoyed.

You pulled your keys from your pocket and gave them to him. “If you insist.” You replied, amused.

This time, Levi was the one who rolled his eyes, as he took your keys from your hands and made his way downstairs.

You could see that he was making an effort not to limp, but an injury such as the one he sustained wasn’t something to be taken lightly. Guilt overwhelmed you for a moment when you realized you didn’t even think about his injury for a second while he was making you his. What a great doctor you were.

You took a deep breath and folded your arms around the midsection of your body. You were feeling… empty. So much had been lost that day, so much had happened, and you were tired. Physically and emotionally tired, and you just wanted to go to sleep.

Levi returned with a white coat and you wrapped it around yourself, buttoned it up, and took his hand for him to follow you back to your office to check him up.

You were quiet as you removed his bandages and examined his foot. With the medicines you had given him before, the swelling should’ve gone down already, but it didn’t look like it had even a little bit. No matter how much Levi wanted to act tough, the injury had to hurt like hell and he shouldn’t be carelessly walking around until it healed properly.

“Remind me again how did you get hurt?” You asked him while you replaced the bandages with new ones after massaging the injury with some ointment for the pain.

“I told you it was getting that brat Eren back from the giant bitch.” Levi bit his lip when you tightened the bandages around his foot to restrict mobility.

You hummed thoughtfully. While yes, the female type had been one tough nut to crack, you couldn’t imagine Levi having that much trouble against her that he would even get injured in the process. You had seen him fight countless titans before; it certainly wasn’t like him to be caught off guard just like that.

“You’re way too old to be turning reckless at this point.” You mentioned as you finished adjusting his bandages in place.

Levi didn’t talk back to you, and that was all confirmation you needed; he hadn’t gotten injured for his own sake.

“You should stay here tonight.” You knew it was pointless to suggest it, but you had to try anyway.

“No.” Was all Levi said.

“You’re a damn difficult patient, you know that?” You scolded him.

“And you’re a damn annoying doctor. What difference does it make where I stay at?” He retorted.

There was no point trying to convince him of anything when he was being stubborn like this.

“Then I’ll stay with you.” Levi started to protest but you cut him off. “That’s the deal.” If he could be a stubborn little thing, then so could you.

The discussion ended there, and you spent the night together back at the HQ.

Days like this ended up making you feel so worthless. Like everything you did couldn’t make any difference whatsoever. You were too small and too powerless; anything you did was too little, too late. Because being trapped within the walls made you feel like your hands were tied. Your resources were too limited, and death ended up winning one too many times. It was especially on moments like this when you were glad that Levi was there for you.

You were glad his arms were around you, helping you keep yourself together; his voice in your ear helping you keep your sanity; his lips on yours reminding you that not everything was bad in the world.

Levi buried his face in your hair, and you both fell asleep that way. A reminder that no matter what happened and despite all the things you had to face in your everyday lives, at the end of the day, you still had each other.

 

 

 

 

Fin.