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when you've come undone

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It has to happen now.

Gahyeon focuses on twirling her long strands around her fingers as her heart skitters in circles and her stomach turns. She has spent too many nights staring at this very ceiling, thinking of the body one blanket away from being on hers. Too many times she finds her eyes locked onto that pout, something stirring in her chest when the corners quirk into a little smirk. A sigh escapes her.

Handong doesn’t look up from her book, but she heard Gahyeon huff. She knows it. Handong is quiet and subtle, but observant. She picks up on details. If she was a cat, Gahyeon would see her ear swivel slightly to her direction. Actually, Handong’s not all that much unlike a cat. She has that sort of aloof, independent attitude to her — that attitude that keeps Gahyeon trailing after her like a planet locked in orbit, that strays but never pulls away too far away, forever circling a path that draws her back in close. Even after being roommates for years and learning each other’s ins-and-outs they still stick to each other.

Sometimes Gahyeon feels a little like a school girl with a crush with the way she admires Handong. But Gahyeon’s too loud and clingy to be the shy, modest protagonist with a crush on the Cool Girl character Handong would play in this movie. And the reclusive Cool Girls of teen movies would trail after Handong too. The Cool Girls are ultimately hiding, always keeping some sort of secret part of their character hidden, trying to remain untouchable. And Gahyeon’s hands are touched, often, by Handong’s elegant fingers that trail over the lines the dips by her knuckles carefully. She’s by no means the leech that Bora is, who holds hands with her friends as fiercely as she does everything else, with determination, steady as a statement of her loyalty to any onlooker. Handong doesn’t give Gahyeon touches as any sort of declaration, but she doesn’t have to. Handong doesn’t need to tell her that there is a space in her life that is specifically molded to suit Gahyeon’s shape.

It’s in the way Handong’s chest and arms welcome Gahyeon for soft hugs after long tired days full of frustration and huffed out sighs. And even if her hands are busy with the pages of a book, like they are now, she has abandoned the words on the pages for the fumbling thoughts Gahyeon tries to untangle and make sense, and her heart is as open as her arms. Maybe it’s not Handong finding bliss in Gahyeon’s wide dark eyes, or their hearts and souls becoming bonded for life, or some other lifelong romantic devotion. Maybe it’s just how they’ve been such compatible roommates over the years and sit in quiet together. Gahyeon can’t put her finger on what it is exactly that’s there, but there is the possibility of something. Opportunity.

Handong is not untouchable, and she is right across the room. And that beautiful rib cage that holds such a treasure of a beating heart isn’t even hidden away under sheets or covers, kept unaware and in the dark.

“Hey, Handong?” Gahyeon’s voice wobbles slightly.

“Mmm?” Gahyeon isn’t looking at Handong, is scared she’ll get lost if she does, but she knows Handong’s soft noise in response came without her looking up from her book. Gahyeon strings together some words as she focuses at the corner of the room where the walls meet the ceiling, picturing how this could all come together. Come on. Get it together. Focus.

“How many people have you kissed?”

She still doesn’t look at Handong, but she can hear the smile of curious amusement curl around her words when she speaks. “Oh? Why is this important now, are you starting a list?”

The list may not just be a teasing remark but also a very real possibility. Gahyeon has started keeping lists of many random topics that may need dragging out for the sake of settling an argument. Bora and Yoohyeon are the worst culprits, but all of their friends love to magnify and exaggerate when conversations turn to debate, especially when it comes to things they all do together - whose meals are always the most expensive when they eat out and someone else is paying, who gets the drunkest when they say they’ll only have a few drinks, who sends the chat a quick “sorry fell asleep” at the most random hours, sometimes even days later, when the excuse means nothing and the sender is just trying to duck out of responsibility (even though they will absolutely get shit from the group chat for it anyways). When Siyeon is trying to claim she doesn’t make out with someone every time they go out to a bar and she spies someone cute, such a list of kisses could come in handy.

A list may not be a bad way to spin this. “No, not exactly… I just haven’t kissed that many people? Like yeah I’ve made out with people here and there, but you know I don’t exactly have the most experience and… I’d just like to do it more.” She risks a glance in Handong’s direction, who just tilts her chin in a slight nod. Damn it, she’s losing her. Gahyeon doesn’t want an ear to listen and support. Handong’s validation in this only matters if it comes with lots of mouth on mouth contact. That’s the kind of support she’s seeking.

Handong’s suggestions will be mild unless Gahyeon gets bold. She’ll meet her where she’s at. She closes her eyes and runs through words and phrases like slot machines at a casino, pinging around “kiss you” and “touch me” and “want.” Inhales through her nose. Clasps her hands on her stomach. Figures out a phrase.

“Can we fool around?” Keep it casual, open to interpretation. Whatever blanks Handong fills in will reveal what she’s thinking, or what she wouldn’t even dare think of. Whatever emotions arise from this phrase will clue Gahyeon in to Handong’s position.

“What?”

The book is closed. Gahyeon’s eyes fly open at the sound of it. That’s a step in the right direction for sure. Handong’s legs uncross and swing over the side of her bed. That’s it? That was far too simple! Ambiguous. Handong has filled in the blank with a question mark, which might as well be another blank in itself. Handong may not be detached but she can be elusive. Gahyeon probably should have been ready for that.

Gahyeon feels her ears warm as she tries to come up with some specifics to keep the ball rolling. “I like kissing, I want to do it more, and… you’ve kissed a lot more people than I have, I just want to like…” she drifts off. Hmm. Maybe aiming for details was a bad idea.

“What, are you looking for kissing lessons?” Handong snorts. “Look up videos on YouTube if you’re really that —”

“No, not lessons! I know how to kiss people Handong!” Gahyeon fights the urge to shove a pillow over her face in frustration for the sake of not coming off like a baby. Handong is really making her feel like one right now. Be an adult! Be forward! Fuck! “I just want to kiss you, okay?” At that, Handong’s mouth parts a bit, like her face was ready to speak but her brain and voice weren’t.

Maybe that’s a bit too much pressure. This isn’t a complete train wreck, and definitely could have ended with Handong throwing her book at Gahyeon’s head, but it’s not going smoothly either. Now that Gahyeon is looking at Handong and has admitted out loud she wants to make out with her, it’s like her brain is trying to justify to herself internally why that makes so much sense. All her feelings are bubbling up to the surface and ready to spill. Handong’s light hair frames her full, high cheekbones and oval jaw like a golden frame around a piece of art. And to justify it to Handong, she just lets out a quiet, “I’ve been thinking about it.”

Handong puts her book to the side of where her thighs are clad in soft flannel pajama pants on the bed. Another step further. If Gahyeon can get that book put on some stable flat surface, they’ll be there. The final step. Like some hacker working to crack into something locked away - she’s in.

“Is that it?” Handong crosses her socked feet at her ankles and looks up at Gahyeon through her lashes. And how is Gahyeon supposed to resist?

Gahyeon sucks her bottom lip into her mouth and bites it to suppress the need to get it around Handong’s own. She just nods.

Handong places the book on the bedside table. Gahyeon holds her breath.

“Then, come here.”

Gahyeon is upright in a flash, giving her head a rush, but she figures she better get used to the sensation if Handong is really being so willing and inviting. There will be many other things to get dizzy about that are much more exciting than crossing the room as fast as possible. As she walks to Handong’s bed, she appreciates the view with the soft bedside lamp warming the curves on Handong’s face where it’s tilted up at Gahyeon. Handong has a few inches on her, so it’s not often Gahyeon gets to see this angle of her features. Her almond eyes seem rounder like this, like Gahyeon can see Handong searching for something new in her gaze.

Gahyeon is comfortable in her little molded space specialized just for her in Handong’s life. But something in this charged moment makes Gahyeon’s toes curl in excitement for the idea of something new happening between them, for the first time in who knows how long.

When Gahyeon leans down to her, Handong’s eyes are already on her mouth.

It’s just a soft press of lips at first, much like their cheek kisses or forehead kisses on a sentimental night. Not enough. She’s not sure who does what, but their lips slot together and capture each other’s as their kiss deepens. As Gahyeon’s hand finds Handong’s jaw, Handong’s breath slips over the seam of their lips and she feels Handong’s fingers on both sides of her hips. Already, Gahyeon’s glad they did this. Even if this is where it ends, even if Handong pushes her away in the next second and says “nope, not into it” and they say goodnight and never speak of this again, at least Gahyeon was weightless at the edge of Handong’s bed, only grounded by her lips and those beautiful hands on her hips, for a moment.

But it’s still not enough. Both of Gahyeon’s hands come to pull Handong’s face in somehow even closer, feeling the brush of her eyelashes on her cheek. She’s probably squishing Handong’s cheeks like this, to get them this close. But Handong’s sigh against Gahyeon has turned into a hungry inhale as she locks her lips around Gahyeon’s plump bottom one.

If Handong is hungry, Gahyeon is starving.

Unable to help herself, she teases her teeth on the seam of Handong’s lips as she closes around them again. The hands on her hips squeeze and sway her closer, and again Gahyeon is floating. That is, until she comes crashing down when Handong’s hands pull her stumbling into her lap. On an even eye level now, Gahyeon’s hands smooth down Handong’s neck as she slips her arms over Handong’s shoulders. Another squeeze to Gahyeon’s hips has her breaking the kiss in a rush of warmth washing over her, and then an even tighter squeeze when Gahyeon’s hands tangle in the hair at the back of Handong’s head. A small lick of tongue gets a little high pitched noises to escape Gahyeon without warning. Their tongues brush against each other and Gahyeon’s now wondering when someone will pinch her to make her believe this is real, and it feels this good.

Patience is not abundant among Gahyeon and her friends, but Handong holds a good portion of it. Even if she herself is checking her watch every few minutes in anticipation, she can swallow it down for the sake of not feeding into the whines of the others’ eager energy. But Handong has also done away with hesitance over the years, adapting to the mind of a go-getter when she has her sights set on something. And now Handong’s hands plant themselves somehow even more sure and bold on Gahyeon’s hips and she drags them forward. Gahyeon has to duck her head for a moment as another small high noise slips out at the surge of heat that runs up her spine. The breath Handong blows into her ear as she dips into the crook of where her neck meets her shoulder makes Gahyeon shiver. As they resume licking into each others’ mouths Handong isn’t shy with her hands, rubbing them up and down the front of Gahyeon’s thighs. A quick moan as they move pushes out of her mouth against Handong’s lips. Gahyeon didn’t know she’d be this easily played with, this noisy from some touches. Maybe it’s just because it’s Handong.

Her hands grab at anywhere they can on Gahyeon’s body, roaming around her ass and clutching at her waist. It’s driving her crazy, needing to take breaks in between kisses just to take a breath against Handong’s neck as she presses simple but needy kisses against the pulse she can feel under the skin. At least Handong’s heart is racing too.

And then Handong’s hands boldly grasp Gahyeon’s ass, and she properly rolls Gahyeon on top of her thighs, so high up to the crease where they meet her hips, and the movement goes so fluidly and feels so perfect she moans, loud. “Oh,” Gahyeon half breathes, half giggles. Handong smiles mischievously at her, and dives to her neck with a wet, open-mouthed kiss. Gahyeon’s head is spinning with all the sensations happening. Teeth nibbling at the spot right behind her earlobe sends air gushing into her lungs with a sharp inhale, and maybe she’s getting lightheaded. When Handong pulls Gahyeon’s hips against her closer yet again, Gahyeon swears she can feel Handong press her own hips up as well, and maybe this is how Gahyeon dies. Or passes out. Or something. "Handong."

Handong is evil. Maybe she’s not a straight up demon like Bora, spawn of hell who somehow find their way to earth and life among mortals just for chaos and havoc. But there’s gotta be a slight sadist streak in her, or at least some sort of inclination for control, because Handong’s eyes in the low light seem to sparkle when she croons, “Yes, Gahyeon?” What a fucking tease.

“I’m gonna die,” Gahyeon huffs out, leaning back a little to gain some semblance of air. Handong’s arms are locked against her, keeping everything below her waist in place. She just leans closer, pressing soft pecks to Gahyeon’s sternum. God, her face is so close to Gahyeon’s tits. She feels like she’s going to go lightheaded again after gaining just one breath. Then Handong’s lips drift lower, pressing a kiss to the top of Gahyeon’s cleavage, and oh she is a relentless tease.

“No you’re not,” Handong murmurs lowly. Her warm breath spreads across the skin of Gahyeon’s chest and she can’t help but lurch into her a bit, to feel that voice against her breasts. Maybe Gahyeon keeps skimming close to death but in truth, she’s never felt more alive.

She digs her fingers into Handong’s hair again, trying to direct her where she’s aching for her attention. “Handong, please…” she whispers. At Handong’s sweet press of lips against the top of where her breast curves, Gahyeon lets out a soft, “yes…” Handong nuzzles into her cleavage with a pleased noise, and Gahyeon can’t help but clutch her impossibly closer. Feeling one of Handong’s hands skim up her ribs, she leads it to fondle the breast that Handong’s lips aren’t biting at.

“Mmm, beautiful…” Handong says almost to herself, and the hum of her throat against her skin sends Gahyeon reeling. She squirms in Handong’s lap, very aware of how her underwear has ridden up and is pressing into her warmth. Part of her wants to take it all off, but a bigger part of her doesn’t want to interrupt this moment for anything. Handong sucks at the soft skin of Gahyeon’s tits, fingers teasing at her nipples briefly, and works her way up to her collarbones. Gahyeon’s long silky hair is swept to the side for Handong to kiss at her neck.

It’s too much, but not enough at all. Gahyeon surges forward with her hands pushing Handong back, til they’re horizontal on her bed. As much as Gahyeon loves to be taken care of, this wasn’t about Gahyeon wanting to feel good; this was about Gahyeon wanting Handong.

And god, does she want her.

Gahyeon bites at Handong’s lips, brushes her hands over Handong’s nipples under her thin tank top. Handong’s hands splay over Gahyeon’s strong shoulder blades, running downward and dipping into her lower back. Gahyeon doesn’t remember ever being this sensitive but it feels like every place Handong touches her feels like she’s never been touched before. Handong sucks on her tongue and Gahyeon is putty in her hands again. With her oversized t-shirt hanging down, Handong easily slips a hand inside to run across her stomach and squeezes when Gahyeon nibbles and kisses at her jaw.

“This what you were thinking about?” Handong says softly.

Again, not looking at her intimidatingly beautiful face makes Gahyeon braver. In between bites on her neck that Handong arches into, she breathes out, “Well now I’m thinking about a lot more.”

Handong must like the sound of that. “Oh, yeah?” She grabs a handful of Gahyeon’s ass with one hand. Handong’s confidence is like magic, really, and Gahyeon’s addicted to the way it’s making her feel. “More?”

“Yeah, more,” she gulps. Handong’s hand slips under her leggings and she rubs over Gahyeon’s bare ass cheek and Gahyeon lets out a little noise.

“Can I take these off?” Handong asks, and Gahyeon nods so hard her head might fall off. They both work to peel the leggings off her, and Gahyeon takes off her underwear too.

“Can you —” Gahyeon pulls at Handong’s waistband of her pajama pants, and Handong is so riled up she’s one step ahead of her. After pulling off her pants, left in just her tank top and simple underwear, Handong climbs over Gahyeon on the bed. Her patience and self control shines through again as she trails her hand up Gahyeon’s inner thigh. Why won’t she just ravish her already? That’s clearly where this is going.

“Touch me,” Gahyeon whines.

Handong’s smile is smug when she replies, “I am, baby.”

Maybe Handong deserves a smack on the arm for all the teasing, but the pet name sounds so sweet coming off her tongue Gahyeon’s brain can’t function long enough to give her shit for it. “Come on, touch me here,” Gahyeon pleads as she pulls her baggy t-shirt up to reveal her bare lower body more in encouragement.

It works. “Wow, look at you,” Handong breathes out as she uses the hands on Gahyeon’s inner thighs to spread them apart. Handong runs two fingers over her folds gently, and Gahyeon practically shakes. It feels like there’s heat radiating off of both of them and the little bit of space between them where they’re tangled up in each other. It makes everything feel hazy. “How do you like it?” Handong asks.

“Anything,” Gahyeon gasps out. She’s going to jump out of her skin. “Inside, inside me, give me anything,” she practically says inside Handong’s mouth as she pulls her down for more kisses. She feels drunk off Handong’s mouth now, can’t get enough of her lips and tongue. Maybe another time she can get those inside of her, too, but right now she can’t wait any more.

Slowly, Handong eases a finger inside Gahyeon. She’s always gentle when it counts. “Fuck, yes,” Gahyeon groans. Handong mostly just keeps the tip of her finger inside so the rest of its length can rub around her, just to tease her more. “Oh, Handong.

“Love how you say my name like that,” Handong purrs into Gahyeons ear as she bites at it. She presses her finger fully in now, and Gahyeon can feel her wetness spreading against her lips and inner thighs as Handong’s hands rub at her. This is just what she needs. But her eyes land on Handong’s bare legs and she feels like she’s going to start drooling.

“Do you feel good? Can I make you feel good?” Gahyeon pants while Handong’s finger works inside her, pressing and twisting a little. Flames lick up her thighs and core. She’s not above begging, just wants to get her hands on Handong, but thankfully Handong is eager too.

“Yeah, sure, sure baby,” Handong says as she positions herself atop one of Gahyeon’s thighs, sitting down. Gahyeon can feel her damp and warm through her underwear, and she guides Gahyeon’s hand to rub at her clit. She tosses her head back with a gasp and rubs herself subtly against Gahyeon’s bare thigh, and god that’s hot. Handong uses her thigh to squeeze between her own and grind against as Gahyeon presses on her clit, which only drives her to grind against Handong’s finger harder.

“Another one, one more, please,” Gahyeon gets out, and Handong nods breathlessly as she slips another inside her with ease. It’s slick and hot, and the thigh not trapped under Handong’s long legs drops against the bed. She writhes upward, tingling all down her limbs, and her touches on Handong get messy.

She shifts her fingers around until Handong moans out an “Oh, that’s good,” when Gahyeon gets her finger a little off the side of her clit. She massages over it and around the side again and again, loving how it gets Handong to rock into her touch. Her brain feels like it’s going to flatline when Handong’s fingers angle a bit forward and she chokes out another needy noise. The pleasure only continues to increase, and she can’t help but chase it with her hips as it builds in intensity.

“Fuck,” she spits out, her breath now heaving in and out of her lungs. The pulsing of Handong’s fingers inside her is persistent and unrelenting. Gahyeon knows her abs tightening and stomach clenching is her body working up to her peak, and she rocks her hips down onto Handong’s fingers in an even quicker rhythm. “Oh my god, oh - ” Gahyeon cuts herself off with a loud moan. It’s almost too good. Handong’s movements inside continue, shifting her hand’s angle so the side of it brushes against Gahyeon’s clit with every movement, and that gets her thighs trembling like crazy.

“Don’t stop, d-don’t — Handong —” Gahyeon stutters out. One hand rubbing tightly at Handong’s clit and one hand tangled in Handong’s messy short hair, Gahyeon feels like she’s being tied up in knots inside, sweat starting to coat her skin. It builds and builds, buzzing underneath her skin growing louder and more intense.

“Come on, baby, fuck,” Handong grits out as she clenches against Gahyeon’s strong thigh. Gahyeon’s finger against her slips as she writhes. her head is starting to feel fuzzy, and she’s floating again, she feels so high —

“Oh shit, oh Handong, I— hah, Handong — !” The noises are high and loose, uncontrollably escaping her now. She has to abandon her efforts on Handong’s groin to squeeze at her hips and ass, anywhere to just hold on for dear life as she trembles. She knows her fingernails are digging into Handong’s skin as she tumbles over the edge, something inside her breaking and snapping as she moans the loudest she has yet. She feels the warmth spread all throughout her body, followed by a rush of tingling. Handong keeps swirling her two fingers around inside her until Gahyeon has to guide them out of herself, jerking too much to continue.

Through the room spinning around them, Gahyeon can see Handong is still moving in a small grind on her thigh, and Gahyeon sucks her own thumb into her mouth. Handong has done a lot of the work, fingering Gahyeon so good she came the hardest she has in a long time. So she gets her thumb nice and wet with her tongue, then gets back to work on Handong’s clit.

Handong nearly doubles over, planting kisses all over Gahyeon’s face as she gasps out heavy breaths. Her legs clamp around Gahyeon and she quakes, losing rhythm but always pushing into Gahyeon’s hand on her. She cups Gahyeon’s face with one hand and kisses her messily, but Gahyeon welcomes it, swirling her tongue around hers. Handong squeaks out a noise Gahyeon has never heard from her before as she continues moving her hips rapidly. Gahyeon traps Handong’s lips between hers even as her mouth keeps opening to pant and gasp, and she tucks her head into the crook of Gahyeon’s neck when she comes, twitching and jerking forward until she slows significantly, riding it out.

After a minute or two of just catching their breath, Handong props herself on an elbow, hovering over her. Gahyeon feels like jello, partly from the pleasure still radiating through her, but also being reduced to mush by the way Handong’s looking at her right now. Her bright, perfect teeth shine in a smile so sweet maybe it’s an angel, and Gahyeon has actually died. dramatic.

Nope, it’s just Handong. It’s still her, and she’s still there, her heavy breath on Gahyeon’s skin as she stays up close in her space. Her smile is just as brilliant. She brushes some hair out of Gahyeon’s face and fondly tucks it behind her ear. The emotional warmth is just as contagious as the physical, Gahyeon’s lips spreading in a grin in return.

A giggle escapes her before she can help it. “That was good, Dongie.” Handong chuckles softly as well.

“So you like kissing me, huh?” Handong’s voice has an edge of humor to it once again. The arm not keeping her upright runs back and forth along Gahyeon’s side, as if she needs comfort from the teasing Handong is about to unleash. Again, she is relentless.

“You liked it too!” Gahyeon shoots back, automatically defensive.

Handong biting down on her lip and giving her that sultry look in response gets Gahyeon to clamp her mouth shut and cease any protests. She’s such a picture, light hair tossed over her shoulder, with her tank top strap askew on her slim shoulders. The gap of skin between the top of her underwear and the end of her little shirt is taunting her. She could just reach out and touch it.

“Uh, yeah, of course Idid. Who doesn’t like orgasms, Gahyeon?” she rolls her eyes, but the smile still dances on her lips. She finally flops to the side and joins Gahyeon in lying down on the bed. Gahyeon scooches closer, and presses a kiss to Handong’s jaw. Handong returns it with a quick peck to her forehead.

“Touché,” Gahyeon sighs and flings an arm over her midsection, limbs too loose to be controllable. She just wants to touch Handong in some sort of way.

It’s often that Gahyeon looks for a simple way to keep a point of physical contact, whether it’s keeping her calf propped over Handong’s legs when they’re both reading on the couch or looping their arms when they walk down the sidewalk. Handong is real, and she’s just so touchable. She lets Gahyeon touch her. And she touches Gahyeon back.