Ian didn't know why but the urge to actually talk to Mickey about what he had done kept getting stronger and stronger.
Honestly he was afraid, even if he was manic or not himself that didn't just erase the fact that he cheated on Mickey. Mickey the person who he's always wanted to himself and has now finally.
Ian doesn't want to face the diagnosis but if he didn't than what does that mean for the cheating? Would that mean he willingly cheated on Mickey? The sheer thought disgusted him, flashes of body parts of random strangers appeared in his head but never any faces. The only face he ever sees is Mickey's.
He really wants to express everything he's thinking and feeling to the man he loves, he really loves whose currently wrapped around his arms in bed.
He shifts closer to the beautiful boy, beautifully broken boy. He knows Mickey's hurting and puts on a tough act for Ian's sake but what are his feelings?
Ian places a kiss to his neck and thinks about how grateful he is for what Mickey's all done for him. He's pushed aside the reckless actions Ian's done and the cheating in order to be there with all he can to help Ian get better, or at least functional.
Ian can feel Mickey stir and a wave of panic rushes over him, 'back out' his brain tries to convey to him but he's not going to listen he must do this.
"I am now."
"I need to talk to you."
Mickey turns around so he's facing Ian.
"What is it? You alright?"
"That's just it, I am but what about you?"
Ian can see the confusion written on Mickey's face.
"What are you talking about?"
"Mick, I cheated on you..." He sees Mickey's expression contort into an unknown unreadable emotion or is it a bunch of emotions at once "and I'm bipolar."
"We don't have to talk about this."
Ian sighs, "yes we do, I need to."
"What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to tell me how you're actually feeling."
"What good will that do?"
Ian can feel himself on the verge of tears and he knows Mickey can tell because instead of him holding the shorter man in his arms Mickey shifts switching their positions so Ian's the one being held, his face buried into Mickey's chest.
"I'm not going to lie to you Ian, I'm hurt. No matter how much I understand that you weren't you during it it still doesn't change the fact that it happened."
Ian can feel a tear fall down his face, Mickey wipes it.
"This is why I didn't want to talk about this, I don't want to hurt you."
"This isn't about me Mickey, this is about you."
It's Mickey's turn to sigh now, "it's not like I've never hurt you before."
"Not it's not.. you have but this is different we were finally in a good place and I go and.. It's all I ever dreamed of from you and more. I ruined it."
Ian can't look Mickey in the eyes, instead he keeps his face buried in his chest. He feels Mickey's hand brush against the hair on his head.
"Look at me Ian."
He slowly builds up the courage to do so. His eyes meet Mickey's, he can't read them. Then Mickey takes Ian's face in his hands and places a gentle kiss to his lips, lingers there but then he brings his forehead forward to press against Ian's.
"You didn't ruin anything, just because I'm hurt doesn't mean I'm going to leave or that I don't want you anymore. Because I do, I want you and I know you want me too."
The tension in Ian's body diminishes, he didn't even know it was there or that he'd been carrying so much until now.
Ian can feel the words on the tip of his tongue they've been there for a long time but now's not the time. Mickey deserves them more than Ian can give at this moment. Instead Ian shifts so he's no longer in Mickey's grasp instead he's shoulder to shoulder with Mickey. He takes his hand in his and brings it up to his mouth, gently places a kiss to the back of it.
They sit like that for a while, in silence just taking in all from the other when Mickey stirs.
"About time you realize you're stuck with me."
A genuine smile forms on Ian's face, it's been so long he didn't think he could genuinely smile still. He's never been happier than when those words reached his ears. He couldn't imagine anything better.