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I Don’t Really Care If You Cry (but I so do)

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Bianca awoke to the sound of knocking on her hotel room door. Without even looking at the clock, she knew it was super late so she stayed quiet, hoping that whoever was at her door would think she wasn’t there and go away. Much to her dismay, the knocking just got more frantic as the minutes past.

 

“Alright, alright I’m coming” she grumbled, getting out of bed and slipping on a tank top and some sweatpants before stumbling across the room to the door, where the knocking still hadn’t stopped.

 

“What the fuck do you want you stupid son of a b-“ Bianca cut herself off when she caught sight of a clearly distressed Adore standing in front of her. The younger queen trembled as she stared at Bianca with panic in her eyes.

 

To say Bianca was confused would be an understatement. The two queens hadn’t gotten along very well so far during filming, so Bianca was wondering why Adore thought she had the right to show up at her doorstep in the middle of the night. Especially to show up crying. How dare she?

 

“Adore, I don’t know what you-“

 

“Can I come in? Please Bianca, I just wanna talk cause I’m freaking out and everyone else is either drunk or asleep. You know I wouldn’t be here if this wasn’t serious and we can go right back to hating each other after this but please…I just really need someone.” Adore rambled.

 

Bianca thought for a moment. She wanted to be mad at Adore and yell in her face that she had been sleeping just like everyone else was when she decided to show up, but she figured that yelling would just cause even more tears and Bianca really didn’t feel like dealing with that right now.

 

“Sure…do your thing.” Bianca said coldly, before turning around and going to lay back down on her bed, leaving the door wide open for Adore to come in.

 

Adore hesitated for a moment before walking into the room and standing awkwardly at the foot of Bianca’s bed. The battle going on in Adore’s head was clear on her face. In other words, the younger queen looked like she was ready to bolt out of there at any moment, and at first, Bianca secretly hoped she would. But the longer she stood there looking so terrified, the more cracks started forming in the ice that surrounded Bianca’s heart and she almost felt bad for Adore…almost.

“You can sit down you know.” Bianca told her, motioning to the empty side of the bed.

Adore bit her lip and sat down at the foot of the bed and kept her gaze on her lap, still not saying anything. She was really about to confess all her insecurities to someone that didn’t even like her. Maybe this was a mistake…

 

“Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong or what?” Bianca asked, nudging Adore with her foot.

 

Adore looked back at her, seeking something in her eyes; reassurance maybe? Whatever it was, she seemed to find it so she took a deep breath and began speaking.

 

“I-I guess I just feel like I don’t deserve to be here. Everyone else is so talented and beautiful and I’m just a fucking mess that doesn’t even know how to sew. I can’t seem to do anything right…like ever. There’s always something wrong with my outfits or my performances and it’s always something so small that I could fix so easily before we get critiqued but I’m too stupid to figure it out and then I just embarrass myself in front of everyone.” Adore explained.

 

“Okay so-“ Bianca started.

 

The younger queen cut her off and continued ranting. “and the judges always have to make some shitty comments about my body, like it’s not my fault I didn’t know I had to cinch. Where I’m from, nobody gives a fuck what my body looks like and neither do I…but here everything’s different. I’m not good enough here. I don’t own boujie ass clothes and I can’t make anything either cause I can’t sew. I wish I could be more polished like everyone else here…I wish I could be more like you.” Adore confessed.

Bianca was quiet for a moment, trying to take in everything Adore just said.

 

“You wanna be more like me, huh? Hate to break it to you but I don’t think the clown gig is gonna work for you…” she joked.

 

“No not that.” Adore said, not in the mood for Bianca’s joke. “I mean, you never get read by the judges because you always have your shit together. You’re good at everything and I fucking hate you for it.” She told her, only half kidding about the last part.

 

Bianca moved across the bed to sit next to Adore and put a hand on her shoulder. “You wanna know the truth?” Bianca asked. Adore nodded.

 

“I don’t always have my shit together. I’m just really good at pretending I do. I’ve been doing drag for longer than you’ve been alive and I’ve learned how to hide my fear, even though every time I go onstage I’m fucking terrified,” she paused. “and if you ever tell anyone that I’m going to have to kill you.”

Adore was silent, first trying to imagine Bianca actually being scared, and then wondering exactly how much truth was behind that threat to kill her.

 

“And as much as it pains me to say it,” Bianca continued, “you do deserve to be here. Ru wouldn’t have picked you if you didn’t. You bring something special into the competition. We all do. Just because your style is different than everyone else’s doesn’t mean it’s wrong. The judges just want to push you to show all sides of your talent; sides that you might not even know you have.”

 

“Yeah I guess you’re right…” Adore replied. “I just wish it didn’t make me feel so shitty”

 

“I know, I’m sorry. And don’t tell anyone I’m being nice, but if you want to get Michelle off your ass about your hog body, I have an extra cincher you can borrow” Bianca told her, walking over to her suitcase to grab it.

“I’m down!” Adore jumped up, her spirits suddenly lifting at the thought of getting help from the older queen.

Bianca walked back towards Adore and handed her the item in her hands. Adore gladly accepted it and wrapped her arms around Bianca for a very unexpected and slightly unappreciated hug.

Bianca froze for a few moments before her facade softened and she wrapped her arms back around Adore and squeezed her tight.

“Thank you so much Bianca, you’re the best!” Adore said excitedly after she pulled back from the hug.

“No problem asshole…and I might even lace you up in it sometime if I’m feeling generous” she told her with a smirk.

Adore’s cheeks turned red and she bit her lip, not knowing what to say. “Well um…thanks for this” she stuttered out, holding up the cincher and turning to walk towards the door.

Bianca followed Adore across the room and opened the door for her. Adore stepped out into the hallway and flashed Bianca a bright smile. “Thanks again B…you really are the best” she told her, and headed back down the hall, entering her own room a few doors down.

Bianca lingered in the doorway for a few moments before shaking her head and chuckling to herself about their whole encounter. Eventually she drug herself back to bed and went to sleep with an unfamiliar warm feeling in her chest. Maybe Adore wasn’t so bad after all.