She didn’t get it.
She didn’t feel beautiful or stunning or gorgeous.
She didn’t even feel pretty.
No matter how many times people would tell her she was, she still couldn’t see it.
And it sucked. It sucked so badly.
Some days, she couldn’t even look in the mirror.
And when she did? Well, let’s just say she considered it a good day when her reflection didn’t completely make her wanna puke.
But that was just her life.
That was the side of Adore Delano that no one saw.
But what would happen if someone did see it?
That question would be answered sooner than Adore had hoped.
She was having a particularly bad day. To make it even worse she had a show tonight with a few other queens from drag race. That meant getting ready in a dressing room with other people. That meant completely exposing all her insecurities in front of those other insanely beautiful queens and that wasn’t something she was really looking forward to.
Adore had always preferred getting into drag in a room by herself. That way no one could watch her…judge her…or possibly even see her in the incredibly fucked up way that she saw herself.
Luckily for her, she was able to find a place in the dressing room where she could sit with her back to the other queens while she did her makeup.
Adore, Bianca, and Jinkx were the last queens left in the room. As Adore was putting the finishing touches on the glitter around her light blue eyes, a man with a clipboard walked in to call Jinkx onstage and Bianca to come finalize her set. They left and then Adore was alone.
Part of her didn’t want them to leave. Talking to the other queens had kept Adore out of her head enough to do her makeup and style her long black hair but now she had no one. No one but her greatest enemy…herself.
Adore took a deep breath and stood up, going to find her outfit for tonight. She decided on a red dress and no shoes cause she’s a hippie™…who needs shoes right?
She slowly took off her boy clothes and threw them to the side, accidentally catching sight of herself in the tall mirror on the wall. Adore felt sick. She tried not to stare for too long but the voice in her head told her to keep looking.
Adore walked up to the mirror and let her eyes drift all the way down her almost naked body and back up to her face again, noticing every single flaw she thought she had.
She used to be so big, she thought. Now there was barely anything left of her. Just skin and bones. Her drastic weight loss had been something she was so proud of but now it left her wondering if she had taken it too far.
She shook her head, trying to shut her brain up before roughly pulling the pretty red dress over her head, almost ripping the delicate fabric in the process.
After the dress was on she stared at herself in the mirror again, mentally picking apart everything that she thought needed to be better.
Meanwhile, Bianca had finished her business backstage and was heading back to the dressing room. She opened the door slightly and was about to walk in but stopped in her tracks when she noticed Adore. She could tell something was off about the younger queen. Adore looked so upset. It wasn’t unusual for Adore to get in her head too much, that’s just who she was. Bianca had comforted her through that many times in the past but this time seemed different. More like a breakdown rather than just simply overthinking.
Adore didn’t even notice Bianca standing outside the door. She was too busy looking at her body in that dress. “It’s such a pretty dress…why don’t I feel pretty?” she wondered with tears welling in her eyes. She noticed the way her collarbones stuck out a little too far and how her ribcage was slightly visible through the open part of the dress.
“Am I too thin?” Adore thought. God, she hated herself.
She shouldn’t be feeling this way and she knew it. She had hundreds of loving fans waiting for her just across the building. She had some amazing friends and a supportive family that loved her so much. But why can’t she see herself like they see her? What if they started seeing her like she saw herself?
That thought pushed Adore over the edge. She shoved all her makeup off the vanity and fell into the chair, putting her head in her arms and sobbing.
Bianca couldn’t take it anymore. She just witnessed Adore’s whole breakdown and now it was time to take action.
She walked into the room, purposely closing the door loudly so Adore would be aware of her presence.
Bianca walked over to Adore and knelt beside the chair, carefully rubbing the crying queen’s back.
“Hey, it’s okay. What’s going on?” Bianca asked.
Adore froze but didn’t lift up her head. She couldn’t tell Bianca. She would just tell her she’s being dumb. Adore had never told anyone how bad this really was. But the hand rubbing circles on her back told her that Bianca really did care.
Adore slowly lifted her head from where it was resting on her arms and looked down at Bianca.
“I’m sorry” she whimpered.
Her mascara was running down her cheeks in waves. Bianca quickly reached up and wiped under Adore’s eyes trying to salvage as much of her makeup as possible.
“Your makeup…” Bianca started.
“Who cares? It looks like shit anyways” Adore mumbled.
“You never look like shit Adore, now tell me what’s wrong”
“Yes I do Bianca. I ALWAYS look like shit and it’s not fair. Even if everyone else thinks I don’t, I fucking do. There’s always something wrong with me and I can always see it” Adore said angrily.
“That’s what this is about? You think you don’t look good?” Bianca asked.
“It’s not just that. I hate everything about myself. I hate the way I look and the way I act. I’m always too weird or too ugly and I hate it Bianca. I hate it so much. The only thing I’m good at is singing and without that? I’m nothing. And the worst part? I know other people don’t see me like that. I know other people like me and think I’m cool or some shit but I will never understand why. I’m so jealous of them because I wish I could see my worth but I can’t. I feel like I don’t deserve anything I have and it’s horrible. I’m so scared that one day everyone will see me the way I see myself and I can’t handle that Bianca. I just want it to stop. I just want-” Adore ranted before being cut off by the same man with the clipboard from earlier yelling in the door “ADORE DELANO…5 MINUTES”
Panicking, Adore squeezed her eyes shut and let more tears fall.
“God Bianca, I can’t go out there looking like this. I’m such a fucking mess. I don’t wanna let everyone down” Adore sobbed, her breathing getting faster.
“Alright, breathe Adore…we can fix this okay? We can fix this.” Bianca soothed, already rushing to grab spare makeup wipes off her vanity.
She began wiping under Adore’s eyes and down her cheeks, removing all the black stains and glitter that had fallen there while Adore frantically tried to stop crying.
Bianca had almost finished re-applying Adore’s winged liner when her tears finally stopped. She quickly set her foundation again and put a little glitter on Adore’s cheeks for highlight.
Bianca turned Adore’s chair so she could look in the mirror. Adore still wouldn’t make eye contact with her reflection but told Bianca she did a good job nonetheless.
Both queens stood up and pulled each other into a hug.
“Thanks Bianca” Adore said, her words muffled by Bianca’s shoulder.
“No problem love…we’ll talk about this later alright? I know you’re still not okay”
“You got this, queen. Go out there and kill it!” Bianca encouraged as Adore walked out the door, slapping her ass as she walked past.
Time for Bianca to start her game plan.
The show went well. Surprisingly well, considering what went down beforehand. But as soon as it ended Adore could feel the energy draining from her body like sweat.
She headed straight to the dressing room after she left the stage, already dreading the talk she was gonna have to have with Bianca.
When she opened the dressing room door, instead of seeing an empty room with only Bianca in it like she expected, she was greeted by all the queens that were in the show giving her the biggest smiles.
“What’s all this?” Adore asked as she walked into the room.
“I wanted to do something nice for you since you were having a shitty day so I got everyone to come in here and they all have something to tell you” Bianca answered.
Jinkx spoke up first, walking over to Adore and giving her a hug, thanking her for all the good times they’ve had singing and smoking together.
Katya was next. She walked up to Adore, licked her cheek and told her “you’re the only one I can say ‘fuck my pussy with a rake, mom’ to and mean it”
That one earned a good laugh from Adore.
After the rest of the queens had gone through the line, showering Adore with all the love she deserves, the only queens left in the room were Adore and Bianca.
“Check twitter” Bianca said, handing Adore her phone. Adore typed in her password and checked her mentions, tearing up as she read them. Adore’s fans had flooded her with tweets telling her how important she is, how she has helped them, and why she means so much to them.
As she was scrolling she came across a tweet from Bianca.
@TheBiancaDelRio: I need you all to help me cheer up my baby girl @AdoreDelano. Send all your love her way! #mygirl #ILoveHer #party
“You did all this?” Bianca nodded. Why’d you do all this?” Adore asked.
“Because I love to see that beautiful smile of yours” Bianca replied as Adore smiled genuinely. “Yes, that one. You’re like the sunshine in a lot of people’s lives. Including mine. And when you’re sad the world isn’t quite as bright. I wanted to do everything I could to show you that you deserve to be loved”
“God, you’re the best. I really don’t deserve you Bianca” Adore told her as she wrapped her arms as tightly around Bianca as she could.
“You deserve everything good in the world, Adore. I mean that.” Bianca replied, returning the hug. “When you’re feeling sad or you don’t like what you see in the mirror I want you to remember all the good things everyone told you tonight and replace your own negative thoughts with those things. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that all those good things are true and eventually you’ll believe it.”
Adore knew Bianca was right. She knew it wouldn’t work right away and she knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she sure as hell was going to try.