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By The Grace Of God

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A/N: Hello everyone! So, whilst driving to work this song came on and poof! New idea for a story. I wasn't sure whether I should pull over and smack my head against the steering wheel in exasperation or start writing it down. Well, you can see what I picked. One thing I will say about doing Modern AU's is that they're a nice change as there's less restrictions (ones I put on myself) compared to doing a story set in Middle Earth, which allow me to fly through writing them. I really ought to slap myself on the wrist for writing a one-shot when I have three stories on the go right now. Bad FKT4ever, BAD!

Anyway I hope you enjoy reading this! I just want to remind people that despite my characterisation of Kili here I do NOT hate him! I love him just as much as I do Thorin and Fili, however! And I've said this before but will say again, there are hardly any Fili angst fics out there! They're slowly growing in number but nowhere near the amount Kili and Thorin have, so this is my effort to change that.

And look! Emotional hurt rather than physical this time! Aren't I nice :P

***WARNING WARNING WARNING!*** This story does mention a past suicide attempt and thoughts of cutting again. If this is likely to be a trigger in any way please read at your own discretion.

This is dedicated to Sunshineblueeyestanlines, whose chapter of their first fic Flash Point has been published, and oh boy! If you want some major Fili whump check it out! I'm super excited for the next chapter :D And it even has Durincest ;)

Also, although this is a one-shot there is potential to do some more if anyone is interested. So let me know what you think and whether you want more :)

Reblogging pics of the boys over on Tumblr

As much as it breaks my heart I do not own the writings or the characters of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, they are the wonderful and exclusive workings of J.R.R Tolkien

 


 

 

Was 27 surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain
Running on empty so out of gas

 

Fíli closed the door behind him silently and crept forwards, his shoes making no noise on the oak floor as he entered Kíli’s lavish penthouse.

He was free, his final assignment for university handed in and his last exam completed a week earlier than he’d told his boyfriend in order to surprise him with his early return home. Entering the hallway, he rolled his eyes fondly at the shirt and dress shoes lying haphazardly on the floor, likely a result of the brunet attempting to get out of his suit as fast as he could after a long day of meetings. How he’d managed to draw the eyes of the heir to one of the most successful companies in the world Fíli would never know, but he loved his wild and joyful partner for who, not what, he was all the same.

It was as he entered the living room he heard it, the moan of a female stopping him mid-step seconds before he called out to his lover. He froze as though freezing cold water had been dumped over his head as he heard it again, followed by an all too familiar moan.

“Harder, please harder!” The female gasped, a shout of ecstasy following when she got what she wanted.

“You like that Tauriel? You like my cock pounding into your gorgeous body?” That was Kíli’s voice, a grunt slipping free as the headboard that Fíli had helped pick out for the bed slammed against the wall.

Tauriel. Of course it would be her. Kíli’s secretary that turned heads wherever she went with her fair skin and flaming red hair. The secretary that was a model and one of the most gorgeous people in town.

The woman that was sleeping with his boyfriend behind his back.

Yes! ‘m close Kee, so close!”

Fíli clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his sob, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears that tumbled down his cheeks and he bowed his head at Kíli’s next words.

“O-only for you Tauriel, only for -”

His voice cut out as twin cries of pleasure echoed through the flat, and the heartbroken blond turned quietly, slipping out the front door and shutting it behind him silently as though he had never been there.

 

Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore

 

Fíli stood in front of the bathroom mirror at his parents house and looked himself over, tears dripping from his chin at the sight before him. His eyes were puffy and red, his nose runny and the thoughts of how could anyone love someone as hideous as you practically screamed at him from his reflection. One hand brushed over the phone perched on the edge of the sink and a razor was held gently in the other. Looking down through blurry eyes he failed to hold back his sobs as he trailed the blade over the faded scars that decorated his wrists, shuddering slightly at the touch of cool metal against warm skin.

He had been here many times before. The last time he had cut was at fourteen, fuzzy memories of his older twin siblings bursting into his room where they found him collapsed in his bedroom, a blade abandoned on the carpet and his arms covered in blood. After months of being bullied for being overweight and gay by almost everyone in the school he had given up, not wanting to suffer the comments and attacks any longer and just wanting the freedom of peace. After encouragement from his family and doctor, he began accompanying Eomer to the gym, finding his passion for mixed martial arts and sword fighting on top of his love of art and being able to create something amazing with his hands.

 

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

 

It had been a long time since he’d been down the dark road he found himself teetering on the edge of again, and his free hand fumbled with his phone as he dialled his sister with shaking fingers, needing her strong presence with him now more than ever to avoid doing something he would forever regret.

“Hey Fee -” 

The sound of his sister’s voice sent him into another round of sobbing, cutting off her cheerful greeting which was replaced by her concerned voice that sounded from the tiny speaker.

“Fee?”

“Wyn, h-he – I don’t k-know w-what to d-do!”

Fíli hunched forwards, wrapping an arm around himself as his body shook with his cries. He slowly lowered himself to the bathroom floor, unaware of the broken pleas for his sister to help him tumbling from his lips.

The muffled jangling of keys was heard before Eowyn began speaking to him in a soothing voice, the slam of car doors telling him she was on her way, Eomer likely in tow. “Fee, Fee listen to me. Whatever you’re holding, whatever you’re thinking of doing, don’t do it. It’s not worth it; whatever’s happened isn’t worth cutting again. Where are you?”

“H-home- ”

“We’re on our way Fee, I promise. Just sit tight, okay? Everything will be fine.”

 

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free

 

Fíli found himself sandwiched between the twins, crying his heart out onto Eowyn’s shoulder whilst Eomer was wrapped around him from behind. Through hiccups and sobs he told them everything that he had heard as he tried to focus on the soothing motion of Eowyn’s thumb stroking over his unharmed wrists.

It wasn’t voiced but the twins were fuming, their baby brother had gone through so much to get to this good point in his life; accepting who he was and being proud of his health and strength, internal and external, that had been years in the making. Not to mention receiving offers to go and work for one of the most prestigious and sought-after companies in the world that dealt with all things art, only to have it come crumbling down when the man he had irrevocably given his heart to had gone behind his back with someone else.

They refused to lose Fíli to his grief, to let his misguided love for the one who claimed to love him ruin his life. There was only one thing he could do, only one thing that would make the pain easier, and Eowyn knew without a doubt that saying goodbye to their baby brother would be the only thing that would save him now.

“Fee,” she murmured as she squeezed him in a tight hug, “perhaps it’s time you go and stay with Da, get away from here for a while.”

“He’s in Paris right now,” the blond sniffled thickly, wiping away the tears with the corner of his sleeve. "I don't want to bother him."

“Dad’s only there on holiday at the moment, he’s gone to visit Theodred for a month before going back to London,” Eomer spoke up from behind his youngest sibling, running a soothing hand over the messy blond hair. “You know dad’s wanted you to visit him since he moved there two years ago, and you know Theodred wants you to visit, too. We’ve been but you haven’t, and now that your course has finally finished, it would be the perfect time to go see them.”

“What about his new flat?” Eowyn asked her twin quietly. “Most of his belongings are still in boxes there as he’s been studying for his finals, and the remainder of his stuff is in his dorm.”

“Book the tickets so he’ll fly out in a couple of days time,” Eomer replied as he stood from the couch. “It’ll give us a chance to shift everything over here and make the necessary arrangements.” He bent down and pressed a kiss to Fíli’s temple, a strong hand squeezing the back of his neck gently. “Sorry kiddo, but this isn’t a discussion.”

Fíli sniffled and threw his arms around his brother’s shoulders, drawing him into a hug as he nodded. “Eomer,” he murmured in his ear. “I need your help with one last thing.”

 

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out

 

Kíli stepped out of the elevator, whistling happily as he shifted the bouquet of sunflowers and red roses to his other hand and pulled the key to Fíli’s new apartment from his pocket, restraining himself from bouncing up and down at the thought of the surprise he had planned for his blond love. He glanced at the bag hanging from his wrist, the sight of candles, massage oil and a bottle of the most expensive and delicious champagne he could find filling him with happiness at finally getting Fíli back from university for good, and hopefully forever if he accepted his proposal.

He knew most of the world would expect someone in his position to do something lavish when proposing to the love of his life, but Fíli had never had an interest in money, only the simple pleasures and adventure life could bring and that’s what he intended to focus on.

As he placed the key in the lock, part of him felt guilty that every day for the last week he’d fallen into bed with Tauriel, something that had usually been a weekly occurrence he’d indulged her with when she first started working for him two years ago, just several months before he met the artist who had stolen his heart. As she left for the final time two days ago he’d told her that they couldn’t be together anymore, that he was planning on proposing to Fíli and to his surprise she agreed happily, telling him that she had been asked out by another model that she’d had her heart set on for a while. Relieved that nothing would come between him and Fíli again, he’d brought the ring and other necessary items, excited at spending the rest of his life with the blond by his side.

He glanced at his watch, smiling to himself when he saw that Fíli should be walking through the door in an hour or so, his suitcase and backpack with the last of his belongings in tow. Kíli had put a deposit down for the apartment on the pretence of wanting to get Fíli his own place when he finished university, however he was secretly hoping to get the deposit back because if all went well Fíli’s boxes would be getting unpacked in his own flat within the next week.

He opened the door and walked inside, pausing with a frown when silence reached his ears and he glanced at the number on the door, double checking he had entered the correct apartment. It was completely silent, not even the sound of Fíli’s ridiculously noisy fridge that he’d picked up second hand with its mismatched coloured doors several years ago could be heard.

He walked forwards slowly, placing the bag and flowers on the hall stand as he wondered if the old thing had finally died on Fíli, and was debating whether he should pay to have someone fix it when he entered the living room and stopped dead at the sight before him.

The flat was utterly empty save for the basic furniture that had come with it when he paid the deposit, all the boxes that he had helped stack a month ago were gone and the place wiped clean of the dust that would have undoubtedly settled. He hurried forwards, searching through the flat to check if the boxes had been shifted elsewhere, but with every empty room he passed the feeling of dread began to settle further, wondering how someone had managed to rob the apartment and take all of Fíli’s belongings without anyone noticing.

As he made his way back to the living room, phone in his hand to call Fíli and tell him what had happened a piece of white paper on the dark oak coffee table caught his attention, drawing him over hurriedly.

He unfolded it; unsure as to why his hands were shaking as badly as they were. There was something about the whole situation that didn’t sit right with him, and the moment he saw the contents he froze, the paper slipping from his fingers as he bolted from the apartment.

The piece of paper settled on the ground, the photo of Kíli and Tauriel together at the park three days ago and locked together at the lips floating down to rest beside it, the ink of the single line standing out in stark contrast to the parchment clear as day.

I hope she will always make you happy.

 

Oh, that way, no
That way, no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love
That way, no,
That way, no
I am not giving up

 

Eowyn wiped away the stray tear that had fallen as she moved to answer the door. She’d just finished talking to her father about Fíli’s emergency trip to visit him; and despite Theoden’s excitement at seeing his youngest son for the first time in two years, his worry over his baby boy’s state of mind was evident. It had been a taxing and emotional phone call for her, especially as it happened straight after she had hugged Fíli goodbye, knowing it would be sometime until she saw him again.

The knocking became frantic and she pulled the door open in annoyance, immediately glaring at the brunet on the other side.

“I need to talk to Fíli!” Kíli gasped, his eyes peering over her shoulder and into the house desperately as though expecting Fíli to appear any moment.

“He’s gone,” she growled as she swiped away a stray tear, satisfaction coursing through her veins at the horrified look that was given to her.

“No,” Kíli whispered in terror as he watched a tear fall from the girl’s eye. “Nononono he can’t b-be… he’d promised he’d stopped cutting! H-he… I-I can’t -”

“He’s not dead,” she snapped, barely restraining herself from slapping the one who had broken her brothers heart across the face. Sympathy was needed, certainly, but not for the rich playboy in front of her.

Never for him.

“Believe me boy,” she spat. “If Fíli had killed himself because you broke his heart there would be nothing in the world that could save you from the hurt Eomer and I would send your way. Fíli’s leaving the country; Eomer and I are making sure he gets as far away from you as possible -”

“You can’t -”

“Yes we can! You broke his heart after he gave you everything, Kíli! You meant the world to him and you went and cheated on him with that... that..." Eowyn struggled to find the exact word she wanted to describe what she thought of Kíli’s secretary, and settled for a noise of disgust instead. “You make me sick! You’re no longer welcome here so I suggest you get your cheating ass off my porch and out of my sight before Eomer returns from the airport and tries to hurt you.”

Kíli took a step back, failing to conceal the hurt at the exclamation from the blond he had once called friend. It was then her words sunk in completely, and the flicker of hope that appeared in his chest drove him to turn around and race for his car, determined to beg forgiveness and to stop Fíli from leaving him.

 

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

 

Fíli shuddered at the feeling of cold water on his face, staring down at the sink as though he could watch the droplets carry away the pain that was squeezing his heart and destroying his mind. Eowyn and Eomer were right that this trip was one he needed, to not only celebrate the end of university but to also try and forget about the brunet with chocolate coloured eyes and soft warm lips that he had fallen so deeply in -

He shook his head to dislodge that train of thought before it got too out of hand. No matter how much he loved him, the outcome was the same; Kíli had cheated on him, and it wasn’t likely to have been the first time either. His ears pricked at the sound of the boarding call for his flight and he scooped up his bag, making his way to the security area as he flicked off a quick text to the twins to tell them he would be boarding shortly. Eomer had been reluctant to leave him alone until the moment he queued for the security check, but Fíli had hugged his oldest brother fiercely and promised that he would be okay on his own in an airport full of people.

As he approached the entrance to the security area he took a deep breath, letting the sounds of the busy terminal wash over him as he tried to muster up enough courage to take the path he needed too to free himself of the heartbreak that remaining here would bring.

Eventually it was his turn and he placed his bag on the tray, emptying the contents of his pockets into another before passing through the metal detector, nodding at the guard when he was cleared. He reached out to grab his bag when a cry of his name made him gasp in surprise.

“FÍLI! FÍLI WAIT!”

He yanked his hand away from his bag as though it had burned him and he looked around with wide eyes, trying to spot the only person that voice could belong to.

And there, fighting his way through a group of people who were standing there watching him, hair wild and a look of desperation on his face, was Kíli.

Fíli froze, his heart rabbiting in confusion as he tried to work out why Kíli was there, why, as he stopped at the barrier that kept them apart he could see tears rolling steadily down blotchy cheeks. He didn’t know what to make of the situation, couldn’t decide on what to do now that Kili had appeared. Before he could so much as even open his mouth the guard cleared his throat drawing his attention away momentarily.

“Sir, is everything alright?”

“Fee!”

No, Fíli thought sadly, feeling the sting of tears that were rising once more. No it’s not.

He grabbed his bag and slung the strap over his shoulder, allowing the tears to fall as he looked at Kíli one last time before walking away to the gate. 

 

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

 

"Fee? Where are you- FÍLI?!” Kíli cried out, his mind racing as he watched the blond disappear behind the glass, walking away from him and out of his life for good. “Fíli,” he whispered, tears tumbling down his own cheeks as the look of utter heartbreak on Fíli’s face filled his mind. He pressed his head against the glass wall beside him, his entire body quivering with sobs as he realised with a sickening clarity that the one person he loved more than anything was gone for good because of him.

And as he slowly walked through the terminal with his arms wrapped around himself, trying hold himself together as he sobbed silently there was only one thought on his mind.

What have I done?