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Tokyo Revengers Incorrect Quotes 2

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Baji: People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room.

Mitsuya: It’s called arson and those people are witnesses.

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Sanzu: Did you know you can just start screaming, basically anywhere? It's not illegal or anything. I checked.

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Chifuyu: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, Baji-san.
Baji: I’m pretty sure I don't care, Chifuyu.

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Shinichiro: How do you deal with mortality?
Benkei: Violent outbursts
Wakasa: General sluttiness
Takeomi: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal!

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Emma: No one ever listens to me!
Emma: When the package is pretty, no one cares what's inside!

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Rindou: The three certainties in life. Death, taxes, and musical numbers.

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Koko: My type in men is taller than me, needs to have muscles, strong, light hair and has to have a tattoo.

Inui: South?

Koko: Please, god no.

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Sanzu: Did you wash the dishes?
Senju: I thought… you wanted to.. do… that.
Sanzu: *chuckles wickedly*
Sanzu with a forced cheerful tone: You were wrong!

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Kakuchou: Why are you so pissed off all the time?
South: *pulls out a fifty-foot-long scroll*
South: Reason number one out of two thousand four hundred and—
Kakuchou: Okay, okay! I get it, there’s a lot.
South: *smirks before proceeding to roll the scroll up and put it back in his bag*
Kakuchou: You just carry that thing with you everywhere?
South: I get asked a lot.

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Takemichi: I’m a rebel.
Baji: We just walked two blocks out of our way so you could cross at the light.
Takemichi: Rebels respect road safety.

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Kazutora: Yo! I heard you like reptiles, got any fun facts?
Chome: If a crocodile eats your dad, they become your new dad.

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Emma: I’m sorry Yuzuha, I’m straight.

Yuzuha: Well, so are spaghetti until they get wet.

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Hina: Baji, do you even know how to slow dance?
Baji: Sure I do, look
Baji: *does the Macarena at 1/4 speed*

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Shion: Just before I die, I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation much more interesting.
Koko: Okay but consider this: What if you didn't-

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Karen: You know, I raised two fully functional children.
Izana, standing beside Emma: You got two kids we don't know about?

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South: I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I'd say my people skills are improving.

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Ran: Are you a cuddler?
Izana: I'm a machine of death and destruction
Ran:
Izana: ...Yeah, I'm a cuddler

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Rindou: What does Kakuchou even see in him!
Shion: I don't know, he's kind of hot.
Rindou, staring at him: What?
Shion: You know, if you look past who he is as a person.
Rindou: Okay, you know what? I’m going to try to picture South without his personality.
Rindou: ...
Rindou: Shion, South might be hot.
Shion: ...

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Taiju smirking: I’ve got my eye on you for a while now

Mitsuya furrowing their eyebrows: You’ve been stalking me?

Taiju‘s face dropping to a blank one: I- That’s not-

Mitsuya waving their hand in the air: It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone

*Taiju with a dumbfounded look questioning his actions*

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Mikey, crosses legs with an overly confident smirk: Imagine a world without me.

Naoto, snickers: I could. And it'd be better

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Takemichi: So what do you do if you get attacked and you don’t have a knife?
Kazutora: I always have a knife. Always.
Chifuyu: Even in the shower?
Kazutora: That’s where I keep my shower knife.

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Mikey, to Izana: Fight me!

Shinichiro, standing behind Mikey’s shoulder and staring at Izana: *mouths* Do not

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Kakuchou: Here, have some more meat, Rindou!
Rindou: Yeah, thanks dad.
Kakuchou:
Rindou:
Kakuchou:
Rindou:
Koko: Oh please! Like we haven't established this family dynamic already!

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Takemichi: Help me with this crossword puzzle. I need a six letter word for “disappointment.”
Emma: Draken.
Takemichi:
Takemichi: It fits.

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Kakuchou, extending their hand :

Ran, placing his hand and intertwines it :

Kakuchou: Wh-I meant tHE GUN!?!

Ran: OH—

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Izana: What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them??
Hanma: Yes. Why, what do you do?
Izana: I die? What kinda question...

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Baji: Pssht– alright, uglybitchwhohurtsmylilsis.

Draken, eye twiching : What. The fuck. Did you just call me?

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Hanma: Hey, if I ask you a boy question, do you promise not to be weird?
Emma: I promise.
Hanma: So, there’s this guy, Kisaki-
Emma: You can do better.

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Takemichi: Jello [Jelly] is boneless in it’s properties, yet is made of bones (gelatin). It exists in a confused state of both boned and boneless.
Akkun: What the fuck..

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Benkei: Look, this doesn't have to be a big deal. Whoever took that cake, come forward and all will be forgiven.

Everyone: .....

Benkei: Smart. You knew I would never forgive you.

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Shion: You know, for someone who is supposedly a mad genius, I'm not seeing much of the genius.
South: Keep it up, bitch, and you'll see plenty of the mad.

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Hanma: We’re all in this together. If one of us falls, we all fall. Nobody is expendable on this team.
Chome: Sounds fake but ok.

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Takuya: Okay, so...

Takuya: Today I went to the corner of the woods near my house where I sometimes I for some peace and quiet

Takuya: And there was a hot guy there...

Takuya: So I panicked and said, 'THANKS, BYE!'...

Takuya: And just walked away

Takuya:

Takuya: I hate myself

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Sanzu: I bought a bubblegum scented sword so the last thing my enemies realise is how fun and cute I am

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Sanzu: I was raised as an only child
Sanzu: It really pissed off my brother

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Hanma: *reading Kazutora's diary*
Kazutora: Hanma, what the hell are you doing in my room?
Hanma: Shhh be quiet I'm reading. It's a very good book. It's friends to lovers
Kazutora: Hanma, that is NOT a book-
Hanma: Damn, this guy is so in love with Sano Manjiro

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Draken: Let’s discuss how to prevent fires.
Smiley: *giving a match to Baji* Prevent them?
Baji: *lights a match*

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Teacher, scolding Mikey: Now how am I supposed to tell your brother about this?

Mikey:

Mikey: With an ouija board.

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Baji, before Kazutora & Mikey's wedding: Kazutora, you look most beautiful… OH NO! According to tradition I am not supposed to see you before the ceremony!

Kazutora: No, that’s the Groom.

Baji, panicking: I SAW HIM TOO!?

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Hanma: Kakuchou, we just wanted to say that we care about you.

Shion: We both love you, and our lives wouldn't be the same without you

Kakuchou: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THIS TIME?

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Baji: Hold on! I’m having one of those things... a headache with pictures.

Takemichi: What?

Chifuyu: He’s having an idea.

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Draken: Me? Jealous? Absolutely not!

Mitsuya:

Mitsuya: Hey Sanzu, your hair looks beatiful!

Sanzu: Than-

Draken: Hey Sanzu! The lovebite on your neck that I gave you last night looks beatifull too!

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Emma: Damn it! The printer broke while printing out Angry’s birthday invitations.

Smiley: What are they supposed to say?

Emma: Angry’s birthday.

Smiley: What do they say instead?

Emma: Angry’s bi.

Smiley: ...

Smiley: Works out either way.

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Kazutora: Can I have cuddles?
Senju: Do you promise to leave me alone afterwards?
Kazutora: No.
Senju: Good. Come here.

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Yuzuha: *meets Mikey*

Yuzuha: *meets Chifuyu*

Yuzuha: *meets Takemichi*

Yuzuha: *meets Sanzu*

Yuzuha: Do you have any boyfriends that don’t have mental/emotional issues or may have hated you at some point of your life?

Kazutora: Um...No?

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Kazutora: I've been practicing on a new signature, can anyone tell me if it's good?
Mitsuya: Sure, use this to practice.
Kazutora: Oh thanks-
Kazutora:...
Kazutora: This is a marriage certificate.
Mitsuya: And what about it?

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Baji: *in Chifuyu’s lap* No, we’re not dating we’re just gay.

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Mikey: Who need therapy? I have monster cans that I can crush.

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Hanma: Bold of you to assume I care enough to cheat!

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Chifuyu: Bro-
Kazutora: No, no, hold up, rewind
Kazutora: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??

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Yuzuha: I folded my clothes.

Taiju: You wadded them in a ball.

Yuzuha: I folded them in a circle.

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Senju: I can't believe you've done this...
Takemichi: I'm sorry, I didn't know!
Senju: YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE!

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Mikey: He is injured.

Baji: I wasn’t injured, I was lightly stabbed.

Emma: I’m sorry, you were STABBED?!

Baji: Lightly stabbed.

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Emma: *laughs at something Yuzuha said*

Yuzuha, internally: This is great. I'm going to get a good grade in Girlfriend. Something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve.

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Izana: Hey, we’re supposed to dress as someone who inspires us for school on friday and we were wondering if we could borrow one of your shirts or maybe an old jacket or-

Emma: Shin, why are you crying, is something wrong?

Mikey: Big brother? Are you hurt again?

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Sanzu: Hey, we’re supposed to dress as someone who inspires us for school on friday and we were wondering if we could borrow one of your shirts or maybe an old gi or-

Senju: Waka-nii, why are you crying, is something wrong?

Takeomi, crying in Benkei's shoulder in the other side of the room: My siblings prefer Wakasa over me!

Benkei: *trying to comfort Takeomi* I'm sure they also love you

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Wakasa: Tell Haruchiyo and Senju about the birds and the bees.
Takeomi: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

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Kawata's Mom: Why is there a big carrot in the bag of baby carrots?
Smiley: Ran said they needed adult supervision.

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Ran: You know, we’re a lot like cocoa and marshmallows.

South: How so?

Ran: I’m hot, and you’re on top.

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Naoto: Why are your shoes wet?
Hina: There was this huge puddle
Naoto: But why did you step in it?
Hina: It was a huge puddle

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Pah-chin: Where's Takemichi?
Mikey: Don't worry I can find him.
Mikey: Sano 'Mikey' Manjiro sucks.
Takemichi: Mikey is the best person and the most amazing friend I ever had. Fuck you!
Mikey: Found him.
Takemichi: *coming up to them*
Takemichi: *hits Mikey* Don't ever say you suck again Mister.

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Kazutora: Yo dumbass, get over here.
Hanma: Okay-
Baji, gleefully runs past: I’m coming!
Hanma, sadly: I thought... I was dumbass...

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Baji: Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

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Chonbo: I need help reacting to something.

Mitsuya: What did Baji do this time?

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Baji: It's too bad we can't be best friends anymore.
Mikey: Why can't we be best friends anymore?
Baji: You can’t be my husband and my best friend. Who would I complain about you to?

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Kisaki: What’s your body count?

Hakkai: One

Draken: Zero

Mucho: Four

Takemichi looking at their phone screen: Over fifty per year

*Toman staring at Takemichi making them look up*

Inui:....

Inui: You’ve been sleeping with people behind my back?!

Takemichi with shocked face: W-what? I thought we were talking about how many people we’ve killed

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Baji: Who needs drugs? I'm high on life!

Hanma: Who needs life? I'm high on drugs!

Choji: Who needs high? I'm drug on life!

Chome: Who drugs high? I'm life on needs!

Kazutora: Hi! I'm drugs who...

Emma: Life on needs.

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Wakasa: Sleeping is nice because you aren't actually dead and you are not awake. So it is a win-win situation.

Benkei: It's like being dead without the commitment.

Shinichiro: An open relationship with death!

Takeomi: Death with benefits.

Akane: Every night.

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Draken: I'm bored.
*Emma kisses Draken*
Draken: 
Draken: What-
Emma: Now you have something to think about

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Baji's Mom on the phone with Kazutora's Mom: Hey, it’s Baji's mom. Ya, I think I broke your son.
Baji's Mom hands the phone to Kazutora: Here, talk to your mother.

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Pah-chin: Which way did he go?

Kazutora: Well, based on the direction of the wind, the broken sticks in the corner, and the slight disturbance in the dirt, I'd guess he went left.

Baji: You could really figure it out from that?

Mitsuya: No, you idiot, he sent me a text. See?

Draken: Let's hurry before he somehow puts the woods on fire.

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Hanma: It'll be fun.

Hanma: We'll make it a boys day.

Hanma: Come on you, smart bitch.

Kisaki: I can't believe I have to say this.

Kisaki: I don't have time to get tested for sti's with you tomorrow.

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Izana: Any room can be a panic room if you'd just give me a fucking second

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Shinichiro: Akane just told me to grow up.

Takeomi: What did you tell her?

Shinichiro: I was speechless. I couldn't say anything. I had 47 gummy bears in my mouth.

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Emma: That's not funny.

Baji: I thought it was funny.

Takemichi: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

Hanma: Whose funeral?

Kisaki: Kazutora's dad.

Kazutora: *mumbling* I should have gone to the funeral just to laugh with Baji.

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Mucho, tinkering on a self driving cart: I could incorporate the clockwork on the belt, maybe.

Smiley: That would be a waist of time.

Mucho: *shrugs* You’re probably right.

Smiley: ...

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Mochi: Whenever I'm leaving a conversation I say "bi" to remind people that I am bisexual. For some reason, this has not been working very well and most people think I am straight despite my reminders. However, they do sometimes praise me and say "good bi" in response.

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Baji: Sooo, Mitsuya, I have some news.
Mitsuya: What. Happened?
Smiley: Well, remember when you told us to not burn down the precinct?
Mitsuya: You burned down the precinct??
Baji: No! We had the fire put out almost immediately, this is a successful story.

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Kakuchou: A gunman opens fire in your building. What do you do?

Ran: Run.

Mochi: Hide.

Shion: Close the fire, duh!

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Kisaki: Hey- what should I change into?

Kakuchou, from across the hall and beyond two doors: a better person

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*in a party with a drunk Hina and semi-drunk Takemichi*

Takemichi, talking about Kazutora and Chifuyu's relationship: Yeah, but now Tora has a husband. It's going to be different this year.

Hina: So what? We've banged every Thanksgiving since high school. He just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition.

Kazutora, blushing and looking to the side:

Chifuyu: ...What?

Hina: You can participate too, we don't mind.

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Izana: Are you wearing make-up? Where did your freckles go?
Angry: Huh? Oh, no. Winter just makes my freckles go away
Izana:
*later*
Izana, beating the snow with a shovel: Give. Him. His. Freckles. Back. You. Bitch

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Senju: Ah yes, the four love languages.
Senju, pointing at Hakkai: 'My family never told me they were proud of me'
Senju, pointing at Takemichi: 'I'm so fucking tired please god just let me rest for five minutes
Senju, pointing at Mikey: 'Please pay attention to me'
Senju, pointing at Kazutora: 'Touch Starved’

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Kazutora: Did you seriously bring a butter knife to this fight?!
Chome: You get angry so fast, it was the only weapon I could find on such short notice!
Choji: But you know, you have to admit it is BUTTER than nothing.
Kazutora: ...
Chome: ...
Choji: I'm sorry.

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Interviewer: What kind of girl do you prefer?

Takemichi: My girlfriend.

Interviewer: How about you? What kind of girl do you like?

Kisaki: Takemichi's girlfriend.

Takemichi: Hina is the best, isn't she?

Kisaki: The best in the whole world.

Interviewer:

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Baji: *walks into art museum*
Baji: I am here to donate myself.

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Makoto, groaning: I’m never going to use math in the real world.

*later that day*

Yamagishi: Okay, we go on the count of three.

Makoto, under his breath: Oh no.

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Yamagishu: Why are you upset, Akkun?
Yamagishi, softly: …Is it because my shoes light up and yours don’t?

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Emma: Stop staring at me like that.

Draken: *raises an eyebrow*

Emma: Undressing me with your eyes.

Draken: I'm adding more clothes, Emma.

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Senju: We need to talk.
Takeomi: What’s wrong?
Senju: Can we get Chinese food?
Takeomi: That’s what you wanted to talk about?
Senju: Yeah

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Chifuyu: I'M SO FANCY
Takemichi: YOU ALREADY KNOW
Mana: I'M IN THE FAST LANE
Luna: FROM L.A. TO TOKYO
Kazutora: But there is no such road from LA to Tokyo..?

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Mana: *posts a super low quality image to the group chat*
Senju: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image I'd have 15 cents
Rindou: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you.
Naoto: Actually, I did the math. Senju would have $225, not $0.15.
Senju: Fam, I'm right here.
Angry: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
Mana: While ur there can u buy me an apply juice?
Angry: Sorry I only have a dollar
Mana: :(
Naoto: Hey I just realized, Senju would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent.
Angry: If I had $22500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice
Naoto: You can buy anything you want with $22,500.
Hakkai: Yeah. And they want soda and apply juice
Rindou: Apply juice to what?
Inui: Directly to the forehead
Emma: Great chat, everyone.

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Senju: How long do you think it’ll take?

Takemichi: I don’t know, three or four.

Takeomi: Three or four what?

Takemichi:

Benkei: Days? Weeks? Months? Years?

Takemichi: Yeah, maybe five.

Wakasa:

Takemichi:

Senju: Five WHATS?!

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*Mitsuya and Baji are having a shouting match*

Draken: Being louder won't make you right, you know.

Mitsuya: Makes me not hear him being wrong.

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Taiju: You know, you really shouldn’t be using a straw
Takeomi: Yeah, yeah I get that’s it’s bad for the environment and wh-
Taiju: We’re eating pasta

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Ran: I'll have you know I am a premium gay with many different flavors. Today I feel women.

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South/Izana: I made a list of reasons why I should be on Fear Factor. I came up with two: ‘I like fear’ and ‘I am fear'.

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Takemichi: Look, we don't want any trouble...
Baji: I do.

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Shinichiro: My life is a disaster, your life is a disaster, and the best thing we can do for the dating market is take each other off it.
Takeomi:

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Mikey: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops!

Emma: And he has. We've gotten several noise complaints.

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Someone: Are you a boy or a girl?

Kazutora: I’m a disaster.

Someone: No like what’s in your pants?

Kazutora: A knife.

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Kazutora: Important question. Do u consider me to be your kid?

Baji's Mom: Of course!! What else would I consider you to be???

Kazutora: A disappointment.

Baji's Mom:

Baji's Mom: Do you need a hug?

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Taiju: You have your hand on my ass...
Shion: It was an accident.
Taiju: It's still on my ass.
Shion: It's still an accident.

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Senju: Have you seen Takeomi?
Wakasa: Yeah, he was staring out the window when it started to rain.
Benkei: If it gets worse, we should probably let him in.

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Chonbo: You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Baji: You’re right. I should be ashamed of myself.
Baji: But I never am!

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Ran: We're playing scrabble. It's a nightmare

Mochi: Scrabble? I like scrabble!

Shion: Not when you're playing with Kisaki. He puts words like 'ephemeral' and we put words like 'dog'

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Mikey: *complaining about Draken’s replacement from when he left his side*
Mikey: He never let's me be lazy all the time
Draken: So didn't I
Mikey: He doesn't let me eat whatever I want
Draken: Sanzu's looking for your health
Mikey: He’s annoying
Draken: So are you

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Sanzu: *extremely drunk, starts colouring Wakasa's in with a highlighter*
Wakasa: Erm... What are you doing?
Sanzu: Highlighting you.
Wakasa: Yes, I see that... Why?
Sanzu: Cuz you're important.

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Chifuyu: I am a father.
Baji: It's Peke J.
Chifuyu: HE'S MY BLOOD!

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Draken: You high-fived me for banging your sister but won't let me back into your house because I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities, Mikey.

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Baji: I have cat-like reflexes.
Chome: Prove it.
Baji: *sees a cat*
Baji, instantly: I like that cat.

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Hina: What are you listening to?
Takemichi: A relaxation tape. Apparently rain sounds can help with anxiety
Hina: Is it working?
Takemichi: No the tape just made me have to pee and I had my panic attack on the toilet

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Chonbo: I really need to stop asking people “How stupid can you be?”

Chonbo: Because some people are starting to take it as A F***ING CHALLENGE!

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Emma: *hands Draken a paper*
Draken: What's this?
Emma: Your to-do list
Draken: But it only has your name on it
Emma: Whenever you're ready

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Kazutora: We could be killed!
Baji: Or worse! Mitsuya could give us another lecture about responsibility!

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Izana: I would kill for Takemichi
Mikey: I would die for Takemichi
Izana and Mikey: *glares at each other intensely*

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Izana: You annoy me so much
Mikey: I just greeted you
Izana: And here I am boiling with so much rage

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Smiley: I guess you could say that I've fallen for you
Mucho: You just literally fell down a flight of stairs, how are you not dead?

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Hina: Takemichi! Back me up on this one with zero hesitation!
Takemichi: Whatever she said, she's correct. And fuck you Kisaki!
Kisaki: I wasn't even involved?

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Baji, following Sanzu everywhere:
Sanzu: What are you doing Baji?
Baji: My mom told me to follow my dreams

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*during the Tenjiku fight*

Rindou: You're cute when you get angry

Angry: Well then, I'm about to get really fucking adorable

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Mikey, pointing at his chest: We can't loose, we have this
Takemichi: We have a heart?
Mikey: What? No. I'm pointing at myself. You're all useless.

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Baji: My goal in life is to convince every cat that I'm their friend

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Hanma: Would you rather stab Kisaki or-
Baji: Stab Kisaki
Hanma: I didn't even say the other option
Baji: I know but I would still stab Kisaki

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Takeomi: Hey
Sanzu: What?
Takeomi: I love you
Takeomi: I hate you
Takeomi: I hate that I love you
Sanzu: I hate you whole
Takeomi: It was a song!
Sanzu: Mine wasn't

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Hakkai: I told you that I have no feelings for Taka-chan!
Taiju: *sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to lies

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Hina: Naoto? Can you arrest me? I accidentally raised my voice at Kazutora and Takemichi
Naoto: Hina we talked about this

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Izana: Fight me on PS5!
Izana: Oh wait! You don't have a PS5
Mikey: Then why don't you fight me in real life?
Mikey: Oh wait! You don't have a life
Emma: Both of you stop!
Emma: It's just UNO!

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Takemichi: So what's your opinion about South?
Senju: He's like a treasure.
Takemichi: Really?
Senju: Makes me want to bury him.

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Senju: Aw, some child drew a funny looking giraffe
Benkei: There's no children here
Takeomi, clenching his jaw: It's an alpaca

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Hina: What are the best ways to take care of your mental health?

Yuzuha: Talk about your feelings

Draken: Keep active

Mikey: Eat my favorite food

Takemichi: Recite all the reasons why I should continue going on

Senju: Throw your phone in a lake

Baji: Scowl

Mitsuya: Take care of your baby sisters

Smiley: Make fun of someone you don’t like

Kazutora: Lie down in the dirt and let the earth slowly reclaim you

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Mikey: Naoto! Please you must arrest me the dark impulses took over me and I did something terribly unforgivable!

Naoto:*sigh* did you accidentally scare Takemichi and Kazutora again?

Mikey: YES!! I'm a dangerous to be around them SO YOU MUST ARREST ME!!

Naoto: I've never regretted being a cop more in my life. Why didn't I just choose something else?

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*they are watching the fight between the Three Deities*

Kisaki: *murmuring to Akane* Did Mikey just do what I think did?

Akane: Uh, yeah. Why?

Kisaki: *sighing* Just watch them.

Emma: LET ME GO SHIN! I'M GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF MIKEY FOR HURTING MY BOY!

Shinichiro: I also do not like what he did but we shouldn't go for violence.

Baji: Sorry, Shinichiro, but we all left Mikey in Takemichi's hands and then the little shit goes and hurts the one who is doing everything to save him? Not on our watch.

Izana: If he had only hurt Kakuchou I could understand since he was the one who wanted to fight Mikey but this? I can't forgive it.

Draken: I fucking died to protect Takemichi because I knew he meant a lot for Mikey and then he hurts him? I don't give a fuck that he lost against his dark impulses! He hurt our crybaby! That can't be forgiven!

Kisaki:

Akane: Oh....

Chapter Text

Taiju: *takes a deep breath* Today is gonna be a good day
Taiju: *deep breath* There’s going to be no bullshit
Taiju: *opens the door to see Hakkai standing there*
Hakkai: My shoes are on the roof again
Taiju: *closes the door*

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: Please tell me you did not kidnap him, Sano Shinichiro?
Shinichiro, carrying Izana: I did not kidnap him
Grandpa: Oh thank goodness
Shinichiro: I adopted him

Chapter Text

Senju: Dad! Takeomi's using dirty words!
Takemichi: Who’s “Dad”?
Wakasa: From the Akashi's standpoint, I guess I am.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Hey, Baji!

Baji, internally: There he is; he’s here. My favourite person in the world, the love of my life. Fuck, I just want to stare at him, and hold him, and kiss him for the rest of my life——

Baji, out loud: What the FUCK do you want?

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: What happened to my fun best friend?
Izana: I was never fun, you take that back.

Chapter Text

Baji: I don’t like your accusatory tone.
Draken: Well, I’d use a different tone, but I’m trying to accuse you of something.

Chapter Text

Baji: I had to pretend I was dumb to get out of there.
Chifuyu: Pretend?

Chapter Text

Mikey: All of my life decisions are based off spite, irony, or some obscure reference.

Chapter Text

Baji to the other Valhalla members: Get out now! Kazutora is going to make us clean! He has jobs for everyone! Now, it’s too late for Choji and I, but save yourselves!
*Hanma, Chome and all the other Valhalla members run for the exit*

Chapter Text

Senju: Some of you haven't run since PE.
Hina: Some of us didn't run in PE.

Chapter Text

Mikey, nearly sobbing: Can't sleep in a bad position if ya never sleep!

Chapter Text

Draken to Mikey: No offence, you know that you're my boyfriend and that I love you, but let's face it. You're a nightmare.

Chapter Text

Naoto: That’s illegal, right?

Hina: Why do you care? Are you a fucking policeman?

Naoto: No-

Hina: Then shut the fuck up.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Today I saw Tora crying for 5-6 min, and then an alarm went off and he just... stopped crying and went right back to work.

Kazutora: It’s called management, Fuyu.

Chapter Text

Chonbo: Listen I’m not claustrophobic but I’m gonna need you to move up

Choji: What does claustrophobic mean?

Baji: It means he’s scared of Santa Claus

Chonbo: No it-

Hanma: Ho ho ho!

Chome, panicked: Stop it Hanma! You’re scaring him!

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Here. Drink this. You'll feel better.

Mochi: Wow, this actually works pretty well. What's in it?

Sanzu, who knows Questionable Medical Things: Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

Chapter Text

Baji: Are you mad at me?
Kazutora: No
Baji: So sharpening your knife at three am in the morning... that's just a nervous habit?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Yikes! Draken, are you okay? You look terrible.
Draken: YEAH? WELL, SO DO YOU.
*uncomfortable silence*
Draken: I'm sorry. That was a lie. You always look beautiful

Chapter Text

Hina: Reminder that therapy and other psychiatrist services are covered by our schools health plan.

Toman/Tenjiku/Braham/Valhalla/Rokuhara Tandai/Black Dragons: … Why does she always look at us when she says that?

Chapter Text

Ran: I want you to look me straight in the eyes.

Hanma: Ran, you can’t have me look at those eyes and be straight at the same time.

Chapter Text

*Shinichiro and Izana leaving training*

Izana: Be honest, do you think I'm running faster?

Shinichiro: Promise you won't be mad no matter what I say?

Izana: Okay.

*Shinichiro takes a deep breath*

Shinichiro: Draken slept with our sister.

Chapter Text

Mikey: *rolls over in bed* Babe, are you awake?

Sanzu: *rolls over too* Hey...yes~ *kisses his nose*

-

Mikey: *rolls over in bed* Are you awake, baby?

Draken: *violently flops over* The fuck you want?

Chapter Text

Shion: The ability to fly requires hollow bones.
Shion: Which also means I could kick an angel's ass
Rindou: You could kick a bird's ass but you're not doing that. Why?
Shion: A group of crows is called a murder I'm not fucking with that

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I have feelings for you…

Mikey: I have feelings for you too!

Narrator: The feeling was friendship, but neither had ever experienced it.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Do you believe in ghosts?

Mochi: I do, but more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves, you know?

Chapter Text

Mikey: I hate that opening other peoples mail is illegal. I wanna see!

Chapter Text

Mikey to Kazutora: I'm going to beat you up for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

Chapter Text

Draken: Mikey was banned from all the restaurants here, so we had to go out of town to get some.
Mikey: well, they shouldn't say "all you can eat" if they don't mean it.
Draken: Mikey, you ate a chair.

Chapter Text

Draken: Yo Haru! Bring me some chips!
Sanzu: Maybe if you ask nicely.
Draken: Oh wonderful and talented Haruchiyo, please bring me some crispy snacks so that I might behold your beauty!
Sanzu, bringing the chips: That's more like it.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Couldn’t you be more, I don’t know, enthusiastic?
Takemichi, with a flat tone: Woo-hoo, extra hoo.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the lake in a large metal box.
Hina: Did Yuzuha say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'?
Takemichi, stretching his jumper up to cover his face: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL–

Chapter Text

Hanma: Kisaki, I just realised something. I had a bad childhood.

Kisaki: Yeah I know, Hanma.

Hanma: What do you mean "You know"?

Kisaki: Look at you.

Hanma: What do you mean "Look at me"!?

Kisaki: Look at how you stand. People who had good childhoods don't stand like that.

Chapter Text

Mikey: We all have a role in this team. I come up with the bad ideas, Draken and Mitsuya try to explain why it’s a bad idea and Baji and Pah-chin convince me to do them anyway while Kazutora just observes with a camera ready to document if I decide to do the bad ideas.

Chapter Text

South: In my defence, your honour, I simply do not vibe with the law.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya, concerned: In general, would you say you've been more emotional lately?

Past Takemichi/Takemichi, bursting immediately into tears: No.

Chapter Text

Emma: *to Mikey* You're grounded.

Draken: Does that really work? Can she really ground you?

Mikey: In certain ways, yes.

Chapter Text

Hanma: They always ask you why you’re hurting them. Never what’s hurting you.

Takemichi: YOU IMPALED DRAKEN!

Chapter Text

Mikey: How much does the earth cost? I’m gonna buy the earth.

Izana:

Shinichiro:

Emma:

Emma: And what will you do? As leader of earth?

Mikey: Take all the strongest people in the world, and make them beat up the people that don’t like Takemitchy and Kazutora.

Shinichiro: Nice.

Chapter Text

Choji: Today I had to break up a heated debate between Hanma and Baji. They were arguing about whether it was "animal" or "aminal".

Chome: Oh my.

Choji: And that's not even the worst part. I genuinely didn't know which one it was

Chapter Text

Izana: October 24th is national throw short people day.

Emma: IZANA NO-

Senju: If you so much as try you will get punched.

Senju: You cannot begin to fathom the amount of rage trapped in this tiny body, bitch.

Sanzu: It’s true, take my word for it.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: You are the parents of simps.

Hakkai/Sanzu/Mikey: Fair enough.

Draken: ???

Chapter Text

Rindou: It’s too early in the day to be having homicidal tendencies.

Sanzu: It’s never too early to commit homicide.

Chapter Text

Mikey: We should make a podcast.

Baji: Absolutely.

Mucho: What would we call it?

Kazutora: *jazz hands* Gay bitches!

Mitsuya: But Draken and Pah-chin are straight.

Smiley: *imitating Kazutora* Gay bitches and Pahken!

Chapter Text

Ran: I know Draken looks intimidating but he's my bitch.
Koko: Didn't you make him lunch?
Ran: MY BITCH.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *sends group chat a picture of a cat*

Takemichi: Too cute for this world.

Chifuyu: Majestic.

Baji: This is my god now.

Chapter Text

Benkei: Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Wakasa: Early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive bitch.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Hey, do you like chicken?
Izana: Not really.
Takeomi: And curry?
Izana: Not much.
Takeomi: Then you're not gonna like what I did.
Izana: What? You made chicken curry?
Takeomi: Nah, I slept with Shinichiro.
*several minutes later*
Shinichiro: Why's Takeomi running?

Chapter Text

Hina: Guys, you wanna hear a joke?

Everyone: No

Baji: Give it to me, bitch

Takemichi as Hina opens their mouth: Better think before speaking

Hina with an excited expression: What does a girl get when she mixes coke and rum?

*Everybody stays silent waiting for the answer*

Hina with a wide smile: Cum!

*Baji bursts out in laughter while others sigh*

Takemichi: That’s it. You’re sleeping on the couch

Chapter Text

Mikey: What do we have to eat?
Senju: What don't we have? We got your cold pizza, cold burgers, cold tacos...
Mikey: What do we have that's warm?
Sanzu: Ice cream.
Mikey: Cool. I'll drink it.

Chapter Text

Draken: *turning the key* Sei, I thought you said you fixed this car?

Inui: I did

Draken: It’s not starting

Inui: You gotta hit the button

Draken: What button?

Inui: *presses a doorbell he has badly attached to the dashboard*

*car starts*

Draken:

Inui: If it works it works

Chapter Text

Hanma: *panicking* An ant went in my ear!!! It’s going to eat out my brains!!!

Chonbo: *deadpan* It’s going to starve.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I kinda understand how we lost Sanzu but how are we supposed to find him?!

Wakasa: Don’t worry, I got this.

Wakasa: What’s a baby puffin called?

Takeomi: How would I-

Sanzu: *appearing out of nowhere* A puffling!

Takeomi: AH!

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: GO TO BED! It’s three in the morning and if you don’t you’re going to hate yourselves in the morning!

Kazutora: Jokes on you, we’re going to hate ourselves in the morning regardless!

Rindou: All hail Tora! King of the insomniacs!

Takemichi: All hail!

Mikey: All hail!

Smiley: All hail!

Sanzu: Yay!

Mitsuya:…

Chapter Text

Emma: What are you?!

Mikey: *between two slices of bread* An idiot sandwich…

Chapter Text

South, while covered up with a blanket, drinking hot chocolate and eating cookies: I'm dangerous to be around.

Chapter Text

South: I could kill you if I wanted.
Takemichi: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.

Chapter Text

Koko: I thought you didn't believe in astrology.
Inui: I don't, but I'm very goal driven and I don't like underachieving.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: There’s only one thing worse than dying.
Takemichi: *Rips off paper to reveal ‘Mikey dying’*
Mikey: Me"
Takemichi: NO!

Chapter Text

Chonbo: My role at family functions is to look the best and drink the wine.

Chapter Text

Izana: Every time I see Angry my heart clenches and I get nervous
Kakuchou: OMG! I think that means you’re in love with him! I’m so happy for you
*meanwhile*
Angry: Every time I see Izana my heart clenches and I get nervous
Hakkai: Don’t get to close to him, I think you’re having an allergic reaction

Chapter Text

Mikey, writing a letter: Dear Santa,
I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...
And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard.

Chapter Text

Smiley, getting pulled over: This is obviously a misunderstanding.
Officer: You slapped another motorcyclist off his bike with a pool noodle.
Smiley: I did not-
Baji, coming up to him completely disheveled: YES YOU DID!

Chapter Text

Mikey: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Koko periodically send me texts saying ‘we need to talk.’
Mikey: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: I'm going to ask you to be respectful.
Baji: I will politely decline.

Chapter Text

Person: What makes you happy?
Chifuyu: More kittens. If there's more than the average number of kittens, I'm happy.
Senju: Less kittens make me happy.

Chapter Text

Baji, googling: How to flirt using the smallest amount of words possible without actually flirting because what if he's not gay?
Baji's FBI agent, reaching for a bottle of whiskey: Jesus christ

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, pulling up a chair: Thanks for agreeing to see me.
Takemichi, in bath: I didn’t . . . You just walked in and started talking.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: *carrying a bath-bomb, pink lemonade, and a plate of brownies toward the bathroom*
Benkei: *raises an eyebrow*
Wakasa: Don't judge me.

Chapter Text

Draken: Mikey what do you think me and Emma should call the baby?
Mikey: Candy
Emma: Candy? Sure. And if it’s a boy?
Mikey: Hot Dog
Baji: Awesome. Ryuuguuji Hot Dog, the legacy lives on

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, a doctor: Look, I know we used to date, but let's keep this professional, okay?
Baji: Okay!! So, did I break anything?
Chifuyu, slamming down the X-Ray results: MY HEART!

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Gods, if you're there, my name is Takeomi. If only one of us makes it out alive, please let it be me.
Sanzu: Hey gods, it's me, Sanzu. Fuck Takeomi.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Did you tell anybody that me and Mikey are engaged?
Baji: Yes, Tora, I have no self-control and I told the pretzel vendor that you and Mikey are engaged.
Kazutora: Okay, no need to be sarcastic.
Baji: No, seriously, I have no self-control and I told the pretzel vendor that you and Mikey are engaged.

Chapter Text

Koko, texting Mikey: Are you alive or are u the body they found on trail by Slum Cerk and Sunbury Rd

Chapter Text

Draken: Why are you like this??
Inui: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, after meeting Mikey's gang: I just found out I'm the most boring person in the world.
Emma: Did something happen to Kisaki?

Chapter Text

Draken: Why does everyone keep assuming we're a couple?
Hanma, sitting in Draken's lap: Beats me

Chapter Text

Draken: I promised Takemichi we wouldn’t do anything illegal!
Mitsuya: Why would you lie to them like that?!

Chapter Text

Inui: Do you think they are ok?
Yuzuha: If I drink this entire can of monster, do you think I’ll gain super powers?
Takemichi: The other day I almost got run over and I kinda regret moving out of the way
Koko: I’m barely out of high school and I’m already too old for this
Taiju: They seem fine to me

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Why do wizards and mages and shit in stuff always have to use a fucking stick or staff to do magic? What's so special about a goddamn tree bone?

Emma: There's a huge occult explanation for that but long story short: If you miscast do you want a stick to explode or your hand?

Ran: Also good for hitting people!

Senju: Twirly.

Kazutora: Dramatic flair.

Mikey: Tastes good.

Chapter Text

Baji: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test!

Hina: Ok, Baji, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918?

Baji: 1917.

Hina: ...You're ready.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Kazutora, I need some advice.

Kazutora: You need advice from ME?

Mikey: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Sometimes I don’t know if I love how much I fear Mikey, or fear how much I love him.
Mikey: Aww.

Chapter Text

Hanma: I'm sorry
Kakuchou: For what?
Hanma, backing away slowly: You'll find out...

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Someone's gonna end up crying. Probably me.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Hey uh. Since you fell down, like, 8 flights of stairs just now, Hina wants me to ask you: Are you ok?

Takemichi: Absolutely! My bones and ribs broke my fall!

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Just… why?
Hanma: I get asked that a lot, and I find that the answer is often "I thought it would be funny."

Chapter Text

Baji: Time to fist the turkey!
Sanzu: Is it really fisting if it’s dead?
Baji: Then it’s necrophilia. I figured fisting was a less creepy way to refer to dinner prep.
Sanzu:
Baji:
Sanzu: Or, you could just call it dinner prep.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin, on a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Hoes! That about sums up my friend group.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Draken is so oblivious that someone could smack him and he still wouldn’t know they like him!
Emma: *smacks Draken upside the head*
Draken: Hey! Emma what was that for?!? I wasn’t even doing anything this time!!
Hanma, to Kazutora: Well, you did tell him it wouldn’t work.

Chapter Text

Hanma: This is ridiculous! Why does everyone always assume the worst of me?!

Chifuyu: It saves time.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: We should all go around the table and say what we're thankful for.

Shinichiro: I'll go first. I'm thankful for all the good memories I have with all of you.

Izana: I'm thankful for all the years Mikey wasn't born and I still had moments of peace to myself.

Mikey: SHUT THE-

Shinichiro: Izana, not again we just want a peaceful dinner this time-

Emma: Ditto, but I missed the moments where Izana would shut up for more than 2 minutes.

*Everyone explodes into argument*

Shinichiro: All the happy memories are starting to come back now

Chapter Text

Sanzu: It must be so nice to be rich instead of like…having to develop a personality

Takeomi: Shut up

Sanzu: Buy my silence

Chapter Text

Angry: Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t have feelings for Mitsuya.
Hakkai: *looking lovingly at Mitsuya across the room* I don’t have feelings for Mitsuya.
Angry: Hakkai, you are nowhere near my eyes.

Chapter Text

*fire alarm blaring*

Senju: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Takeomi: WHY WOULD YOU PUT WATER ON A GREASE FIRE?

Senju: ITS A FIRE!

Takeomi: ITS A GREASE FIRE!

Senju: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!

Takeomi: THE TURKEY WAS ON FIRE!

Takemichi: I’m never letting these idiots cook thanksgiving dinner again.

Chapter Text

Emma: *drunk* Are we best friends?
Koko: *equally as drunk* Of course
Emma: Would you give me a kidney?
Koko: I would give you my left one
Emma: Well I want the right one
Koko: Well that’s just unreasonable

Chapter Text

Hanma: I suppose you don't like me very much anymore.
Koko: Not particularly, no.
Hanma: That's alright. I'm a bit of an acquired taste.
Koko: Vinegar, I imagine.
Hanma: I deserve that.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I gave you my house key for emergencies.

Naoto, on Takemichi's bed: Well, I had an emergency.

Takemichi: What is it?

Naoto: I missed you.

Chapter Text

Draken: You fucking idiot!
Hanma: Shut up, you moron!
Kisaki: Are they fighting?
Mikey: I'm not sure... They're calling each other awfull things, but they're holding hands and Draken keeps kissing Hanma...

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Wow...Taiju really hates us.

Hakkai: Maybe he's homophobic?

Mitsuya: We're not a couple Hakkai.

Hakkai: We're not?

Yuzuha: You're not?

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I accidentally indulged in too much 'Me time'
Wakasa: Turns out, I've been reported missing for six months and presumed dead by most locals and national authorities.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Kakuchou, what are you doing?

Kakuchou: Eating a bag of family size chips.

Takemichi: But that’s a normal bag of chips.

Kakuchou: Everything’s family size when you’re an orphan.

Takemichi: Oh, sweetie, no.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *walks in on Chifuyu and Hakkai*

Chifuyu: *holding a first-aid kit* Bro! I was homoerotically cleaning and patching my friend’s wounds and you ruined it! I was scolding him for being an idiot in an exasperated but fond tone of voice while I tenderly bandaged his knuckles and we both tried unsuccessfully to avoid looking into each other’s eyes until the tension between us became unbearable when you entered the room without knocking and totally killed the mood! What the hell, man?!

Chapter Text

Ran: Okay. So I heard you're God. That's cool, I guess. But can you make tea in four different ways? Or use the rare fourth utensil correctly??

Kisaki:

Ran: I thought not

Chapter Text

Mikey: I’m done with making choices

Mikey: I’m gonna stream my life on twitch and let them make decisions for me

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: We’re looking for our boss. Tall. Blonde. Bit of a bitch.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I really hate to say this but it would be nice if you‘d take my height into consideration when we walk together. I can’t keep up with your long legs

South: *takes out a pair of roller skates from his backpack*

South: Put these on and hold onto my sleeve

Chapter Text

Chonbo: *trying to teach Baji, Chome and Choji*

Chonbo: This is calm.

Chonbo: Calm is good.

Kazutora: *pointing to Hanma hanging by his foot from a building’s roof*

Kazutora: This is stupid.

Kazutora: Stupid is no.

Chapter Text

Senju: What is your favourite mythical story?
Mikey: The Story Of My Will To Live.
Senju: I don’t think I’ve heard of that one before.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I once had a haircut I deeply regretted
Wakasa: Is it the one you have now?
Shinichiro: No
Wakasa: Well it should be

Chapter Text

Benkei: Honestly, Takemichi, do you even remember the ABCs of first aid?
Takemichi: A.
Takemichi: Bone.
Takemichi: Coming out of the skin is very bad.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I fixed it!

Hina: What did you fix?

Takemichi: Everything!

*loud explosion in background*

Takemichi: Except that.

Chapter Text

Kazutora, innocently, to a policeman: Please let me go. I’m just a sweet little boy who got caught up with the wrong crowd.
Baji, arriving out of breath: How did you get out of the handcuffs?!
Kazutora, back in his normal voice: Ah, just a trick I learned in juvie.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Live fast, die young, and leave behind a pretty corpse, that's what I always say.

Draken: You should probably say something else and not do what you just said.

Chapter Text

Chome: Can you multitask?
Kazutora: Yes, actually, I’m losing my mind and chilling at the same time.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Fuck AND marry Takemichi, and I’ll kill everyone else.

Izana: Damn it, Mikey. That’s not how the game works.

Chapter Text

Mikey: It hurts. Being like this. And it's not like any pain you can feel when you're alive. It's… it hurts to exist. To be dead and still here.

Chapter Text

Baji: It’s not “stabbing”, it’s “surprise acupuncture”!

Chapter Text

Emma: 'Ladies and gentlemen' is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly I'm falling asleep already.
Emma: 'Fools'  on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, casual and fun, short and to the point, exciting, and dramatic.

Chapter Text

*after being punished by Wakasa*
Shinichiro, limping slightly: Oh, man. My butt.
Akane, also limping: Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.
Takeomi: And for two hours? I thought it would never end.
Benkei: I know. How dare Wakasa make us sit in those uncomfortable chairs and think about what we'd done!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I will be there quickly. Try to apply pressure to the wounds and don’t move too much
Takemichi: It’s ok
Takemichi: The weight of the rubble crushing my body is pressing down on my wounds and preventing me from moving
Chifuyu: We need to work on your definition of ok

Chapter Text

Kazutora: My criminal record? The only illegal thing I’ve done is absolutely killing it on the dance floor. 

Kazutora: Ha, just kidding. I’ve killed two men.

Chapter Text

Baji: Mom always said that when a girl is mean to you, that mean she’s in love with you.

Baji: So I’m just gonna assume that Emma wants to fuck me all the time.

Chapter Text

Emma and Mikey: *staring out of the window*
Izana: What are you two doing?
Mikey: The Wi-Fi's down so we're watching a couple break up down the street.
Emma: It's just like TLC!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: So Omi, how did your first time cooking dinner go?
Takeomi: Pretty good if I do say so myself
Akane: Oo! Okay, what are we having?
Takeomi: Alright, so for appetizers, we have a potato
Benkei: A whole potato?
Takeomi: Yes. And then for the main course, we have grilled cheese sandwiches!
Wakasa: These just look like big slabs of black
Takeomi: Because that's what they are!
Takeomi: And then for desert, we have chocolate
Shinichiro: These are just chocolate chips?
Takeomi: They sure are!
Takeomi: And then for drinks, we have toast!
Takeomi: *lifts up a glass of blended toast* Bon appetite!
Sanzu: Still better than Senju’s cooking
Akane: How did you get in here!?
Sanzu: *Jumps out window*
Wakasa: That's why I like your family more-

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Have you ever had a friend who you love to death but at the same time you hate them and every once in a while you get an extremely strong urges to beat the shit out of them

Baji and Hanma: *Aggressively side-eyeing each other*

Chapter Text

Baji: Can I go to the bathroom?

Shion: It’s "may".

Baji: It’s November!?

Chapter Text

*Chome stressing out over homework*

Chonbo: It's okay, we'll just keep going over it until you get it

Kazutora: Yeah, cheer up! Just remember that, no matter how dumb you might feel, no one can be dumber than Baji!

Baji: Hey!

Chapter Text

Mucho: What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Sanzu, not looking up from his phone: Baji

Chapter Text

Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut?
Shion: Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass.

Chapter Text

Emma: I can't find it! I CAN'T FIND IT!
Shinichiro: Can't find what?
Emma: My happiness...
Izana: What?
Mikey: She means she can't find Takemitchy...

Chapter Text

Draken: Hanma has been staring at me for a while. Do you think he likes me?

Mitsuya:

Mitsuya: This is literally your wedding-

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: So? Did you kiss her?

Draken: No, the moment wasn’t right. Look, Emma could actually be my future wife. I want our first kiss to be amazing.

Takemichi: Aww, that’s so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, on his first day as a pilot: We are about to take off. Please make sure all small things are secure.

Takeomi: *looks at Senju*

Senju: I will stab you

Chapter Text

Hina: What part of “stay put” is confusing to you?
Takemichi: The “put” part. I wasn’t “put” in the first place, Shiho-chan. The whole expression is a complete disaster.

Chapter Text

Hina: I can’t believe they suspended me.
Takuya: Well, you did call them a glorified high-school teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting their own farts.
Hina: In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”

Chapter Text

Pah-chin, to Kazutora: Are you really okay, Tora?
Kazutora: Yeah, I’m totally fine
Pah-chin: Are you sure about that? You asked me earlier if you could borrow some glue to hold yourself together

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Why the hell is there blood everywhere?
Sanzu/Senju: Well, you see, it's simple color theory-

Chapter Text

Ran: It’s such a shame peasants like you don’t even have a last name.

Hanma: God you are such a supercilious pr-

Ran: Do you want mine?

Hanma: Wh- what?

Ran: Do you want my last name?

Hanma:

Hanma: Yes.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Anything you say in the next thirty seconds is free, starting right now.
Draken: I think you’re cocky. Arrogant. Bossy and pushy. You also have a god complex and don’t think of anybody but yourself.
Mikey: But—
Draken: Wait, I still have twenty-three seconds and I’m not done.

Chapter Text

Baji: What colour is a mirror?

Takemichi: Here's a better one: Get out of my room!

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Why does he keeps rejecting my calls?!
Mochi: Typical Mikey, never answer anyone calls.
Koko: He rejected 10 of my calls!
Takeomi: I'm pretty sure the little shit blocked me.
Sanzu: *calls Mikey, on loudspeaker*
Mikey: Hello, my beautiful Haruchiyo.

Chapter Text

Shion: I can’t believe all these people are wearing black. Black is supposed to be my thing, they’re all just posers.
Mochi: Madarame, for the last time, we’re at a funeral.

Chapter Text

Mucho, after witnessing Sanzu scare the living daylights out of Takemichi: Sometimes I forget just how dangerous and terrifying you can be.
Sanzu: That’s the point, Mucho!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Hanma, we need to talk about your professionalism.

Hanma, crouching on desk: Bold words for someone standing in lava!

Chapter Text

Hina: With all due respect—
Hina: And be aware, it is none—

Chapter Text

Emma: The sky looks beautiful tonight.
Draken: You know who else is beautiful?
Emma, blushing: Who?
Shion, squeezing himself between them: Me.

Chapter Text

Choji, arms around Chonbo and Chome, standing on a particular property: Perfect for a wedding.
Chome: I know, right?
Chonbo: THIS IS A FUNERAL HOME-

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I'd like to think my friends and I have evolved as a group consciousness so that no individual truly knows what the hell they’re doing.

Chapter Text

Angry: I had a terrible dream last night, you were in it.
Hakkai: And?
Angry: What do you mean by 'and'?

Chapter Text

Hanma: GO AHEAD AND HIT ME, MIKEY!! I GOT WITNESSES!!

Mikey: Turn around, Senju.

Senju: *turns around* Sure.

Hanma: Senju…?

Chapter Text

Mitsuya, reading out of Baji’s journal: “Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed”

Mitsuya: *stares at Baji in disbelief*

Baji, smiling: see?

Chapter Text

Takuya, texting in the group chat: I wonder what Apple shots would look like?

Yamagishi: *Sends a picture of a syringe with an apple slice shoddily edited inside*

Takemichi: *Sends a picture of a shot glass with an Apple poorly drawn inside*

Makoto: *Sends picture of person dunking a Basketball into the hoop but replaced the basketball with a poorly resized apple*

Takuya: I hate all of you.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *moves and at least seven joints crack*

Takemichi: Why does pain hurt so much?

Chapter Text

Judge: For your crimes, you are sentenced to 68 years in prison!

Hanma: Can y-

Hanma: Can you add one more year-

Chapter Text

Baji: You’re right.

Draken: Thats...that’s an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

Chapter Text

*After losing a fight with Draken*

Hanma, bruised: I like a girl who plays rough.

Chome: But she just tried to pound you into pulp?

Hanma: You’re young; you’ll learn.

Chapter Text

Baji: Oh wow, I didn’t know you liked baking Choji.
Choji: I didn’t bake these. These pies were made in a factory. A bomb factory. They’re bombs.
Hanma: I’LL TAKE TWENTY!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I'm allergic to death.

Chapter Text

Baji: *moving to give Kazutora a hug*
Kazutora: *flinches*
Baji: Why’d you move?
Kazutora: I thought you were gonna hit me
Baji: I was gonna hug you
Kazutora: Why would you hug me?
Baji: WHY WOULD I HIT YOU?

Chapter Text

Senju: What’s with the new body wash you bought? It smells like dish soap

Takeomi: It was on sale

Senju: I smell like a plate, Takeomi

Chapter Text

Hanma: Sex?
Kazutora: No wtf
Hanma: No I'm asking your gender
Hanma: Male or female
Kazutora: Oh sorry lmao
Kazutora: Male
Hanma: Cool
Hanma: Wanna fuck?

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: OK I’M GIVING YOU TEN SECONDS TO TELL ME WHO ATE MY OREOS BEFORE I START WREAKING HAVOC ON YOUR ASSES

Hanma: I saw Mochi go into the cabi…

Mochi: Hanma please don’t do this

Hanma: Cabinet and grab the pack

Mochi: Why would you do this to me

Kakuchou: Oh Mochi it was you? Do you want another pack sweetheart?

Chapter Text

Wakasa to Senju: Have you not been taking out your contacts every night?
Sanzu: She's too scared; I have to do it for her.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Takemichi’s world gets turned upside-down by the softest breeze

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: What was your opinion of 'Gnomeo and Juliet?'
Peh-yan: Very curious workmanship, but it shaped my childhood

Chapter Text

Draken, talking about Sanzu: Sometimes I think he's crazy.
Pah-chin: No, he's definitely crazy!

Chapter Text

Izana: Well now my hands are really sticky.
Rindou: That's because you ripped ice cream chunks apart with your bare hands

Chapter Text

Emma: And Shin was all like, "Love is not an appropriate emotion. Kill it out of your brain".

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: Part of me says, "I could go to bed at 9," and the other part of me is like, "I watch videos on my phone till 4 am."

Chapter Text

Hanma: I'm very focused.

Kisaki: You're not even looking at me right now.

Hanma: I thought I saw something shiny.

Chapter Text

Mana: Three of the four elements are represented as types of hockey. Air hockey, ice hockey, and field hockey. Fire hockey needs to be a thing.

Naoto: Fire hockey absolutely does NOT need to be a thing.

Luna: Do you care NOTHING for the balance of the four elements!?

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: How did they explain it in the pamphlet?
Hakkai: It's freaking excellent and that's all I'm gonna tell you

Chapter Text

Chome: What would happen if you microwaved a bug? I was thinking about microwaving my own hands, and then I was like "First of all, that doesn't make any sense-"

Chapter Text

Draken: Your insolence has gone too far!
Baji: Wrong! It can go a lot further!

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Can't win 'em all
Emma: Yuzu, I would like to at least win ONE

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Celebrities receive meaningless threats all the time. It's really no big deal.
Naoto: Of course. Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that's right, because it threatens death!

Chapter Text

Baji: Babe look! I made a marshmallow Haruchiyo! See, his arms are crossed because he's mad at marshmallow Baji for annoying him. Do you like it??

Sanzu, tearing up: It's fine.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: It costs 0 yens to keep your rude comments to yourself
Sanzu: It also costs 0 yens to say them out loud, so I'm good
Koko: *places swear jar on the table*
Sanzu: You bitch *puts in 100 yens*

Chapter Text

Mikey: Mint is just cold spicy.

Bonten: ...

Rindou: What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Who are you?

Takemichi: You killed my girlfriend.

Kisaki: … Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I hate you.
Hanma: Well, according to this picture I drew of us holding hands, that must be untrue.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Sorry, I sneezed and accidentally liked your post.

Kazutora: And commented “damn, honey” on all my pictures?

Mikey: I had the flu.

Chapter Text

Senju: Fuck the police! Eat the rich!

Takeomi: *staring at Naoto* Yeah, I'm trying to.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: Real life should have a fucking search function, or something.
Pah-chin: I need my socks.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Hey, what are your pronouns? I need to talk about you behind your back.
Senju: She/They
Mikey: Thanks!

Chapter Text

Hanma: *placing down a card* King of Hearts
Mikey: *places down a Pokemon card* Squirtle
Choji: What are they playing?
Draken: *sighing* Uno

Chapter Text

Sanzu: When you turn 18, people are gonna try and tell you to buy drugs or cigarettes because you can. No. You know what else is legal to buy at 18? Blades. Get yourself a damn sword. A big knife is also okay.

Chapter Text

Ran, dramatically flopping onto South’s lap: Minami, tell me I’m pretty.

South, smiling lovingly: You’re pretty fucking annoying is what you are.

Chapter Text

*Emma making pancakes at noon*

Izana: We just ate, why the fuck are you making pancakes?

Emma: They are for the dogs!

Izana: Why in the fucking world would you make pancakes for dogs?

Emma, tearing up: They don't know how to

Chapter Text

Benkei: *showing Shinichiro different fighting techniques* Now let me take you from behind-
Shinichiro: Let you what?!

Chapter Text

Hanma: What kind of world would it be if everyone who committed a silly little crime went to prison? Complete madness!

Chapter Text

Shion: What seems to be the problem, officer?

Naoto: Get out of my car.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Give up on Toman.

Kazutora: Why?

Hanma: Join my chaotic and full of mentally fucked up people gang.

Chapter Text

Smiley, as a police officer: 911, what's your emergency?
Smiley: What do you mean you're being followed? That's illegal people can't do that but if they continue you have my permission to beat the shit out of them.

Chapter Text

Takeomi on the first day back on the gym Wakasa & Benkei own: Okay guys, meet my new friend, Mochi. He gave me two dollars this morning for some reason, so I bought a jelly pouch with it.

Senju, whispering: Why did you give him two dollars?

Mochi, whispering back: I thought he was homeless

Chapter Text

Sanzu, in a high voice, holding a barbie doll: Hey Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Senju, in a deep voice, holding a ken doll: Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids!

Benkei: what the fuck are you guys doing?

Senju: Playing systemic oppression.

Chapter Text

Smiley: The next time Souya's angry with me, I'll drape him in a cape and say "now you're super Angry"
Smiley: Maybe he'll laugh, maybe I'll die

Chapter Text

Kidnapper: We have your younger brother

Izana: Let me speak with him

Kidnapper: Go ahead you’re on speaker

Izana: Dumbass

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: WHY IS THE BUILDING ON FIRE?
Baji: A dragon sneezed.
Hanma: I tried to light a cigar with a flame thrower.
Shion: Dropped my latest mix tape.
Draken: Tora, please tell me what happened.
Kazutora: Um.
*flashback to Baji and Hanma arguing with Shion that it was impossible to light a fire extinguisher on fire*
Kazutora: I don’t remember.

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: Shinichiro, why are there little handprints on the wall?
Shinichiro: Manjiro, why are there little handprints on the wall?
Baby Mikey: Because I have little hands
Shinichiro: Because he has little hands

Chapter Text

Therapist: Practically the only unhealthy behaviour I didn’t see from this family was physical violence.
*Akashi siblings all share a look*
Takeomi: Yeah. At least we don’t do that.

Chapter Text

Stranger: *gesturing to Mikey* Is this man bothering you?

Angry: Yes, but he's my husband. I signed up for this

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Don’t fear death, fear the state in which you die.
Chifuyu, terrified: New Jersey????

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Anybody under 5'7 can't be talking about fighting anyone, like what are you gonna do? Headbutt someone in the chest?

Senju: Say goodbye to your kneecaps, asshole.

Chapter Text

*Benkei lifting weights*
Takemichi: Wow... He's so intense!
Draken: I wonder what drives him.
Benkei: *internally* Oh I am going to be SO good at giving hugs.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I can't believe something so terrible could happen.
Senju: Press F to pay respects.
Takeomi: See, this is why I hate teenagers. I don’t even know what that means.

Chapter Text

Mochi: You know that voice in your head that tells you what you’re doing is wrong?
Ran, Rindou and Sanzu: You mean the one that sounds like Kakuchou?

Chapter Text

Baji: Now hear me out...
Yuzuha: Get out.
Hina: Oh no, I want to hear this

Chapter Text

Draken: I hate you so much
Mikey: That's not true
Mikey: If you hated me you wouldn't put up with my bullshit

Chapter Text

Senju: You can't just be everyone's therapist Michi!
Takemichi: Watch me.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Chome you suck at Mario Kart
Chome: You've hit every wall, and this is the easiest level.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: My only talent is being stress.
Takeomi: Don't you mean stressed?
Kakuchou: No.

Chapter Text

Baji: Okay good news and bad news
Chifuyu: Bad news first
Baji: The cat pooped in your room
Chifuyu: We don’t have a cat
Baji: That brings me on to the good news-

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Takemichi has been ranting about their life on Toman
Kazutora: Most of the complaints were about people breaking into their room
Kazutora: I told Takemichi to sleep with a knife.
Kazutora: All of the captains and vice-captains are now in the hospital.

Chapter Text

Emma: Don't talk down to me.
Draken: Well, I could hardly talk up to you. You’re too short

Chapter Text

Kazutora, to anyone who would listen: I don't hate my father. He's my father. I just constantly wish I could fire him out of a cannon at a brick wall.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I’m gonna be honest here

Chifuyu: Is that wise?

Takemichi: No but I’m gonna do it anyways

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I’ll speak French between your legs.
Takemichi: That’s the hottest thing I’ve ever been told.
Hakkai: I’m just picturing someone screaming “BONJOUR” at a penis.
Hanma: SACRE BLEU MADEMOISELLE VAGINA HON HON HON TITTY CROISSANTS
Baji: TITTY CROISSANTS-
Kisaki: None of you should ever be having sex.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I have anemia, so just watch for if I pass out. I’m probably fine, but I do that sometimes.

Kakuchou: Hey, we’re pass out buddies! I pass out from hypoglycemia!

Hakkai: I pass out from anxiety sometimes.

Rindou: I have seizures.

Shion: You guys have reasons? I just pass out randomly.

Mikey: Sometimes I fall off Draken's back if I'm in a deep sleep.

Draken/Mochi: And I guess that means we are you idiots’ fall guard then.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: How do I get out of the friendzone?
Mitsuya: What? Who put u there Hakkai?

Chapter Text

Mikey: Mitsuya, I screwed up big time.

Mitsuya: Given your daily life experience, you're going to have to be more specific.

Chapter Text

Mana: Man, time really flies when you take two naps a day.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Draken and Emma told me Santa wasn’t real when I was 15
Mikey: Well jokes on them because I’m at the shopping centre and guess who’s fucking here

Chapter Text

Kakucgou: So, fuck me if I'm wrong-

Ran: You're wrong

Kakuchou: But I-

Ran: 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨

Chapter Text

Draken: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.
Takemichi: Mine just says "Takemichi no."
Draken: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

Chapter Text

Naoto: Are you ready to fucking die?
Mikey: I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me.

Chapter Text

Benkei: *knocking on bathroom door* Hey, you busy?

Senju: *doing her eyeliner with a knife* As a matter of fact, I am

Chapter Text

Benkei: Hello, it is I, your favorite gym leader.
Senju: Actually, Waka is my favourite.
Benkei: Okay then, it is I, that bitch.

Chapter Text

Mikey: No, we did it.

Draken, in his head: Friends to lovers, 4k, fluff and angst, happy ending.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: I turned out perfectly fine!

Yuzuha: Hakkai, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast

Hakkai: I DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN! YOU DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN!!!

Chapter Text

Izana, looking at Ran: I love you.

Ran: Wait, what?

Izana: I protect my investments.

Ran: Didn't you just sa-

Izana: I can easily replace you.

Ran: Alright! Calm down, edgelord.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: We can't kill him!
Mucho: Not with that attitude, we can't.

Chapter Text

Choji: What’s the wifi password?
Chonbo: This is a funeral!
Choji, typing: This... is... a... funeral

Chapter Text

Baji: You have a lot of nerve being here.
Kisaki: You have a lot of nerve being dead.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I’m not a serial killer.
Pah-yan: That’s good- wait. Why did you emphasize serial?

Chapter Text

Mikey: We had to leave at this ungodly hour
Kakuchou: It’s four in the afternoon
Sanzu: He’s got this thing about the sun
Mikey: It’s too bright

Chapter Text

Angry: I beg your pardon?
Rindou: Then beg

Chapter Text

Mikey: I have a plan
Mitsuya: Does it involve breaking the law?
Pah-chin: Don’t you think that’s a given by now?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: This guy has been bothering me
Hina: Kill him
Takemichi:
Hina, softer: I'll kill him for you?
Takemichi: Hina, no

Chapter Text

Mochi: You guys are actual idiots, you know that?
Shion:
Baji:
Hanma:
Shion: In our defense, we did know that

Chapter Text

Hanma: Why don’t you ever reply to my texts?
Kisaki, scrolling through his phone: I don’t have a phone

Chapter Text

Chifuyu to Kazutora: I despise you
Baji: It’s okay if you don’t like him, not everyone has great taste

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I’m fine
Mitsuya: No. you’re not. You have three gunshot wounds and if you don't let me heal them you may very possibly die

Chapter Text

Baji: Let me give you some advice
Chome: Oh okay
Baji: If a door ever says “push” you pull, it’s not directions, it’s a challenge

Chapter Text

Mikey: You are a goldfish
Hina: Explain
Mikey: A snack that smiles back

Chapter Text

South: *looking up “how to comfort someone”*
Website: Do not make insensitive comments or mock the person
South: Fuck!

Chapter Text

Inui: I wish I could throw feelings down the drain

Chapter Text

Taiju: I’m a piece of trash
Shion: As someone who deeply cares about the environment I am obligated to pick you up, is around seven okay?
Taiju: ...Smooth

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: It's crazy how Leonardo could paint and invent all those things, and still find the time to be a crime-fighting turtle
Benkei: And he was amazing in the Titanic
Takeomi: He was a real Renaissance man
Wakasa:
Wakasa: *slowly puts his head on a table*

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Today is a gorgeous day, the sky is a beautiful blue, the birds are singing, the trees are so green—  
Takemichi: Kazutora texted you good morning, didn’t he? 
Chifuyu: With three heart emojis!

Chapter Text

*Toman founders right before Kazutora's wedding with Wakasa*
Pah-chin: Well I have to go, I have a wedding to attend.
Mikey: Wait... Oh! I have a wedding to attend too!
Baji: Oh, I have a wedding to attend as well.
Draken: I THINK WE ALL HAVE A WEDDING TO ATTEND!
Mitsuya, panicked: I THINK I HAVE A WEDDING TO OFFICIATE!

Chapter Text

Hanma: We need to distract these guys
Emma: Leave it to me
Emma: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
Izana, Kisaki, and Choji: *Immediately begin arguing*
Chome, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Makoto: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Takuya: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Makoto, learn to listen.
Takemichi: What if it bites itself and I die?
Chifuyu: That’s voodoo.
Akkun: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Makoto: That’s correlation, not causation.
Takemichi: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Chifuyu: That’s kinky.
Yamagishi: Oh my God.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I CAN'T DO IT!
Baji, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Kazutora: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Chome: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Kazutora:
Kazutora: I appreciate it,
Kazutora: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Choji: Tora-
Kazutora: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Chonbo: Tora we gotta-
Kazutora: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Kazutora: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
Kazutora, motioning to Hanma: NOT FUCKING THIS

Chapter Text

Senju: Hewwo.
Hina: Hihiiiiii!
Yuzuha: Greetings, Humans.
Emma: Three kinds of people.
Kazutora: I want pudding.
Senju: Four kinds of people.
Baji: WHAT’S UP FUCKERS?
Emma: Five kinds of people.

Chapter Text

Emma: Croissants: dropped
Sanzu: Road: works ahead
Senju: BBQ sauce: on my titties
Izana: Shavacado: fre
Mikey: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead
Takeomi:
Takeomi, grumpy: I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?
Shinichiro: Nope, absolutely not.
Akane: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.
Benkei: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.
Shinichiro: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.
Wakasa: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

Chapter Text

'Can I copy the homework?'
Mitsuya: I can help you with it!
Draken/Angry: Yeah, sure.
Kazutora: Bold of you to assume I did the homework.
South/Taiju: lol nope.
Chonbo: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!
Wakasa: *Read 5:55pm*

Chapter Text

Hanma: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Kazutora: Okay, but what is updog?
Chome: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
Chonbo: Not, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
Choji: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Baji: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
Hanma: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Chonbo: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Chome: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Kazutora: What’s a henway??
Hanma: Oh, about five pounds.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: What’s something you guys are better than Mikey at?
Baji: Mario Kart.
Chifuyu: Yeah, video games.
Takemichi: Emotional vulnerability

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Where's Sanzu, Senju and Emma?
Benkei: They're playing hide and seek.
Takeomi: Where?
Benkei: I don't think you get how this game works.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?

Ran: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies

Rindou: Socks are Feetie Heaties

Izana: Forks are Stabby Grabbies

Shion: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties

Mucho: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies

Hanma: Stamps are Lickie Stickies

Kakuchou, annoyed: You are disappointments

Mochi: Take deep breaths, Kakuchou, deep breaths.

Chapter Text

Taiju: You kidnapped Takemichi? That’s illegal!
South: But Taiju, what’s more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing Takemichi, or destroying our dreams?
Taiju: Kidnapping Takemichi, South!!!
Mucho: Taiju, listen, whatever I may think of you right now- these guys are counting on you to inspire them!
Taiju: What, to kidnap people?!?!
Mucho: To work together!
Taiju: TO KIDNAP PEOPLE?!?!?!?!
Shion: Taiju, we all agreed a celebrity is a not a people.

Chapter Text

Mikey: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.
Draken: ... Your what?
Mikey: My friends.
Mitsuya: Are they saying “friends”?
Pah-shin: I think they're being sarcastic.
Baji: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Mikey! All of your friends are in this room.
Mikey: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: You're a loose cannon, Kazutora.
Kazutora: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?
Hakkai: I think you play by your own rules.
Hina: No way, they think rules were made to be broken.
Chifuyu: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.
Kazutora: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Hanma is a loose cannon.
Hanma: *smashes a chair*

Chapter Text

Mikey: *Screams*
Hanma: *Screams louder to assert dominance*
Takemichi: Should we do something?!
Kazutora, observing: No, I want to see who wins this.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Self care is actually getting into fights with randoms in dark alleys.
Kazutora: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap!
Izana: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you!! Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists!! Self care is the fear in your enemies’ eyes!!!
Emma: Lmao self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting.
Mikey: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands.

Chapter Text

Senju: On the count of three, what's your favorite cake? One, two, three-
Senju and Takemichi, in unison: Chocolate cake peanut butter frosting with chocolate chunks!
Chifuyu: Our turn, Kazutora! One, two, three- vanilla!
Kazutora, deadpan: I've never had cake, what is cake.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Um, Baji-san, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family?
Baji: We need money!
Chifuyu: You're scamming him?
Baji: I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him?
Chifuyu: What?! No way!
Baji: Why not? We already stole Takemichi!
Past Takemichi: Hey guys
Chifuyu: No, we didn't. Takemichi can think and talk for themself, they can do whatever they want!
Past Takemichi: I wanna steal

Chapter Text

Mikey, to Takemichi: My life is in the hands of an idiot!
Takemichi, motioning to themself and Kisaki: No no no no no, TWO idiots!

Chapter Text

Mikey: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Senju: Okay.
Mikey: And make out during the scary parts.
Senju: Th-
Senju: The scary parts.
Senju: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Chapter Text

Emma: Yes I am smart.
Emma: Yes I am stupid.
Emma: It’s called being flexible.

Chapter Text

South: My new business cards just arrived!
The cards: “Please do not contact me.”

Chapter Text

Hina singing while Naoto practices guitar: Hey, the music isn’t bothering you, is it?
Kisaki: In terms of distraction from work, or the largely nonsensical nature of the lyrics?
Hina:
Hina: ...The first one.
Kisaki: Ah, no, then.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Senju, my baby sister, my sunshine, my--

Senju: What meme do you want to me to explain this time?

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.
Bonten: Awww~
Kakuchou: And I tell myself, “If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything!”
Bonten: Oh.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Due to circumstances beyond my control--
Rindou: Impulsivity and inattention to detail.

Chapter Text

Senju: If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?

Chapter Text

Luna: You can get very far in life if you pretend to know what you’re doing.

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: I’m never wrong.
Yamagishi: I thought I was wrong once...
Yamagishi: But I was wrong!

Chapter Text

South: My new rule is that no one can veto my rules.
Kakuchou: Well, that’s called tyranny, and it’s generally frowned upon.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Mmmm, dirt! Tasty!
Shinichiro: The D in “dirt” stands for, “Do not eat this, please!”
Mikey: And the I stands for, “I will anyway!”
Izana: The R stands for...rat...
Emma: And the T stands for Trans Rights!

Chapter Text

Makoto: What is toothpaste, if not bone soap?
Akkun: Existence is a prison and being your friend is maximum security.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Remember me?
Sanzu: Are you questioning our memories, or your relevance?

Chapter Text

Shion: I’d like you all to remember how much you adore me, and how dull your lives would be without me.
Kisaki:
Mochi:
Izana:
Kakuchou: ...What did you do?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I did something bad...
Emma: It’s okay, I have a shovel.
Takemichi: Wait, what do you think I did??
Emma: Doesn’t matter, no one’ll ever know.

Chapter Text

Baji: I do not “spew profanities”, I enunciate them like a fucking lady!

Chapter Text

Kisaki: I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
Kisaki: It’ll definitely spice up my autobiography.

Chapter Text

Takeomi and Takemichi: *accidentally set Takemichi's kitchen on fire*
Takeomi: We need an adult!
Takemichi: Takeomi, you are an adult!
Takeomi: We need an adultier adult! Get Waka! Or Benkei!

Chapter Text

Emma: I found concealer in your medicine cabinet. What’s that about?
Takemichi: Sometimes I get blemishes. I’m not perfect.

Chapter Text

Baji: I made a mistake. Now are you going to help me fix it, or are you going to continue to berate me?
Mitsuya: I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.

Chapter Text

Naoto: Unbelievable! Wherever you go, it’s just death, destruction, the literal ends of worlds!

Mikey: I know.

Chapter Text

Emma: Get over here, Izana! Being part of the family also means being part of group hugs

Chapter Text

South: I got called a bitch at the café once.
Mochi: Why? What were you doing?
South: Being a bitch.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I’m starting to think that everything is...meaningless. I mean, you’re welcome to come to your own conclusions, but that’s just where I’m at.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: This is my family. I found it all on my own. It’s little and broken, but still good.
Yuzuha: We literally spend most of our time trying to stop most of us from turning into emo crime lords, suicidal idiots or whatever the fuck we invent next.
Chifuyu: Hush...

Chapter Text

Baji: I have a plan that has no right to work, but let’s try it anyway!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Are you out of your mind?!
Kazutora: Well, yes, but that’s not a recent thing.

Chapter Text

Hina: Update- I may or may not be in a cult.

Hina: Update 2- I may or may not be the leader of said cult.

Chapter Text

Izana: Your existence is confusing.
Rindou: How so?
Izana: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Do you and your friends always run headlong into certain death?
Takemichi: Sometimes we walk, occasionally we shuffle, periodically we amble. I’m pretty sure one of us tripped into certain death once.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like they suck and I will totally kill that guy for you.
Senju: Nah, just beat ‘em up.

Chapter Text

Takuya: Wait a minute! You don’t go towards the weird, scary sound!

Makoto: Yeah we do.

Akkun: We always do.

Yamagishi: I don't that there was ever a time we didn't do that.

Takemichi: I hate that about us.

Chapter Text

Kazutora/Mikey/Takemichi: In this world, it’s either hug or be hugged. And I’m very emotionally unstable so I’m pretty much down for both.

Chapter Text

Naoto: Wait, be quiet...
Chifuyu: Do you hear something?
Naoto: No, I just want you to be quiet.

Chapter Text

Yasuda: Since it’s impossible to determine the middle of your life, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I feel like I want to murder someone.
Sanzu: And also I want a burrito.

Chapter Text

Koko: What are you doing here?
Hakkai: Running from my problems.
Koko: Come on in.

Chapter Text

Koko: My death will probably be caused by me being sarcastic at the wrong time.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I am darkness! I am power! I am your worst nightmare! I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night, I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-

Wakasa: A doll.

Benkei: A cinnamon roll.

Senju: A sweetheart!

Sanzu:

Sanzu: S-Stop it...

Chapter Text

Izana: When you’re gay in your house with nobody else, you’re homolone.
Shinichiro: When you’re bi and there’s nobody else around, you’re biyourself.
Mikey: When you’re asexual and nobody is present in your vicinity, you’re aceolated.
Emma: When you’re pansexual and everyone else already left, you’ve been apandoned.

Chapter Text

Baji: I want to see my little boy...

Chifuyu, carrying Peke J into the hospital room: Here he comes!

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Like they always say - if at first you don’t succeed, try, try--
Sanzu: A sword?
Takeomi: What?! Nooo!!

Chapter Text

Kisaki: I'll admit that my evil plan didn't quite work out. But it's okay! I have many more schemes! I'm the schemiest. I'm heavy with schemes!

Chifuyu: And light on adjectives.

Chapter Text

Mikey: So, in concusion - history is good, ignorance is bad.
Mikey: Therefore, read a book.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: Great, the gang's all here! Now we can die together!

Chapter Text

Mikey: We can got to the cinema if you’re allowed.
Sanzu: If I’m allowed?
Mikey: I’m not usually allowed to bring snacks into the cinema, so…

Chapter Text

Luna: I made tea.

Mana: I don’t want tea.

Luna: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea.

Mana: Then why are you telling me?

Luna: It's a conversation starter.

Mana: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Luna: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Don't change the subject.

Mitsuya: What's the subject?

Hakkai: Me.

Chapter Text

Baji: We're great together because we're so different.

Mitsuya: True, I'm always right and you're always wrong.

Chapter Text

Emma: You jumped out of a moving plane rather than talk to me about your feelings!

Mikey: You're exaggerating. The air sucked me out like a vacuum.

Emma: You hit the ground and started running!

Chapter Text

Hanma: Do you remember that horrible roommate you had back in college?

Takemichi: You mean you?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I love Mikey, but they have a lot of problems.

Mikey: Great, I'll fix them!

Takemichi: Do you want to know what they are?

Mikey: Absolutely not.

Chapter Text

Senju: I CAN BUY AND SELL YOU, OLD MAN!

Takeomi: …Fair enough.

Chapter Text

Taiju: Remember how upset you got when Hakkai ended an email with thx instead of thanks?

Yuzuha, visibly upset: Why would you bring that up?!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Sometimes I feel like dying.

Hina: Wha-

Takemichi: And then I remember that I won't be able to see you if I do.

Hina: *blushes*

--------

Mikey: Sometimes I feel like dying.

Koko: Good for you.

Chapter Text

Hanma: And you know what the worst part is?

Chonbo: That you're having to process your pain without vinegar?

Hanma: No.

Hanma: Yeah.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: You guys don't do anything halfway, do you?

Baji: Nope!

Shion: We're two halves of a whole idiot!

Chapter Text

Mikey: Where did you get that bike?

Baji: We found it.

Shinichiro, scowling: I find that answer vague and unconvincing.

Chapter Text

Emma: Baji, I've known you since we were in first grade-

Baji: You don't know me. I'm unknowable.

Chapter Text

Rindou: It’s almost time to switch from our regular weapons to our holiday weapons!

Mochi: Is there a difference?

Sanzu: Yes. The holiday ones light up!

Chapter Text

Kisaki: I'm too young to die!

Shinichiro: I'm not, but I still don't want to!

Chapter Text

Mikey: A guy said I only have 4 days to live.

Emma: You're sick?!?!

Mikey: No, he just doesn't like me.

Izana, shouting: I'll fuck you up on Tuesday!

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: If you found out you only had one day left to live, what would you do with it?

Hakkai: Say goodbye and mend my relationships.

Peh-yan: Something illegal.

Angry: Accept my fate.

Sanzu: I would message ten people saying that if they didn't forward the message to 10 other people, I would die tomorrow.

Mitsuya: What?

Peh-yan: That's fucking awesome. Can I change my answer?

Chapter Text

South: Oh, to be a little goose and wreak absolute havoc.

Dino: You can wreak absolute havoc as a person, too, if you're rowdy enough.

South: But as a goose, I would never feel remorse.

Chapter Text

Sanzu, about Angry: This one's different. He's honest, and sweet, and he wouldn't do anything to hurt me.

Mucho: HE'S A SMILEY'S BROTHER!!

Chapter Text

Hanma, seeing a banana on the car seat: What the FUCK??
Hanma, buckling the banana up: Fucking buckle UP, it’s the LAW!

Chapter Text

Mikey: I’m sorry, I really flew off the handle back there. It was like the handle was a bald guy going really fast, and I was his toupée.

Chapter Text

Izana: Just took a personality test and got an A+.

Chapter Text

Baji, holding up their class notes: And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like “Chipotle”.
Baji, in shock: Wait a minute, is it “Chip-o-tottle”?

Chapter Text

Makoto: Firstly, how dare you use mathematics to make me look stupid!
Makoto: I’m actually very good at mathematics.
Makoto: Thirdly, I think you might be right.

Chapter Text

Senju, explaining why they are not allowed to cook: I put the noodles in the pot and put the pot on the stove and turned the burner on high. Turns out you don't put noodles in marijuana and I almost burnt the whole house down.

Chapter Text

Cop: You ran a red light.
Shinichiro: So did you, hypocrite.
Cop: I was following you.
Shinichiro: That was dumb, I'm a terrible driver.
Cop: Get out.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.

Chapter Text

Mikey, to Kisaki: You were wise to seek help from the world's most deadly weapon.
Mikey: It's me.

Chapter Text

Emma: Helpful grammar tip, please.

Koko: “Farther” is for physical distance.

Kakuchou: “Further” is for methaphorical distance.

Kazutora: And “father” is for emotional distance!

Chapter Text

Gang Parents: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

Chapter Text

Luna: Don't ask me what I'm talking about. I don't know, okay? I'm just the vessel. The message has been gifted. I've moved on.

Chapter Text

Mikey: The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.

Chapter Text

*the TV is freaking out*
South: Don’t worry, you have to treat an electronic like you treat a patient on life support.
*unplugs the TV, then plugs it back in again. nothing changes*
South: Yeah, that didn’t work with my grandma either.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don’t set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It’s risky and I like it.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Alcohol is delicious! ...I mean, MAlicious. Sorry guys, I’m really drunk right now.

Chapter Text

Kisaki, as a child, reading their school assignment out loud: I love my library because...
Kisaki, mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you.

Chapter Text

Draken: Hey Emma, what are your favorite flowers?
Emma: Peonies, why?
Draken:
Emma: Were you going to get me flowers?
Draken:
Emma:
Draken: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

Chapter Text

Mikey and Kazutora: *Making out in Mikey's room*

Emma: *Walks in*

Emma: ...so whatcha doin'?

Kazutora: Uhhh...kissing?

Emma: *starts tearing up*

Mikey: Not again...

Emma, sitting between the two: *SOB* DO YOU THINK *SOB* THAT DRAKEN *SOB* WILL EVER *SOB* CONFESS TO ME?!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, to Takeomi: We had a date!
Shinichiro: *aggressively points to Hello Kitty Coloring Book*

Chapter Text

Hanma, on the phone: So no head?
Hanma: *Throws phone and breaks skateboard*

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I’ve never asked someone out. How do you even do it?
Baji: Oh, what I do is, I look them up and down and I say: “Hey… how you doin’?”
Emma, scoffing: Oh, please.
Kazutora, to Emma: Hey, how you doin’?
Emma:
Emma: *giggles and blushes*

Chapter Text

Draken: Where are you going?
Emma: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!
Draken: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!
Mikey, knowing full well that Draken got Emma an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*

Chapter Text

*playing twister*
Taiju: Right hand red.
Koko: *ends up on top of Inui*
Inui: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Taiju: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

Chapter Text

Baji: Hi, sorry I’m late. I was doing a couple of things and got distracted.
Sanzu: I’m “a couple of things”.
Koko: I’m “got distracted”.

Chapter Text

Ran: Sanzu and I got married!!
South: Don't share your personal problems with everyone.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Ooh, somebody has a crush
Hanma: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Draken I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them.
*Later that night*
Hanma, very much awake: Uh oh.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!
Draken: Apparently, we're not.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You believe me?
Hina: Takemichi, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Chapter Text

Mana: I am an expert at identifying birds.
Naoto: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?
Mana: Yeah, they're all birds.

Chapter Text

Draken: Is Shinichiro always like this when he lose?
Akane: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2005.
Shinichiro: You bumped that table and you know it!

Chapter Text

Smiley, holding in their laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing?
Mucho: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language.
Smiley:
Smiley: Water you doing?

Chapter Text

Benkei: Look Waka, I'm not slut shamming you but...
Benkei: Actually yeah, I'm TOTALLY slut shamming you.

Chapter Text

Ran: Hey, let’s mess with Sanzu, guys!
Koko: Hey, Sanzu, your momma so fat-
Sanzu: My mom committed multiple war crimes and is now locked in solitary confinement in a Bolivian prison.
Mikey: Well, uh- your dad-
Sanzu: My father left when I was two to be captured and consequentially sacrificed by a group of feral ferrets.
Koko: The fuck-
Rindou: Well then...
Ran: Stop, Rindou!
Rindou: Your grandparents so-
Sanzu: My grandmother floated into the sky like a balloon with too much helium when my grandfather spontaneously combusted.
Sanzu: You cannot best me, mortals.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I found a note in one of my old word .docs that said Note to self: Get revenge on Mikey.
Takemichi: Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to get revenge for.
Takemichi: But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it.
Mikey: Hmm... I don't know what you were supposed to get revenge for, either.
Takemichi: I can only assume you got what was coming to you. Not 100 percent sure, though.
Mikey: Well, whatever I did, I guess I deserved it.
Takemichi: Let that possibly be a lesson to you.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Happy Scorpio season. If you have to burn a bridge, do it safely!
Senju: With NAPALM.

Chapter Text

Baji's Mom: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.
Baji: But what if something else happens just this one time.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Drink your school, stay in sleep, keep away from water and get 8 hours of drugs.

Chapter Text

Hanma: I’m here for the cult stuff.
Hina: How did you find us?
Hanma: I saw your ad on craigslist.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I think my guardian angel drinks.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Okay happy campers! If you were a fruit what would you be and why?
Takemichi: I'd be a tomato because no one accepts me as part of the group.
Shinichiro: ...
Takemichi: ...
Shinichiro: OKAY HAPPY CAMPERS-

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Senju, what do you value about Chifuyu?
Senju: They’re thoughtful. They pick flowers and bring them to me. Often they’re ones I’ve just planted, but...
Chifuyu: That’s how I know they’re fresh!

Chapter Text

Rindou: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.
Rindou: Violently practices.
Koko: Violently studies.
Mikey: Violently sleeps.
Ran: Violently shoots pictures.
Mochi: Violently boxes.
Sanzu: Violently murders people.
Kakuchou: Violently worries about the previous statement.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *watching their house burn down*
Sanzu:
Sanzu: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing.
Kazutora: But ya' didn't!

Chapter Text

Draken to Takuya: First rule of battle, little one... don’t ever let them know where you are.
Mikey, shooting out of frame: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo!
Draken: 'Course, there’re other schools of thought.

Chapter Text

Ran: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.
South: ...what happened?
Ran: I made a VERY bad mistake.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be like... a lawyer to you. Ok?
Pah-chin: Okay.
*later*
Draken: Pah-chin! Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble.
Kazutora, whispering: Deny everything.
Pah-chin, loudly: That isn't a chair.

Chapter Text

Emma: I have a problem.
Hanma: Kill it.
Emma: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

Chapter Text

Ran: We woke up and chose VIOLENCE. WE WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! WE ARE ANGRY-
Wakasa: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~
Rindou: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF US! TREMBLE BEFORE OUR WRATH-
Benkei, recording: This is so cute.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Would you like something to drink? *they open the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-
Hanma: Spiders?
Sanzu: Spiders it is then.
Hanma: No, that wasn’t-
*but they were already pouring them a brimming glass of spiders*

Chapter Text

Benkei: How would you like your coffee?
South: As dark and as bitter as my soul.
Benkei, shouting to someone behind the counter: I need one vanilla latte with extra cream and sugar!

Chapter Text

Akane: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.
Inui: And I need you to be less vague and weird.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been warmer than it was last week.
Koko: Why does it seem like every time you talk to us, you end up talking about the weather? Is your life so unimaginably dull that you can't think of any events in your life to describe that might be more interesting than the weather? Let's think of something for you to talk about other than the weather. I mean, we barely even know anything about you, other than where you live.
Koko: Let's start there. What do you do for a living?
Takeomi: I'm a meteorologist.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Love makes people do stupid things.
Baji: I love everything!
Sanzu: That explains a lot.

Chapter Text

Choji: The ‘how the fucks’ and 'why are you so dumbs’ don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun.

Chapter Text

South: I think we can all agree I’m the ten amongst these threes.

Chapter Text

Hanma: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.
Emma:
Emma: I like you.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?
Senju: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

Chapter Text

Rindou: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right?
Sanzu: Nope, there's 26.
Rindou: Ah, I must have forgotten U, R, A, Q, T.
Sanzu: Aww, that's cute, but you're still missing one.
Rindou: You'll get the D later ;).

Chapter Text

Kisaki: What's the worst thing you guys have done?
Shinichiro: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.
Baji: I kicked Emma in the shin-
Emma: -So I kicked Baji between the legs.
Izana: I burned a town down.
Kisaki: What?!
Emma: What the hell is wrong with you?!?
Izana: A lot of things.
Baji: No shit.

Chapter Text

Kazutora, trying to comfort Takemichi: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: New challenge! Don't say stupid shit for 24 hours!

Chapter Text

Yamagishi, excitedly: Heeyy!!
Makoto: Hey, someone's excited.
Akkun, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

Chapter Text

Baji on Monday: *glues a dime to the sidewalk* Heh heh heh.
Baji on Wednesday: *walking down the street* Ooh hey! A dime!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Everything will be ok. You can not stop it.
Takemichi: Everything will be fine. You have no choice.
Takeomi: What the fuck kind of pep talk is that?
Takemichi: Ominous positivity.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Is it just me or is instant ramen even better uncooked?
Akane: It’s just you.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Please could you go to the shop and get a carton of milk, if they have avacodos get six.
Senju, coming back from the store with six cartons of milk: They had avacados!

Chapter Text

Naoto: Here are two pictures. one of them is your room, and the other is the garbage dump.
Takemichi: *points at a picture* That one is the dump.
Naoto: tHEY'RE BOTH YOUR ROOM!

Chapter Text

Random Person: Hi-
Mikey: Leave before there's a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your ass.

Chapter Text

Smiley: What makes you all smile?
Mitsuya: Friends and Family.
Mikey: Snacks.
Baji: Victory and success.
Mucho: Face muscles.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges.

Chapter Text

Chonbo: I can never give Hanma shit because I’m jealous of them. They look at their life and say, “Sweet! This is perfect!”
Chonbo: I look at my life and say, “Welp. Time to get drunk.”

Chapter Text

Mochi: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world.
South: Unless you're home alone.

Chapter Text

Kiyomasa: Wanna get out of here and grab a bite to eat.
Masaru: I don’t usually eat with losers.
Kiyomasa: Neither do I but I asked you, didn’t I?

Chapter Text

Shion: If you water water, it grows.
Izana: ...What.
Kisaki: They've got a point.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I just had a long talk with Izana and Mikey about hitting and now they are yelling “it’s my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other.

Chapter Text

Chome, looking at a selfie of Hanma’s: I hate this photo.
Hanma: I’m cute as fuck in that photo! I’m smiling kindly.
Chonbo: You’re not smiling kindly; you look like you’re up to something.
Hanma: Up to kindness.

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: What are you drinking?
Shion: Vodka.
Peh-yan: Straight?
Shion: No, gay. Why?

Chapter Text

Hina: Are you having another depressive episode?
Takemichi: A depressive episode?
Takemichi: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: Without ugly, there would be no beauty in this world.
Smiley: Thank you for your sacrifice, Baji.

Chapter Text

Shion: You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time.

Chapter Text

Rindou: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.
Koko: ...We're on the ground floor.
Rindou: I know but I want a dramatic exit.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Hey, what’s the name of the guy who lives down the hall?
Baji: His cats' names are Snow and Peppermint.
Kazutora: That's not what I asked.
Baji: That is all the information I have.

Chapter Text

Someone: We have your daughter!
Taiju: I don't have a daughter?
Someone: Brown haired? Black school uniform? Keeps glaring at us?
Taiju: Oh, Yuzuha.
Taiju: Yeah, you don't have her. She has you. Good luck.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: People always shoot down my ideas and I’m sick of it. Two sentences in and everyone’s already shouting “what the heck that’s illegal!” and “you can’t do that!” Let me talk, dear god.

Chapter Text

South: You startled me, punk.
Shion: Most people flinch when startled, but you get ready to punch.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Koko took the wheels off my heelies and I feel like Lucifer being stripped of his wings.

Mikey: Now I have to walk into executive meetings like a common wench and I am LIVID.

Chapter Text

Baji, pulling a whiteboard out of thin air: I will now give you a crash course on the ABC's of Pranking!

Angry: You spelled “ABC's” wrong.

Baji:

Baji: A crash course on the ACB's of Pranking!

Chapter Text

Baji: If the moon is made of cheese and Saturn is 6, how many pancakes could you eat on Mars?

Kisaki: Yellow.

Emma: The correct answer is packing peanuts.

Izana: Oh, I see because you carry the two and-

Akane: what is wRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???

Chapter Text

Kazutora: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it’s cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.
Peh-yan: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.
Naoto: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?
Mana: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese?

Chapter Text

Rindou, smirking: Hey Sanzu~ what's something you wouldn't want Mikey to find in your dorm?
Sanzu: My candy stash

Chapter Text

Draken: Am I the only straight person in this group?
Pah-chin: I've seen the way you look at Mitsuya. You're not that straight.

Chapter Text

Senju: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like ‘look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.’

Sanzu: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I'm very upset, full of angst and I hate myself. Nothing can make me feel okay right now.

Hina:

Takemichi: No!

Hina:

Hina: *drags Kazutora into the hospital room*

Takemichi: *smiling* Goddammit

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You know how you worry about me?

Hina: Yes?

Takemichi: Well, now you have reason to.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I hate being mean. If I could solve everything kindly and peacefully I would do it in a heartbeat. Hurting another person should always be the last resort.
Mikey: Hina upsets me.
Sanzu: Kill her.

Chapter Text

Naoto: What do we say when someone mistreats us?
Takemichi: You’re toxic.
Naoto: Yes!
Takemichi: I’m slipping under~
Naoto: No-

Chapter Text

Shion: so you get my point?
Izana: Shion, understand that I will not let you go on the roof, jump off and see if you'd land on your feet since you've been a cat for a while.
Shion: but-
Izana: Because it will make me look bad...*whispered* and I sorta care about you
Shion: What was that?

Chapter Text

Mochi: Have you seem Sanzu?
Takeomi: No. It wasn't my turn to babysit him.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour. Turns out it was just me and Baji meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.

Chapter Text

Draken: Today I found out that after 2 years of marriage, Emma still has me in her phone as "Fucking oblivious asshole just love me"
Mikey: Makes sense. I think she still has Kazutora saved as "Brother-in-law who deserves better than Mikey"

Chapter Text

Kazutora, picking up TakeHina's kid who has drawn all over the walls: What has gotten into you lately, sweetheart?

Hina: She is an overachiever. She started her terrible twos at one and a half.

Chapter Text

Hanma, looking at Kisaki: Oh to be wearing each other’s initials on heart shaped necklaces.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I just want to say from the bottom of my heart I didn't sign up for this shit

Chapter Text

Hina: I'm a nice person, but I'm about to start throwing rocks at people.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: We need your help.

Koko: Which kind? The ‘Yes Officer, They Were With Me All Night’ kind, or the ‘Make Sure You Bring Gloves And A Shovel’ kind?

Mikey: Actually we were looking for something more along the lines of the ‘You Bring The Accelerant, we’ll Bring The Matches’ kind.

Koko: Oooh~ Been a while since you’ve needed that kind of help. Good thing I’m always prepared!

Chapter Text

Makoto: You know how when you boil Pepsi and it really opens up a different kind of flavor?
Akkun:
Akkun: When you fucking what?

Chapter Text

Hanma, looking at map: It really is a featureless, barren wasteland out there, isn’t it?
Izana: Other side, Hanma.

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: Shion has a good heart.
Pah-chin: Yes, I’ve noticed you staring at his good heart.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: *having a breakdown*
Sanzu: Hmm. I never thought I'd have to say this.
Sanzu: But there is only space in this family for ONE unstable family member.
Sanzu: And I've held that title for a very long time so you are going to have to get it together.

Chapter Text

*at the store*
Izana: Okay, mission number two: finding where the popcorn is.
Shinichiro: Wait, what was mission number one?
Izana: Fucking getting here, you idiot.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Takemichi, we're sorry.
Takemichi: I'm starting to think 'Takemichi, we're sorry' is my actual name. Because of how often you all say it to me.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Do you think Sanzu likes me?
Emma: Likes you as a friend or likes you as in this is going to be the longest conversation of my life?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: There are three ways to resolve conflict.
Mucho: Gun
Sanzu: Knife
Koko: Blackmail
Takemichi: Why the fuck do I even bother?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I’m not an assassin! Some of my best friends are alive!

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Six years ago, we lost our dear older brother Takeomi.
Takeomi: *in the same room*
Senju: Sometimes I can still hear his voice.

Chapter Text

Ran: It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the huge amount of enemies you made along the way.
Naoto: You’re going to jail.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I'm a criminal. Do I look like I have time for that shit?

Wakasa: Yes.

Sanzu: I do not.

Benkei: *taking off a list from his jacket* That's okay. I collected a list of people who have a crush on you and do not mind your job.....even if I'm surprised that everyone in this room, except me Waka and of course Omi, is on it.

Sanzu:

Sanzu: *flustered, confused and disbelieving* What?

Mochi: Look at the hour! I need to go water by gun!

Koko: Your right! I have a meeting with embarrassment and my bed in a minute!

Ran: Would you look at it? I still have to go visit my grandma!

Mikey: Did you hear that? It seems like Kenchin is calling for me!

Rindou: I suddenly remembered that I have a therapy session with me, myself and I right now.

Kakuchou: I think I forgot to give food to my dog. Bye!

*they all leave the room running*

Takeomi: *with a raised eyebrow* D they expect us to believe them with that horrible excuses?

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I scare people a lot, because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms, so when they turn around, I'm just kind of there.
Sanzu: Their fear fuels me.
Mucho, being startled for the fifth time that day: Can you not?!

Chapter Text

Akane: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help.
Takeomi: I went to the park today.
Akane: There you go! I hope you got something from that.
Takeomi, opening his coat: This duck.

Chapter Text

Emma: I'm babysitting my nephew today and as Mikey was leaving, he said, "Be good today" and the kid responded by saying "Dad, I will punch you in the leg."

Chapter Text

*Mikey and Sanzu being lovey dovey*

Baji: Really guys? In front of my salad?

Chapter Text

Emma: We call that a traumatic event
Emma, turning to Shinichiro: Not a “bro moment”
Emma, turning to Izana: Not a “major L”
Emma, turning to Mikey: And not an “oof lmao”

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I'm fine, guys.
Inui: You're fine? That's good. I'm gonna put that on your tombstone. 'He said he was fine. He was wrong.'

Chapter Text

Mikey: *does something stupid*
Takemichi: What an absolute fucking idiot!
Takemichi: I can't believe I'd die for them!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, looking at Hanma: Can I shoot him?
Kisaki: Not in public.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, over text: Turn around

Shinichiro: No the other way

Shinichiro: Wrong way again

Takeomi: Where are you?!

Shinichiro: At home, but the idea of you turning aimlessly in circles amuses me

Chapter Text

Draken: Things are going to be difficult. But you… are going to be difficulter.
Mikey: That's the spirit! Be a problem to your problems! Mark your territory!

Chapter Text

Mucho: I'm straight now.

Smiley: Are you telling me I'm a fucking woman?

Mucho: NO????????

Smiley: Are you a woman!?

Chapter Text

Inui: What are you doing?
Takemichi: My best.

Chapter Text

Inui: Did you know that Gatorade and rum go really well together?

Yuzuha: Are you doing depressed alchemy again?

Inui: Maybe…

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Sorry it took me so long. I broke down on the way here.

Draken: Don't worry. Is your car okay?

Takemichi: Car?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: There is only one thing worse than dying.

Takemichi: *tears off paper above “dying” so now the board says "Mikey dying"*

Mikey, nodding: Me.

Takemichi: nO-

Chapter Text

Baji: Was... Was your parents divorce, uh, hard?

Kazutora: I mean, yeah, but mom bought me heely’s after so I recovered quickly

Chapter Text

Senju: At Braham, we’re a family. Families talk about things.

Takemichi: No! Families ignore things until they go away.

Chapter Text

Hina: How did you two get together?
Kazutora: Well, we hated each other and fought everyday. Since we had the same group of friends avoiding the other wasn't a good option
Mikey: Those Friends then had this 'amazing' idea to get us to get along.
Hina: What was that?
Mikey and Kazutora: Handcuffs.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I've never been so insulted in all my life!

Akane: Come now, with hair like that? You must have been!

Chapter Text

Hina: ...Are you okay? You seem distant and distraught.

Senju: I ran out of oreos

Chapter Text

Koko: People don't tend to think poetry is about them because people don't associate themselves with pretty language.

Ran: That's gay.

Rindou: That's the gayest thing you have ever said.

Chapter Text

Akane: Practice makes perfect.
Wakasa: And yet, waking up never gets any easier.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Hey smile for me you always look down in the dumps
Sanzu: Okay. *smiles* Like this ? 
Mochi: *voiced cracks* Yeah exactly like that
Sanzu: Hey, why are you blushing?
Mochi: No reason at all *tries to hide face*

Chapter Text

Koko: Wow, your family is shit. You should get a new one
Sanzu: Yeah, well, that's impossible
Koko: Not really
Koko: You could always start one with me

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *kisses Rindou*

Rindou: Why?

Sanzu: Ran’s looking, smile.

Rindou: So you’re trying to make him jealous?

Sanzu: Yes.

Rindou: Alright, sounds like fun.

Chapter Text

Draken: You enjoy telling me what to do.
Mikey: Only because you are so good at following orders.
Draken: Don't press your luck.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, stuck on a puzzle: Hang on. I got this...

Draken: You know, you can’t spell “independent” without “dependent.”

Takemichi: And you can’t spell “go fuck yourself” without “fuck you.”

Chapter Text

10 year old Sanzu holding a 5 year old Senju: Mama, I accidently bonked Sen's head. It wasn't very hard, and she's not acting any different, I'm just worried-
Akashi's Mother: Don't worry. Takeomi used to get hit in the head loads when they were younger, and they're fine!
Sanzu: Oh okay
Sanzu, whispering to Senju: We are going to take you to a doctor, don't worry

Chapter Text

Takemichi: No. We're not going to die today.
Takemichi, pointing at Sanzu: You're not going to die today.
Takemichi, pointing at the Koko: And you're not going to die today.
Takemichi, pointing at Mucho: And you...
Takemichi: You might already be dead.

Chapter Text

Inui: Exercise is so important for a healthy lifestyle. That's why I do yoga daily.
Inui: *lays face down on the floor*
Akane: You can't just do the "corpse" pose for an hour.
Inui: Watch me.

Chapter Text

Mikey: You didn’t really have a crush on me, did you?
Baji: I think I did at one point, when we first met, but we became such good friends that I was kind of suppressed it in favor of that relationship.
Mikey: Okay. Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Baji: What?

Chapter Text

Cop: *hands Hanma a photo* Mr Hanma can you identify that this man is your partner Kisaki Tetta?
Hanma: Yes
Cop: Sir it looks like your partner was hit by a truck
Hanma: It’s not about his looks, officer

Chapter Text

Emma: CLEAN YOUR ROOM
Takemichi, scooping up sand while sobbing: IM TRYING

Chapter Text

Hanma: Gays rights means being gay and right
Chonbo: You threw that kid off a balcony
Hanma: He lived didn’t he? See power of gay rights

Chapter Text

South: When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *holding an ice bag on his eye*

Takuya: Sorry, Takemichi. I'm so sorry! Take us to the hospital.

Hina: Whoa, whoa! Did you hit him?

Takemichi, laughing: Hit me? Please! This guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun.

Takemichi: He's all like, "Oh, honey. Did that hurt?" And I was like, "Come on! Lemme have it 'ya pansy!"

Chapter Text

Draken: What are you doing?
Inui, closing his Sanzu x reader fanfic: Nothing

Chapter Text

Mikey: The human life is a strained and tense one. I envy the life of a smooth rock resting on the beach... warmed by the sun... unaware of the trials and tribulations of sentient life...
Koko/Sanzu: Do you need to talk?
Mikey: I wish I was a croissant.

Chapter Text

Akkun: Everybody stay close.

Yamagishi: *runs up and hugs Akkun from behind*

Akkun: Not that close.

Yamagishi: Sorry.

Chapter Text

Ran: *cuts Mochi’s hair too short* Please don’t kill me.

Mochi: I’m giving you two seconds to run.

Ran: I SAID DON’T KILL ME! I SAID PLEASE!

Mochi: Two seconds are up, you’re losing your braids.

Ran, running: NOOOOOO!

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Say something smart, Sanzu

Sanzu: There is a 1 in 5.2⁶¹ chance that if you were to slap a table all the molecules in the table and in your hand will miss each other and your hand will pass through the table

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Alright guys plan a failed we need a plan b.
Sanzu: How about we-
Koko: No.
Sanzu: What? why?
Kakuchou: Because every plan you come up with either includes death or explosives.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: The future’s hopes rest upon your shoulders.
Hina: We would rather not see them crushed.
Takemichi: The future’s hopes or my shoulders?

Chapter Text

Baji: How dumb do they think we are?
Shion: Sometimes South leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Can you believe some people can see Kazutora and not immediately be filled with absolute unconditional love for him?

Benkei: They don’t even get the urge to hug him right then and there. That’s incomprehensible to me.

Draken: Fucking monsters.

Mucho: *nodding in agreement*

Chapter Text

Mikey, writing a paper for school: In this essay, I won’t…

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *laughs*

Mikey, Koko & Mochi:

Mikey: He laughed!

Koko: He did!

Mochi: Admit it! You laughed!

Chapter Text

South: I don't have "delusions of grandeur".
South: I AM grand and powerful and very, very sexy and you all just have to accept that.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: If you don’t kiss your cat on their tiny, soft li’l forehead, what the hell are you even doing?

Emma, lifting Kenken by the armpits: Yelling at him for trying to eat plastic.

Chapter Text

Izana, Mikey, Takemichi and Kazutora: I am smiling on the outside, but on the inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs.

Chapter Text

Little Mikey: Hey, Papa? Why's the sky look like that?

Shinichiro: Oh, that's a rainbow. They show up every so often. Plus, they've become a symbol of people who are proud of who they are.

Little Mikey: I'm pwoud of myself! Can I have one?

Shinichiro:

Shinichiro: Yeah, sure.

Little Mikey: Yay!

*several years later, in present day*

Mikey:

Mikey: So, anyway, that was a sign.

Chapter Text

Hanma, calling a gang meeting: We are here to learn to treat each other with respect and dignity.
Everyone else: *starts mumbling to each other*
Hanma: SO SHUT UP AND LISTEN!

Chapter Text

Random cat: Meow.
Baji: You sly bastard, I would have never thought of that.
Chome: I'm sorry, can he actually speak cat or is he just messing with us?
Kazutora: Knowing Baji...it may very well be both.

Chapter Text

Emma: Happy birthday, Hina. Here's Senju's birthday gift for you.

Hina, impressed: That's quite the big box...

Senju: *quietly giggling inside the box*

Hina, unimpressed: She’s inside it, isn’t she?

Emma, sighing: Yes...

Chapter Text

Mikey: Hey, I got us friendship bracelets.
Takemichi: Nice! Put it on me.
Mikey: *handcuffs himself to Takemichi*

Chapter Text

Mana: Our table is broken
Luna: How?
Mana: I broke it
Luna: How???
Mana: Well first I aks8hcskwnrnehsixjakqmnwsnxjxksmwm wnedmdkdkm, and then I wksjwmwmapqpazlzmxkkdemwmakwoks And finally I smqosjsmskwqkzzmnskwwmmwwnsj
Naoto: Damn so that’s how

Chapter Text

*Mikey and Kazutora are fighting again*

Baji, separating them: You both need to calm down!

Kazutora: Then tell him to play with my dick, not with my feelings.

Mikey: Tell that bastard to get on my dick, not on my nerves.

Baji:

Baji: ARE YOU TWO EVEN FIGHTING?

Chapter Text

Senju: I've never been on a Girls' Night Out before... Was that last bit supposed to happen?
Emma: Which bit was that?
Senju: The bit where the bed was set on fire.
Yuzuha: Not usually.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Truth or dare?
Hakkai: Dare.
Sanzu: Order me a pizza.
Mikey: I HAVE BEEN BLIND TO THE POSSIBILITIES!

Chapter Text

Mochi: …Eight, nine, and ten! You’re done! Sixty second break!
Shion: Man, it’s gonna take forever to look as buff as you!
Mochi: Building muscle takes time, bro! But as your friend, I can tell you’ve built up your most important muscle.
Shion: What’s that?
Mochi: Your heart.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Where's Mikey?
Takeomi: He went out.
Kakuchou: He's grounded.
Takeomi: Are they not supposed to be let out when they're grounded?

Chapter Text

Draken: Are you a cuddler?

Naoto: I AM THE HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF ORDER AND JUSTICE.

Naoto:

Naoto: Also, yes, I’m a cuddler.

Chapter Text

Koko: What is the hardest word to say?

Shion: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Koko: No, it’s “sorry.”

Shion: …Do you know how long I practiced that?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: You don’t get out much, do you?
Takemichi: Hina’s a bit over-protective. She trains me to be ready for anything, but then she says I’ve got everything I need in here.
Takemichi: But one day, I’m going to see the world. I’m going to be an explorer! I’m gonna eat a hamburger.
Mitsuya: We can bring you a hamburger.
Takemichi: You really are my friends. . .

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Yes, I make a lot of bad decisions that put me in a lot of danger
Hakkai: And?
Takemichi: No, that's it

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *rushes in holding an armful of water bottles*
Mitsuya: Uh, what's going on??
Kazutora: Baji wouldn't drink water
Mitsuya: And?
Kazutora:... I asked him how fast he could chug an entire bottle
Baji, from several rooms over: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES!

Chapter Text

South: Maybe it’s time that I stop being so angry.

Rindou: But what would you do with all that free time?

Chapter Text

Angry, dead tired: *at the Rindou's casino, trying to win a bear in a claw game at  two in the morning*

Rindou, who was about to go to bed: Are you trying to break my arcade machines?

Angry: Had a nightmare. Need a cuddle buddy. Need fluffy friend to sleep.

Rindou: Fine. *unlocks it to take a bear out for him* One time deal. Now go to bed.

Angry: I love you. *goes to bed*

Rindou: Fuck, I’m in love with a fluffy idiot.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: What are you looking at?

Mucho: *was in the middle of entering his and Sanzu’s name into an online love calculator*

Mucho, panicking: Smut

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Are you stupid?
Sanzu: That depends on my mood.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can’t have food!

Chifuyu: You can eat a rock.

Kisaki: Air.

Kazutora: The fabric of time and space.

Hanma: Chugging a bottle of bleach should be able to solve all of your problems.

Takemichi: Yeah, I’ve reached my conclusion. You guys are not helpful.

Chapter Text

Kazutora, telling Sanzu about how his dad abused him as a child:
Sanzu: I just want to talk to him.
Kazutora: Wait, why do you have a sword?
Sanzu: I just want to talk to him.
Kazutora: Sanzu! No!
Sanzu: I just want to talk to him.
Kazutora: Please put the sword away!
Sanzu: I just want to talk to him. I just want to talk to him.
Kazutora: No! Wait!
Sanzu: I just want to stab him.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Why do I always have to figure everything out?
Takemichi: I'm 16!

Chapter Text

Hanma: Do you wish you were seeing anybody?

Kazutora: Yeah, a therapist.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I waved at a woman because I thought she waved at me.
Shinichiro: Turns out she was waving to someone else. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up, hailed a taxi, and had them drive me to the airport.
Shinichiro: I'm in Philippines now.

Chapter Text

Izana: You know, my mother once told me that good news is just bad news in disguise
Kakuchou: Was this before she pressured you into thinking you were not enough for anyone and you left?
Izana: Yes it was.

Chapter Text

Mochi: I love cheating. If you don’t cheat, what the hell is wrong with you?
Takeomi: Have you ever been cheated on?
Mochi: I forgot some people are in relationships. To clarify, I love to violate academic integrity on exams.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I shouldn’t have called you an idiot.
Hanma: Which time?

Chapter Text

Fanon TR Characters: I could easily fall in love with any of you, that's just how I am built. Don't talk to me ever.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: No Takemichi, you didn't go on a date with Senju yesterday.
Sanzu: It was me.
Takemichi:
Sanzu: These hips do lie, and they lied to you, Takemichi.
Takemichi:
Sanzu: Shakira, Shakira.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: When I die, I want Chifuyu and Mikey to lower me into my grave so that they can let me down one last time

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Do you ever look at girls and be like 'How the fuck are they so pretty?'.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I think I should allow myself to be a little of a whore, as a treat.

Chapter Text

Chonbo: Fuck this! I'm getting drunk!

Chapter Text

Emma, watching Takuya and Takemichi feeding each other: I'm starting to think some of you guys are gay.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Didn't we die?

Draken: That was two weeks ago, Fuyu. Things change.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: There is a special place reserved in hell just for me.

Kisaki: It's called the throne.

Chapter Text

*the gang is planning a birthday party for Akkun*

Takemichi: Guys, shh! Akkun is coming!

Makoto: Yamagishi, quick, start talking about nerd stuff!

Yamagishi: You know, nerd culture has become progressively more mainstream now, so when you use the word ‘nerd’ derogatorily, it means that you’re the one out of the zeitgeist.

Takuya: Perfect! Just like that!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Punch me in the face,

Hina: Punch you?

Takemichi: Yes, punch me in the face. Didn’t you hear me?

Hina: I always hear “punch me in the face” when you’re speaking, but it’s usually subtext.

Chapter Text

Takuya: Hopeless is when the earth falls on the lid of the coffin. The rest can be fixed.
Emma: I'm afraid in my family even this statement cannot be considered true

Chapter Text

Mikey: I just found my great-grandmother's picnic basket in the attic, she's probably from the 1920s, and I thought...
Hina: Are you inviting me to a picnic?
Mikey: It depends on what you answer. If you answer yes, then yes. But if you want to refuse - then I’m just telling you about the picnic basket that belonged to my great-grandmother.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Why is Kakuchou stumbling around like an idiot?
Koko: Oh, this thing happened and it kinda fried his brain.
Mikey: What thing?
Takeomi: Sanzu and Kazutora smiled at him.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Takemichi, how could you possibly have gotten into this much trouble in one day?
Takemichi: It... It didn't take me the whole day...

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Murder was not on today's agenda

Mucho: It's not on anyone's

Sanzu: No, it's on mine, just not until next thursday

Chapter Text

Mikey: The next person who walks out my life…
Mikey: I’m going with ‘em!
Mikey: I’m sick of my shit, too!

Chapter Text

Naoto: What's your gender?

Luna: A pokemon!

Sanzu: Pisces.

Senju: I simply do not see it.

Shinichiro: A vibe!

Draken: What day is it?

Shion: My what?

Ran: No<3

Kazutora: Everything. All of them.

Yuzuha: She/her.

Wakasa: An enigma.

Baji: Racecar.

Mikey/Takemichi: Trauma!

Izana: Punk.

Emma: Spiritually, I'm a dog.

South: Gender?

Chapter Text

Ran: I wanna be a reverse tooth fairy where I rob people and then scatter human teeth on their bed.
Shion: A dentist.
Kakuchou: I don't know what your dentist is doing to you but I think you need to go to the police.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu's Mom: I am the perfectly capable and responsible adult of the group.
Chifuyu: Can I have a can of frosting for dinner?
Chifuyu's Mom:
Chifuyu's Mom: Sure.

Chapter Text

Luna: I have nothing to do today.
Mana: You can help me clean.
Luna: I can't. I'm busy.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: You can trust me.
Takemichi: I've been in forests less shady than you.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Please don't do anything overly dramatic and stupid.
Shion: You could sooner divert a river from its course than deny my nature.

Chapter Text

Mikey: My back hurts from sleeping for eighteen hours.
Sanzu: For you, that would be considered a work related injury.
Mikey: Shut up.

Chapter Text

Emma: Look if I want to dress like a 1950s housewife while simultaneously preaching the exact opposite of the values they had back then, that is my right, because this dress has pockets and I am filled with empowering rage right now. I invite the government to try me.

Chapter Text

Draken: If someone is flirting with me I need them to literally say "I'm flirting with you" or else I'm just like wow they're nice.

Chapter Text

Bold of you to

Mikey: Assume I have dignity!

Senju: Assume I'm straight.

Baji: Believe I have reached my peak of dumbass.

How dare you

Kisaki: Assume I have dignity!

Yuzuha: Assume I'm straight.

Hanma: Believe I have reached my peak of dumbass.

Please

Takemichi: Assume I have dignity

Draken: Assume I'm straight.

Shinichiro: Believe I have reached my peak dumbass

Chapter Text

Hina: Please marry me.
Takemichi: I will.
Takemichi: But I want to save everyone first. Can you wait for me?
Hina: Even if it takes a hundred years.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I just realized vore day falls on August the 8th. That's 8/8. That's like ate-ate.
Kakuchou: Fun fact: the common believe is that vore day is on 8/8 as a pun of eight/ate, but I've heard that it was actually started by Japanese artists and that the way 8/8 is written in Japanese is a pun on the sound a growling stomach makes. Meaning we have a wonderfully cross cultural shared pun going on.
Ran: That is the coolest.
Mochi: Why is there a vore day?
Sanzu: Happy vore day, everyone.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Now, let's say you haven't eaten for days and you're in desperate need of a sandwich. What do you do?
Mikey: I go to Kenchin's place and have him make me a sandwich.
Mitsuya: Okay, yes. But Draken is not there.
Pah-chin: Where's Draken?
Mitsuya: It's not important where he is. He's gone! He left the country.
Baji: He left the country? Why? Is he okay?
Mitsuya: Yes. He's fine.
Smiley: Well, if he's fine, I don't see why he couldn't make us a sandwich.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Everybody is always like "Hanagaki, how'd you bag a baddie? How'd you bag that baddie bro?"
Takemichi: I didn't bag shit.
Takemichi: Hina picked me up from my neck, and threw me over her shoulder and I've been on ever since.
Takemichi: And I ain't got no plans of getting off anytime soon.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Did kings really just spend all day sitting in a chair?
Mikey: We're still doing it.
Mochi: Damn.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *about to jump into danger*
Kazutora: Wait! *kisses him*
Takemichi: *stunned looking around*
Kisaki: I'm not kissing you!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, to his siblings and friends: I would do anything for you guys, except for running, jogging, or climbing stairs.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I kind of love you Akashi Haruchiyo.
Sanzu: 

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Wow you have very nice looking hands... I bet they would look even better wrapped up in mine...
Yuzuha: Or around my dick
Taiju: Or clasped together in prayer asking God to help you see the error of your ways.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, to Mikey: We're gonna be happy, Mikey. You, me and everyone else.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Trust me, I know what I'm doing!
Koko: Not even God knows what you're doing.

Chapter Text

Akane: Request for you not to be a bitch.
Wakasa: Request denied.

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: Really?

Shinichiro: We are sorry.

Grandpa Sano: I don't care about you getting in fights.

Emma: Eh?

Mikey: Grandpa?

Izana: So why are you disappointed?

Grandpa Sano: What did I tell you when you guys told me you joined or created a gang.

Shinichiro: ...Oh

Izana/Emma/Mikey: If you get in trouble, please do so in a easily accessible environment and make sure to uphold a large time frame the rescue can be executed in

Chapter Text

Baji: Shhh, my mom is calling...Hi, mom!

Hanma: *loud fake sexual noises*

Chome: *is sleeping*

Choji: PASS THE DRUGS, BRO!

Chonbo: Guys, stop! He is trying to talk to his mom!

Emma: *gets close to the phone* Tell her I said hi.

Kazutora: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Baji's Mom:

Baji's Mom: I see you are having fun, Kei. Tell Tora and Emma to visit soon, okay? Have a goodnight, son *ends call*

Baji: You guys are little shits.

Hanma, smirking: It isn't like we ever said the contrary, darling

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Shin!

Shinichiro: Yeah, that’s me.....

Benkei: We thought you were dead!

Shinichiro: Well, you were...gravely mistaken.

Chapter Text

Hanma, peeling a banana: May I take your jacket, sir? Hehehe-
Izana, staring at him: Do you think other people can’t hear you-

Chapter Text

Naoto: Horror is when a fucked up guy looks at you. Comedy is when you look at a fucked up guy.
Kazutora: What if we’re both fucked up and we look at each other?
Naoto: Gay romance.

Chapter Text

Naoto: So… wanna get married?

Takemichi: We aren’t even engaged, much less dating… absolutely.

Naoto: Good, I need the tax benefits.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Back in my day, I could walk into a store with 25 copper and walk out with 6 porterhouse steaks, 2 chickens, a case of beer, 5 bottles of wine, 2 loaves of bread, and a gallon of milk.
Takemi: Can’t do that today. Too many fucking cameras.

Chapter Text

Senju: We need to get you to the hospital, you have sixty-nine open wounds.
Takemichi, actively bleeding to death: Can we get an F in the chat-

Chapter Text

Takemichi: FUCK!

Sanzu: *opens his door* Watch your language! *closes mentioned door*

Takemichi: … HUH???

Chapter Text

Shion: Do birds get sad for not having arms?
Kisaki: Well, do you get sad for not having wings?
Shion, tearing up: Every single day

Chapter Text

Mikey: Get in there and bust up his date. Show him you care. Ruin his night.
Kakuchou: You really have a unique take on love.

Chapter Text

Hina: All fanfiction is funnier and sexier and vastly better-written when you read it at three in the morning, in the dark, lying on your side, tucked into bed, with screen rotate turned off. That's just how it works. That's just facts.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: You.

Mikey: You.

Sanzu: Deserve to.

Mikey: Deserve to.

Sanzu: Be cared for.

Mikey: Be cared for.

Sanzu: You deserve to be cared for.

Mikey: Affection is a manipulation technique.

Chapter Text

Baji, internally: No matter the circumstances, Takemichi is actually very reliable and a hardworking person. I am grateful to have him around.
Takemichi: Hey, could you get me a cup of coffee?
Baji: Absolutely not, perish coward.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *speaking Spanish*
Mikey: I know, I know.
Shion: You speak Spanish?
Mikey: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Tora speaks.

Chapter Text

Shion, T-posing on a table: They YEETED the STONKS and it has left me SHOOK.
Peh-yan, lying on the floor: Ooooh, the tea is SCALDING.
Benkei, crying: What the fuck are either of you saying?!

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: This is my precious familiar, Draken, whom I spent many months creating, they’ve passed all the requirements of the Convocation without fail and are rated perfectly in all their forms.

Baji: I found my familiar, befriended them, and have given them the chance to learn and thrive in an environment that normally doesn’t allow them to. His name is Kazutora.

Mucho: My familiar, Mochi, helps to care for Sanzu and all of its creations because they love to learn and experience life. I love them very much and spoil them regardless of their quality because they’re a person deserving of adoration.

Mikey: This is my familiar who I call Takemitchy, I stole them from Hina.

Hina: Where the fuck is my familiar??

Chapter Text

Benkei, in a loving way: You are a hoe.

Wakasa: Did you just call me a hoe?

Benkei: In a loving way.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Villain apologist? Nah, I don't apologize for anyone. What my lover does on his days off is not my business.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: How did your brother confess to Ran?

Angry: Well...

*remembering what happened*

Smiley: Fuck you, you pretty little shit!

Ran: Fuck me yourself, you ugly cotton cand- *Smiley kisses him*

*gets back to present*

Angry: You don't wanna know

Yuzuha: Eh? Why?

Angry: Just listen me, please

Yuzuha, confused: Okay?

Chapter Text

Draken: You are annoying.

Mikey: But you love me!

Draken: Doesn't make you any less annoying.

Chapter Text

Baji: Shion! Hanma!
Hanma: What is it this time?
Shion: It’s too early for your nonsense…
Baji: Kazutora is getting hit on!
*smash cut to all of them running in the same direction*
Hanma: FORMATION B!

Chapter Text

Izana: Emma just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then she reached down and untied my shoe.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-

Mochi: It was me

Kakuchou: -be forgiven because everybody deserves a second chance

Rindou: If it was me, it’d be dead by now

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I'm amazed that u have not gotten any of your colleagues' idiocy considering your surrounded by them.

Mochi: My eyebrows stop their idiocy from reaching me.

Benkei: I-what???

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Shin! Get off the table!

Shinichiro: Are you talking to the cat or me?

Takeomi: Both.

Chapter Text

Koko: Here you are Draken, a nice hot cup of coffee.
Draken: Oh, it's cold.
Koko: Nice cup of coffee.
Draken: It's horrible!
Koko: Cup of coffee.
Draken: I'm not even sure it is coffee.
Koko: Cup.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Why is your report card on the ceiling?
Senju: You told me to bring my grades up.
Sanzu:
Senju:
Sanzu: I did say that now lemme see-

Chapter Text

South: Where's Shion?
Mochi: Doing stuff.
South: I don't like the sound of that, where's Rindou?
Mochi: Trying to stop Shion from doing the stuff?
South: And Ran?
Mochi: Trying to stop Rindou from stopping Shion from doing the stuff.
South: I see, and what are you doing here?
Mochi: I'm supposed to be stopping you from stopping Ram from stopping Rindou from stopping Shion from doing the stuff.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, to South: You are so tall! What can you see from all the way up there?

South: Everyone's flaws.

Chapter Text

Luna: A child starts crying in public, what do you do?

Shion: I try to make the child laugh!

Mitsuya: Try to play with them to make them calm down.

Kakuchou: Give the kid's parents instructions on how to take care of a not well behaved kid or on how to calm the kid down.

Takemichi: ...I will probably cry with the child.

Izana: Ignore the child.

Hanma, smirking: I'm the reason why the child is crying.

Chapter Text

Wakasa, as a kid: I can't wait till I grow up so I can stay up late EVERY NIGHT!

Wakasa, age 27/37, crawling into bed at 6:30pm: Oh thank god.

Chapter Text

Kidnapper: We have one of your kids, pay us and you will get her back.
Sanzu: Which kid?
Kidnapper, while Senju is staring at him intensely: T-the badass girlboss one who is also your favourite.
Sanzu: She made you say that, right?
Kidnapper, on the verge of crying: Just come and take her back. Please!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I’m not being weird. *whispers* Am I being weird?

Hanma, also whispering: Yes, and that’s coming from me.

Chapter Text

*Senju, sitting in a corner*

Draken: What's up with you?

Senju: I taught Takeomi some modern slang and he won't stop using it.

*Takeomi, throwing salt over his shoulder, locking eyes with Senju*

Takeomi: Yeet?

Senju, tearing up: What have I created?

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: I’m going to start a false crime podcast where I explain crimes that never actually happened.
Mikey: I’m going to do the crimes you explain, forcing you into having a true crime podcast.

Chapter Text

Mana: What do rainbows mean to you?
Kazutora: Gay rights.
Koko: There’s money.
Kakuchou: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.
Kakuchou: And you know gay rights.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Why do I keep you around?
Koko: Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own.

Chapter Text

Inui: I am strong! I beat Shinichiro at arm wrestling!

Akane: Anyone can beat Shinichiro at arm wrestling!

Shinichiro: Hey-

Chapter Text

Koko: I know what you’re up to, Mikey
Mikey: Really? Cause I don’t

Chapter Text

Shion, on the phone: Hello, Yuzuha? My hands are stuck in Pringles tubes. Both hands, yes.

Shion: Look, it’s not important how I dialed the number, just send help.

Chapter Text

Shion: You're fucking weird.
Hanma: And you are adequately self-aware to recognize the hypocrisy of that remark.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I'm an adult! I do grown-up things! Independence! Yeah!

Kazutora, five seconds later, on the phone: Draken, what are taxes?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *sniffles*
Kisaki: Are you okay?
Takemichi: *sniffles again*
Kisaki: *walks away and brings a mug full of chocolate milk and a blanket*
Kisaki: Look Takemichi, whatever it is, it will pass, you should not cry over trivial matters whatsoever they are, so don't stain the name of Toman that we proudly represent together
Takemichi: Uh, I just have a cold
Kisaki:
Kisaki: If anyone finds out what happened in the last few minutes, no one will ever find you again

Chapter Text

Senju: Kakuchou and Sanzu are engaged
Draken:
Wakasa:
Takeomi:
Inui: Too bad I shipped Sanzu with Ran
Benkei: Me too

Chapter Text

Inui: I'm ambidextrous.

Yamagishi: Cool, man love who you love.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: My boyfriend got me just what I needed for Christmas!

Chifuyu: You are not going to be a bitch anymore?

Chapter Text

Mikey: First rule of leadership, everything is your fault.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Hey boys, how’s the bonding going?
Smiley: You’re the worst!
Hanma: You sicken me!
Kazutora: I see.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Wait, are we fighting or flirting right now?
Kazutora: I’ll fucking strangle you.
Wakasa:
Wakasa: You know, that doesn’t really clear things up.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: What should I get at Ihop?

Chome: Pancake combo!

Masaru: Sucked dry.

Kisaki: Killed.

Takemichi: Alright.

Chapter Text

*Takemichi leaving the DVD shop after getting the job again*

Takemichi: 'How did you hear about this job?' It is like the hundredth time I fucking go there to get a job.

Takemichi: 'Congratulations! You are hired!' I know, thanks for stating what I have known since the first time I time traveled.

Chapter Text

Ran: When was the last time you fucked someone or got fucked by someone?

Hakkai: Anxiety fucks me everyday.

Chapter Text

Naoto: The next cup of coffee will fix me and this mess.

*five minutes later*

Naoto: It made things worse.

Chapter Text

Mikey: If you can't handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Chapter Text

Past Takemichi: Give yourself permission not to be accessible at all times. Ignore that voicemail. Leave that message on read. Turn off your phone. Don't answer emails. Destroy your SIM card. Burn your house down. Disappear under mysterious circumstances.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Why are you problematic?

Hanma: Just for fun!

Chapter Text

*At the Sano house*
Shinichiro: Maybe we shouldn't have introduced Angry to Emma.
Smiley: I wonder what they're doing in there.
Mikey: Probably planning our demise
*In the kitchen*
Emma: So we just stand here and do nothing?
Angry: Yeah the longer we stand the more they'll think we're scheming and the more afraid they'll be of us
Emma:
Emma: You're my new best friend.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I'm giving up McDonald's for a month.
Mitsuya: Good for you!
Mikey: Sorry, punctuation mistake-
Mikey: I'm giving up, McDonald's for a month.

Chapter Text

Hina: Look, I'm trying not to be mad at Mikey, but sometimes that bitch pushes my buttons!
Chifuyu: Why are you so mad at him?
Hina: Look, I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Chifuyu: It just seems that-
Hina: Do you want to be on my list too? Keep talking!
Hina: Oh, by the way, have you seen my list?
Chifuyu: What does it look like?
Hina: It's a piece of paper with "Mikey" on it.

Chapter Text

Baji: I'm going to ask Sanzu to be my boyfriend
Emma: What if she says no?
Baji: Emma, please. This is me we're talking about
Emma: I know. That's why I brought it up

Chapter Text

Chonbo: Halloween is so stupid. Dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not
Kakuchou: Chonbo, you’re an actor

Chapter Text

Akane: All that I do, from dawn to dusk each day, is bear witness to the wildest ambitions of my closest friends and loved ones, and say to them: Jesus Christ, do you see what you’ve done?

Chapter Text

Hina: 'Greater good?' I’m your fiancé, I’m the greatest good you’re ever gonna get!

Chapter Text

Senju: Glass is called glass because it's made of glass. It's like how orange the fruit is called orange because it's orange. Wait, is it the other way round?
Wakasa: Senju? Exactly how high are you?
Senju: 5 feet and 1 inch.

Chapter Text

Hanma: So we can either do something dumb that could very well get us injured or we can listen to Kazutora and not do the thing,
Shion: Well there’s a clear right answer here.
Baji: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*

Chapter Text

Mochi: What are your goals?

Akane, softly: Go out with you.

Mochi: Gladly, but I meant your fitness goals

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Dick.
Wakasa: I’ve been called worse.
Takeomi: Like what?
Wakasa: Your boyfriend.

Chapter Text

Taiju: I CAN SMASH ANYTHING! BUILDINGS!! MOUNTAINS!!!

Inui: Can you smash my sadness?

Taiju: *raises his hand*

Taiju: *boops Inui on the nose*

Inui:

Inui: ・ᴗ・

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I am 100% capable of controlling my emotions.
Koko: You literally cried yesterday for an hour because Sanzu and Tora smiled at you.
Takemichi, crying: yOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT, KOKO-

Chapter Text

Teacher: I need your mother or father to sign this.

Takemichi: You're gonna have to be specific, I have like 12 of each.

Teacher:

Takemichi: Either I'm collecting them or they're collecting me. Either way depending on what you want signed it could be any of them you need.

Teacher: It's...for an excursion?

Takemichi: Do you know how little that narrows it down?

Teacher: To the Greek exhibition in the natural history museum.

Takemichi: Ah, Benkei or Mitsuya then, gotchya.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou, talking to the team: Since we’re talking physical capabilities, on a scale of 1-10, how flexible are you?

Sanzu: Why do you need to know that?

Kakuchou: To measure how well you can bend out of the way of projectiles.

Rindou: *does the back bend*

Mochi: *does some impossible ballet poses*

Koko: Does it count when Ran bends me ove-

Kakuchou: NO!

Chapter Text

Benkei: You're up early, Takeomi.

Takeomi:

Benkei: You never went to sleep, did you?

Chapter Text

*some teens running by in a mall*
Kakuchou: *internally* Ah, to be young.
Kakuchou:
Kakuchou: I'm only 20 what the fu-

Chapter Text

South: I don't really "do" Christmas. I just throw snowballs at the ice skaters down at the lake.
Draken: That was you?! I almost died!

Chapter Text

Akane: Why are you gay?

Shinichiro: Who says I'm gay?

Wakasa: You are gay.

Chapter Text

Baji: You know, if there is a line up to get into the bathroom, cut in front of everyone. If anybody asks, look back in a panic and yell "diarrhea incoming!!”

Chapter Text

Choji: I mean when someone says “I forbid it”, that’s a good sign it’s worth doing.

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: That's it, I'm cutting the internet
Mikey: NO PLEASE!! I have a family to feed!!
Grandpa Sano: ...What?
Emma: He means his neopets

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Can you turn water into wine

Takemichi: What? I don't?? Think??? So?????

Mikey: Well you also thought you couldn't time travel

Takemichi:

Takemichi: Give me that water bottle

Chapter Text

Takeomi, in a room with Sanzu and Senju: Fuck!

Sanzu: *gasp*

Sanzu: *an even louder gasp as he covers Senju's ears*

Sanzu: *an even LOUDER gasp as he escorts Senju out of the room*

Sanzu: *an EVEN LOUDER gasp as he stares back at Takeomi through the doorway in shock*

Senju, in the adjacent room with Sanzu: Fuck!

Sanzu: *more or less inhales the universe*

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: *pulls into Izana's school to pick him and Kakuchou up but in a pink car, wearing makeup, dress and a tiara*

Izana: *embarrassed*

Shinichiro: *rolls down window* Get in loser, we're going shopping.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: How long have you known how to fight?

Takemichi: What time is it?

Mitsuya: It’s 12:22.

Takemichi: For about a minute ago

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: You know what would be sexy? Eating food off each other.
Shion:
Yuzuha:
Shion: You didn't do the dishes.
Yuzuha: Not a single one.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I saw that one post about how daddy issues make you a people pleaser and tried so hard to veer in the exact opposite direction that I just went full-circle.

Chapter Text

Izana: *trying to sleep* Why are you poking me with a stick?

Mikey: I’m prodding the sheets in order to determine whether or not Emma and Kazutora are in there with you.

Emma: *popping her head out from under the covers* We are!

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Mikey/Takemichi: 'You should never bottle up your emotions', I say kicking seventeen Emotion Bottles™ under the carpet.

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Takemichi: Scared?

Kazutora: Actually, years of trauma and fighting for my life against mental and physical abuse and isolation have pretty much burnt out my adrenaline response to situations like this and left me without the ability to feel normal reactions and emotions.

Takemichi: What?

Kazutora: You wish!

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Draken: Let's play a game. I call it 'Michi or sibs'. I tell you something I've heard Mikey say, and you have to guess whether he said it to his siblings or Takemichi.

Mitsuya: Okay, that's easy.

Draken: First up is 'I would die for you'.

Mitsuya: *under his breath* Fuck

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Takeomi: Please don't make fun of me if I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
Senju, sighing: Yeah, we're cowabunga on this.

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Takemichi: For Christmas I don't want anyone to die anymore.

Kakuchou: Be realistic, Takemichi.

Takemichi: For Christmas I want Mikey, Hina, Senju and Yuzuha to get along.

Kakuchou: ...So how about you give me everyone's number and I make sure no one is planning on dying?

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Hanma: If I saw a ring of mushrooms I would step inside it actually.
Ran: You shouldn't do that, you'll get trapped in the faerie realm!
Hanma: And? If you knew me you'd worry for the fae.

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Izana: This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass.

Hanma: I’ve cultivated that reputation.

Izana: You say that as if you’re proud.

Hanma: You say that as if I shoudln’t be.

Izana: You're inssuferable.

Hanma: Your brother doesn't say that when we're-

*some time later*

Kazutora, holding Izana back: You can't kill him.

Izana, struggling: But he said-

Kazutora: It's not like he was lying, though.

Izana, stops struggling: What?

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Ran, walking to their table with Rindou while ignoring everyone who was fighting: Morning. What’s going on?

Mochi: War.

Mucho: Hell.

Kazutora: I don't know, I just exist here and nothing more.

Chapter Text

Senju: Can you help me wrap these gifts?
Wakasa: Yeah, you are pretty bad at wrapping. Remember that time when Sanzu thought your present to him was a crumpled pile of garbage and he threw it out?
Takeomi: Ah, yeah. That was sad. But the gloves you got him were nice...when he fished them out of the dumpster.
Wakasa: Too bad he didn't have gloves for that.

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Shion: Accents are just mouth fonts
Mucho: Shion, please stop

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Mucho: What's more painful than heartbreak?
Angry: Ear buds with only one side working.

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Senju: Is gravity strawberry or raspberry flavored?
Sanzu: It tastes like Tropical Punch Kool Aid

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Kazutora: *calls Chifuyu* So, Fuyu I found a child and I need help figuring out what to do with it.

Chifuyu: Dude, it's 3am and I'm trying to sleep.

Kazutora: But they have a Kamisama Hajimeshita shirt.

Chifuyu: Birds of a feather stick together! *springs out of bed*

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Mikye, about Hina: I hate her!
Takemichi: Then you may be sending mixed signals by making out with her.

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Mikey/Takemichi/Izana/Kazutora: People be like, 'If all that bad stuff didn’t happen to you, then you wouldn’t be who you are today'.
Mikey/Takemichi/Izana/Kazutora: I don’t want to be who I am today.
Mikey/Takemichi/Izana/Kazutora: I want to be ✨mentally stable✨.

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Baji: *coughs up blood*
Kisaki: Oh no! Don't die, Baji!
Baji: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

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Senju: Ugh, would you look at this. There’s trash everywhere!

Benkei: I’ve told you before, those are people.

Senju: ...like I said-

Takeomi, whispering: You have been hanging out too much with Haruchiyo and Waka.

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Mitsuya: What are you, twelve?
Mikey: Yeah, on a scale of one-to-ten.

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*At the zoo*
Izana: So what are they in for?
Shinichiro: This is isn’t a prison
Emma: So they can leave?
Shinichiro: Well no-
Kazutora: *pointing at a penguin* I bet that one killed somebody

Chapter Text

Takemichi: The doctor said that I was perfectly fine. Except for this massive burn scar. And a broken rib, which was right next to two other broken ribs.

Hina: Did she clear you or not?

Takemichi: She did not. Alright, let's get back to work!

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Angry: Are you sure you aren't dating Senju, Yuzuha and Mikey too beside Hina?
Takemichi: If I am, I definitely wasn't told about it.
Hakkai: To be fair, if any of us were dating someone without realising it, it would be you.

Chapter Text

Mikey: *picking up the phone* Hi who's there?
Draken: *on the other side* Hi, it's your conscience. We don't talk a lot these days.

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Takeomi, Shinichiro and Izana: *chasing kid Sanzu* IMMA GET YOU YA LITTLE BRAT-

Kid Sanzu: *hides behind Wakasa right in front of them*

Takeomi, Shinichiro and Izana: Oh shit. Where’d he go? Wakasa, did you see where that kid went?

Wakasa: Nope.

Takeomi, Shinichiro and Izana: Alright, sounds legit to me. *leave*

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Angry: Wow, you're all dressed up, where you heading?

Smiley: The pet shop.

Angry:

Smiley: I need to make a good impression on the dogs

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Takemichi: I’m over this.

Hina: Over what?

Takemichi: All of it.

Hina: Can you be more specific?

Takemichi: Specifically everything.

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Mikey, tilting Kazutora's chin: I'll make you scream my name.
Sanzu leaning towards Takemichi: I'll make you glad you came.

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Takuya: Why should we be your friends?
Makoto: I'm friendly, I'm loyal, I'm energentic!
Makoto:
Makoto: I just described a dog, didn't I?
Akkun: Yes, and that is why my friend, you're hired.

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Chome: So you're the therapist for everyone?
Takemichi: Yep!
Choji: Who's your therapist then?
Takemichi, holding up a small pebble: I talk to this rock sometimes.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: This is my dad, Mikey.
Takemichi: This is my dad's boyfriend, Sanzu.
Takemichi: This is my dad's boyfriend's boyfriend, Draken.
Takemichi: This is my dad's boyfriend's, boyfriend's girlfriend and also my dad's sister, Emma.

Chapter Text

Koko: On a scale of one to ten, how lonely are you?
Mikey: It stops at ten?

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Kazutora, from the future: *shows up in an MIT shirt*
Pah-chin: Wow, so you went to MIT?
Other Kazutora: Oh no, this is my husband’s.
Kazutora: You’re married?! To who?
Inui, almost immediately: KOKO!
Koko, from the other room: YEAH?
Inui: What school did you just enter?
Koko: MIT, why?
Inui: *turns to their Kazutora* Hmm

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Kakuchou: You're going to need to harness your repressed rage.
Mikey: I don't have any!

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Mikey/Takemichi: Life keeps fucking me, and I can’t remember the safeword.

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*texting*
Mikey: I’m sleepy
Sanzu: Go to bed
Mikey: But I wanna talk to you
Sanzu: Then don’t go to sleep
Mikey: But I’m sleepy
Sanzu: I’m going to throw you

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Mana, practicing ordering chicken: Hi, I'm from room 103, I want to order chicken

Mana, still practicing: Hi, I'm from room 103, I want to order chicken

Mana, to himself: You can do this!

Mana, finally ordering: Hi, I'm chicken-

Mana: *ends call*

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Shinichiro: About a week ago I accidentally slept with Kazutora.
Benkei: Really?
Shinichiro: Yes.
Wakasa: You accidentally slept with Kazutora?
Shinichiro: Yes.
Takeomi: Accidentally.
Shinichiro: Yes.
Akane: I don't understand, did you trip on something?

Chapter Text

Chonbo: It's tough to be the mom friend sometimes, but I love and care about my friends, and-
Choji: Chonbo...Chome and I tried to make ramen in the coffee machine, and now is all broken.
Chonbo:

Chapter Text

Senju: Alright, well, I'm going to go pick up the wedding cake!

Mikey: Sounds great, honey. While you do that I'll go check on the ring bear.

Senju:

Senju: You mean ring-bearer, right?

Mikey:

Senju: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not bringing a wild animal to our wedding.

Chapter Text

Shion: Sanzu if I was the last human in the entire galaxy would you date me then?

Sanzu: If you were the last human I wouldn't exist

Shion:

Shion: Fuck

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Takemichi: Some people are like slinkies.
Kisaki: What?
Takemichi: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Chifuyu:
Chifuyu: Please don't push Hanma down the stairs.
Takemichi, pushing Hanma down the stairs: Too late.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Do you ever look at your life and think, "could it go more worse?"
Mikey: And then
Mikey: It literally does

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Baji: I am not "mean" or "cruel", I just want people to respect my boundaries.

Kazutora: ...Last week, you pushed Hanma off of a flight of stairs.

Baji: Well, if Hanma didn't want to be pushed down a flight of stairs, then maybe he shouldn't have been in my personal space.

Chapter Text

Emma: I think this top is a little too revealing.

Hina: So true busty- I mean breasty- FUCK!

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Mikey: I just love you so much.

Takemichi: Aw, thanks!

Mikey: I wish I could get you pregnant so even if you dump me, you’d still have to keep me around.

Takemichi: What the fuck?!

Chapter Text

Makoto: Why do witches always want to fatten up kids before they eat them? Fat is the worst part of meat.

Yamagishi: Hello, children. Please follow me to my magical... FITNESS ROOM! NO PANSIES ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT! LEAVE YOUR WHINING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE IT'S LEG DAY AND WE'RE ABOUT TO GET RIPPED!!

Takemichi: Because they're always cooking those kids in cauldrons and ovens, which have long cooking times in low heat. If you do that to fatty meat, the fat melts completely and the meat gets really tender and ends up being delicious. If you do it with lean meat, the meat ends up being horrible and small.

Takuya: There's also wisdom in fattening them up on sweets and other carbs. A meatless carb-rich diet makes up for more tender and flavourful meat.

Akkun: You're arguing over the semantics of EATING CHILDREN!!

Chapter Text

Senju: What are the Kantou Manji members doing helping Braham members? Are you checking out the competition?
Koko: It's cute that you think we see you as competition

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Mikey: My mom didn’t raise no quitter!
Mikey: Because she died when I was very young, leaving me to by raised by my weak and extrovert older brother!
Mikey: Who did raise a quitter!

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Chome: Life hack- you don't have to be a wolf to yell sad noises at the moon

Chapter Text

Mikey: Shout out to my parents for making the most perfect kid ever.
Sanzu: Congratulations to Emma.

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Inui: I just figured out my family is planning a surprise party for me. What should I do?

Koko: Surprise them back! Don’t show up.

Chapter Text

*Bonten group chat*
Koko: *gets added to the chat*
Ran: Daddy.
Rindou: Daddy.
Sanzu: Daddy.
Mikey: Stop being loud, I'm napping.
Mikey: Oh, hi Daddy.
Koko: *leaves the chat*

Chapter Text

*Hanma and the 3 Chos are each presented with a locked door*

Chome: *finds the key*

Choji: *picks the lock*

Hanma: *kicks the door down*

Chonbo: *knocks*

Kazutora: *stares at the door and contemplates the live choices that led him there*

Mikey: *sits down, leans against the door and falls asleep*

Chapter Text

Hanma: Rule one of being a Valhalla member: Use whatever tools or tricks that are necessary to stay ahead of your opponent
Choji: Rule two of being a Valhalla member: Never give out free information, that will get you killed
Baji: Rule three of being a Valhalla member: Even though teamwork is important, if you're sure you can handle something, do it
Chome: Got that?
Emma, writing ”gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” on her notes: Yeah yeah for sure

Chapter Text

Mikey and Baji: *snowball fight*
Kazutora and Draken: *builds a snowman shaped like Pah-chin who is posing for them*
Mitsuya: *inside drinking hot cocoa while watching the gang like a proud mom*

Chapter Text

Hanma: 5 comes after 4

Shion: Does it?

Chapter Text

Hanma: I made a cake! It’s not the best though…

Chonbo: Well at least you tried, but never try again <3

Choji: You can chase your dreams, just not this one ;)

Chome: There’s always room for improvement, just not in this room

Chapter Text

Baji: Can you name a single city in Oklahoma?
Shion: Oklahoma City, bitch!

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Mitsuya: Are you saying that Baji's IN trouble, or IS the trouble...?
Takemichi, uneasily: ...kind of both...

Chapter Text

Takemichi: It takes more than just words to hurt me!
Takemichi: Unless they happen to be particularly truthful words strung together in exceptionally observant sentences.

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Hakkai: It's almost time to switch from my regular anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety.

Luna

Mana:

Mitsuya: What does that even mean?

Yuzuha: It's better not to question it.

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Hanma: Me and Hina are starting to get along! The other day, she gave me half her sandwich.
Hina: I mistook him for a trash can.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Did you do the assignment that was due today?

Takeomi: No, did you?

Shinichiro: No...

Takeomi: Well shit!

Chapter Text

Koko: Please don't send me your fanfics, if you do I'll kill you.

Benkei, hiding his phone were he was writing a Koko x Mikey fic: What do people send you?

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Hi.

Taiju: Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell Chifuyu?

Hakkai: I did.

Taiju: And what did he say?

Hakkai: “Thank you.”

Taiju: You’re welcome. What did he say?

Hakkai: He said “Thank you.” I said “I love you” and Chifuyu said “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

Takuya: I find this story hilarious, but it's terrible, so this Roman Emperor took his Boyfriend on a moonlight Nile River cruise, and *wheeze* his boyfriend fell in and got eaten by a Crocodile!

Chapter Text

Senju: *puts a picture of herself on top of the Christmas tree*
Takeomi: Senju why did you put a picture of yourself on the tree?
Senju: *smiles* Cause the star goes on top.
Takeomi:
Senju:
Takeomi: Senju- You know what never mind leave it there.
Senju: *smiles brightly*

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you said that was gay.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: My life is like the word bus
Kazutora: Without u its just bs
Sanzu:
Sanzu: Marry me.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: I wanted to apologise.

Kakuchou: Good.

Kisaki: Let me finish. I said I wanted to apologise, but then I realised, I'm not sorry at all.

Chapter Text

Mochi, sitting on Akane's lap: Pay attention to me.

Akane: We were just making out two seconds ago.

Mochi: I don't see your point.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: You flirt and kiss and for what? Love? Pathetic.

Shion: To level up my charisma stat.

Takeomi: Ah, a gamer. You may pass.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Do you even lift bro?

Takuya: Do I even lift-? Yeah, I lift. I lift your fucking spirits up. How have you been? Everything okay? I miss you, Michi. Let's grab lunch sometime.

Chapter Text

Emma: Being in love with Baji is not always cute or romantic. sometimes it's pushing his face away because you have viral bronchitis and he keeps trying to kiss you knowing this because he has no sense of self-preservation.

Emma: Update, Kei got bronchitis! You'll never guess how.

Chapter Text

Takuya: Like they say, "If you can't beat them, curl up in a ball and protect your organs."
Takemichi: Nah, call me, I'll protect you

Chapter Text

*Koko trying to convince AkaMo's child to go to bed after his parents' attempt failed*

Koko: Listen buddy, gender is a construct, society is a construct, money is a construct.

Koko: But bedtime is very, very real

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: When I first met you.... I did not like you

Hanma: I am aware

Chifuyu: But then we got to spend some time together..

Hanma:

Chifuyu: It did not get better.

Hanma: Then give me back the friendship bracelet.

Chifuyu, holding his wrist and has tears in his eyes: N O

Chapter Text

Hanma: Is this the part where you tell me that if I hurt him you'll kill me?
Emma: No, if you hurt Tora, he is perfectly capable of killing you himself.

Chapter Text

Senju: Here’s your birthday card!
Hina, opening it: Aw, thanks Senju
Hina:
Hina: Did you handwrite asdfghjkl ily?
Senju: And I meant every word.

Chapter Text

*gang parents are all going shopping, except Takeomi*

Wakasa: Takeomi, you're in charge while the rest of us are in the mall.

Takeomi: Alright, I'm your man!

Taiju: Don't do anything stupid.

Takeomi: Okay, I'm kinda your man.

Chonbo: And keep the kids out of trouble.

Takeomi: You need another man.

Chapter Text

*Draken realizes Emma's love for him is mutual*

Draken: MITSUYA

Draken: HELP ME

Draken: I...DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: I need, a knife.
Kazutora: Okay, what make? Model? Shape? Size and colour?
Yuzuha: Holy shit, Tora -

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I hope I get run over.

Makoto: Aww! Come on, it’s Christmas! Get in the spirit!

Takemichi: *Sigh* Fine. I hope I get run over by a reindeer.

Chapter Text

*after having an argument*
Mochi: *packing his and Akane's lunch for their workday*
Mochi, handing Akane her lunch: This was not made with love today, just so you know.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Haruchiyo, you didn't get me bees as a present again, did you?

Sanzu, standing far away: Just open it.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Are you drunk?
Chome: Only on the spirit of Christmas!
Chonbo: And the spirit of whiskey.

Chapter Text

South: Dying takes a lot out of you.
Draken: I've heard. We should start a club, get some t-shirts made.

Chapter Text

Shion: I have some bad news.
Yuzuha: Me too.
Yuzuha: Kiyomasa and I are getting divorced.
Yuzuha: He tried to kill our kids.
Shion: ...I have some good news.
Shion: I just ran him over with my car.

Chapter Text

Smiley: You’re blocking the view.

Rindou: I am the view.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: You have no idea what I’m capable of!
South: Don’t take it personally, but I feel like I’m being threatened by a little cupcake.

Chapter Text

Inui: Christmas gets harder as you get older.
Mikey: What do I want for Christmas? I don’t know.
Kazutora: Financial Security? A stable job?
Wakasa: A nap would be nice...

Chapter Text

Takemichi: What did I do to upset you?

South: I don't know what you mean.

Takemichi, pointing at all his stuff that has been moved to the highest shelf: I'm not dumb.

Chapter Text

Takeomi, awkwardly picking up a crying baby Senju: It's okay, when you grow up, you'll learn to do this on the inside.

Chapter Text

Inui: Hey, Draken. I'm not saying these are from your motorcycle, but I found these stripped handlebars outside.
Draken: You better not have messed with my bike. Let me remind you I'm carrying a weapon.
Inui: We all have the same weapons.
Draken: *pulls out a rocket-launcher*

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Hey, Koko! Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. Which organ would you like for Valentine's Day?
Kakuchou: Gross, Sanzu, that's completely inappropriate—
Koko: I have always wanted to dissect a liver. Would that be feasible?
Kakuchou:
Sanzu: I think he's my soulmate.

Chapter Text

Koko: Hey could you do me a favor?

Takeomi: Koko, if you committed murder, I would put my DNA at the crime scene and confess in front of the jury for you.

Koko: That would be highly unnecessary, I would get away with it. Also, I just wanted you to do the dishes.

Takeomi: No.

Chapter Text

Emma: Oh look, we’re under a mistletoe.
Draken: *looks up* Emma, that is not a mistletoe.
*later that night*
Draken: *wakes up at 4am* Oh my- ! She was flirting with me!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Does that equate to building a door leading to nowhere? In my opinion, not really.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Not all your life decisions have to be smart. Some can be purely for cinematic value!

Chapter Text

*on a date*

Kisaki: So what’s your favourite colour?

Takemichi: Really? Don’t ask me dumb questions.

Kisaki: How is formic acid prepared in a lab? Give the chemical reactions to it.

Takemichi:

Takemichi: My favourite colour is blue.

Chapter Text

Baji: You’re insulting my intellect
Kisaki: Yes

Chapter Text

Akane: Do you have a date for the valentine’s dance?

Benkei: Yeah it’s on the flyer, February 14th.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Feed me twelve pancakes and I'll give you this sword I found in a cupboard.
Takeomi, Benkei, Wakasa & Senju: *starts cooking pancakes for him*

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I'm short but knowing.

Rindou: You don’t even know what the top shelf looks like

Chapter Text

Shion: Hey, why aren’t koalas considered bears?
Yuzuha: Because they’re marsupials.
Baji, mockingly: “Because they’re marsupials.”
Baji: No. It’s because they don’t have the right koalafications.

Chapter Text

Hina: The best success is massive revenge.

Inui: Don’t you mean “the best revenge is massive success”?

Hina: No.

Chapter Text

Chonbo: All this wedding hassle for a stupid political alliance? I thought that I'd get married for true love, or because I was wasted after drinking trying to forget how much of an idiot my king is.

Chapter Text

Hanma: I'm a wanted man.

Chonbo: That's impossible. You weren't even a wanted child.

Chapter Text

Chome: What would Kazutora and Chonbo think?

Baji: Ok, that’s an interesting thought, but hear me out: what if… we ran an experiment where we spent the rest of our lives finding out what happened if we never told them?

Chapter Text

Emma: And this is a baby jumping spider.
Chome: You're telling me this shit jumps babies??

Chapter Text

Smiley: I wanted to kiss you today.
Mucho: Why didn't you?
Smiley: I can't reach your face.

Chapter Text

Hina: It's Christmas and you know what that means?!
Shion: Everybody is going to try to kill each other at the dinner table?
Mochi: The sweet release of death?
Rindou: Getting drunk and crying thinking about Sanzu?
South: The fact that I will only get coal from Santa?
Hina: ...I was going to say "ugly sweaters competition" but you know what? We're going to therapy.

Chapter Text

Koko: You have more qualities than you think, *points to Mochi's chest* You have this.

Mochi: I do have great tits, yes.

Koko: *facepalms*

Koko: I meant heart.

Chapter Text

*when the Takeomi and Sanzu were younger*

Takeomi: BOO!

Sanzu: *on the verge of tears*

Takeomi: Oh my god I'm sorry please don't cry!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Fifteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. If I'm on the street on like, a Friday, at 3 PM and I see a group of high-schoolers on the side of the street, I will cross to the other side of the street. Because fifteen-year-olds will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing you don't like about you. They don't even need to look at you for long, they'll just be like ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, look at that 6 foot man, he got rejected 20 times! And I'm like NO, THAT'S THE THING I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT!

Chapter Text

Senju: Hey umm ¿Would you ever date a short girl?
Baji: Me? No.
Senju: That is so shallow. How dare you!
Baji: I am gay, Senju...

Chapter Text

Hanma : Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a coward.
Benkei: I’m worried about you.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I just don't know how to respond when someone compliments me

Akane: Hey, Tora! You look nice today!

Kazutora: Merry christmas

Chapter Text

Takuya: Takemichi!

Takemichi: Who’s that?

Akkun: You obviously.

Takemichi: *zones out*

Makoto: Earth to Takemichi!

Takemichi: *snaps back into reality* What was that?

Yamagishi: *facepalm*

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: What the hell is going on?
Baji: I saved the day!
Emma: No, you plugged ten fax machines into one outlet and caused a fire.
Baji: But I pointed to the fire extinguisher and was like, “the fire extinguisher’s over there.”
Emma: You pointed at the toaster oven

Chapter Text

South: Yeah yeah, I'll try to be more positive
Also South: WHY ARE BIRDS FUCKING CHIRPING?

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Bitches will be like “I love animals” but hate themselves...you are an animal girl.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Testosterone masculinizes and estrogen feminizes, but if you wanna androgynize you gotta inject pure adrenaline. Can’t assign a gender to incomparable panic.

Chapter Text

Emma: If anyone is feeling anxious, worried or maybe you just want a chat, please, please, do not come crying to me.

Emma: At least that’s what Shin used to say.

Chapter Text

Sanzu/Kazutora/Ran/Takuya/Senju: Gender is a prison and I chewed through the bars.

Chapter Text

Shion: Thanks to duolingo, I can ask people if they're a horse but can't tell people what my name is in french.

Hanma: Ask me if I'm a fucking horse, I dare you.

Shion: Tu es un cheval?

Hanma: Nay

Shion: ..oh YOU-

Chapter Text

Wakasa: You’re so cute. Just so cute. *cups Sanzu’s face with his hands* You must be protected at all costs.
Sanzu:...I’m a trained assassin.

Chapter Text

Akkun: I can't find it!
Inui: Can't find what, Akkun?
Akkun: My will to live
Takuya: *extreme concern*
Takemichi in the corner: *wheeze*

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: I've heard you have extremely high standards in men.
Yuzuha: I do. They just need to be girls.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *does something stupid and gets himself hurt*
Hina: After I lovingly nurse you back to health, I’m going to kill you.

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Benkei: Takeomi, what's your favorite way to have potatoes?

Takeomi: Orally.

Benkei:

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Get your shit together and act like an adult.
Takeomi: I think you have the wrong number, but you're right.

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Hina: How are you so strong??

Takemichi: Nothing is heavier than the weight of my existence.

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Mikey: Takemichi is a success.
Hina: Takemichi is crying and he won't come out of the bathroom if that's what you call a success.

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Kisaki: I am a person of my word, and that word is “unreliable”.

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Hakkai and Yuzuha: *running around making noise*
Taiju: Oh. My. God. How am I supposed to focus on my work here? I hate siblings.
The pets: *running around making noise*
Taiju: I love this. Music to my ears.

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Chome, panicking over Taiju dropping by to check on them: Taiju chewed Hanma’s head off for having roaches at his place.
Choji: So what? We don't have roaches. Our rats ate all of them.
Chome: That's the problem. We have rats.
Choji: Right, right, right, right, that's worse.

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Takemichi: You’re, like, smart and articulate.
Kisaki, angrily: So are you!
Kisaki:
Kisaki: Why am I offended by that?

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Yuzuha: When’s your birthday?
Takemichi: Why, so you can look up my natal chart? So you can figure out my weaknesses? So you can destroy me?

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Hanma: I'm not gay, I'm bisexual

Sanzu: Are you romancing me?

Hanma: Yes

Sanzu: It’s not working

Chapter Text

Takemichi: So are we gonna talk about Mikey?
Kazutora: Oh, you haven't heard?

Chapter Text

Takemichi/Mikey: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

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Kakuchou: So does he do this every year?

Mitsuya: Unfortunately, yes

Smiley: *running around, bonking people on the head with an empty wrapping paper tube*

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Taiju: Apparently, if corals get too stressed out, they die.

Kakuchou: ...So if I were a coral, I would be dead.

Chonbo: What would corals even get stressed about?

Kazutora: Current events.

South: I hate this conversation

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Smiley: Did it hurt?
Sanzu: Did what hurt?
Smiley: When you broke through the earth’s crust and ascended from hell?
Sanzu:
Smiley:
Sanzu: I will give you a point for being original with that one

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Chonbo: I'm giving up alcohol for a month.
Kakuchou: Good for you!
Chonbo: Sorry, punctuation mistake-
Chonbo: I'm giving up, alcohol for a month.

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Ran: Sweatshirts are probably one of my favourite things to wear, like am I wearing a bra? Probably not cause I’m a guy, but the mystery is still there.

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Yamagishi: I thought a chiropractor was a type of dinosaur...
Takemichi: WHAT?
Akkun: Ah yes. Chiropractors. My favorite dinosaur, the best type of dino nuggie to get.
Yamagishi: STOP BULLYING ME THE END OF THE WORD SOUNDS LIKE VELOCIRAPTOR-

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Takeomi: Explain your social life in just one sentence.
Wakasa: I ghost people but still react to their posts, I call it 'haunting.'

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Takemichi: Has anyone seen my wife?

Stranger: What does she look like?

Takemichi: *sobbing* BEAUTIFUL

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Emma: Your last name sucks.

Sanzu: I know, but why do you think so?

Emma: It doesn’t suit you. You should change it.

Sanzu: To what?

Emma: Sano.

Emma: *walks away*

Sanzu:

Sanzu: Did she just propose to me?

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Naoto: At first, living with my sister and her husband annoyed me. I hated them, and yet, slowly but surely, I started to crave their company. I started to listen to them, and I even went so far as to do things for them.

Naoto: I wondered why, but now, the reason is clear. There’s even a name for it...

Hina: Friendshi-

Naoto: Stockholm syndrome.

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Mikey: Honestly, I'm just so evil. So full of darkness.
Mikey: I feed off the souls of the living!
Mikey: I strike fear-
Kakuchou: You sleep with a stuffed wolf named Shinken.
Mikey: He's my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!!!

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Chifuyu: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst plans I've ever heard.
Baji: What were the other two?
Chifuyu: There are no other two. I was just being kind.

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Senju: I’m so nervous for this dinner.
Sanzu: Just picture everyone in their underwear
Senju:
Sanzu: You know what nevermind

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Ran: Fine, I admit it, I ate the rest of your pizza. What do you want?

Rindou: A new brother.

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Baji: Bisexual means you can only like two things I’ve chosen cats and KazuFuyu.

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Sanzu: Hey, wake up! We just murdered your entire family!

Kazutora: Weird plan to drive me crazy, but okay...

Ran: Weird how?

Kazutora: I was raised in a abusive household even if I liked my mother a bit. Kinda just figured they were dead anyway. I mean, it’s kind of a bummer, don’t get me wrong, but like... nothing I haven’t mostly accepted already.

Mochi: Uh... Then who are these people in your house?

Kazutora: There's people in my house???

Rindou: Well, not anymore!

Mikey: Dumb bitch, you coulda died! You're welcome!

Kazutora:

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You can’t beat up everyone you have a problem with or that hurts me!
Hina, currently trying to beat up Mikey: I can try!

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Senju/Sanzu: Gender is a performance and I plan on getting booed off the stage.

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Baji: I'm fine.
Mitsuya: No you're not, you've been stabbed!
Baji: But I've been stabbed before, so it's fine.
Chonbo: You don't just develop immunity to stab wounds!

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Emma: Uh, Izana… are you okay?

Izana: Yeah, why?

Shinichiro: You just asked if damage repair shampoo works on emotions

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Hina: Have you ever thought about going to therapy, Mikey?
Mikey: No.
Kazutora: I did.
Hina: I know, Tora.
Kazutora: And my therapist says I'm getting better.
Hina: *pats Kazutora's head* I know, Tora.

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Ran: Why don’t people ever cheer when enter a room? I deserve applause, people! It’s not easy being this perfect!

Izana: We cheer when you leave.

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Shion: What could be better than serving up smiles?
Mucho: Being dead, or anything else.

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Mikey: You’ve challenged me to a fight six times today

Baji: MAKE IT SEVEN.

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Ran, trying to flirt: So, who you kissing for New Years, South?
South: The floor when I pass the fuck out on it.

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Hina, looking at Takemichi: Wow, he's so pretty.
Takemichi: *trips over the lamp cable and breaks the lamp*
Hina, in awe: A gorgeous loser.

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Takeomi: You say "please" and "thank you" in front of your younger siblings all the time and they never repeat it.

Takeomi: But when you say "fuck" ONCE—

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Hanayome: What’s your blood type?

Pah-chin: How would I know?

Hanayome: How would you not know?!

Pah-chin: Who am I, Karl Landsteiner, discoverer of blood groups?

Hanayome: You don’t know your own blood type, but you know who discovered them?

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Kazutora: I don’t really have friends.

Baji: Bold words coming from someone who is within hugging range!

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Shion: I’M GONNA STAY UP ALL NIGHT!
Shion: PARTY!!! PARTY!!!
Shion: PAR— *flops down and falls asleep*

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Inui: Why should I make my bed when I'm just gonna unmake it to go to sleep anyways?
Akane: *not looking up from her phone* Why should I feed you if you're just going to die anyways?
Inui:
Inui: I'll go make my bed-

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Baji: All the haters are like “aren’t you wanted by the country?”

Baji: And it’s like, I’m wanted by a lot of people, okay? That’s the price of being super fuckin’ hot.

Baji: Anyway, I did commit a smidge of treason and murder, you know the usual.

Chapter Text

Luna: Oh come on! What’s life without a little adventure?

Naoto: Long lived

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Hanma: Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.

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Takemichi: Oh yeah, don’t worry about my leg bouncing. That’s just a thing I do when I’m bored, or excited, or nervous, or alive.

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Hanma: I need one of you to volunteer to do something outrageously insane that will either make you cease to exist or be really fun.
Choji: That's most of the things we've done.

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Sanzu: Why do you always tease me?
Wakasa: Well, because you’re easy to make fun of—
Wakasa: OBVIOUSLY I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

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Koko: Sometimes I meet a new person and I immediately know exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life
Koko: Without them

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Mitsuya: So, I scored two tickets to this Alec Knight lecture. He's of course you know, challenging that the Russian claim that the Romanov remains done in Petersburg are authentic. Open bar.
Sanzu: Are you asking me out?
Mitsuya: Is that a yes?

Chapter Text

Shion: So, given Emma's attraction to Draken-
Emma: Wait, how do you know that?
Shion: Uh, I have eyes?

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Hina: Kiyomasa, stop it! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
Kiyomasa: Like who?
Hina: *kicks him*
Kiyomasa: *keels over and starts whimpering*
Hina: See? Now we're about the same height.

Chapter Text

Baji: Do you know what bees make?
Inui: Honey?
Baji: Yes, dear?
~~~
Baji: Do you know what bees make?
Koko: Some stupid annoying sound, what the fuck do you want?

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I had a nightmare.

Takeomi: What happened?

Sanzu: Someone said they love me.

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Naoto, to Takemichi: I gotta say, it’s an honor to meet you, officially. I sort of met you. I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping.

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Kakuchou: Do you love me?

Izana: Yeah, but it’s kind of ruining my whole crazy and evil exterior so I don’t know

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Sanzu: I'm going to tell you, I'm not a snitch

Sanzu: I'm just making sure none of my siblings will die by informing Taiju of our whereabouts and which gangs we will fight.

Chapter Text

Mucho, visiting the Akashi house to make some questions about why Sanzu lived alone and was touch starved to Takeomi: Is Akashi Takeomi here?

Senju: Uh, Y'know what?

*window shattering*

Senju: ...He just left.

Mucho:

Chapter Text

Takemichi: The only acceptable icing is buttercream. Whipped icing is a coward's choice and fondant people are demons and gotta meet me in the street for their poor life choices that led them to accept Play-Doh as acceptable cake decoration.
Kazutora: Turn on your location and we can talk.
Takemichi: Hope you understand sign language then 'cause all you're gonna be seeing are these hands.
Sanzu: Damn, shit's getting real in the cake decorating fandom.

Chapter Text

Draken: We need to talk about your inability to open up emotionally.
Mikey, leaning out a window: Wow, it sure would be a shame iF SOMEONE SHOT ME IN THE HEAD RIGHT NOW.

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Rindou, looking at Koko: What an angle...
Shion: Don't you mean angel?
Rindou: I was talking about his jawline, I'm the angel here.

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Koko, reading something on his phone: Apparently, the average person has sex around 51 times per year.

Shion, looking at the calendar that says 'December 29th' before looking at Koko again: Not sure if I'm ready for the next three days, tbh.

Ran, smirking: What happens if you are way past that limit?

Koko:

Koko: I don't think either of you understands how averages work.

Chapter Text

Kidnapper: We have your youngest member!
Mikey: Five-
Kidnapper: What?
*terrified screams in the background*
Koko: Four, three...
Kidnapper: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS KID?
Mikey: Two...
*cut-off scream, gurgling, bodies hitting the floor*
Koko: One.
Sanzu: Hello. Everything is under control. Tell everyone I'll be home for dinner.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Wakasa?

Wakasa: Yea, Sanzu?

Sanzu: I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Senju imitated your voice on the phone and told Kazutora that you hated his tattoo and hair and now, he's throwing all your clothes outside.

Kazutora, walking past with more clothes: *looks at the two and glares at Wakasa* You're sleeping outside tonight!

Wakasa, chasing after Kazutora: TAKEOMI, CONTROL YOUR SISTER!!!!

*later*

Akane: Good job, guys! High five! *raises both of her hands*

Sanzu/Senju: As always *high five back*

Chapter Text

Takemichi: What do you think of me?
Kisaki: Somewhere between 'kill you' and 'just kill me'.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Ugh I’ve been so tired lately I can’t think straight
Shion: Maybe go to sleep or something? I dunno I’m not a brain doctor or whatever they’re called.
Ran: Brainologist.
Hanma: Headboy?
Shion: Yeah I think that’s it.

Chapter Text

Emma, trying to get Kazutora to try new things: Come on, Tora, don't you wanna live?
Kazutora: It comes and goes.
Emma: That's...

Chapter Text

Ran/Rindou/Sanzu: Yeah some of our clothes are from victims. You might kill someone and then, you think, 'Oooh, those are some nice pants!'

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Surree, Koko would be a great president, but I'd be better. He owns your dad's company, yes. But I own your entire town, vote for me or I'll have it exterminated in ten seconds.
Koko: He's joking. Maybe.
Mikey: I hate your voice so I don't think you should be president unless you want to be assassinated.

Chapter Text

Emma: Can we all do something without it desvening into chaos and madness?
Chome, stuck on the ceiling: Actually, I think this game-bonding night has been more tame than last time.
Baji, hanging from the chandelier: Me too.
Choji, drenches in syrup and feathers: Mhm!
Hanma, hanging upside down on the wall, slurring: Yeah...
Chonbo, sitting taped to his chair beside Emma: Same.
Shion, face-down on the table: *Thumbs up*
Kazutora, sitting beside a bear plushie on a nearby couch: Yeah. Sure.
Angry, wearing clown make-up: Guys I think Smiley needs a height potion, he's been passed out for 10 minutes after he kept talking about 'internal bleedings'.

Chapter Text

Inui: Can we ask you a favor?
Akane: Can you ask me a favor? Yes. Will I do it?
Koko: You haven't even heard what we were going to ask-
Akane: No.

Chapter Text

Mochi: If I said "I'm going to commit a crime or get ice cream" anyone who knows me would accompany me because they know it's gonna be both and they know I'm going to eat too much ice cream and make myself sick

Chapter Text

South: Somehow you must not have heard all the bad things said about me.
Takemichi: I've heard them all twice, but I'll make my own judgements.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Well, What do you think?
Izana talking about Mikey: He isn't that bad.
Shinichiro: And?
Izana: I hate him with every fiber of my being.
Shinichiro: Why am I not surprised.

Chapter Text

Naoto: *holding up a drink* Here's to survival. Hopefully, we'll be doing this again next New Year's Eve.
Takemichi: Hopefully.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: My boyfriend has a dog named Shin and I love him very much.
Baji and Chifuyu: *shocked*

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Start your year off right. On December 31st at 9:15 PM, get under your covers and call asleep. Midnight will pass as you are deep in a peaceful slumber, and your first encounter with the new year will be waking up well-rested to a morning basked in sunlight and a day that's yours for the taking.
Hanma: No I am going to do coke.

Chapter Text

Akane: I don't know who needs to hear this...But healing from your emotional trauma looks good on you, keep going you sexy fuck.
Teacher: MISS INUI, PLEASE GET OFF THE PA SYSTEM RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

Chapter Text

Shion: You know how hair is dead from the second it exits the follicle, right?
Yuzuha: Right…
Shion: So all the hair you see on your body is dead.
Yuzuha: Yes.
Shion: Going by that logic maintaining healthy hair isn’t about actually making your hair healthy, but actually it’s about mummifying it properly.
Yuzuha: Dude, it’s three am. You woke me up to tell me this?

Chapter Text

Chome: You spent all our money on THIS??
Choji, putting tiny raincoats on baby rats: They live outside. They need this.

Chapter Text

Choji, watching a rat telenovela from inside the walls: ...and they were roommates!

Emma: Oh my God they were roommates!!

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Luna sometimes sleep talks. I think it’s quite adorable

*in the night*

Luna, asleep: Fight me… you ass… square up… I think the fuck not

Chapter Text

South: New year new me! And by that I mean I will refuse to change in any way yet blame outside forces for my shortcomings.

Chapter Text

*in the kitchen*
Takemichi, pouring molasses into a measuring cup: Wow, this takes awhile to come out.
Inui: don't worry, I did too.

Chapter Text

Naoto: I want to be as cool as Takemichi.
Mana: I once saw him drop a cake and cry for 20 minutes.

Chapter Text

Inui: Sanzu showed Angry and me Vocaloids

Chifuyu: Oh no..

Hakkai: Oh yeah? What did you think?

Angry: She wasn't rolling hard enough

Chifuyu and Hakkai: ... What?

Inui: Miku. She wasn't rolling hard enough

Takemichi: Wait-

Angry and Inui: We'll show her how to roll! TOMAN STYLE!!! *fucking rOLLS down a hill*

Chifuyu, Hakkai and Takemichi: *screaming*

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I love murder mysteries.
Izana: *trying to impress him* I've been the lead suspect for dozens of cases.

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: Wanna play 20 questions?
Kazutora: Sure, what's your favorite color?
Peh-yan: Mango, are you into guys?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I wish I had a prince to be my boyfriend!
Luna: Your wish is granted.
*Mitsuya appears*
Kazutora: ...Wtf is this?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: My New Year’s Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane.
Inui: That’s great Chifuyu, now all you have to do is find a plane load of people who’s resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Chapter Text

Draken, about Emma: so people thought I was in love with her but I’m not because I’m gay
Hina: That’s funny because I AM in love with her because I’m gay
Draken: Hm small world

Chapter Text

Mikey, about Takemichi: I never wanted to marry him! I was doing it for the family!

 

Emma in the other room: the boy is mine

Chapter Text

Mucho: So, I worked at a escape room for a short time and a group of kids doing one asked 'What happens if we don't get out?' I replied 'You die instantly' and the kids started yelling 'YES!' and high fiving. I'm pretty scared for them, right now.

Chapter Text

*Angry, Sanzu and Inui sitting in a circle.*
Sanzu: Raise your hand if you’re straight.
Koko, walks in: Why are you all sitting on your hands?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Doctor at my check-up asked me if I had any "feelings of depression or anxiety" and I told her "don't we all?" And she said "no"

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: A relationship with no gender roles. We both cook, clean, pay, and spoil each other.

Koko: Ughhh, gay people have been doing that stuff already for years. Being straight sounds horrible.

Chapter Text

Mana: I need you to check under my bed for monsters.
Hakkai: Look, Mana, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there's a monster it's gonna kill us both.

Chapter Text

Emma: When Mikey falls asleep in public, I shake him and yell, "DONT YOU DIE ON ME!"
Emma: People always clap when he wakes up.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: Pepsi tastes like soap.

Yasuda: What kind of fucking soap do you use?

Pah-chin: Pepsi.

Chapter Text

Angry: *about Ran* I get this weird feeling in my chest whenever I see him.

Chifuyu:

Hakkai:

Takemichi: Is it heart burn?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Mucho hasn't asked me to the dance yet, so I'm just laying out a little sugar to catch my snake.
Sanzu: Flies. Sugar catches flies.
Chifuyu: What catches snakes?
Inui: You gotta wear a snake trap.
Takemichi: No, you need those metal sticks with a grabber at the end.
Angry: Smiley uses those to get cereal down from the cupboard.
Hakkai: Why are there snakes in Smiley's cereal?

Chapter Text

Hakkai, to Draken: Why do you follow people's orders when you could literally pick them up and throw them out the window?

Chapter Text

Hanma, eating cookies: Why do you look so angry Baji?
Baji: I hate it when websites ask "Are you hUmAN" nawh bish I'm a pack of oatmeal cookies.
Hanma: Oh! Look, I'm eating you
Shion: I- What

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I have a tragic story, I’m questioning my sexuality all the time, and I have zero regard for personal safety. Time to accept the fact that I was always meant to be a villain.

Hina: Would you like some cuddles, cookies and tea?

Takemichi: ……*voice cracking* I’d love some.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Cancelling plans is ok. Staying home to cook is ok. Disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. Resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. It's called self care!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I just told my grandpa I died at birth and I’ve been a ghost this entire time just growing and manifesting into the son/grandson he'd lost and he's just like “Well please go to the light because I am tired of your shit”.

Chapter Text

Hina: Gosh you're so sweet, Yuzuha.
Yuzuha, panicking: My body contains roughly 300g of sodium chloride

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Was I the last one to find out Omi and Waka were in love with me?
Benkei: Yeah, all the way back to before we formed the Black Dragons.
Mikey: Yes.
Senju: Yeah!
Inui: Duh. We held meeting planning how to get you guys to notice your feelings all the time.
Sanzu: Mhm.
Izana: Yep.
Emma: If I can make you feel any better, Shin, Takeomi and Wakasa were the second-last people to know.
Takeomi & Wakasa: Yeah!

Chapter Text

Inui: The worst thing in the world is when you say something as a joke and everyone’s like, “Hey, that’s not normal. Are you okay?” Please stop psychoanalyzing me. I don’t have emotions, I’m a clown.

Chapter Text

Rindou: I'm such a man who leans in doorways, relaxes against the counter, drapes across a couch and sprawls over an armchair. My spine isn't straight and by god neither am I.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: What did you get for number nine?

Baji: Switzerland.

Takemichi: Well that's odd since we're doing math.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin, to Kazutora: Is gravity bothering you, Tora? Here, let me help.

Pah-chin: *sweeps Kazutora off his feet*

Chapter Text

Mucho: Chifuyu called me an idiot and married me to prove it.

Chapter Text

Makoto: This year was supposed to be great.

Makoto: But it’s only the second day and I’m a loser

Chapter Text

Baji, to Kazutora: I'll be under the mistletoe when you start feeling desperate!

Chapter Text

Akkun: Why are you drinking?

Takuya: I drink when I'm depressed.

Akkun: But you're always drinking?

Takuya: *takes another sip*

Chapter Text

Emma: You're going to be a great father, Ken.
Draken: How can you be so sure?
Mikey: Because I'll be there to kick your ass if you aren't.

Chapter Text

Taiju: You stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards???

Kazutora: I got a full house and four people died!

Inui: Koko wants his deck back, Tora.

Chapter Text

Angry: I expect that you will be bringing us tea at these certain times, right?

Takemichi: When are you going to bring us our lunch, Kurokawa-san?

Sanzu: Izana, might I discuss with you on this contract? I have some things I want to add for myself.

Hakkai: There better be some things prepared for my birthday coming soon.

Inui: Lastly, I expect you to have prepared all the essential skin care products ready for me.

Izana: ....You all are rather demanding for a bunch of kidnapped people.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Does Cthulhu count as 'something old'? Asking for a friend.
Yuzuha: Please do not raise old gods, new gods, borrowed gods, or blue gods.
Hina: It's your wedding day honey you raise whatever the hell you want.

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: Thanks, cutiepie.
Yasuda: Ugh.
Peh-yan: Sorry, I'll think of a better one than cutiepie. You're my angel.... dust.
Peh-yan: Sorry, that's a drug.

Chapter Text

Draken: *kissing Emma for the first time*
hina, Takemichi, Mitsuya, Pah-chin, Baji, Mikey and Kazutora: *watching them from afar while clapping hands*

Chapter Text

Izana: What do you think you're doing?
Takemichi: We're TRYING to have a team meeting, thank you very little.
Hakkai: Yeah! Team ears only.
Kakuchou: We're in the middle of a fight!
Mikey: And we're in the middle of a conversation! What don't you get about that?

Chapter Text

Yasuda, tearing up the room: Where are they?
Yasuda, looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children?
Yasuda: Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Hello, I'm Mikey. I work at a shop now. Here to help. Look, they gave me a badge with my name, 'Manjiro', on it in case I forget it. Very helpful, as that does happen.

Chapter Text

Mucho: Ah shit, I forgot.
Shion: Forgot what?
Mucho: How do you expect me to answer that?

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: How do you do that?
Mitsuya: I'm fearless.
Yuzuha: I saw you run from bees yesterday. You flailed around and tripped over a chair. It was both hysterical and sad.
Mitsuya: I'm mostly fearless.

Chapter Text

Emma: Where the devil is Hina?
Yuzuha: Well, it is raining outside... Maybe she melted?
Senju: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat?

Chapter Text

Hina: Your husband doesn't have the mental strength to caramelize onions.
Senju: Your husband thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions.
Mikey: Who's fucking caramelizing onions? Have you sociopaths forgotten that apples exist?
Takemichi: Do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions.

Chapter Text

Hina: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.
Izana, Emma and Mikey: Okay.
Hina: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.
Emma: Bold of you to assume I have money.
Izana: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.
Mikey: Bold of you to assume I can die.

Chapter Text

Mikey to Takemichi: Me? I'm the bee knees, but, you? You're just...
Sanzu: Cockroach ankles!
Mikey: Ye- uh, what?

Chapter Text

Mikey: Dinosaurs aren't extinct. I mean, Grandpa is walking in this room.
Shinichiro: *wheeze*

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: How are you today?
Takuya: Please don’t make me think about my life.

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Kazutora: You might not know this, Takemichi, but I am a flawed person.

Takemichi: I do know that. But I still love you.

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Mucho: Can you get your older brother to call at exactly ten minutes to midnight?

Sanzu: Absolutely not. Takeomi’s not doing that.

Mucho: Not even if his siblings’ lives depended on it?

Senju: If our lives depend on our brother actually doing something remotely helpful for anyone but himself, then honestly, we’re all dead.

Mucho:

Sanzu:

Seenju:

Senju: I’ll try. I’ll try.

Chapter Text

Koko: Rindou's refusing to wear their glasses!
Rindou: Koko, look, I wore the glasses for a day. My eyes are much better now. Watch.
Rindou: *points to Mochi* Mochi.
Rindou: *points to Mikey* Boss.
Rindou: *points to Ran* Sasquatch.

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Mikey: I'm going on a date.
Kazutora, mumbling: Good for you.
Mikey: "Good for us." I'll pick you up at 6.

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Chonbo: I found that I have been happier ever since I changed from drinking coffee in the morning to orange juice.
Chonbo: Doctors say it's the vitamin-C, I personally think it's the vodka.

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Shion, trying to teach Baby Rindou the alphabet: repeat after me: A, B, C, D. Okay?
Rindou: A, P, L, G?
Ran, trying to be a Supportive Dad: Yes boy, remix!

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Yasuda: Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like, "Wait, what?"

Chapter Text

Rindou: *hits South in the head with a ball*

Rokuhara Tandai, three hours later, trying to coax him down from the tree: It’s okay he’s gone you can come down now-

Rindou, still shaking: He’s not gone, he’s waiting.

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Draken: I put a little note in your bag to tell you that I love you.
Emma, opening her bag: This is a 10 page letter.

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Takeomi: One day you will inherit all these priceless heirlooms

Sanzu: These are vape pens

Takeomi: They’re the family juuls

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Hanma: Last night I found out Baji is a sleep talker.
Emma: Oh, really?
Hanma: “The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.” Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am.

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Yamagishi: My math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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Benkei: I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”… 

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Luna: What flavour is this soap?

Mitsuya: Do you mean scent?

Luna: No, flavour … I tried tasting it and I can’t figure out what flavour it is

Mitsuya: ...

Chapter Text

Mana: With great boredom comes great irresponsibility 

Hakkai: Please tell me you’re not going to taste test soaps again

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Yasuda: Sometimes I like to call people by the wrong name to let them know that I don’t care about them.
Peh-yan: That’s brilliant.
Yasuda: Thank you, Ryoko.

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Naoto: Describe your ideal man.

Sanzu: He’s dark, mysterious, and he can sing, and he plays the organ.

Hina: I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.

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Hanayome: Jaffa Cakes are legally cakes-
Yasuda: That implies there are illegal cakes.
Senju: Illegal cakes include poptarts, twinkies, lasagne, and of course, fried chicken.

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Sanzu: I’m dating Mikey.
Draken: I always knew your standards were low, but not that low.

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Hanma: Do you ever think about how your skeleton is always wet?

Benkei: I wish I never had, but thanks for ruining my life.

Shion: Don’t worry! There will come a time when it’s not.

Benkei: Thanks! Even worse.

Chapter Text

Emma: So, how did your date with Kazutora go?

Mikey: It went great, until I tried to compliment him. I wanted to say, “You have the most wonderful smile. Your eyes are gorgeous.”

Emma: What happened then?

Mikey: He smiled at me, and I froze.

Mikey: I said, “You have eyes.”

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Emma: I don’t know how to tell you this, Draken, but you’re in love with me.
Draken: What?
Draken: …Oh my god, I am.
Peh-yan: What kind of confession did I just witness?

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Hina: My husband said he did a double take of me when he first met me but I’ve also seen him do a double take of a free pile of dirt
Kazutora: Wait, FREE dirt?
Ran: Where was the free dirt, do you think it’s still there?

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Baji: You can't make everyone like you. You're not Kazutora.

Yuzuha: Not everyone likes Kazutora, though.

Hina: Who doesn't like him?

Yuzuha: No one, I just-

Shion: We need names, Yuzuha.

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Yamagishi, attempting to take a break: I'm like Rapunzel. Except, instead of letting my hair down, I'm letting everyone else down.
Koko: Yamagishi, no.

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Chifuyu: He was awful.
Hakkai: He wasn't well.
Chifuyu: Both things can be true.

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Hasegawa: Dogs lick us because they know we have bones and they want them

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Shinichiro: A while back I decided to start putting salt in Takeomi’s
milk.

Shinichiro: It was funny until Senju told me that's how he always drinks his milk

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Senju: I’m so clumsy today. I keep bumping into things. I have so many bruises, it’s not even funny

Hina and Baji: *knowing they broke into Senju’s room in the middle of the night to move all his furniture exactly one inch to the left* Damn. That’s wild

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Wakasa: I am offended. I am angry. I am… very tired

Wakasa: So I’m gonna take a nap

Wakasa: But when I wake up, oh, you are in for it

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Ran: You know me. Running around. Living life. Committing arson

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Taiju: Y’know, pansexuality isn’t that hard to understand. I see an attractive person, I panic. What more could you want?

Koko: I want your wallet

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Takemichi: I would 100% risk my life trying to save them, but I will never call them back.

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Choji: I thought you said I could start a club!

Kazutora: When pentagrams get involved, it’s not a club.

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Takemichi: If I wasn’t meant to get hurt, then why was I born with the ability to heal?

Chifuyu:

Takemichi: Checkmate

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Shinichiro: It’s family moments like these I will never forget

Emma: With a good therapist, hopefully I will

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Kakuchou: What’s with the napkin on the glass door?

South: Shion keeps walking into the glass door, so I thought this would help

Shion: Oh, cool! A floating napk- *Walks into the glass door*

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Benkei: I’m not an early bird or a night owl

Benkei: I’m some kind of perpetually exhausted pigeon

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Emma: Hello, Baji. Surprised to see me?

Baji: I didn’t say Bloody Mary three times, so yes

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Shinichiro, doing a crossword puzzle: What’s a five letter word for happiness?

Koko: Money?

Mikey: Death

Chifuyu: Game…sss?

Emma: Pocky?

Mochi: Dildo?

Wakasa: Sleep

Shinichiro: No… it starts with B…

Izana: Blood!

Chonbo: Booze!

Shinichiro: …and the last letter is an S

Baji: Boobs?

Kazutora, sitting in the corner: IT’S BLISS, YOU COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOTS!!!

Shinichiro: Yeah! That’s it! Thanks pal!

Chapter Text

Mochi: My girlfriend said she doesn’t love me anymore

Akane: No, I said “You can’t be the little spoon five times in a row, it’s my turn now”

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Takuya: *yawns* Sorry class, I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was up late again lamenting the choices I made

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Emma: *on the brink of tears* I’ve never seen two pretty best friends… one of them has to be ugly 

Koko: Wait, I-

Emma: I’m sorry you have to go through this

Koko:

Koko: True, I'm the beautiful and rich friend so you can be the pretty one.

Emma:

Emma: Bitch!

Koko: You started it.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Emma, why are you crying?
Emma, not wanting to tell him it was because Choji killed off a character in his rat telenovela: I stubbed my toe.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Birth certificates are just receipts for human beings.
South: How and where can I return myself?

Chapter Text

Takuya: I just came here to let you know that whenever you’re experiencing a sudden calm it’s because I took your voodoo doll out for a picnic on a grassy hill.

Mikey: Thank you.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Okay. Rule number 1, do not go off on your own. Rule number 2, if you do go off on your own, do not go in the woods. Rule number 3, if you do go into the woods, never, ever, EVER make out in the woods, or you will DIE in the woods…

Izana: Where’s Draken and Emma?!

Mikey: Breaking rules 1, 2 and 3.

Chapter Text

Shion: Don't let people tell you your attraction to fire is "abnormal" or "hazardous". Prometheus doesn't have his liver eaten every day for you to ignore the allure of arson.
Baji: You need at least two incidents of arson to diagnose pyromania so everyone gets one free sample. Use it wisely.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You read my diary?
Taiju: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

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Ran: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset?
Rindou: No, I said "Ran, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: Guys, I didn’t memorize my lines!
Yasuda: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in plays are dumb as fuck!
*During the play*
Peh-yan: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts?
Pah-chin: W-what’re donuts?

Chapter Text

*Taking care of baby Rindou*
Mucho: What does the doggy say? Bow wow.
Mochi: What does the kitty say? Meow meow.
Izana: What does the moo cow say? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

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Koko: Roses are red, love is fake. A wedding is actually a funeral with cake.

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Inui: Move, I’m gay.

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Mitsuya, annoyed: Hey, let’s play a game. It’s called; ‘See who can be quiet the longest’.

Hakkai: Cool! My brother loves that game!

Mitsuya: …

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: So there’s this guy I like in town a…

Mikey: Called it! Pay up, Sis!

Shinichiro: Uh… he bet on me being…

Emma: Yeah. Don’t worry, we bet on him too.

Grandpa Sano: It’s tradition.

Chapter Text

Kid Kazutora: I have a problem.

Baji: If it’s harder then 2+2, I can’t help.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Hey guys-

Shion: Shut up, you puta. I hope you choke and die in your sleep!

Hanma: Wh-

Ran: Shion, what did we talk about?

Shion: Right, sorry- I’m trying to be nicer to people.

Mochi, holding a crying Hanma: THAT WAS YOU TRYING?!

Chapter Text

Mitsuya, to Baby Rindou: You’re adopted.

Baby Rindou, with tears forming on his eyes: What?

Mitsuya: Yes, by me.

Shion: NO-

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *shatters a window and climbs through it*

Sanzu: *turns around and helps Baby Rindou through it*

Sanzu: Breaking in someone’s home is wrong, Rin-chan.

Baby Rindou: Okey!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *tells Benkei how his father abused him and his mother sometimes emotional manipulated and neglected him*

Benkei: I’m adopting him.

Shinichiro: You can’t. He already has a family.

Benkei: Yes. Me, I’m his family.

Wakasa: Don’t you think Kazutora should have a say?

Benkei: No, I’m adopting him, he gets adopted. End of story.

Takeomi: But-

Benkei: MAYBE THEY ALL SHOULD’VE TREATED HIM BETTER!

Shinichiro: Yes, but-

Benkei: He would look great in black and white, right?

Shinichiro, Wakasa and Takeomi: *facepalm*

Chapter Text

Takeomi: You're like my closest friend and I’d fuck you if you asked.
Shinichiro: What?
Takeomi: What?
Wakasa: *sitting on the floor stuffing chips in his mouth* He said he’d fuck you if you asked.

Chapter Text

Mochi: *picks up Koko*
Koko: What do I weigh to you?
Mochi: It's like holding some grapes.

Chapter Text

Izana: I forget but I do NOT forgive.
Izana: I'm wandering around hating bitches, can't remember why.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: What exactly are you doing?
Hakkai, surrounded by fifteen cats: Building a family.

Chapter Text

Baby Rindou: Can I keep the nightlight on?
Ran: And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head, Rin.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Mochi told me that he got Mikey a box of toys for his birthday... I don't really understand why he'd get a grown adult toys tho.
Sanzu: I'm going to tell him.
Koko: Don't you dare.

Chapter Text

Benkei: You wanna know what these muscles are for?

Kazutora: What?

Benkei: *hugging Kazutora* Holding those I love

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I wonder what butterflies taste like.

Baji: They taste bad.

Chifuyu: How-

Baji: I ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION, THAT’S ALL YOU GET-

Chapter Text

Emma: I’m having a hard time deciding which would be a good fit for my family. Adoption is so difficult.

Izana: We’ve been here for HOURS. Please, just pick a plant already.

Chapter Text

Ran: God, how much food is in there? This could feed twenty people.

Kakuchou: Excuse me, I’ve seen you and Mikey eat.

Ran: Fine, six.

Chapter Text

Benkei: Today, I’m going to be observing while you all perform a series of sports and training exercises-

Luna: Pass.

Mana: Actually, she can’t pass. Or run, or kick, or hit, or score…

Luna: Sports and I have a complicated relationship.

Naoto: Walking and you have a complicated relationship.

Chapter Text

Inui, seeing the house is flooded: Okay, okay. The only explanation is that I’m still asleep, dreaming that the house is flooded. What does it mean? What does it mean?

Koko, floating by: It probably means you’re under a lot of stress because this is not a dream and the house is definitely flooded.

Chapter Text

Koko: Do you have any sales experience?

Takeomi: I once sold a bag of oregano to some kids who thought it was weed.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: We have to stay cool. It’s like my grandma always used to say: If a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there’s always something you can gnaw through.

Akkun: Your grandma… always… said that?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: So this morning we were having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and said, 'You know what I want to do today? I want to get married.'

Emma: I had just woken up, I didn't even look cute.

Emma: That's how I knew he meant it.

Chapter Text

Mikey: If a guy calls you ‘princess’ in a condescending matter, assert your newly appointed loyal status and have him beheaded.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Any wedding can be a fairytale wedding if you serve porridge and release angry bears into the reception hall.

Chapter Text

*Mikey sees Emma and Draken holding hands*

Mikey: So who finally confessed?

Emma: It was me. I made sure it was short and sweet.

Draken: Short and sweet?

Draken: You yelled, “Listen here, you little shit, I have feelings for you and I know you have feelings for me too. So it’s about goddamned time we acknowledge them.” While you were drunk.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: DON'T BE SORRY! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT AN ANGEL! YOU TRIED TO HELP US WHICH IS A SWEET MOVE!

Takemichi: You're yelling nice things at me again and it's very confusing.

Chapter Text

Emma, chuckling: I keep laughing but inside my soul is dying. My entire personality is fading away, like water slipping through my fingers. I’m an empty carcass, a comic imitation of what I once was. An unholy caricature of the worst I can be.

Hanma: Is it exam week?

Emma: I got 18 exams in the next 12 days.

Hanma: I’m so sorry. Good monologue, though.

Chapter Text

Chome, reading the back of a medicine bottle: Listen to the weird possible side effects! May impair ability to juggle, knit sweaters, properly polish silver, rebuild car engines, wax surfboards, ride a unicycle, and the ability to understand pets.

Chonbo: What?

Luna: I know, nobody rides a unicycle anymore.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were…

*flashback*

Takemichi: Excuse me, Sanzu, my best friend wants to make out with someone.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Alright Mikey it’s time for bed.
Mikey: *holding a stuffed animal* Shinken says that if I go to bed now we’ll both die.
Sanzu: Shinken, what the fuck?!

Chapter Text

Customer: Hi, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.
Mikey: Sorry we only take cash or cards.
Manager: MANJIRO, MAY I SPEAK WITH YOU PRIVATELY-

Chapter Text

Akane: *sends a TikTok at 3 am*

Inui: *responds*

Akane:….*goes to their room* GO TO BED.

Inui: YOU GO TO BED.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Look, it's simple. All you have to say is “Hi, I took a blood test and I wanted my results back?”. Got it?

Hakkai, nodding while the phone rings:

Nurse: Hello, how can I help you?

Hakkai, panicked: I want my blood back

Hakkai: *hangs up*

Yuzuha:

Chapter Text

Rindou: There’s so much beauty in being soft and emotionally vulnerable.

Kisaki: Yeah. I'll stay ugly.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Why do you have a cane?

Rindou: Would you believe me if I said it’s for aesthetic?

Hakkai: No, no I wouldn’t.

Rindou: Fine, I’m blind in my right eye.

Hakkai: You haven’t even told Shion, have you?

Rindou: No, Shion doesn’t know either. He’d baby me.

Hakkai: Yeah, I get it, he still treats me like a toddler.

Rindou: Well, you are. A cursing, tall, anxiety-ridden toddler.

Chapter Text

Chome: Are you okay?

Chonbo, stressed: If I get bothered anymore, I’ll go into cardiac arrest.

Hanma: Is that a challenge.

Chonbo: Just do it, kill me.

Chapter Text

Koko: Ladies and gentlemen, and Sanzu, I am about to show you the greatest thing on earth!
Mikey: *gasps* A llama?
Koko: No
Sanzu: *gasps* A BABY llama?
Koko: nO
Rindou: *gasps* A baby llama with a LITTLE HAT on?!
Koko: NO

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I know it may seem like I'm not putting in an effort.
Takeomi: And that's because I'm not.

Chapter Text

Choji: Guys, have you seen my rats!?
Kazutora: Nope.
Chome: Nope.
Chonbo: Nope.
Hanma: Nope.
Emma: Nope.
Baji: Oh, so that's what Chifuyu was feeding his cat! Check the freezer, he said he was saving some for later.

Chapter Text

Angry: My opinions don’t have to be consistent.
Angry: I think whatever makes me feel nice at the time and there’s no law against that.

Chapter Text

Smiley: I am my own person
Smiley: I listen to no one
Smiley: I make the rules
Smiley: I am the oldest
Smiley: What I say goes
Smiley: I am the most powerful person in the—
Angry: Smiley, come here for a sec.
Smiley:...
Smiley: Fine

Chapter Text

Hanma, about Kisaki: So, do you think he's the guy for me?
Baji: Yeah, you're tons of fun, he's no fun at all. He... completes you.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Sometimes I see a girl’s shoulders/collarbone area and I’m suddenly possessed by the spirit of a 19th century lesbian first seeing another girl removing her dress to reveal pantaloons and corset in the dorms at the all-girls boarding school her parents sent her to so she may be trained in proper etiquette

Chapter Text

South: How long does your ideal hug last?
Kakuchou: 38-45 minutes.
South: That...seems impractical.
Kakuchou: You said ideal, not realistic.

Chapter Text

Hanma: WHAT’S UP YOUTUBE!

Hanma: Today we’re gonna do another unboxing video

Hanma: *enters graveyard, shovel in hand*

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Do you have real feelings?

South: Of course I have real feelings!

Kazutora: For what?

South: For you! And believe me, I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good…but…it was okay. Well, it…it was empty, actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now…because of you…I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.

Chapter Text

Ran: Mitsuya? No, he’s annoying, what a- *trips*

Ran: *thousands of photos of Mitsuya spill out of his jacket*

Ran: These aren’t mine, I’m just-

Ran, picking them up, sweating: Listen, I just- Fuck! *hundreds more fall out*

Ran: Shit- I’m holding them for a friend, just LISTEN-

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Fuck you, Rindou.

Rindou: Is that an insult or a to do list?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You and I are the modern day Romeo and Juliet.

Mikey: Awww, why? Is it because we’re destined to be together?

Takemichi: No it’s because we’re the two biggest idiots I know.

Chapter Text

Wakasa, on the first day of class: okay everyone stop training it’s nap time.

Baji: Hah!? You know we we're not pre-schoolers right? We don’t need daily naps??

Wakasa: Oh no. Nap time is for me. I don’t care what you guys do then.

Chapter Text

Koko: If I am to ever marry someone, they must be respectful, polite, smart, articulate, and-
Taiju: *stumbles in covered in blood, holding a baseball bat, and insults him straight to his face*
Koko: Never mind, I want that one

Chapter Text

Izana: I can't express how much I hate fucking bees.
Hanma: Then stop fucking bees?? It's really a simple solution.
Izana: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT.
Shion and Hanma: Not after The Bee Movie we don't.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: If your eyes start hurting, what you've got to do is lay down and close them for a while... now that's a sexy little manoeuvre that those in the medical field like to call "sleep."

Chapter Text

Mikey: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.
South: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?
Mikey: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.
South: I pity your dentist.
Mikey: Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: How did they get this little cat into the phone?
Ran: Takeomi, I know you know what the internet is.
Takeomi: They used a net?
Ran: You just texted me an hour ago.

Chapter Text

Hakkai, rolling his eyes: And you’ve got a knife on the end of your cane. Great addition. I feel soooo safe.

Rindou, pointing the knife to Hanma: It’s always been there. I’ve just never had to pull it on you before.

Chapter Text

Baji: I cast concussion! *hits Kisaki in the head with the pipe he found*

Chapter Text

Takemichi: South, why do you have your shirt off?
South: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Is that a rock?

Hanma: Yes! Kisaki gave it to me.

Chifuyu: He threw it at you!

Hanma, swooning: Isn’t he the sweetest?

Chapter Text

South: I’m sorry I think this is the moment that we die. This is it, this is it.

Draken: Takemichi’s gonna be so pissed!

Chapter Text

Shion: Mint is just cold spicy.

Tenjiku:

Kisaki: What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

Chapter Text

Yuzuha, filling out hospital forms: What's your middle name?
Takemichi, concussed: Danger

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *pokes Mikey* you still love me, right?

Mikey: *sleepily looks at clock* It's 3 a.m

Sanzu: But do you?

Mikey: Idiot, of course I do.

Chapter Text

Takuya: I apologize for Mikey's actions
Takuya: Something I find myself doing quite frequently.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I have two emotions: emotionless and blind-with-rage.

Chapter Text

Yasuda, looking through the first aid kit: Why the hell is this filled with cheese balls??
Peh-yan, bleeding out: It was funny at the time

Chapter Text

Shion: I may seem like an asshole, but deep down I'm a good person. And even deeper down, I'm a bigger asshole.

Chapter Text

Baji: I’m 10 times funnier and sexier than you.
Choji: 10 times 0 is still 0 though...
Baji: Jokes on you, I can’t do math.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Is four a lot?

Ran: Depends on the context. Sex partners? No. Murders? Yes.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I got you a flamethrower for your birthday!
Emma: I said I wanted a bubble gun. That makes bubbles.
Shinichiro: I swear I heard flamethrower.

Chapter Text

Mana: So what does it eat?
Chifuyu: Updog.
Peke J Junior: *starts breakdancing*
Chifuyu: Not yet, wait until they ask what that is.

Chapter Text

Draken to Mikey: I love Emma so much but they deserve someone better
Emma to Mikey: I love Draken so much but I don't think it's mutual
Mikey, beside Kazutora in the top of a building: I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I'm like 4000% tired.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: The sexual tension between my skull and the wall...

Chapter Text

Kid Kazutora, to Toman founders: I was looking at grapes in the store and this old lady comes up to me and goes 'You are not stealing these are you?' so I'm like 'Uh, no lol?' and she goes 'Oh, well. I am' and grabbed a handful of grapes and left.

Toman founders:

Kazutora: She is my idol now.

Chapter Text

Shion: I'm going to kill myself and then go grocery shopping and maybe kill myself again after that...

Chapter Text

Hakkai: The great thing about coffee is it cures exhaustion at 11pm and enables you to write a bomb ass paper.

Hakkai: The bad thing about coffee is it's now 3am and the only thing I want to do is cha cha real smooth.

*later*

Hakkai: I can't believe caffeine was the only drug I was on when I wrote this

Chapter Text

Mikey: My entire body hurts. What do I do?

Mikey: Evidently I have something called a 'fever'. Embarrassing.

Hanma: Why does this sound like something a fallen God that is forced to live as a human...

Mikey: I have to block you know but I can't tell you why.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Do you want the tea?

Koko: For the last time, it is called a status report.

Rindou:

Rindou: Do you want the tea or not?

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Kisaki: I didn't come here to be insulted.

Chifuyu: Oh? Where do you usually go?

Kisaki:

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Ran, singing while looking at Sanzu: I pick my poison and it's you...

Takeomi: It's disgusting, stop it...

Koko: You're literally crying....

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Sanzu, watching power lines fall down: Takeomi, Senju! The town is exploding and it's very pretty!

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Luna: Are you there?

Kazutora: Physically yes, mentally is debatable.

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Ran: Sanzu’s freaking out.

Sanzu: I’m not freaking out!

Rindou: Totally freaking out.

Sanzu: SHUT UP!!!

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Taiju: I need to keep beating things up or else my hands will start rotting. Lord, rid me from this damnation.

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Senju: What’s our exit strategy?

Draken and Takemichi: Our what?

Takeomi: Oh stars, we’re all going to die.

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Sanzu: Waka am I ugly ?

Wakasa: Nonsense, I'm looking at you right now, you're the most beautiful boy in the world !

*later*

Sanzu: Brother am I ugly ?

Takeomi: Very much.

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*Valhalla’s plan to boost Chonbo and Kazutora's confidence*
Emma, standing on a chair: The floor is hating Chonbo and Kazutora!
Chome: *Panics and gets on the table*
Baji: *Finds his way onto the ceiling*
Hanma: *Races to the couch*
Luna: *Was already on the couch but tucks his legs in anyways*
Choji: *Sitting in the armchair*
Chonbo and Kazutora:
Chonbo and Kazutora: *Flops onto the ground*
Everyone: Chonbo, Tora, no!

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Kazutora, entering the car with Baji: So Baji's driving today, which means someone's going to die...and that someone will probably be me or both of us.

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Mikey: I had a dream I was arrested for tax evasion, which is weird because I don’t even pay taxes.
Takeomi: ...That’s what tax evasion is.

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Chifuyu: *coming to the base with his clothes tattered*

Hakkai: What happened?

Chifuyu: I don't want to talk about it.

Mitsuya: He betted a race against Inui. And lost miserably.

Chifuyu, losing his mind: Look at Inui. He looks like a branch. How the fuck he did those flips.

Takemichi, knowing how Inui's room looks like from the future: A hell of a lot of exercise. I tell you that.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I'm really glad you two finally put your differences behind you. It's a relief to watch you both have a conversation without bickering.
Takeomi, laughing: It's a little weird, though, right? Next think you know, they'll be getting friendship bracelets, or something.
Senju:
Sanzu:
Senju and Sanzu: *simultaneously pull down their sleeves*