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Evaluation of Alternate Nutrition Sources for Persons Affected by Vampirism

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Evaluation of Alternate Nutrition Sources for Persons Affected by Vampirism

V. T. Acula, PhD; G. Orlok; F. Varney, MBE

 

Introduction

“The blood is the life” is a saying well-known to PABV--but which blood component? Traditional diets for PABV consist primarily or exclusively of whole human blood, but many PABV have expressed discomfort with the lack of options. We sought to “go to bat” for this long-underground population by investigating what other diets might be palatable and nutritious. We achieved this via direct consultation with stakeholders.

 

Methods

A study group of 39 PABV was recruited through personal connections of the authors. Supervision by a human subjects review board was deemed unnecessary due to the inhuman unnature of the subjects.

Ages of participants ranged from twenty-six through five hundred and seventy-three. PABV status was verified via measurement of vital signs, with qualified participants having a fingertip SpO2 at or below zero. Participants were surveyed on their nutritional and lifestyle practices, then broken down into five smaller focus groups which met weekly to sample a variety of proposed alternative PABV diets.

Samples were served in identical plastic cups, except for the fresh human blood, which was served directly from a graduate student. Participants individually rated the dietary choices before participating in a group discussion. While group discussions in the lab setting are often monitored through a one-way mirror for unobtrusive observation, this was not a practicable option for this study.

The original intention of the authors was to also include an objective element studying metabolic responses to different diets; unfortunately, during one of the draws to establish baseline levels, a phlebotomist suffered an inadvertent needlestick injury. Subsequent to this injury but before it was reported to the investigators, the remainder of the phlebotomy staff was consumed.

 

Results

Most PABV reported human hematophagy, with several relaying that they had attempted other diets in the past but failed due to poor palatability or deleterious health effects. In particular, participants reported severe nausea and vomiting after ingesting any solid food items. The one participant who primarily subsisted on animal blood noted that he did so for ethical reasons, but he suffered from chronic fatigue and weakness and attributed this to his diet. He was noted to have a skeletal appearance with early stage decomposition of the facial features.

 

Table 1: Dietary Habits of PABV

Food source

Number of participants who had tried it at least once (percentage)

Number who reported it was their primary diet (percentage)

Human blood, victim fatally exsanguinated

39 (100)

30 (77)

Human blood, victim allowed to survive

37 (95)

7 (18)

Human blood, sourced from blood banks

3 (8)

1 (3)

Animal blood

23 (59)

1 (3)

Solid foods

38 (97)

0 (0)

 

Of the samples presented in the study, all PABV reported a strong preference for fresh human blood, with all stating that it brought about a sense of well-being and satiety, and 29 (74%) reporting sexual arousal during or after feeding. As a result of this latter effect, several focus group sessions had to be paused and discussion resumed after all participants were prepared to continue.

 

Table 2: Sampled Nutrition Sources

Item

Mean participant rating1

Selected comments

Human blood (fresh)

10.0

“Ah ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!”

[moaning]

“Yes… yessssss.”

Human blood (whole, from frozen)

6.3

“Just not the same.”

“I don’t think this is from a virgin.”

Packed red blood cells

8.3

“A hearty meal.”

Fresh frozen plasma

5.8

“You could fry this, you know that? Albumin, it’s the same stuff as egg whites. Let’s get a frying pan in here next time, we’ll make omelets. No, I’m serious.”

Platelets

2.1

“Sthicks to my fanth.”

“Polyheme” artificial blood

0.3

[vomiting]

[vomiting]

“At least no one had to [vomits]”

Pork blood

3.2

“Better than nothing.”

“This is beneath my dignity! I was a prince in my land! A prince!”

Cadaver blood, coagulated and encased into “blood sausage” form

1.7

“Vhat ze fhuck iz zis.”

Human soul-infused water (prepared by a qualified witch)

9.2

“You can feel the pain, the fear that went into this. The suffering tingles on your tongue.”

“I think this is what ‘Gatorade’ must taste like.”

1 On a scale of one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Ten options on the scale!

 

Discussion

None of the proposed alternative nutrition sources was as widely accepted as the traditional PABV diet, but several showed some promise as temporizing measures when a regular diet is not possible (for instance, during travel or criminal investigation) or for PABV who do not find human blood ethically acceptable.

Most notably, the key component of blood appears to not be the physical substance, but the essence of human life carried within it. This raises consideration of whether other replenishable human bodily fluids might contain useful amounts of life essence, which may be studied in further research. The question of semen was raised in one focus group but PABV report that it is very difficult for them to perform oral sex.

It might also be possible to create the first commercial PABV diet based on this knowledge, by encapsulating human souls (or fragments thereof) in a convenient on-the-go format such as a gel or energy bar. This would necessitate a consistent supply of human souls, but with the maintenance of a secluded breeding flock, this could be achieved with a minimum of public notice. Research is also ongoing within the witch community into methods of surreptitiously draining a partial human soul under the guise of temporary clerical employment.

Limitations of this study include the subjective nature of the rating, and the restriction of the participants to humanoid hematophagous PABV. We hope to later extend our efforts to minority PABV communities such as the Sasabonsam, Mandurugo, and Choculas.

 

Acknowledgments

The authors would like to thank, and extend our sympathies to, the families and friends of all those who sustained us through the long writing and revising process of this paper. We deeply appreciate the hospitality with which your loved ones invited us into their homes.