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Can we go back? To where we started?

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Kyunghoon was sitting in his dressing room after the Knowing Bros shooting. It was so late and he couldn’t wait to get home immediately and take a break. But, he still had one visitor which was his official fansite. They were here to take only a picture for the cafe to show he already had his birthday gifts and he was using them. He got so many gifts but now, he was holding a new pair airpods. “That’s it?” Kyunghoon asked while getting up from the couch.

“Yes, that’s it. Thank you so much for taking a time for us, Kyunghoon-ah.” She smiled and Kyunghoon smiled back. They were kind of friends since they met up so many times due to fancafe posts. So he wasn’t feeling weird or all around her. “Happy birthday again.”

“Thank you so much for coming. Please take care and be careful on your way back.” Kyunghoon greeted her to the door and closed it. His mind was so busy and body was so tired. Today’s shoot was… something else for sure. Everything was going normal since he noticed that Heechul was closer to him more than other days. He was totally changed after his break up but today, he was showing it more. He was so talkative towards Kyunghoon, he kept looking at him and turning to his desk. He came to him during games and made him laugh. He even re-created a little scene with him and he was the one who grabbed Kyunghoon’s hand. He wasn’t expecting that at all. This made Kyunghoon so happy for sure but still… it felt weird, since it’s been a really long time they were like this last time. He sighed and rubbed his eyes with his one hand, put down the airpods case and started to untie his tie. He didn’t want to think about it because everytime he did, it only hurt him. That’s why he wasn’t staying in the city most of the times. He was keeping escaping to the forests, mountains on the weekends. He was trying to not to use his phone that much, only for watching things. He was trying to find his inner peace and get rid of this stupid feeling. He was still friends with Heechul, there was nothing wrong with that. They messaged each other time to time but not too many times. There were just unvisible walls between them after he got in a relationship. Kyunghoon congratulated him and then break up happened, Kyunghoon said he was sorry. Kyunghoon was always there for him but it was Heechul’s choice for not to come him or come to him. And he came to him, today. Kyunghoon wasn’t expecting this, he was still in shock. He knew that, at least one time, they felt more than friends with each other. Kyunghoon had relationships before. Some of them were short, some of them were really long. He tasted so many things but not something like he did with Heechul. He was something else. Kyunghoon was crazily happy around him. He even thought that it was impossible to someone to make him this happy but Heechul was doing that. And one day, he stopped everything. They were just… friends. Friends that doing a show together, friends that shooting things together, friends that making music together. Just boring, classic friends. There was nothing special in it.

When he just got rid of his tie, he heard someone knocking on the door. He checked his watch, he wasn’t waiting for anyone but it was probably someone from the staff. He said come in and leaned over makeup table, looking for who just came in. It wasn’t someone from the staff. It was someone from the cast itself. And it wasn’t someone ordinary. It was Heechul. He was here, in his dressing room after almost a year. Kyunghoon stood back up immediately with a surprising face and looked at him. He didn’t even take off his uniform, he was just looking like in the shooting. Why did he come here, he was wondering the most. “Hyung, hello. Did something happen?” Kyunghoon asked with a smile. A-kind-of-fake-smile.

“No, nothing happened.” Heechul smiled as well but not wide enough, which wasn’t like him at all. Also he was avoiding his eyes from him, looking around instead. It was just an empty dressing room, there was nothing to look at. “I just… wanted to come here. But if you’re busy or something…”

“No, I’m not. I was about to change my clothes, that’s all.” Kyunghoon went back to the couch and sat on it but he didn’t lean his back. He was a little nervous, since Heechul was here after today. But he wasn’t talking at all. There was just silence, a very awkward silence in the room. Kyunghoon didn’t know what to say either. But he had to say something for break the silence. “Umm, about today-“

“About today-“ And then, they talked at the same time. They just looked at each other in surprise and then laughed together loudly because it was very funny. “Please, you talk first.” Heechul smiled and sat down on the makeup chair, turning face to face to him. Kyunghoon wasn’t sure what was he about to say so he had to improvise right there.

“Today’s shoot was so fun. Even though the ratings aren’t that good I had so much fun.” He finally leaned back and started to play with his pants. “They are pretty young, right? That was cute.”

“Yeah, they really are. It’s crazy. I think we got so old.” They laughed again but Heechul shrugged after. “I don’t care though, I feel pretty young.”

“You’re young, hyung. Don’t worry about it.” Heechul thanked him and then it got silence again. But Kyunghoon noticed that Heechul didn’t say anything about whatever he was about to say minutes ago. So he broke the silence, once again. “What were you going to say? Sorry for interrupt you.”

“Ah… um…” Heechul avoided his eyes again and stroked the back of his hair. It was obvious that something was bothering him, or Kyunghoon thought so. Heechul looked at the floor, their shoes pointing at each other and lightly touched to Kyunghoon’s foot. “About today… I hope I didn’t annoy you or something. With the things I’ve done. You know, having a little skit and all.”

Kyunghoon’s eyes got bigger. Why did he even think that? He would never annoy him with anything. He was Heechul. Kyunghoon was totally in love with him and with everything he does. Heechul was something unreal in his eyes. A treasure that he never can have, a treasure that he never can even touch. He was so close yet so far away. Kyunghoon was grateful for every touch of him. “No, no. Hyung, please don’t say that. You never annoy me.” Heechul finally looked at him and sighed in relief.

“I’m glad. I just… I just missed the old times.” He bit his bottom lip. Kyunghoon was trying to understand what was he feeling at that moment but it was hard. “I know that I’m the one who ruined everything and it’s so selfish to me trying to get them back now… but, you know.” He shrugged. He was looking so small… and sad. Regretful. Kyunghoon hated that.

“You didn’t ruin anything.” He just decided to put a distance between them and Kyunghoon understood that. They… had something before. They kissed, they went one or two dates even though they never got in a relationship. And it was normal to stop all of these when he got in a new relationship. Kyunghoon understood it, it was pretty painful but he got it. “Don’t think about it, please. It’s okay. I’m happy to be like this.”

“But you should be angry with me Kyunghoon. I treated you like shit.”

“No you didn’t! You were so kind to me like always. We did a great show together, released an amazing song. We did everything together so well. You did treat me so nice.” Heechul shook his head like he was saying no and stood up. Kyunghoon took a deep breath. This conversation was so stupid and unnecessary. They were pretty good even though their friendship went a little bit colder. Kyunghoon wasn’t angry or anything.

“You don’t have to be nice to me. I’m sorry.”

“Hyung, stop this.” Kyunghoon stood up as well and went towards him, grabbing his arm and turning his face to himself. Their eyes met and Kyunghoon felt awful because Heechul was looking really sad, his eyes were telling it. What’s gotten him, Kyunghoon had no idea but he was already wanting him to stop. “There’s no need to be sorry for. You did nothing wrong. There’s nothing wrong with fall in love, right? I don’t know what you got through because… you never wanted to talk about it and I didn’t want to ask but I’m always here for you.”

“I ignored your feelings like a dick.” Heechul lowered his head but Kyunghoon held his arms tightly, as he was comforting him which he really was. Heechul was so precious to him and if he was feeling sad, Kyunghoon was feeling sad too. Kyunghoon was connected to him somehow and it was so funny to him because Heechul was the first who was crazy about Kyunghoon. Oh how the tables have turned. Now it was Kyunghoon. There was something addicted about Heechul.

“We weren’t in a relationship. We just… hung out couple of times and went on. That was pretty normal too. I’m not sad about it. Instead, I feel happy whenever I think about those moments.” Heechul took a shaky breath and covered his face with his hands. And suddenly, his shoulders started to shake as soon as he started crying. Kyunghoon got in a shock because he didn’t see Heechul crying for a really long time. Something sunk on his chest, he didn’t know what to do so he pulled him into his arms and hugged him. Heechul buried his face on his neck, hugged him back and cried. Just cried. For 1 minutes… 2 minutes… 3, 4 and 5. Minutes passed and Kyunghoon felt like it’s been years. He almost cried as well with him but held himself because he had to be strong to comfort him, calm him down.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to break down like that in front of you.” When Heechul finally spoke, he took a step back and wiped his tears with his cuffs. “I really missed you Kyunghoon.”

“I missed you too, Heechul. I really did.” Heechul nodded and cleared his throat, trying to pull yourself together. “Please don’t cry, ever again because of this. I don’t know what were you thinking of but I assure you that, everything is fine between us.”

“So… are we friends?” Heechul asked shyly. It was like, this wasn’t the question he was wanting to ask. But Kyunghoon didn’t think about it too much. Because, he knew that they were friends already. He was hoping, he always hoped that they were something more.

“Of course we are.” Kyunghoon smiled and wiped Heechul’s cheeks with his thumb. His eyes, his nose and his cheeks were all red. He was looking so cute and happy now. Kyunghoon wanted that. “Let’s go out together. Tomorrow night. What do you think?” Kyunghoon hoped that Heechul wasn’t going to think this is a date, because that would Kyunghoon make really embarrassed. It was just a friendly question. Even though Kyunghoon wanted in other way.

“Yes… yes, that would be great.” Kyunghoon smiled at him too and left a kiss on his forehead, stroked his arm. This felt so familiar, so warm, so… nice. Kyunghoon didn’t do this for a while and he was feeling so good already. There were so many things he missed about Heechul and always kept them to himself. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

**

Kyunghoon was waiting for Heechul in his car. It was almost 9pm and they were going to eat something and maybe drink something. He wanted to look casual but he couldn’t help to look a little bit ‘handsome’. He didn’t know if it worked but he tried his best. Heechul was probably going to show up in his pajamas, red slippers and nice curly hair but it was okay for Kyunghoon because he liked him in that way anyways. That was Heechul’s charm.

When he was looking at the phone to kill some time, the car door was opened and Heechul got in. Kyunghoon looked at him and got surprised so quickly because Heechul was also actually dressed up. He was wearing a nice shirt and blazer over it, all gray. And there was the long black coat on them that Kyunghoon gifted to him. Kyunghoon couldn’t help but smile. “You look so good, hyung. You got a date or something?” And then he sweared at himself because it was too early for this joke. You’re such a dumbass, Kyunghoon said to himself. “Well, sorry. That was-“

“I don’t know if I had a date or not but I’m here to have fun for sure.” Heechul smiled too and looked at him. He stopped for a second and then reached out his hand to him, fixed Kyunghoon’s glasses. “And I also want to make those lost times up with my… best friend. I owe him a lot.” Kyunghoon wanted to protest but stayed silent instead because there was no need to argue at this beautiful moment. He didn’t want to ruin anything on this night. He was waiting for this for months. He and Heechul didn’t go out together for a long time and this was the first time. He was excited like a little kid and was so happy to see Heechul doing okay. Heechul never wanted to talk about anything about his relationship, didn’t tell anyone what happened and everyone respected that, including Kyunghoon. He didn’t want to know anyway. Only thing he cared about was Heechul and as long as he’s happy, he was happy too.

They went to a grill restaurant and Kyunghoon took him to a really nice place since they both dressed up unnecessarily good. It was Sunday night and almost full but thankfully they found a table in the corner. Kyunghoon ordered for them but when he was about to buy a bottle of wine, Heechul requested soju and it decided. “So you really want to drink, huh?” Kyunghoon asked with a smirk on his face. Heechul nodded confidently and brushed his hair back with his fingers.

“It’s the boys night, of course we will drink Kyunghoon!”

“Okay, hyung. Whatever you say.” He laughed and took off his jacket, only left his turtleneck. He almost never wore turtlenecks but Heechul once said it looks good on him so he chose it on purpose. He wasn’t sure if Heechul noticed or not, which was okay in both ways. “So, you did everything on Knowing Bros yesterday because you wanted to make it up with me?”

Before Heechul answered, their orders came up and the waiter put down two bottles of soju and a lot of raw meat. It was kind of dark atmosphere and every table had led candles on them, so Kyunghoon thought it was too romantic for a grill restaurant. Since he was lowkey happy with it because he was here with Heechul. “Yes, I did it because of that.” Heechul finally answered while Kyunghoon was pouring sojus. “I thought it would be a nice starter and I think I was right. Because we are here now.” He laughed and Kyunghoon smiled, he thought he was being like the sweetes person on this earth. Well, Kyunghoon always thought like that about Heechul but that wasn’t the point at that moment.

“You know, I got really happy because I really missed those moments since we don’t do skits on the show anymore. It was so fun, entertaining and we were a really good partners if you ask me.” Maybe Heechul wasn’t the only reason they got colder with each other. Maybe the show forced them to do it anyway because… he didn’t know but it wasn’t like the old times. It changed a lot.

“You’re right. Those old episodes made us closer, after all. Right? We were so awkward around each other. I remember like it was yesterday.” Heechul giggled and took a shot glass, lifted up at the same time with Kyunghoon. “We should drink to our friendship, tonight.”

“Cheers to Kyungchul, then.” Kyunghoon winked and they toast.

 

**

Night passed very fast. Kyunghoon grilled some meat and they drank a lot. Well, at least Heechul did because Kyunghoon had to drive after this so he had to control himself. But when they were getting out of the restaurant they were still sober. Kind of. It was hard for them to get drunk anyway, they were both good drinkers. Kyunghoon checked the time, it was passed midnight already. They talked about so many things but mostly the old times and their old memories, making music and things like that. They shared so many things together and they didn’t even realize, until tonight. They were both feeling more lighter and happy for sure. “Are you happy now, hyung?” Kyunghoon asked while they were walking to his car.

“I am, Kyunghoon. Are you?”

Kyunghoon smiled and didn’t answer quickly. He looked at their steps, walking in harmony. Sidewalks that they were walking on was wet, it rained when they were inside. Streets were quiet, it was kind of cold but peaceful. The answer was obvious at that moment for him. “I’m so happy.”

“I knew it.” Heechul linked their arms and put his head onto Kyunghoon’s shoulder, continued to walk in that position. Kyunghoon felt his warmth, his familiar warmth because he felt this too before. That time was different but the feeling was still the same. It was so crazy to him how much he loves Heechul. As a friend, as a lover, as a crush. No matter what they called it, Kyunghoon’s feeling stayed the same. “I know what you’re thinking.”

“What am I thinking?” Kyunghoon asked because he sensed the hint in Heechul’s voice. Kind of flirtatious maybe?

“You want to hold my hand.” It was true actually and this surprised Kyunghoon unironcally. So he laughed but didn’t say anything, which only made Heechul more jokester. He lifted up his hand and poked Kyunghoon’s cheeks, then stole his glasses.

“Hey!” Heechul saved himself from Kyunghoon’s arm and started to run to the car with his glasses in his hands. “Heechul, come on! I can’t see shit!”

“Aww, poor Kyunghoon! Come and take it, then.”

“You know you can’t go anywhere without me at this hour.” Heechul showed his tongue to him and stopped next to his car, leaning over the door even though it’s wet due to rain. He put Kyunghoon’s glasses on and turned his head to him. He was looking so cute but Kyunghoon was sure that he can’t see anything as well.

“Wow, your eyes are really fucked up.” Kyunghoon also stopped in front of him and took his glasses from his eyes, put on himself. Finally, his vision turned back to normal from blurry. He saw Heechul’s face, smiling wide like a naughty kid. Yeah, he was totally tipsy. Maybe all of those sojus finally started to kick in. “You should wear these more, it looks good on you.”

“Okay, I will.” Kyunghoon agreed to him and took a step towards to him. Heechul’s smile slowly faded, put on a serious face instead. He clinged to the car door everytime Kyunghoon got closer. Kyunghoon heard him gulping loudly. He put his hand on the car, next to Heechul’s body then grabbed the handle. They were so close, Kyunghoon was feeling his smelling-like-alcohol breath on his face. But he didn’t do anything. “If you move, I’ll open the door, hyung.”

Heechul looked at him dumbfounded but when he finally gained his consciousness back, he moved so fast with really red cheeks. He got in the car and Kyunghoon followed him, satisfied with what he just did. Maybe he didn’t lose all of his charm after all. “You’re such a tease, Kyunghoon.” He heard Heechul was mumbling himself but didn’t say anything back, only smirking to himself and starting the car.

“So, let’s get you back to the home, hm?”

“I don’t want to go home. Let’s go somewhere nice with a view.” Kyunghoon looked at him, Heechul was looking outside. He was looking sleepy and his cheeks were still red. “I want to be here with you, a little more.” How could Kyunghoon say no to this? He never did that anyway. He always did anything that Heechul told him. Even rapping. He smiled to himself and took him somewhere nice, as he said.

It was kind of far away from the city but there was a really good view. Kyunghoon discovered this place during one of his camping trips but this area was only for cars, not for afoot. It was a mountanious area with a view of Seoul. Peaceful and quiet… and really colorful. He stopped the car but left the engines on, since it was cold outside and he didn’t want to make Heechul feel colder. “Is this view nice enough?” Kyunghoon asked jokingly.

“Yeah, it’s so nice.” Heechul took off his seatbelt and got out of the car suddenly. Kyunghoon followed him quickly since he was tipsy and afraid that he was going to do something to hurt himself. “Ah, fresh air. So nice.” Kyunghoon hold him by the arm carefully and Heechul took this oppurtunity to hug him. He wrapped his arms around Kyunghoon’s waist, snuggling him on the foot. “This is nice too. I miss your hugs. You give the best hugs, Kyunghoon. Did you know that?”

“I know, now.” He hugged Heechul back and stroked his arm, up and down. “Are you sure, you’re okay hyung?” Heechul nodded so that made Kyunghoon shut up. If he was okay, then it was fine.

They stood up there like that for a moment. Kyunghoon had no idea many minutes pass but since he was with Heechul, anytime was short for him. It never will be enough for him. Especially after yesterday, he learned that Heechul was wanting everything back. And Kyunghoon was so ready to give it to him. He was dreaming about it anyway. He was totally a hopeless lover, which was pretty embarrassing but he accepted this.

Heechul broke the silence. “I’m cold. Let’s go.”

“Okay. Let’s go.” Kyunghoon agreed to him and made a move to go to the car but Heechul grabbed his wrist, made him stop. Kyunghoon turned back to him, wondering what happened. “What’s wrong?”

“Before we go… can you give me a… kiss?” Heechul asked but his tone was very low, Kyunghoon hardly heard him. But heard him, anyway. And it was a total shock for him. Kiss? He was wanting him to kiss him. After years? No way. Maybe he was getting drunk as well and hearing things. But Heechul was looking at him, waiting for an answer obviously with his very red cheeks, again.

Kyunghoon lowered his shoulders and took a deep breath, went back to him. He held his cheek and stroked his skin with his thumb. Heechul was looking so pretty under the moonlight, like this, totally fell for Kyunghoon. It was like a dream. He closed to eyes while Kyunghoon was leaning over him but he didn’t kiss lips. He wanted it so bad but he didn’t. Instead, he put a kiss on his forehead like yesterday and then hugged him tightly. “You’re drunk.” He whispered to his ear. “And I want you to give you more time to think about all of this. I’m here always, anyway. I’ll wait.” He felt Heechul was hugging back to him, losing himself in his arms. “I’ll always wait for you, Heechul. Don’t worry.”