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Thrown too far, stupid fucking Uzumaki.

Chapter Text

Gai stared at Kakashi. “MY MOST YOUTHFUL RIVAL!!! WHERE DID YOU GET A NEW EYE?!?!!!”

“Maa, maa, Kurama made a seal, Gai.” Kakashi eye-smiled, reveling in the wonders of binocular vision. 

“He what?! ” Iruka hissed. “He made a seal that turns OFF YOUR SHARINGAN!?

“And on.”

Nuts ,” Iruka muttered. “Absolutely nuts .”

-

It took two weeks for Anko to agree to terms of seal-removal. Kurama had expected it to take either much shorter or much longer, and Anko had only been convinced by the prospect of learning which of her bets were correct (and getting paid for them).

Anko had also apparently gone on a betting spree in an effort to make the most of the deal. 

Kurama smirked, noting down Anko’s winning bets: thirteen hundred for guessing he was several hundred years old, twenty thousand for guessing he’d met Orochimaru before, and fifteen hundred yen for guessing he was from the future. Kurama hadn’t missed the many eyes on his clone from the rest of the semi-busy bar, and purposefully left the normal way instead of the Hiraishin or just poofing the clone.

-

Kurama smiled, handing Anko three stacks of money. “I am indeed several hundred years old, plus a few hundred. I had met Orochimaru before. And I am from the future.”

Anko stared at the pile of yen before her head jerked up to stare at Kurama. “ WHAT?!?!

Kurama grinned. “And that is all you’ve won.”

Anko stared at Kurama, knowing her biggest bet that Kurama hadn’t even acknowledged. “Tsunade’s fucking winning that bet. A hundred fucking million yen, and you’re not actually an Uzumaki.”

“Not really, and yes technically,” Kurama smirked. “Me, Kurama, am not an Uzumaki. Kurama Uzumaki , however, is an Uzumaki. Personally, I think Tsunade’s cheating, but I still say she wins because it’s fucking funny.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

Kurama grinned. “Exactly what I said. Now, seal .”

-

“OI SNAKE SHITHEAD!!”

Orochimaru turned, only to be hit in the face by a… coin?

Kurama grinned. “That’s your winnings from me.”

Orochimaru looked down at the coin. A single yen. That could only mean one thing, as none of his throwaway bets were ‘Naruto’: Kurama Uzumaki is not Naruto.  

-

Inoichi wheeled back at the sudden appearance of Orochimaru. “AGH!”

Kakashi merely tilted his head at the Snake Sannin. “Maa, maa, to what do we owe the pleasure?”

Orochimaru tossed a single yen coin onto the desk. “Kurama is not Naruto.”

“…What.” Shikaku stared at Orochimaru. “When was that an option.”

“Unimportant.” Orochimaru took the yen back, flipping it between his fingers. “Kurama is one of the following, however: the Sage of Six Paths, myself, Danzo Shimura, Anko Mitarashi, Madara Uchiha, Kushina Uzumaki, a Bijuu, Ibiki Morino, Mito Uzumaki, Oonoki, Hanzo the Salamander, Sakumo Hatake, or Hashirama Senju.”

“I think we can safely cross both you and Danzo off that list,” Inoichi muttered.

“Anything’s possible,” Orochimaru speculated at the coin.

“Any reason why the possibilities you listed are all your little bets on the board?” Shikaku muttered.

“Why, Shikaku, I figured you would’ve figured it out!” Orochimaru smirked, flicking the coin to bounce off the Nara’s head and back into his hand. 

Kakashi groaned. “He tossed the coin at you and left, didn’t he.”

“Yes.”

“On-brand,” Inoichi sighed, sticking a list of Orochimaru’s bets- minus ‘Orochimaru’ or ‘Danzo’- onto the investigation board. 

“I highly doubt he’s Anko,” Orochimaru added calmly, tossing a shuriken to stick through the name and then flicking another, “or Madara.”

“I’ve trained on Ibiki, he’s not him either,” Inoichi crossed out the name of the T&I head.

“Why not?”

Kakashi pointed to Inoichi’s drawing of Kurama’s mind in answer. “Inoichi tried to take a look at Kurama’s mind. The result:”

Interesting… ” Orochimaru purred, inspecting the drawing. “I presume that this is nowhere near Ibiki’s mind?”

Inoichi laughed. “That man is so excruciatingly organized that a cactus planted on the moon could find its way to Kirigakure and know the way to the Seven Swords, provided it could actually break through the mental wards, which it could not get through even one .”

“So absolutely not Ibiki,” Shikaku muttered. “Got it.”

“Not Hanzo either,” Orochimaru threw another shuriken. 

“If he’s Oonoki, then Ibiki is going to have a field day ,” Inoichi muttered.

Kakashi stared flatly at Inoichi. “Oonoki. The Tsuchikage. Training the Yellow Flash’s kid.”

A fourth shuriken thunked into the board. “Not Oonoki.”

“Not Sakumo either,” Shikaku tossed a kunai next to Sakumo’s name.

“Yeah, if he were Sakumo then he wouldn’t have wasted any time in going to Kakashi,” Inoichi nodded.

Kakashi nodded, not looking at the board. “Not him.”

The remaining options were ‘the Sage of Six Paths’, ‘Kushina Uzumaki’, ‘a Bijuu’, ‘Mito Uzumaki’, and ‘Hashirama Senju’.