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When She Loved Me (I loved her too)

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When somebody loves me

Everything was beautiful

Every hour spent together

Lives within my heart


Red had always been Cale’s favorite color. Ever since he could remember, he’s always been so attached to it. His mother has beautiful red red hair that he inherited. And he has a vague memory of her saying that it’s also her favorite color.

‘It’s the color of love’, she said with a sweet smile.

Cale can’t help but agree. It’s the color of his mother cuddling with him when he was sad. When she’ll read stories to him when he can’t fall asleep. It’s a mother taking her son to a field of pretty red flowers for a picnic. Just like now.

Under the shade of a huge ancient tree; a woman is singing softly to her son. Both of them enjoying the peace and scenery. Eating delicious food prepared by devoted servants.

It was nice.

—More than, actually. They can rarely enjoy such peace. They’re usually bundles of enthusiasm and energy that most of the servants can only look helplessly and fondly at them.

“My dear son, never forget that mother loves you hm?”

Jour suddenly broke the silence. Cale sat up and sleepily rubbed his eyes. He looked towards his mother and shook his head no.

“I will never forget that so don’t also forget that I love you too mama!” Cale smiled widely.

Jour reached for his son and hugged him. Cale returned the hug, putting as much of his feelings into it. A strong breeze passed by, but they did not separate. It’s a delicate moment and they somehow have the hunch that it will be important.

The red flowers swayed with the wind and danced as one. An alluring sea of red mixed with the sunset. Neither of the only human beings present there realized that it could have been an omen.

(The flowers were red poppies.)


And when she was sad

I was there to dry her tears

And when she was happy so was I

When she loves me


Cale was running to his mother’s room after finishing his lessons. He can’t wait to tell her about what happened today. His teacher told him that he had a talent for the sword! Although his body is quite weak, but it’s ok! He can just train his body to become stronger so he can protect everyone he loves.

He stopped at his mother’s room and raised his hand to knock twice. Silence met his ears, so he knocked again. There was still no answer.

“Mommy? Are you okay?” Cale asked worriedly. He slowly turned the doorknob and there in the middle of the room is a woman with bright red hair. Shoulders shaking and hands covering her face. Muffled sobs escaped her throat. It only made Cale more worried.

Jour sobbed louder. She can’t tell her son what’s going on. She doesn’t want to burden him with something too big for his shoulders. She wants to stop crying, but she can’t. Her throat feels like it’s being choked and her heart hurts so so much.

“Mommy?” Concerned eyes stared at her figure and Cale felt helpless. He doesn’t know what to do. So he tried to mimic what his mother does whenever he’s sad. Small hands tried to hug his mother’s body, but his arms are too short. He grasped the back of her clothes instead.

“I don’t know why mommy’s sad, but I’m here! I’ll help you! Just tell me what to do mommy!”

Jour smiled with tears in her eyes and hugged Cale back. Cale smiled. The corners of his mouth curling up, revealing a cute crooked smile and two little dimples.

Silence permeated throughout the room. Jour thought that maybe she’ll tell her son someday. For now, this is enough.

(She never told Cale.)

 (She never got the chance to do so.)


Through the summer and the fall

We had each other, that was all

Just she and I together

Like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely

 I was there to comfort her

And I knew that she loved me


An array of colorful leaves are falling down and there’s numerous piles of them. In one of them, a young boy with deep red hair is hiding. A hand covering his mouth to silence his giggles.

“Cale! Where are you?” a melodious voice called out. A woman who also has red hair is turning her head in every direction. Worry is written all over her face until she heard a quiet giggle from the pile of leaves beside her. A smile quickly took over her features, but she pretended to not hear it.

“Cale! We’re going to be late for tea time. The kitchen is introducing new cakes to us. I will eat them all if you don’t come out”~.

A head popped out from the pile of leaves with a betrayed look on his face. Jour giggled seeing his son looking at her as if she personally insulted his family. Cale pouted after seeing his mother laughing at him.

“Mommy, don’t be mean~” Cale whined. He smiled and felt proud for making his mother smile. He had been trailing after her even more since last summer. Her body is becoming weaker by the second and he doesn’t know what to do. Cale is scared. Scared that one day he might never see his mother again. He might never feel her hugs again. That one day, she will cease to exist. And that someday, he might forget things about her. What she looks like, her voice, her smile, and oh god.

(Cale is so so scared).

“Okay okay, mommy will stop teasing you now.” Jour said while still smiling. She reached for his hand and walked to the direction of the greenhouse.

“Let’s have some tea now hm? I heard the cakes are super delicious.”

Cale nodded his head with sparkles in his eyes. Quite a sweet tooth, that one.

Cale put his earlier thoughts to the back of his mind. He’s not alone. Both of them are still here. Living and still full of life. They cure their loneliness with each other. Taking shelter in each other’s presence since it’s a comfort all on its own.

(Cale wishes that he’ll never be lonely.)

(He vows that not even death could do them apart.)


So the years went by

 I stayed the same

But she began to drift away

 I was left alone

Still I waited for the day

When she'd say "I will always love you"


Sobs echoed throughout the household as the Countess takes her last breath. There’s so much blood and Cale is terrified. He woke up from his sleep when he heard a lot of noise coming from his mother’s room. They said there was an accident when the Countess was returning from Harris Village.

“It was unfortunate”, the healers said. “We can’t do anything else. We’re sorry.”

Cale didn’t want to hear it. He refuses to believe what they’re saying. Because there’s no way. His mother was getting better. Her strength was returning. She could walk with him in the garden without collapsing and she was becoming healthier. There’s no way that she could have die right now, there’s no way. He doesn’t want to believe it. He refuse to. Because not his kind and beautiful mother. No no no nononoNO! He can’t and he —

……

There’s too much blood.

(Cale thinks that red isn’t his favorite color anymore).

Cale wants to cry. His father is sobbing on a chair besides his mother. But somebody has to be strong. That’s what the others told him. ‘Be a good son for your father’. So he held his tears back even if its choking him, because he can’t fail his father too. (Cale promised and now his mother is dead and he can’t do anything about it.)

So Cale offered a hug for his father which was accepted and he whispered soft assurance for him. They’ll both be fine. They can still live. They were three and now they were two. But they’re still a family.

Cale caught another glimpse at his (— now dead) mother and his heart hurts even more.

(Red really isn’t his favorite color now.)

.

When the carriage shook and death loomed in the shadows like a predator watching its prey, Jour Henituse closed her eyes.

She wishes that she’ll survive.

She wishes to see her son one last time.

She wants to hold him and tell him that she loves him.

She wants.

She wishes.

Oh how she wants.

(But the world is a cruel cruel place).

.

“This is Violan. She might be your stepmother soon.” Deruth said with a nervous glance at his son.

Cale looked at them blankly and took a deep breath.

“…..congratulations.” Cale smiled and excused himself.

Cale wants to scream at his father. It’s so unfair. He is still grieving and yet his father already fell for someone new. And seeing the barely noticeable bump that Violan had, this relationship wasn’t new. It’s so unfair, why is it so unfair? He tried his best. Believe him he tried. He did everything to make his father happy. He visited him every single day to make his father smile. Even if Cale gets rejected whenever he invite him to a picnic or to just eat together again. Cale still smiled and tried. Cale never gave up on his father. (Why does it feel like his father gave up on him? Is he not good enough? This is not fair, it’s so unfair, why is it so unfair? Whywhywhywhy?).

It’s okay. They’ll still be a family right?

(Cale doesn’t want to alone. He doesn’t want to be alone. But his father keeps pushing him out and he’s scared —again.)

(It’s alright. His father looked more alive with Violan. Cale can’t take that happiness from him. He just hopes that there will be a place for him in his father’s new family).

Cale still waits for his mother sometimes. Whenever he causes trouble, he keeps on looking for a woman with a kind smile and beautiful red hair. But she never comes. (She’s dead and there’s nothing they can do about it.)

His grief started to mellow out after Lily was born. Cale, Basen (his stepbrother), and his father were standing outside the room when they heard the cries of a baby. Deruth and Basen ran inside the moment a woman said it was alright to enter. Cale was left standing there by the door. He peered in and saw a baby with a tuft of brown hair and chubby little hands.

‘Cute’

Violan saw him standing there and beckoned him to enter. When Cale came closer to them, Lily immediately grabbed his finger with her little hand. Cale felt his heart melt and he swore to protect her. Cale snuck a glance at Basen and he looked as equally as mesmerized. Cale will protect him too.

(Cale thinks that maybe, just maybe, he can start to move on to.)

(A shadow of a woman with beautiful red hair still lingers within him and it chains him to the past.)


Lonely and forgotten

never thought she'd look my way

And she smiled at me and held me

 just like she used to do

Like she loved me

when she loved me


Blood splatted against the floor and Cale smiled.

“Fucker didn’t even finished the job.” Cale’s lips curled up even higher, a crazed look in his eyes. Wouldn’t this be a poetic way to die. Both mother and son’s deaths are connected to that damnable village. Maybe there’s just something between them and that village.

Besides, it’s not like Cale minds dying anyway.

(Cale thinks that he would have died years ago if it weren’t for his promise.)

(And probably Ron.)

Cale tried holding up a blade towards his own heart (—it hurts too much), but Ron somehow managed to stop him. (Ron probably figured out that he’s only acting as trash after that.)

So he tried drowning in alcohol. It’s not suicide if he died because of alcohol poisoning. He was already known as trash anyways, what’s more if he’s known as an alcoholic. This trash act started after one of the nobles insulted Basen for not having his father’s blood. ‘Stupid’, Cale thought when he first heard it.

(Cale just wants people to accept their new family. Even if sometimes he’s not included in it.)

“Cale! Why are you not taking the healing potions?!” Deruth said as he rushed towards Cale. Visibly concerned and worried for his son’s wellbeing.

(Deruth knows his faults. Knows that he failed his son over the years. He’s a coward, he knows. But he can’t just let his son die like this. He can’t. Deruth doesn’t know if he can bear it.)

Cale just frowned and turned his back from him.

“Make Basen the representative.” He demanded from his father. Deruth wants to disagree, but he knows he’ll be fighting a losing battle. He swallowed back his words and just tried to coax Cale into drinking the healing potions.

“Ok, I will send Basen as representative as long as you drink this potions.”

Cale refused to look at him and just went to his bed to sleep. Deruth sighed and left the potions in Cale’s room.

After Deruth left, Cale opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. ‘What will be the point of drinking it?’ Ron and Beacrox left with that black-haired punk. So there’s no servants near him, all of them have been scared away years ago.

He’s finally dying.

‘So this is it then?’

It feels more empty than he first thought it’ll feel like.

There’s no satisfaction nor joy. Desolate.

‘I want my mom’ was Cale’s last thought before he closed his eyes.

.

Somewhere in a field of flowers; there’s a woman singing to her child.

And somewhere out there, she’s smiling at her child with so much love. The child returning back the smile for what is there to complain of, but that he had been loved?

Rejoice! A son came back to his mother.

And all was well for the two of them.

.


When somebody loved me

everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together

lives within my heart

When she loved me