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if we're sinners (then it feels like heaven to me)

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chapter five || a love like this won’t last forever

Previously: She shakes her head, turning away slightly, pushing against his body as he slides out of her, laying on his side, watching as she makes her way out of the room, only returning a minute later with a towel for him. She doesn’t say anything, she just slides into her bed next to him, pulling the sheets up over their naked bodies.

Damn the consequences

[ • MAY 18th, 12:07 AM • ]

[ • MAY 18th, 12:47 AM • ]

She’d been laying there, curled up in the sheets, naked, laying against his body with his arm thrown over her stomach, his breath hot against the back of her neck for forty minutes. Her brain was spinning. Spiraling. She was choking on the weight of what they had done. What she’d asked for. What they’d both decided to do. There wasn’t an innocent party in their previous activities.

She’d stopped silently crying twenty-five minutes ago, and that’s when his arm had snaked around her middle, pulling her body into his firmly. That’s also when her brain had started over-thinking this entire situation. When his arm acted as a seatbelt to his warm body, as though he didn’t want to let her go. Didn’t want to lose her.

“You’re being too loud.” He mumbled, his lips brushing against her skin. She inhaled sharply, resting her hand over his, biting down on her bottom lip. She knew they should probably discuss what had just happened. “Not that I’m complainin’, Liv.”

“You’re married.” She whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Fuck. Elliot. You’re married. And…and we just…shit.”

“Olivia. Stop.” He spoke a little louder, startling her slightly, but he pulled her closer, (as though that were possible, perhaps more firmly would’ve been a better explanation), as though he didn’t want her to escape. Didn’t want her to run. Not that she had anywhere to run, this was her apartment, after all. “Stop overthinking this. Please. I’m begging you. You did nothing wrong, I’m the wrong one. I’m wrong because honestly, I feel like…”

She turned her head, glancing at him from the corner of her eye as he pulled back slightly, allowing her to turn in his arms, her leg resting between his own, her arm in between the two of them, as he rest his arm over her side still, his hand planted on her back. She would feel him there for as long as she lived, she felt. “You feel what? How could I not be wrong, I know you’re married, and I still…I still agreed. I don’t hate your wife, Elliot. Why the hell would I think…”

“Stop.” He moved his arm, his hand resting against her cheek, eyes locked with hers. “I have to be honest with you, Olivia. Every single time I’ve gone home to that house in Queens over the past few years, I felt like I was cheating on you.” He swallows, “How is that even possible?”

She feels her mouth has gone dry, as she allows a strangled sound to escape, eyes tearing up again. She never cries. What the fuck is wrong with her?

“I don’t…I don’t know.” She shakes her head, her face burrowing further into the pillow. “El, you’re my best friend. You know everything about me.” She whispers. “You said you’re done with SVU, which I understand. I do. But…are you done being a Detective?” She asks, hopeful. She’s hopeful that maybe he’ll take a job out in Queens, or Brooklyn, and maybe she’ll run across him sometimes. Maybe he’ll work Homicide. Maybe he’ll take a position that puts him in a different Unit. Maybe he’ll still be around. They just won’t be partners but they can still be friends. “But…are you going to be able to talk to me still?”

“I don’t know. Liv, I don’t know what tomorrow brings. For the first time in my life, I’m scared to death. I shot a teenaged girl. One the same age as Liz.”

“She wasn’t innocent.” Olivia whispers, her hand on his cheek now, “I’m not going to say it again. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I picked you.” He whispers back. “I’ll always pick you over everyone else.”

“You’re full of shit.” Olivia lets out a small laugh. “Because I know, as well as you do, that when you’re done with your interviews with IAB, you’re going to go home, and you’re going to turn into just another man that walks out of my life.”

“I never wanted that, Olivia. That’s why I’m here.”

Why?” She asks, “Why did you come here tonight? I mean, I understand needing company because you don’t want to be alone with the sounds, with the thoughts. But, why come here and – and admit things – when you could’ve just walked the fuck away without a word. It would’ve hurt, but maybe a little less.”

“It wouldn’t hurt less. It would leave you with a million questions, Liv. I’m here because you deserved a goodbye. A proper one. One that lets you know how much you mean, one that tells you that you’re worthy, that everything you felt through the years isn’t in your head.”

“A proper goodbye?” She wants to scream. “This is going to mess me up.” She turns, his hand slides across her face and down to her shoulder as she lays flat on her back. “This is going to mess me up so fucking bad. You’re not going to pick me, you’re going to go back to your family and your kids – and I want to be pissed about it all – I do, but…that’s part of the reason; “ shaking her head, she turns her face to him. “It’s what makes you…you.

“I think…I think we needed this. For us.” He laces his fingers with hers as he moves his face in capturing her lips in a soft kiss. A whimper escapes as she moves her body closer to his, moving her leg from in between his legs to throw it over, thigh resting against his own, opening her up for – additional activities. “We’ve waited long enough to have this, and since our partnership is…”

“Don’t.” she whispers against his lips, trying to stop him from reminding her that he’s not coming back. She’s going to live in denial, she knows this, because it’s easier than facing the facts that he’s leaving. She wants him to choose her. God, she wants that more than she’s ever wanted anything…but she can’t be that woman. She can’t be the one that asks him to choose. She would never. She’d rather have this. Just once. She reaches down between them, stroking him a few times, as they kiss in the quiet of the room.

The rain still pelting against the window. As they stop kissing, she continues hanging onto him, small motions with her wrist, and he’s started moving his hips with her hand’s movements. That’s when he feels her pull him closer, and then she’s connected the two of them again, a small exhale as she adjusts to the position and feel of him. Placing her hand on his face, she just looks at him as he begins moving once more.

It’s a torturously slow pace he’s set, but she doesn’t mind. Not really.

“I was thinking.” her thumb strokes his cheek, eyes still focused on his. “Do you remember the case the second year in our partnership when it was pouring rain and we both looked like drowned rats?”

“You mean the one that Cap made us look like idiots when he cut away at the driver’s license?”

“Yeah, that one.” She moves closer, their lips brushing against one another softly, as she pulls back, she studies him for a moment, biting her bottom lip as he moves down to try to find a better angle in the sheets.

“What about it?”

“I remember glancing over at you, and when I was getting ready to make a wise crack, you made it first, and it made me grin. ‘Police Work’ you said. And…I remember looking at you and thinking how unlucky I was that you and I met in the circumstances we met. If this were any other life- shit, right there. It would’ve been…”

“More like this?” He asks, his fingers lacing through her naturally wavy hair, eyes looking down at the freckles he’s taking inventory of since he’s being allowed the privilege of being this close to her face. He feels like his heart could burst at the proximity of her. Feeling her wrapped around him, feeling what it’s like inside of her. He’s never felt as at home as he does in this moment.

“Yeah.” She agrees, pulling his chest closer to hers, as his hips continue to move languidly. She kisses his shoulder, turning her head so that she’s looking up at the ceiling.

“I can tell you a million times, Liv.”

“I know. I don’t want to hear it, El.” She wraps her arm around his shoulders, holding on tightly. “Just tell me you won’t forget me.”

“I won’t. Couldn’t.”

“I wish –“

“You wish what?” He stops moving for a minute, turning her head to look at him. “What?”

She feels almost hopeful that she could just spit it out, ask him to stay with her. Ask him to move in. Ask him to be hers. But as soon as the words rest on the tip of her tongue she thinks of the curly haired child she helped his wife bring into the world, about the hug they shared in the hospital and she realizes, she could never ask him to leave. But then, she thinks about the day in the courthouse when he told her that Kathy was pregnant. She’d been devastated.

“Just keep going, El. I don’t know what I was going to say.” She swallows the words. She swallows the request.

“You’re a shitty liar, Olivia.” He whispers into her ear, before he pulls her lobe between his teeth, running his tongue along the edge of it, when he lets go, he rests his face against hers, his mouth next to her ear, “I wish I would’ve come to you instead…that night. After the Royce case. I wish I would’ve gone and seen the kids, but then come back to you. It affected you just as much.”

She chokes on the implications. “I don’t know how you do that.”

“Do what, Liv?”

“Know what I’m thinking about.” She whispers against his ear. “I’m never gonna have that again, am I?”

“You’ll always have it, Liv.” He kisses her cheek, his hands traveling down her side and gripping her ass as he begins to move in a more rapid pace, glancing down at her face as she looks up at him, her leg pulling his thigh as he moves next to her. She meets him thrust for thrust.

She thinks of the position they’re currently in. Of the decisions they’ve made tonight, and part of her wants to laugh at the absurdity of the entire damn situation. Their whole partnership had been as though they were standing on the edge of a cliff, watching the waves crash into the rocks below, and only three options had been available. The first, to stand there and allow whatever is chasing after them to capture them and devour them. The second, to fake out the thing chasing after them, by maneuvering down the side of the cliff, while hanging onto a branch and then climbing back up when they felt the thing had disappeared. The third, to jump and hope that they didn’t crash and burn. Their entire partnership, they’ve elected for the second option. Faking out the thing chasing them, - their feelings.  They never took option three, or else she wouldn’t have been able to go to Oregon. But, at the moment, while their bodies moved together in the early hours of the morning beneath the white sheets on her bed, they had selected option one. And even though they were being devoured by the emotions they’d been running from, she felt like she had also taken a leap off the side of the cliff and crashed into the rocks.

As her fingers dug into his skin, she felt herself nearing another orgasm at his pace. Biting down on her bottom lip, she let her body just react to his. There was nothing she could do to prevent it from happening, he seemed to be perfectly in tune with her.

After she felt her walls relax slightly, she felt his thrusts become slightly more erratic as he was nearing his own orgasm. Her leg held him firmly in place as he pushed forward one final time, emptying himself inside. Her eyes felt suddenly heavy from exhaustion as she brought her hand up and rest it against his face, her fingers resting just behind his ear as they moved their faces together, kissing once more, in a quiet, relaxed way. She pushed herself forward a little more firmly, still with him inside of her as she drifted off to sleep.

[ • MAY 18TH, 7:42 AM • ]

Her phone buzzed on the table next to her bed. Rolling her body over, she reached out to find it laying there, squinting in the light of the morning, she groaned as she read the name. “Benson.” She answered, eyes flickering over to Elliot, who had his leg thrown over her body. They’d adjusted sometime in the middle of the night, disconnecting their bodies from one another. “Yeah. I have.” 

His blue eyes opened as he glanced over at her, with her hand in her hair, eyes closed as she listened to the individual on the other end of the line. “I’ll tell him. No, Cap, he stayed on my couch last night.” She lied to Don. Elliot took a deep breath, the only time she’d been good at lying was when it was related to their actions. “Didn’t want to be alone.” She turned her face to him, resting her free hand on his shoulder, tracing his tattoo lazily. “Yes, he’ll be there at ten. I’ll make sure of it. Thanks, Captain. I will. I promise.” She clicked the end call button on the phone and glanced at the time. Biting her lip, she placed the phone back on the nightstand.

“You’re due at IAB at 10.” She informed him, her hand still tracing patterns on his arm, “We’ve got time.”

She didn’t have to say anything else, because that was all the permission he needed, as he moved over her, her legs opening for him as he situated himself over her once more as he kissed his way up to her mouth.

[ • MAY 18TH, 12:49 PM • ]

Sitting outside of One PP, she had her face tilted up toward the sky, taking in the warm sunlight. They’d somehow managed to arrive on time for his additional interviews after having sex once more in bed and then again on the bathroom floor, before their quick shower. She was sipping on her cup of coffee, when she felt him sit down next to her, glancing over at him, she saw the way he was sitting.

“El, it’s going to be okay.” She reassured him, wanting to reach out and interlace their hands, but resisting it – because they were in public, and she knew that Kathy’s cousin worked in Central Booking, a mile up the street.

“Let’s just…go back to your place, Liv.” he shakes his head. “Please.”