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if we're sinners (then it feels like heaven to me)

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Chapter Four || I don’t care if we fall from grace


 

Previously: “So, let’s go.” She pulls him over to the couch. “Kiss me again, Elliot. I want to know. I want to…” She bit the corner of her bottom lip. “I want to know for sure.” She sat down, and he sat next to her, his hand finding its way back to her cheek again as their lips met once more. In order to deepen the kiss, he tilted her back, against the cushion, his other hand trailing up her side, underneath their hoodie as she let out a tiny moan.

He knew then, that whatever happened between them this night would always be paramount to whatever came next.


They lay like that, on the couch, making out for what seemed like hours, hands, lips, tongues exploring one another in a completely innocent and unrushed manner, almost like they were lovers that had done this very dance a million times over. Her heart was beating out of her chest and she could barely catch her breath as Elliot kissed his way from her mouth, along her jaw, down the length of her neck. She placed her hand on the back of his head, pressing his face further into her skin.

He looked over the freckles on her chest, his fingers softly moving against the soft skin of her stomach, and he smiled against her breastbone when he felt her muscles clench as his hand gripped her side. Her long legs were wrapped around his thighs as she trailed her hand up his arm, appreciating the muscles that flinched underneath her touch. She loved this man. She loved him with such intensity that nothing else mattered in this moment.

Grabbing the zipper between his teeth, with the finesse of someone that had done it a million times (she wasn’t going to ask if he had or hadn’t…didn’t even care at the moment), he pulled it down until he was met with the outline of her more generous cleavage. His eyes hadn’t been immune to stealing glances every now and then through the years, when she would wear a low-cut top, or if they were working undercover and she had worn dresses that put her best assets on display.

They’d changed sometime during the eight year of their partnership. He wasn’t sure what the change had been, but being the father of three girls, he suspected it had something to do with Olivia’s change in birth control method. He might have been Catholic, but sometimes, like this moment, he wasn’t a very good Catholic.

He was a lucky son-of-a-bitch to have been partnered with such an exquisite woman. His hands moved further up her sides as his thumbs brushed the underside of her breasts eliciting a moan from her and he felt it, when she inhaled sharply.

His mouth traveled back up between her breasts as his lips continued planting soft kisses along her freckled skin. She tilted her head back once more and that’s when he nipped at her neck, teeth raking against the smooth, sensitive skin his mouth traveling back along her jaw to her lips. As their mouths met once more, they both let out a moan at the same time, her fingers trailing up his spine underneath his shirt.

Separating their lips was a challenge, because now that he’d tasted her mouth, he didn’t want to stop. She tightened her legs around him as her arms held him in place, their eyes connecting as she was searching his blue eyes for answers.

What the hell were they doing here?

“El.” She moaned out, lip tucked between her teeth, eyes searching his face wildly, looking for an out.

“No, stop thinking, Olivia.” His hand had moved from underneath the sweatshirt and brushed her hair back from her face, wrapping one of the strands around his finger as he twirled it. “You’re beautiful, and fucking amazing.”

“You don’t have to try to woo me, Stabler.” She whispered, her thumb tracing his jawline. “We’re way beyond that at this point.”

“Liv, as much as I’m enjoying this making out on the couch – I meant it when I said I wanted to worship every single inch of you. Can we – move this elsewhere?”

Her large brown eyes were studying him, and he could see her arousal in the fact that her iris had all but disappeared, the normally warm chocolate color suddenly onyx. Her chest was getting flushed, as she nodded. “Yeah. Let’s…take this elsewhere.”

[ • MAY 17th • 10:23 PM • ]

Her heart was pounding out of her chest, and if this were any other circumstance, she would’ve put the brakes on. She would stop this all, before it exploded. But she knew. She knew. This was goodbye, and she wasn’t quite ready to face the darkness that was staring both of them in the face. This was something that had to be resolved. Needed to be resolved. So they could both move on with their lives. One last thing to remember.

With the sweatshirt unzipped, he slid off of her, reaching down and pulling her up. As her feet hit the floor, he reached around, pulling her back into him for another kiss. His hands trailed down her back, up underneath the gray material and back down again. Bracing his hands underneath the curve of her ass, right at the top of her thighs, he lifts her easily into his arms, as she wraps her arm around his neck. Their kisses are slow, passion-filled kisses, as he walks around the large white column in her living room at the edge of her couch, and toward her room.

As they stood at the edge of her bed, she slid her legs down, landing her feet on the floor, as they separated their kisses, he watched as she unzipped the hoodie the rest of the way, watching as the gray material fell into a puddle onto the floor. As his eyes trailed back up, he was met with the sight of her bare chest staring back at him. The culmination of every daydream he’d ever had then yelled at himself for.

She stared up at him, her lips swollen, face flushed, eyes dilated and he stared down at her, she was perfect. Breathtaking. Stunning. Beautiful.

His body seemed to react all by itself, because the next thing he knew his arms were wrapped around her back, and he was lowering her down onto the edge of her mattress. Kissing his way down her neck, down over her chest, relishing in the feeling of her hands on the back of his head and neck. As he moved back up to kiss just below her ear, trying to get that sound she had just made a few minutes ago to come out again, she gripped the edge of his t-shirt and pulled it up, they separated long enough for her to ball it up and toss it to the floor. Their lips crashed back together as her legs wrapped more firmly around him.

His hands trailed down her sides, fingertips ghosting over her skin, leaving in their wake a trail of goosebumps.

Her fingers moved over his skin, trailing over his ribs, down his side, until her hands slid under the waistband of his sweatpants as she squeezed his ass. Without even considering what she was really doing, and appreciating the feeling of his hands on her skin, she pushed the sweatpants down off of his body with her feet. It was easy.

Suddenly she broke out of her lust-induced reverie as she realized that he wasn’t wearing any briefs or boxers beneath the sweatpants. She felt him…all of him pressed against her bare thigh. The air in her chest halted as she suddenly met his eyes. His hands had traveled down, hooking on the waistband of her shorts as they maintained the eye contact, both breathless in that moment.

“Liv…”

She lifted her hips up slightly so he could pull the shorts down. “Yes.” She nodded, quietly. Barely audible. “Just…yes.” Her hand rested against his face as he pushed the shorts down, pulling back enough to discard them onto the floor with the rest of their clothes. With her legs cradling him, he looked down into her face.

She was everything he’d ever dreamed of. Everything. And she was naked, and he was naked and they were laying in a position they’d never found themselves in before. Everything was changing. Everything. But he was leaving. God, he was leaving. But he didn’t want to leave her. He never wanted to leave her.

She would never ask him to stay. She knew this in her heart. She couldn’t do that. She’d made him promise that this wouldn’t happen and then he would just stay. She was letting him go. But she wanted this one selfish thing for herself. For him. For them. He could do this and then walk away. It would hurt less in the long-run.

That’s the lie she was telling herself as she felt his hand travel between the two of them, fingers testing to see if she was ready.

Shit, Liv.” He whispered, fingers trailing through her generous arousal that was evident, his fingers slid up, touching her sensitive labia as he wrapped his hand around his shaft, lining himself up. With one final glance into her face, and a nod from her, he pushed forward slowly.

Feeling him push into her, she let out a sound of surprise at how she was stretching to fit him, at how he moved so gently into her, as though each painstaking inch was another layer to the barriers they’d built between the two of them throughout their partnership. Once he was fully situated she gripped his shoulders tightly, bringing her face up to rest between his neck and shoulder, hot breath traveling across his skin. Breasts pressed against his chest.

With a movement, he pulled out slightly then pushed back into her and she bit down on her lip, dropping back down onto the pillow, as she looked up at him. This man she trusted with her life for the last thirteen years. She’d always trust him with her life. As he began to move, after checking in to see if she was okay, she wrapped her legs around his body, fingers traveling up and down warm skin.

She kept repeating to herself. Damn the consequences.

She was going to remember this. She wanted to remember this. She wanted to remember the heartache that comes with what they were doing, what he was going to do when all this was over. She wanted to remember the moment, maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but the next day after when he would tell her he had to go. She wanted to remember how it was going to feel when she breaks down into tears because he’s not there next to her. She wanted to remember how it felt to be loved, even if it’s just for a night or two, by the man she’s already given her heart to.

Damn the consequences. She thinks, as he thrusts more forcefully into her, whispering how he loves her. She closes her eyes as she allows her body to feel everything. She wants to remember this.

She wants to remember what it feels like to be whole…even for a little while.

Damn the consequences.

He’s hitting all the right places, in her heart, soul, body. She pulls him down closer to her, their lips meeting again, mouths searching for one another as her mouth opens slightly, the sounds of their bodies joining penetrating the silence of the room. It begins to rain outside and she hears the drops hitting against the window as her mattress’ springs squeak slightly and she begins to chuckle lightly, but then he hits the one spot and his fingers trail down between them, rubbing small circles and she can feel her orgasm approaching.

As the walls begin to flutter around him, he looks into her eyes. “Liv – I’m -…”

“Don’t pull out. Elliot. Don’t.” She whispers, her lips meeting with the sweaty skin on his shoulder. That’s when he gives one final thrust and she feels it. She feels all of him, and they both fall. He’s laying half over her, still connected to her, but on his elbows so that she’s not crushed beneath him, but what a way to go.

“Liv.” He whispers, planting soft kisses on the side of her face, and she allows herself to cry beneath him. “Hey.” He’s whispering so softly to her, his hand on the side of her face, pushing her hair out of the way. “It’s okay.”

“I love you, Elliot.” She whispers, her heart breaking in her chest. How she ever thought they could do this and she could let go, she’ll never figure out. She’ll never know. She’ll never understand.

“I love you, Liv. I do. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t go. Don’t go.” She whispers, tears falling freely, as he wipes them away with his thumb.

“I’m not going anywhere, not tonight. I can’t leave you. I have to know you’re alive. I have to – Liv, I can’t go yet.”

“I’m not going to survive this, Elliot.”

“You will.” He whispers, his blue eyes watering as he studies her face in the dim light of the room, the rain falling against the window leaving trails. “You will because you’re a total badass, and you’ll have a beautiful life, Olivia. You’re going to do amazing things. You’re going to survive this.”

She shakes her head, turning away slightly, pushing against his body as he slides out of her, laying on his side, watching as she makes her way out of the room, only returning a minute later with a towel for him. She doesn’t say anything, she just slides into her bed next to him, pulling the sheets up over their naked bodies.

Damn the consequences.

[ • MAY 18th, 12:07 AM • ]