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Underneath the Lights

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What was she doing here?

She shouldn’t be here.  Olivia took a deep breath and checked her watch.  It was nine fourty-five Christmas Eve. 

What was she doing here? 

She should be at home… with Noah.  Thank God for Carisi offering to look after him when she had to call Amanda in.

He had already been at Amanda’s.  There for the girls.  For Christmas.  But the look between the two of them after Olivia kissed Noah goodbye…  She knew that look, but Amanda tried to cover it up as they left the apartment.

Yea… she’d have to be blind to not see what was between them.  They were both kidding themselves to think no one knew about them.  It had been obvious from the beginning that Carisi had felt something for her.  Everyone could tell.  Except Amanda.  It sure took her long enough to see it… and then longer to do anything about it.  He was good for her.  Someone reliable… someone who knew her…inside and out… all the baggage… and who saw her.

Elliot’s face flashed through her mind.

Oh God… what was she doing here.

Olivia ran her hands through her hair and took another deep breath.

She remembered a time when she would have given anything just to see him one more time… see his face… his blue eyes… the ones that knew her better than she knew herself.

That’s what this was.  He had come back into her life and now she just… missed him.  She had spent so much time telling herself she didn’t miss him.  She didn’t need him.  She didn’t want to see him again… and it had all been a lie.  She had been lying to herself for ten years.  Whatever made it easier to try to let go… to try to move on.  And the second she heard his voice saying her name on the street that night, the glass walls around her shattered.

And now had been too long since she had seen him last.  That’s all this was.  She was sure of it.  Maybe it was just him checking in with her.  Letting her know he was ok.  It was an odd time, but he was undercover.  Maybe tonight was the only night he could get away to let her know he was still ok.  That was all this was.  She had to keep repeating that in her head otherwise she might just fall apart.

She closed her eyes and tried to control her breathing.  It was all this was… nothing else… because it couldn’t be anything else.  She needed it to be this… because if it was something else…

Olivia felt her pulse quicken.  It couldn’t be anything more than that.  The last time she saw him in his apartment after their big sting, she had read all his signals wrong.  The way he called her partner… how quickly he had believed her about her instinct about Eli, when in the past he would always shut her out of dealing with his kids.  And how he had wanted to walk her out through the garden, which was clearly a longer way. 

And she thought they had a moment… when she finally said what she was feeling… she wanted him to come home.

She wanted him to come home.  Not just… come home.  She… wanted him to come home.  To come home to her.

She was trying to tell him in a subtle way… she wanted him.  And before she knew it her hand was on his neck, her thumb on the side of his face.  She had touched him in a way she had never allowed herself to touch him before and when she realized it, she had quickly removed her hand.  And then after she told him her worry for losing him in his UC… she had leaned in the slightest bit… and he had backed up.  She had read him wrong.

After he had come to her apartment, drugged… reaching out for her, they hadn’t spoke about it or the things he told her while he was there.  As much as she would like to think they had changed… she had changed… they had slipped right back into their old habit of never really saying what they wanted to.  Out loud anyway.  And she had thought, maybe…

…it will always be you and I…

It was still ringing in her ears.  Every time she thought about Elliot, or worried about him being undercover… those words creeped into her mind, and it was all she could think about.

And then there was his voicemail.  He had called her three times, left no messages, and then he had called again… and finally left one.  He had told her thank you… for everything she had done for him… for the kids… his kids, but he hadn’t referred to them that way.  He had told her that she was his rock…. And then had been cut off when he was about to say something about the day he told her I love you.

He had called again after that but didn’t leave a message.  It almost sounded like he was saying goodbye to her… like he knew he might not make it out alive of this UC and he tried to tell her sober how he felt.

She had replayed that message as many times as she had read that letter.  The letter that he didn’t write except for the last line.

And she thought… maybe….

Maybe he did feel about her the way she had always felt about him.  But then he had pulled away.  So, he couldn’t feel the same way.  He wasn’t… he didn’t…

Her mind couldn’t finish any of those thoughts because it hurt too much.  It sent a blinding pain throughout her mind and heart and soul to think about him rejecting her again.  She wouldn’t survive that again.  She had barely survived it the first time.

She sighed.  She was again… lying to herself.  She hadn’t survived it.  She had just learned how to hide it and keep living.  Living without the half of her he took when he left.

She thought everything that had happened between them since he had come back… and all his actions… his words… they were clearly not in line with what he wrote in that letter… except the last line.  And now knowing he didn’t write that.  Knowing he didn’t think that what they had wasn’t real… it meant he knew it was.

He was sending her mixed signals all over the place… and it was sending her head spinning.

But, when he had texted her to meet from his own cell phone, and not through Bell, she had jumped at the chance.

Now here she was, sitting at the little diner he told her to meet him at.  The only diner in the city that would be open this late on Christmas Eve.


Always waiting.

She had been waiting for ten years.

In all honesty… it was closer to twenty.

He had texted her at around nine.  She had sent Amanda home and told her she wouldn’t be far behind her to come and pick up Noah.  There was paperwork to be done, but the truth was Elliot had texted her.  And she needed to see him.  As much as she didn’t want to be that girl, as much as she wasn’t that girl… she would always be there for him.  Even when she had been mad at him, furious even, she had always been there.  Even when he had hurt her more than anyone had ever hurt her and then showed back up… she had been there for him.

She sighed and looked at her watch again.  She took another sip of her coffee and looked out the window.

It was beautiful outside.  Cold as hell, but beautiful none the less.  The streets were covered in snow.  It clung to everything.  Every ledge, windowsill, tree and brownstone were covered with snow.  The lights on the street were hazy from the snow falling softly down out of the sky.  Ice was forming on the edges of the window, making beautiful and unique crystals.

It was just… beautiful.  Romantic even…

Olivia pinched her eyes shut and swallowed.  What was she doing here?  She could feel her stomach twist, and the sadness she knew all too well seep into her chest.  Why did she keep doing this to herself? 

Just as she was going to pull her phone out to text Amanda that she was on her way to pick up Noah, she heard the bells jingle on the door of the diner.  Her heart stopped at the sound and her eyes looked up.

And there he was.

Chapter Text

He was late.  He knew he was late.  He hoped she would still be there.  He had texted her around nine and asked if she could meet him at the little diner they always went to after a stakeout, and now it was almost nine forty-five.

He was honestly surprised she even answered him.  The last few times they had met… well they hadn’t been under the easiest circumstances.  And he promised her he’d be ok and check in, which he did… but recently it had been through Bell.

But tonight, he had a small window of time.  The KO has taken rare time off for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  They were told to spend time with their families because New Years was going to be a “busy time” for them.  Elliot tried not to get too caught up in what exactly that may mean for him and just focus on the present.

Elliot had jumped at the chance to return home to see Eli and his other children and his mother.  But something else was nagging at him.  More than nagging at him.  The same something that kept him up at night…every night… filled his dreams… filled his dreams for the last twenty-three years… and owned his heart.


He knew he should have gone home after he checked in with Bell and told her the deal.  He knew he would probably be intruding on her time with her son, it was Christmas Eve after all.  But before he knew what he was doing, he was texting her to meet him from his phone, and not his burner.  And she had surprised him by responding.  They must have caught a case and she had already been out.

He had spent ten Christmas’s away from her… ten birthdays… ten New Year’s… ten of every holiday… and he just couldn’t spend one more not seeing her.  Before he left, he had probably spent more holidays with her than with his own family.  And part of him regretted that, but a part deep down inside him… a part he kept locked away in his soul, looked forward to seeing her on holidays.  Knowing he would inevitably get called in… and he would get to see her.

He wasn’t sure what it was about the holidays, but everything just seemed… more beautiful.  She always seemed more beautiful.  She was stunning every day… even on the toughest of days, if he was being honest with himself, but on the holidays… there was something else.  Something else on her face, and in her eyes… that just took his breath away.  It gave him warmth… it felt like… coming home… or… maybe….  Well, he wasn’t exactly sure what it was, or where it came from, but he was damn sure he wasn’t going to go another Christmas without seeing it.  Without seeing her.

Even if it was selfish… and he knew he didn’t deserve her… to see her, to have a moment with her… or her forgiveness.  But somehow, she had found a willingness in her heart to offer him a chance at it.  That was Olivia Benson.  A true and kind heart. 

He didn’t deserve her.

And recently he had been all over the map.  But after their last meeting… in his apartment… something changed.

It had taken him by surprised how… open she was with telling him how she felt.  How natural she was in his apartment… talking with his mother.  Like she had always been there.  He had been shocked when her hand touched his skin, and he did everything in his power to not jump from the electricity she sent coursing through his veins.

And then she had lingered… leaned in almost… and it scared the hell out of him.  He wanted so badly to crush his lips to hers… to take her and pull her to him.  To take her breath away like she had always done to him… but he had been gun-shy.  He saw the look in her face as she walked away from him.  Maybe his reaction had sent her a different signal… but he was going to make it right.  He was going to let her know… in no uncertain terms that he wanted her.

He wanted her in his life… he wanted her in every way she’d let him.  And he’d do whatever it took to prove that to her.  If she wanted him.

The thought of her maybe not wanting him had a tight grip in his gut at the moment, but he was tired of playing this game.  A game they had played for years.  Now he could play for the win.  And if she decided to end the game or call a stale mate… well he would just have to deal with that if it happened.


He was holding out hope that if he had any luck left in his life… it would be for this… for her.

He opened the door to the diner, grateful to be out of the cold and shook his coat off, stomping his feet a little to get the snow off.  He looked up quickly to see if she was there.

He was met with her beautiful brown eyes, and he felt the cold leave his body.  He didn’t know when Olivia had become the sun in his world, but somewhere along the way she had.  And her light was the brightest… the warmest… most significant light in his life.

A tiny little smirk came across her face.  The same one he’d seen a thousand times.  One he knew like the back of his hand.  One that every time he was met with it, even over something mundane or everyday like when he used to place her cup of coffee on her desk, it made his breath hitch.

He felt his heart flutter.

Time had been good to her.  She was beautiful… glowing.  How he had spent a decade away from her he’d never understand now.  He regretted leaving her every single day.

Every day.

How could he be in this world, know her… have her as his partner for twelve years… and live without her.

It seemed foreign to him now.  Like the past decade was a hazy dream that now he couldn’t remember.

He moved towards their table.  Of course, she would be sitting at their table.  It warmed his soul to feel the comfort and nostalgia of meeting her here like they had so many times before.  He took off his coat and took his seat across from her.

“Hey…” he said, suddenly unsure of what to do now.

“Hey…” she said moving her cup to her lips.

He watched as her lips made contact with the cup and he had never been more jealous of a dish in his life.

She took a sip and licked her lips as she put her cup back down on the table, and her eyes went to his.

He couldn’t help but let a soft smile slip onto his face.

 They both sat there for a moment… just looking at each other.  And for a second his mind flashed back twenty-three years ago when he sat across from her and had both gotten lost in each other’s eyes.

She softly smiled back, and he knew she was thinking of the same memory.  He could see it in her eyes.  Then she looked down, and he swore he saw a slight flush in her cheeks.  She took a deep breath and arched her eyebrow.

She gazed back at him, and it sent a shiver down his spine. 

“You look cold…” she said sliding her warm mug of coffee to him.

He smiled and quietly laughed.  As he reached out for her offer, their fingertips brushed one another, and it sent another shiver through him.  One he knew she felt as well.

He paused a second to look into her eyes before he brought the cup to his mouth...  He saw her gaze drop to his lips… and a hidden smirk crossed his face thinking about how he had just done the same thing.

He took a sip setting the cup back down.  American coffee was horrible to him now, but he’d never refuse anything from her.  Especially if she was sharing it with him.

“So, you wanted to see me?” She asked wanting to know why he had texted her late on Christmas Eve no doubt.  He was clearly he too wrapped up in gawking at her to remember there was a reason he had contacted her. 

“Uh yes… yes… I wanted…” he paused suddenly tongue tied.  He took a deep breath… just be honest he thought.  No more mix signals.

“Well first… I wanted to let you know… I heard what you said to me at my apartment.  I promise you… I’ll come home.”

To you if you’ll let me… he thought.

“And I also wanted to let you know the KO has taken a few days off from being criminals…” he said a sarcastic tone in his voice, “…Holidays…” he said and gestured with the raising of his shoulders.

“So, I’ll be home…” he paused for a second then added, “At my apartment for Christmas.”

“Oh well that’s great Elliot.  I’m glad you could spend this time with your kids and Bernie.” She looked away and swallowed before she made eye contact again with him.  “They need you…” she said.

I need you too… she thought in her head.

Olivia looked around like she was ready to get up thinking that must just be what he wanted to tell her, and he could have just texted her that.

She started to open her mouth to say something, and Elliot decided to lay his cards down before he chickened out and let her walk out that door.

“There’s something else… I didn’t ask you to meet me here just to tell you something I could have texted…” he said pursing his lips together and taking another big breath.  He looked back up into her eyes, and he could see the questions there.  She had a wary look about her now.  She too feared what he might say.  Things had been every which way between them since he had come back, and it was mostly his fault.  He didn’t blame her for her cautious look.

“I just… I wanted…” God, he was bumbling around his words and his feelings.  Why was this so hard.  He felt heat creep under his skin and his heart was slowly starting to pound in his ears.

He reached out and took her hand in both of his… holding it tight.  And just like that the world stilled.  Suddenly it felt like they were the only two on the planet and his thoughts became clear.

“I missed you Liv…” he said.  And it was the truth.  As pure as the snow falling outside.

He could tell she was still being careful with her facial expressions, but she didn’t pull her hand out of his.  She let him hold it.  He could see her breathing had quickened.  It was nice to know he still had an effect on her.

“I don’t want to intrude on your plans with your son for Christmas… but I just… I couldn’t go another Christmas without seeing you… “ he trailed off.  He could see her eyes becoming glassy.

“Well…” she said, her voice a high whisper.  “I’ve been right where you left me…”

He felt the sharp burn in his heart and chest.  He deserved that.  They had come back a few times, for the holidays to see his children, and yet he hadn’t reached out to her then.  He had been a coward and just let the time keep passing by.

She had been dangerous to him the entirety of their partnership… it was… complicated.  And something stopped him every time they were home from calling her.


It was fear.  He knew if he saw her again after he left, he wouldn’t return to Rome.  Which meant a lot of things… things he couldn’t deal with then.  And so much time had passed since he had left… he just felt like he couldn’t reach out.  It was stupid, he knew, but… he wasn’t afraid anymore.

There was nothing he could say accept to agree with her.  She was right.

He nodded his head, feeling the heaviness of her words, and the sharp slice of regret it sent into his stomach.

“Yes… you have… and I’m sorry Liv… I’ll never stop being sorry for that.”

She looked down at their hands and looked back up.  He could tell from her facial expression she wasn’t going to dwell on it.  For some reason he felt like she knew he would do it for the both of them.  And it wasn’t her style to hold a grudge.  Her silence spoke volumes to him.  Their unspoken communication just another testament to how inextricably they were connected on every level.

Her eyes softened and he could still see a hint of pain mixed in with the warmth of her look.  He was determined to erase her pain, no matter how long it or how hard it would be.

“I don’t know what you and Noah have planned for tomorrow… but I want to invite you to come ice skating with us…” El said, pausing to gauge her reaction.

“I didn’t know you could ice skate?” she said with a little grin on her face.

Elliot laughed.  “Yea, well I can’t so at the very least we can bet on how many times I fall on my ass.”

Olivia laughed at his humorous comment.

“My mom really wants to go down to Rockefeller Center with Eli and see the tree and the lights.  I figured it’s the least I can do.  We’d really love to have you and Noah come with.” Elliot said, lifting his eyebrows slightly, hoping her answer would be yes.

“Well… I…” Olivia started to say, trying to figure out how she felt about this.  It would be the first official time he would meet Noah.  She wanted to introduce them months ago, but things had been so shaky and… complicated between them she thought it was best to wait for a better time.

“Please Liv… tell me I don’t have to go back to my mom and tell her you said no… she really wants you and Noah there…” he paused and took a breath before he said out loud what he would usually say in his head, “I really want you there Liv…” he finished as he softly brushed his thumb back and forth along the side of her hand.

He heard her take a breath in and her eyes shot to their hands on the table and then quickly back up to his.  He held her gaze, seeing the years flash through her mind, knowing they had never really done anything like this… together.  This was something personal.  Spending time together outside of work… because they could… because he wanted to.

“That’s sweet of you to ask, and of Bernie, but Elliot… you should be spending it with your family… I don’t want to intrude…” she said softly.

“Liv… you are my family.  Christmas is about spending time with… with the people you love…” he said.  He could feel himself standing on the edge of a cliff… he was ready to free fall into that parallel universe.  The one where it will always be him and Olivia and make it reality.

He saw her cheeks flush, and her breathing quicken.  He had seen this look on her face before.  It was the same one he saw staring back at him when he blurted out he loved her at the intervention.

He could tell she was grappling with the meaning behind what he just said and looking for what to say.  He just needed her to say yes.  The ache in chest of having her back in his life and not seeing her on Christmas… not spending time with her in these next days that were given to him would be soul crushing.

But he knew it had to be her decision.  He had no leg to stand on to demand anything, or to try to persuade her into something.  This had to be on her terms.  He owed her at least that.

“So… what do you say?” he asked, trying his best not to plead.

Her eyes were a little glassy and she pulled at her bottom lip with her teeth.  Then she made his heart soar when she softly smiled and nodded her head.

“Yes… Noah and I would love to…”

Elliot let out a huge sigh.  A sigh of relief followed by a genuine smile.  On he felt like he hadn’t used in quite a long time.  He felt like he could breathe again.

“I’ll call you tomorrow and we can figure out what time and everything.” He said.  His heart was full.  He was going to officially meet Noah… and spend time with Olivia on Christmas.  He felt like this was a giant leap they were taking.  And it felt good.

“Oh… before I forget…” Elliot said letting go of her hand to grab his coat.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d say yes to ice skating, so I brought this with me just in case.  I figured since its just you and me right now I’d give it to you.”

Olivia tilted her head watching him dig through his coat and pull a small red leather box out of his pocket and hold it out to her.

Her mouth opened the slightest bit, and she had a questioning look on her face.

“Elliot… what is this?” she said, not taking the box.

“It’s your Christmas present Liv.” He said and placed it in front of her.

“Elliot… you didn’t have to do this…” she said making a concerned face.

“I know… just… just open it ok.” he said placing his elbows on the table bringing his hands together under his chin, a small smile forming on his face.

Olivia paused for a second looking into his eyes knowing she’d have no other option but to open it, and then sighed, and looked down at the box.  She picked it up and flipped open the top.

A small gasp came out of her mouth.

“Oh Elliot…” she whispered.

Inside the jewelry box was a beautiful gold necklace.  The pendent hanging on the end looked like three triangles woven together and in the middle of it was a brilliant blue gemstone.

Olivia looked up at Elliot, her eyes wide.  She looked a little starry eyed.

“Do you like it?” he asked.

“It’s beautiful…” she said touching it with her fingertips.  “But Elliot… you shouldn’t have.”

“Do you know what it is?” he said, and he knew after her told her what it was and what it meant, his intentions would be as clear as glass.

She shook her head, unsure and a little nervous for the explanation.

“I saw this symbol a lot all throughout Europe.  I asked a colleague one day what it was.  He told me it’s a trinity knot.  It’s used a lot for religious purposes to represent the Holy Trinity… but… it also represents relationships…” he said pausing for a second to look down at the necklace.

“You see the arcs are all the same size, meaning no one arc is less important… Past… present… and future…  They are all equal.  And it has no beginning and no end.  It’s …eternal.”

He looked up and saw the tears briming in her eyes.  His heart was beating so hard in his chest as he remembered the day he learned about this symbol and the only thing he ever saw or thought of after that moment when he found one was Olivia.

She was his past… his present… and his future.


He felt his emotions start to swell in his chest, and he cleared his throat to continue.

“The gemstone in the middle is a sapphire.  They represent loyalty… and faithfulness.”

“A few years ago, I had to go to Venice for a job… I had a jeweler there make this for you.  I hoped one day… I’d get to give it to you.”

He saw a tear slip down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away.  She looked down at the necklace and slid her hand over her heart.  When she finally looked back up at him, more silent tears falling, she said something that melted his heart and made him whole again.

“I love it El…”

He felt tears of his own brimming across his eyes now.  She had called him El.  His nickname rolling off her tongue was the most beautiful sound in the world.  Before he knew it, he stood up and was moving to her side of the table taking the necklace out of the box for her.

“Here let me…” he said trying to pull himself back together.  He undid the clasp and she moved her long beautiful hair so he could put her gift on for her.  His hands lingered for a second, and he let his fingertips brush the nape of her neck.  He felt goosebumps ripple across her skin and heard her take in a sharp breath.

He suppressed every instinct he had to turn her face to him and kiss her.  He didn’t want to move too fast, but he felt like they had wasted so much time already.  He had wasted too much time.  And he was ready now.  He was ready to hold her… kiss her… love her in every way he had always wanted to for what seemed like his whole life.

But they were on the right path now.  He could feel it.  He just… knew it.

He went to sit back down across from her, his mind racing… his blood rushing, but Olivia’s phone chimed before he made it back to his seat.

“It’s Rollins… I’d better go.” She said looking at the time.  It was almost midnight.  She started to get up.

“Carisi offered to watch Noah and Amanda’s two girls when we got called in.”

“Of course…” Elliot said, and grabbed her coat for her, helping her into it.  He turned to look at Olivia.

“Are they… a thing?” Elliot asked.

Olivia laughed.  “Well… they think no one knows…” she paused looking into his eyes.

He stilled seeing something different in them now.  They were bright and shining.  The light of his life.  It took his breath away.

“But I can tell.  Somethings… you just know.” She said, her voice lower.  He knew she meant something else with those last words.  The deeper meaning behind it.  It sent a shiver down his spine.

He took a deep breath in as he put his coat on and followed her out the door.

It was still snowing softly.  Little snowflakes were catching in her long hair, and he simply sighed and looked at her.  There was no one on the street.  The city was quiet.  The streetlights were glowing softly.  It was like their own private winter wonderland.

“See you tomorrow?” Elliot asked as they stood there enjoying the quiet peace.

“Wouldn’t miss it…” Olivia said as she started to turn and walk towards her car.

Just then a church’s bell tolled.

It was midnight.

It was Christmas.

“Liv…” Elliot said, and Olivia stopped in her tracks.  He closed the distance between them.

“Merry Christmas…” he said as he grabbed her arm and pulled her into him… crashing his lips to hers.

Chapter Text

Elliot Elliot Elliot….

Elliot Stabler was kissing her.  Olivia couldn’t believe this was happening.  All she could think was his name… all she could feel, smell… taste… was Elliot.  He surrounded her… she was drowning in him and yet it was as if she was taking a full deep breath in for the first time in ten years.

His lips were soft at first, savoring… then they became hungry.  They took her lips, branding them… owning them… as if they were the only ones who ever did… and truthfully they were.

Then she felt his hand slide up her jaw and his fingers weaved into her hair finding their rightful place at the nape of her neck, keeping her welded to him.  And it was as if her brain finally switched back on.  She was a part of this nuclear explosion and she wanted to get involved.   She reacted by opening her mouth against his and found him more than willing to let her take them deeper.  She swore she felt the concrete shift beneath them.

As her tongue slid in his mouth, her hands moved to the buttons of his coat.  She felt a vibration start deep in his chest as her hands moved inside looking for those hard planes of muscle and finding their rightful place in the dip of his lower back.  He growled in her mouth when she fisted her fingers in his shirt and pulled him to her.

He moved with her hands, pushing her backward until she was up against her car.  This time it was her turn to moan into their kiss feeling him pressed up against her body.  It wasn’t enough though.  She needed more.  Her mind was spinning… was this real?

Had any of this night been real?

She was starting to feel lightheaded and then when she felt his hands move from the base of her neck and arm, moving down, unzipping her coat, snaking inside and then sliding over her ribs she thought her heart might stop.  When he stopped there and squeezed tenderly, she knew this was real.  The reaction his hands caused on her was unlike anything she had ever experienced.  It felt right and overwhelming and alarming in absolutely the best way possible. 

All she could think was how long she had waited for this moment.  And it was better than she could have possibly imagined.

He sent pure heat all over her body.  She felt more alive than she ever had… her heart was pounding, and her ears were burning hot.  Her body trembled when his thumbs rubbed the sides of her ribs, his fingers wrapping around and gripping her back.

She had dreamed about this.



His hands gripping her and pulling her to him, him pushed up against her.  His heat and warmth spreading over her.  His tongue sliding against hers, neither one fighting for dominance, but perfectly working in unison to drive each other mad.

Always so in sync…

She felt a small smile curve her lips up as she kissed him thinking about all the other ways she knew they would be absolutely in sync.

She was dying for air, but she just couldn’t tear her lips away from his.  She couldn’t get over her need to keep tasting him on her tongue.  But she knew if she didn’t break their kiss, she may just faint with the want of it all, and she needed a moment.  She needed to put her feet back on the ground and look at him… and see him… and cement this memory in her mind.

Reluctantly she pulled her lips from his and placed her forehead to his.  Their breath between them was hot and heavy, causing a fleeting cloud of steam between them.

She looked up at him and was met with the most beautiful vibrant blue eyes staring back at her.  Those brilliant deep pools of blue she missed so desperately for ten years.  In an instant every close call they ever had, every lingering moment, every significant piece of time they shared flashed like lightning in her mind, and she was caught in a moment of clarity.

It was a moment of truth.

He loved her.

She could see it… she could feel it.

And she loved him.  She loved him throughout their partnership and had loved him every day in those ten years apart.  Even when she tried to hate him, she still loved him.  She knew then she would spend the rest of her life in love with him.  She honestly never thought he’d come back.  Yet here they were… on Christmas… standing in the abandoned, silent, snowy streets of New York, wrapped in each other’s arms.

It was so… perfect… it was so… them.

And now that he had crossed… well more like crashed through those barriers they had set in place more than two decades ago, she couldn’t go back.  She didn’t want to go back.  She could never go back.

She wanted this.

She wanted this and wanted him so much it shook her to her core.  She had spent most of her adult life pushing down these feelings and telling herself to get over it… get over him and move on.  And now…

Now she had the chance to have everything she’d ever wanted.  And she wasn’t going to let it pass her by.

She felt tears well in her eyes, and she brought her right hand to her lips, already missing his touch.  Feeling where he had branded her and wondering what it would feel like when he branded other parts of her body. She was still breathing hard, and so was he.  When she moved her hand from her lips to his, he closed his eyes, and she felt him lean his weight into her hand.  Then he brought one of his hands from her waist to her hand on his face and laid it over hers.  He kissed her fingertips.

He opened his eyes, and they were brimming with tears.

This was just as overwhelming for him too.

It made her heart melt.

She smiled softly at him as a few tears slipped down her cheeks.  He quickly moved to wipe them away, his hands lingering there.

“I love you Olivia…” he said.  He couldn’t help himself.  He didn’t care if she didn’t say it back to him just yet.  He knew she loved him.  He could just feel it.  Like he was sure she could feel he loved her.  And maybe it was too fast for him to say it out loud to her now… but it was Christmas.

And he loved her.  He just… loved her.  He had spent so much time trying to deny it and then keeping it to himself… he was tired of it.  He was tired of wasting time.  He wanted to spend the rest of his life telling Olivia he loved her… every day.  As many times a day as he pleased.

“El…” Olivia said, her voice breaking.  She took a deep breath in and looked into those eyes of his and knew.

Elliot waited a second holding his breath.  He thought maybe… maybe she was going to say it back and maybe this Christmas was going to be the Christmas his life finally fell into place.

“I love you too…” she whispered, and she barely got it out of her mouth before he closed his lips to hers again.

This time he wrapped his arms around her, holding her impossibly close to him as his lips melted her heart and soul.

He slowly pulled back, tears in his eyes and she felt his breath hitch in his chest.  They both smiled and laughed softly.

So here they were.  Standing in their parallel universe.  On Christmas morning… shifting into this universe… because they no longer needed a parallel one.

Olivia wanted nothing more than to stand here in the snow and… just melt with him, but she needed to head to Amanda’s… to Noah.

Elliot knew it was probably time for her to go pick up Noah.  It was getting late and even though the back seat of her SUV looked roomy enough for two, he didn’t want their first time to be in her car... maybe the second time… or the third time… or one the millions of times after because they had a lot of time to make up for.  Twenty-three years worth he though, and there was no way… no way he was going to ever get enough of her.  All they had done was kiss and he already knew Olivia Margaret Benson was going to ruin him.

Even though he didn’t want to wait… couldn’t wait really, any longer to tell her how he felt, he now decided he could wait to be with her physically.  He didn’t want to, but he could.

He wanted their first time together to be everything she deserved.

He wanted it to be… right… to be… them.  Not rushed. Not in a backseat where anyone might see.  He wanted to take his time with her.  He wanted to love her… make love to her… slowly… fully… to really show her the unending and eternal love he has for her.  The love he had always had for her.

But he defiantly wasn’t going to keep his hands to himself when she came over to his apartment later. Especially now that he didn’t have to.

Olivia opened her mouth to say something and paused biting her bottom lip and smiled.  She just wanted one more second of looking into those baby blues of his that were beaming with love and hope and… a future.

She then sighed and quietly said, “I have to go…”

Elliot swallowed and nodded.  He moved his hands from her waist and rezipped her coat, his index finger brushing her rosy cheek before he moved his hands down her arms to her hands and interlocked them with hers.

“Call me when you and Noah get home… just so I know you got there safe.” He said softly smiling.  Olivia smirked a little at his protectiveness.  Even though she always blustered at him when he got like that, she secretly pined for it.  There was just something about Elliot doing it.  It was never a macho thing, or misogynistic.  It was his underlying way of showing he cared.  He cared about her.  He had always cared, and she knew that.  It was his way of reminding her she wasn’t alone, and that someone was thinking about her.  He was thinking about her.

Wow she thought.  They really were pretty loud with their feelings back then.  It seemed like they weren’t as good as hiding it as she thought.  It really hit her then… the overwhelming swell of just how in love with him she was, and it swept over her like the ocean cresting over a peak of rocks.

And that’s what he was.  Her rock.  Even in his absence he had still been the person to which she stacked everything against.  Even when she didn’t want to.  Even when she was actively trying to move on, it was him.  It was always him.  Unwavering.  Solid.  Braving every storm.  Every brutal act of nature.  Resilient… and still standing in the morning.

“I will.” She said, knowing if she didn’t, he would just call her.  She removed her hands from his and brought them up to his face.  She pulled him into her and kissed him gently.  It was soft and subtle, but the emotion behind it was full and heady.

She could do this now.  She could just pull him to her and kiss him.  And she wanted to do it a lot more.  But she broke her soft kiss and looked into his eyes before they ended up right back where they were… seconds from acting like teenagers on a warm summer night.

Elliot was lost.  Lost in her… her heart… her soul.  And for the first time he could be.  He could look deep into those beautiful brown eyes of her and lose himself.  Without worry, without consequence.

God… he loved her.

He took a second to catch his breath and then led her around her car to the driver side door an opened it for her.

She got in and turned to him as she started reaching for her door, and he captured her lips with his.  He had only gone a few seconds without her in his arms or his lips on hers and he had struggled.  She was home to him.  And once this UC op was over, he was coming home to her.  Just like she asked him to.  Just like he had always wanted to.

He parted his lips, needing just another little taste of her before she left, and his hand found her knee and he squeezed.  She whimpered in his mouth as the electric current his hand on her leg sent all over her body.  Her hands found his neck and she gripped him tighter to her, wanting more of him.  Wanting all of him.  She no longer cared they were out on the street in the middle of the night on Christmas.  Her tongue smoothed over his bottom lip, and she pulled it in-between her teeth.  His hand slid up to the inside of her thigh and a soft high pitch moan escaped her lips.

Elliot groaned and pulled his face from hers.  They were both breathing heavy again, her lips swollen, cheeks flushed.

Jesus Christ, he thought.  She was melting his resolve to wait.  She turned her body, so he was now between her legs.  His hands instinctively moved to rest on her hips.

“El…” she said, breathlessly.  She moved her eyes down to his lips as she licked her own.

“Liv…” Elliot responded just as breathless.  “You’re driving me crazy…” he said, desperation now in his voice.

“Yea?” she asked a sly smile crossing her face as she brought him closer to her, her hands still around his neck.

“What are you going to do about it?” she purred in that low throaty voice of hers.

He felt immediate arousal spike up his spine and he pushed his hips into her, gripping hers tightly.  They both moaned at the contact, Liv’s hands gripping his neck tighter, her breath hot on his skin.  It took all his strength to not pull her into the backseat of her car and lose himself in her.  His head dropped to her shoulder, and he took a second, trying to slow his breathing, and his hands relaxed on her hips and moved to the tops of her thighs.

When he finally brought his face back to hers, he had found some semblance of control.  Her eyes were lust filled and heavy.  She was quite a sight, and he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life looking into those eyes of hers, but right now he needed to send her home.

“Liv… you have no idea how badly I want…” and he swallowed hard, unsure if he could get the words out, “… I want you… how badly I’ve always wanted you…” he said, the last part in whisper.  “But not like this…” he said, trying to slow his breathing down.  He saw the slightest hint of uncertainty in her eyes and her grip on his neck lessened like maybe she was questioning his want of her.  He was going to make sure he never caused that look again.

He slid his hands back over her hips and moved them down across her ass, pulling her closer to him.  He licked his lips as he leaned into her, bringing his nose close enough to touch hers, and then moving it over her cheek.  He brought his lips to her jawline… that beautiful jawline of hers that had tortured him for years.  What he wouldn’t have given back then to run his fingers along it, his lips, but now he could, so he wasn’t going to waste any opportunity to cherish her. He lightly brushed it with his lips as they made their way to her ear.

“I want you Liv… but I want to take my time with you…” he whispered.  He felt her chest start to rise and fall faster.  “I want to kiss every inch of your skin… to taste all of you…” he said, taking her earlobe into his mouth.  He felt her tremble and moan as she tilted her chin up giving him more access to do what he wanted.  His teeth and lips connected with the skin just below her ear and the deep moan that came out of her mouth followed by his name on her lips caused him to rock his hips into her again, his burdened erection straining against his pants.

He pulled away from her neck placing his forehead to hers and taking a deep breath.

“Goddamn… can you feel what you do to me…” he said, his voice horse.

Olivia moved to connect their eyes and said “I can’t wait until you can feel what you do to me…”

Elliot let out a guttural sound from deep inside him as his hands gripped her ass harder.  She was trying to kill him.  A small smile creeped across her face.  She knew what she was doing to him.  She laughed quietly her smile widening.  She huffed out a breath and ran her fingers through her hair trying to calm herself down, and then lightly kissed him.

Elliot smiled when she pulled away.  “I love you, Olivia.”

“I love you too Elliot.” she said back.  And his heart swelled at how quickly and easily she said those words back to him.  He ran his knuckles over her cheek, and then moved to help her sit back in her seat correctly.  He kissed her cheek and then her temple and moved to close the door.

Olivia rolled her window down to look at him one more time, blew him kiss and pulled out into the empty snowy street of New York.

Elliot stood there, watching her drive off to go pick up her son, taking his heart with her.  He took in a deep breath of the cold December air and knew this was the beginning of the rest of his life.

Chapter Text

Olivia had managed to get to Amanda’s a little after one in the morning.  Blinding paperwork was her only excuse as to why she was so late, and she could see the worried look on Amanda’s face start to ebb.  They were both still up, her and Carisi, wrapping last minute gifts and putting them under the tree like Santa had come.

She had half carried a very sleepy Noah out to the car and got him home in bed.  She heard her phone ding from the other room and kissed Noah good night as she quietly shut his door and made her way out to her living room.

It was Elliot.

Home safe?

She smiled to herself.  Of course, he’d check up on her since she hadn’t called yet.  She started typing a message back to him.

Yes. Just got home.  Give me a few minutes and I’ll call you.

She saw the little bubbles on her phone dancing up and down as she waited for his response.

Can’t wait

She felt her breath hitch a little as she smiled to herself and put her phone down.  She needed to get out Noah’s gifts and place them under the tree.  She quickly went to her hall closet and pulled them out from the back removing the blanket covering them.

She set them out under the tree, grabbed her phone and headed to her bedroom.  She quickly changed out of her work clothes and was about to put on her silk pajamas but paused looking at them.  She decided there was something else she wanted to wear.  She went into her closet and dug out an old box of things.  Things she hadn’t looked at in ten years.

It was her Elliot box.  It had all the stuff she had ever gotten from him, and the stuff from his desk and locker when Cragen had made her remove it.  She took a second looking at it, and as much as she wanted to go through it, Elliot was waiting for her.  She moved the frames and pulled out his old NYPD t-shirt.  She set the box back in its place and slipped the shirt over her head taking in its scent.  It still after all these years smelled faintly of him.

She slid under her covers and picked up her phone.

It rang once before he picked it up.

“Hey you…” he said his voice soft and quiet.  She could almost hear a relieved breath escape him.

“Hey you…” she said back.  There were a few seconds of silence where they both just listened to each other breathe.  It’s something they use to do after hard cases.  He would call under some pretense of wanting to talk about the case but they both knew what it was.

It was him needing her, or her needing him… or them needing each other.  And sometimes he would keep up the charade for a few minutes going over the details or discussing what they could have done differently but it always ended the same… the minutes would tick by with nothing but the soft sounds of breath until one or both of them fell asleep.

Olivia absent-mindedly brought her hand to the necklace El had given her and smoothed it over in her fingers.

“I miss you already…” he said, and then he huffed out a breath.  He didn’t mean it to sound that desperate but in all honesty he did feel desperate.  Desperate to see her again… to hold her and kiss her… he felt like so much time had slipped away, and he didn’t want to waste a single second of whatever time they had left.

He heard her chuckle quietly to herself.  Oh geez he thought.

“I miss you too El…” she said softly after a beat.

His heart squeezed at hearing his nickname again and knowing she missed him too.  Many people in his life had called him that.  But the sound of it coming out of her mouth… the timber of her voice when she said it… it was unlike anything else in this world.  Up until now it had been Stabler or Elliot in a very controlled tone.  But now when she called him El it was like it was ten years ago. 

It was like angels singing.

He sighed relaxing into his bed.  He was wearing boxers and a white tank.  He laid their thinking about what she was wearing, and if her heart was beathing as hard as his was right now.  He could still feel her lips on his, and how she kissed him back, taking it to a whole new level.  He swallowed hard remembering the heat he felt between her legs even through their clothing.  It was for him… because of him.  It sent a shiver down his spine, and he could feel himself getting aroused again.

He had decided to walk off his arousal on the cold streets of New York before he hailed the one and only cab that passed on the street.  But now he couldn’t stop himself… he didn’t want too either.  Everything about her turned him on.  Her voice, her hair, her eyes… those lips… those lips that molded to his and took his breath away.  Even though they had both changed over the years, he swore she just became more beautiful.

She had filled out in all the right places, and he couldn’t wait to see her.  All of her… splayed out beneath him… straddling him… naked, wet, and moaning his name in his shower because that was most definitely happening.  The second the realtor showed them the bathroom in this apartment it was all he could think about.  Honestly it was part of why he signed the lease.

He took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself down, but really the only thing that could even his heartbeat would be the afterglow and seeing the love of his life fully satisfied asleep in his arms.  So… he thought, he would just have to wait for that.

“You ok over there El?” Liv asked, bringing him back to the present from the current fantasies of Liv naked and moaning in his head.

A little laugh escaped him, and he sighed again.

“Yea… it’s just… you drive me crazy Benson.” he huffed out.  He could almost hear the smile crossing her face miles away in her own apartment.

“So you’ve said.” she stated, but she knew it.  She didn’t need him to tell her that.  She knew.  But suddenly she felt like she was a teenager again.  How this man could do that to her, she’d never know.  Even with twenty-three years between them and so much heavy baggage, he still made her feel like new.

And he could have been talking about how they both drove each other crazy sometimes when they were partners, but she knew he was talking about something else.  The something they never allowed themselves to talk about.  But every look and small touch, and silent moment between them spoke volumes.

She felt heat skip across her skin at his tone.

“What is it about me that drives you crazy…” she asked almost in a breathless whisper.

His response was quick and sure.

“Everything… everything about you Liv turns me on.”

This time, it was her breathing he heard pick up over the phone.  Before she had a chance to calm herself down, or possibly change the path they were most definitely headed, he continued.

“Your eyes… and the way you’ve always been able to see right through me… your lips… God your lips… it used to kill me watching you chew on your pen caps.  You have no idea how much I wanted to be the pen you always seemed to have in your mouth…”

Olivia felt the heat continue to spread across her skin.  Her ears were burning, and her pulse was starting to race.  Elliot paused for just a second to see if she would stop him, but he was pleasantly surprised she didn’t.  So he continued.

“The way you use to walk past me… Liv… you have no idea how hard it was for me to not turn and follow you with my eyes.  You have an… amazing walk…” he said, and he knew she could hear the smile on his face. Her walk was mesmerizing.  Maybe it had something to do with the way her clothes hugged her, or the sway of her hips… or… her unbelievable ass… or all of it… but it was hypnotic to say the least.

“Watching you in interrogation…” he continued his voice low and steady remembering all the times they shared going at perps in the box, “And now watching you command a whole squad…”

He was already past the point of no return as he moved his hand down to touch himself through his boxers. He slowly stroked himself, closing his eyes… wishing it was her hand and not his.  Telling her out loud how she affected him, how she had always affected him, was arousing in itself, but he wanted her to know he had always loved her.  He had always been attracted to her.  And if anything, it had only increased as time went on.

“The sound you make in the back of your throat when I kiss you…” he paused needing oxygen.  He could tell even through the phone how turned on she was getting.  He swallowed hard remembering the most recent memory between them, and how… perfect it was.  And how he couldn’t wait to make more with her.

“You have no idea how much I wanted to haul you into the backseat of your car and hear that again… Captain…” he said, his voice seemed the drop a whole octave on the last word.

He was rewarded by a small soft moan from her, and she huffed out a deep breath, running her free hand through her hair as she instinctively clenched her thighs together.  If only he knew exactly what him calling her Captain did to her.  That was something they were definitely going to explore.

She had never really seen the appeal of phone sex, or honestly really ever tried it, but with Elliot… the way he made her feel… the lustful sound in his voice as he basically admitted to always being attracted to her… it was exhilarating.  It was overwhelming as well to know how much he wanted her.  Because she wanted him… so much.

She took another deep breath and decided there was a first time for everything and the fact it would be in her fifties with Elliot, a man she loves and the only one she would ever want to do this with… was just icing on the cake.

“Then why didn’t you… detective…” she rasped, testing out a little bit of her Captain voice on him.

Elliot groaned inwardly at her deep husky voice and wished they weren’t miles away.  He ached for her.  He kept telling himself it would only be a few hours until he could see her again.  He could do this.  He had spent twelve years with her right under his nose, and then ten with an ocean between them.  Surely, he could get through a few more hours.  But it was going to take every ounce of strength he had to not get in his car and drive over to her apartment.

“I would have… but Liv…” he said, his voice suddenly clear as glass.  “I want our first time to be… slow… I want to spend hours loving you…”

Olivia felt her breath hitch in her chest.  This man… this man was going to be the death of her.  She loved him more than she ever thought she’d be able to.  For years she had pined for him, and for the ten he’d been absent her world had been turned upside down in more ways than one.  She never thought she’d ever be able to love him, love him the way she wanted to and that he would love her back.

But here they were.  In this universe… together… hopefully for the rest of their lives… because for her, there would be no one else.  Ever.

“God, I wish you were here right now…” Olivia breathed out, deciding she was done being coy.  They had spent over a decade tip toeing around each other, and she was done.  Now that she could, she wasn’t ever going to leave him wondering how much she wanted him.

Elliot felt his cock twitch hearing the desire in her voice.  Again… it had to be what an angel would sound like.  And she was his.

“I want to be there… so bad Liv…” Elliot said, letting the desperation in his voice show.

He waited for her response, but he heard some rustling, her bed sheets maybe he thought.  A tiny bit of panic shot through him for a second.  Maybe she had changed her mind about the path this phone call was on.

“If you were…. Then you could have taken this off me…” she said, and for a second, he was a little confused, and then his phone dinged.  He moved it from his ear to look at the text.  His breath caught in his throat when he opened it and saw the most breathtaking photo he’d ever seen.

She had sent him a photo taken from above of her laying in her bed, wearing an NYPD shirt and nothing else.  Her hair was splayed across her pillow, her beautiful legs pulled up a bit and closed leaving the edge of the shirt she was wearing showing a little skin of the curve of her ass.  Her other hand was at the hem, gripping it like she was about to pull it up and off her.  He could see the outline of her breasts and the hint of her aroused nipples.

But the part of the photo that took his breath away more than anything else was her face.  The depth of the love he could see in her beautiful brown eyes.  The slight upturn of the corner of her mouth.  The flush in her cheeks… that long jawline of hers that he couldn’t wait to get his lips on again.

She was stunning.

An angel.

He brought the phone back to his ear.

“Jesus Christ Liv…” he panted.

He heard her chuckle a little under her breath.

“Next time I will be the one taking that off you…” he said, and his mind was trying to continue to work, thinking about Liv laying naked in her bed and he was here like a chump.

“What else will you be doing… next time… after I’m naked.” she said, her voice low and full of want.

He took a sharp breath in and slowly let it out.  If it couldn’t be his hands making her come, then it was going to be his voice.

“Well… first… I’d kiss those lips of yours… those beautiful lips… those lips that drive me crazy… and taste you until we are both out of breath… then I’d move down over your jaw…”

Olivia let a moan escape her.  His words combined with his velvet voice were going to be more than her undoing.  She touched her lips closing her eyes and remembered the feeling of Elliot’s lips on her… melting her.  She moved them down over her jaw and let them follow where his words were taking her.

Her moan in his ear even through the phone was making his pulse race.

“Under your ear… and down your neck… I’d spend some time, delicately kissing your collar bone…”

Olivia shivered as she lightly traced her fingers along her collar bone.  Imagining how incredible it will feel when its Elliot’s lips.  She was so aroused just by the promise of what he was going to do to her, she thought about moving her fingers down between her legs because she was almost at her limit, but then El’s voice brought her back.

“Liv… where is your hand?” he questioned almost in a whisper.

She took a few breaths, “On my collar bone…” she said and stilled her finger there.

“Good… “ he said, and that pretty much told her what he wanted.  He wanted to be the one to get her there.  Even if he was miles away and it was her fingers doing the work, he wanted to be the one to send her over the edge when he wanted to.

“Hmm… El… don’t stop…” Olivia moaned out because he was torturing her, and how could she not say his name.

She heard him growl before he continued, and it made her shake.

“Then I’d move down to your breasts… ugh Liv…” he said, needing a moment to keep his mind on track.  His head was starting to spin, and he was so hard it hurt.

“I’d tease you first… use my fingers to make you moan… and then pull one of your nipples in my mouth…” he said swallowing hard, “… and suck…”

And this time when Olivia moved her hand to her breasts and started to play with herself, she couldn’t keep the moans from coming out.

“And then I’d move down your stomach… my hands sliding up your thighs…”

“Oh… fuck Elliot…” she said, and Elliot groaned as his hand gripped himself harder through his boxers.  He was losing his resolve to move this along slowly.  He needed so desperately to feel a release, but he wanted her too as well.

“Liv… tell me what you want…” he growled.

“I want…” she breathed out trying to slow down her breathing.  “I want to know what you sound like when my mouth is on you… to know what you taste like…” she said, as she moved her hand over the top of her thigh, then to the inside inches from where she really wanted to be.

“I want to feel you all over me… inside me…” she moaned.

“Oh Liv… I want that too… so much…” he whispered.

“El… please…” she begged.  And he knew what she was asking.  He didn’t want to make her wait any longer.

“Touch yourself Olivia… tell me how wet you are…” he huffed out and she wasted no time sliding her finger over her wet throbbing center.

His body tightened up listening to her.  Listening to her pleasure herself, moaning and breathing hard, thinking of him… wishing it was him.

“Olivia…” he groaned out.

“I’m so wet El… you make me so wet… you always have…” she whimpered.

“Oh fuck Liv…” he grunted, and then he dipped his hand into his boxers, unable to wait any longer.  He slid his hand over his hard erection and wished it was Olivia’s.

“Tell me how… ugghhh… how hard you are…” she said.

“So fucking hard… God I want you Liv… I want you so fucking bad…” Elliot growled, his voice like sandpaper. He heard her moaning become an almost breathless high pitch whimper.  She must be close he thought.  He couldn’t wait to find out for himself in person and memorize all her sounds and facial expressions.

“I’m so close El…” she whispered through her labored breathing.  Elliot sped up his movements imagining Olivia straddling him, him gripping her hips as she rocked on top of him and listened to the lust filled mewling of her voice in his ear.

“I want you to come Liv… come for me…” Elliot said begging, almost pleading to hear her come undone.

“I wish you were here El…” Olivia said in between her moans.  Her fingers knowing the right spot and pace that worked for her.

“I want to feel you come inside me…” she moaned.

And that was it.  Her voice had sent him over the edge.  He came hard and felt a shock of electricity shoot through him when he heard her moan out his name as she too reached orgasm.

It took a few minutes of labored breathing for them both to come back to reality.  Even though she had pleasured herself before, this was… different… this was better.  And knowing it was only going to continue to get better, better than she could even imagine hit her hard.  She felt tears well in her eyes, and a smile slipped across her face.

“I love you El… I love you so much…” she said, her voice breaking at the end.  She really did love him more than she ever thought was possible.  She was so in love with him it was almost embarrassing.  But she didn’t care.  With him was where she had always belonged.  She knew that as a fact now.

“I love you too Olivia.  I always have…” Elliot said softly.  His heart was full.  He wanted nothing but to be with her the rest of his life.  She was the only one who had his heart.  And they had earned this.

“Stay with me?” she asked. Her voice already thick with sleep.

“Always…” he said without a hesitation.  Even though she meant on the phone with her till they fell asleep, he made a promise.  He would always stay.  He would stay forever… because she was his forever.

Chapter Text

Olivia had woken up earlier than she expected.  It had been a late night, that had ended with Elliot talking her into one of the best orgasms she has had as of late.  She felt… good.  Really good.  Hopeful.  Truly hopeful for the first time in a long time.

She rolled over to look at the time.  It was quarter to eight in the morning.  She was surprised Noah hadn’t come knocking on her door to wake her up to see if Santa had come.  He was at the age where she wasn’t sure how much longer he would believe in Santa, so she was going to relish in this time as long as possible.

She searched for her phone in her comforter.  Sometime during the night, they had gotten disconnected.  She finally found her phone lost between her pillows and tapped it to see how much battery was left.  She was surprised it was still over fifty percent and she opened up her text messages.

She laid there in the still silence of her bedroom.  She wanted to text him, but what if he was still sleeping?  What if he was up with Bernie or starting Christmas with his kids… the first Christmas without their mom.  She put her phone down, as feelings of guilt creeped over her.

No, she thought… no.  She had nothing to feel guilty about.  Elliot wouldn’t have invited her over if he thought she would be intruding on his family.  He had told her last night that she was his family.  She felt heat spread across her chest and in her heart.

Support… she could offer her support and her love to the Stabler family.  She wasn’t sure which of all his children would be there and if he told them her and Noah were coming, but love was all she had to offer.

She hoped it would be enough.

Her mind then wandered back to Elliot.

She pulled her phone back up and opened her camera.  She adjusted herself so parts of her were covered by her comforter, but the profile of her back and side, and down her leg were showing.  She hugged the bedding over her breasts but left a little bit of skin for him.  She pulled her knee up a little and lifted the phone above her.

She took a few pictures, adjusting a little here and there and then picked the one she hated the least and sent it to him with just the words Merry Christmas underneath.

She felt a little nervous all of a sudden.  She had never sent anything even remotely close to this to anyone before.  Last night she had still had a shirt on, but now just her bedding covering the more intimate parts of her.  She knew he was turned on by her, the evidence clear from last night, but still… putting herself out there like this now was… a little nerve-racking.

What if… he didn’t get what he was expecting… they had spent so many years next to each other in squad cars, on the streets, and in the one-six, but so much time had passed.  What if his fantasy of her was a let down in real life?  She looked different now, her body was different.  He seemed to become more chiseled… defined… sexier… if that was even possible.

But then she remembered the heat and the passion on the street when he kissed her.  The way his hands roamed all over her, grabbing, holding… caressing.  It sent a shiver down her spine.  There was no way their first time together wasn’t going to be good… for both of them.

Her mind was brought back to the present when she heard her phone ding and quickly opened the text.

Jesus Christ Liv… you make me want to go to church and confess…

She felt her cheeks blush and she couldn’t keep the smile from her lips.  She was about to type something when she saw the three little bubbles tell her he was sending something else.

She waited… almost holding her breath.

When do I get to wake up to you in my bed like that?

Damn… she thought. He wasn’t even here, and she was already feeling her arousal for him build.  Hell, she wasn’t even listening to his voice, and she was craving more.  She took a deep breath and blew it out slow before she started typing.  The things he did to her… had always done to her… she started her response back.

Well maybe tonight when you open your Christmas present from me… you’ll know the answer.

She smiled biting her lip.  Jesus… this man made her feel … uninhibited.  It hit her hard that this was really going to happen.  She was unsure of when he would be ready to cross that final line with her, and she didn’t want to push him, but after last night and the response he gave her just now… she knew this was happening tonight. 

They had waited twenty-three years… twenty-three years of wondering what he looked like, and sounded like… how big he was, and what he would feel like between her legs… so many fantasies… things she wanted to do to him, things she wanted him to do to her.  And every single one of them ended the same way.  Her alone, aching for him.  But not… that was all going to change.  She was glad he was just as impatient as she was.

She waited for a response text from him, but maybe he was busy.  It was fine, she really should get up and get Noah.  They had their own Christmas traditions to engage in before they went to Elliot’s.  She couldn’t help but hope someday they would make their own traditions with Elliot… as a family.

Her heart fluttered at the thought.  Ok Benson she said to herself in her head.  One step at a time.

She got up and plugged her phone in and grabbed Elliot’s shirt and put it back on.   She fished some old sweatpants out of her drawer and slipped into them.  Just as she was about to go get Noah up and she head her phone ding.

She opened the message and was face to face with a picture of Elliot, laying bare chested in his bed, his one hand draped over his heart.  A look of pure love in his eyes and that little smirk on his face she loved so much… and sometimes hated.

He was breathtaking.

She couldn’t believe after all this time… he was finally hers.  And her body vibrated a little knowing she was going to get to have… all of him.  She was a lucky woman. 

But it had also been a very long time since she was last with a man.  She worried a little about how all of this was going to go.  She took a deep breath and ran her hand over her face.  She needed to stop worrying.  It was going to be amazing and wonderful and… right… because it was Elliot and he made everything better.  The way he had blown her mind with just their first kiss… she could only imagine what tonight was going to hold.

Her phone dinged again breaking her out of her thoughts.

You drive me crazy Benson… Merry Christmas.

Olivia smiled, saved the picture to her phone, and then he had sent her another text.

How does 2pm sound?

She thought about his text for a second and then responded.

Perfect. See you soon

And she sent him the kiss emoji.  He responded quickly.

I can’t wait to kiss you again… I love you, Olivia.

She answered back, telling him she loved him too, and put her phone down to go wake up Noah.  They had a full day planned.  And she was sure her night would be just as full.


Olivia and Noah had a perfect Christmas morning.  After they opened gifts, she made Noah pancakes and hot chocolate.  She told him they were going over to see her friend Elliot, the one she told him about.  He was excited to finally meet him.  She asked if it was ok that she told him yes, and Noah told her if she liked him, then he would too, plus he had always wanted to go ice skaking.

Her son was such a sweet boy.  He was protective over her, since it was just the two of them, but he also trusted her implicitly.  She was happy that Noah was so excited to meet Elliot.  Hopefully they would get along because she knew they would be in each other’s lives now… hopefully for good.

After breakfast, they watched Elf, a Christmas tradition they started a few years ago.  When the movie was over, they baked some Christmas cookies to take with them over to Elliot’s.  He had only asked her last night to come over, and she didn’t want to show up empty handed.  She wished she could have gotten something for his kids, and Bernie, but hopefully next year she could make it up to them.  She knew he would probably tell her she didn’t need to do that, but she really enjoyed giving to other people.

Olivia let Noah play with his gifts when they were done so she could get ready.  She needed to shower and prepare herself for tonight.  She wasn’t a lingerie person for the most part, but she did have a few things for a special occasion.  And Elliot seeing her naked for the first time was the ultimate special occasion.  She wanted his gift to be wrapped up in the best way possible.

Once she was dressed and ready, she had Noah get ready, and they were on their way.

On their way to the first of hopefully many more Christmases together.


Elliot was nervous.  This was the first Christmas without Kathy, and he had invited Olivia and Noah over.  He had planned on doing this… for well… a long time.  He had sat his kids down and actually talked to them on one of the nights he got to spend away from the KO.  There were a lot of things they needed to talk about.

And he knew this op was dangerous.  He had come close to never seeing his family again, and that was the catalyst for all of this.  He vowed if he made it out alive from the woods that night with Albi… he was going to fix things.  Fix things with his kids… and with Olivia.

It was a good night.  They had all had dinner at his apartment together… talked… cried… yelled.  They had gotten through a lot.  At the end of wading their way through their stuff, he brought up Olivia.

The second he mentioned her name they had all gone silent and then shot looks to each other across the table.  He paused for a second, worried about what might be being said in the silence, but then his mother, of all people, was the voice of reason.

“Hear him out…” she had said…  “Olivia has done nothing but help this family.”  Then she brought up the times Olivia made him leave work for countless soccer games and dance recitals.  The time she helped Kathleen out of a sticky situation, and saved the life of not only their mother, but Eli as well.  She had done nothing but love a family unconditionally that wasn’t hers and didn’t ask for anything in return.

He laughed to himself reliving the reaction of everyone.  Their shocked faces and her looking around at them all then saying, “What? I know things…”

His mother had softened them, and Kathleen was the one who finally told him to go ahead, they were listening.

He had made it explicitly clear nothing had ever happened between them while he and their mother were married.  That nothing had happened during the separation, and even now… nothing had happened... Yet.  But the connection between him and Olivia was something they would never comprehend.  Being partners for so long and putting your life in someone else hands… and doing the same for that person… it changes you in a way no one could understand. 

He told them he had… feelings for her.  He didn’t want to tell them he was in love with her, but he wanted to them know where his intentions lie.  He also made clear he wasn’t asking for permission, but he wanted them to know he cared what they thought.

He wasn’t about to give them any in depth details of their past, or how… complicated it really was between them.  He was still their father and there were just things that they didn’t need to know.  They didn’t need to know she was his soulmate, or just how in love with her he was… or that he had always been for that matter.  All they needed to know now was she was in his life.  He was choosing her if she’d have him.

He told them he wanted to invite her and her son over on Christmas, hoping he would be available.  They all sat and listened.  Not saying anything.  When he was done, he looked around at them.  Nervous for their reaction.  He fully expected Dickie to be the one to say no.  To stand up and leave, not wanting to be a part of it.  But to his surprise Dickie was the one to speak up first.

He had said, “We just want you to be happy Dad… and if she makes you happy…” and Elliot remembered the way Dickie looked around to his siblings to assure what he was saying they were all in agreement with, “Then we’re happy.”

It had been a really good night.

He knew no one would ever replace their mother.  Olivia would never try to do that.  But he knew she understood them, and loved them, and that she could be the one to fill the void.  The only one.

And now here he was… waiting for Olivia to come over to his apartment for Christmas.  Getting to finally meet Noah… and his kids to meet Noah.  And there had been enough time in between his dinner, and Christmas to give all his children a chance to let it all sink in.

Kathleen had been the quickest to accept his pending relationship with Olivia.  He knew she would be.  They had always been close.  And after Dickie had made his statement at the dinner table, he knew he was on board.  Lizzie and Maureen would come around in time he knew.

He was worried about Eli though.  He was still young… and his life had shifted the most.  Not only losing his mother suddenly but moving from a country he called home.  He had to go to a new school, make new friends, and then he had left to go under cover.  But he seemed to be doing better.  Better since he had given Eli a lock down after Liv had found those drugs.

He knew there would be kinks… and they would all even out in the end.  They had to because he couldn’t picture a future without Olivia and Noah in it.

The knock at his front door shook him out of his head. He quickly said, “I got it…” and almost ran to the door catching the attention of all of his children who were in the living room.

“Don’t trip Dad… we don’t need you falling at your age… might break a hip…” Dickie sarcastically called after him, and the rest of his siblings snickered.

Elliot barely heard Dickie, he had only two things on his mind.  Seeing Olivia again, and meeting Noah for the first time.  Officially.

And he was suddenly nervous for both.

He made it to the door and took a deep breath, and then opened it.

The second his eyes met hers, a beautiful sweeping smile spread across her face.  And it took his breath away.  Somehow in the few hours they had been apart, she had become even more beautiful.

“Hi… I’m Noah…”

Elliot broke his look with Olivia and looked down at her beautiful son, who had his hand out to shake Elliot’s.

Elliot felt his heart swell in his chest, and he reached out and shook his hand.  “I’m Elliot.  It’s so nice to meet you, Noah.” He said.

He looked up at Olivia and she had tears welling in her eyes and that beautiful smile of hers across her face.

“Come in, come in.” Elliot said and moved to let Noah and Olivia in the door.  They made their way into the living room and Bernie was the first to greet them.

“Oh Olivia, you look radiant as always… and who is?” she said looking to Noah.

“I’m Noah.” He said with his cute little smile.

“Well, aren’t you just cute as a button, like your mother I see…” Bernie said.

“We make cookies this moring,” Olivia said handing the box to Bernie, “We didn’t want to show up empty handed.”

“Well aren’t you two so thoughtful!” Bernie said taking the box from Liv.  “They look delicious!”

Elliot was floored at how charismatic this little boy of hers was.  He had already won his heart, anyone who could make Olivia beam like she was at the moment, was certainly someone incredibly special.

His fears of how today was going to go had started to melt away the second he shook Noah’s hand.  This was going to work.

Bernie helped Noah take off his coat and handed it to Elliot, as she took him over to all the other Stabler children.  They had started meeting each other, and it warmed his heart at how quickly Noah seemed to be part of the family already.  His children if anything were all stubborn, like him, but they had good hearts.

“Hey Liv, here, I’ll show you where you can put your coat…” Elliot said, and he gave her a look, knowing she would catch his underlying message.  It wasn’t lost on anyone else in the living room either, except maybe Noah.

She followed him back down the hallway to the coat rack that hadn’t been there last time she was in his apartment, and he hung Noah’s up and helped her get hers off.

The second her coat was hung Elliot grabbed Olivia by the arm and pushed her up against the wall and crushed his lips to her.  It was hurried and passionate.  Her hands slid to his face as his moved around her waist, and it was Olivia that opened her mouth and slid her tongue in.

A low quiet moan rustled deep in his chest feeling her tongue deliberately seek his out.  He may have been the one to push them into this new and wonderful world; a place they’d never been which led them to this moment, but she had been the one to take his heart and soul and mind twenty-three years ago.

He gripped her tight, pushing his body flush up against hers, pinning her between him and the wall.  He was trying to take the edge off, but this was only making him want her more.  They needed to stop.  His children were right around the corner… her son… his mother.

Later… he thought… later.  He could do this.  He could wait.  He just needed to feel her and kiss her and remind himself this was real.  This was happening.  She was like a tall drink of water, quenching his thirst, but his thirst for her was undying.  He would always be thirsty for her.  Even after their first time, he knew nothing would ever satisfy his need for her.  If anything, it would only increase his desire.  But he also had plenty of experience in tamping down.

So very unwillingly he broke their kiss, and took her in.  She was breathing heavy, her lips slightly swollen, her cheeks pink.  Goddamn he thought… keeping his lips and hands to himself for most of today was going to be harder than he thought.

Olivia smiled and licked the corner of her lips as her eyes darted down to his mouth.  He felt arousal hit him square in his groin.  She used to shoot a look to his lips and then advert her eyes quickly for fear of being caught a lot when they were partners.  She never let herself openly look at him… at least not when he was looking, but now… now her eyes lingered, and the heat coming from her was searing him.

“I told you… I couldn’t wait…” he said a little breathless.

And she smiled again, knowingly.  She was glad he couldn’t.  She had wanted to jump him the second he opened the door, and if everyone else wasn’t here, she would have.

She didn’t say anything, but her hands and her face and her eyes were saying everything.  The wanton look was going to give him a heart attack.

“You keep looking at me like that and I won’t make it till tonight…” he said, a raspy warning in his voice.

“I can’t help it… I promised myself last night I would never hide how much I want you… ever again…” she said, almost whispering.

Elliot closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  She was making him lightheaded and melting his resolve to not pull her out into the hallway and fuck her up against the wall.

He groaned and cleared his throat.

“Elliot! Olivia! Did you two get lost looking for the coat rack?” Bernie’s voice shouted from the other room.

They both chuckled at his mother’s good timing.

“No Momma… we found it…” he answered her.

“You are going to be the death of me Benson…” he whispered, his lips inching closer to her.

She smirked and moved her lips to his ear.

“That’s Captain Benson… Detective…” she whispered and kissed his cheek lightly and moved to make her way into the living room to join everyone.

Elliot dragged his hand down his face and placed his hand on his chest as he watched her walk away from him with his heart before he followed.


They had eaten a delicious Christmas lunch that Bernie and Kathleen had made for everyone, and Noah had been winning the hearts of all the Stablers without even trying.

Olivia was helping Elliot clean up the table as everyone else was laughing and still getting to know each other.

“Noah is wonderful Liv… he’s so much like you.” Elliot said.

Olivia smiled.  “Thank you… he’s a sweet boy.” She said.

“There must be something in that Benson blood that Stablers just fall in love with.” Elliot said.

Olivia felt her cheeks blush, and as much as that comment made her feel warm and fuzzy inside, she realized he didn’t know the circumstances of how she became Noah’s mother.  He must have assumed she had gotten pregnant, and the father was out of the picture.

He noticed a slight change in demeanor at his last comment.

“Liv…” he said, pausing to look at her and he put his hand on arm.

She could read it in his eyes, he was worried he said something wrong.  But he hadn’t.  She placed her hand over his on her arm.

“It’s ok El… I just… I just realized you don’t know that… I adopted Noah.” She said, “So his charisma is all his own…” she finished.  It still hurt a little to remember how and where her ray of sunshine came from, but he was hers, and even though he wasn’t biologically hers, he was hers just the same.

Elliot was a little shocked at her confession to him about Noah.  It was crazy to think he wasn’t her biological son because everything about him reminded him about Liv.  He was a little secretly relieved though.

Olivia is and always had been breathtaking… but a pregnant Olivia… he was grateful he didn’t miss seeing her that way… as hard and achingly wonderful as that would have been.  He had fantasized about Olivia swollen and glowing, carrying their child… being a family more times than he’d like to admit, and he did feel guilty she would never know what it was to carry a child.  But it did mean there wasn’t a father… and that maybe he could fill those shoes someday.

“Liv… he is you… I see you in everything about him.” Elliot said.  He truly felt that way.  This little boy was her… all the amazing things about her had transferred to him.  Biological or not.

“You’re an amazing mom… just like I always knew you would be.”

Olivia smiled, her eyes brimming slightly with tears.  “Thanks, El…” she said, her voice cracking a bit.  She knew now wasn’t the time to give him all the details of Noah’s adoption, but soon.  She would soon.

She kissed his cheek softly, and he squeezed her arm, and they finished cleaning up and moved over to where everyone was gathering.

“Ok, it’s time for presents!” Bernie proclaimed.

“Oh…” Olivia said, her eyes shooting to Elliot.  He could tell she was worried; she hadn’t brought anything other than the cookies and he was about to reassure her it was ok, but Bernie beat him to the punch.

“You didn’t think you two could come spend Christmas with us and have nothing to open did you?”  she said taking Noah to sit with her.

“Bernie… you most defiantly didn’t have to do that.  We didn’t… we don’t have anything to offer… We were only invited last night… I’m sorry…” Olivia said, feeling terrible.

“Dad!” Kathleen said eyeing her father.  “You waited until Christmas Eve to ask them?”

Elliot opened his mouth to defend himself, but once again, his mother cut him off.

“Well, you must excuse my son’s terrible manners… he didn’t get that from me.  But your company is gift enough.” Bernie finished smiling at Olivia, and then asking Maureen to hand her Noah’s gift.

It was a box, wrapped in shiny red paper.

“Here you go Noah…” Bernie said.  “This is from all of us.”

Noah smiled and looked to his mom.  Olivia nodded and said, “Go ahead Noah.  You can open it.”

Elliot turned to Liv who was sitting next to him and squeezed her knee.  He was going to make it up to her that he did in fact wait till Christmas Eve to ask her, even though it had been romantic as hell kissing her on the street at the stroke of twelve on Christmas Day.  He should get some points for that.

Noah ripped open the box and lifted the top.  The first thing he pulled out was a soccer ball.

“That’s from me…” Eli said.  “I thought maybe when it warms up, I could teach you how to play soccer if you want.”

Noah’s face lit up with excitement.  He then reached for the next thing in the box and pulled out a deck of playing cards

“Those are from me and Lizzy.” Dickie said.  “If you’re going to be hanging out with us, we are gonna have to teach you how to play a few card game… and watch out for this one…” he said nudging Lizzy who was seated next to him, “She cheats…”

“I do not! Rich!” Lizzy said smacking her brother.  Everyone laughed.

“Can we play for money?” Noah asked.

“Noah!” Olivia said shocked and a little tickled by his question.

“Oh yea… this kid is a Stabler…” Dickie said.

Noah smiled back and took the next thing out.  It was a pair of ice skates.

“Those are from me and Maureen.” Kathleen said.

“They are already for you to use today.” Maureen added smiling softly.

“Thanks, you guys… this stuff is great.” Noah said.

“Oh, there’s more in there Noah…” Bernie said eyeing Elliot.

Elliot felt his heart swell in his chest knowing what was left in the box.  Noah dug a little deeper through the tissue paper and pulled out a pair of mittens.

“Those are from me… I made them myself for you.  A little birdie told me your favorite color was green.”  Bernie said.  “And oh… I think your last present is inside one of them… take a look.”

Noah looked at Bernie, a smile on his face at the extra surprise.  He put his hand in one of mittens and pulled out three tickets.

“Those are from me…” Elliot said.  “I heard you take dance classes… and I thought I’d take you and your mom to see a ballet.”

“Wow!” Noah said.  He got up from the couch and came over to Elliot and hugged him.

Elliot had to hold himself together as this sweet little boy hugged him.  He already felt like he was his dad.  A job he would most definitely take, and one he would never quit.

“Thanks!” Noah said, and turned to his mom, showing her the tickets.

Olivia smiled wide and wiped the tears coming down her face.  “That’s so cool Noah.”  He handed her the tickets to hold on to and turned back to everyone else.

“Oh, and these are for you Olivia…” Kathleen said, handing her a pair of skates with a little bow on the top.  “If we are going to start this new tradition of ice skating, we thought you should have a pair of your own.” She said, smiling that Stabler smile and handed them to her.

“Thank you, guys,… really… this is… I love them.” She said searching for the right words.

“So… how about a game of cards?” Noah said, and everyone laughed.  Dickie grabbed the playing cards and everyone else started to clear the coffee table to play a game.

Olivia’s heart was overwhelmed.  She couldn’t keep the tears from streaming down, and she needed… a moment.  She stood up and in the commotion of everyone deciding which game to teach Noah and slipped away into the bathroom.

Elliot watched her, calling her name as he started to get up, but Bernie stopped him.

“Let me…” she said and made her way to the bathroom.

She stood outside the door for a second, then knocked.

“Olivia?” she said.

Olivia opened the door, her face a little read, tears still coming down her face.

“Sorry…” Liv said, putting her hand up, as more tears slipped down her face.  She let Bernie in and closed the seat of the toilet to sit on it.  She was emotionally overwhelmed at how accepting and loving Elliot’s whole family had been welcoming her and her son into their Christmas.

“My dear… whatever for?” Bernie asked.

“I just… it’s just…” she took a deep breath in and let it out slow, running her hands through her hair.

“It’s overwhelming.” She finally said.

“I know dear… I know…” Bernie said moving over closer to Olivia.

“Look… you and your son… you are family.  And you have been there for this family more than you know.  Never asking for anything in return.  You kept my son on solid ground.  You are why he is the person he is today.  Not to say he doesn’t have his faults… because God knows we all do, but I wish I had met someone who looked at me the way my son looks at you.”

Olivia looked at Bernie, her heart feeling the embrace of what it was like to have a mother again.  Even though Serena had her problems and had trouble dealing with them all, she did miss her.  Bernie also had her own problems, but she did love her son.  And all Olivia had ever wanted her entire life was to be a part of a family… a family like this.

“What this family needs… is someone like you.  You fit.  You can help heal the brokenness.  You healed my son.  I see it every time he looks at you.” Bernie said.  She brought her hand to Olivia’s face and brushed a few tears away.  Then she took Olivia’s hands in hers.

“Welcome to the family Olivia.  You’re stuck with us now.” She said smiling.

They both laughed, and Bernie pulled Olivia in for an embrace.  Bernie let go of her, looked in her eyes to check that she was ok now, and left closing the door.  Olivia stood up and took a deep breath in.  She moved to the sink and splashed a little water on her face.  Once her face was dry she looked in the mirror.

“A family…” she whispered to herself smiling.  She ran he hands through her hair again, making sure she looked presentable and walked back out to a living room full of her family.

Chapter Text

Liv opened the door to the bathroom and was met with Elliot’s eyes staring back at her.  He had a concerned look on his face.

“Hey… everything ok?” he asked cautiously.

“Yea El… I’m ok.  I was just… a little overwhelmed.” She said a soft smile pulling at her lips.

“I’m sorry Liv… I should have warned you about the gifts.”

“It’s ok El… really… I’m fine.  It’s incredibly sweet of your children to think of Noah.  Honestly… I was worried how this was all going to go.” She said dropping her chin feeling a little guilty she was worried at all.

“What do you mean…” he said with a little smirk on his face.

“Well… I mean I wasn’t sure how everyone would feel about Noah and I being here.  I didn’t want to cause a problem if… you know… any of them had an issue with it.”

He chuckled a little at how well he knew her.  Which was one of the reasons why he had that dinner.  He knew she would have felt the need to run for the hills if she at all felt like her and Noah were intruding on his first Christmas with his kids without their mother.

“Yea, I didn’t want that either,” he said, “So I actually planned a dinner with everyone a few weeks ago.  We talked about a lot of things… aired a few… grievances…” he said raising his eyebrows, “And then we talked about you.”

Olivia’s eye widened and she lifted her eyebrows and looked at him.  “Me?” she said.

“Yea… I told them how I felt about you.” He said moving a little bit closer to her.

Her jaw dropped open, and she looked a little shocked.  He chuckled at her reaction.

“Don’t worry… I didn’t tell them everything… I just let them know how much I cared for you… this wasn’t going to be a one-time thing, and that if you decided it was what you wanted, that you and Noah would be in my life… which means you two would be in their lives.”

“Wow… Elliot.” She said, taking it all in.

“I figured it would give them time to let it sink in, time to be ok with it.  That’s why Kathleen was so upset earlier when she found out I only asked you to come today last night.”

She laughed at him.  “Well, that makes sense now.” She said.

“And Kathleen and my mom were both adamant about getting you and Noah gifts.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you… and for waiting so long to ask.”

“It’s ok,” she smirked remembering how Kathleen had whipped around to scold her father for waiting so long. Then something else popped up in her mind.

“How did you know what to get Noah?” she asked, genuinely curious.

“Fin…” Elliot said.  “Well, I called Fin to ask him, and he said I should call Lucy… your sitter.  I hope its ok that I got her number from him.  Kathleen was the one who actually called her and came up with the idea of us all getting him something special.”

Olivia brought her hand to her heart and knitted her eyebrows together.  Kathleen had such a good heart.  Her father’s heart.

“But the tickets… that was my idea.” Elliot said, a big smile crossing his face.  He was proud that he had come up with that one on his own after Kathleen told him Noah was taking dance classes.

“I wanted to give you both something we could do together.  Just the three of us.” He said.

She felt her tears starting to well in her eyes again, but this time she let a few slip down her face as she smiled.  Her heart was full.  So full.  She was becoming overwhelmed again, but this time it was Elliot who brushed her tears away, and softly smiled back at her.  She knew she didn’t have to say anything.  He knew what she was feeling.  It was still so astounding to her that after all this time they both could speak without words.

Elliot brought his hand back to her face and brushed a stray lock of hair tucking it behind her ear.  He just couldn’t stop himself from finding any way to touch her now whenever he wanted because now, he could.  He moved a little closer to her, placing his palm flat on the wall behind her head.

Olivia looked into his bright and shinning eyes getting lost in them.  She took a sharp breath in, feeling herself lean back against the door frame.  He was making her legs weak with the look in his eyes.

She blushed and bit her bottom lip as she smiled feeling slight embarrassment for getting so distracted just by his hand in her hair and his eyes.  Elliot slowly moved in, his lips curling up into a seductive smile as he inched closer to her mouth.  He was a millimeter from her lips and Noah’s voice made them both jump.

“Mom! Mom! Get your skates! We’re going now!” he shouted not even noticing his mom and Elliot jump apart from each other like opposing magnets.  Noah ran past them and down the hallway to get his coat, while Elliot and Olivia just stood there, laughing at each other.

Kathleen came around the corner, stopping and looking at Olivia’s flushed face and her father’s sheepish grin, and she chuckled to herself.

“Sorry guys… he’s really excited…” she said looking back and forth between them, and she couldn’t help but smile and roll her eyes at them as she passed between them to follow Noah.  Olivia felt her face redden knowing Kathleen missed nothing and bit her bottom lip.  When she looked back at Elliot he was standing there, a huge smile on his face, his eyes sparkling.  She felt her stomach flip.

“Mom! Come on!  Eli said we could race like in speed skating!”

Olivia’s eyes suddenly widened at Elliot, and a slightly worried look crossed her face.

“Eli…” Elliot called turning towards the living room.

“Elliot, it’s fine, let them be…. You used to race your bike with all your friends in the neighborhood up and down that ravine all summer long.  This is just a little ice.” Bernie said coming around the corner.  She turned to Olivia.

“Olivia darling, we will make sure he’s ok.  Katie and I won’t let him get hurt.” She said, and Olivia turned to look back at Elliot, and then back to Bernie.  How could she argue with that?


It was going to take two cabs to get to Rockefeller center to go ice skating.  Maureen, Dickie and Lizzy had other commitments later in the day, so they weren’t going skating.  Noah insisted on riding with Eli and Kathleen.

Olivia tried to give Kathleen money for their cab, but she wouldn’t take it.

“Kathleen… please, let me pay.  You guys have already done so much for Noah.” Olivia said.

Kathleen leaned in a little closer to Olivia as Eli got in and Noah followed.

“I don’t mind Olivia… really… I like doing things for my brothers…” she said, and softly smiled a knowing smile at Olivia.  Olivia was so taken back by the remark her heart skipped in her chest, and she swallowed hard trying to find the words, but none came.  She fought the tears springing into her eyes, and instead of words she pulled Kathleen into her and hugged her tight.  She felt Kathleen hug her back, and she tucked her face into Olivia just the slightest bit.  When Olivia pulled back, she looked at the beautiful blonde with her dad’s deep blue eyes.  Olivia felt like the luckiest person alive.

“Thanks…” she whispered; her full voice unable to get past her lips.

Kathleen smiled, and said, “Thank you Olivia… “ and she eyed her father helping her grandma get into the other cab, and then looked back to Olivia.  Just like her father, the two of them had a silent communication.  She was grateful to have Olivia in their lives before, and now again.  She knew if anyone could make her father feel whole again it would be Olivia.  She loved her and was more than happy to welcome her and Noah into her life.

Olivia squeezed her arm, and then Kathleen turned to get in the cab with Eli and Noah.

“Noah… you listen to Kathleen and Eli, ok?” she said, knowing he would.  He was a good kid.

“I will Mom! See you there!” he said, and they were off.

Elliot was standing on the curb, smiling at Olivia.  Bernie was already in the cab.

“After you Liv.  My mom insists you sit in the middle.” He said.  “She already favors you over me.” He added, his expression showing he’s not surprised.

She smiled and walked over to him, “Must be that Benson blood…” she quipped, biting her bottom lip and smiling.

“Must be…” he said and kissed her on the cheek as he helped her get in the cab.

“That was a lame kiss Elliot…” Bernie said as Olivia slid in next to her and Elliot closed the door.

“Momma…” Elliot said, rolling his eyes, feeling the embarrassment of his mother commenting on his kissing skills.  Olivia giggled at the effect Bernie had on her son.  She felt like joining in on the fun.

“Yea… I know you can do better than that…” Olivia said with a huge grin on her face as she turned to look at the seven shades of red his face was turning.

He grumbled low in his throat, part annoyance, part arousal, and he leaned in and captured Olivia’s lips, and kissed her deep.  Olivia gripped the collar of his coat and forgot they were in a cab with his mom.  She parted her lips and Elliot’s tongue found hers immediately and she softly moaned into him.

“Rockefeller Center… and hurry before these two become permanently stuck together.” Bernie said a little laughter in her voice.

Elliot broke their kiss, remembering his mother was sitting right there.

“Momma!” he said, and Olivia just laughed.


They had made it to Rockefeller Center and out onto the ice.  Elliot had fallen three times in the last hour and Eli and Noah were taking bets on how many times total he would.  Olivia hadn’t laughed so hard and so many times in… well she couldn’t even remember.

“Don’t let go of me….” Elliot said, clinging to Olivia.  She laughed again as they moved slowly around the rink.  It was beautiful out.  It was cold but being surrounded by Elliot’s family and Noah doing… family things was all the warmth she needed.

She felt Elliot start to jerk, trying to get his weight right, and he gripped her harder, his hands sliding tighter around her waist.

“Oh geez… El!” Olivia shouted, laughing.  “You’re gonna take both of us down!”  and just as she said the words, Elliot lost his balance, and down they both went.

Elliot had done his best to pull Liv in the direction over him, so she didn’t hit the ice, and they laid there, a pile of winter clothing laughing.

“Oh my god El…” Olivia said trying to catch her breath from laughing so hard.  “I’m so glad this will be a tradition… you skating is hilarious!” she said, and he added, “I don’t think you can call this skating.  It’s just falling.”

Olivia laughed again, and then carefully stood up.  She looked around for the kids, and Kathleen was standing a few feet away laughing at them.

“Noah! Eli!” she said.  “He fell again, but this time he took Olivia down with him!” Kathleen said.

Eli and Noah came flying around the corner of the rink and stopped at the pile that was Elliot still laying on the ice.

“Nice job Dad… maybe you should just stay down there.” Eli said smirking.  Noah laughed at Eli’s comment.

The two of them took back off around the rink.  Olivia smiled watching them.  It seemed like Eli was really enjoying this time with Noah.  It made her feel warm and fuzzy inside seeing Noah with Eli as well.  She knew Noah sometimes felt lonely with no siblings.  But now… she couldn’t help but think now… now he has five.

“I’m too old for this…” Elliot said, and Olivia looked back down at Elliot and laughed. 

“Hmmm… I wouldn’t say that…” she said eyeing him coyly.  “I think you just need better balance.”

She reached down to help him up, and Kathleen made her way over to help as well.  Once he was up, the three of them made their way over to Bernie who was sitting watching all the fun.

“How’s your butt Elliot? Not too bruised I hope?” Bernie said as he sat down next to her to take his skates off.

Olivia and Kathleen laughed again.

“Not as bruised as my ego… but I’ll survive.” Elliot said.  Olivia and Kathleen sat down and took their skates off as well.

“Hey Grandma, you want to go with me to get us something hot to drink?” Kathleen asked.

“Sure Katie.  Leave Olivia to mend your fathers…” she said, and Kathleen, Elliot, and Olivia all shot their heads to Bernie’s direction preparing themselves for whatever it was she was about to say.

She looked back at them bewildered why they reacted that way.  “…Ego…” she said finishing her sentence.  Kathleen chuckled.  “Come on Grandma…” she said, and they walked off towards the vendor cart on the other end.

Olivia shook her head and laughed again.  These Stablers were certainly going to keep her on her toes.  She turned to Elliot who was still tying up his boot.

“So… do you need me to mend… your ego?” she said slyly, her lips creeping up into a slow smoldering smile.

Elliot huffed out a laugh and turned to meet her face.  God she was beautiful.  He had never seen her smile so much or laugh so hard.  It was amazing.  Even if it was at his expense.

“Just knowing you’re here with me is all the ego boost I need…” he said, and his eyes shifted down to her lips. Olivia made a pouting face and he looked back up into those deep dark eyes of hers.

“Oh… so you don’t need me to kiss it better?” she said, and he almost melted into a puddle like a snowman left in the sun at her feet.

He swallowed hard and cleared his throat.  Olivia pouting would most definitely result in him giving her whatever she wanted.  Jesus Christ this woman…. He hoped she’d only use her powers for good.

“I will always need you to kiss it better…” he said, his voice low and thick.

Olivia leaned in and kissed his cheek.  “How’s that?” she questioned biting her bottom lip and smirking.

He huffed out a laugh.  “Well according to my mom, lame…” he said smiling.

“Ok let me try this…” she said and kissed the corner of his lips and lingered a little bit before she pulled back.  She looked at him, arching her eyebrow.

“Hmm… a little better…” he said baiting her.  He saw the glint in her eyes this time as she leaned in and grabbed his coat collar pulling his lips to hers.

She kissed him soft and lovingly.  Her lips sliding over his, not opening, but molding to his just enough to get his heart rate to spike and his temperature to rise.  She reluctantly pulled back and looked at him waiting for his approval. 

Elliot had to catch his breath.  She had made him feel lightheaded, and his skin felt like there was an electric current running across it.

“Better?” she asked, a little breathless herself.

“More than you know…” he breathed out and pulled her by her jacket to him.  He needed to feel her lips on him again.  He parted his lips this time and sucked on her bottom lip causing her to take in a sharp breath through her nose.  She moaned in the back of her throat, and it drove Elliot wild.  He needed more of her.  He wanted all of her, but they were in a public place.  He broke their kiss and grabbed her by the hand pulling her with him.

“El… what are you…” Olivia said breathless and startled by his sudden actions.  He had an iron grip on her hand and was storming his way through the crowd and around the corner.  The second he made it a few feet past the corner and away from all the other people he pushed her up against the side of the building taking her face in his hands and connected their lips again.

He took her mouth and breath and thoughts…. All she could think, and feel was Elliot.  He parted her lips with his and dove his tongue in her mouth.  She opened hers wider and let him take it deeper as his hands moved down to open her coat and slip inside grasping at her hips.

She moaned when his tongue slid across her bottom lip, and he moved his lips off hers and along her jawline.  She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he licked and sucked his way up her jaw and to her ear.

“Oh fuck…” she whispered as his lips sucked on her earlobe.  He was going to turn her into jelly.  She turned her head, so he had more access to her.  She would give him all the access he wanted. 

He growled deep in his chest as she offered more of her skin to him.  He moved his lips to the skin under her ear and sucked.  He locked his lips to her, and his tongue and teeth claimed her.  She moaned as he continued his assault on her neck.

He was going to leave a mark.  It hadn’t been his intention, but listening to her mewl against the wall, clinging to him, offering him her beautiful golden skin… he just couldn’t stop himself.  He had to taste her, take her, leave a mark.  His mark… on her skin.  He felt her hips buck into him, and he slid his hands down over her ass so he could pull her up into him.

“Oh fuck me….” She whispered to herself when she felt his erection hit her between her legs, and she pushed herself back against him looking for more friction.  He groaned hearing the begging in her voice, knowing he was the reason why. 

If he kept this up, the sucking and kissing her neck and thrusting himself into her, he was going to make her come.  She needed to stop this but how?  She almost didn’t care that she was a police Captain standing on the street in New York City about to have an orgasm caused by Elliot’s lips.

But she did need to stop him.  She felt herself getting wetter by the second and this couldn’t happen here.  She didn’t want the first time she orgasmed in front of him to be like this.  She wanted it to be naked in bed with him, Elliot wrapped all over her.  But how was she going to stop him.  He was lost in her, and he was melting her mind right now.  She felt him push himself into her again as his teeth scraped over her skin and she dug her nails into the back of his neck.

He moaned and released her neck from his lips.  They were both breathing heavy, and he dropped his head onto her shoulder.  Olivia smoothed her hand over the marks she made on his neck and softly peppered kisses along the cord of muscle there and up by his ear.  She felt him shiver and his skin broke out into goosebumps.  She smiled to herself knowing it wasn’t the cold causing the reaction on his skin, but her lips causing it.

He lifted his head and looked into her eyes.

“Sorry…” he said knowing the only reason she dug her nails in his neck the way she did was to get his attention.  He was so lost in her his need had taken over and he was losing control over himself.  But how could she blame him?  She was so beautiful and damn sexy.  He couldn’t be held responsible for the way his body reacted to her.

She smiled sweetly smoothing over the marks on his neck again.

“You don’t have to apologize El…” she said, her voice heavy and thick with lust and desire.  He moved one of his hands from her ass and brought it to her face to turn her chin to look at what he did to her neck.

“Well, you might change your mind when you look in a mirror…” he said laughing softly to himself.

She rolled her eyes at him, but she couldn’t keep the smile from her face.  As much as this mark she certainly knew he would leave on her neck may cause her some trouble later on in the week at work, she was incredibly turned on by it.  But only because it was Elliot who was finally claiming her skin as his.

“I think were even…” she said putting a little pressure on the back of his neck and he winced a little bit at the sting he felt.  He laughed a dark little laugh as she slid her hands up his neck.

“Oh Benson… you drive me crazy….” He said kissing her softly and then pulling back to admire her flushed cheeks and swollen lips as his hands slid back around her waist.

“Wait till you see what else I’m gonna do to you…” she said in her low throaty voice, and she felt him tighten his hands on her and groan.

“You are so goddamn sexy Liv…” he said, and he looked down her neck to the V of her sweater.  He licked his lips as he enjoyed the view that he could now truly enjoy.  He saw a hint of bright pink satin slip out under the blue of her sweater as she shifted in his arms.  He swallowed hard at the idea of Olivia wearing something specifically under her clothes just for him.

Olivia smiled to herself when she noticed what he was so enamored with.

“Is this for me?” he asked as he brought his right hand up to lightly touch the smooth fabric of her bra.  She inhaled sharply at his light touch and licked her lips.

She felt her breath quicken at his light touch.  She desperately wanted to feel his hands on her skin… all over her.  To feel him cupping her, caressing her breasts in his hands.  Those strong big hands of his.  Her mind was starting to spin again.  She had enough.  She needed to feel his lips and tongue and hands all over her naked body, and soon.

“Why don’t you take me home and find out…” she said

Chapter Text



She felt her breath quicken at his light touch.  She desperately wanted to feel his hands on her skin… all over her.  To feel him cupping her, caressing her breasts in his hands.  Those strong big hands of his.  Her mind was starting to spin again.  She had enough.  She needed to feel his lips and tongue and hands all over her naked body, and soon.

“Why don’t you take me home and find out…” she said.

Elliot stood there for a second looking deep into the eyes of the woman he loved more than his own life.  She was asking him to take her home.  Every time she confirmed she wanted him he felt his heart beat faster.  It beat for her… for them… for this journey they were finally on their way to making.

It was moments like this he treasured more than any other.  They were the firsts.  All his firsts with Olivia were stored in a special place in his mind.  And he remembered all of them like they happened yesterday.  The first time they met, the first time they fought, the first time she caught him looking at her in a way a partner shouldn’t look at his partner.  The first time he made her laugh… really laugh.  The first time their hands accidentally touched reaching for the same coffee cup. 

It was only a few days into their partnership, and he was grabbing for his mug.  The one he always used in the precinct but how would she know that, and she reached for it at the same time and the second their fingers touched it set his skin on fire.  She had looked up with that breathtaking smile and apologized, then asked if it was his.  He told her no, and she could have it… another first.  Little did he know he’d spend over a decade sharing all his things with her… and his heart.

The first time he saw her cry.  The first time they finished each other’s thoughts.  The first time he caught her looking at him.  The first time she gave him the silent treatment.  The first time they communicated without words.  The first time she stood so close to him he could smell her hair… the first time he dreamed about her.

And the first time he realized he was in love with her…

It was at their diner.  The first time he took her there.  It had been pouring rain all day and they were out re-canvassing for leads on a case.  He had finally had enough of the weather and asked if she wanted something to eat.

“Come on…” he said, “Let me buy you dinner.”

“You’re buyin’?” she asked, as she upturned the corner of her mouth into a small smile.

He laughed at her questioning look and made some comment about how he was nothing if not a gentleman. She followed him the few blocks to the diner and went in.  They were both soaked to the bone and went to sit in a booth by the window. 

She had let him order for her, and as they sat there talking about the case and getting comfortable, and it hit him in a quiet moment between them.  Nothing about this seemed… new, or awkward.  It felt like he had been sitting in this booth with her all his life.  The complete ease they had with one another after only a week on the job together.  Everything just… fit.  And suddenly he couldn’t imagine his life without her.  This breathtaking, strong willed, compassionate woman sitting across from him had stolen his heart.  So quickly and completely he didn’t even see it coming.  It was like the stars had aligned and the world felt right.  He didn’t know you could feel this way.  That love could feel like this.  And that’s what it was.


He had fallen in love with her.  The realization had shocked him to his core and yet at the same time it felt right.  It felt like something just clicked into place.  And then… he knew.

When you know… you know.

But knowing was the easy part.  Saying it out loud is the hard part.  He could know this for the rest of his life and never speak of it.  Saying it out loud… well… that would make it real.  Then he would have to do something about it, and it scared the shit out of him.  There were so many unknowns… and the thought of not knowing terrified him.  

There would be consequences.  He was married… with children, and she was a newly made detective and single.  He had no right to fall for her and yet he did.  But she was also his partner.  His new partner, and already the best one he had ever had.  He couldn’t lose her. 

So, in that moment he decided to keep this new revelation to himself.  He didn’t know where his life would go now.  He didn’t know what would happen between them, or if anything ever would.  All he knew in that moment was that he was in love with Olivia Benson… and would be the rest of his life.  Of that, he was certain.

That memory played in his mind every single day he spent away from her.  It was the moment his life changed.  The direction he was sure he was headed for suddenly shifted into a parallel universe where it would always be her and him.  And every day since that one he knew they were meant to be in each other’s lives.  At his lowest he tried to derail that… derail them… because he was… scared.  Because he couldn’t deal with his own feelings.  He’d never forgive himself for leaving her like he did… or for leaving her at all.

But now he had been given a second chance.  One he knew he didn’t deserve, but one he wouldn’t waste a second of.  They had a long, long list of firsts in their future, and he was going to make them count.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say that…” he said, still a little breathless… a little overwhelmed.

He felt Olivia tremble in his arms.  His words hit her like hers hit him… and it sent a tremble down his spine as well.

Suddenly he felt… nervous.  They were really going to do this.  He was finally going to make love to the one and only woman who was his absolute equal in every way… his absolute soulmate… the only woman who knows him… truly knows him. 

He wanted to please her and love her fully and wholly.  To meet every expectation… to make her feel his love… and even though they had touched and kissed and flirted and it all was more amazing than he could ever have imagined… he was nervous about this.  More than he thought he’d be.

Yes, he had dreamed a thousand scenarios of what it would be like to love and be loved by her physically and emotionally… and those had been utterly overwhelming, but the reality of all this truly about to happen… he wasn’t sure he had the capacity to withstand the astounding power of what they will most certainly have together.

But everything between them was natural.  Everything.  And this would be too.  He felt it deep down in his soul.  He let that thought wash over him as he held Olivia in his arms.

She was eyeing him a little.  She could always tell when he was going over things in his mind.  He let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Are you going to make me ask again?” Olivia said, her voice soft and little flirty.

Elliot laughed and grinned at her.

“Not ever…” he said as he moved his right hand down to hers and interlocked their fingers together.

“Are you ready?” he said, and she could hear the underlying nervousness in his voice.  He was nervous, and it was the sweetest thing.  She knew there was more to his question than just what was on the surface.

Olivia knew he was asking her not only if she was ready to finally cross this physical line with him, but also if she was ready to begin the next chapter of their lives… because what they were going to do would most certainly cement their lives together.

Their lives.

Not just her life… not just her and Noah… but his… his children’s… his mother’s.

Crossing this line was going to change everything.  They would be bonded in away they never had before, but in a way they were always meant to be… and it would fortify what they are to each other, what they had always been to each other, in this life and any other.  They would be forever intertwined.  Marked for each other.

And she was ready.

“Ready.” She said, her voice calm and clear so he knew undoubtedly, she truly wanted this.


By the time they had walked back to where they had left their skates, Bernie and Kathleen were sitting enjoying their hot chocolate watching Eli and Noah zoom around the rink.  Elliot and Olivia were hand in hand, her cheeks still flushed.

Bernie gave Olivia a knowing look as they sat down next to her.  Elliot pulled their conjoined hands over into his lap and softly stroked the back of her  hand with his thumb.  He wanted nothing more than to leave and take her home, but they couldn’t just disappear on everyone.

Just as Elliot was about to ask what everyone was planning to do tonight Kathleen stood and offered her hand to Olivia.

“Livy… let’s go get the boys.” She said.  Olivia looked a little shocked at this new nickname Katie had just given her, but she was more than happy to accept her hand and the name.

Elliot watched his daughter wind her arm around Olivia’s waist and Olivia accepted the invitation and place her arm over Katie’s shoulders as they walked down toward the rink.  They looked like mother and daughter walking together and it hit him hard.  He knew Liv would never try to replace Kathy for his children, but he couldn’t stop the warmth spreading over his chest at the sight of Olivia being a mother to Kathleen.

He knew no matter what, Olivia would always make sure Kathy was remembered.  Even though it was Kathy that basically wrote that letter to Liv, he knew Olivia wouldn’t let her own hurt over words Kathy said about their partnership tarnish her memory for his kids. 

She has always cared about his family.  Loved...

Loved his family.  Like they were her own and now… now they could be.  He sighed.  No… they will be he thought.

They are.

Bernie cleared her throat.

“So… I’ve made this very easy for you.  Katie and I are going to take Eli and Noah, as long as Olivia is ok with it, back to her place and go sledding and stay the night at Katie’s.”  She said turning to her son, seeing the look of shock on his face as his eyebrows lifted.

She paused waiting for him to say something, but he didn’t.  He sat there with his mouth slightly open just looking at her.

“This way you two can have the place to yourselves… don’t screw this up Elliot.” She said standing up.

“Momma… you… I… Kathleen…” he stammered.  He was having a hard time coming to grips with the fact his mother had just cleared the house for him and Olivia to… be alone… and the thought of his mother clearly knowing what was going to happen was… well a little hard to swallow.

She turned to face him.  “Elliot… don’t be so shy about this.  She’s the one.  We all know.  I see the boy in you when you look at her.  I don’t see obligation… or the weight of a responsibility you have to see through. I see you.  The real you that I thought was lost.  And she accepts you… faults and all.  She accepts this family… you two need some real time… just the two of you.  Time is fleeting and it’s all we have left.”

Elliot felt tears brim his eyes.  His mother may have her faults, just like they all did.  But seeing him and seeing through his bullshit was always a very crafted skill of hers.  He loved his mother.  He always had and knew just how fleeting time was.  He was more than grateful to still have her and make up for the years he spent pushing her away.

Making up for lost time… that seemed to be a theme in his life.

“Momma…” he huffed out as he grabbed her hand in his, squeezing it.  “Thank you.”


Olivia and Kathleen leaned on the edge of the rink watching Noah chase Eli around the ice making small talk about Noah.  Kathleen took a small inhale in and turned to look at Olivia.

“Thank you, Olivia.”  She said.

Olivia turned to Katie a little taken aback.  “Katie… for what? I should be telling you thanks.  For making this all so… wonderful for me and Noah.”

Kathleen smiled.  “Thank you for once again saving my dad… and this family.  You have always been there for us.  Even when you didn’t have to be…” she paused looking down at her hands.  “Even when we didn’t want you to be.” She said sighing.

Olivia saw the hurt in her face.  She knew Kathleen was thinking about all the times her parents would fight surly… over the job… or her father never being there… over her.  Olivia never asked Elliot, but she knew she was a sore spot in their relationship.  Which was part of the reason why she never crossed that line with him.  Part of why she always pushed to send him home at the end of the day.  Part of the reason Kathy felt the need to make Elliot write that letter.  And yet even then he had slipped one line into it without Kathy knowing… the one line that told her how he truly felt.

But in a parallel universe, it will always be you and I…

Even when Elliot would look at her from across their desks… she could see it.  The way he looked at her.  And a few times he almost asked something… something that would have changed their lives back then, but she always cut him short of asking.  She always sent him home.

Which in turn caused her own pain.  Burning… longing… loneliness.  She had felt the pull to him immediately.  He was like gravity.  Everything just… moved to him.  Herself included.  But the way he looked at her.  It was like… he only had eyes for her.  It used to hit her so deep down in her soul she couldn’t breathe.  And it hit her one day… he had feelings for her.  More than a partner should have… and she had them too.  It was dangerous to feel this way.

Even though she knew he felt about her back then, he was married.  So, it wasn’t even in the question.  But she did wonder.  Wonder if it was true.  Wonder if it was just… sexual, or if it was more.  But those were secret questions neither of them ever asked.  It was more than difficult to send the man she loved home to someone else every night, but to know… that would be… unbearable.  That would be… the end.  The end of their partnership… of them… so she never pushed, and instead did everything she could to help keep his family together.

“I will always be here for you Kathleen.  For you… for your siblings… your grandma.  That will never change.” Olivia said as she laid her hand over Kathleen’s.

“I just want to tell you how happy I am for you and my dad.  Were all happy about it.  It took Eli a little bit to get use to the idea… but…” she paused and looked out at Noah and Eli having the best time, “It seems like he’s happy he’s not the youngest one anymore.” She said chuckling.

Olivia laughed with her shaking her head.  “It means the world to me…” she said feeling herself get a little choked up, “That you guys have made Noah feel… so welcomed.” She finished putting her hand over her heart.  Her eyes were glassy with tears.  As much as she had done for Elliot and for this family, they had done so much for her.  And now for Noah.  The acceptance and love she felt was overwhelming, and her heart had never felt this full.

“He’s amazing Livy.  You’re such a good mother.  And I can’t wait to come see him dance.  He told me all about the show he’s going to be a part of in the spring.  So, make sure you get enough tickets.  We’ll all be there.” She said with a smile.

Olivia smiled wide and took a deep breath in and laughed.  She pulled Kathleen in and hugged her.  Really hugged her.  She wanted to tell her how much she loved her and thank her a million times over, but she wasn’t sure if it was the right time or not, and she didn’t want to make her feel obligated to say anything back.  But then Olivia was surprised again by Elliot’s beautiful daughter.

“I love you Olivia…” Kathleen said.

Olivia pulled back, and a few tears slipped down her face.  “I love you too Katie.” She said.

“I’d say welcome to the family, but you’ve always been a part of it.” Kathleen said with a sly smile.

Olivia laughed at that and tilted her head as she arched her eyebrow and shook her head at the thought. Kathleen was right.  She had always been a part of this family, but she had never let herself believe that.  It was too hard to want it, and know it wasn’t hers.  But hearing Kathleen say it now, and Elliot telling her last night.  It was official.  She was part of the family and so was Noah.

Her little family of two had just quadrupled in size.  Officially.


Olivia and Kathleen came back up to where Elliot and Bernie were with the boys.  Olivia pulled something out of her pocket and handed it to Kathleen and then stopped short and knelt in front of Noah a few feet away from everyone.  Elliot could tell she was asking Noah if he was ok with the plan for the night.  Kathleen must have told her what Bernie and she had come up with.

Noah seemed to be beaming with happiness.  This kid… this kid was all Olivia.  Even though he was adopted, he was all Olivia, and Elliot felt a stirring in his stomach at the thought of one day adopting Noah.  He wanted so much to be a father to her little boy.  A blended family… with the one true love of his life.

She stood up and kissed the top of Noah’s head and pointed to Elliot, a smile on her face.  Noah then turned and ran up to Elliot.

“Hey, you have a good time?” Elliot asked as Noah stopped in front of him.

“The best!” Noah said beaming.  “Thank you, Elliot, for the best Christmas ever!” he said and then Noah wound his arms around Elliot and hugged him.

Elliot let a breath and smiled up at Olivia who was standing there watching them with tears in her eyes.

He hugged Noah back.

“You’re welcome, bud.” He said trying to control his emotions, but it had been quite an emotional day.

“Come on Noah, we gotta get going.” Kathleen said.  “Your mom gave me a key to your apartment so we can go get your snow pants for sledding later and were going to drop off your skates and your moms.”

Elliot looked at Olivia who was now making her way to him and Noah.

“Bye Elliot!” Noah said and let go of Elliot to run to Kathleen and Eli.

“Bye Noah.” He said and turned to Olivia who was now standing next to him.  She took his hand in hers and intertwined their fingers.  He felt his breath hitch and suddenly he felt drunk with his desire for her.  He felt his heart start to beat faster, and his temperature rise as he looked into her eyes.

He broke their contact when Bernie came over to say goodbye.  She hugged Elliot, told him she loved him and then turned to Olivia.

She placed both her hands on her face and smiled.

“Beautiful… just beautiful.” She said, and Olivia blushed pursing her lips together not believing the compliment but knowing there would be no arguing with Bernie.  She hugged her and Bernie promised her Noah would be in good hands.

Elliot turned to Olivia as they watched them walk away, Noah skipping along side Eli.  He grabbed her hand and brought the other one up to her face, smoothing over her jaw and cheekbone until his fingertips were in her hair.

“You are you know…” Elliot said as his eyes roamed over her face.

Olivia took a sharp breath in at his smoldering stare.  “What…” she asked, in a high voice.  His hands on her skin and his eyes roaming over her were making her pulse beat in her ears.

“Beautiful… so beautiful.” He said his voice low, like he was talking to himself.  Olivia felt herself blush, and she began to shake her head unable to handle another compliment, but Elliot let go of her hand to bring it to her chin and pulled her face back up to his.

“Olivia…” he said as their eyes met.  His eyes were shimmering.  Full of love and desire and pure happiness.  “You are… the most beautiful…” he said his words getting stuck in his throat.  He was becoming overwhelmed by her beauty.

And not just her physical beauty.  And she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Everything about her features were unique and absolutely flawless.  But the beauty that shined from inside her… was… effortless.  Everything she had been through in her life didn’t pull her down… didn’t diminish her light… her compassion… her.  And she was the most beautiful… inside and out.

Olivia was captivated by Elliot.  The way he was looking at her now.  Deep down into her soul.  And it was the way he had always looked at her, but it was amplified by a million.  Like it was the first time he wasn’t bound by guilt or the weight of obligation.  He was really looking at her like he had always wanted to… fully and completely for the first time and it was taking her breath away.

“I love you Olivia… so much.” He said in almost a whisper.

He felt Olivia wind her arms around his waist and pull him closer to her.

“I love you too Elliot…” she said, blinking at the tears threatening to fall as the softest smile came across her face.

Elliot pulled her face to his and kissed her slowly.  He felt sparks fly at the soft connection of her beautiful lips to his, and it was everything.

She made everything in him come alive.  It was just like the thrill of walking side by side with her on the streets of New York again… as partners.  Except it was better.  Because now… now he was going to have everything with her.  He was going to have all of her and be able to give all of himself to her.  There would be no more moments where he would stand at his desk, not wanting to leave her, but knowing he had to go home and not to her.  Or moments where he succumbed to his feelings and stayed, ignoring Kathy’s calls and knowing the fight that would ensue the second he came through the door.  No more moments watching her leave him and go off into someone else arms.

He would be coming home to her.

She would be in his arms.

They would never have to choose again… because they had finally chosen each other.

They had chosen each other in the only way left they hadn’t.  They had chosen each other in their past over victims… over other cops… over his family… but now they were just… choosing each other.  Over everything.

To love… to be together… to have a family together… he was choosing her, and she was choosing him.

And it was everything.

Elliot broke his lips from hers and took a deep breath in, as he connected his forehead to hers.  He felt her sigh into him, and watched her tongue slide out over her bottom lip before she pulled it into her mouth.  He was amazed at how much they both affected each other.  He felt his arousal pull at his stomach and move lower.

What were they doing still standing here?  He wanted to take her home… he needed to.

He brought his head up and looked down into her stunning brown eyes.

“Come on Liv… I’m taking you home…” he said feeling this breathing pick up at his own words.

Olivia could see the pure desire swirling in the deep pools of blue looking back at her, and she felt the corner of her mouth turn upward into a smile as he grabbed her hand and pulled her with him to take her home.


The ride to his apartment was a tortuous one.  Every turn and bump in the road Olivia had slid closer to him and he knew she was testing his resolve to not fuck her in the back of the cab.  Which was almost broken when she set her hand on his thigh.

He wound his arm tight around her waist, pulling her closer to him and whispered in her ear, “You’re killing me Benson…” and then pressed his lips into her neck under her ear.  He was rewarded with a low soft moan escaping her lips and her hand gripping his thigh as his tongue slid over her skin.

The second the cab stopped Elliot tossed money through the slat and was pulling Olivia out of the car.  He was a force of nature pulling her with him to his front door.  Olivia could feel her skin tingling as they continued to get closer and closer to the moment, she had dreamed about for over twenty years.

The utter thought of just how much he wanted her… wanted this hit her hard and she was starting to get overwhelmed by it all.  But before she could say anything Elliot had gotten his door open and pulled her inside.  The second the door closed he was on her.  His lips sought hers out and took all her thoughts.

It was heated and passionate.  His hands moved up her to her face, holding her to him.  Her mind exploded with the want of it all.  She was the one who parted her lips, inviting him in with a small whimper and Elliot wasted no time sliding his tongue into her mouth.

Her hands moved up pulling his coat off, needing to feel more of him all over her.  She was met with the hard planes of muscle rippling under his shirt.  He was so… so… breathtaking.  How was it his body felt this way after more than five decades on this earth.

The second Olivia smoothed her hands over his chest and down his sides, he took that as an invitation to do the same.  El pulled her coat off her, not breaking their lips, and slid his hands around her waist and moved them down over her ass, and cupped her, pulling her to him.

Olivia pulled her lips from Elliot’s and moaned, throwing her head back against the wall that he had moved them up against.  She sucked in a breath, and gripped Elliot’s shoulders tight.

Elliot looked into her eyes, worried that maybe she had changed her mind about this.  Not about them, but this… doing this now.  He realized he had been so swept up in her and them, and how much he loved her that he had kind of just… taken control.

And there was a little hesitancy in her eyes.  He felt his heart drop, but it was ok.  He didn’t want to take things faster than she was comfortable with.  He had waited for this for… well twenty-three years, so a little longer wouldn’t kill him.

He took a deep breath in, and loosened his grip on her, bringing his hands back up to her waist.

“Liv… you ok?” he asked, clear concern in his voice.  His eyes told her a different story.  She could see he was worried she had changed her mind.  But she hadn’t.  She wanted this to happen.  She was tired of waiting, but it had just stunned her… the want, the need, the desire of it all, of them, and it was just too much and not enough and had overwhelmed her.  Now she was the one who was nervous.

She took a deep breath in and moved her left hand from his shoulder and placed it over his heart.  His lovely heart.

“Yea…” she said, suddenly feeling shy.  “It’s just…” she said pausing looking for the right words, “… a lot…” she finished, rolling her eyes at her inability to articulate herself better.

Elliot chuckled softly, knowing exactly how she felt.  Always so in sync.  He moved his hands over her biceps and rubbed his thumbs over her muscle there.

“We don’t have to do this…” he said, and felt her stiffen a little, so he added, “…now… I mean…” and he felt her immediately relax.

He felt his heart start to beat a little faster at the conformation that she did want this to happen, and it eased his own worry.

“El…” she said her voice throaty as she swallowed hard.  He felt his cock twitch at the tone in her voice as she said his name.

“I want this… you…” she said, and he felt himself start to grow hard just at her words. 

“…more than you know…” she continued, and her eyes shifted down to his lips and lingered for a second before she brought them back up to his eyes and continued.  She was killing him.  Her words… her voice… she wanted him, and heat was starting to spread across his skin.

“Just… give me a few minutes, ok?” she asked softly.

He breathed out slowly doing his best to control himself and give her the time she needed.  He nodded and kissed her cheek.

“Of course…” he said.  He let his hands slid down her arms and he grasped her hands in his for a second before he moved to pick up their coats and hang them on the coat rack.

“How about I get us a drink?” he asked, and she nodded as they walked into his kitchen.  He had turned to look at her, but she must have kept moving into the living room.

“Wine?” he said, a little louder so she could heart him.  He grabbed a bottle and turned to see where she had went.

Olivia came back into the kitchen with her large purse she had brought with her and left here when they went ice skating.

“Sounds good… I’ll just be a minute…” she said, her voice a little shaky.

“Ok Captain… I’ll be right here.” He said using her rank to let her know she was in charge here, and he was more than happy to go at any pace she set.

Olivia smiled at him, telepathing she got his message.  She made her way to the bathroom but stopped before she went in and turned to look at Elliot.

“Why don’t you wait for me in your bedroom… detective…” she said.

Elliot felt his pulse start to race, and he thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest.

“Copy that Captain…” he choked out, and Olivia turned and went into his bathroom and closed the door.


“Ok… ok…” Olivia said running her hands through her hair.  She couldn’t believe how nervous she was.  She was pacing a little bit in Elliot’s bathroom trying to slow her breathing down.

They were really going to do this.  She couldn’t believe this was actually going to happen.  What if… it wasn’t good… what if… they had waited all this time and it wasn’t what they had built up in their minds.

She was starting to spiral.  She stopped herself and placed her hands on the sink and looked at herself in the mirror.

It was going to be good.  How could it not be?  They had just built this up and fantasized… and there were so many years… too many years of denying what was right in front of them.  But she wanted this.  He wanted this...

They were going to see each other naked.  Elliot was going to have his hands all over her skin, his mouth… and she was going to touch him, love him… this was going to happen.  She was finally going to know all the things she’d ever wondered about.  What he looked like, how he felt inside her… his taste… his smell… the way he sounded… how he moved… and he was going to know those things about her too.

She bit her lip and just when she thought maybe she was calm enough to prepare herself for him, another revelation hit her.  He was going to see her scars.  Scars he didn’t know.  Would he ask her about them?  Would he even see them?  They were faded, but still there.  She had worked hard on diminishing them on her body.

She shook her mind… no this was about them… nothing and no one was going to ruin this for her… for them.

But her body…

Another thought hit her.  Neither one of them were the people they were when he left her.  It had been ten years.  And besides all the emotional baggage between the two of them, there was physical baggage as well.  He looked so damn good… better than he had ten years ago and how that was even possible was crazy… but she looked different.  Not as thin, a few more curves… and she was happy with herself, but… would he be?

She stood up and touched her face, let her fingers slid down her neck, and she turned her head.  Then she saw the mark he had left on her neck earlier.  She pulled her hair back to get a better look at it.  She felt her cheeks flush, and a smile broke out on her face.

She was crazy to think he wouldn’t be satisfied with her.  He couldn’t keep his hands off her.  Every second since he had first kissed her, he found every way possible to keep her close to him, and his hands found their way onto her body every chance they got.  And when he had kissed her in her car, she could feel how much he wanted her.  He was hard for her then, and hard for her outside by the ice rink…

She took a deep breath in and slowly let it out.  This was going to be good.  There is no way something this… powerful… this deep… this… infinitely unwavering could be anything but good.

What was she doing?  The man she loved, who she had always loved, and loved her was waiting for her.

And she was ready.


Elliot had poured two glasses of wine and made his way into his bedroom.  He set the glasses down and looked at his bed.  He pictured Olivia… asleep in his arms… peaceful… after hours of them together, loving each other.  He was hard just thinking about it.

He took a deep breath and ran his hand down his face.  The anticipation of this… of them… of seeing her naked and being able to touch her and kiss her and love her the way he had always wanted to… the way she deserved to be loved… it was killing him.

Every minute that ticked by felt like hours.  He didn’t know what to do with himself while he waited.  He finally decided to just sit on his bed, facing the open door and just… wait.  He turned to grab his wine glass, hoping maybe it would start to take the edge off and his peripheral vision caught something.

He turned to look and saw Olivia walking through the now darkened hallway and into his door frame.

She was wearing a deep blue silky robe tied up with a bright pink bow.  He felt his jaw go slack, and his breath got caught in his throat.

Olivia smiled at his obvious reaction to her.

“Are you ready to open your present?”

Chapter Text

Olivia was standing there glowing like an angel.

Elliot swallowed hard, his utter thirst for her evident.  She had rendered him speechless.  He sat there like an idiot, unable to speak because the love of his life was standing there, waiting for him to undress her and she had never looked more beautiful.

Olivia smirked to herself; her earlier fears dissolved with the look on his face, and moved towards him.  He took a deep breath in and let it out.  She moved to stand between his legs and his limbic system jumpstarted his motor functions.  He moved his legs to accommodate her.

Olivia stood there and she could feel herself shaking internally.  He was eyeing her like she was a goddess, and it was making her knees weak.

Elliot let his eyes roam over her body, the silk clinging to her curves, and his mouth started to water.  He was finally going to see her… all of her, and he wanted her so bad, but he wanted to savor this first.  He didn’t want to rush this.  His mind was on fire, and his body was electrified by the woman standing between his legs… but still… he wasn’t going to rush.

Or he was going to damn well try.

He slowly moved his hand to the ribbon around her waist as his eyes made their way back up to hers.  She took in a quick breath as his fingers pulled at the fabric, but his eyes never left hers.  He slowly pulled at the pink silk, and the bow fell apart as her robe slipped open loosely.

His breathing began to pick up and he kept his eyes locked on hers for a second more telegraphing how big this moment was for him, and knowing how big it was for her, and then he let his eyes move down.

He huffed out a huge breath of air as the sight of Olivia Benson standing in front of him in only a pink satin bra, matching panties and a blue silk robe on.  His eyes roamed over her perfect golden skin.  His brain was on sensory overload, but he needed to make a quick inventory in his mind of the absolutely perfect vision in front of him.

“So perfect…” he whispered, barely audible, but it was quiet in his bedroom and Olivia shivered at his words.

But she was burning inside.  She could feel his eyes moving over every part of her, and she was dying for his hands.  She needed his connection… she needed to see him and feel him as much as he needed to see her.  So, to move him out of this trance he was in she moved her hands to her shoulders and slipped the robe off.  It pooled at her feet and his eyes widened.  It was like he forgot there was more of her.

He had been so enamored with her and all her skin, and the curve of her hips, and the swell of her beautiful full breasts that he forgot.  He forgot he could do more than look… and there was a lot he wanted to do.

His hands slid up her thighs, and she exhaled sharply as he finally put his hands on her.  He moved them smoothing over her hips following the line of her silk panties and he moaned when his hands found there was no fabric covering her ass.  She was wearing a thong… and had been this whole time.  A matching pink set of satin lingerie just for him.  She had gotten up this morning after his voice had made her come and she put this on with the sole thought of him seeing it.

She wore this just so he could take it off her… and in that moment his mind was clear.  That was the only thing he wanted to do right now.  Take it off her and see all of her for the first time.

He felt his dick twitch as it strained against the confines of his pants.

“El…” Olivia whimpered, and her voice shot straight to his groin, and he looked up.  Her eyes were closed, and her head had fallen back.  Her hands came to grip his forearms to keep her balance and in an instant, he stood pulling her body to him and turned her, throwing her down on his bed.

He crawled on top of her, still fully clothed, and sought out her lips.  She moaned a high pitch moan, the same one he heard over the phone, and he felt his resolve to take this slow start to disintegrate.

His kiss was fervent.  His lips moved over hers, taking and tasting as his hands slid over the outside of her thighs, gripping and rubbing her skin as his body made its way between her legs.  Her body began to tremble.  Elliot Stabler was between her legs and yet he was still fully clothed, and her body could barely handle it.  Oh boy she thought… oh boy… she was in trouble.

He smiled to himself remembering their phone conversation.

“What else will you be doing… next time… after I’m naked.”

She wasn’t fully naked yet, but that was going to change now.

He broke their kiss and sat back on his heels and looked at her.  Her hair was splayed across his bed, her lips were parted and swollen, her cheeks pink, her eyes locked on him.  Her body was trembling, and her legs were rubbing against the outside of his thighs.  All he could think was he’d never seen a more beautiful sight.

“El… please…” she begged, her voice high and mewling.

Her eyes looked… hungry, and he realized he wasn’t playing fair.  She had given him the gift of her beautiful body to look at and he hadn’t returned the favor.  He moved to stand, kicking his shoes off and then pulling his shirt off over his head quickly.  He unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down, stepping out of them so he could return to his love.

He moved back over her, between her legs and her hands immediately found purchase on his muscular arms.  The sound that came out of her as her hands touched his skin and moved over his newly bare chest were almost his undoing.  And then without warning, Olivia moved her hands away from him and under her back.  She quickly unhooked her bra and pulled it off herself and threw it to the floor and he was mesmerized.

He huffed out a breath and his eyes roamed over her breasts.  He felt heat break out over his neck and chest.

“Oh Liv…” he huffed out, arousal saturating his voice.

They were perfect.  He had imagined what she had looked like for years.  And now his brain could barely handle the actual knowledge of what was in front of him.  They were full, beautiful… and her caramel-colored skin was begging for his mouth.  A ripple of goosebumps spread across her and her nipples were already hard peaks, wanting him, and his mind went back to their earlier conversation.

“Well… first… I’d kiss those lips of yours… those beautiful lips… those lips that drive me crazy… and taste you until we are both out of breath… then I’d move down over your jaw…”

Elliot brought his lips back to hers and kissed her hard.  He felt Olivia bring her knees up and she wrapped her legs around his waist and her hands gripped his arms.  Elliot moaned in her mouth and then moved over her jaw, under her ear and down her neck as his words echoed in his mind.

“Under your ear… and down your neck… I’d spend some time, delicately kissing your collar bone…”

He had his weight in his palms by her head and he kneeled back as his lips trailed over her collar bone.  He lightly traced it with his tongue, and then moved across her throat to the other side.  He kissed his way over her breastbone

Olivia moaned, knowing exactly what he was doing.  He was doing what he had promised to do when he got her naked for the first time.  Oh yea… she was in trouble.

“Then I’d move down to your breasts…”

Olivia could hear his voice in her head.  She moaned as he sat back a little and moved his hands to her waist and slowly moved them up.

“I’d tease you first… use my fingers to make you moan… and then pull one of your nipples in my mouth… and suck…”

His hands hadn’t even touched her breasts yet and she was already starting to come undone.

The second his thumbs brushed the underside of her breasts she moaned his name, and arched into him, closing her eyes.  He immediately filled his big strong hands with her and could feel himself waver at the reaction it elicited from Olivia.

“Oh God Elliot… yessssss… oh Elliot…” she moaned.  He moved back over her, putting his weight on her and a little in his left elbow so he could watch her as his right hand moved over her breasts and his fingers found her nipple.

She yelped as he gently pulled at her nipple with his thumb and index finger and her head shot up.  She wanted to watch, and he groaned at the idea of it.  He decided to give her what she wanted as he lowered his mouth to the top of her breast and sucked.

She melted into his mattress when she felt his teeth nip at her skin.  Her hands slid up around his neck keeping him glued to her as his mouth sucked its way to her nipple.  She sucked in a hard few breaths as his mouth closed over her nipple and his tongue swirled around her.

She was losing it.  This man… this man was making her feel things she’d never felt before.  She wasn’t a stranger to foreplay, but this was… this was something else.  She couldn’t even call it that.  Usually, it was something that other men glossed over to get to the end result, or sometimes didn’t even bother with, but Elliot….

He was… savoring her.  He was enjoying every inch of her, and in no hurry to speed it along.  She had never had someone… drive her this crazy with just their mouth.  She knew things would be different with Elliot… but this… she wasn’t expecting it to be so… inextricably overwhelming… intense… and earth shattering, and he hadn’t even been inside her yet.

He was loving her…

This is what it was to be loved…

And to be loved by Elliot Stabler… it was something etheral… and eternal… and just the closest she had ever felt to understanding religion and the blind unwavering belief in it.  She would walk up to the edge of the earth for this man… she would defend him, support him, love him… she would die for this man.  And the scariest part was he would most certainly, and undoubtedly do the same for her.

Every touch was saturated in want and lust but laced with love and trust.

As if she couldn’t love him anymore then she already did, he found another way to make her heart sing.

It sent a shot of electricity down into the pit of her stomach and straight into her core.

She felt herself dripping and throbbing with want, and she needed a little friction otherwise she might just die right here in his arms.  She moved her hands to his shoulders tightened her grip on his waist with her legs and rocked into him hitting his erection.

Elliot moaned loudly tearing his mouth off her, trying to catch his breath, but his body reacted differently, and he thrust himself back into her hitting her core through his boxers and the soaked scrap of material covering her.

“Oh fuck!” she yelled, and she could feel her toes curling as she clung to him.  He felt her trembling and her body tighten and he knew she was on the edge.  He could tell she was trying to hold on, trying not to let go, and he wasn’t about to have any of that.  He wanted to make her come over and over again for the rest of her life, starting tonight.

He lifted himself up on his palms, not wanting to miss the first time he himself physically caused her to orgasm and looked deep into her eyes.

“It’s ok Liv…” he panted, on the edge of his control.  She brought her hands to his neck, her thumbs brushing along the hair on his face.  Her eyes were dark and full of love and lust and absolute trust.

“Just come…” he said, and that combined with another thrust of his hips sent her over the edge.

“OH ELLLL… OH MY GOD ELLIOT!” she screamed as her orgasm ripped through her.  He watched her lose herself in her pleasure.  He was so hard and turned on watching her ride out her orgasm… the first of many orgasms he was going to give her, he was starting to feel light-headed.

She gripped him tight and pulled him down to her, needing to feel his skin against hers as her orgasm continued.  He brought his lips to her ear and pulled her earlobe in his mouth and sucked.  He felt her shake and moan again.

Every touch was now electric.  Every breath, every moan… was sending him into such a heightened sense of arousal he was worried he might not make it.  She was everything.  Her reaction to him, the way her body moved… the sensual sounds she made and the way her hands gripped him, wanting him… it was all more than any dream or fantasy he had ever had of her, and so completely pure.  Not a second of this wasn’t real.  It was all real.

He slowed his kisses on her neck, his tongue lazily moving over her delicate skin as she swallowed and licked her lips.  She was in a daze.  A blissful daze of everything Elliot.

She had never come before just from forplay.  She was still trying to get a grip on herself and this new reality of theirs, but Elliot had other ideas.

His lips came up and claimed hers again, this time it was slow, and soft and just… lovely.  He was slowly giving her air and bringing her back to him.  She could feel the wetness between them, now soaking through his boxers and she felt a little bit embarrassed suddenly at how quickly he had made her come and she wasn’t sure why. 

She felt him shake the tiniest bit, and she broke their kiss.

“Sorry…” she said, trying to adjust herself, to make him more comfortable, but he stopped her.

“For what Liv… being the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen?  Cause you really don’t need to be sorry for that.” He said, a slight joking tone in his voice.  He couldn’t for the life of him wonder why she would say she was sorry.

He brought his mouth back to skin, too involved with tasting it to wait for her answer.

She felt her cheeks blush, and she smoothed her hands over his back.  He was slowly bringing her back to the edge with just his weight on her and his lips on her neck.

“I… don’t know… because…” she huffed out a breath trying to figure out why she felt this way.  Maybe it was because in her past experiences with other men, she was more concerned for them and their pleasure, then they had ever been about her.  And Elliot had made her come with her panties still on and didn’t seem worried about his own release in the slightest.  This was new and different and yet so… Elliot.  His concern had always been for her, even when she didn’t want it to be.  He had a tendency to be annoying about it in their past, but now… now it was a welcomed breath of fresh air.

And yet she didn’t quite know how to feel… she had never had a man care about her and love her as much as Elliot did and she was doing her best to wade through all the emotions she was feeling right now.

She just needed to let it happen.  She just needed to let him love her… and to love him the way she had always wanted to.

His tongue sliding across her skin was making it difficult for her to think.  She felt her body slowly rocking back into his as he continued his slow assault on her neck.

Elliot stopped to look at her.  He smoothed his hands in her hair and let his thumb trail over her face, and down to her lips.  Even though he had more he wanted to do, he wanted to make sure she was ok.  This was… amazing and overwhelming and everything he could have asked for and more and he wasn’t going to let anything ruin this for her… for him… for them.

He wanted to make sure she knew he was listening to her.  He was here for her.  His life was now dedicated officially to her and her son, and his children… their family.  And he knew a part of him had always been dedicated to her.  But he could now openly show that.  And making sure she was ok and happy and loved and felt safe and secure were his top priorities.

“Because what Olivia?” he asked softly.  He was waiting for her answer and could see her battling a little in her mind.  There was something there, but he couldn’t quite figure it out.

She sighed looking into his eyes.  There was so much love there.  Her heart was flooded with the purest emotions she had ever felt, and they were all for him.

“I just…” she took a deep breath in, knowing this confession was hard for her.  She had never been this forward or open with a man laying between her legs.  Never.  Never before or after and certainly not in the middle of sex...  but that was the difference.  It was just sex with all the other men.  With Elliot it was so much more.  Loving Elliot was different, and she knew she could tell him anything and he would still look at her the same way.

Elliot looked at her face, and he could see that little something in her eyes.  He knew she wasn’t one to openly say how she was feeling, but things had been different since the moment he kissed her.  So, he would wait.  He would give her all the time she needed to open up to him.

He was about to tell her it was ok, and they could slow down, and she didn’t need to say anything, he would be here for her forever, but he felt relief wash over him when she decided to continue.

“I have never been… treated like this Elliot… I just don’t know how to… handle the feelings I’m having.  It’s… scary… and wonderful… and you… you… are the only man… I’ve ever given my heart to completely.  You have all me Elliot…” she said placing her hand on his face, “You… always have.” She finished, knowing this was the first time she had ever said exactly how she was feeling, and the weight she felt that lifted off of her heart was such a relief.  This wouldn’t be the last time either.  Just like she promised herself she would never leave Elliot wondering if she wanted him, she would never shut him out and keep her feelings under lock and key.  She would always tell him exactly how she was feeling.

Elliot felt his heart squeeze in his chest.  How in the world did he deserve her.  How was he here… with this angel laying in his bed, confessing her love for him.  How?

He decided he didn’t need to question it, he just needed to accept it.  He was the luckiest man in the world.

“Olivia… I…” he started but he felt his words get stuck in his throat as emotions washed over him.

“I love you… more than I thought I could ever love anyone.  From the first day I met you… I knew.  I just… knew… it’s always been you Olivia.  And I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you.” He said and he couldn’t keep the tears threatening from falling any longer.

Olivia brushed his tears with her fingers, and smiled softly, just beaming with light, and then her eyes darkened right in front of him, and her face became serious.  She smoothed her hands down his arms and along his sides.  Her light touch sent a shiver down his spine.

“Make love to me Elliot…” she whispered, shattering his last thread of resolve.

Chapter Text

Elliot took a second to fully take in what Olivia has just said to him and then his mind, body, and soul was consumed by her.

There was nothing more breathtaking in this world than Olivia Benson laying naked beneath him, asking him to make love to her.

And the way her eyes changed in an instant… it was like she wasn’t from this world… maybe she was actually an angel… mixed with something sinister because the things he wanted to do to her were far from holy.

His mouth crashed into hers and took… everything.  He took her lips, her breath, her tongue… they were all his now.  She was his, and he was going to have her in every way possible.

Her hands grasped for purchase on any part of him as he overtook her mouth.  He was all muscle, hard and strong, and she had never felt safer in her life.  She wasn’t afraid that he could overpower her if he wanted to.  She knew he would never hurt her.

Elliot moved his weight so he could bring his knees up, spreading her legs wider without breaking his mouth from hers. 

He moved his right hand down her body twisting the only material left on her body with his fingers so he could start to pull them down.

He broke their kiss and looked at her face.  Just to make sure this was still ok… this was still what she wanted.   There was no doubt… no hesitancy.  Just… just love.


He had enough.  He moved from off the top of her and she sat up on her elbows to see what he was doing.

He pulled his boxers off, discarding them, keeping his eyes on her the whole time.  Olivia held his gaze for a second, and then, because she couldn’t help herself, she let her eyes roam over his bare chest and down, moving slowly over his stomach and her breathing started to pick up.

She let her eyes follow the V cut of muscle in his hips, and she felt the anticipation of what she was about to see wash over her.  She was finally going to see all of him… see what she’d only ever dreamed about, and it was a big deal.  This would forever change them.  There was no going back after this.  She knew the second she looked at him, fully naked and hard… for her, there was no way she would ever not want him.  Officially.

And then, it meant it was her turn.  He would see her… all of her.  There would be nothing left between them physically… or emotionally… just two soulmates finally connecting the very last piece of their beautiful and tortured story.

She let her eyes drop and took all of him in.  She felt a whoosh of arousal hit her hard.  He had already made her come once with just the friction of his body and now she surely knew he was going to completely wreck her.  He was long and hard… and just beautiful.  She never doubted he’d be big.  The way he walked, and all the brash cockiness came from somewhere.  In her experience most men like that were compensating for something.

But not Elliot.

Olivia felt her pulse pick up, and she let her tongue slide out across her bottom lip before she tugged it with her teeth into her mouth.

Elliot stood there and let her look at him.  It wasn’t for his ego, even though it was definitely bolstering his self-esteem right now seeing how hungry for him she looked, but it was for her.  She had let him undress her, let him look… let him take her in, been vulnerable, and he wanted to do the same for her.

He could feel her eyes on his body.  He had always wondered how it would feel to have Olivia openly gaze at him and it was more than he could ever have imagined.  The look she had in them, the heat… the passion… the desire.  It was overwhelming.

“Liv…” Elliot said a little breathlessly.  As much as he loved how she looked like she could eat him whole, he was standing on the edge of his own control, and he just needed to feel her… all of her.

Elliot’s voice was like a magnet and her eyes shot right back to his the instant her name left his lips.

“You’re… beautiful…” she said as her eyes roamed over him once more, and when she looked back into his eyes, hers were sparkling.  They were honied and shimmering and he’d never seen anything like this in his life… like her… the way she was looking at him.  He’d never seen her eyes just… shine like that.

Hints of it maybe… anytime he showed his sensitive side, anytime he held a baby… he would see a little bit of this in her eyes, but she had really held herself back from him.  Held back her feelings and emotions… probably to protect herself.  He could see that now.  But she wasn’t holding anything back anymore, and it meant more to him than he would ever be able express.  She really had given him more than any other man in her life during their partnership except for the one piece he had wanted above all else… her heart.

He knew now it was his.  And the funny thing was, she had his all along.  She had always had it.

To be openly loved by Olivia Benson… was remarkable beyond his wildest dreams.

To have Olivia look at him fully for the first time was like witnessing a miracle.

Suddenly he felt the raw emotion of this moment wash over him.  His breath caught in his throat, and he felt the burning of tears line his eyes. Olivia smiled softly at him, knowing what he was feeling because she was feeling the same.

She needed to push them into the next phase of this new and beautiful story of theirs.  The heaviness of all their years, and all the hurt and pain and love and trust was crushing her, and lifting the layers of weight on her heart at the same time and she could only take so much of this crazy swirling of emotion.

She needed him to remind her of the here and now, and the time they were going to make up.

She moved to the edge of the bed and started to remove her thong pushing him back into the moment, but Elliot had other ideas.

“Wait…” he said.  “Let me…” and he moved to stand in front of her and knelt down on the floor between her legs.  They had started this at the ice rink hot and heavy, and then again moments before he made her come, but now all he wanted to do was make love to her slowly.  Take hours to love her fully like he had promised her.

His hands slipped over the tops of her thighs, and he felt her shiver.  He moved his hands slowly to hook his fingers in the fabric of her thong and he lightly tugged it down as she shifted to help him, and he freed her of the last piece that was separating them.

He tossed it aside and his hands found their way back to her starting at her feet.  He squeezed them as he moved up to her calves and kneaded her muscle there, his eyes never leaving hers.  He moved over her knees, up to her thighs and rubbed his hands over her, feeling all of her smooth skin.

His fingers were warm, sending goosebumps across her skin.  He was leaving a trail of heat, and it was fiery, and she needed more.  She could feel herself getting wetter and her head was spinning.  Her pulse was beating in her ears and every second he spent softly touching her while his eyes looked into her soul, was excruciating and just… absolutely divine.

Olivia placed her hands on his and let them move up his forearms and over his muscular arms, leaving her own trail of heat as her fingers learned all the dips and rises of his bare skin.

Elliot closed his eyes, and a deep low moan left his mouth and he leaned his face in close to hers.  He brushed her cheek with his nose as he sighed gripping her hips before his hands moved over her ass and down underneath her pulling her to the edge of his bed.

He moved his lips to her ear and whispered, “I wanna taste you… I can’t wait anymore.” And Olivia whimpered, gripping his arms harder, and her core was throbbing.  His lips met the skin under her ear, and he slowly sucked.  She whimpered again at the slow searing way he was taking and owning every inch of her skin.

She closed her eyes and tilted her head to give him better access and her hands slid up to his neck and gripped him.  She let out a slow low moan.

Elliot smiled as he continued to suck on her neck, and he moved down across her collar bone as his hands grabbed her ass pulling her closer to him.  He felt her spread her legs wider and his mind started to melt with the heat he felt between her legs.

Olivia slid her hands down, pulling him up against her body because now he would never be close enough.  She needed to feel his skin all over her as he continued with his mouth.  She whimpered when his mouth trailed low and over the tops of her breast. 

This man was talented.  For all the times she wanted to punch him in the face for the careless things that had tumbled out of that mouth, and the arguments they had in the past, this made it all worth it.  To have that mouth trailing open mouthed kisses along her breasts, while his hands gripped her ass was making her body come alive.

More alive than she had ever felt.  Even when she was young, and every new experience was exhilarating, it had never been like this.  She had never felt this way or had one person know her body and how to play it better than him.  And that’s what he was doing.

He was playing her body like an instrument.  All the right movements… to produce the perfect sounds.  His hands in the perfect places, his tongue setting the right rhythm, his lips somehow knowing every curve and dip.

Hell, he was composing a damn symphony on her skin.

Elliot moved his mouth lower over her ribcage, and Olivia decided to lay back on her elbows to give him all the room he wanted.  Her body trembled knowing where he was going, and soon he was going to know exactly how much he turned her on.

He moved down to her hip, and she felt him take in a deep breath, and then a low growl came out of his mouth, and she could feel the vibration of his voice as it spread across her skin.  He was driving her crazy with this slow assault.

Elliot grazed his teeth over her hip bone, and he took another deep breath in.  She smelled so good, and his mouth was watering.  He had dreamed of tasting her, dreamed, on more than one occasion, of making her come with lips and tongue.

He moved from her hip and looked at her for the first time.

“Fuck me…” he murmured.  She was beautiful and dripping wet for him.  “You’re so wet…” he said completely captivated with the physical reaction her body had to his.  He swallowed hard and looked up at her face.  She was breathing hard, her cheeks flushed, and her eyes had turned almost black.

“You’ve always done this to me…” she whispered letting her confession sweep over them and she saw the moment it hit him.  His eyes turned the deepest blue she’d ever seen.

It was quite a confession.  Now when he looked back into their past… into their partnership there were so many things that would hit differently.  All the signs were there.  They were both so hopelessly in love with each other it was no wonder Cragen always looked like he was about to have a heart attack.  Everyone saw it, and yet they kept it from each other.

Well… not anymore.

He brought his hands to her inner thighs lightly brushed her with his thumb and he felt her legs quiver and and sucked in a sharp breath.

“Oh Elliiotttt….” She huffed out.  “You’re driving me crazy… please….” She begged.

“Hmmm….” He moaned.  The high pitch tone in her voice when she said his name was hitting him square in the groin.  He needed to hear that again.

This time he put his thumb farther down, and let it run up her opening, teasing her, coating himself in her, and then he put a little pressure on her clit, and this time when she moaned his name her thighs tightened around him, and he felt her toes curl into the backs of his calves.  She let her head fall back as he started to make her spiral.

Then without warning she felt his nose brush her core and he slid his tongue over her, letting it circle her quickly before he wrapped his lips around her clit and sucked.

“You taste so fucking good…” he rasped, and drove his tongue inside her, wanting more.  He began to alternate sliding his tongue inside her and slipping it up to flick her clit and then pulling her into his mouth and sucking.

His cock was so hard it was throbbing.  There was nothing in this world like giving Olivia pleasure.  He could feel himself twitch at every sound coming out of her mouth knowing he was the reason behind it.  He could feel his precum start to seep out him.

He gripped her ass tighter with is hands, keeping his face buried between her legs.

Olivia moved her hands to the back of his head as she rolled her hips feeling his beard brushing the inside of her thighs.  She was sure he was going to leave a burn there, but he was sending her over the edge, and she needed more.

“OH GOD EL… you’re gonna make me come!” she yelped and, in that split second, he decided he couldn’t wait any longer to be buried deep inside her and feel her come around him and he bolted up and over her pushing her back up on the bed and buried himself inside her.

She screamed, and was overtaken by the surprised change of pace, and finally… finally Elliot was where he always belonged.

Olivia’s whole world imploded as he made her come harder than she ever had.  All she could see, and feel was Elliot.  Sparks of white-hot light surrounded her as she lost herself in the deep blue hues of the eyes of the love of her life.

Elliot Stabler was buried to the hilt inside her and it was perfect.  He was perfect and she was clinging to consciousness as her orgasm continued to rip though her.

As she was starting to come back from the orbit he sent her into she felt him shaking a little.  He was trying not to come undone, and it was the sweetest thing.

She knew this first was just as overwhelming for him as it was for her.  They were finally connected.  Finally, one.  And it wasn’t just how amazing he felt, and how he stretched her and how he fit so incredibly perfect inside her.  It was how right it felt.  How right she felt, and he felt, and they felt.

This was always meant to be.

They both felt completely whole.  There was nothing in this world they couldn’t face now.  The connection was complete and now utterly unbreakable.  Bonded in every way humanly possible.

Olivia moved her hands to his face and felt her own tears prick her eyes as she wiped away the few that were now slowly trailing down his face.  She was never one to cry… especially during sex, but this was more than that… it was more than love, more than trust… more than everything.  This was two worlds finally colliding and becoming one universe.  The only universe.  Their universe.

“I love you Elliot…” she said, her voice breaking over the sheer weight of the emotion she wielded for him.

“I love you too Olivia…” he said, his voice smooth and soft.  He brought his lips down to hers and kissed her.  It was slow and passionate… deep.  He was still shaking a little, but when Olivia slid her hands from his face and tightened her arms around his neck and rocked her hips… his mind exploded, and he saw stars.  Pure lust saturated his brain and he needed to move.  He needed to feel himself sliding against her, moving inside her… surrounded by her in every way.

He just… wanted her.  Wanted her moaning his name, wanted to feel her coming again, wanted her to feel him fill her and he wanted her like this all the time.  He would never not want her.  And now that he knew what it felt like to be inside her and love her, he would never want to stop… he would never get enough.

He steeled his muscles and moved his hands down under her ass and pulled out only to slam himself back into her.  Their mouths broke and Olivia arched up into him moaning loudly as he started to move with purpose inside her for the very first time.

She clung to him, feeling every inch of him sliding in and out of her.  Every thrust was pushing her to the edge again, and her body was shaking, overwhelmed by how Elliot could encompass all of her.

It was pure and perfect… and true.  This was the truest moment of her life.

Elliot pulled himself up on his knees, spreading her legs wider as he hooked one of his arms under her back and around the top of her shoulder while the other moved to her face, and his hand cradled her head, his fingers in her hair, his thumb brushing her cheek.

He looked deep into her eyes as he continued to fill her over and over again.  He saw everything in her eyes.

His past.

He saw them young walking the sidewalks of Manhattan, he saw them sitting in the squad across from each other, he saw them sharing Chinese, laughing… he saw them communicating silently… he saw them fighting with all the passion and heat they had always had.  He saw them picking each other… always… because there was no other choice, and he knew that for certain now.

His present.

He saw the look in her eyes when he came back into her life that night on the street.  The fiery, commanding Captain Olivia Benson on the roof after that interrogation. He saw the look on her face when she opened the gift he had made for her years ago in Italy.  The first time they kissed on the empty snowy street in their city.  Her heart full at seeing how accepting his children were of them and the first time he officially meat Noah.

And then he saw his future.

He saw date nights, and cups of coffee in the morning and glasses of wine at night.  He saw loving her everywhere… the kitchen, the shower, the couch, the floor, up against a wall, because they just wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off each other.  He saw her walking down the aisle to him.  He saw them curled up on the couch together while they read, doing the New York Times crossword together… playing with their grandchild together.

She was his past… his present… and his future.

Olivia could see and feel all his emotions, being raw and open to her fully for the first time, holding nothing back.  There were no walls, there was nothing forbidden anymore, and he was driving her full force into another earth-shattering orgasm, and she wanted to feel him empty himself into her before he sent her into orbit again.

He felt so good inside her, and she never wanted him to stop, but this sharp edge on which she was standing was too much but her desperate need to make him come before she did was holding her for the moment.

She brought her lips to his and kissed him slow as he continued to thrust into her, letting him know she was feeling everything he was.  She pulled back moaning his name as he ground himself down on her core.

“El please….” She begged and he was melting her resolve with every blissful and breath-taking thrust into her.

“Let go baby… I wanna feel you come inside me…” she mewled, her voice high and soft.

Elliot moaned loudly as her words took control of his body and he spilled himself inside her.  It was seconds later as he continued to thrust, making sure she got every last drop of him, he saw stars when he felt her grip him from inside as her orgasm took her over.

She clung to him as she felt his muscles start to relax and he let his weight slowly fall into her.  His head dropped to her shoulder and she felt his lips brush her skin softly.  She smoothed her hands over his back and enjoyed the sound of them both trying to catch their breaths, the feel of him still buried deep inside her, her body wrapped around him.

She felt him nuzzle into her neck and she leaned her head into his.  He would never be close enough to her now.  Being completely naked, skin to skin, bodies connected, wrapped up in each other, still wasn’t enough.

The way she loved this man was infinite.  And the way he loved her was the same.  It always had been.

He felt her shiver and he didn’t know if it was because she was getting cold now that their bodies were cooling, or just her still reacting to her third orgasm, but he didn’t want to take any chances, so he slowly pulled himself up and out of her.

They both groaned a little as he moved, and he heard her whine in protest at the loss of contact, but when he lifted her and moved them so he could tuck them under his comforter, he was rewarded with a soft content sigh.

She immediately glued herself to his side and he tucked her into his arms, holding her tight.

He moved his hand to her face and tucked her hair behind her ear.  She met his eyes, and they were soft and light and filled with love.

“I love you Liv… I’m so in love with you…” he said, his voice low but lax.

“Me too El… you’re…” she started, pausing because this was the first time she was going to admit to herself and allow herself to say this out loud.

“You’re the love of my life… it’s always been you.” She finished, feeling tears well in her eyes.  It was hard for her to build up the nerve to say it, because she spent so much of her life hiding it, and pushing it down, but saying it… now to him… was the easiest thing she had ever done.  Because it was real and true, and she meant it.  She meant it more than anything she had ever said in her entire life.

Elliot swallowed hard and tightened his hold on her.  He softly brushed the tears that fell now from her eyes.  He sighed feeling his heart so full for her, he couldn’t find words strong enough to convey how much what she just told him meant to him.  So he just let their silent communication speak for him as he looked into her beautiful brown eyes.

“And it only took us twenty-three years…” he said as that coy little smile of his crossed his face, and Olivia laughed at him as she rolled her eyes.

Of course, he would say that.  But now that they knew what it was to love each other openly in every way, the sting of twenty-three years of longing and pining didn’t hurt anymore.  They were now in a new era of their story and everything in their past lead them to this moment.  Everything made sense and felt right.  They could let go of the pain and baggage.  They didn’t need to cling to it anymore. 

A painful past was all they had to keep of each other, but not anymore.  And never again.  They would hold on to the overwhelmingly lovely feeling of this.  Of them, together exactly how it should be.

“I would have waited fifty if it meant we finally got this… us…” she said.

Elliot kissed her softly and then pulled back to look at her again.  “Me too.” He said.

Olivia smiled and she kissed him this time, and then tucked her head into his neck.  Her body was spent and begging for sleep.  Her eyelids had started to feel heavy and there was nothing she wanted more in this moment than to fall asleep in his arms.

Elliot shifted a little, getting her as close to him as possible, and took a deep breath in, letting it out slow, enjoying this first.  This was the first time she’d fall asleep wrapped up tight in his arms, but it wouldn’t be the last.  And that thought left him drift off into a peaceful sleep, with the love of his life in his arms.

Chapter Text

Olivia woke up with Elliot’s arms wrapped around her.  He was behind her, his body glued to hers, his leg up and over her hip, his strong arms wrapped around her waist, his chin on her shoulder, his breath softly brushing her neck.

This was perfect.

Last night was perfect.

The best Christmas she had ever had.  She felt content… warm… happy… satisfied in a way she didn’t even know was possible.  Her heart was full.  There was nothing she could compare to finally waking up in Elliot’s arm.  She had many dreams and fantasies about Elliot… all the things she wanted to do to him, all the things she wanted him to do to her… but this… this was the one.

This was the one part of all her fantasies that had always been the same.  The feeling of having him stay with her, sleep with her, hold her… be there for her… wake up to in the morning.  He would be there.  She wouldn’t have to slip out in the middle of the night or wake up to him already gone because maybe he regretted what they did.  Breaking his vow….  In all of these he chose to stay… he chose her.

And she got to keep him.  But this fantasy made it all the more painful in the morning when she woke up alone night after night.  And when she hadn’t been alone it only made her feel… empty.  Whoever she was seeing at the time would ask her to stay, but she always had an excuse… work… or something… usually work.  And she’d leave.  But getting to keep him… keep Elliot…  it was something she wanted more than anything and her subconscious knew that.

But now this wasn’t a fantasy.  This was real.  This beautiful, strong, passionate and loving man was wrapped around her, holding her.  And it was Elliot.  He was hers.  This time… she could keep him.

Olivia let her hands trail over his and brought one up to her lips and kissed his fingers before placing his hand over her heart and she held it there.  She felt his other arm tighten around her and it made her heart just melt. She closed her eyes and drifted back off into a peaceful slumber in the arms of the man she got to keep this time… Elliot’s arms.


This time when she woke, it was a few hours later, but still very early.  They had shifted in their sleep, and were now facing each other, arms slung over each other.  She was parched and needed something to drink.  Olivia carefully shifted to look at his nightstand and saw the two glasses of wine he poured for them earlier.  No that wasn’t going to do it.  She needed water, but that meant leaving his arms.

She looked at him, asleep… peaceful, and she smiled to herself.  He really was beautiful.  She was tempted to just forgo the water and risk dehydration to just lay here in his arms forever, but then she remembered something Fin had told her once.  If you are thirsty, you’re already dehydrated.  She smiled to herself remembering why she was so thirsty, and it had everything to do with this man sleeping soundly and naked next to her.

OK she though, she needed water, and when he woke up, she was surely going to need her strength.  A devilish smile crossed her face thinking of all the reasons why she shouldn’t be dehydrated when he woke.

Carefully, she extracted herself from his arms, moving slowly to make sure he stayed asleep.  Once she was up, she looked for her robe to wear into his kitchen but caught his button down in the corner of his room.  She padded bare foot over, smiling to herself as she unbuttoned it.  He had been in such a rush to take it off he hadn’t undone the buttons.  She felt the ache between her legs and a soft warmth washed over her.

It had been awhile for her, and he was… intense, and strong… and large.  But he hadn’t hurt her, and she trusted him more than anyone.  It felt good to have this feeling again, and this time knowing it was Elliot that caused it.

She slipped it on and smelled it.  It smelled like him.  Ugh she thought… how many times had he walked past her, and she got a whiff of his cologne… or his deodorant… or after they had chased a perp and he just smelled like… well him.

It was intoxicating and it use to fluster her.  But now she could smell it and all it did was make her want to smell it more and to have it all over her… which she did.

She felt the warmth turn to heat and creep up in her cheeks at the thought.  She did have him all over her.  His lips, his tongue… he’d been inside her in more ways than one and had tasted her.

She did have him all over her.  And she was all over him.

She sighed contently and looked over to Elliot who was slowly and softy breathing.  My god she loved him.

She quietly padded her way into his bathroom and after she was done and was washing her hands, she looked at his shower.  It was a huge shower and looked like a perfect place for the two of them later.  She bit her bottom lip thinking about all the things she wanted to do with him in there.

After she was done, she wandered into his kitchen and poured herself a glass of water.  She sat perched on the edge of his couch and looked out at the snow softly falling.

It was no longer Christmas, but it sure felt like the rest of her life would feel like every day was Christmas.  It was beautiful outside.  Quiet… everything covered in snow.  The moon cascading sliver and blue light over everything.

She took another sip and was going to take one last moment to look out at the beautiful winter scene before she went back into Elliot, but suddenly all the Christmas lights came on.  She turned her head to find Elliot standing there in his boxers.

“Hey you…” he said, his eyes shining, a soft smile sliding across his face as he made his way over to her.

“Hey… I didn’t wake you, did I?” she asked softly and moved to stand up with her glass of water.  He shook his head as his arms moved around her waist, and his lips found hers immediately.  He held her to him, the kiss soft and smooth… searing with a slow heat.

Her head felt dizzy.  All she knew was she never wanted him to stop kissing her.  But he pulled away and it took her a second to collect herself enough to open her eyes again and when she did, he had a very cocky grin on his face.

She felt her cheeks flush again, and she rolled her eyes at him for noticing how just kissing her affected her.

He laughed at her flushed face.  It was absolutely adorable and now that he’d seen it, it was his mission to see it as much as possible.

“You blushing Captain?” he said, and his smile got wider, and he swallowed at the use of her rank.  It was quite a turn on that she outranked him… as she should.  He saw the glint in her eye at his words and clearly it was a turn on to her too.  Oh they were going to have some fun with that.

“Maybe…” she said and smiled coyly.  “But if I was… it needs to stay between you and me…” she added, smiling fully this time as she wrapped his arms around his neck.

“Hmmm… Copy that Captain.” He said and kissed her again.  This time there was a little more behind it.  She felt his hands grasp at her hips and then slide down over her ass.  Being barefoot she was much shorter than him, and she liked the feel of being in a tall strong man’s arms.  And not just any mans, but Elliot’s.

His tongue slowly swiped over her bottom lip, and she happily parted them and granted him access.

God, she could stand here and kiss him forever.  Kissing Elliot was like coming up for air.  She had only started kissing him since a little over a day ago, but it felt like she had been doing it her whole life.  Everything about it felt right, and achingly good.

He pulled away and she complained a little making him laugh again.  He looked into her eyes and brushed her hair out of her face.

“I woke up and you weren’t there…” he said softly.  “Everything ok?” he asked, and she heard a little worry in his voice.

“Oh El, I’m sorry… I just needed a glass of water…” She said unhooking her arms from his neck and raising the glass in her hand.  “I was coming right back, but it was just so beautiful outside.” She added looking out the window and then back to him.

She saw the worry ease out of him.  It was sweet that he wanted to make sure everything was ok with her.  She regretted leaving him asleep alone, but she really did need something to drink.

“You really gave me a workout last night…” she said, and a sly smile crossed her face as she took another sip.

She immediately saw the spark in his eye at her comment.

He smiled and swayed with her a little.  “Oh yea?” he asked his smile growing.

“Oh yea…” she answered biting her bottom lip and smiling as she lifted herself up on her toes to peck his cheek.  He smiled and he cleared his throat.  She saw a hint of redness creep up his neck before it got lost in his beard.

“Looks like you’re the one blushing now…” she said giggling and brushing her hand on his cheek.

He groaned and rolled his eyes at himself as his smile grew.  He cleared his throat again and all he could do was nod because he was completely smitten with her and couldn’t stop himself from acting like he was sixteen again.

She held her water up for him with an arched eyebrow and a glint in her eye.  He happily took it and gulped down the remaining water.

He let go of her to place the glass on the kitchen island and when he turned around to make his way back to her, he realized she was wearing his shirt.  His heart almost stopped beating in his chest.

Here she was… standing naked in his living room, with nothing but his shirt on.  Her feet were bare, her long golden legs showing, her hair was a little bit of a mess, but it was beautiful.  All tousled like she had a night of great sex… and she had.

They had.

He felt his desire for her hit him deep in his belly and his muscles twitched.

Goddamn she was beautiful.  Then it hit him.  He had always had a fantasy of dancing with her.  And he thought maybe at Fin’s wedding he’d get the chance, but it had been a non-wedding or whatever Fin had called it and they didn’t really get the chance.

But he could dance with her now.  It was just the two of them.  The Christmas lights were glowing in the dark early morning hours, and she was standing there… looking like an angel… waiting for him.

Elliot held up one finger to tell her to wait just a second and he’d be right back.  He went over to his bookshelf and turned on the radio, tuning it till he found the only station still playing Christmas music.

Olivia watched him, and once she saw what he was doing and heard the music she knew.

He wanted to dance with her.  In all her life she had never wanted to slow dance with anyone more than Elliot right in this moment.

He returned to her and held out his hand.

“Dance with me…” he said his voice velvet and lovely.

She smiled and bit her bottom lip as she took his hand and he pulled her to him, bringing their bodies as close as they could be as he slipped his other arm around her waist, and they slowly started to move around his living room.

After a few beats the song was almost ending and Olivia let go of his hand and wound both of her arms around his neck and moved his other hand so both of his were now coiled around her waist.

The swayed silently and softly.  They gazed into each other’s eyes seeing the peace and love and trust reflecting back to one another.  Olivia fell a swell of emotion sweep over her, and she pulled his forehead to hers.  She just needed a moment to connect herself to him in a way that was sometimes more intimate than sex.  Olivia put her head on his shoulder after a few minutes of getting lost in his soul and tightened her grip on him.

The next song played, and Elliot was glad it was still a slow song.  He never wanted to stop dancing with her.  It was I’ll be Home for Christmas by Bing Crosby.

Elliot sighed.  This song always reminded him of Olivia.  He smiled softly to himself as he held her in his arms swaying to the music.

I’ll be home for Christmas

You can count on me

Please have snow and mistletoe

And presents by the tree

She was all he needed.  And he was happy he didn’t need an excuse like mistletoe to kiss her.  Although, he would definitely be kissing her under it, next to it… near it… every Christmas from now on.

He could now do that.  His heart warmed knowing that as the next lyrics played.

Christmas eve will find me

Where the love light gleams

I’ll be home for Christmas

If only in my dreams

There were ten Christmases he missed.  Ten that he wished he’d been home for Christmas.  Home to her.  And on the few times he had come back, there was no time… and then there had been too much time.  Too much time had passed, and he had lost his nerve to reach out.  He had just hoped her Christmases were filled with joy, because even though his were, seeing his kids, and Christmas in Rome was beautiful, it just wasn’t… where he wanted to be.

But he didn’t need to feel guilty for feeling that way anymore.  He was exactly where he wanted to be.  Where he belonged.

Suddenly he felt her shake a tiny bit.  Her hands gripped him tighter, and he felt her shake again.

“Liv?” he said, his voice a little worried, and he turned his head to try to see her face and she buried it into his shoulder and took a deep breath.  He felt… wetness on his skin… tears.

“Hey… Liv… Liv what’s wrong?” he said his voice now thick with uneasiness.  He couldn’t stomach her crying… especially if he did something wrong.

“Liv… look at me…” he said, pleading with her a little.

He grabbed her by the arms and gently pulled her away from him to get a look at her.

“It’s stupid El…” she shook her head and tried to quickly wipe away the few tears that had slipped out. 

“Liv…” he said putting his finger under her chin and lifting her face up to meet his gaze.

“Nothing you say or feel is stupid.  Please… just tell me… you can tell me anything…” he said and his voice was soft and soothing.

And he was right.  She could tell him anything and she should.  It wasn’t a big deal really.  It was this song.  It had always reminded her of him.  Wishing she could see him one last time… and knowing it really was only in her dreams that he’d be home for Christmas.

“It’s just this song… it… it always made me think of you… miss you… but you’re here now… that’s all that matters..” She said feeling a little weight being lifted. 

“Oh baby… I’m sorry…” he said pulling her into him.  He wrapped his arms right around her, and kissed the top of her head.

“I’ll never stop being sorry for leaving you.” He sighed.

She pulled back and looked at him, bringing her hands to his face.

She saw the pain there.  The pain of leaving her, the weight of time… the guilt for not coming back sooner.  She took a deep breath.  She had forgiven him.  The second his lips touched hers for the first time she had forgiven him.  If going through everything she had in the last ten years meant she would end up here then it was worth it.

He saw her eyes shimmer, and he understood.  It softened him a bit as her look reminded him they didn’t need to live in the past.  Her hands slipped back around his neck.

“Sometimes I can’t believe this is real…” she said smiling a little.  Her eyes raked over his body.  Her hands slid down over his chest and back up to his neck as if to prove he was really standing here with her.

“A dream come true…” she added as her eyes met his again.

This time there wasn’t any pain in them.  They were sparkling and the most piercing blue.

“You are every dream I’ve ever had Olivia.” He said his words clear and sure.

She felt the raw emotion and truth to his statement.  She felt the same about him.  She has been dreaming about him in his absence and for the twelve years before.  And sometimes, it felt like he had always been the one she dreamed about.  Even before she knew it was him.

She smiled and scrunched her nose as she pulled him down to her lips.  It was soft and sensual with an underlying heat.  Their heat.

She felt the hard planes of his muscle envelope her as he pulled her body to him and his hands moved up to tangle themselves in her hair.  His lips parted and pulled her bottom lip in and trailed it with his tongue before they parted.

“So… you’ve always wanted to dance with me?” She said a little breathless and flushed. 

A huge grin spread across his face.

“Oh yes…” he said as he grabbed her hand twirling her out away from him and pulling her back and dipping her.

Olivia giggled at the debonair way he moved her.  This was something unexpected.  He could dance.  Who knew?

He pulled her back up to him and they stated to slow dance again. 

“Wow Stabler… I’m impressed!” She said.  “I didn’t know you had… moves.” She said laughing.

“Oh… I have moves…” he said that low raspy voice that did things to her.

She arched her eyebrow at his obvious sexual reference.  “Oh I know you have those moves…” she said a coy little smile spreading across her face.  “I can still feel you between my legs…” she added, dialing up the heat.

He moaned a little and tightened his grip on her.  She really was his dream come true.

 “Now you tell me you know how to clean and cook I might just ask you to marry me.” She said laughing with an air of whimsy in her voice.

Elliot stilled them and looked deep into her eyes.

“Yes…” he said.

Olivia’s heart stopped and all of a sudden it was like the world has just slowed down.  All the air in her lungs was held still.

“Whhaatt…” she stammered.  Her mind was halted.  What had he just said?

“Yes…” he repeated again just as clear and sure as the first time.

He saw the shock in her face, and it was endearing.  He had never loved anyone the way he loved her.

He ran his hand through her hair, and she swallowed hard.

“If you’re asking… my answer is yes…” he said.

Chapter Text

Olivia held his gaze, her eyes wide in disbelief.  She had honestly said it as a joke, and now was stunned by the words Elliot so easily spoke.

She really had nothing to say.  He had absolutely rendered her speechless.  In all her deepest fantasies… the ones that only came out after something so terrible happened either in her personal life or on the job, that her subconscious clearly decided she needed out of survival, had he ever proposed.

But it was her this time… she had said in jest, and he answered.  He had said yes… and he didn’t seem to be joking.

The look in his eyes told her he wasn’t joking.

He said yes.

To her… to them… to marrying her…

Suddenly visions of them standing in a courthouse in front of a judge, exchanging vows and rings flashed in her mind.

His voice saying, “This is my wife, Olivia…” echoed in her ears and made her shiver like it had when he said it on their UC at that sex club years ago.

Her mind had gone from zero to sixty in a second flat and she wasn’t sure how long she had been standing here in his arms speechless, but he clearly saw the distress she was in.

His low chuckle and the touch of his hand on her face somehow brought her back this planet.

“Gotcha…” he said.  He smiled softly at her but his eyes… she saw a flash of something deeper in them… could it have been… sadness?  She blinked and her mouth turned up into a small tight smile.

“Funny…” she said in almost a whisper and let out the breath she’d been holding.  Although she initially felt relieved he had been kidding, part of her felt… disappointment. 

She was disappointed.  This feeling sort of swept over her without warning and it was startling to say the least. 

This is crazy she thought to herself as Elliot pulled her back into him and they began to slow dance again.

She had been caught off guard by his very serious answer to a question she really didn’t even ask.  And now she felt like something just slipped through her fingers.  Something she didn’t think she was ready for but now that the moment had passed, she felt… and ache inside her.

And he had felt it too.  The more the seconds ticked by the more she believed what she saw for a second in his eyes was sadness.

He wanted this.  He wasn’t joking with her, but her clear confusion and then shock must have made him change gears.

Had he changed his mind?  Was she too quick to accept his “gotcha”?  Was he rethinking this? Them?

Oh no… oh no she thought.  What did she do?  She had a sudden urge to look into his eyes and search for the all the answers to her questions that she knew would be hidden deep in the depths of the blue ocean that was his soul.

Too much time was passing, and she felt like if she didn’t say something now… this might turn into a problem for them later.  She didn’t want him to think she didn’t want this.  She did.

Desperately so.

And not just to be married, but to be married to him.  She hadn’t realized just how much she wanted it until now and he needed to know she wasn’t against it.

Was she ready? Maybe not right this second or tomorrow, but it was something she wanted.  He needed to know that.  And he would have to go back into his UC most likely in the next day or so and what if something happened to him?  It was dangerous and now that they had been connected and she knew what it was to have his love, she couldn’t let him leave with this hanging over them.  Plus, her son clearly loves Elliot and his family, and they love him.  She couldn’t let this spoil because it took the actuality of this possibility becoming real for her to realize how much she wanted it.

Elliot tightened his grip on her.  He could feel her heart starting to beat faster beneath her chest, and her breathing was becoming quick.  He could feel her thinking.  He knew her mind was racing with what just happened between them, but his mind was clear.

He knew the moment the word “yes” left his mouth she would probably freeze.  And to be honest it was something that just came out of him.  He couldn’t have stopped it if he wanted to.  He wanted to marry her.  He wanted to call her his wife and put a ring on her finger and tell the whole world how lucky he was to marry his soulmate.

He wanted to grow old with her, and raise grandchildren together, and show people when they asked that soulmates exists because he found his.  To be romantic and sweep her off her feet on a Tuesday just because he could.

He had never been into romancing a woman.  Sure, he could when he needed to, but it just wasn’t him, until he met her.  He had pined for her and fantasized about being with her.  He wanted to take her out on dates, send her flowers… ask her to be his valentine, kiss her under the mistletoe.  All the sappy sweet romantic things he’d never done with Kathy, he wanted to do with her.

He’d daydreamed in the squad on more than one occasion all the ways he would have proposed to her if he hadn’t already made a commitment to someone else.

And the funny thing was… romance… it definitely wasn’t them.  Olivia wasn’t the kind of woman who needed the flowers or fancy dates in the city or expensive jewelry, which is why the necklace he gave her for Christmas meant so much.  It had meaning to him, and he knew she would be surprised to say the least.  To her it was an incredibly grand gesture and she deserved it, even if she didn’t think so.  She inspired the romance in him, and in their past, he couldn’t be like that with her, but they did find ways.

Their brand of romance had been getting each other coffee, knowing each other’s order.  Taking turns buying the takeout.  Him offering her the last egg roll.  Olivia letting him eat off her plate.  Having each other’s backs… defending one another to Cragen… the lingering stares, the knowing looks… the silent communication no one else had that kept them so in sync even a decade of time couldn’t change. 

All of those things to the untrained eye looked like typical partner behavior.  Friend behavior… but for them, it was romantic.  It meant more to him than any card or anniversary gift could have ever meant.  Olivia remembering the bodega that sold the chips he liked and coming in to find them on his desk, even though it was out of her way was fucking romantic as hell.

He loved the simplicity in how they could show they cared about each other because everything else between them had been heavy… complicated.  He savored those moments of simplicity and clung to them when he was away from her.

So, to him, this was simple.  He wanted to marry her.  She had offered, well kind of, and so it just made sense to tell her yes.  But he understood when he saw how long it took her to absorb what he had actually said to her that maybe it wasn’t as simple for her.

She had never been married.  He would be her first and only husband and facing real true commitment to someone needed to be taken with pause.  Marriage shouldn’t be handled carelessly, and his first time around had been… well out of duty to be honest.  He loved Kathy, and she was the mother of his children, and he wouldn’t have changed that, he only wished he’d have met Olivia first.  But then things would be different in ways he couldn’t even imagine.

This was how things were supposed to be.  His religion told him God had a plan and he had questioned God his whole life.  He believed in him, but it was a constant struggle.  He wasn’t blessed with blind faith, but the last few months of his life he had started to understand the plan God had for him.  Being there for his children, and grandchildren… fixing his relationship with his mother, fighting for justice and in turn getting the chance at the life he always knew he was meant to have… with Olivia.

So if she wasn’t ready… that was ok.  It stung a little at first when her reaction wasn’t what he had always envisioned, but his mind was quick to ease it by reminding him they were meant to be.  He was in this.  He knew they were endgame, no matter how long it took, she and her son were his loves, his life and he’d wait for her.  He’d waited twenty-three years and what felt like a lifetime before he met her, so… he could wait a little longer if that’s what she needed.

He felt her tremble a tiny bit in his arms, and he decided he needed to try to soothe her, assure her he wasn’t upset.  He moved to look at her, stopping their slow dance.

“Liv…” he started to say, but the look on her face cut him short, and her voice stopped him.

“El… I need you to know…” she said a little breathless.  “I may not be ready tonight… or tomorrow…” she started again and then stopped to force air into her lungs.  She dropped her eyes and closed them tight for a second.  Elliot stood very still waiting on the sharp edge of anticipation of what she might say to him.  She swallowed hard and he saw the tip of her tongue swipe across her bottom lip as she breathed out slowly calming her nerves.

When she opened her eyes she looked at him, and he saw the honied shimmer he’d seen earlier in their night and it took his breath away.

“But if you… are thinking about asking… my answer will be yes…” she finished, and the last word was almost a whisper.  She held his eye contact, unwavering so he knew she was serious.

It was his turn to stand there frozen.  His mind was short circuiting with the overwhelming emotion that was hitting him like a tsunami at the moment.

Olivia Benson just told him she’d marry him without actually saying it.

Her answer would be yes…


She needed him to tell her she heard him or show her.  She brought her hand to his face, and he blinked at her touch which was the antidote to his frozen state.

In an instant his lips collided into hers.

He gripped her tight, crushing her body to his as his lips moved over hers hot and with intent.  Her promise to him had invigorated him and healed every broken moment of his life.  He thought he knew how he would feel hearing her say yes, but it was beyond anything is mind could have imagined.

The intensity, and immense emotion that was sweeping over him was like a religious experience.

He overwhelmed her with his response.  His lips moved over hers, taking what they wanted.  He moved his hands down over her ass and gripped under her thighs picking her up, guiding her legs around his waist.

He needed to feel her wrapped around him, and he surged forward as he lifted her and drove them into the wall by the Christmas tree.

She moaned loudly tearing her lips from his as her back hit the wall.  She could feel his already hard cock between her legs straining beneath his boxers.  He thrust his hips up into her hitting her core and her head fell back as he thrust against her again.  He grinded himself into her rotating his hips and her hands gripped his skin, her nails digging into his back, and he felt her wetness start to soak through his boxers.

He needed to be inside her.  He pushed more of his weight into her, pinning her against the wall and his lips claimed the skin along her jaw as he moved his right hand from her leg between them and slid his index finger into her.

He choked out a groan as his finger slid effortlessly into her.  She was so wet already and he was still having trouble comprehending it.  It was insane how her body reacted to him.  He slid a second finger inside her and started to pump them into her as his lips pulled at the skin on her neck.

“Oh fuck…” she said straining to catch her breath.  He was driving her crazy.  His fingers, his teeth, the fact that he hauled her up against this wall with minimal effort was tantalizing.  Her skin was on fire, which was nothing compared to the heat building between her legs.  She needed to feel all of him pushing inside her, not just his fingers which were taking her to the edge of her sanity, but not driving her into madness.  She knew he could if he wanted to, but he wasn’t on purpose.  She needed to push him into the same realm her mind was currently occupying and fast.

“Ohhh…. Please baby…” she said dropping her head to his ear.  “Please fuck me… fuck me hard…” she rasped into his ear.

There was nothing in this world he needed more than hearing Olivia beg him to fuck her… hard.  Something in his brain snapped and his primal instincts took over.  He quickly removed his fingers, yanked down his boxers, and then adjusted his hold of her.  He moved his right hand under her thigh, so he was now holding her with the back of her knee in the crook of his elbow and then once he had her, he moved his other arm into the same position.  He had her up against the wall, legs spread wider with her knees up by her arms.  He placed his palms against the wall for leverage, and she reached down between them and dipped her fingers into herself and then coated him with her fluid.  He jerked at the silky feel of her hand and adjusted his stance as she guided him to her entrance.

For the second time in only a few hours he felt his heart beat out of his chest as he entered her, and his life was complete.  He needed a second the wrap his mind around being inside her again, and looked deep into her eyes finding the connection to her soul, linking his own to hers, and then he started to fuck her.

He thrust into her with total abandon.  Over and over and over again, unrelenting, with no mercy.  He trusted her to tell him if it was too much, but the sounds she was making told him she could take it.

Her head was spinning and her body was splitting in two.  The wall behind her was groaning in protest as pictures were shaking, and her foot had hit the tree at some point and ornaments were falling.

He was hitting her so hard and fast she had lost all sense of time and the world around them because her mind and body could only focus on the pleasure threating to rip through her.

“Oh shit! More!” she begged, as she clung to him, her arms tightening around him, and her nails digging into his skin.  She needed more of him, she wanted to be owned by his body.  She wanted to feel him all week between her legs when she was sitting in her office at work.  She wanted to close her eyes when she missed him and remember the sounds of their skin slapping, the feel of his sweat mixing with hers as he held her, the sounds he made with every hard hitting drive into her.

“Fuck Liv…” he growled, and he sped up his thrusts crushing her into the wall further.  His mouth sucked hard on the skin below her ear.  It was bruising and rough and she loved every second of it.

“UUUGGHH YES BABY… I’m gonna come! Make me come!” she screamed, and he thrust into her harder and ground himself into her brushing up against her clit and he felt her walls clamp down on him and the sound that pulled from her throat echoed throughout his apartment as her orgasm ripped her open.  He felt her legs shaking on his arms, and she dropped her mouth to his shoulder and sunk her teeth into him hard, sending him into the stratosphere.

He held her against the wall for a few minutes after they both started to come down from their orgasms breathing heavy.  He let her sink down a little, his arms tired, as his head fell to her shoulder.  Neither of them could speak.  Olivia’s mind had turned to soup.  Her fingers were tingling, her legs were weak… her arms felt like lead.  And she had never felt more satisfied.  In all the years they spent together as partners there were nights where she wanted this.  Just this, them fucking into oblivion.  But she was glad they hadn’t ruined themselves then.  She was glad this came out of love and need and desire, and not from the desire to obliterate the world away.

She could feel Elliot start to shift, and oh god, she must be heavy.  He had done all the work and now he must be tired.  She tried to move to let him know he could put her down and she’d do her best to try to stand, but he made some kind of noise deep in his chest, and he shifted slowly moving one arm at a time as he wrapped her legs back around his waist and held onto her by the back of her thighs again.  She hooked her angles to try to help him hold her weight.

She took a sharp breath in, as she felt him move a little inside her, hitting her still sensitive core and it was like a shock to her muscles as they jolted to life to cling to him.  He stopped his movements, and softly kissed along her shoulder letting her know he was sorry for the shock.  She felt him take a deep breath in and slowly let it out and he kissed her skin there once more and then lifted his head to turn and kiss the side of her neck as he carefully started to walk them to his couch.

“Unhook your feet baby…” he whispered sweetly into her ear.  She did and pulled her feet back towards her so he could sit.

It jarred her again and he felt her tense and a high little moan cut out of her.  He ran his hands up the outside of her thighs and placed them low on her back.

“Sorry…” he said as she finally found enough strength to life her head and look at him.  “I just… I’m not ready yet…” he said as his hand came to her face and he smoothed her hair back.  He brought his lips to hers and kissed her tenderly.  She knew what he meant.  He wasn’t ready to pull himself from her body yet. 

And she wasn’t either.


Chapter Text

After a while they shifted on the couch and we’re now horizontal. 

She had shed his shirt at some point, and he his boxers, before they shifted to lay down wanting nothing between them but skin.  Olivia was tucked up into his side, her back against the couch, and El was laying on his back, cradling Liv under one arm while his free hand was slowly tracing lines up and down her thigh that was draped over him.

Olivia’s mind was still a little unglued by their last conversation before he turned her body into an aching satisfied mess.

She felt a shiver spread across her skin as the thoughts of what they just did replayed in her mind.  How is this all real she thought?

Then El shifted pulling the blanket from the back of the couch over them and Liv smiled into his skin.  He must have thought she was cold and that’s why her skin had goose bumped.  He didn’t know the real reason was because she was thinking about how she could still feel him between her legs… and probably would for days.  But he had always been attentive to her needs… even when he shouldn’t have been.

She felt a dip in her stomach thinking about the implications of that and her mind wandered back to their conversation before he fucked her into oblivion.

If she was being honest with herself, what was causing this unglued feeling wasn’t that she was afraid of making a commitment to him, but how much she wasn’t afraid.  There was only one other time in her life she had ever felt this sure.  The second she laid eyes on her sweet boy in that dresser drawer she was ready to commit herself to being his mother.

And now she was having that same feeling.  It was overwhelmingly clear.  She really wanted to married Elliot Stabler.  And that… that was a staggering revelation.

She had basically told him yes after she realized she had screwed up.  She had taken too long to process, and he had quickly taken her shock as hesitation, so Elliot being Elliot, made a joke of it… giving her an out… maybe thinking she wasn’t ready for all that.

But she was.  Yes, she would marry him if he asked her, but he had just taken her by surprise.  It was startling how quickly she went from feeling shocked from his response to the all-encompassing feeling like the moment had passed her by and the sweeping despair she felt at letting that moment slip through her fingers.  All she wanted to do was go back in time and accept his answer.

He had said yes to her.

And he had meant it.  Those moments her brain spent processing what had just happened and seeing the look in his eyes… she knew.  She wished she could go back and not have ruined it with her slow realization.  There was no hesitation in his face… he wanted her for the rest of his life and without an ounce of doubt.

She was just glad she was able to correct her mistake.  Let him know in no certain terms that if he asked her… she would say yes.  And the way his eyes burned into her for a split second before he was on her, lifting her effortlessly off her feet and just… railed her against the wall.  He actions told her the message was received.

She felt her cheeks flush slightly as she laid in his arms remembering.

And she really should have known.  She should have known he would have not taken her spur of the moment remark and left it as that.  El was not a bachelor.  El was not some single, sewing my wild oats Casanova.  He could be if he wanted too.  Lord knows he dated when he had separated from Kathy the first time, and it didn’t seem like he went crazy but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

It did.  It hurt watching him choose… well… anyone… everyone over her.

She had constantly wondered… why not her?  Why not then?  It would have been a perfect opportunity to maybe try it out and see where things could go.  But they were partners and things were so complicated between them then.  She would have maybe asked him out herself had things not been the way they had then.

But there had been Gitano, and computer crimes, and Oregon… and just when she thought… maybe… maybe he’d be open to her… and then Eli happened.  Even though she loved Eli, with her whole heart, and was so thankful she was there that day to help Kathy give birth, it still hurt. 

It never seemed like the timing was right.  But now it was… and still… wasn’t.  The time was right for them to be together, but he was undercover.  She would still have to settle for periods of time where she didn’t know if he was safe or not.  Not be able to get a hold of him… not be able to text him, call him… see him.  Not know what he was doing… or what he would inevitably have to do undercover.

Her mind briefly slipped back in time to when Brian had been undercover, and she had to listen to that awful tape.

But quickly she pushed that memory out.  She didn’t want to think about anyone or anything else but Elliot. And where they are now.

His arms around her naked body, his chest softly rising and falling… the slow muffled beat of his heart in her ear.  The feeling of his warm skin against hers, his fingers leaving little trails of heat as they smoothed over her thigh.

But true to her nature, her worry wormed its way back in.

She could feel it make her chest ache and her stomach twisted a little.  At some point this beautiful little bubble would burst and their time together here and now would have to come to an end.  She didn’t want to spend the next few weeks in radio silence after all this.  This wonderful, amazing reality where she finally got the love of her life and the family she always wanted.

And she wanted it all.  She deserved it all.  They deserved it all.

She wanted to come over and stay the night not sleeping.  She wanted to do the walk of no shame leaving his apartment early still smelling like him as she went to get ready for her day.  She wanted to meet him for lunch and do the dating thing.

She wanted to spend hours on her couch just… kissing him because she could and because it was so goddamn good.

She wanted to get dressed up for him, and wear lingerie for him and feel the butterflies in her stomach in anticipation of seeing him.

She wanted to do things to him in the back of a cab because she couldn’t wait to get home to do them… she wanted to go to the movies and never see the film because they were too busy doing other things.  Things Captains shouldn’t do in public, but she would because it was him.

She wanted all the things that came with the first few months of dating someone you’re so in love with.  Even though sometimes it felt like they had been married for more than a decade… she still wanted all of that.

She wanted all the things she had needed from him when he wasn’t able to give them… she wanted to run to his arms after a hard case and feel his love surrounding her… his strong arms holding her up when she was too tired to hold herself up.  She wanted to always have him in her corner with no boundaries, to share the heaviness when the world and life got to be too much, to share the highs and lows, to not wake alone in a cold sweat after the demons in her mind pulled her into her nightmares.

And even more so, she wanted to do those things for him.  To be there for him when he needed to fall apart.  To pick up the pieces, to always champion his success.  And on those nights where all she wanted to do was shut the world out and fuck so hard she’d forget her name… he was the only one she wanted.  He had always been the only one she wanted.  The only one she’d ever trust to go that far with.

She wanted to go home to him.  She wanted him to come home to her.  To their home… a home they shared with their family… and she wanted to wake up every morning to his face across from her and choose him every day for the rest of her life.


Even after all these years he could still give them to her… they knew each other so well and yet still… butterflies.  Better than anyone else… the ugly truths and all the trauma, beautiful and not so beautiful… and still… butterflies. 

The fact they had been through so many things together that no one would understand, and yet there were still going to be firsts for them… well that gave her the most butterflies.  She really was so in love with him.

Actually in love… and able to feel it, show it, prove it… say it… with no guilt, no shame.  She had been in love with him for so many years, but it felt new and exciting, and yet this had burned inside her for almost twenty-three years.  And it had burned inside him too.

She felt tears start to prick her eyes, and she quickly brushed her face hoping he wouldn’t notice.  She didn’t want him to think something was wrong, but Elliot was… well Elliot.  Always in tune with her… and she felt him lift his head up to look down at her face.

“Liv… Liv what is it?” He asked softly but there was a hint of anxiousness underlying his voice.

He moved his hand to her chin and gently tilted her face up to meet his.

She saw his relief the instant their eyes met.  Even though he didn’t know why she was crying, he knew it wasn’t for a bad reason.  But of course, he needed to make sure.

“Baby… why are you crying?” He said as he wiped her cheek with his thumb.

She felt those butterflies again hearing his voice call her baby.

“I just… it’s just…” she said stumbling over all the words in her head.  Liv took a deep breath in and let it out taking a moment to organize her thoughts.

“I’m just so in love with you Elliot… it’s overwhelming sometimes.” She said, and a soft smile crossed her face.

And Elliot’s eyes lit up.  That smile that was reserved only for her came across his face.  Olivia felt those butterflies again, and the two of them laid there just smiling at each other like lovesick puppies.

“Say it again…” Elliot said almost whispering.

Olivia felt her smile widen and her cheeks flushed.  It felt like they were teenagers, and this all-consuming love of theirs was floating in colors all around them, encasing them in this moment,  just the two of them.

“Elliot… I am so in love with you…” Liv said, and she didn’t think she could smile any wider.

“I love hearing you say that…” he said.  Liv moved a little, so her face was closer to his and he moved his hand to her face and then brushed his fingers through her hair.

Nothing in the world felt better than being in this moment with him.

“Olivia… I am so incredibly in love with you too… it’s always been you…” he said.

Her eyes were still welling with tears, and she welcomed them.  It was overwhelming and wonderful to cry because she was so full of joy.

“I never want this night to end…” Liv said feeling a tug in her stomach that she knew was the pending end to the small fraction of time they were given.

“Hmm I don’t either.” He said and pulled her into him, their lips meeting like they had done this for decades.

She lazily opened her mouth, slowly sucking on his bottom lip drawing a low rumble from his chest.

Her lips felt sore, sensitive… swollen, as she felt the prickling of his beard.  His hand in her hair tugged ever so lightly as her teeth softly bit his lip.

Olivia laughed into their kiss and slowly let his lip slid from her mouth and she pulled back with a lopsided grin on her face.

She felt his grip tighten on her thigh and she decided to shift herself up and moved over the top of him.

She immediately felt the twinge of discomfort in her hips as her sore muscles adjusted once again to the broad width of his hips as she straddled him.  But it was worth it.  It was so worth it.

She was going to have to work in some more flexibility into her work out plan she thought, and it made her smile as she looked down under her lashes at the beautiful man staring up at her.

“You know… I’ve seen a lot of views in my life… but this one…” he said motioning with a nod of his head to her as his eyes roamed over her body and his hands flexed over her thighs before he met her gaze again, “… this one is the best fucking view I’ve ever seen…” he said, his voice almost a whole octave lower.

“And I’m never gonna get tired of seeing you like this…” he added as he shifted his lower body beneath her feeling his arousal start to spark in his veins.

She moaned softly as her eyes slipped shut feeling him beneath her.

He also would never tire of hearing her voice, that melting tone, knowing he was the cause.  Then he felt her jerk slightly. 

In the space of a few hours, he had learned and committed her movements, her sounds and what she liked and what she loved and added them to the sea of memories and things he already knew about her.  He could tell she was in a little bit of discomfort, even though the sound that had escaped her lips was one of pleasure, he didn’t want her to be in any pain.

“Liv, you ok?” he questioned as his hands relaxed and smoothed over her skin softly.

Olivia opened her eyes and chuckled to herself.  Her hands moved over his chest.

“Yea… just… a little sore.” She said with a seductive look on her face.  Her right hand moved up and her fingers moved over his jaw and through his beard.

“I think I might have whisker burn…” she said her eyebrow arching up.

Elliot laughed and placed his hand over hers.

“Sorry about that…” he said.  “As soon as this UC is over it’s gone.”

Liv smiled.  She did kinda like the beard.  But at the same time, it wasn’t him.  It wasn’t her Elliot.  She missed the smooth jaw line of the man she fell in love with.  Her partner.

And his dimples when he smiled… ugh those dimples that teased her more times than she could remember.

And his beautiful full lips.  Lips that she had always wanted to kiss and bite, and suck… and now she had, and could again.  Anytime she wanted.

But they were hard to see fully with his beard.  So even though it was growing on her… and maybe seeing him with a little scruff every now and then would be sexy, the beard needed to go.

“Hmmm… even though you do look very sexy with a little scruff…” she said, her voice low and raspy, “I miss your face…”

“Don’t worry Liv… I’ll come home to you… I can’t wait to come home to you.” He said, and she felt herself melt inside.

Now she really wanted the beard to go.  It would be the symbol of him finally and truly coming home… to her. Then they could really start their lives together.

A big smile crossed her face.  Her fears from earlier were now just a distant memory.  They were going to get through his UC and be together.  She could feel it in her heart and soul everything was going to work out.

But right now, she was going to be in this moment with him.  Right now, he wasn’t Eddie Ashes… he was Elliot.  Her Elliot and she wasn’t done with him yet.

As much as she was enjoying their current position, there wasn’t much room on the couch, and she was sure at some point they might end up on the floor… which also wouldn’t be terrible but they would pay for it later.

She was already going to have to wear her hair a certain way until the mark on her neck faded, the last thing she wanted to have to explain was any kind of rug or floor burn.

She glanced over towards his kitchen.  That island looked roomy enough, so she decided to switch gears on him and with the hint of a devilish look she rubbed herself against him.

He moaned low and deep as his hands flexed on her thighs.

Liv lifted her hands up to her hair brushing her fingers through her long locks, giving him a full view.

He breathed out hard.  “Goddamn Benson… you drive me so crazy…” he huffed out as his eyes moved over her body.

She smiled coyly.  “Thirsty?” She said quickly like he wasn’t turning her insides to liquid with those burning blue eyes of his as he ogled her, and she got up off his lap and headed for the kitchen.

It took all her will power not to turn around and see the look on his face that she most definitely knew was there.

Elliot sat up sharply after the sudden shock of her leaving him on the couch alone, his body aching for her.  Yea he was thirsty… parched even, but what he wanted more than a drink was more of her.

But his disappointment was quickly replaced by desire again as he watched her walk naked into his kitchen and flip the light on.

All those years of sneaking peeks of her… his eyes shifting down, watching her walk… her hips swaying, her long legs striding under her pants, and that sexy fucking ass of hers.

Now he had a very unencumbered view and watching her ass was the only thing on his mind.

“Damn…” he said unintentionally out loud.

He heard her chuckle to herself.

Oh God help him.  She knew what she was doing, and it sent a shiver down his spine.  Never in his wildest dreams did he ever think in his late fifties he’d be with Olivia, openly loving her, let alone be having the best sex of his life with her all over his apartment.

He had gotten an amazing view of her when she let him undress her earlier, and then when she was naked and wet laying in his bed, ready and wanting him… but now with the lights on, and her walking away, he could really appreciate what she looked like.

And boy was he going to.

“You ok over there?” She said smirking and then she turned her head slightly over her shoulder to just take a peek at his face as she opened the refrigerator door.

His eyes were cascading up and down her bare form, and he was biting his own bottom lip as he gripped the back of the couch to pull himself up and get a better look.

“You know it use to drive me out of my mind watching you walk… I used to imagine what you’d look like naked…” he said his voice laced with want thinking about the old days, “and I have a good imagination but… damn Liv… this… you… us… it’s better than anything… ever.  Real or imagined.” he said, his lips curling into a smile as his eyes continued looking her up and down.

“You are so fucking sexy Liv… I just can’t stop looking at you…”

Liv felt her cheeks flush, and her core started to throb a little hearing him talk about her with so much blatant desire.

She would never stop being surprised by how much he wanted her though.  And how much he had wanted her then too.

She loved how he made her feel sexy and soft… it made her want to do things she never had any interest in before.  There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t be up to trying with him.

She hummed happily to herself as she pulled out a glass container of what looked like iced tea, setting it on the counter next to the fridge.

“You know… you could do more than just look…” she said knowing it was all she needed to say.

She moved to grab a glass from the cupboard and heard El stand up from the couch and pad his way barefoot to the kitchen.  She put some ice in her glass from the dispenser, and felt Elliot come up behind her.

He snaked his arms around her waist pulling her up against him.  He leaned his head down and kiss the skin on the top of her shoulder.  She let her head lean into his as he lightly sucked on her skin.  She could feel the heat of him up against her, his warm hands gripping her, his growing erection nestled against her backside.

Her head was starting to spin with his slow appreciation of her body, and she swayed a little in his arms before she turned herself around to face him, wrapping her arms around his neck, her glass of ice still in her hand.

“Hi...” he said, smiling softly, his eyes heavy with desire.

“Hi…” she answered back, her own smile sliding across her face.  They seemed to be locked into each other’s gaze as they stood there, wrapped up in each other.

“I thought you were thirsty.  That’s why you left me all worked up over there on the couch alone.” He said with a little smirk on his face.

Liv arched an eyebrow at him, and then grabbed an ice cube out of her glass and brought it to her lips, parted them, and let it slowly slip into her mouth.

She was teasing him.

And it was working.

Elliot’s breathing quickened watching her move the ice cube around in her mouth before he heard the crunching of it on her teeth.  A not so innocent smile slipped over her lips.

He took a deep breath in and tried to slow his heart rate down.  Two could play at this game he thought.

He reached up and pulled her hand with her glass in it down and took and ice cube out of it, placing it lightly to her lips.  He felt her suck in her own breath a little as he let it melt a little to soothe her swollen lips, and then popped it into his mouth and started to crunch it.  A cocky little grin curved his lips up.

She took another out, placed it in her mouth, and then brought her lips to his, letting it melt between their open mouths.  His cock twitched between them, and he felt like his skin was on fire.  The ice had melted quickly, and their tongues had found each other.  God she was good, but he had one more idea up his sleeve before he just couldn’t take it anymore.

He pulled back from her, but kept his face close to hers, his eyes locked on hers.  He took another ice cube, and moved in on her, pushing her up against the fridge, invading all her space, surrounding her and she sucked in a sharp breath feeling the cool steel of the fridge door against her bare skin.

He put the ice cube in his mouth and kissed her lips lightly and began to move down her jaw and over her neck, letting it slowly melt on the heat of her skin.  Her breathing picked up, and he heard her moan a little, as he moved the ice with is lips over her collar bone and down between her breasts.

The sound of her ragged breath started to fill his silent apartment.  She let out a low long moan when he moved over the swell of her breast and down to her nipple, pulling it in his mouth with the last of the melting ice.  She gripped his shoulder needing to steady herself because he was slowly sucking her consciousness out of her.

“Ooohhh El…” she mewled, and her hand moved to the back of his neck, needing to keep his lips connected to her because it just felt so good.

He sucked a little harder, flicking her nipple with is tongue and then nipped a little with his teeth.

The sound that came out of her as her nails dug into his skin was his last straw.  He quickly released her nipple from his mouth and moved back up his arms wrapping around her like a vise and hauled her up onto the kitchen island.

She set the glass down somewhere next to her, too wrapped up in Elliot to really care where it was.  She needed to get both her hands on him now and flung them around his neck.

His lips were back on her in a flash, sucking and biting her lips as they both fought for what they wanted.  He moved his right and over her breast, playing with her nipple again, which elicited a throaty moan caught between them that made his spine tingle.

His other hand moved up from around her waist and fisted in her hair, and he tugged gently to move her head so he could taste her skin where he wanted.  He felt her grip his shoulder tighter and another sharp moan escaped her.  He noticed the little moan that she had let out earlier when he tugged gently on her hair, and this was definitely something he wanted to explore more with her, but right now he had other ideas in mind.

His lips trailed over her jaw, and under her ear, and down her neck.  He let go of her hair and moved both of his hands down to her hips and out to her knees.  His lips moved down over her breasts again, lavishing attention on both before he moved lower over her stomach, and he felt her quiver.

She let go of the tight grip she had on him and leaned back on her palms as he spread her legs wider.

Elliot nipped at her hip bone before looking up at her before he continued his path.  Her eyes were swirling with the same dark desire he saw in them before their first time, except now he saw the anticipation of what she knew would come.  All the want, all the desire and knowledge of just how good this was between them.

It was unlike anything he’d ever experienced.

He swallowed hard and tore his eyes away from her as he looked between her legs and let out a completely satisfied breath.

God she was so wet and ready for him, and he had barely even done anything yet.

He could feel the heat coming off her body, and the smell of her arousal for him was intoxicating.  He licked his lips and brought his mouth inches from where he knew they both wanted him.  He lightly brushed his lips over her inner thigh, and slowly sucked her skin in his mouth.

“El please…” she begged, her voice already high and breathy.  She brought one of her hands to the back of his head, and he smiled to himself.  He loved how much she reacted to him.  It was a source of great pride for him that he could bring her so much pleasure, and that she wanted everything he had to offer.

Not wanting to make her wait anymore, he moved his hands from her knees and scooted her ass a little closer to the edge of the island and she leaned back on her palms again.

He lightly brushed his tongue over her core, and her head fell back with a low moan.  He moved his tongue again over her, and this time circled her a little before flattening his tongue and moving it up her opening, getting his first full taste of her.

“Ooohhhhh yes baby…” she said, and he felt that shoot through him all the way down to the base of his spin and straight into the tip of his cock.

He felt his knees twinge a little too.  He needed a better angle so he could fully go down on her the way he wanted to.

“Hang on baby, I’m gonna move you ok.” He said and she nodded unable to form words, her mind so saturated  and focused on him and what he was going to do.

So, he quickly stood up, and gripped her legs, swinging them up and over on to island so she was now long ways on it.  He planted her feet down on the counter.

She leaned back on her elbows as he smoothed his hands over her knees and to her hips, his forearms resting on her inner thighs.  This was better, he could now stand and lean over her, his hands freer to move over her, his knees no longer hurting.

He wasted no time bringing himself back to her, and she moaned loudly as he pulled her clit into his mouth and sucked.

“Oh Elliot… hmmm…” she moaned.  “So good…” she whispered as her eyes slipped shut and he felt her hips rock into him.  He took his time, alternated between sucking and swirling listening to her moan his name in pleasure.

He let his hands roam over her breasts and then moved them down under her legs to grip her hips.  She was arching and moved more and more as he continued to bring her closer to orgasm.

He hummed this time, letting the vibration of his voice smooth over her and she jerked and gripped the edge of the counter.

“Oh fuck El… yessss yess…” she said through heavy breaths.  “Don’t stop… I’m so close baby…” she begged.  He had no plans to do anything of the sort.  God, she tasted so good.  It was strange and yet not strange at all that he was so into the taste of her… everywhere.  It wasn’t like he hadn’t done this before, but with Kathy it was just… something he didn’t do very much.  And it wasn’t bad, but she didn’t seem to have quite as much of a reaction to it.  He wondered if maybe he wasn’t very good at it, or maybe it just wasn’t her thing.

But Liv…

Her reaction to even just the slightest touch of his to her skin was amazing.  She reacted positively to everything he did to her.  She was vocal, and assuring… loving and sweet, but there was also part of her that he seemed to unleash.  A darker side, a sexy dangerous side he saw in her eyes.  Like there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do with him.

And every single inch of her was intoxicating.  She was beautiful and sinfully sexy.  He was so turned on by her… she stirred things inside him he had never shared with anyone.  He had never felt the animal inside the way he did with her.  The way he wanted to bury himself in her over and over again, unrelenting and taking what he wanted and at the same time he wanted to love her slowly… to savor every second…

She was just… everything.  And everything was better with her.  How he ever thought he could spend his life without her… he’d never know. 

He moved his right hand around over her and pulled his mouth from her for a second to spread her open just to see her beautiful swollen clit before he brought his mouth back down on her.  He released the grip of his other arm on her and slid two fingers inside her and started to slowly curve them up.

She yelped and he felt his ego swell and his cock ache.  He knew exactly where her g-spot was, but he wanted to build her orgasm, bring her to the brink and hold her there, before sending her over.

He started to slide his fingers out and in through her wet hot walls, feeling her grip them and then curve them up more getting closer and closer to those two little ridges while he kept lavishing her core with his mouth.

“Ohh yessss… right there El… right there…” she said, her voice high as she squeaked out her praise.

“Oh fuck I’m gonna come… I’m gonna come!” and he pushed his fingers into her a little harder, curling his fingers up and right into her g-spot applying the perfect amount of pressure.

And that was all it took to send her over the edge.

She screamed and came hard around his fingers.  He felt her body start shaking and he continued his motions with his fingers and tongue and mouth, riding out her orgasm, wanting to make sure she was fully satisfied.

And she just kept coming.  He steeled his focus on her and tasting everything she had to offer otherwise he was going to lose himself before he was inside her.  It was excruciating and just utterly amazing at the same time.

He slowed his movements as she started to come down, matching her breathing, and he felt her body start to go lax.  He kissed the inside of her thigh, as he removed his fingers.  He was covered in her and it was fucking sexy as hell.  He was going to have to really clean this island well before everyone came back home.

He looked up at her, her chest still rising and falling as she was trying still to catch her breath.  Her skin was glistening with a sheen of sweat over her.  And she was still whimpering a little to herself.

She looked blissful… and beautiful… and very satisfied.

Christ… he was so in love with her.

“So fucking good…” she whispered to herself mostly, and he couldn’t keep the smile from his face.

He slid his hands down her thighs, rubbing them lightly and rested his chin on one of her knees.  Once she had finally caught her breath, she opened her eyes and was met with the sparkling sea of blue she knew so well.  The same blue of her partner of twelve years… the blue of the man who she fell in love with so many years ago… the blue of the man who was so in love with her… the sparkling blue eyes of Elliot Stabler.

And they were looking at her.

Then she felt them again… the butterflies.

Chapter Text

Elliot stood in his kitchen, sponge in hand as he cleaned off the island.  He couldn’t keep the smug little grin off his face as he remembered what happened on this surface only hours ago.

He still had a hard time believing this was all happening.  The memory of last night wasn’t a fantasy he dreamed.  It was a real memory.  He closed his eyes, and he could still feel her lips on his.  He could still hear the way she sounded when he first touched her intimately.

They way she moaned his name, the searing depth of love in her eyes when she asked him to make love to her.  The feeling of being buried deep inside her for the first time, feeling her silky warm wet walls grip him and her voice tell him she loved him.  Olivia asking him to fuck her hard.

Her scent… her taste… her touch… it was all invading his mind and his senses, and it was real.  These last few hours with her were some of the best of his life.  They were better than any fantasy he had ever though up or ever could.

God he couldn’t wait till this UC op was over.  He never wanted to spend time away from her.  He wanted to be able to go and see her whenever he wanted.  Take her out to lunch… to the movies… dinner… on dates.  He wanted to love her for hours… make out with her on his couch like teenagers.  Picnic in the park with her and Noah… buy her flowers… just… love her.

He wanted to marry her.

He wanted to celebrate every birthday, every anniversary… every holiday… with her.

He sighed.

He stopped cleaning the island and put his forearms on it letting the memory of their last conversation before she left.

After he had made her come all over his face and the island, he had carried her back off to his bed and made love to her into the wakening hours of the morning.  It was a slow burn.  It was full of passion and connection on levels he truly believed no other two humans on earth had ever shared.

They were only able to get a few hours of sleep before her phone rang.  It was the precinct.  But even to have five minutes of her naked body pressed up against his, molded to his side, legs entwined, her face buried in his shoulder asleep in his arms was more than he could ask for.

She had moaned in protest, which made him smile as she reached over the top of him to answer.  He did his best to distract her with his hands and lips while she was on the phone, but he knew that duty called.

She was going to go pick up Noah from Kathleen’s and see if Lucy could watch him, but Elliot told her not to worry, Kathleen wouldn’t mind taking care of him.  So, he called Kathleen to see how things were going and she practically begged to keep Noah.  She made Elliot put Liv on the phone and she promised they had the best time last night and everything was great.  Not being to tell Kathleen no, she accepted, and Kathleen promised she’d be able to bring Noah home whenever Liv was off work.

Once that was settled, she turned back to El and kissed him.  Elliot could still hear her beautiful voice in his head.

“Good morning…”

She was all smiles, her eyes shining.  She looked so beautiful.  Happy.

“Good morning beautiful.” He had said and kissed her back.

“I wish I didn’t have to go El… I want to stay here forever…”

He heard a hint of sadness in her voice.  He felt the same, but he wasn’t going to have any of that.  He wanted her happy all the time, and to be the one to help her get back there when things hit too hard.  When life and cases and whatever else came their way, he wanted to be the one to shoulder her pain.

“Hmm baby… me too.  But we still have a little time before you have to go right?” He had said as he pulled her into him.

“Yea… we do.”

She was smiling again, and it was just the most beautiful thing.

“Hmmm good… because I think my shower is calling our names…”

He wrapped her back up in his arms, and nuzzled her neck, breathing in the scent of her hair.

Her phone had rung again, and this time they both groaned as she reluctantly moved from his arms to answer it once more.  It was her chief and she said she’d be there in thirty

He knew she needed to go, and he inevitably needed to get back undercover.  Their time in this Christmas snow globe they had built was at an end.  But what was happening between them wasn’t at an end.  That was the only thing that was going to keep him going.  Knowing they had finally started this and it was far from over.

Once she was off the phone, he rolled her over and underneath him and pouted.

“Thirty minutes?”

He had tried his hardest to play up his puppy dog face.

She beamed beneath him and laughed as she trailed her thumb over his protruding bottom lip.

“I know my love… I know… I wish we had more time.” She had said, her sweet voice light but he could sense the sadness beneath it.  Again, he didn’t want her to feel anything but happiness, so he changed his tactics.

“Ok baby… it’s ok…”

He trailed his fingers along the necklace he gave her. 

“We’ll just have to break in the shower another time… how about you go jump in and I’ll make us some coffee.”

She had hummed and kissed him and nodded.

“There’s towels in the closet in the bathroom.”

He kissed her back and then he kissed down her body and removed himself from over top of her.  He turned to see her sitting up in his bed, her hair a mess, her eyes shinning… and that smile that could heal the world.

He slipped a fresh pair of boxers on, and he winked at her as he headed into the hallway towards the kitchen.

He had filled the reservoir and put his favorite Italian brand in and leaned on the counter waiting for it to start brewing.  His body was sore but the best kind of sore.

The scent of coffee started to fill his nostrils and he got out two mugs.  He stretched his muscles a little as he waited for the glass pot to fill.  It had only been about ten minutes since he left her in his bed, but he hadn’t heard the shower start.

He filled one of the mugs and took a big sip.  Man, it was good.  He’d never be able to drink American again. 

Just as he was about to fill her cup and bring it to her hoping he’d get a glimpse of her naked and wet in his shower, she came around the corner.

“Hmm… have I told you how sexy you are?”

She stood there and took her time to look him up and down.

He smiled and felt his stomach flip a little

“Not today…” he had jested and turned to face her.

“Well you are…” she hummed, a coy smile on her face and she moved into him letting her hands roam over his bare skin.

She kissed him and pressed herself into him more tasting the coffee he had just sipped.

“Very sexy… very very sexy…”

He could feel the heat creep up his neck and into his face.  He had been called sexy before, and had felt sexy a time or two, but to have those words dripping off the lips of Olivia Benson in that sultry sexy voice of hers… well it was quite an experience.  One he wanted to have over and over again.

“Right back at ya Benson…”

He had brushed her hair off her face so he could see more of her.

They had swayed and smiled at each other for a minute, enjoying the moment of their first morning after.

“That was a quick shower… I was kinda hoping to catch you in there…” he said,

He smirked that smirk that he knew did things to her and she bit her bottom lip as her eyes moved over his mouth.

“Hmm… Fin texted… said the chief was already down at the station and I’d better hurry.  But it’s ok… this is better…”

Her voice sound like she was purring and she moved to kissed along his jaw and up to his ear.

“Now I get to smell like you all day…” she had whispered, and he felt his cock twitch as he groaned and tightened his grip on her.

She laughed softly and kissed his neck before turning to look at her watch.

“Ugh… I gotta go…”

She huffed, the disappointment apparent on her face and in her voice.

She picked up his cup of coffee and took a sip, humming.  They both smiled as she looked at him.  Just like the old days he thought as the image of him picking her up at her apartment and sharing her orange juice with her more than twenty years ago played in both their minds.

“Hey… so when are u… going back?” She asked, and he could tell she had been trying her best to not sound sad… or worried.

He knew what she was asking.  It was on his mind too.  He wanted to spend New Years with her.  With her and Noah and his family… but unless they took down the Albanians in the next four days it didn’t look like it was an option.

“Well Kathleen said Dickie was bringing my mother by to grab a few things for today since Noah will still be there with Eli she’s gonna stay with them.  So probably after that.”

She had pursed her lips and nodded.  She wasn’t going to ask more because she didn’t want to make him feel bad, he could tell.

“Liv… you know there’s no where I’d rather be than with you and Noah on New Years… and maybe depending on how things go I might be able to slip away for a little bit but… your safety and Noah’s are my number on priority.  If they even get a hint that I’m undercover and know you’re involved with me in anyway…” he had needed to pause, not even wanting to think about it and when he went to open his mouth to continue, she had stopped him.

“El… it’s ok… I understand.  I don’t want to put you in a dangerous position either.  Just promise me you will keep in contact… that’s all I ask.”

She took a slow breath in and let it out.  She knew he was a good cop and now that he wasn’t spiraling anymore, very much because of her and this and them, he could tell she didn’t want to send him back, but she trusted him to come home to her.

“I will… I promise…” he told her and crossed his heart with his index finger.  She laughed and brought her lips to his and kissed him.  She had gripped the back of his head and parted her mouth and just kissed him.  Kissed him for all he was worth, tangling herself with him and he couldn’t think.

When she pulled back her face was a little flushed and she winked at him like he had done to her earlier.

He put both hands on her face and kissed her sweet and softly once more.

“I love you Olivia…” he said and his breath caught in his chest.

“I love you too Elliot…”

Her voice was in that delicate high whisper that he loved so much with tears lining her eyes but she had the biggest smile on her face.

She had kissed him one more, slow and steady and sure.

Then she left.

After his door shut he had taken a moment to collect himself, even knowing they were together now wasn’t enough to ease that little bit of ache he felt now they were not in the same room.

It was an ache he was very familiar with.  He had started feeling it shortly after their partnership began.  It flared up at times.  When they were fighting… when she was on vacation which wasn’t a lot, or when he was.  It had hit the highest register when she left him for computer crimes and then again while she was in Oregon.

But it did the most damage to his soul when he left.  When he… walked away… as she put it.  And for ten years he lived, his soul and heart and mind aching for her.  Aching to make things right… to apologize… to go back and chose differently. 

Aching just to see her again.

He knew the amount of pain he put her through though.  It was ever so evident in her when they reconnected.  He could see it, physically feel it.  There was something else there he couldn’t see.  Something masked by mystery in her eyes… a darkness inside her.  It was the one thing he couldn’t read about her, and at some point, he was going to find out what it was.  He knew it was something terrible… it had to be to scar her the way it did, and it happened in his absence.  He would never stop apologizing for leaving.

She had forgiven him, he could see that in her eyes now every time he looked at her.  But he didn’t feel like he had really earned it yet.  He knew she had been hurting… just like he had…this whole time and punched a hole right through him.  He would never stop paying his penance to her.

But that feeling of not deserving her or her forgiveness… that was the past.  He no longer had to hold on to it.  So, this small ebb of ache he felt now that she wasn’t here with him was completely ok.  Because he knew it would disappear the second, he saw her again.  And he could live with that.  He could live with the knowing he’d see her again and for the rest of his life.

He began to continue cleaning the island again.

He had cleaned up pretty much everything else, gotten dressed and this was the last of it.

He heard the key turn in the door and in walked his mother and Dickie.

“Hey momma… you guys have fun last night?” He said coming to help his mom off with her coat, and then giving his son a hug.

“Oh the best… you know that son of Olivia’s is so bright.  Such a good boy too.  He’s more polite than you or you ever were.” She said eyeing both Elliot and Dickie.

Elliot smiled and gave his son a knowing look.

“That’s all she could talk about on our way here dad…” Dickie said under his breath as his grandma made her way into the kitchen.

“That and how beautiful Liv is.”  Dickie added with a little smirk.

Elliot chuckled and gripped his sons’ shoulders tight till Dickie reacted with an audible “ow” as he made his way over to the living room area to wait for his grandma to be ready.

“You were cleaning? I find that hard to believe…” Bernie mumbled, and she slowly walked down the hall to her room.

Dickie eyed the couch and then lifted an eyebrow up to his dad who had started to pick up the cleaning supplies.

“Yea dad… I’ve never seen you clean either… hmm…” he said, his smirk growing. 

“So… is it safe to sit anywhere in here?” Dickie said, now a big grin on his face.

“Dickie!” Elliot said trying not to let his ego get the best of him at the notion that it wasn’t lost on his son why he was cleaning.

“I mean I won’t be eating at the island any time soon but is the couch safe?” He said with a little laughter.

Elliot eyed him, wanting to be the dad, not wanting to share details of all the sex that went on in this apartment and where with his son, but Dickie was a grown man now.  A little hinting wouldn’t hurt.

So he smugly smiled back at his son and chuckled to himself a little placing both his palms on the island in front of him.

“No…” Elliot said with a lift of his eyebrows and big grin on his face.

“Aw… dad… gross…” Dickie moaned.

Elliot laughed.  Really laughed.  He loved that he could make his almost thirty-year-old son still react that way.

“Hey, you brought it up…” El said shrugging his shoulders.

“Yea yea, ok well I’m dropping it now… I don’t need to know any more details.” Dickie said smiling a little.

“Hey dad…”

“Yea?” Elliot said turning back to face his son after he grabbed a towel and started to dry off the island.

“I’m happy for you.” Dickie said and it was genuine.  He really was happy his dad wasn’t going to be alone.  And if there was anyone in this world that he would be ok with being with his dad besides his mom, it was Liv.

“Thanks.” El said, and he felt his heart swell at what a great man his son had become.

“Besides, you’re lucky you know… Liv’s a knockout… she’s always been a knockout…” Dickie said and this time he had that Elliot Stabler smirk on his face.

“Alright, alright, alright…” El said and threw the towel he was holding at his son and they both laughed.


Liv sat at her desk returning some emails and going over paperwork.  The week had just flown by.  Which was a good thing because she missed El so much.  Work was a good distraction, but she’d find herself daydreaming about him.

All the memories they had made over Christmas with his family, how much they loved Noah, and the best night of her life.

The night all her fantasies came true and then some.  It had been a while for her before El, and she was still a little sore.  But it was ok.  Every time she felt the twinge between her legs, or the tender areas of her skin where his hands had gripped her, or his mouth had sucked and kissed and licked, she’d remember how her body came to be that way.

The first night without him was the hardest.  She had her memory, but still, sleeping alone really just wasn’t going to do anymore.  Not when she had been wrapped up in his strong arms, the beat of his heart lulling her to sleep.  She had never slept as peacefully as she had in his arms.  It was going to be something she’d require from now on.  Or at least not until this op was over.

It was now New Year’s Eve, and she wanted nothing more than to be with him.  To go into this new year with him.

But he was still undercover, and it was dangerous to try to get a hold of him.  He had contacted her once a few days ago, but it had been quick.  Still, it was nice to hear his voice and he was keeping his promise to her.  He had obviously checked in with Bell more, which was good, it was what he was supposed to do, and Bell had called her a few times.

The first time was actually quite funny.  He clearly told her about their relationship and Bell being under her in rank seemed… a little awkward on the phone at first.  He must have made her promise to call and let her know he was ok every time he checked in.  Bell was obviously uncomfortable being the go between for them, but she reassured Bell it was fine that she knew about them, and she very much appreciated the updates.

After that first call, she looked forward to Bell’s calls.  Not only because they reassured her about El, but she liked Bell.  She was intelligent, funny, and a very good cop.  A black, gay, female cop who had gotten to the level of Sargent was someone to be respected and acknowledged for her toughness, her demeanor and character in this boy’s club.  It couldn’t have been easy, nor would it continue to be easy, and she valued everything she brought to the force.  And more so, she trusted her to watch El’s back.

Liv sighed and checked her watch.  It was nine thirty and she was supposed to swing by Kathleen’s at some point to spend New Year’s with Noah and the Stabler brood, but Kathleen had called and said Noah had already fallen asleep.  Him and Eli had been up the night before playing video games and they had both knocked out about an hour ago.  Kathleen told her if she had to work it was no worry, Noah could stay with her again.

Olivia loved all of El’s children, but Kathleen had a special place in her heart.  She had really taken Noah under her wing and made him feel so welcome in the Stabler family.  So much so that Kathleen had basically kept him most of this week.

Liv loved Lucy, and so did Noah, but it was nice to be able to have Noah go to… well… essentially a family member.  Though Lucy was like family, this was just… different and she was so overwhelmed with joy that Noah was getting to experience what it was like to have siblings.

She still had a mountain of paperwork to do and figured she might as well get it done now.  Maybe then she could spend the day with Noah tomorrow instead of tonight since he was already out.  Just then her phone rang.

It was Bell.

“Hey Bell… how are things?”

“Good Captain, good.  He’s doing good.  Things are going to happen soon.  Nothing tonight though, or probably tomorrow.”

Liv knew she couldn’t say much.  No details, but that was ok.  She understood.  She just wished she could see him.  She missed him so much.  Even if it was just for a little bit.

“Thanks Ayanna…” she said, and then sighed.

“No problem, Liv…” Bell said.  She was really starting to love the developing relationship between them.  The fact she could call her Liv was a really nice feeling.

“You gonna spend New Year’s with your son?” she asked, wondering what someone like Liv does on holidays.  Being a Captain and all, she did have more of an opportunity to see her family, but then again it was Captain Benson.  She was still very involved with what goes on in this city and being there for victims.  She was a pillar of this community and Bell looked up to her for that.

“Ah… well maybe after this mountain of paperwork, but he’s already asleep.  So, I’ll probably just have a glass of wine and go to bed.  We’ll celebrate tomorrow.  You?”  Liv said.

Bell could tell Liv was missing Elliot and was worried.  Bell felt bad for her.  She had so much respect for Captain Benson, and she could hear the heartache in her.  She wished there was something she could do for her.

“On my way home.  My family is waiting.  Seems they’re always waiting for me…” she said with a little chuckle knowing Liv knew exactly what that felt like.  Being a cop, working crazy hours, always trying to balance the job and family.  She understood and it was nice to talk to someone who knew.  Another woman who knew.

Liv laughed softly and said, “Yea I get that… if I had a dollar for every time I was late to one of Noah’s rehearsals or shows he’d have a bigger college fund.”

“I get that…” Bell said and then she paused.  Now that she thought about it, there was something she could do for Benson.

It was New Year’s after all, and she was on her way home to her wife and son to celebrate.  It only seemed right to help out this woman who she respected immensely and her own detective who she had really grown to care about.  Bell decided just this once she’d break protocol.

Maybe it would bite her in the ass later, but if anyone was going to be discreet and not get caught, it would be Benson.

“Well, you have a good New Year’s Eve Ayanna.” Liv said.

“Yea, you too Liv…” Bell said, and she paused for a second and just as she sensed Liv was ready to say goodnight, she said, “Hey Liv… there might be something I can do for you.”


Elliot checked his watch.  It was almost midnight.  He missed her.  He wished he could spend this night with her and go into the new year with the love of his life.  Damn the timing of this op he thought.  He had told her he had spent too many holidays and birthdays away from her and now here he was, missing another one.

He was grateful she understood, but it didn’t make him feel any better right now.  Not when he was aching for her touch, her lips… her beautiful smile and her love.  He so desperately wanted to be wrapped up in her it was making the ache inside him burn a little more.  The Albanians were celebrating and partying of course.  They were all drunk enough after about two hours that he was able to slip away and head back to his trailer.

If he couldn’t be with Liv on New Year’s, he didn’t want to be with anyone.  He’d settle for laying in his bed in this makeshift home dreaming of her.


Remembering how soft her lips are… how smooth her skin is… the taste of her mouth… the sound of her voice mewling and melting at his touch.  The way she made him feel… everywhere.  How his whole body stood at attention for her.  And most of all, the feeling of how much she really loved him.

God, he missed her.

Just as he was getting comfortable and starting to relax into his memories of then together for the first time, he heard something.

He sat up swiftly and turned his ear to the sound.

Yup… just what he thought… footsteps.

The sound of someone’s feet treading lightly on the gravel that surrounded his trailer were getting louder as they approached closer.

He quietly but quickly got up and grabbed his gun.  He pointed it at the door, his muscles tight, his mind sharp.

Whoever it was stopped right at his door, and stood there a second, then knocked quietly.

He lowered his gun a little but kept it in his hand and went to answer the door.

He took a breath and opened it.

He felt his breath get knocked out of him.

“Happy New Year El…” Liv said, with the biggest smile on her face.