I am writing this out on our veranda watching this beautiful sunrise. You and Eli should be returning from your hike this afternoon, so I took the opportunity to tell you the truth. I owe you the truth.
That night that you came home to me, during our separation was a huge surprise. I understand that you came to see the kids, because of a case. When you came to me, and kissed me, it made me so happy. It was nice to be wanted. I’d missed you. I missed my husband. I wanted you to stay, but you didn’t and it broke my heart.
I made a decision a few days later that I am not proud of. I went to lunch with my friend Susan and we had a long talk. We gossiped about life and work. She told me about a client at the fertility clinic, and I made an impulsive move. That is part of why I called you two days later and invited you back into our bed.
Remember that doctor who was arrested about a year before we moved for fraud and illegally implanting embryos?
He helped me. I’d put away money for years for an emergency, and it was enough to pay for his help.
I didn’t lie when I said Eli was your son. He is. I provided him with what he needed to fertilize the egg he’d provided from a client who he claimed had donated them. Apparently she hadn’t consented, but at this point it is irrelevant. I found out years later. I don’t regret it though.
Despite the fact that I knew the donor had dark hair and eyes, it hadn’t occurred to me that the baby wouldn’t be born with blonde hair and blue eyes like our other children. As Eli’s eyes got darker, I knew that this would come up one day. I wasn’t expecting it to be so soon, though. Eli is growing up so quickly.
When it was obvious that Eli wasn’t looking like his siblings, I started to panic. I was relieved that you were working constantly, because maybe you wouldn’t notice until I had something figured out. When you shot that girl, I took a chance. You were a mess, and it broke my heart. Watching you with Eli, I came up with the idea of retirement, and moving. I hoped maybe you wouldn’t see what I saw every time I looked at him. I suggested Italy because I knew you would love it. And I was right. It was amazing, and beautiful to watch you with Eli as he grew up. It was a chance that we didn’t have with the other kids, so it was incredibly special.
I was haunted by the ghost of what should have been.
I don’t know when or if I will ever have the courage to hand you this letter.
I hope that you can forgive me, or at least understand.
Also, life happens in a funny way sometimes. Like how the first person to hold Eli as birth was his biological mother. I’m surprised you don’t see the resemblance. I see her in his eyes. I see her in his smile. I am so, so sorry.
There is more information in our safe deposit box in an envelope with Eli’s name on it, along with his birth certificate.