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Best Broken Promises

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They both found themselves back at her apartment later that afternoon after a long, silent car ride. Olivia clung tightly to the ultrasound photos that she had received before walking to the refrigerator to replace the first ones with the latest ones. She ran her finger over them once again with a smile, and she began to get excited to show Noah later in the evening and watch him light up with happiness like he had done before. She watched as Elliot paced in a circle, running his hand over his face with a sigh. She began to once again reminisce on their days as partners. The many times of waiting in silence for another answer to help solve their case, how she could just watch his every move and become instantly calm. She wasn't sure how, but every methodical step he took would bring an unexpected wave of peace that she needed. She prayed that same wave of peace would come again as she sensed tensions rising in the room.

"Elliot, please say something." She was finally able to muster out a sentence; a sentence she wasn't even sure she was ready to say. He finally looked over to her before walking closer to her.

"I feel that I've already said everything that I need to say." He had a good way of blocking her from his thoughts when he wanted to, and she wished she could understand why. She continued to look in his eyes as if she was trying to fish for some sort of answer.

"All I asked for was time. I do care about you a lot, Elliot, but I just want to continue to process everything. We've both had a lot of hurt and loss in our lives, so I want to continue to work through it together." Olivia tried to explain calmly, breaking her gaze to watch the rain patter on the small window in the apartment.

"And you know what, Olivia? I don't think that would be as complicated if there wasn't a baby in the mix of all of this. I want to be able to have all of my family together and happy. But, if you're not going to let that happen, please let me know now." And, once again, he was putting their fate on her shoulders. She hated that he felt like he had to do that, that damn son of a bitch knew just how to complicate things even more than they were. He knew just how to play her mind just right so that she would say exactly what he wanted her to. Her heart and soul screamed inside her chest as her mind continued to fluster with multiple things; she wanted so badly just to send him away, if that was even possible.

"I guess I still can't help but wonder if this baby would've never existed if you would still be here." Her whispered words caused his face to soften as he watched her eyes fill with tears once again. As much as he would hate to admit it, she was right. He knew that though his ten year absence may have brought him joy and happiness for the most part, it was most likely complete hell for her. He imagined sleepless nights as she tossed and turned wondering if there was something different she could have done. He imagined countless tears as she constantly made the decision to go to that same squad room every day, putting her into more misery than he could ever imagine. He imagined her anger at him and at the universe for putting her through so much hurt and pain. But she was always the strong one. He could never discredit the amount of strength she has shown and growth she has experienced because of his absence, but he could never forgive himself for everything that had happened because of it. "It wasn't all bad, you know. Pain, hurt, and grief were only parts of the story. I gained a family, gained and lost relationships, and became a superior officer for a squad that I love." Olivia spoke as if she was reading his mind. He then began to imagine her strength, courage, and empathy as she worked up the ranks in the squad. He then began to imagine her becoming a mother for the first time; he imagined it coming so naturally to her as she navigated caring for Noah. Picturing it all almost brought him to his knees in front of her, but knowing it may cause more of an issue, he stood firmly in front of her.

"Liv, I.." His tone trembled, but she soon interrupted him.

"I know a baby complicates things a little bit, but I want to continue to help our friendship and relationship, or whatever this is, to grow stronger as we continue to work through things. That's what our family needs, right?" She took his hands into hers, hoping she could convey the right message to him. Our family, hearing her use those words made Elliot the happiest man he had been in a while. Maybe she was coming around, he thought. She understood why he was ready to go all in with this, but she hoped that he could understand why she wasn't. They were continuing to work through their relationship previously before she had become pregnant, and she didn't want things to change due to all the changes that had taken place.

"I'm here, and I'm all are everything I ever wanted." He tried putting his trembling hand on her cheek before she apologetically pulled it away. She watched as the hurt and confusion grew in his eyes.

"I just don't know if I'm ready to love and trust you like you deserve. You have to give me a chance to get to that point." She spoke through gritted teeth, raising her voice a bit.

"Oh, cut the crap, Liv! Just admit you don't want me in that way, just go ahead and say it!" He yelled as he walked away from her, going to look over at the window as the rain fell harder. He took some deep breaths, trying not to let anymore emotion show. He felt her slowly creep upon him once he had calmed a bit more.

That's when she did the unthinkable and unexpected.

Next thing he knew, her lips were crashing against his in a heat of passion. As their hormones raged, and electrical sparks travelled their nervous systems, Elliot couldn't help but feel somewhat of a confusion come over him. He knew that pregnancy caused hormones to rage more than usual, but he also knew that Olivia was just as confused and in pain as he was. Even though they both knew that a heat of passion couldn't fix anything, it always helped them to forget any of the current problems they were experiencing. It was like nothing else even mattered anymore when they both had each other's full attention. It's always what made it so hard for the other person to pull away. His hands found a trail down her ever-changing body, and she let out a small whimper as he touched each sensitive spot. Which seemed to be almost everywhere these days.

"Elliot Stabler, don't you dare ever tell me what I want again." She spoke almost seductively with a smile, refilling her lungs with some deep breaths. He smiled and wanted to go in for more, but he hesitated slightly.

"I knew you would do that." He spoke, still smiling slightly as she bit her lip and looked at the ground. "You're so afraid of me leaving that you can't help but use passion to keep that from happening."

"Can you blame me?"

"I guess the only one to really blame is myself. I really screwed everything up, didn't I?" His tone became a sad whisper, and he saw the sadness grow in her face. "Look, I know you may not be ready to, but when you are, I can't help but continue to wonder if you were truly okay during all that time."

"I wouldn't say I was truly all the way okay, or even happy most of the time, but I'll be sure to tell you how I survived it." She gave him a small smile, and he put his arms gently around her. "One day." She smiled wider as she laid her head on top of his chest, listening to the calming sound of his beating heart. The most prominent sign of life; the symphony that could comfort any worried soul. She began to imagine the day she would tell him what he wanted to know: everything . She thought about how his teeth would clench and how his anger would rise when she spoke about the many volatile situations she found herself in during his absence. She then imagined how his jealous antics would arise when she began to speak about the different relationships she had formed and how many of them were with people he knew. She chuckled slightly to herself before she began to imagine his grief and sadness when he continually realized he wasn't present for any of it.

"Come on, let's go sit down. I don't want you to get dizzy from standing too long." Elliot washed her away from her thoughts, and she looked up at him with a small smile. And then, she began to realize something. Underneath multiple layers of things..

He really was a good man. He always had been, even from the moment they met years ago. He wasn't perfect, by any means, but he was good. Good as a man could get, she thought.

She could learn to trust him again.

Couldn't she?

It was damn worth the try.