chapter four: it might go sideways
She hates this feeling, she thinks, as she stares into the bathroom mirror. Her entire life, she's only ever wanted to have a family of her own. So, as she glances down at the sticks resting against the counter, she can't help but feel like whatever the result says, it's final.
This is the end all, be all.
If it says positive, she'll leave - call him from wherever she ends up, and tell him, but only once she’s far enough away that he won’t follow. No, she wouldn’t. She’s stick around. Deny that it’s his. She’d tell him…eventually. If it says negative, she'll tell him that she had thought she was, that this is why it has been a very bad idea. This is why they shouldn’t have ever crossed that line. Why that night had been…stupid.
She steels herself, taking a deep breath, and looks at the first one. Negative.
Her heart clenches in her chest. She's shaking now, unsure of the why this frightens her, the idea of more than half of the sticks being negative more than multiple positives. She could deal with the positive ones…but with the negative ones, she feels like it would never happen for her.
Positive? She rehearses telling him it's not his, until she can finally say it with conviction...no micro-expressions giving herself away. Even though she knows she’s full of shit.
How did it get so messed up? How did she find herself here? How did she find them in this situation?
She remembers. God, does she remember how they got here.
She had blown their partnership to hell. He'd been just as guilty, just as willing. It became so easy. Too easy, between them, the stares, the small touches.
Running her hand over her face she slides down against the cold porcelain of the bath tub, resting her back against the cool surface. She pulls her knees up to her chest, closing her eyes…she feels so stupid. So stupid. A negative was a good thing...wasn't it? Why was she more anxious for five more tests to show up negative? Why?
It started with the undercover operation at the Swing Set.
“I’m Elliot, this is my wife Olivia.”
To quenching your every thirst.
She looked at Elliot when that was said…and they had one of their silent communication moments, because he’d looked at her too. That damn smirk on his face. Doubtful. She’d thought in that minute. There was no way. He was her married partner. He wasn’t interested.
How do you two deal with jealousy? She’d asked. What the hell was she doing? Finding out for herself?
By the end of the evening, when he’d taken her back to her apartment (“I’m not letting you out of my sight when you look like that”) he’d told her. As though her walking through the city would be such a bad thing in that dress and those heels – that she would fall prey to whomever was out there.
That they’d pounce on her.
What she wasn’t expecting was to be pounced on by her partner of thirteen years. As soon as she’d shut the door to her apartment, he’d boxed her in and she’d furrowed her brows.
“El, what are you doing?”
“Liv, you can’t tell me you weren’t turned on tonight. Tell me what you were thinking.” She just stared up at him, eyes wide as his hand played with one of her strands of hair. “Tell me the truth. You promised that you’d always tell me the truth.”
"I think about what you would feel like." she confesses, "What we'd feel like together. If I were to straddle your lap, sink down onto your cock, just like the women in the club were doing on those couches.”
His eyes flashed down to her lips and back to her eyes, as he looked, he licked his lips.
“I think about what you’d look like doing that as well. I think about what it would feel like to run my tongue between your breasts, to kiss you.” He confesses, moving his hand a fraction of an inch and cupping her jaw.
“Then do it.” She challenges, breathless and flushed. She’s so turned on, she doesn’t know how to think. Otherwise, she would probably push him back and tell him this is a bad idea and they can’t. However, she’s drunk on his proximity.
That’s when his lips hungrily crashed into hers. His tongue running along her bottom lip until she opens her mouth granting him access. Moaning into his mouth, she’s not the least bit surprised when she feels his fingers on her thigh, feels the weight of him pressing her into the wall. He lifts her easily as she wraps her legs around him, his hands resting just below the curve of her ass.
When he falls back onto the couch, she wastes no time in lifting slightly to pull her underwear off, as he unzips and moves his pants to the side, his erect cock standing at attention. She sinks down onto him, already wet – already wanton. She doesn’t consider anything in the moment other than the need to move. To feel him. All of him.
Her breasts are spilling out of the dress, and Elliot’s hands are firmly gripping her waist. She’ll have bruises there tomorrow but she doesn’t care as the sound of their bodies moving together breaks through the room. As she lifts up, he presses her back down and this is the give and take they’ve always had. Right now though, she’s not sure who’s giving and who’s taking. It doesn’t much matter, honestly.
All she knows is the feeling of his hands on her and his cock hitting her in all the places she’d yearned for. Their pace had begun as an even one, but as she neared her climax, he brought his hand between them, rubbing her clit with his thumb as she sinks down. Her cheeks are flushed, her hands are resting on his shoulder and all he can think about with every thrust is mine. Mine. Mine.
As she reached her orgasm, he felt her walls clamp down on his hard cock, her head fell against his shoulder as he took over in measured strokes, her nerves on fire. It took only four more strokes before he released his load inside of her, running his tongue down between her breasts. When she’d risen, disappeared to the bathroom, and returned with a towel, telling him he’d better get going, she was sure he was going to die right there.
“I wanted to know.” She whispered.
She reaches forward, grabbing two of the sticks in her hand. Stick two, says positive. Stick three says negative. What the fuck was wrong with these home tests? Maybe she should go see Melinda. She bit the comer of her mouth. If it says positive – on the last three sticks, they’re going to suspect her and Elliot. She’ll have to get a new partner, oh shit, she thought, I don’t want another partner.
Then, Ken Turner.
"Did you hear what that asshole said? " Elliot asked, his blue eyes studying her face. Meanwhile, Cragen shook his head, mumbling something or other about paperwork and walking away. She had heard what he had said, and it was like he had reached inside her very subconscious, pulling out her darkest fantasies she had buried with the two words he'd uttered years before.
Who knew Kathy's reproductive prowess would make her own ovaries shrivel and die from depression?
"Yeah, El, I heard." Shaking her head. "He's sick." She swallowed. He flinched. Good.
" Liv. "
She shook her head, walking toward the Crib. She couldn't do this, not now. "I'm going to take a nap."
He watched her walk away.
Twenty minutes later, she heard the door open, then shut. She heard the scrape of the bunk nearest to the door being pulled to block the door. What the hell? She rolled her shoulder over, glancing at the doorway. Brows furrowed in confusion. "El?" She asked, his head swiveled.
"I can't get the thought, I can’t erase the sight of you the other night...can't get the idea out of my head." He confesses, and she feels her heart pounding, feels her body begin to shake with want. Her breathing changes, it's shaky. God, she's thought about this scenario a couple hundred times. But she's got to be dreaming. There's no way this is reality. Elliot wouldn't do this. This is all her fantasy. That's it. She's dreaming. Has to be. "Say it." He moves closer to her , sitting between the bend of her ass and feet, she's on her side with her legs bent.
She moves her arm from the place it's resting to over her head, her sweater rising and baring her midriff. The arm underneath was tucked into her sweater, hand splayed on her ribcage. Her breath hitches as he places his hand on her hip, turning her body so she now lays on her back.
"I can't either." She admits. Point to Elliot for calling her out on this. "It's hard to pretend that I haven't ever thought about...that."
"Liv." He says, and she feels warmth flood between the apex of her thighs. She clenches her knees tighter together, desperate for the friction. His hand moves, brushing over her belly button, fingers open and his pinky dips beneath the waistband of her pants. "I meant it when I offered years ago – just…Tell me."
“I want you to fuck me again, El.”
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. When he opens them again, she notes the way his pupils are blown. With a sharp inhale she rolls off the cot, walking around the bed, unfastening her belt and pants as she does. Standing there in front of him, she pushes them down, licking her lips.
He moves quickly, drawing himself up in front of her, pulling his belt out, unzipping his own pants. As she steps out of her pants, he sits back down atop the thin mattress. She moves, without hesitation as she straddles his lap, her lacy navy boy short panties still on. She hooks her thumbs in the sides of them, pulling them down, bending over one of the cots in the room, exposing herself to Elliot.
“Fuck, Olivia.” he whispers, hands tangled in her hair as he runs his fingers along her slit, dripping with want. She wasn’t lying to him. “This view.”
“Just fuck me, El.” she whispered, and when he pushed into her, buried to the hilt she bit down on her lip to avoid alerting everyone still in the Squad room what was going on. His hands on her hips as he drilled into her from behind, his hands traveling up to her breasts to pull her closer to him as she whimpered, his quiet “shushes” in her ear.
She remembered slamming her eyes closed as she leaned forward on the bed, his pace one of unbridled punishment.
She swears she can still feel his fingers on her skin.
Sitting up, she glances down at the last three tests.
Positive. Positive. Positive.
It might go sideways.