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I want to share it with you

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When Kieren and Simon started talking about doing more complicated things with their sex life, Kieren was ecstatic. He had a long list of ideas he thought would be fun to try out. 

Kieren had stumbled upon kink once when he actually had some time alone at the computer, back when he was alive. Some random blog posting talking about BDSM and explaining the ideas behind it and what things stood for and all the different things that could be done. Since then, he had been exploring different kinks whenever he would be able to sneak a few minutes at the family computer. 

He never had a ton of time, much less than he would have preferred while researching things. It would've been great if he could just sit for hours, reading through different posts, articles, writings, and watching videos. Unfortunately there just wasn't the option, so he settled for skimming reading materials and printing them out to go through later. 

The binder he kept them in was carefully organized. Different colored tabs and separators for different kinks, sticky notes on the tops of pages with things he enjoyed, dividers separating practical resources and tutorials from the erotic stories. He even had a section for pictures and screenshots from videos that he particularly enjoyed, and a small sketchbook he would draw in using them as references or inspiration. 

He kept all of it carefully hidden in the back of one of his drawers. He was lucky that his family wasn't intrusive and he knew most of his things wouldn't be touched, but risking someone accidentally finding it and the ensuing awkward conversation would've killed him sooner than he killed himself. 

Kieren had found it exactly where he had hidden it before he died when he came back. He wasn't surprised, not after seeing how his family left his room almost untouched, and was incredibly grateful that they hadn't moved anything. The embarrassment would've killed him a second time for sure. There wasn't much time to really think about stuff like that at first, not with everything that had been going on in Roarton. 

Then Simon showed up. 

Once Kieren found himself attracted to him, he was plunged back into thinking about kink. When they actually started dating, it was even worse. Kieren would stay up late looking through his old binder, going page by page to remember what he had saved. He took note of what things he was still interested in and what things he really wanted to do if Simon would give him the chance. It all depended on what Simon was comfortable with since they hadn't really talked about it yet. 

Turns out, Simon had less experience with kink than Kieren had expected. He assumed that between the rebellious attitude and drugs that Simon would've run into more kink opportunities than Kieren did in his small town, but he hadn't. Simon knew about the basics, bondage, dom/sub dynamic, masochism, but had never practiced in any way that really mattered. They'd find out that he really had no idea how that stuff actually worked in a safe way. 

The topic comes up one night at the bungalow while laying in bed together, fingers tracing over each other’s cold skin slowly. They’d talked about it briefly, just bringing up the idea to see if the other was interested, but not in much personal detail. Kieren had explained more about the different ways people did dom/sub dynamics, the importance of safewords and color systems to make sure everyone is having fun, and some of the other kinks that were often brought in. Simon makes it very clear that he has no interest in bondage. Other than that, he’s open to trying out most things, nothing in particular really pulling at his interest. 

“What are you interested in?” Simon asks Kieren, looking at him intensely. 

Kieren laughs and grins as he can feel the excitement buzzing under his skin just from the idea of actually practicing the things he’d thought about for years. “There’s a lot,” he says, loving the way Simon smiles at that. “I’ve actually got a bunch of papers printed out that I keep hidden. It’s not easy getting alone time at the family computer to research this stuff.” 

Simon nodded, running his fingers down Kieren’s arm and back up slowly, repeating the motion rhythmically. “Like what?” 

Kieren lets out a deep sigh, thinking over what main things he should mention to Simon first. “It might be better to just show you them,” he says, snuggling up closer to Simon. “You could come over sometime this week, or I could bring it back here.”

Simon thinks for a moment. “I know Amy said she has some dresses she needs to make this week, so maybe your place would be better, depending on what’s going on there.” 

“Thursday afternoon should work,” Kieren says. “Jem’s got late classes that day and my parents are planning on having a night out.” 

“Thursday afternoon sounds good,” Simon replies with a smile, and Kieren can’t help but pull him closer to kiss him. His skin prickles with excitement as he starts thinking about all the fun things they can explore together. 

-------

Kieren spends the next few days absolutely buzzing with anticipation. He spends most of his free time locked in his room and carefully going through his binder and desperately trying to not jerk off too much. He grabbed an extra paper and took notes on the things he thought Simon might enjoy, what things would be easiest to do with what they had. They didn’t have anything in terms of gear, really. He tried to come up with everyday objects they could use. A solid hairbrush, some feathers? He wasn’t sure what sensations they’d be able to feel easily, let alone what would also feel good. 

Thursday rolls around and he can hardly sit still. Kieren’s so excited to show everything off to Simon and figure out what they want to do. His parents leave early in the afternoon, wishing him and Simon a nice day. He had told them that Simon was coming over to spend the night and watch some movies, nodding along to the suggestions his dad gave while taking in none of them. He didn’t want to risk not telling them and then finding out he had snuck Simon over for definitely non-movie watching reasons. 

Simon shows up not too much longer after his parents leave, and Kieren practically jumps out of his skin when Simon knocks. He yanks open the door for him, grinning and reaching out to pull Simon into a kiss. Simon chuckles into the kiss as Kieren drags him through the door before he’s able to pull himself away. “Excited?” 

“Oh you don’t even know,” Kieren replies, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he grabs Simon’s hand and pulls him towards his bedroom. “I’ve been so excited for this. I haven’t been able to really talk about it much or do anything at all, between Rick being closeted and then the whole dying thing and coming back and trying to just survive, let alone looking for someone else to do things with.” 

He leads him up the stairs to his bedroom, each step causing a tension to build in his stomach until he’s hit with a sudden wave of anxiety as he opens his door. He swallows hard, as Simon follows him in and he closes the door, and stands there for a moment awkwardly as Simon looks around, taking in a few of the new art pieces Kieren had up. 

Simon turns back to Kieren after a second, smiling at him before frowning from the look on Kieren’s face. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” Kieren says, swallowing again as he walks over to his bed. Simon follows behind him and sits down on the mattress when he does, setting a hand on Kieren’s thigh. Kieren reaches under his pillow and pulls out the binder from where he had put it for easier access, staring down at it in his lap. He’s suddenly scared and embarrassed at his meticulous organization of his kinks over the years, worried that Simon will laugh at him. 

“Are you sure? We don’t have to do anything if we don’t want to,” Simon says with that soft voice, his thumb running along Kieren’s jeans slowly. 

“No, I want to,” Kieren stammers out, clinging to the binder to keep his hands from shaking with nervousness. “I’m just.” He paused, unsure of exactly what he wanted to say. “Just. Promise you won’t laugh, alright?” Simon nods, his face serious as Kieren passes the binder to him, too anxious to flip through it himself. 

Kieren had all sorts of grand ideas about how this moment would go. He daydreamed about flipping through each of the pages, showing Simon how things were organized and categorized, explaining all the details and different concepts that were outlined in the pages. There was so much excitement around sharing this with him that sunk into his chest in the form of embarrassment now that the moment had actually arrived. It was much more nerve wracking with Simon actually present. 

Simon takes the binder carefully in his hands, holding it like it was some ancient book he found stuffed in the back shelves of a library. He opens it and his eyes widen as he takes in the detailed cover page laying out where everything was and what things meant. He reads down the page slowly, going over every word with a serious wonderment in his eyes. 

Kieren wishes he could go back and decide against this. His fingers pick at the frayed edges of his hoodie sleeves, ripping out loose threads. He switched between staring at Simon's face, aimlessly looking at the floor, reading over the words himself, and watching as he tore apart his clothes. 

The silence in the room goes on for several moments as Simon takes his time and Kieren can not stand it. "You don't have to read all of it," he says, his leg bouncing with nervousness.

“But I want to,” Simon says as he looks up at him. “It’s important to you, I want to make sure I read everything.”

“We’ll be here for hours if you do that,” Kieren replies. “You can just skim it and if there’s anything interesting or you want to know more about, you can just ask.” 

Simon frowns, clearly disappointed in not being able to go over every line on every page, but nods. He looks over the cover page again, reading faster and focusing more on the categories than all the organizational materials. Kieren had put a lot of effort into this, and the amazement of the fact that he was sharing it with Simon was mind blowing. He felt so lucky. 

“Do you think we could do some of these?” Simon asks, confusion drawing his face in as he flips to some of the pages and glances at them before flipping back to the cover. “We don’t really experience things like before. I mean, the sensory stuff, like pain and...tickling?”

Kieren groans and rubs at the side of his face with his hand. “I don’t know, honestly. I put a lot of this together before I died, I’ve kept it in there just in case. I mean we could, we could always try and if we don’t like it not do it anymore, it’s not like we’re committing to anything. And we don’t have to do anything really,” Kieren can’t help saying. He felt so stupid. Tickling? He couldn’t believe he put stuff like that in there. His mind suddenly races as he mentally flips through the binder, trying to remember what weird kinks he had written down. Oh God, there were so many. 

“We can try them,” Simon says and reaches over to set a hand on Kieren’s thigh reassuringly. “I want to try the things you’re interested in.”

It makes Kieren relax slightly, but he doesn’t stop picking at his sleeves. “Okay,” he says shakily, letting out a slow breath. “Okay.” Every muscle in his body feels tense and he breathes out again to force them to relax somewhat. 

Simon looks over him for a moment before setting a hand on Kieren’s cheek, running his thumb over his skin. He gently pulled him close and pressed a kiss to Kieren’s temple, soft and barely there, and it makes Kieren melt into the touch, his body actually relaxing a little. 

Simon smiles and goes back to the binder. He flips through the section about different kinks, making a mental note on the ones he’s curious about, blinking in surprise every now and then to see that there’s such specific ones that he didn’t even consider. He turns a page and gasps softly when he gets to the section with pictures, staring at the black and white sketches. “Did you draw these?” he asks as he flips through each picture, trying his best to not take too much time. 

“Some of them,” Kieren says. “Other ones I found and wanted to keep either because I just liked them or I wanted to use them as references.”

“They’re beautiful,” Simon said as he went through them, noticing a pattern in how most of the men looked. He’s reminded of the way Kieren would run his hands over his hairy chest, sometimes tangling the hair between his fingers and pulling when Simon would touch him in a way that got him to gasp and moan. He’s suddenly angry that the treatment center shaved his back in order to get to his spine. 

“Thanks,” Kieren says, smiling a little in embarrassment. 

“Is there anything in particular you want me to look at?” Simon asks, knowing that Kieren was right in that they would be here for hours if he had his way with the binder. 

“The uh, the pink ones are some of my favorites and the orange ones were things I thought we could try out,” he says, and he clasps his hands together to force himself to stop destroying his clothes. He knows his heart would be pounding right now if it could. Oh God, Simon was going to actually know what things Kieren really liked and he’s mortified that he gave the binder to him. 

Simon nods and goes back to the beginning of the binder, turning to the pages with orange tabs on them first. He hums softly in interest as he looks through them, taking longer to go through these bookmarks since they meant more to Kieren. His head tilts as he thinks for a second. “How do you want to do some of these?” 

Kieren’s stomach twists around itself every time Simon opens his mouth. “What do you mean?” 

“Like,” Simon paused for a second. “Which of us do you imagine being on the receiving end of some of these?” 

“Oh,” Kieren said. “I uh,” he cleared his throat, words hard for him to pull out of himself. “I’m open to different options. I don’t really know what I’ll like, I mean, there’s some things that I’ve imagined us doing a certain way but we can try out different things.” Oh my God just shut up, he thinks to himself. 

“Which things do you have a preference for then?” Simon asks, flipping back through the binder to take in the pages with pink bookmarks this time, going very carefully over those ones. 

“Well,” Kieren stammers out, his leg bouncing so fast it shakes the bed. “There’s uh, there’s stars on the top corner of those ones,” he gets out, trying to use the nervous energy to get his words out quickly before he can choke on them. “I went back through before you came over and thought about it and made a note of things like that so it’d be easier to go through.” So I wouldn’t have to go through them while you’re here .

Simon nodded, trying to remember what ones he had seen with the little stars on them. He turns through the erotic section and stops, flipping back a few pages. There’s a story with an orange and pink bookmarks, and the little star. He reads over the title and summary slowly, arching an eyebrow as he does. “What’s this one?” 

Kieren freezes when he realizes what Simon’s looking at and he fights not to bolt out of the room. “It’s uh, it’s-” he starts, dread and embarrassment hitting him like a truck. “Oh my God…” he groans, covering his face with his hands. He’d be blushing if his blood could still move. 

“Hey, Kieren,” Simon says softly, reaching to touch him again. “What’s wrong? We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, that’s okay. I can give you this back.” 

“No, no,” Kieren mumbles, shaking his head. He can tell that Simon feels bad, like he’s done something wrong, and he can’t stand that. “It’s okay, I want you to read it. It’s just,” he groans again. “It’s embarrassing,” he mumbles quietly, forcing the words out like they’re glass. 

“Are you sure? Do you want to talk about it more or should I just-”

“Just read it,” Kieren interrupts him, pulling his legs up on the bed so he can sit while curled up, knees pressing against his chest in an attempt to somehow hide himself. “It’ll be easier to understand that way.” 

“Okay,” Simon says softly, and he leans over to give a kiss to the top of Kieren’s head before he turns back to the book. 

Kieren’s muscles are so tight as he stays curled in on himself, burying his face into his knees. He can’t even look at Simon while he reads the story. The silence in the room is overwhelming and Kieren wishes he had put on music or something, turned a fan on just for the noise. He tries to remember just how long the story is and guestimate how long it would take for Simon to get through it. It’s going to be a while and he’s not sure how long he can sit here curled up in shame without his brain rotting out his skull. 

Kieren risks lifting his head just enough to look at Simon over his knees. Simon’s hunched over the binder, his face some beautiful mix of seriousness and amazement. It makes Kieren’s heart melt and he smiles slightly, even as the anxiety continues to eat away at him. 

Simon makes a small noise of interest and Kieren’s heart plummets again. “What?” he blurts out in worry. 

“Oh, nothing,” Simon says as he continues to read through the story meticulously. “It’s interesting.” 

“What do you mean?” Kieren asks, still barely looking at him. “Interesting how?” 

“Just is,” Simon replies. “It’s...not really what I was expecting.” 

Kieren swallowed hard. “We don’t have to do anything like it if you’re not interested. It’s just something I’ve liked and thought about for a while, but if it’s not your type of thing we can focus on other stuff. I don’t want to make you do anything you think is weird or are just not into.” Kieren can’t help but over explain, to make sure Simon has enough of an out so that he doesn’t have to think too hard about dropping the subject if he wants. 

It causes a deep ache in Kieren’s chest to think about and he hates himself for having brought up any of this at all. Their sex was fine before this, they were having a good time. If Simon had wanted to do more stuff, they easily could have. But no, Kieren just had to get over eager and decide to share a bunch of weird kinks with him instead. He’s about ready to say as much when Simon responds. 

“It’s not that at all,” he interrupts Kieren’s internal monologue. “I’ve just always thought about kinks and stuff as being a lot more, well, rough? That’s really the main thing you see if you’re not really into it. I wasn’t expecting something so...gentle and in depth.” 

It helps to subdue Kieren’s fears a little, but it does nothing to reduce the surge of embarrassment he gets from hearing Simon explain it out loud. He knew it was weird, that it was a very detailed and intricate fantasy and nothing at all like the hard BDSM you see glimpses of, which aren’t even super accurate anyways but that’s besides the point. 

"Did you write this?" Simon asks. 

Kieren scoffs, the sound catching in his throat. "No," he says while his voice cracks, clearing his throat before continuing. "No, it's something I found. I'm not as good with words as I am with paints." 

"It's nice, I like it," Simon said as he moved onto the next page. 

"Really?" Kieren asks, trying to hold back the eagerness that wanted to spill out of him. Just because Simon liked it doesn't mean he was interested in really doing it in person. 

"Yeah," he replied. There was a long moment of silence between the two of them as Simon read. Kieren was picking at the denim of his jeans where they'd ripped a little. He wasn't sure what to say to fill the quiet while Simon was reading. Should he ask him what things he found interesting? If there was anything that Simon liked instead of just indulging Kieren? He shivers at the thought, desperately wanting to know and being terrified to hear. 

"So," Simon says suddenly as he nears the ending of the story, pulling Kieren back out of his head. "Which role do you want to be?" 

The question is heavy and hangs in the air between them. Kieren opens his mouth then closes it, wishing he could wrap the blankets around himself and wait for Simon to leave. Simon's looking at him with curious eyes, but Kieren knows that he knows what Kieren's going to say. 

"I-" he tries to start before chickening out. He whines as he covers his face and buries himself back into his knees. He never expected to be this humiliated talking about this. He never really thought about just how weird so many things in the binder were. Not necessarily complicated or dangerous or anything wild, most of it was rather tame in terms of actual acts. That's what makes it more embarrassing, how mild this is and yet how much it effects him feels out of proportion. 

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me," Simon says, and Kieren groans again. That's a fucking lie and Simon knows it. This is part of the game he plays to get Kieren to talk about something because he knows just how spite and resistance driven he was. He wishes Simon wouldn't make himself admit things to him like that, wishes instead that Simon forced it out of him. If Simon was making him say it instead of giving him any out, then he could put the blame on him. Instead he has to not only answer him, but expose himself for wanting to actually tell him. 

"The prince," Kieren mumbles against his legs. It's hardly audible. 

"What was that?" 

"The prince," Kieren says again, forcing his voice to come out above a whisper. He's shaking with the tension in his body and he waits for Simon to laugh or to be disappointed because he wanted to be the prince instead or-

"I thought so," Simon says and Kieren hears the sound of the binder closing. 

"What the hell does that mean?" Kieren snaps out, raising his eyes enough to glare at Simon. He's not angry with him, just embarrassed and scared but also he could strangle him if he wanted. 

Simon laughed softly as he set the binder down at the foot of the bed, moving closer to Kieren. "Just the way it's written from that point of view, I figured you'd be imagining yourself in that position." 

Kieren let out a huff and looked away from him, staring at his easel across the room. Just because Simon was right didn't mean he had to say so. 

"Am I wrong?" He asked, reaching to run a hand through Kierens hair, trying to get him to look at him. 

“No,” Kieren spat back, even as he leaned into Simon’s touch. He feels like a trapped animal but he also knows that he’s the one who trapped himself, and that he wanted this. It’s a weird mixture of relief and frustration and wanting to spill himself open but also being terrified of uttering even one more word. 

Simon laughs softly at Kieren’s attitude, knowing that he wasn’t actually pissed off at him. He moved up the bed so he could sit next to Kieren in a way that would let him wrap his arm around his tight shoulders and pull him against himself. “Do you want to talk about it more?”

Kieren groans even as he falls against Simon’s side. He rubs a hand over his face, scrubbing away the mental blush that he feels like Simon could see even without the blood under his skin. He wants to but the idea is mortifying. 

“Do you want to do scenes or something?” Simon asks, running his fingers through Kieren’s hair and smiling when he whines while nodding under Simon’s touch. “What kind of scenes do you want to do? Do you want to recreate the story or do other things?” Simon purses his lips together as he thinks through things. 

“Oh my god,” Kieren mumbles into the palms of his hands, too embarrassed to move away even as Simon squeezes him closer. 

Simon laughs again and kisses the top of his head to let Kieren know he was just teasing him. “Do you like that?” Kieren nods against him. “What else do you want to do? Do you want to, hm, add things to make it more immersive? I’m not really sure how role playing really works, but it sounds fun. Could we get, what would you call it, costumes? Outfits to wear while-”

“Shut up shut up shut up ,” Kieren says, uncurling himself and quickly covering Simon’s mouth. He can not listen to Simon talk about this anymore or he’ll combust. He’s so flustered and he’s so grateful that he’s undead so that Simon can’t see how red his entire face would be otherwise. 

Simon laughs and grabs his wrist, pulling his hand away just enough to be able to press small kisses to the tip of each of his fingers, mimicking a scene from the story and sending Kieren’s head spinning. “Is that right? Do I have the right idea about this?” 

“Stooop,” Kieren whines even as he smiles, the anxiety of rejection faded but the embarrassment stronger than ever. He can’t believe that Simon is actually joking about his fantasies like this. He’s so flustered and he still wishes he could just drop through the floor and the idea of Simon even considering doing that for him is exciting and terrifying and oh God Kieren is so turned on. 

Simon grins and wraps his arms around his waist, pulling Kieren on top of himself as he leans back against the pillows. He presses kisses all over the top of Kieren’s head and anywhere on his face that he can. “Yeah, Kieren? You want me to stop, your highness? ” 

Kieren can’t stand it anymore and he grabs Simon’s face, dragging them into a kiss with a low moan. He grabs fistfuls of Simon’s hair as he kisses him hard, grinding himself against Simon’s leg and shaking. 

Simon laughs into the kiss even as Kieren bites down on his lip and gets a moan out of him. He runs his hands down Kieren’s back and pushes them into the back pockets of his jeans to drag him closer. He rolls back against him, turned on himself by how intimate it is to have Kieren sharing his kinks with him. 

They grind against each other like that, sensitive mouths moving against each other hastily, tongues lapping into each other’s mouth and teeth clacking together. Simon breaks it after several minutes, kissing along Kieren’s face to press a kiss to his ear as he whispers. “Am I making you feel good, sir?”

Kieren takes in a shuddering breath and whines loudly, burying his face into Simon’s chest as he’s hit by his orgasm, desperately humping against Simon’s leg through it. He moans shakily as he relaxes, trembling and twitching slightly as he nuzzles into Simon’s neck. “Oh fuck you. ” 

Simon laughs and kisses his temple, running his fingers through Kieren’s messy hair. “Was that...good?” Simon asks, curious and hesitant all at once. 

“Uh huh,” Kieren mumbled against him, still unbearably embarrassed by everything. “That was, that was nice.”

“Do you...want to talk about doing it again?” Simon says, fingers strumming against Kieren’s neck. 

“Yeah,” Kieren said softly, squeezing Simon tightly with embarrassment. He’s coming down from his orgasm and is getting hit with what they just did. He can’t believe he got so turned on just by talking about this. “Just...not right now, I need to calm down a little.” 

Simon nodded against him, kissing his forehead gently. “Okay.” He lays there with Kieren on top of him, stroking his fingers through his hair and down his back until he realizes Kieren’s fallen asleep. He looks down at him and smiles tenderly before looking towards the binder on the bed. It’s an awkward and slow movement trying to get it, using one of his knees to push it in reach of his hand without disturbing Kieren too much. Eventually he gets it within arms reach and pulls it close. He opened it to the first page and propped it up awkwardly, balancing one edge of the book against Kieren’s arm and the other in his free hand as he starts reading.