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I Want You to Know

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“We Will Be”

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Doctor’s Office Waiting Room - Wednesday Afternoon

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Amanda glanced down at the time on her cell. She sighed, knowing she’d be called in any second, yet Sonny was nowhere in sight. But just when she started to give up hope that he’d actually show up, she finally saw him enter through the front door and head over to where she was waiting.

“Sorry I’m late.” He said as he sat down in the empty chair beside her. “My meetin’ with Stabler and Bell ran longer than anticipated.”

Amanda gave him a sad, small smile. “It’s ok. I’m just glad you’re here. It means a lot to me.”

Sonny nodded his head slowly.

The two sat together quietly for a few more minutes before Amanda was finally called and the couple was brought into an examination room.

A short while after she had her vital’s checked, her doctor emerged to start the appointment and after a brief exchange of ‘hi’ and ‘how are you’ between the three, Amanda laid down on the examination table and made a point to tell her OB, “I just want to find out how far along I am and…if the pregnancy is viable. I—I don’t want to…see or…hear anything.”

Her doctor nodded her head and got the ultrasound started.

Sonny took Amanda’s hand into his own and held onto it the entire time and the two tried hard to keep their eyes focused on each other and away from the monitor, which the doctor had angled mostly toward herself.

After what felt like a long time Amanda’s doctor finally spoke. “So it looks like you’re seven weeks and that everything is on track and where it should be.”

As the doctor reached to adjust the monitor, she inadvertently turned the sound on and when she did the baby’s heartbeat came blaring through.

“My apologies.” She said as she hastily sought to shut it off, but Amanda put her hand up and stopped her.

Sonny listened closely and fixated his gaze on Amanda, who he could see was listening very intently herself.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“You ok?” Sonny asked as they made their way out of the office and he walked Amanda toward her car.

Amanda thought for a moment before responding. “I don’t know.” She answered honestly.

He pressed his lips together and nodded slowly.

The two continued along the rest of the way together in silence, as they both pondered next steps in their heads. Sonny could sense Amanda, who had been much more sure of what she wanted just the day before, seemed a bit more unsure now. Still, he didn’t think it was enough to cause her do a complete 180 either.

The one thing they both did learn today was that they still had some time to figure it all out. But nevertheless, the clock was ticking.

*********************.

Three Weeks Later

Sonny and Amanda’s Apartment - Friday Night

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Amanda and Sonny spent little time over the next couple weeks discussing the baby. Not so much because they were trying to avoid it and act like the whole situation didn’t exist, but more so because Sonny, and Amanda herself though to a lesser extent, had been swamped by work and hadn’t spent much time together aside from moments at the precinct or court. More times than she would’ve liked, Sienna had been the one tucking the girls into bed at night. And while things went in waves for Amanda and her work had started slowing down a bit, Sonny stayed consistently busy. Much to the dismay of both the girls, but Jesse especially.

“Goodnight Billie.” Amanda said to her middle daughter as she kissed her on the cheek and tucked her in tight, the way she liked, into her bed.

She yawned. “Night.” Billie then turned to her side and shut her eyes.

Amanda then turned her attention to a sleepy Jesse.

“Is Sonny still not home yet?”

“Not yet.” Amanda said as she gently sat down on Jesse’s bed.

Jesse sighed as she pulled her covers up. “How come he’s never here?” She asked sadly.

Amanda bit her lip as she contemplated how she wanted to answer her oldest daughter. “Jess, Sonny’s been working as the lawyer for my unit and he’s now also working as the lawyer for another. And the other unit is very busy and he sometimes has to work longer and more unpredictable hours for them. So unfortunately that means more time away than what we’re all used to.”

“But why is he working more?” A confused Jesse asked.

Amanda ran a hand through her messy blonde hair. “It’s…complicated Jess. He just…is right now.”

Jesse’s eyes started to flutter. “Well I wish he wasn’t. I feel like I never see him and we never do fun things together anymore.”

“I know.” Amanda said to her quietly.

“I’m going to go to sleep now.” Jesse told her mother as she yawned. “Goodnight.” She then flipped onto her stomach.

“Goodnight.” Amanda said as she brushed the wild hair from Jesse’s cheek and kissed her goodnight.

Amanda then stood up, turned off the lights and exited her daughters’ bedroom, shutting the door behind her.

About 30 minutes later, Sonny quietly entered the apartment where he saw Amanda lying on the couch watching TV, seemingly waiting for him.

“Hey.” She said as sat up, picked up the remote and lowered the volume down a little.

“Hey.” Sonny said as he locked the door and took his shoes off. “Are…”

He let his voice trail off and frowned when his eyes stumbled upon a petition lying on the kitchen counter near him. He picked it up and briefly looked it over. “Al’s tryin’ to lower the amount of child support he gives you for Billie?”

Amanda sighed. Yup.”

“You get a chance to talk to Langan about it yet?”

“He said he’s going to try to fight it, but that it’s been a while since the agreement was looked at it and Al’s making less than what he was when it was first put together and that it’ll probably go in his favor and be lowered.”

“Of course it will.” Sonny said as he rolled his eyes, set his keys down and removed his coat. “Girls’ asleep?”

Amanda nodded.

Sonny sighed. “I really thought I was gonna make it back in time to say goodnight and help put them to bed.”

Just then, Ariana began crying from her nursery. Amanda started to get up, but Sonny motioned for her to stay. “Let me check on her.”

He headed off to go see what she needed. It turned out she had just wanted her pacifier, which had fallen to the floor. Sonny brought Ari into the kitchen, washed off her pacifier at the sink with his free hand and gave it back to her. She settled into his arms, closed her eyes and instantly fell right back to sleep.

Sonny stared at her long and hard, before finally saying to Amanda, “Her hair used to be so brown. But lately it’s lookin’ more blonde. I think it’ll end up turnin’ just as blonde as Jesse and Billie’s eventually.”

He paused for a moment before continuing. “I also used to think Ari was your doppelgänger, but when I really look at her now I’m starting to see myself in her more. It’s crazy how fast she’s changing.”

Amanda nodded her head slowly. “Babies change and grow fast. Jess and Billie are too. And if we don't stop and look around once in a while, we could miss it. They won’t be 6 months, 4 and 7 forever.”

Sonny took in a deep breath and exhaled. He then slowly headed back to Ariana’s room, laid her back down in her crib, returned to the living room and sat down next to his wife.

“Jesse was asking for you again tonight.” She told him. “She misses you and doesn’t understand why you’re working so much.”

He sighed. “I really didn’t think it was gonna be this bad. But you were right.”

Sonny sunk deeper into the couch. “There’s always somethin’ pressin’ coming up with organized crime and it’s always so last minute. The arraignments, plea bargains, warrants, meetings, prison interviews upstate, constantly drafting Queen for the Day and other agreements, putting together that Grand Jury last week. All in conjunction with everythin’ I’ve been doin’ for SVU. Its…a lot and it’s been keepin’ me away from you and the kids too much. The double duty just isn’t workin’ out like I hoped it would.”

“I know.” Amanda said to him sympathetically.

“I’m gonna tell Hadid I’m done. I’m not gonna do it anymore.”

Amanda nodded her head slowly and the room filled up with silence as they let their minds drift. The wall clock in the kitchen, usually inaudible throughout much of the day with the girls running around, could be heard and heard loudly. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

The two both looked at the clock and then at each other.

“I don’t wanna sit on the baby situation any longer.” Amanda finally said to him. “A decision’s gotta be made.”

Sonny rubbed his temples and nodded. “I know.”

“I’m tired. You look tired. So I don’t think tonight is the night to do it. But let’s sit down this Sunday and figure it all out, ok?”

“Ok.” He said to her quietly.

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Sonny and Amanda’s Apartment - 6a Sunday Morning

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Sonny was startled awake from a deep sleep when he suddenly felt Amanda pop up beside him in bed. He turned to look at her and saw her wince in pain.

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he gently set his hands on her shoulders and rubbed them.

“I’m cramping.” Amanda said to him as she placed her hands on the lower portion of her stomach. She cringed a bit. “I’m…gonna go to the bathroom.”

She slowly pulled the covers off herself, got out of bed and exited the room.

Sonny furrowed his brows and sighed. He began to ponder if what he thought might be happening, was actually happening. But he didn’t have much time to think about it before his thoughts were interrupted by Amanda calling out to him.

He instantly popped out of bed and ran into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, and headed over to Amanda, who was sitting on the toilet and appeared to be in a lot of pain.

A concerned looking Sonny knelt down next to her and gently ran his hand up and down her back.

She closed her eyes and said to him, “I’m bleeding…a lot.”

Sonny nodded his head slowly. “Let’s get you to a doctor.”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Despite it being early, Sonny had been able to get a hold of Sienna, who came right over and stayed with the girls while he brought Amanda to the hospital.

They returned to an empty apartment a short while later, Sienna having taken the kids out in an effort to give the couple some alone time.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Sonny asked Amanda as she slowly sat and settled down on the living room sofa. “Or coffee?”

“I’ll have some coffee.” She said as she ran a hand through her hair.

Sonny nodded, quickly fixed her cup on the Keirug, brought it over to her and took a seat next to her.

“How are you feelin’?” He asked as he rubbed his hand up and down her thigh.

She took a sip of her coffee and then set the mug down on the coffee table in front of her. “I’m still cramping a bit, but it’s not that bad.”

“What about here?” He asked, pointing to his head, curious as to how she felt mentally.

Amanda sighed and sniffled. “There’s a part of me that’s a little sad about the miscarriage.” She admitted to him. “But honestly, I mostly feel…relieved.”

She paused for a minute before continuing.

“I’m not gonna lie to you. When I heard the baby’s heartbeat at the ultrasound, it…got to me a little. And there were a couple of times where I did wonder, ‘what if.’ But, once some time had passed I had realized I was sure having a fourth baby wasn’t right for our family. Especially now that we see the double duty workload you were undertaking that may have eased some of the financial strain we would’ve been under wasn’t working. All it did was make you tired and keep you from me and the girls. Who are only little girls once and who we need to be present for.”

Sonny nodded his head slowly. “I know. I had been fightin’ so hard to try to prove to you and myself that we could afford to have this baby without really thinking about the other factors involved in the situation. Like how the extra work was taking me away from Jesse, Billie and Ari and how that absence affects them.”

He paused for a minute before continuing. “There was an incident with one of the members of the Grand Jury last week. She was a type one diabetic and had a hypoglycemic episode. It reminded me of everythin’ you went through with your gestational diabetes during your pregnancy with Ariana. That, along with the placenta previa…the intermittent bleeding it caused and the bed rest you had to be put on. How rough and dangerous it all was on you. And how you would’ve probably had to go through both things again.”

Sonny took in a deep breath and added, “You brought two precious little girls into my life and then went through a whole heck of a lot to give me another that you and I created together. I’m so very, very grateful for and happy with the children we have. I never had the desire to try for a second biological child. I think I had been so adamant about going forward with this pregnancy more out of an obligation; because I felt like it was the ‘right’ thing to do. Not because it was somethin’ I truly wanted. I mean, you were on birth control for a reason. Because this was somethin’ we hoped wouldn’t come up.”

“You thought it would make you a bad person if we didn’t go through with it?” Amanda asked curiously.

He nodded. “But I’m realizing that doing somethin’ I wasn’t really happy about…that wasn’t in the rest of my family’s best interest and was done solely out of a sense of duty doesn’t really make me a good person, either.”

Sonny took in another deep breath and continued on once more. “I feel the exact same way about this as you do. A little sad because a miscarriage…it’s a sad thing. But at the same time I do feel a sense of relief.”

Amanda nodded her head slowly. “The universe ended up making the decision for us, but if it hadn’t I still think I would have gone through with the abortion.”

“And I know I said I never would’ve been ok with it, but…I think I would’ve been.” Sonny told her honestly.

He pulled Amanda in close to him and the two sat together quietly for a long while before Amanda said to him, “God, I never want to go through something like this again.”

“You won’t, we won’t.” Sonny said as he gently stroked her hair. “I decided a little while back that, no matter what way we ended up goin’ here, I’d get a vasectomy to make sure we never find ourselves in a similar situation again in the future. I’m gonna look into setting that up as soon as I can.”

Amanda rested her head on his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“Yes.” He said reassuring her.

“We’re going to be okay, right?” She asked. “All of us. You, me…the girls?”

Sonny caressed her cheek and kissed her. “We will be.”

Just then the front door opened up and Sienna, along with Jesse, Billie and Ari, emerged. Jesse and Billie quickly ran over to Amanda while Sonny got up from the couch and took the baby from Sienna.

“They were anxious to get home.” She said to him. “I hope it’s ok I brought them back a little earlier than anticipated.”

He took shook his head. “No it’s fine. Thank you for helpin’ out today so last minute. We really appreciate it.”

Sienna nodded, gave him a small smile and then quickly exited the apartment.

“Are you ok mom?” Jesse, who knew she had gone to the hospital though not the reason why, asked as she and Billie sat down on the couch next to Amanda and Sonny walked back over to them and handed his wife a wiggly Ariana, who was reaching for her.

“Gettin’ there.” Amanda said to the girls as she held Ari close to her chest and rocked her gently. “Having you all here with me helps a lot.”

Sonny picked Billie up, sat back down on the couch and gently set her down on his lap. “I think we should all take it easy today, girls. No outside distractions. Just us five spending some quiet time together. Just family.”

“I like the sound of that.” Billie said smiling up at him and then resting her head on his chest.

“Me too.” Jesse said grinning.

“Me three.” Amanda replied, giving him a small smile.

Ariana then made a short, gleeful shriek noise and Jesse commented, “I think that’s baby talk for ‘me four.’” She said giggling.

“I think you’re right.” Amanda said as she pulled her oldest daughter in for a hug.

Jesse and Billie then started chatting away, loving that they finally had this opportunity to spend some much desired quality time together with their parents. And for the first time in a long while they all sat with each other, enjoying one another’s company and being together as a family.