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I Want You to Know

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“He About to Lose Me”

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July

Three Weeks Later

Amanda and Sonny’s Apartment - Friday Morning

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“What’s all this?” A solemn looking Sonny asked as Amanda pushed his wheelchair into the living room, which had been decorated with a homemade banner, balloons and streamers.

“Jesse and Billie wanted to welcome you back home from the hospital. They made everything last night and we hung it up this morning before I brought them to camp.” Amanda said as she closed and locked the apartment door behind her.

“Jesse made you a card too.” She picked it up from off the kitchen counter and handed it to him.

Sonny furrowed his brows as he read the card and then handed it back to her. “Is your mom still going to take them?”

Amanda sighed. “She could for a few days I guess. But Sonny, the girls haven’t seen you in weeks because they wouldn’t allow kids into the rehabilitation center and both of them really, really miss you.”

“Well I don’t want them seein’ me like this.” He told her very seriously.

Amanda sighed again. “You can’t hide from them forever. Besides, this”—she then gestured toward his chair—“isn’t forever.”

Sonny rolled his eyes. “So you and the doctors keep tellin’ me.” He snapped back at her.

Amanda ran a hand through her hair. “Sonny, you had an incomplete spinal cord injury. Your paralysis is serious, but doesn’t have to be permanent. You CAN and WILL regain the ability to walk again. It’s just going to take time and effort.”

The room filled with a long uncomfortable silence and Amanda did her best to try and ease the tension. “Are you thirsty? Do you want some juice?”

He remained quiet, but nodded.

Amanda headed into the nearby adjacent kitchen, grabbed some orange juice from the fridge, a glass from one of the cabinets and poured him some. She then walked back over to him and handed him the glass.

“Are you going to be ok for a bit?” She asked biting her lip. “I was hoping to take a quick shower.”

He nodded his head slowly but stayed silent. Amanda stood for a moment contemplating whether or not she should leave him alone, but ultimately decided to let him be for a while and take her shower. She quickly made her way out of the living room and headed into the bathroom.

Sonny sat quietly in his chair drinking his juice. After a few sips he set it down on the coffee table. Wanting to turn the TV on he began looking around for the clicker, which he eventually noticed was placed on a high shelf above the television set.

He grumbled as he wheeled himself over to the shelf. Despite having long arms he was unable to reach it sitting down. Sonny attempted to slowly stand up, but as he tried to his legs gave out and he fell out of his wheelchair and face planted onto the hardwood floor.

The commotion scared Amanda, who immediately jumped out of the shower, wrapped herself up in a towel and hurried back into the living room, where she saw him struggling to muscle himself back up into his wheelchair using his arms. She tried to help him, but he pulled away from her and as he did inadvertently yanked the towel she had tied up around her off.

Amanda sighed as she went to reach for the towel to put it back on, but Sonny stopped her. He somehow quickly managed to get back into his chair by himself and then immediately fixated his gaze on her naked, petite frame and scanned her up and down slowly. To someone unfamiliar with her body, they probably wouldn’t have noticed anything odd, but Sonny, who knew it intimately and better than anyone other than Amanda, could pick up even the most subtle of changes and new instantly something was different.

Sonny’s mouth opened wide in astonishment. “Are you pregnant?”

Amanda said nothing as she draped the towel back around her, but nodded.

“How far along?”

“3 months.” She whispered out to him.

Sonny’s eyes grew big. “You’re going to have a baby in SIX months?! When exactly were you plannin’ on telling me this?!”

Amanda closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “I’ve wanted to for a while. But the timing hasn’t been right. For obvious reasons.”

“Was this my surprise?” He wondered out loud to her curiously.

“Yes.” She said to him quietly.

“You were right.” Sonny said as his hardened tone saddened and he started growing teary eyed. “Having a child IS somethin’ I’ve always wanted. Then this happens. How am I supposed to be the kinda dad a baby and the girls need stuck like this?”

Amanda blinked back her own tears and attempted to wrap her arms around Sonny in an effort to comfort him, but he gently removed her hands from off him.

“I just want to be left alone.” He whispered to her. A concerned looking Amanda watched as he then slowly wheeled himself into their bedroom.

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Four Weeks Later

Early August

Precinct - Wednesday Morning

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“Have a seat.” Liv said to Amanda as she closed her office door and sat at her desk.

Amanda plopped down in the chair across from her Captain.

Liv took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Amanda, I know you and Velasco but heads from time to time, but you’ve really been snapping at him a lot lately. Fin too.”

Amanda sighed as she ran a hand through her blonde locks. “I guess he’s starting to rub off on me.”

“Carisi?” Liv asked, somewhat rhetorically already knowing the answering.

Amanda nodded. “I thought the depression would start to subside once he was home and got into a routine. But it hasn’t. Sonny’s just so bitter. All the time. And he hardly ever does his rehab exercises. He was kind of trying for a while and was making a little progress, but then he’d have a tiny setback, which is expected, and he’d want to quit. It’s like one step forward, three giant steps back. I’m trying my best to be as supportive as I can, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m miserable. The girls are miserable. I’m at my breaking point.”

A very concerned looking Liv removed her glasses and placed them down in front of her. “Have you told him how you’re feeling?”

Amanda shook her head no.

Liv pressed her lips together and contemplated her words carefully before continuing. “You need to. I know you probably don’t think your feelings matter as much as his do in this situation. Because this devastating thing that happened, happened to him. But Amanda, it impacts those close to Carisi as well and you have a right to express to him how this is effecting you.”

Amanda sighed, but nodded.

“I know you’re trying to work as much as possible because you took a lot of time off when Carisi first got hurt and now your trying to save the rest of it for when the baby comes, but if you need to take a week or two, let me know. We can work something out.”

The blonde gave her Captain a sad, small smile as she stood up. “Ok.”

Liv nodded and watched as Amanda exited her office and headed back to her desk.

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Amanda and Sonny’s Apartment

Living Room - Wednesday Night

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Liv’s words had been floating around in Amanda’s head all day and she realized her Captain was right and that she needed to talk with Sonny and tell him how she was feeling. So after putting the girls to bed, she decided to have the conversation.

Amanda picked up the remote from the coffee table and turned the television off. “Sonny, I want to talk.”

He picked the remote back up and turned the television back on. “I don’t.”

She grabbed the remote again, clicked the TV back off and this time held on to it. “Well I do.”

“What is there to talk ‘bout?”

She sat down near his chair by the arm of the couch. “A lot. I mean, you do realize our baby is going to be here in a few months, right?”

Sonny furrowed his brows at her. “I’m aware.”

“Are you?” Amanda asked him. “Because the only thing you seem interested in lately is sitting in that chair, sulking all hours of the day, every day.”

He rolled his eyes. “That’s not true.”

“It isn’t?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because I never see you do anything with Jesse and Billie anymore. When was the last time you read the girls a bedtime story? Helped Jesse with her spelling? Did a puzzle with Billie? All things you used to do and could still be doing with or without the use of your legs.”

Sonny sighed, but remained quiet.

“And then you and I? I feel more like your servant and a roommate, not your soon to be wife. I can’t remember the last time you kissed or touched me. The only thing you’re focused on is being pissed off at the world.”

“I kinda have a right to be pissed off, don’t you think?” He asked her sincerely.

Amanda nodded her head slowly. “You do Sonny. What happened to you isn’t fair. But you can’t wallow in your grief forever. Eventually you have to start trying to move forward with your life. You sitting here with a scowl on your face isn’t going to get you out of that chair. The only thing it’s doing is pushing everyone who loves and cares about you away and making them feel just as angry and miserable as you are. The girls…they’re unhappy. So am I. And I’m not going to keep us in this environment nor will I bring our baby into it.”

Sonny looked at her very seriously and asked, “What are you saying?”

Amanda sighed. “I’m saying that if something doesn’t change, I’m done. I spent many years raising the girls on my own and I’ll do it again, along with this new baby, if need be. Because as tough as that’d be, the four of us would be a whole lot better off alone than than we would be if we had to deal with this for the rest of our lives.”

“You’d really leave? Sonny asked her, as tears started streaming down his face. “And keep the kids away from me?”

“It’s the last thing I want to do, Dominick. But you’re not leaving me with any other option.” She said to him.

She stood up slowly from the couch.

“Liv she…offered to give me a little time off and I think I’m going to take her up on it. I’m gonna bring the girls upstate and we’ll stay with my mom for a little bit. I’ll let your parents and Bella know so they are aware they’ll need to be around more.”

“I promise I’ll be better.” He pleaded with her. “I’ll do whatever it takes. Just don’t leave me. Please.”

“I want to believe you, but your words…the tears…they’re not enough. I need action. If you can’t find a way to fix this”—she gestured toward her heart—“and this”—she pointed to her head—“then this”—she gestured between them—“can’t continue.”

The couple stared at each other quietly for a long while before Amanda finally broke the silence. “I need to get to bed. It’s late and I need to pack me and the girls up and get on the road early tomorrow.”

Sonny watched as she slowly made her way into their bedroom and closed the door. He wiped his eyes and sat silently, deep in thought.