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I Want You to Know

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Amanda’s Apartment - 4p

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When Sonny returned from his parents home, Amanda immediately began filling him in on what had transpired at the precinct between her and Liv.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so mad and, even worse, disappointed in me.” Amanda said as she closed her eyes and sunk deeper into the living room couch.

Sonny sighed, but remained quiet and rubbed his hand up and down her thigh in an effort to comfort her.

“I’m not even sure what happens next.” She said as she opened her eyes and ran a hand through her blonde locks. “I’m guessing I’ll be hearing from her or someone from IAB before the night is over. I mean, I get she’s gonna have to call them.”

Sonny nodded. “Yeah, there’s no way around it.”

“So do you think I’ll be chewed out, suspended, demoted, transferred, or fired?” A deflated looking Amanda asked.

He sighed again. “At this point, it’s out of our hands. All we can do is speak honestly when spoken to on the topic and wait to see where the chips fall. I think we need to try not to think about it and instead focus on somethin’ positive. Like the baby.”

Amanda murmured. “We’re probably the only ones in this world who think it is.”

Sonny frowned and fixed his mouth to respond, but she continued on.

“A couple of Sundays ago, when you were helping Mia move, I took the girls to the library since it was rainy and there wasn’t much else to do. Anyways, when we were there one of the teen services librarians was doing a special program on ‘The Scarlet Letter.’ I remembered reading it in school. It was about an adulterer who had a baby outside of her marriage. She refused to name the father and was forced to wear a scarlet letter A on her chest as a symbol of her shame and sin. And her daughter was viewed by the town as another symbol of her sin.”

Sonny furrowed his brows. “What are you gettin’ at with this?” He asked, though he already had a slight inkling.

“If we had disclosed our relationship at the on-set and found out I was pregnant, people would’ve been happy for us. But because of what it’s all tied to, no one is looking at it as this wonderful thing. Liv’s mind, as I’m sure Hadid’s and everyone else you had to speak with today and told about the relationship and pregnancy, instantly went to the implications of our actions and I’ve started to wonder if its all that’s ever gonna matter to people. If because of the circumstances in which our baby was conceived under, he or she is only going to be looked at by most as a symbol and proof of our missteps. Even if we manage to come out of this relatively unscathed, will we always be seen as those two, who did that thing and then went and had ‘this’ baby?”

Sonny sat quietly for a long time and after a while he attempted to find his words, but struggled, “But I…our baby…”

Amanda had hoped that by revealing her fears to Sonny he might be able to assuage them like he so often did, but it seemed as though this time he was unsure how to confront her. She thought maybe it was because while he hadn’t considered all the worries she brought up until that very moment, now that he had, he was unable to shake them himself. However, Amanda wasn’t left much time to ponder when she was hit by a shocking question from someone neither her or Sonny realized had entered into the room.

“You’re going to have a baby?”

Amanda and Sonny’s eyes grew large as they turned their heads and saw Jesse, who had been doing homework in her room while Billie napped, emerge from behind the living room sofa and stood standing before them.

“I heard Uncle Sonny say our baby.” The little blonde said very seriously looking up at her mother. “Are you having one?”

Amanda exchanged a glance with Sonny, who mouthed to her ‘we might as well tell her.’

Amanda took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly before responding. “Yeah Jess. We are going to have a baby.”

Upon hearing her mother’s confirmation, Jesse’s serious demeanor immediately softened and a grin spread across her face. She climbed up on the couch in between the two, gave her mother a big hug and then one to Sonny.

“Is it going to be a boy or a girl?!” She asked giddily. “I hope it’s a girl. I want a baby sister.”

Neither Amanda nor Sonny had anticipated Jesse to be this enthusiastic about the prospect of a new sibling, but found her reaction to be very comforting and needed in that moment.

“We aren’t sure.” Amanda said as she smiled down at her daughter and tucked a loose strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. “It’s still too early to tell just yet.”

“Is that why you don’t look like your having one?” Jesse asked as she looked at her mother’s stomach. “Because Cassie’s mom is going to have a baby and she has a really big belly.” She stated very matter of factly as she extended her little arms out wide in front of her.

Both Sonny and Amanda laughed.

“So will I eventually.” Amanda said to her. “Sooner than you think.”

Jesse turned her attention to Sonny. “Does this mean you’re going to live with us all the time now?” She asked, hopefully. “Because I really wish you did.”

“So do I.” He told her. “I love waking up to you, your mom and sister and I wish I could do it everyday.”

“Then you will!?” Jesse asked excitedly.

“He will.” Amanda responded for him, smiling softly. She then quickly added. “Not sure when, but we’ll figure it out soon. What I do know is the five of us are going to be a family and home will be wherever we can all be together.”

Jesse smiled and nodded. She then sat cuddling with the duo for a little while longer before eventually climbing down. “Can I watch a movie on the iPad?”

“Yes. Just make sure you use your headphones so you don’t wake Billie, ok?” Amanda told her.

Jesse nodded and the couple watched as she quietly made her way back into her bedroom and gently closed the door behind her.

Once he was fairly confident that Jesse was set up and occupied in her room, Sonny, who had been at a loss for words before the little girl’s appearance, seemed to have regained his footing.

“You know what, Manda?” He said very seriously as he moved in closer to her on the sofa. “Jesse, she cares and is happy we’re havin’ a baby together. Like I’m sure your mom is. And my parents, who like myself, didn’t really see this in my future. And while the context in which the pregnancy came about is present in theirs and others minds, because you can’t completely disassociate the two, the ones who matter will care about the baby and not focus solely on the rest. It might take some of them a minute to show it, but they will. The ones who do fixate on all the other stuff? Don’t matter. And while I don’t think you, me and our child will be water cooler gossip for the rest of our careers, if we are, so be it. People can think what they want. I don’t care. Because to me, the only thing ‘this’ baby is a symbol of, is our love.”

Amanda let the tears that had been welling up in her eyes while he spoke fall down her cheeks as she nodded and gave him a small smile. He wiped them away, pulled her in close to him and held her in his arms.

The two sat together silently for a little while longer when Amanda caught wind of the time on her watch. “I gotta get Billie up or she’s never going to go to bed tonight. We need to figure out what to do for dinner too.”

Sonny nodded. “We should just order somethin.’”

“It’d be the easiest thing to do and baby and I could definitely go for some Thai, but should we really be wasting money on takeout right now?” She asked him.

Sonny shrugged. “Probably not. But tonight, let’s just go for it. If you and the baby want Thai, then that’s what you, me, and Jesse will have.”

He then got up from off the couch, headed toward the kitchen freezer and pulled out an enormous bag of frozen dinosaur chicken nuggets. “And Billie can eat her Dino nuggets.” Sonny then proceeded to preheat the oven and grab a baking pan.

Amanda shook her head and laughed softly. “We gotta get her to start eating more things.”

“I know.” Sonny said as he started placing the frozen pieces onto the pan. “But hey, they’re really cheap and since Billie has successfully been livin’ off these and not much else for the past few months, it’s good to know we could as well if need be and worst came to worst.” He said chuckling.

Amanda playfully rolled her eyes and hit him in the arm. She then headed off to the girls bedroom to awaken her youngest daughter.

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“Girls asleep?” Sonny, who was cleaning up the kitchen, asked as he saw Amanda enter.

“Billie, yes.” Amanda said as she plopped down in a nearby chair at the table. “Jesse not so much, but I’m hoping she’ll fall asleep soon.”

Sonny nodded. “Do you—“

His words were cut off by the ringing of Amanda’s cell phone nearby on the counter. The two glanced over at one another and then immediately shifted their eyes back to her phone.

Amanda took in a deep breath, stood up from her seat, walked over to her phone and answered it.

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One Hour Later

Manhattan Diner - 9p

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Amanda walked into the unusually quiet diner and upon spotting Liv, sitting alone in an empty booth, headed over to her.

She slowly sat down across from her and set her things down to the side.

“Thank you for meeting me.” Liv said to her as she poured some sugar into her coffee. “I know it’s late. Carisi with the girls?”

Amanda nodded. “Yeah.”

Liv picked up her spoon and stirred her cup. “After I sent you home I called IAB and before the other end even started to ring, I hung up.”

Amanda eyed her a bit curiously, slightly surprised by her admission.

The Captain set her spoon down and locked eyes with the blonde. Her eyes started to soften and so did her voice. “I do need to call them about all this. And I will. Tomorrow morning. But I wanted to sit down with you first and talk this through. Because what happened earlier wasn’t that. It was me reacting. In the heat of the moment. I did a lot of talking before. Now I’m ready to listen. Can you tell me how we got here? How you two got here?”

Amanda sighed and nodded.