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I Want You to Know

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Sonny’s Office - Tuesday 1p

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“Come in.”

Amanda slowly opened his office door and quietly closed it behind her as she entered. “I know I probably shouldn’t be here right now, but you hadn’t responded to my texts and…”

She let her voice trail off and her eyes widened when she saw Sonny packing things up into a box. Amanda fixed her mouth to speak, but he waved her off.

“I didn’t get fired.” Sonny told her as he rummaged though one of his desk drawers. “Not yet anyways.”

“What happened?” She asked biting her lip.

Sonny sighed. “Sat down with Hadid and told her about everythin’ first thing this morning. Then she arranged a meeting with the District Attorney. I’m suspended, without pay, pending the results of an investigation by the DA’s office into our relationship and my court cases, startin’ with the Howard plea deal.”

Amanda’s jaw dropped. “Without pay?”

Sonny nodded as he carefully placed a framed photo of him with Jesse and Billie into his box. “Yeah. I’m gonna have to dig into my savings to get by.”

Amanda ran a hand through her hair and took a seat in the chair across from where he stood at his desk. “God, your rent, law school loans, the—“

He shook his head and cut her off. “I’ll be ok. For a little while, anyways. Unless this investigation drags or they do decide to fire me.”

Amanda sighed. “How did Hadid react?”

Sonny rubbed his temples. “Badly. She really laid into me. But…during the sit down with the DA, she went to bat for me.”

“Really?” A surprised looking Amanda asked.

He tossed a small crumbled up piece of paper on his desk into the nearby wastebasket. “I’m guessin’ it’s because though we screwed up with how we went about all this, she knows I’ve always handled work by the book and that when it comes to the job we’ve never displayed any signs of impropriety.”

Amanda nodded and then pointed to the items before her. “If you haven’t been fired, why are you packing your things?”

“I can’t be here after today.” He told her as he taped up the box. “And there’s a couple important things I want with me.”

“I’m surprised they’re letting you go through your stuff like this alone.”

“It’s because DA investigators have already gone through my office.”

Amanda’s eyes widened. “How invasive is this all gonna be?”

Sonny sighed as he sat down in his desk chair. “Very. I’ve disclosed the relationship but at this point my word is worthless. Pretty sure they think we’re only doin’ it now because your pregnant and, they aren’t exactly wrong. Anyways, be ready for them to comb through nearly every aspect of our lives.”

He pressed his lips together and paused for a moment before continuing.

“I wasn’t goin’ to bring this up because I didn’t want to freak you out and I know the truth is somethin’ that can easily be verified, but when the investigators sat me down for an initial interview, I was asked about Billie and whether or not the whole ‘godfather’ thing was a cover for somethin’ else.”

Amanda opened her mouth wide and raised both her eyebrows. “They wanted to know if you could be her biological father?”

Sonny nodded his head slowly. “Considering her age and how close we were prior to when I said our relationship began, yes. A test would show I’m not, but it’s a good example of how deep they’re goin’ to be lookin’ at us. As soon as I got finished with that interview I called my parents and finally told them about everythin’ in case they were contacted.”

Amanda took in a deep breath and exhaled. “How’d that go?”

Sonny ran a hand through his slightly disheveled gray hair. “They’re not happy with me. I mean, they are happy to hear I have someone special in my life and about the baby comin’, yet hate the fact that I’ve potentially jeopardized my job and kept us a secret from them.”

Amanda blinked back some tears that had started to well up in her eyes. “You wanted to disclose right away. To everyone and that’s what we should’ve done. And now on top of everything that we’re dealing with, you’re family is mad at you. This is all my fault.”

Sonny got up from his chair and knelt down beside her. “You didn’t twist my arm. Once you brought it up I thought the idea of keepin’ it between us for a while seemed like a good one too. This falls on me as well.”

He took his thumbs and wiped her tears away. “And they aren’t that upset. It’s nothin’ I can’t smooth over in an in-person conversation. I’m headin’ over to Staten Island to talk with them once I leave here. And you know what? In my brief call with them earlier they reiterated to me several times how they can’t wait to meet both you and the girls and want to as soon as possible. So I’m gonna somethin’ set up with them if it’s ok with you.”

Amanda sniffed, nodded and gave him a small smile.

He returned the smile and stood back up.

It was at that moment Sonny’s mention of the girls triggered a thought that had just hit Amanda. She furrowed her brows, which did not go unnoticed by him. “What is it?”

“The girls.” She began. “Well, Jesse. You don’t think they’d try to question her about us, do you? Because I’m not gonna let them use her to take you down.”

Sonny rubbed the bridge of his nose and sat back down in his chair. “I’m not sure. What I do know is that I won’t let it happen. I’ll resign before lettin’ them rope her up into this.”

Amanda sighed and opened her mouth to speak, but saw he wanted to continue his thoughts so she refrained from commenting and let him continue.

“I don’t know bout’ you, but I did a lot of tossing and turnin’ last night after we went to bed and I came to the conclusion that I’d be OK with movin’ on from here if need be. My dream was to be an attorney and to do good. To help people. I don’t have to be an ADA to do that. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s the best place to be able to do the kind of good I want considerin’ all the red tape and politics—which you’ve always said was never my strong suit—I’m forced to deal with on the daily basis. I see why Kat decided to leave the force more and more each day. Because it’s frustratin’ to have all that lingering over your head and it effectin’ your ability to achieve justice for people in need of it.”

Sonny paused to take a deep breath and then looked directly into Amanda’s eyes, telling her, “You, the girls and the baby mean more to me than all of THIS.” He said as he gestured around the room, in reference to his job. “It’s a little scary to think about, startin’ over, but I’ll do it in a second, if need be.”

“We really could go and start our own agency like we joked about before.” Amanda said as she gave him a small smirk, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

“That we could.” He said as he smiled back.

The two sat together quietly for a bit before Sonny finally broke it.

“I did read your texts. I was plannin’ on calling you as soon as I finished up here. So, McGrath really went out on medical leave? And Liv’s basically been designated acting deputy chief of SVU in the meantime?”

Amanda nodded.

“I do truly hope, that whatever he’s dealin’ with isn’t too serious and that he’s OK.” Sonny said as he loosened up his tie. “That being said, Liv bein’ interim deputy chief is best case scenario for you. But you need to tell her ASAP. You don’t want her hearin’ about this from anyone else.”

Amanda got up from her seat and began pacing around. “I know, but she’s out with Stabler and Bell helping with an organized crime case and I can’t get a hold of her.”

Sonny sighed. “When I read your message saying you hadn’t been able to speak with her, I tried my best to buy you some time. Hadid was able to convince the DA investigators to refrain from reaching out directly to her and/or IAB, so you could inform yourself, but you only have til close of business today.”

Amanda was about to respond but was interrupted by her cell going off. She stopped moving, pulled her phone out of her pocket and looked down at a text from her sergeant. “It’s Fin. He said Liv called and she’s on her way back to the precinct.”

“You should go then.”

The blonde bit her lip and nodded her head slowly, but didn’t go to leave.

Sonny stood up and walked over to her. “Do you want me to do it with you? I can go see my parents afterwards.”

She shook her head no. “You and Liv have gotten a lot closer since your move to the DA’s office and you should definitely have a conversation with her about all this, but I need to do this initial disclosure by myself.”

Amanda paused for a moment, took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “As bad as everything you told me you’re going through is and makes me worried about the work ramifications I’m going to be faced with, at the end of the day, like you said, we can get new jobs and start over. But I might not be able to start over with Liv after this. She’s forgiven me for so much over the years, but this could be what puts the nail in the coffin and ruin our friendship forever.”

Sonny hugged and held her close. “It won’t.” He pulled away a bit, but then rested his forehead on hers and caressed her cheek. “It won’t.”

The two then brought their lips to each other’s for a long, deep kiss, breaking apart only after being startled by the door suddenly swinging open.

“Seriously?!” Hadid admonished as she rolled her eyes at them and made a face.

Sonny rubbed his temples and looked down, while Amanda sighed and turned her head away.

A very annoyed looking Hadid glared at Amanda and gestured toward the door. “Have a good day Detective Rollins.”

The blonde immediately brushed by the bureau chief and out of Sonny’s office, hearing the door loudly slam behind her as she did.

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Precinct

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“Do you think we have enough for a warrant?” Velasco asked.

Fin slowly nodded his head and handed the younger male detective the file he had been looking over. “Yeah, call the counselor.”

Velasco nodded as he headed back to his desk, picked up his phone and started dialing.

Just then, Amanda entered into the squad room. She immediately looked to see if Liv had gotten in yet, but she hadn’t so she made her way back to her desk and plopped down.

“That was a long lunch, Amanda.” Her sergeant told her as he sifted through some paperwork on his desk. “But I won’t say anything to Liv about it.”

With an extended lunch break the least of her concerns, Amanda didn’t bother responding and instead turned her computer on and attempted to act like she was trying to get some work done.

“Can Carisi get us the warrant?” Fin asked Velasco as he saw him end his phone call.

Velasco ran a hand through his hair. “Apparently he’s been suspended.”

“Suspended?” Fin asked, raising an eyebrow. “For what?”

Velasco shrugged. “My call to him got redirected to another counselor…Shiobhan McGeary from Corporation Counsel? She told me he was suspended until further notice and she’d be handling all SVU related requests in the meantime. She didn’t say why or what happened. Just that she’d be the one working on getting us the warrant and would get back to me.”

Fin quickly turned his attention to the unusually quiet blonde detective. “Amanda, what’s going on?”

“How would she know?” Velasco asked, who, still being new, was oblivious to the close dynamic between the two that Fin knew all too well.

Before Fin could respond, Liv finally entered into the squad room.

“God, what a day I’ve had.” She said shaking her head.

“It’s about to get worst.” Her sergeant told her. “Carisi’s been suspended from the DA’s office.”

A stunned Liv raised her eyebrows at him. “What? Why?” She then turned her attention to the blonde. “Do you know what happened?”

Amanda took in a deep breath, stood up and breathed out slowly. “Can we talk privately please?”

Liv eyed her curiously for a few moments, before finally nodding and motioning for her to follow her into her office.

Both women entered into the room. Amanda then closed Liv’s office door behind them and then took the seat across from her Captain’s desk.

“You know what’s going on with Carisi don’t you?”

Amanda nodded slowly. “I do, but there’s something about me I want you to know. That I need to tell you.”

Liv ran a hand through her wavy brown hair. “Ok.”

Amanda remained quiet for a long while as she worked to build up her courage and find her words before finally speaking. “I’m…I’m pregnant.”

Liv’s eyes grew large in surprise. It was the last thing she thought was going to come out of her mouth.

The Captain nodded slowly. “Ok I—“

“The baby is Carisi’s.” She interrupted through a whisper.

Liv’s jaw dropped in shock. “You and…Carisi? W—was this a…one time thing or…” she let her voice trail off when she noticed Amanda shaking her head no.

“We’ve been in a serious relationship since Memorial Day.”

“Wow.” Liv muttered to herself as she stood up and started pacing around the room. She remained quiet for a few moments as her mind went to work and began connecting dots. She then resumed speaking.

“So for almost five months? During the Howard case, the ice cream truck rapist and Wheelhouse trials and all the countless other cases we worked that followed? Most in which you were an integral part of the investigation? Some in which Carisi put you on the stand to testify? And now there are convictions that were secured that’ll have grounds for an appeal and could be overturned.”

She stopped pacing and stood directly in front of the detective, staring deeply into her eyes. “What were you two thinking?! Were you EVER going to disclose this relationship?! Are you only doing it now because your pregnant?!”

Despite all the questions Liv threw at Amanda, she wasn’t looking for her to answer any of them. At least not in that moment. She instead reached her hand out, palm up, toward her.

Amanda stood up, blinked back her tears and handed Liv her gun and badge.

“Go home.” She told her detective as she set the items down on her desk and sat back in her chair.

Amanda nodded and walked out of the office. When she emerged into the main squad room she could feel Fin and Velasco’s eyes on her, but she kept her head down, quickly gathered her belongings from her desk and left the precinct.

Liv sighed as she removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes. She then directed her attention to her work phone, staring at it for a long while before eventually picking it up, hitting the IAB preset and bringing the phone to her ear.