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A Beginners Guide On How NOT to Stage A Pseudocide (Larry Stylinson)

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"I'm hungry!" Niall said, tossing the tennis ball at the ceiling, only to get slapped in the face by it again.

 

"Niall, when do you not want food?" Zayn asked, sipping on some ice water. Niall was a bottomless pit, possibly in the most severe way he'd ever seen. His hunger was almost unsatisfiable. The man ate a whole pizza the other day, then decided it would be a good idea to wash it down with a pint of Ben and Jerry's, then eat the rest of Liam's leftovers in the fridge, then ate half of the dozen donuts he bought the next morning.

"I haven't eaten all day! You guys have food all around you."

"We also don't get paid." Zayn said, which caused Liam to slap him. He laughed afterward, then slammed into his pillow.

 

Hanging out in Zayn's basement for a little bit was a Friday night Tradition they'd had for who knows how long. It was surprisingly fun, and they could do whatever the hell they felt like. They'd named it the Harry Potter closet, having roots to Harry Potter's cupboard under the stairs size wise. Whether it was smoking the pot Niall's boss doled out for him, or having late night talks contemplating life in general. Neither of the 4 were ever the most extroverted people, so instead of going out and partying, they'd just sit in the cramped area with each other's company.

"How's the PR job been, Louis?" Zayn asked. Louis had been working his dream job recently, a high energy position working for an up and coming punk band called Heatstroke. He'd dreamt to work in the music industry for a while, ever since he was 13. He was the man who tied every branch together, the social media consultants, publicists, tour managers, and the band themselves. He loved it so much, he really did, but his boss, the official manager couldn't be more of a dick. Whenever he'd get upset with a miniscule flaw, he'd dock the weeks pay, causing him to need to take a job at Starbucks when he wasn't working there, only to keep a steady income.

"Hell." He replied. "The band themselves are super cool, but my boss couldn't be more of a dick. I got my pay docked last week, again." Louis said, letting out a sigh. Zayn shook his head.

"You can't let him keep kicking you around like that. It fucking irritates me." Liam said.

 

"But it's where I need to be, you get that, right?"

"Maybe financially, if you're working 2 jobs, but are you really that happy?" He asked.

That silenced Louis's lips for a minute, because the statement was...false, though admitting it wasn't probable.

If he was being honest, Louis was just dragging along, getting by as well as he could. No close family. No partner, just him, his friends, powering through the hell hole known as life, together. It wasn't ideally where most 28 year olds were, interning or working glistening jobs each day with a smile on their face, feeling sudden rushes of freedom, and being...young and blind in the world. He really was living to an extent, sure, but whatever it was, he was just alone in a way, with some funny feeling inside, that he wasn't pushing to the full extent.

"I want a boyfriend," Louis blurted, almost silently, yet Liam, Zayn and Niall still heard him, clearly.

"That is exactly what you've needed this whole time! God, Why didn't I see that?" Liam sharply said, accentuating every syllable.

"Or girlfriend, or partner in general."

"You've had no luck with girls, ever." Niall said.

"Yeah yeah yeah, You're not supposed to tell your girlfriend when a guy gives you an erection." Louis said. "That doesn't mean I've never had luck with any."

Zayn, Liam and Niall all shook their heads in unison.

"You really haven't. Let's see, how many lasted past the second date?" Liam asked.

He sighed. "1."

Elanor was lovely, and quite a gem. She'd instructed Louis to find out what.. And who his priorities were after the incident in the restaurant. He was completely fine with it, they truly weren't getting anywhere, but it was true. Girls weren't his thing, no matter how much he pushed it back.

"I got a find!" Niall said, rapidly.

"What's a find?" Zayn asked, with a smirk on. Louis shook his head. "I don't want to know... Don't." He warned. Louis knew it was a stupid dating app, he'd seen the ads with those testimonials finding they found true love. It was stupid. Search history couldn't tie two people together, just measure up to enough for a kinky one night stand.

"It's Finders Version of a Match!" Niall said.

"Oh wouldn't that just be great for Louis." Liam said in a singsong manner. Louis slammed back on the wall.

"No." He said. "Stop it." He pressed. "I'm not getting it."

"But...." Zayn said, blowing out on the cigarette he was smoking.

"But what?" He said flailing his arms. "I'm sorry, I want to meet someone in real life." He muttered in annoyance.

"You've wanted to have a you know...Ahegao orgasm."

"That's only happens in your hentais dumbass. But yes, I'd kill for one."

"This nonbinary persons been messaging me after I met Gigi."

"Sorry...What does that have to do with hentai? Or a dating app?" He asked, shrugging his shoulders. The entire conversation was jumbled up, and confusing at this point.

"They're known for having the best eye-roll orgasm on the app-by raters, and I may or may not have shown them a few photos of you..."

"Seriously, Zayn?"

"Yeah. You can either reject them, or have the best orgasm of your life."

He thought about it for a second, really into depth.

That Lonesome feeling that never left his head, might be lifted. This person... They may just make him feel alive. He wouldn't have "the joy of being a 20 something" as his mom called it.

And he'd have a damn good orgasm if nothing else.

"Fine, set me up."

-

Maybe: Ash Miller

Hey! You're that cute Louis dude, right? I'm Ash, the person Zayn told you about.

Louis Tomlinson 🤪🖕

Can you really do an ahegao orgasm?? I'm intrigued.

And hi, that's me.

Maybe: Ash Miller

Yup! That's me. And yes, I'm known for having one of the best on Finder. Wanna H U?

Louis Tomlinson 🤪🖕

Could I see you first? Like a photo?

Ash:

Attachment: 1 Image

-

"HOLY FUCK!" Louis said, glaring at the photo, his cock getting hard against his pants. This person was one of the prettiest he'd ever seen.

-

Louis Tomlinson 🤪🖕

Are you free rn by any chance?

Ash:

Let me get ready! Text me the address, unless you could come here.

Louis Tomlinson 🤪🖕

I'll be right over

-

"How's it going?" Niall asked.

"I don't know about you, but I'm about to have the best orgasm of my life!" He said, his smile coming into a smirk.

 

-

Louis sprawled across the tattered sofa, all spread limbs and rapid breaths, as he waited for Ash to come over. They'd had a miscommunication earlier, spiraling Louis to start cleaning the house in the fastest demeanor possible. Stress cleaning was a big problem of his, probably genetically passed down from his mom, who he found doing it more often than not. He'd had such an issue with it when he was younger, but could honestly not say anything about it now. If she were here at this very moment, she'd probably be laughing her head off, calling him a hypocrite.

He'd of course prepped the house in a manner that basically could be perceived as a visit from the queen of England, with a plethora of unnecessary gestures like a charcuterie board, a fresh set of linens and bedding on the sheets, only for him to wash later, and a display he was rather proud of in the bedroom, a necessary gesture he'd arranged for every hookup he'd had since high school.

There were candles, obviously, and he'd arranged them in a nice manner, bringing warm auburn glows to the otherwise romantically dark room. Candles were step one to a memorable hookup, along with a few rose petals peppering the area, adding a sprinkle of the most romantic and arousing color. It was science, duh.

Then there was the lube in one spot. There were varieties, Classic or strawberry KY, Durex; The red kind, whatever the hell that was flavored. Some watermelon Lube Life, an amazon variety tasting of ...duh, watermelon, his personal favorite, giving a euphoric and worthwhile wetness, and of course taste in orals.

But then, there was the kinky shit. (What else could he call it?) Harnesses, bondage and whips, dog collars, and an occasional knife. Sure, he'd completely admit he really fancied weird things, but the feeling of spikes beneath his neck was rather sensational, as well as connecting bonds formed by leather. He could go on for hours about his kinks; praise, and degrading being his favorites.

Kinky shit for a kinky man, what else was there to it?

He was busy straightening the sheets, and puffing out the white fluffy blankets. (He loved soft things, regardless of the fact he was a boy. Fuck toxic masculinity anyways...) When he heard a ring at the doorbell, causing him to run up to the door, his black hightop vans clamping against the hardwood floors. He was blushing in excitement an insane amount as he placed his hand on the steel door handle.

"Keep it cool Louis." He said to himself, then breathed in, and opened it up.

"Hi Louis." She said. Louis looked down at them. They were beautiful, just as the photos had provided, yet now she was dressed in a fluffy sanrio set, and their ice blue hair was spread across their shoulders.

"Um...H-Hey!" He said, resembling the awkward demeanor of a 12 year old. "How've you been?" He said, then facepalmed to the wall.

"Good, been working all day, but good." She said, then Louis watched as she blinked, and spread a cheery smile on her face.

Maybe he could fall in love with them. Just maybe.

-

"Why are already fucking better at this than me!?" Louis asked, feeling the sudden urge to chuck the ps4 controller straight at the TV. They'd been playing GTA for the past hour, and Ash was suddenly amazing at it, even though it was only their first go.

"Because you like terrorizing the pedestrians, maybe?" It was true, all he'd been doing was adamantly swerving in the street, running every stray person on the street over.

"But it's so fun!" He said, lingering on.

"For a psychopath maybe."

"You only know half of it." He said, causing both of them to erupt in a fit of giggles, Ashe laughing then leaning into Louis's chest, sending butterflies all throughout his stomach, pulling a smile on his face.

"One more round? Whoever wins Multiplayer gets a...reward of some sort?"

"Sure, but if I loose..."

 

"Yeah Yeah Yeah, I'll still give you a blowjob either way." Ash said, causing Louis to look up at the ceiling, then walk off to the restroom, and do a way too intense happy dance.

And for once, he truly felt he was winning.