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Deja Vu (I just need You)

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Lena understands Deja Vu very well. Well, she less so “understands” it and more so is familiar with it. She doesn’t know if she should find it comforting or repulsing.

Deja Vu comes at random moments, in random spurts that just don’t make sense. To Lena it does.

She gets Deja Vu every time Lex’s eyes change from “big brother” to “crazed lunatic”. She gets Deja Vu every time Lillian’s jaw tenses and as does the hand wrapped around Lena’s arm. She gets Deja Vu every time she smells the liquor on Lionel.

It’s really a wonder, to Lena, why she watches the news just to get a glimpse of Lex. Like a guessing game. Will it be big brother Lex or murderer Lex?

She always seems to lose this game.

It’s also a wonder why in situations where she’s stressed, say at a Gala or when Kara is mad at her for whatever she did (must’ve deserved it if it caused Kara of all people to yell), Lena wraps both her hands across her arms in a tight hold until it leaves deep red marks.

The marks are the most calming thing about whatever it is she’s doing. The pain beforehand is more like a punishment or a way to ground herself. Funny how that works.

It’s no secret Lena oftentimes indulges herself in alcohol. It’s a wonder she’s not breaking down by the mere smell of it, considering… well, you know.

Lena drinks and drinks until she eventually lulls herself into a deep sleep which will inevitably lead her to headaches and an even deeper shame.

There’s always promises of, “I will not drink again.” But she herself knows it’s not true, because she’ll find herself going to her tray of alcohol like she’s always destined to be there.

Honestly, Lena doesn’t really know how to describe it. The why’s of what she’s doing. Heck she doesn’t even know what she’s doing half the time.

Her therapist would say it’s “self-destructive activities”, or “un-healthy coping mechanisms.”

Good thing she doesn’t have a therapist.

Actually, fuck her imaginary therapist. She’s a woman of her own strength, and she’s independent and brown and she can be whatever the fuck she wants, and fuck this alcohol is hitting her hard.

Lena’s walking around her apartment in a daze, tripping over herself while mumbling things. She sometimes laughs (at nothing, presumably). Sometimes hits herself and murmurs a “fuck” afterwards for the wave of nausea it causes her.

That’s how Kara finds her after finishing her Supergirl duties for the day, wanting to spend time with her girlfriend.

“Lena?” Kara says as she hangs her coat on the wall - she stopped by CatCo after her duties to drop off an article, wanting no interruptions while she’s with her girlfriend.

“Kara! I made a - oops! - a metaphor,” Lena slurred, still tripping over herself.

“Baby, let’s sit down, yeah?” Kara softly suggested. Lena giggled but nodded, and made her way to the couch. Apparently, she was actually heading towards the floor.

“Woah there, babe, be careful.” Kara had supersped to Lena before she could hit the ground, deciding to carry the brunette (more like drag since the couch was right there).

“Mmh, your arms are super hot. Haha, get it. Cause you’re a super.” Lena laughed noncommittally, already drifting off.

“Shh, go to sleep, Lee. I’ll be right here.” She wasn’t even sure if her girlfriend heard her before hearing Lena’s soft snores.

She let out a sigh, running her fingers through her hair.

This wasn’t the first time Kara had come home to a Drunk Lena.

Kara loved all sides of Lena, every part of her she is committed to. She especially loves Soft Lena and CEO Lena isn’t always bad either. Drunk Lena (DL), however, has to be one of her least favorites. And it’s entirely because this Lena causes her to worry more than any other Lena. Even Crying Lena because at least Crying Lena is expressing her emotions. DL just drinks liquor straight out the bottle until it’s empty enough to shove all her feelings in.

Kara knows bits and pieces of Lena’s childhood, mainly because of DL. It’s probably the only thing she can put in the “pros” list of DL, since no other Lena could bear sharing those kinds of details about herself without the influence of alcohol.

But nonetheless DL is still Lena, who is stubborn as hell and still refuses to open up. It frustrates Kara. Not Lena, of course, but the fact her childhood was so harsh and pushed back in her mind that Lena feels she can’t share it with anyone. Not even Kara.

It more breaks her heart than frustrated her, Kara thinks.

———————————-

Lena woke with a start, flinging her arms to both sides of her while trying to catch her breath. Once she does, she’s surprised to find herself in a bed - albeit an empty one. She looks to the side to see a glass of water and an Advil.

Lena smiles while she thinks about what Kara’s done for her, even in her own drunken state. She will be forever grateful for having someone like the Super.

The brunette walked out the bedroom after having brushed her teeth and drank the Advil. Kara was at the kitchen island on her phone, eating a bowl of cereal.

“Hey,” Lena said. “Hey, Lee.” Kara replied.

“How are you feeling?” Kara asked while she stood to put her dishes away.

“Better, thank you, Kara.” She nodded in response.

Lena could feel the tension rising, and her anxiety along with it.

She went to make herself a cup of tea while Kara washed the dishes.

“What did you do yesterday?” Lena asked, hoping to figure out what was wrong.

“Oh, nothing. Just supergirl duties. You know, the norm.” Kara dryly said.

Confused and saddened, Lena replied, “Oh.”

After some more silence, except for the sounds of running water and the low yet high-pitched whistle of the tea kettle, Lena cleared her throat, “Wh-what do you have planned-“

“Can I ask you a question?” Kara interrupted, turning her body around while still holding a sponge and a plate.

Lena’s mouth shut closed before starting to open up again. Kara had other thoughts, though.

“Why do you do it?” Before Lena could ask, what exactly, Kara continued.

“How do you do it? Seriously? Alcohol? How many more times do I have to come how to you falling off your face, Lena? Exactly how long will I have to do this with you for because quite frankly, Lena, I’m not sure if I can handle this nagging feeling of not knowing what to do anymore. I can’t help you if you don’t open up to me! When can you trust me, Lena?” Kara huffed, tears running down her face as she waves her hands around animatedly.

Lena states with her mouth open, tears building in her eyes. Her eyes which watched as Kara’s hands moved, praying to the Gods that they don’t reach out and hit her.

It’s no surprise that she has hands gripped around herself, hard enough to surely leave a bruise.

“I- I, Kara. I’m so-“ Lena stumbles trying to find the words. Any words, really, of what Kara wants to hear.

“Lena. I love you and I care for you, I swear I do, but it hurts me to see you drinking yourself away like that.”

“I didn’t realize.. Gosh, Kara, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Lena says this like a mantra, over and over again as she shuts her eyes and squeezes her arms.

She wished she could break her own bones with the way she’s holding herself.

Kara quickly snaps out of her own rage when she seems Lena’s shaking body. She chastises herself for doing this to her girlfriend, for hurting her when all she wanted was for her to stop hurting.

“Hey, hey, hey, stop that, you shouldn’t be apologizing, I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“Can I touch you?” Lena shook her head.

Kara knew she effed up when she did that, knowing she’s scared Lena enough to crawl back into her shell.

“Okay, okay. I’ll sit right here, okay? When you’re ready you can talk to me. I’m not going anywhere.” The blonde tried reassuring Lena, hoping it’ll help her be more calm.

“I’m so sorry, Lena.” Lena shook her head, not wanting to hear her girlfriend apologize because she was right. Lena was being selfish and didn’t even wait to think how her habits could affect Kara.

“Could you just - could you talk about something? Before I can.. talk about it. I just want to hear you, if that’s okay.” Lena asked, holding her breath in fear of angering Kara again.

She couldn’t help it. She knows she’s safe with Kara, knows she has nothing to fear. Yet, she can’t help but try to protect herself against the possibility that everything could switch in a second. That she has a higher chance of ruining something good than actually earning it.

“Yes, yeah, of course.” Kara counted this as progress of some point.

“Yesterday I was fighting this alien-cyborg guy that had one metal arm and the rest of his body was green and spiky. It was actually pretty cool if I weren’t trying to keep it’s lasers from shooting me. Oh yeah, it had lasers in the bionic arm! So cool. Alex said I should avoid getting hit by the lasers, just in case because we never know what people make out there, you know?” Kara briefly looked at Lena, as if to see if she’s paying attention and following along with the “story” before realizing the situation that they’re in and continuing on.

Lena was of course paying attention. She was grasping onto every word Kara let out, not only trying to keep up with the story but also trying to remind herself that this is real.

“Uhm, anyways, after the fight was over - I won, duh - Alex and I high-fived each other. Which I guess isn’t really important to the story, but I really like our high-fives and plus it’s my story, so who cares. Well really, it’s Lena’s story, come to think of it, because I’m saying it to you. Wait isn’t it my story because it’s my day?” Kara seemed to really think about this, and Lena had to hold back a chuckle at her girlfriend’s corniness.

“Ugh, back to the story, after we had the totally epic high-five, I decided to fly to CatCo to drop off the article I wrote so I could have the wholeeee day with you. Kind of sucks that we didn’t get to have that.” Kara frowned slightly, which Lena took note of and felt a large pang of guilt rush through her body.

Lena took her hand and put it in Kara’s hand, squeezing to let her know her guilt, while also letting her know she’s mainly okay at the moment.

“Thank you, Kara. I- I can’t thank and apologize to you enough for everything.” Kara gave her a small yeah powerful smile, “Anything for you, my darling. I’m sorry, too, for everything.”

Lena shook her head, dismissively. “Nonsense, love. I’m the one that was drinking. I deserved that.”

“No, listen to me, Lena.” Kara put both her hands on Lena’s, searching her eyes to make sure she was listening.

“I have as much reason to apologize as you. You have as much reason to choose whether or not to forgive me as I do you. We’re in a relationship, Lee, and one cannot treat the other unfairly without being held accountable.”

Lena was trying to grasp this as she had tried to grasp Kara’s earlier rambling, yet she found it harder because it was all too unfamiliar. It was too much of something completely contradicting what she had thought she’d known.

“You don’t have to fight your battles alone anymore, love. You’re not the only one to apologize anymore, so let me apologize for my mistake as you did yours, okay?” Kara continued and Lena nodded in reply, not completely sure.

“Repeat it for me, Lee. Please.” Lena gulped.

“I- I don’t have to fight my battles alone anymore.” Kara grinned, even if Lena didn’t sound like she meant it.

“Again.”

“I don’t have to fight my battles alone anymore.” Lena repeated.

“Again.”

“I don’t have to fight my battles alone anymore.” Lena said more confidently, finally registering what she was saying and believing it.

Kara was overly grateful and excited at the look Lena was giving Kara, one she didn’t get to see very often. At all, really since it was one of very few times.

“And I’ll remind you everyday until you tell me to stop.”

Finally, Lena had something familiar that she could replace with Lex’s wavering eyes; Kara’s blue ones, that always shined with hope and adoration. Kara’s cuddles and hugs instead of the tight, unbearable hold against her arms.

And a new mantra to repeat when she felt the urge to drink her sorrow’s away.