Chapter Text
'Dear Aizawa Sensei,'
This was how he headed the blank page. 'Dear Aizawa Sensei,' was all he wrote and yet he felt like had already told the teacher everything. His fingers were beginning to hurt because of how hard he was holding the pencil.
He wrote the next line, erased it, and wrote it again. He had underestimated the difficulty of writing one stupid note.
'Thank you for reading this if you even are. Thanks for taking the time out of your day. I know what you do for us probably doesn't seem all that special to you or my classmates, but for me everything you've done for us, it makes me happy.'
He stopped writing for a second to straighten out his thoughts. He looked up at the ceiling, then down to his desk again. A gleam from the light reflecting caught his eye.
"Fucking cut yourself."
Quickly, Izuku turned his head away from the blade, gripping the pencil tighter. He could feel his finger nails digging into his skin at this point.
'You've been the first teacher who's treated me like a person, the first teacher who's treated me with respect. All of the other teachers here do aswell but it's different because you were the first.'
A few tears had slipped by and soaked into the paper. His anxiety was beginning to grow to a place it hadn't been in a while. He choked down a sob and wrote again.
'Again it probably doesn't seem like much, since it should be a basic human thing to treat people that way, but I was the exception. All of the kids and teachers before UA treated me like I was nothing. My own father did aswell, he left when I was still young.'
Bringing up his father brought up bad memories of his parents fighting late at night when they thought he was sleeping. He could still remember the last fight to the last detail. His father had left that night.
"He left because you're worthless, nobody but your pathetic mother will love you. Does SHE even love you?"
He squeezed his eyes closed, begging that voice to go away. He didn't want to be thinking about these things.
'I see you as a father figure sometimes, but I don't know how a father figure should act since I never had one. I need help Sensei. I don't know how to ask for it. Everytime I try nothing will come out, which is why I'm writing this letter to you instead of asking you for help. I need help with a variety of things and starting with the little things, I need help tying my tie. I never really had anyone to help me besides shitty YouTube videos.'
He chuckled a little adding in the bit about the tie. He sniffled and grabbed a tissue and wiped his nose. He thought back to the first day of highschool trying to cram in a short video that he should've watched the night before. Even after failing three times his tie still looked like shit and he ran to school.
'Other things I need help with are much, much worse. Like I need help coping in a healthy way. I don't know how to do that either. This is something I would never talk about and something I'm already having extreme difficulty writing about. I'm writing to you of all people because I'm sure you'll understand, you just kind of give me that vibe, so I'm sorry. This is probably a waste of time anyways. Are you actually reading this?'
His hand was beginning to cramp up so he released the pencil and shook his hand. He rolled he wrists a couple times too.
"Those scars on your arms are because you can't do something as simple as control your quirk. All Might should've given it to Togata instead of you."
He shuddered, he knew he wasn't the best option but he was trying his best! All Might said he was doing good!
"He was lying to you."
He wanted the voice to stop, thinking that the man he looked up to most would be upset with him for not being good enough was a little heartbreaking.
"Not like it would be expected, remember what he said on the roof? Remember how he left you? It's almost like he was begging you to jump off."
Right, more than one person wanted him dead. He was so close to getting to that point again too. He already had two previous attempts he didn't need to add another tally mark to that list. But the thought of letting go felt so nice right then.
'Well, whatever, I don't think I should be alone right now, even though I am while I'm writing this. But really though, I shouldn't. I've been thinking about doing bad things again. The intrusive thoughts are getting worse I think. They pop up more often. I made a joke about them once to my friends and they just kind of looked at me weird, I guess that sort of thing isn't normal. It's scary sometimes Sensei, I'll be making dinner or something in the kitchen and they (the thoughts) tell me to cut myself or burn myself on the stove or something.'
He thought back to the blade on the other side of his desk. It was so tempting to grab it right now, to just cut a few times. He was craving the release, his skin itched with the need to cut. He didn't want to and he knew it was bad, but he couldn't think of any other way. He also saw it as a punishment.
Izuku's thought process at this time was 'Im bothering Aizawa Sensei by writing this. I'm doing a bad thing. When you do bad things, there are repercussions.' And in his mind, those repercussions meant cutting himself. He though that he deserved the pain.
A few more tears soaked into his paper, leaving the page distorted slightly. For a split second he thought about ripping it up and throwing the whole thing away. He quickly realized that if he didn't do it now, it would never get out and he would never get help. He figured if he didn't do it now, that he'd end up killing himself before his third year.
'I think I'm losing my mind Sensei. I can't go one day without having flashbacks about my childhood or one of the villain attacks. They constantly send me into panic attacks. I don't think anybody notices, after being told to 'just calm down' or 'shut the hell up,' I've learned to appear calm on the outside. Even though honestly my heart is racing and my thoughts run a million miles per hour. I'm not doing okay and I need help. Is that something that's okay? I always see the heroes helping people but do people ever help them?'
Izuku figured that heroes with romantic partners had someone that helped them cope. 'Does Aizawa Sensei have anyone like that,' he briefly thought.
'I haven't figured out how I'm going to give this to you yet but I hope that it at least gets to you in one piece. I might just shove it in your hands and run away if I'm being honest. And I know this won't have any effect on you now, but I hope you won't make me stay there while you read it. I'll probably cry if you do, not like that far off the mark from normal me though. I'm sorry if this paper is too long or too crumbled. I'm really struggling here.'
He took a moment tho think about what to write about next.
'If you do end up pulling me aside or something can you just ask me easy questions? Like yes or no questions? Or like questions I could get away with a few words? I tend to blank if I'm asked complex questions where I have to give a long answer or explain myself. I mean you don't have do any of that or anything if you don't want to or you don't have time or something. I don't know where I'm going with sorry. I think I'm going to wrap this up. Thank you for reading this (if you even did) good bye Sensei, I appreciate you.
- Midoriya Izuku
He signed his name at the bottom and folded the paper into thirds before stuffing it into an envelope. He gave a melancholic smile before licking the wax strip to seal it closed. On the envelope he wrote the teachers last, first, and hero names.
His next course of action was deciding if he wanted to give him the letter.
It would probably be easiest to give it to him tonight, less time for second guessing himself.
--
Izuku thought he should give himself a break before walking over to the teachers quarters. So he laid on the floor and thought for a bit.
At first he thought about the teachers quarters, the teachers were lucky! The got their own little on campus apartments. They each got their own rooms plus two spare rooms! He heard from some of the third years that it was because Present Mic Sensei, Midnight Sensei, and Aizawa Sensei, always used to crash at Aizawa's apartment before the dorms were built, so they threw that in there and gave the rest of the staff that luxury aswell.
He was a little jealous of the room the had, the student weren't allowed to share rooms with others of the opposite gender, and for good reason too, so when the boys or girls wanted to have a sleepover the others had to sleep on the floor. Or in Yao-Momo's case, they could all probably fit on her huge bed. And if some of the girls and some of the boys wanted to have a sleep over, they would have to sleep in the common room.
He liked that everybody's dorm room was a little bit of themselves. Mina's especially. He never went into Asui ,Tsu's, room but from what he heard, it was nice. She had gotten permission to pain her walls so now there a shade of a dark green. A very nice earthy tone. She got her carpet replaced to medium brown aswell.
Sometimes he felt like taking down all of his All Might merch and throwing it away or selling it. Sometimes he wanted to redo his entire room, make it less of an eye sore to look at. Screw sometimes, it was most of the times honestly.
Recently he's been into darker color, more cooler tones. His favorite color, contrary to popular belief, is gray. It's a mix of black and white, the lack color and every color. And gray is a mix of it. That meant that it was every color and no color at the same time while simultaneous being a color itself.
--
He looked over at his clock, checking the time. His eyes widened as he saw how late it was.
He pushed himself off the ground and grabbed the envelope off of his desk. Sighed before leaving his dorm room, thankfully it was the weekend, the curfew is later and the teachers won't get the alert that a student left the building until 12:00 am. He sure was pushing it but this was important.
He tapped his foot anxiously against the floor of the elevator as he descended to the first floor.
He slipped his shoes on when he got the front door and stepped outside, feeling the cold breeze of the night.
He pinched the envelope tighter between his fingers as he walked down the long pathway to the teachers quarters.
It didn't seem like a long walk since you can see the building from the dorm building, but it felt like such a long walk, and the letter felt heavy in his finger tips. He crackled the knuckles of his hand before switching the letter to that hand so he could crack the knuckles of the other one.
How would his teacher react to him showing up at his apartment unannounced in the middle of the night? Is he already asleep? It is already pretty late.
He climbed the steps up to Aizawa's apartment and waited in front of the door for a few minutes before knocking.
He heard light footsteps approaching the door quickly. And when the door opened, it revealed a child.
"Deku? What are you doing here so late," Eri asked.
"Oh hi Eri, is Aizawa Sensei here?" He asked nervously.
"Who is it?" Asked another voice further down the hallway.
"It's Deku! I think he wants to talk to dad," Eri replied.
'Dad? Is she calling Aizawa dad? Who is this other person?'
"Who's Deku?" As soon as he saw the purple hair, he knew it was Shinsou.
"Deku? What's the problem child doing here?" He heard Aizawa ask from somewhere in the apartment.
"Midoriya? What are you doing here?" Shinsou asked. Izuku gripped the envelope tighter, distorting the paper
"Well I... I'm just- I'm gonna go. Sorry for bothering you guys," he said as he backed away, stuffing the letter into his pocket.
He hurried down the stairs and found the staff mailboxes. When he found Aizawa's, he slipped the crumpled envelope through the slot and headed back to his dorm room.
He struggled to sleep that night.
____
There was a light knock on the door that startled the family. They were having scary movie night.
"I'll get it!" Eri jumped off the couch and ran to the door.
"Hitoshi, can you go with her?" Shouta asked his son. He reached for the remote to pause the movie
Hitoshi nodded and walked down the hall after her.
"Who's here?" Hitoshi asked.
Shouta and Hizashi sat quietly in hopes of hearing the conversation at the door.
"Deku! I think he wants to talk to dad," Eri said back.
"Who's Deku?" Hitoshi questioned.
"Deku? What's the problem child doing here?" Shouta looked over at Hizashi who just shrugged at him.
Shouta stood up and started down the hall.
"Midoriya? What are you doing here?" Shouta caught the faint bitterness in his son's voice.
"Well I... I'm just- I'm gonna go. Sorry for bothering you guys," Shouta watched as he shoved an envelope into his pocket as he back away from the door.
"What was that about?" Shouta asked after Hitoshi closed the door.
"I don't know, I think he wanted to talk to you or give something, I don't know. He just walked away. He was holding some envelope with your name on it," Hitoshi gave his dad his own basic understanding.
Shouta hummed in response and opened the door again, he stepped outside and looked down to find Midoriya. He was putting something in one of the mailboxes. Probably the envelope for Shouta.
He figured he get it after doing bed check. He went back inside and sat back down next to Hizashi, who unpaused the movie. He checked the time remaining on the movie, he could do bed check after finishing the movie.