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Infirmitas

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Infirmitas
noun
Latin
Meaning:
want of strength, weakness, feebleness

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It was a night like all the others. Himuro could hardly tell the difference. Dim room. Hitching breaths. Lewd sounds. His teammate was awfully needy. Himuro would do it out of pity, if anything, at first. Then he'd get aroused and let his desires run wild. He lost count of how many times he screamed in short-lived pleasure under the massive body of Yosen's ace. It always felt the same; Instinct-driven and devoid of any emotion. And this night was no different.

Himuro's powerless, post-climax body dropped to the mattress with a quiet thud. He sighed, reflexively laying a hand on his silver chain. A single tear rolled down his cheek. He immediately covered it with his palm and a smile gracing his lips, he learned to fake so well.

"What's wrong Muro-chin?" His large partner questioned, lying beside him.

He couldn't help but cringe lightly at the sound of the lazy, high-pitched voice.

"No, it's nothing, Atsushi. Please, don't worry. I'm just... Really happy." Himuro lied. He must have been convincing enough, as Murasakibara seemed to decide against continuing the conversation. He let another tear escape his eye. It wasn't the first time they had sex on spur of the moment. It wasn't the first time he lied. And it was certainly not the first time he could feel the guilt swallowing him whole.

Why did it always have to be that immature, gluttonous, apathetic brat? If it had to be someone then why not him? Every single time, he'd close his eyes and imagine it was Taiga's thrusts repeating mercilessly, sending shivers down his spine, forcing him to come undone, sending him over the edge as he lost his mind in pleasure. If it could only be his self-proclaimed little brother, he'd be more than happy. Overjoyed. Ecstatic.

But he did not deserve that sort of treatment, not from him. He couldn't even dare call himself his older brother anymore. He didn't deserve the title. The title reserved for the strong, for someone who could lead the way and support him. He was no longer that person. He was weak. And no amount of hard work could change that. Equally so, no effort could change his feelings for Taiga and no force could possibly make him requite those feelings.

But alas, he got what he truly deserved. What a weak person like him deserved. Animalistic sex with a man he barely knew and couldn't bring himself to spark even the slightest sense of affection or fondness for. But it was alright. He didn't deserve any better after all.

Happiness is a privilege of the strong, he told himself.

He was never strong enough to dare admit his feelings for his brother. He would never be strong enough. He realized it most exactly at these moments.

But it was fine. It was only his regret pooling and escaping his body. With every tear he felt lighter. With every tear he felt more empty.

Just like he deserved.